- 
- 
- 
- 
- 
- 
- 
- 
- 
Abby and Norma
from 2007
Comic #018
January 1 2007
TEXT OF COMIC:
Giving Christmas presents is the most complicated thing in the world.
Once you've weeded out all the things that you know your friends aren't interested in, you're still left with a bunch of things that they might or might not like.
Then you have to eliminate things they don't have room for, things they're allergic to, and anything else they can't have for practical reasons... followed by things that will insult them because they're too cheap and things that they'll feel guilty about because they're too expensive.
Finally, if you're still in doubt, you cut out anything that is considered inappropriate for their gender, age, or relationship to you...
and you're left with three or four items that they either already have or will be given this year by at least one other person.
From now on, I'm only giving presents to my dog.
If only humans could always be made ecstatically grateful with a chunk of liver sausage.
Comic #019
January 19 2007
TEXT OF COMIC:
I've had it with the complexity of gift-giving. This year I'm going to set aside the amount of money I'd spend on gifts, and just divide it up evenly among the people I'm giving gifts to.
That way they can just go and buy whatever they want, or put it in savings if they don't want anything.
No more giving people things they already have, things they don't want, things they don't have enough space for, and things they misinterpret as tongue-in-cheek nasty remarks about their personal habits.
No more people returning my gifts to the store, selling them on eBay, stashing them away in drawers, or forgetting who they got them from and giving them to me next Christmas.
I hate to say it, but it's often considered rude to give money as a gift.
Why is that?
Well, normally I'd say it's because a gift has to have some thought put into it...but it looks as if you've already over-thought this one half to death.
EXACTLY!
Comic #020
February 2 2007
TEXT OF COMIC:
The past few weeks I've spent so much time complaining about the stupidity of gift-giving traditions that I never got around to giving anyone any gifts.
Me either.
Oh well-- we've still got more than 300 griping days till next Christmas.
Cheers!
Comic #020b
February 7 2007
TEXT OF COMIC:
Hey, what are we doing here today? We're an every-other-Friday comic, and this isn't our week.
And what's with all the fancy colors?
This is unnatural. Cartoonists aren't supposed to change their style all at once. It's supposed to be a gradual development. Our artist has gone off her rocker.
She's gonna use up all the space on her website host if she keeps this up.
I wonder what Mom looks like now.
And how come we suddenly know that we're characters in a comic strip?
Don't worry, we'll forget it by next week.
Comic #021
February 16 2007
TEXT OF COMIC:
Would you remember me in a week?
Sure.
Would you remember me in a month?
Of course.
Would you remember me in a year?
Certainly.
Knock knock!
Who's there?
You've forgotten me already!
You've forgotten me already WHO?
Never tell Abby a joke she already knows.
Comic #022
February 23 2007
TEXT OF COMIC:
I made up a great joke. Want to hear it?
Sure.
What did the tree say?
What did the tree say to whom? What did the tree say when?
Just what did the tree say.
Jokes don't begin like that. There has to be more context. Like, "What did the tree say to the woodpecker?" Or "What did the tree say when the axe hit it?" It can't just be "What did the tree say?"
I didn't know there were rules for jokes.
Only in Abby's world.
Comic #023
March 2 2007
TEXT OF COMIC:
Okay, I'm sorry I interrupted your joke. What did the tree say?
It said, "That triceratops has an extra horn!"
Um... I don't get it.
Okay, well, see, if a triceratops had an extra horn, that would be four...
and "Fore" is what you yell when you're playing golf...
and when you play golf you use a tee...
and "tee" sounds like "tree"! Get it?
You need to work on your jokes, Sharon.
Comic #024
March 9 2007
TEXT OF COMIC:
Oh look-- it's Cathy the socialite. She's so friendly she'll even sit next to a couple of nerds.
Shut up. I'm only sitting with you so I don't give the flu to any normal people.
Aww, you have the flu?
Duh-- yes, I have the flu. Now shut up so nobody notices I'm anywhere near you.
You know, it's not really surprising that you got the flu. Two of the three guys you're sleeping with have it.
Nobody told me the flu was an STD!
Comic #025
March 16 2007
TEXT OF COMIC:
The Nintendo Wii... what a versatile name.
As a pronoun, spelled with a single "e," it means first person plural. As an interjection, spelled with an "h" and multiple "e's," it is an expression of excitement.
Spelled without an "h," and with two "e's," it can be an adjective meaning "small" (chiefly Scottish) or a noun or verb meaning, respectively, "urine" or "urinate" (chiefly British).
It would be kind of interesting to design a video game for it that would incorporate all of those meanings.
I'm sure Nintendo will be open to that suggestion.
Comic #026
March 23 2007
TEXT OF COMIC:
What the heck are you doing, Cathy?
Smelting.
Isn't that a kind of fish?
Or a metallurgical procedure?
No, it's something that all the cheerleaders on my squad do to stay thin. It's a cross between smelling and eating.
Suppose I'm craving a candy bar. I stick my tongue way back in my throat, under my nasal cavity, and then I open the candy bar and sniff it. That way I can sort of taste it on my tongue, and it's sort of almost as good as eating it.
Then you throw the candy bar away?
That's wasteful.
Well, eating a candy bar is wasteful too. Of all the resources that go into making a candy bar, some of it goes toward making you hyper for half an hour, some of it piles up as useless fat, and the rest goes down the toilet.
Hmmm... for once, Cathy's got a point.
So why don't you just avoid buying a candy bar in the first place?
Because I have a craving for it.
And they say that autism spectrum people have no self-control.
And that we've got pointless obsessive behaviors.
Shut up.
Comic #027
March 30 2007
TEXT OF COMIC:
If you wear that, Cathy the Socialite is going to make some snide comment.
I don't give a rat's butt what Cathy thinks.
I find it hard to believe that you don't care AT ALL if the world's most annoying snob fires an egregiously malicious insult at you.
I didn't say I don't care AT ALL. I said I don't give a rat's butt.
I care maybe one or two rat butt hairs. Definitely not a whole butt.
You're dealing in units of measurement I'm not familiar with.
Hey, it's all relative. A rat's butt matters a lot to a rat.
Comic #028
April 6 2007
TEXT OF COMIC:
Hey, Abby, I know a funny song. Want to hear it?
Sure, Sharon. Go ahead.
A peanut sat on a railroad track,
its heart was all a-flutter!
Along came the six-fifteen...
Toot-toot! Peanut butter!
Cute. But I've got a better one.
A pigeon sat in Atocha,
Its wings were all a-flutter,
Along came the Trenhotel....
Squish! Hazelnut butter!
I don't get it.
La Estacion de Atocha is a train station in Madrid, and the Trenhotel is a type of overnight train that runs through Spain.
The Spanish word for "hazelnut" is "avellana," which, if it were separated into two words-- "ave llana"-- would mean "flat bird."
WOW! That is the best pun EVER!
Don't encourage her, Sharon.
Comic #029
April 13 2007
TEXT OF COMIC:
I did some research on that pun you told Sharon the other day. It doesn't work, Abby.
"Llana" means "flat" in the sense of a flat piece of land-- not an object that's been squashed flat.
Since you're a language major, I KNOW that you knew that perfectly well.
Of course I did. But if I'd paid attention to it, I couldn't have made a pun.
Yeah-- get your priorities straight, Norma. Puns first, reality second.
Comic #030
April 20 2007
TEXT OF COMIC:
I did some more research on your great Spanish train pun, Abby, and I found out that "ave" is masculine. The adjective "llana" couldn't apply to it anyway, because it has a feminine ending.
Actually, there you're wrong. "Ave" is one of the few Spanish nouns, like "agua," that are feminine despite taking the masculine article. You do say "el ave" as if it were masculine, but adjectives applying to the word "ave" always take feminine endings.
How do you make such bad puns when you're so good at language?
Actually, it WAS a pretty bad pun. I could have made it so much better-- there's actually a Spanish train line called AVE.
Now THAT would be the best pun ever!
Comic #030b
April 27 2007
TEXT OF COMIC:
Hey, look at us! We've got shading now!
Looks as if someone has gained a bit more experience with Gimp.
I think she overdid it.
Well, at least she hasn't started posting two a week or anything like that.
She hasn't? Aren't there two this week?
Well, yeah, but this is an extra one. We're still a weekly comic.
I'm not sure I like having my graphics edited so much.
Yeah. I feel so... three-dimensional now. It's just wrong.
Comic #031
April 27 2007
TEXT OF COMIC:
Hey, Mom!
Mmm?
How do you make a motherboard?
Huh?
Talk to her about computers.
What?
It's a joke. It's funny because "motherboard" sounds like "mother bored."
I don't get it. What's a motherboard?
NEVER MIND.
Comic #032
May 4 2007
TEXT OF COMIC:
"Star Trek: The Next Generation" had seven seasons.
"Star Trek: Deep Space Nine" had seven seasons.
"Star Trek: Voyager" had seven seasons.
I think the makers of Star Trek are like Vulcans. They go crazy every seven years.
I wonder which is more insane: getting in a death-duel with a starship captain, or producing yet another new Trek series.
Comic #033
May 11 2007
TEXT OF COMIC:
Have you ever noticed that in novels, there are no coincidences? Authors are afraid that having a coincidence in their story will make it unrealistic. But really, stories WITHOUT coincidences are unrealistic.
In real life, coincidences happen. For instance, you and I might go to the mall and start talking about Cathy the cheerleader, and she could happen to be there and overhear us. It would be a remarkable coincidence, but it could quite possibly happen without the two events being directly related.
Sure, there'd be some connection-- everything's connected on some level. But the connection could just be that both our trips to the mall resulted from chains of events that led back to the same butterfly flapping its wings in South America.
If it happened in a story, though, the connection would HAVE to be something like Cathy getting suspicious of us and following us to the mall. Otherwise it would be considered bad writing.
I'd like to tell authors that it should be the exact opposite. In an average person's life, at least one really outrageous coincidence happens every year. So if your story spans more than a year, it SHOULD have at least one really outrageous coincidence in it.
Too bad it would never get published.
I wish realism and believability were the same thing.
Comic #033b
May 18 2007
TEXT OF COMIC:
Hey, another random extra comic stuck in between two real ones.
What's the occasion this time?
See up there? We now have a title bar at the top with the artist's name and contact information on it.
Wow, she's conceited.
Actually, I think she's just paranoid about people stealing her comics.
Then why is she putting them on the internet?
Well, she doesn't mind if people download the comic and put it up somewhere else-- but if they do that, she really wants them to give her credit, so she's making it extra easy for them to include her name and website.
That's silly. Someone who wanted to take credit for the comic himself could just chop off the top inch of it.
But see, she has a childlike faith in humanity.
Whatever. When is she going to start posting two comics a week? She's got enough ideas saved up that she could manage three or four a week, really.
Yeah, but she's already made the HTML pages for all of them up until a whole year from now, and she's too lazy to go back and change them all.
Talk about too much time on her hands.
Don't be ungrateful. All that time on her hands is the reason for our very existence.
Comic #034
May 18 2007
TEXT OF COMIC:
I heard you got a part-time job at the bookstore, Abby. How's it going?
It's okay. I thought people working at a bookstore would be people I'd get along with really well... but it turned out to be just like school. They all stand around talking with each other and ignore me.
I'm the only one who actually gets any work done. My performance rating is three times anyone else's. Apparently all you have to do to excel at this job is not spend all your time on inane social interaction.
Wow, your dream career.
As long as YOU don't start working there too.
Comic #035
May 25 2007
TEXT OF COMIC:
I can't believe it! You'll never guess who else just got a job at the bookstore!
Leonard Nimoy?
Cathy the brainless social butterfly! She started last Wednesday!
Cathy? Does she even know what a book is?
No, but neither does the guy who interviewed her.
Well, I don't know much about the job, and I'll probably spend all my time chatting with other employees and touching up my makeup. But on the other hand, I weigh 70 pounds and wear a size C bra.
You're hired.
Comic #036
June 1 2007
TEXT OF COMIC:
What's wrong, Cathy?
The boss is mad at me.
He saw me using company time for a cigarette break, and he said that if he ever catches me smoking on the clock again, I'm in big trouble.
Smoking on the clock? What part of the clock were you smoking?
Shut up.
It must have been one of the hands. Was it the minute hand or the hour hand?
You should get fired for the jokes you make.
I've got it! You must have been "second-hand smoking!"
Comic #037
June 8 2007
TEXT OF COMIC:
When I don't want to eat eggplant, my parents tell me that I have to because there are starving people in Africa.
I asked them how I could possibly make life better for starving people in Africa by eating eggplant, and they wouldn't answer me.
It's a matter of principle, not logic. They just don't like the idea of a kid wasting her food when some people don't have enough food to eat.
But, by not eating my eggplant, I'm actually making MORE food available for other people. It's just that my parents are messing it all up, by buying me eggplant whether I eat it or not. They're the ones who are wasting the food.
I told you, it isn't a matter of logic. Parents won't argue logic with children. And if you don't believe me, just try it.
I won't eat this. I have no right to eat nutritious food when there are starving people in Africa.
I hereby revoke your privilege of visiting your cousin Abby.
Comic #038
June 15 2007
TEXT OF COMIC:
Why is this number called "pi"?
Because it looks as if it has little feet. See?
Pi was originally a Greek letter. The Greek word for "foot" is "pus." Nouns that end in "-us" are pluralized with an "-i" ending, therefore "pi" means "feet."
Really?
Of course not. I made that up. The custom of pluralizing "-us" endings to "-i" is Latin, not Greek. I can't believe you fell for that.
My admiration of your language expertise grows daily.
As does my contempt of yours.
Comic #038b
June 18 2007
TEXT OF COMIC:
So we're biweekly now.
Weren't we biweekly when we first started?
Yes, but in a different sense. "Biweekly" can mean either "twice a week" or "once every two weeks." We were the latter; now we're the former.
Why aren't we... triweekly? Or quadra... quinta... tetra... penta...
I laugh at your attempt to understand numerical prefixes.
You know what I mean.
Yeah. But our artist is afraid she won't be able to keep up with a schedule like that, at this point in her life. She hopes that later she'll have more time.
That's bogus. I'm sure she has enough time already.
Yeah. Considering that we only get to experience existence when she draws a strip of us, you'd think she'd have the basic human kindness to make some time and draw us a little more often.
So if our strips are now twice as frequent, does this mean that we exist twice as much as before?
Maybe. But don't get excited. We're still fictional characters.
Comic #039
June 22 2007
TEXT OF COMIC:
How many days does a month have?
It depends on the month.
Four of them are thirty-day months, and seven of them are thirty-one day months. February usually has twenty-eight days, but every four years there's a leap year, and then it has twenty-nine.
It's actually more complicated than that, though. To make the year line up perfectly with the Earth's trip around the sun, they had to make it so that every once in a while we skip a leap year when we would ordinarily have one.
But there's an exception to that, too. Every once in a REALLY long while, we have a leap year when we would ordinarily skip it.
This is all insane! Do you have any idea how we'd survive if we had to measure space as crazily as we measure time?
Don't blame me, I didn't design it.
When not all feet have the same number of inches, it will be a scary, scary world.
Comic #040
June 25 2007
TEXT OF COMIC:
I've invented a new system of measuring distance that's more like how we measure time.
So far, I've come up with names for the first ten feet of whatever you're measuring. They're called Arlmun, Marmague, Skrunge, Uffle, Bongaline, Clompton, Vengaron, Skibler, Framity and Dwamp.
Arlmun, Skrunge, Bongaline, Vengaron, Skibler and Dwamp all have twelve inches. But Uffle, Clompton and Framity each have eleven inches. Marmague has nine inches, except when the object you're measuring is green. Then it has ten inches.
That is, unless the object is green and tastes sour, in which case Marmague has nine inches. The only exception is when it's green, tastes sour and costs more than fifty dollars. Then Marmague has ten inches again.
What is green, tastes sour and costs more than fifty dollars?
Who knows. Maybe a cucumber that was found in Britney Spears' garbage can.
Comic #041
June 29 2007
TEXT OF COMIC:
My new system of measuring distance can be used to state a length, width or height in much the same way we state a day of the year.
For example, I'm forty inches tall. The first four feet in my system are called Arlmun, Marmague, Skrunge and Uffle. Arlmun and Skrunge each have twelve inches, Uffle has eleven inches, and Marmague, at least in this situation, has nine inches.
So, doing a little math, I can tell you that my height is "the seventh of Uffle."
I think you have too much time on your hands.
Well, I think the circumference of your brain doesn't even get up to Marmague.
Comic #042
July 2 2007
TEXT OF COMIC:
Did you know that, if you number the letters of the alphabet from one to twenty-six, all the vowels are odd numbers?
All of them. Even Y.
Don't you think that's amazing?
I'll be amazed if you ever go a whole day without saying something weird.
Comic #043
July 6 2007
TEXT OF COMIC:
I can't believe how incredibly fat I am.
You know what I can't believe? I can't believe that it's unacceptable to call someone else fat, but it's perfectly acceptable to call yourself fat in front of someone who weighs twice as much as you.
You weigh about 70 pounds. I weigh about 140 pounds. By calling yourself fat, you just called me a lard-butted cow.
You said it, not me.
When can I go home?
Comic #044
July 9 2007
TEXT OF COMIC:
Why don't you have a desktop computer?
I prefer to have just a laptop. Any other kind of computer causes conflicts between my instincts and my reason.
How so?
When a computer starts acting stupid, I usually feel like hitting it.
With a desktop, my knee-jerk urge is to punch the monitor-- even though my mind knows that the computer box is the part that's causing the problem. It's a "kill-the-messenger" response. I don't like that kind of contradiction in my thinking.
With a laptop, the part I get the urge to smack is pretty much the part that deserves it.
That's a lot of logical reasoning for an essentially illogical desire.
Well, that's a type of contradiction I can live with.
Comic #045
July 13 2007
TEXT OF COMIC:
I'm fed up with people saying that we have to have good role models in modern entertainment.
Good role models don't make good stories! Were Hamlet and Macbeth good role models? Was Raskolnikov? Was Holden Caulfield?
If people modeled their lives after the protagonists of the greatest stories in history, the world would destroy itself within a year. Everyone knows you're not supposed to use fictional characters as role models!
I say modern entertainment should be just like entertainment during the greatest periods of artistic history-- full of depraved criminals, blithering idiots, raving madmen, and tortured, miserable losers.
What about nerdy, intellectual college girls who sit at tables all day having philosophical discussions?
We'll find our way in somehow.
Comic #046
July 16 2007
TEXT OF COMIC:
Why can't you ever wear anything that's in style?
I'm a nerd. Nerds don't do what's in style. Sorry.
Oh, for crying out loud... Listen, did you know being a nerd is really popular these days?
Nice try.
Comic #047
July 20 2007
TEXT OF COMIC:
You know, the Ferengi in Star Trek aren't really that ugly. They're kind of attractive, really.
I mean, Quark does have a certain strange charm.
From the tone of your voice, I get the feeling that was a quantum physics pun... but you're firing way too high over my head.
Pity.
Comic #048
July 23 2007
TEXT OF COMIC:
If "Trix are for kids," then Kix are for trids.
What?
I think that "trid" should enter the language as a word for the kind of child who willingly eats Kix cereal. It could be a synonym for "sissy" or "mama's boy."
Why do you think only sissies and mama's boys eat Kix?
No self-respecting kid eats something so bland. There's no such thing as "low in sugar, kids love it."
Yes, it's "kid-tested and mother-approved"-- the kids tested it and didn't approve it, and the mothers approved it because they never had to taste it.
The type of kids that would agree to eat Kix are so excessively obedient, they probably don't even play in the mud-- which also fits nicely with the fact that "trid" is the reverse of "dirt."
Actually, I've always liked Kix.
Well, you're entitled to your own opinion... you trid.
Comic #049
July 27 2007
TEXT OF COMIC:
I think your characterization of a "trid" is excessive. It's not fair to put people in boxes based on one piece of information about them.
Aren't you complaining all the time about how people make assumptions about you without getting to know you? I don't think you actually believe what you just said.
What am I thinking? Of course you don't. It was just an excuse to make a pun.
Now she catches on.
Comic #050
July 30 2007
TEXT OF COMIC:
Your cousin Karen says she wants you to read her this book.
"The Cat in the Hat"? That book is unsuitable for children. We can't read it to her.
What? What's unsuitable about it?
All the implied sex.
Implied sex? Where?
There's a cat in the book! There are people in the book! They had to get born somehow! It's obscene!
You can stop parodying Karen's mom now.
Comic #051
August 3 2007
TEXT OF COMIC:
I wonder why humans are the only animals that wear clothes.
Actually, that's debatable.
One could describe the hermit crab as wearing clothes, because it isn't born with a shell-- it puts on the shells of other animals that have died. But that's a primitive form of clothes-wearing, sort of like a caveman finding a bearskin that's been eaten empty by scavengers and putting it on.
On the other hand, the caddisfly larva could be described as wearing clothing that it actually makes. It constructs a shell out of debris it finds, like a human weaving fibers together to make a coat.
Are there any others? Or are we one of just three deviant species of clothes-wearers on a planetwide nudist colony?
Something like that.
Comic #052
August 6 2007
TEXT OF COMIC:
I can't believe it. You just spent $90 on a toy light saber?
It's not a toy. It's a--
Your mom's going to kill you. That's a lot of money.
No, it isn't. There's no such thing as a large amount of money.
I can prove this logically. It proceeds from two premises: A. that one cent is not a large amount of money, and B. that you can't make a small amount of money into a large amount just by adding one cent to it.
If one cent isn't a large amount, then two cents also isn't a large amount, and neither is three cents, and so on forever. There is no juncture where one cent can make the difference between a small amount and a large amount, so they just keep being small all the way to infinity.
Somehow I don't think your mom will be convinced by that logic.
It's okay; I still have the light saber to defend myself.
Comic #053
August 10 2007
TEXT OF COMIC:
"Abigail" is the name on your birth certificate, right?
Yeah. But if you call me that, you die.
So you like "Abby," but you don't like "Abigail"?
You got it.
I guess it's too bad that legally changing a name is such a complicated process.
Well, actually, it isn't so bad. Changing your written name is complicated-- but changing your spoken name is actually quite easy.
What do you mean?
Your birth certificate only tells how your name is spelled. There is no official document that says how it's pronounced. So really, you can decide on any pronunciation you want.
So as far as I'm concerned, my name's spelled like "Abigail," but it's pronounced "Abby."
Clever.
Comic #054
August 13 2007
TEXT OF COMIC:
Why do you take summer classes every year? Half the ones you take don't even satisfy a requirement.
Yeah, but I'm not allowed to live on campus during the summer unless I'm taking classes.
Why do you want to live on campus during the summer?
Because otherwise I'd have to pack up all my stuff and take it home, and then take it back, every single year.
So you are actually subjecting yourself to UNNECESSARY SCHOOLWORK, just so that you won't have to MOVE. You have reached a level of geekiness that I thought only existed in sit-coms.
Hey, would YOU want to move six sets of shelves covered with Star Trek memorabilia?
Comic #055
August 17 2007
TEXT OF COMIC:
I was trying to register for next semester's classes, and the computer wouldn't accept my PIN. I got so mad that I said the F word right out loud in the middle of the registrar's office.
And Chrissy from Bible Ethics class overheard me and said she would pray for my soul, because swearing is a sin against God.
I explained to her that all the Bible says about swearing is that you shouldn't say the Lord's name in vain, and last I checked, the Lord's name isn't the F word.
So that's why you and Chrissy aren't on speaking terms right now.
She can be a real @$#&!* sometimes.
Comic #056
August 20 2007
TEXT OF COMIC:
Come to think of it, you don't swear much.
True. I save those words for emergencies.
If you overuse swear words, they lose some of their strength, and they're not as satisfying to say when you really need them.
Like when Cathy teased you about your crush on "Dr. Spock from Star Wars"?
Exactly. THAT was an emergency.
Comic #057
August 24 2007
TEXT OF COMIC:
I've heard people say that Barack Obama won't win the election "because his last name sounds like Osama."
Can you imagine that? People who would decide not to vote for someone because of what his NAME sounds like? They must be insane.
I bet they wouldn't vote for Hillary Clinton because her first name sounds like Hitler.
I bet they wouldn't vote for John McCain because his last name sounds like Cain, the biblical first murderer.
I bet they wouldn't vote for... hmm, who else is there?
Well, there's Ralph Nader. His name sounds kinda like Darth Vader.
Ooh, no wonder he's never won an election!
Comic #058
August 27 2007
TEXT OF COMIC:
My dad just got me a car!
Congratulations. Now you can destroy the natural environment as well as the social scene.
Oh, don't be all prejudiced against cars. Mine gets 35 miles to the gallon.
Well, I've got that beat, anyway. I walk and ride my bike everywhere I go.
Oh? And how many gallons of food and water do you have to consume in order to walk 35 miles?
Okay, I give up. You win. Whatever number I give will seem excessive to a girl who somehow manages to survive through each day on half a carrot.
See, that's why I need a car. If I walked more, I'd have to eat more, and my weight might balloon up to 80 pounds.
Comic #059
August 31 2007
TEXT OF COMIC:
When do I get to be a teenager?
In six years. You're seven, and the teens start at thirteen.
What does "teen" mean, anyway?
It comes from the word "ten." "Thirteen" is short for "three and ten," "fourteen" is short for "four and ten," and so on.
The Spanish equivalent is "dieci," which comes from "diez y," meaning "ten and." The first number that starts that way is "dieciseis," or sixteen. So if you spoke Spanish, you wouldn't be a teenager until your sixteenth birthday.
I think both Spanish and English are doing it wrong. It should start earlier. Twelve should be called "twoteen," and eleven should be called "oneteen."
If I could just find a language that made logical sense, I could be a teenager in only four years.
It's not all it's cracked up to be, Sharon.
Comic #060
September 3 2007
TEXT OF COMIC:
If you could choose to be reincarnated as any animal, what animal would you choose?
A cat. Definitely.
How come?
Because cats are the ones ruling the world.
Think about it. Humans control all the other animals, and cats control humans.
When humans and cats live together, the humans think they're the owners, but really the cats do whatever the heck they want to... and the humans do whatever the cats want, as well. That's why I want to be a cat.
Well, okay, but you'd better be really sure... 'cause if you get reborn as a cat, you have to do it nine times.
I can't wait!
Comic #061
September 7 2007
TEXT OF COMIC:
I don't understand the idea of reincarnation, actually.
There are two things that make your personality what it is. Nature and nurture. The parts that you're born with because of your genes, and the parts that you develop because of your experiences.
So if you're reborn in another body without your memory, then you don't have the same genes, and you don't remember your experiences... so how can it still be you?
I think they say that your personality is affected by experiences you had in previous lives, even though you don't remember them.
But I'd still lose all the parts of my identity that come from my genes.
What vital parts of your identity do you think are genetic?
My connoisseur-esque ability to appreciate the flavor of sugar.
You could be reincarnated as a lorikeet.
Comic #062
10/9/07 1:01 2007
TEXT OF COMIC:
I'm writing a story about a guy who sues a company because he gets injured using their product.
See, he fails to notice an important warning on the package because it's hidden in among fifty ridiculous warnings that just state the obvious.
He wins the lawsuit. Manufacturers all over the world realize that they're damned if they do and damned if they don't. They'll get sued whether or not they cover their products with useless warnings.
So they all give up and quit their jobs. The entire economy collapses.
Is this a prediction for the future?
Comic #063
September 14 2007
TEXT OF COMIC:
I think global warming is caused by bad math.
Remember how last year it was warm all the way through December, and then it got freezing cold in late January and early February? That's happening a lot lately.
I think our official years are out of sync with the actual motion of the Earth around the Sun. That's why the seasons are off, and we're getting warm when we should be cold and cold when we should be warm.
I mean, a year is actually a little more than 365 days. We can try to fix that with leap years and stuff, but we'll always be a little off.
That's ridiculous, Karen. It would take millions of years to be off enough to notice. We're only off by fractions of a second, and every year they correct those fractions of a second on the world's official clock.
But they could be doing it wrong. Sounds like a very bureaucratic sort of system. Lots of chances for error.
Why don't you go shovel the walk or something?
Comic #064
September 17 2007
TEXT OF COMIC:
I saw Cathy at the store yesterday. She was cooing over some lady's baby, and talking about how she couldn't wait to have babies of her own.
I guess I will never understand the parental instinct. I mean, it makes sense that most people have it... but it's so completely different from anything I feel, I have trouble putting myself in the shoes of anyone who feels it.
I mean, what's the attraction? How can people find babies cute? Their huge bald heads... they look like little aliens.
I thought you liked aliens.
Not aliens that grow inside you and burst out.
How about aliens that grow inside CATHY and burst out?
Well... okay, I guess I do like them a little.
Comic #065
September 21 2007
TEXT OF COMIC:
So you really don't think babies are cute at all?
Not human babies.
Lots of animals have cute babies. But in my opinion, humans have the ugliest offspring in the animal kingdom-- with the possible exception of fruit flies.
If I absolutely had to choose between raising a human baby and raising a fruit fly maggot, though, I'd go with the fruit fly maggot.
You would?
Heck yeah. Fruit fly maggots are easy to raise. I'm pretty sure I've raised some in my kitchen without even noticing it.
Comic #066
September 24 2007
TEXT OF COMIC:
I don't think it's nice of you to say things like that about babies.
Hey, I didn't say I hated them. I just said that I find them ugly. They can be ugly and still play an important role in society.
But still, when you insult children, you're insulting your cousins Sharon and Karen. And you really do love and respect them.
Sharon and Karen? They're seven years old. Saying I don't find babies cute isn't offensive to seven-year-olds. Ask any seven-year-old if he likes babies, and he'll say the exact same thing I said.
Um... I don't think he'll compare them to fruit fly maggots.
But he'll probably use the phrase "poopy diaper."
Comic #067
September 28 2007
TEXT OF COMIC:
I bet you dollars to doughnuts that my cousin Karen grows up to be a lawyer.
What does "bet you dollars to doughnuts" mean, anyhow?
It means that if I win the bet, I just get doughnuts, but if I lose, I have to pay dollars. It's a way of saying that I'm very sure I'm right.
No, it's not. You'd rather have doughnuts than dollars anyway.
I know that, because on multiple occasions I have personally seen you in the store exchanging dollars for doughnuts.
Actually, I think YOU'RE going to be a lawyer.
I rest my case.
Comic #068
October 1 2007
TEXT OF COMIC:
I'm curious, Abby. Why do you always buy the box of cookies that's torn or dented or squished flat on one end?
The cookies are fine, Norma. They're in a sealed bag inside the box, and the bag isn't torn.
I was just wondering. I mean, you ALWAYS choose a damaged box, even when there are plenty of undamaged ones.
It's because I don't mind a box with a dent, and some people do.
If I don't buy the dented box, and buy an un-dented box instead, then some picky person who thinks he needs an un-dented box might not be able to get one later, when the dented box is the only one left.
And then a perfectly good box of cookies will be thrown away, just because some picky idiot complained to the poor employees about a little dent.
You're not picky about boxes, but you sure are picky about people.
I tolerate only those who are perfectly non-perfectionist.
Comic #069
October 5 2007
TEXT OF COMIC:
Actually, "godless commie" is an oxymoron.
Huh? What are you talking about?
You know, because "kami" means "god."
Yes, in Japanese. I know THAT. I was asking, why would anyone ever say "godless kami"?
Oh, for crying out loud. I was making a pun, Norma. "Kami" sounds the same as "commie." I refuse to believe that you've never heard the word "commie" used as an insult for a Communist.
Oh... "godless commie." I get it. Duh.
The disturbing thing is that you understood the Japanese part of the pun before you understood the English part.
Your fault for making me watch so much anime.
Comic #070
October 8 2007
TEXT OF COMIC:
Look, here are the photos from the Star Trek convention I went to when I was a freshman.
Wow, you met Leonard Nimoy? Did you ask him any questions?
Well, I wanted to be original. I was going to ask him, "Is there any question you haven't ever been asked before?" But then during his speech, he happened to mention a time when a fan had asked him that.
So what did you do when it came time to ask questions?
I panicked. I ended up asking him, "How do you type with boxing gloves on your hands?"
Wow, good job. I bet he'd never gotten that one before.
Comic #071
October 12 2007
TEXT OF COMIC:
Did you find everything all right?
More or less.
This department store sells absolutely no women's cargo pants. I had to look for them in the men's section, and men's pants generally don't fit me that well.
When I finally found some pairs that looked as if they might fit me, I had to carry them all the way upstairs to the women's fitting room to try them on. But none of them fit.
So I had to go all the way back down to the men's section, and then back up again, three times, until I finally found the right pair.
Transvestism can be such a pain in the neck.
If you ever have to wear a tie, you will discover the full truth of that statement.
Comic #072
October 15 2007
TEXT OF COMIC:
It seems as if every store has a pharmacy these days. Target, Wal-Mart, Cub, Rainbow. They've all got these little drugstores built into their stores, where you can get prescriptions filled and everything.
Maybe the franchises that actively endanger your health should also have pharmacies, to make up for it.
Like fast food places. They could sell vitamins, antacids, diet pills, cholesterol reducers...
Old McDonald's had a pharmacy, E-I-E-I-O!
Comic #073
October 19 2007
TEXT OF COMIC:
Some authors Google every idea they get before they use it in a story, to make sure no one has come up with it already. But I think new ideas are like fossil fuels. The world is running out of them, and we have to start conserving.
In the old days, say an author came up with a clever title for his book-- he'd have no way of knowing if there was already a book with that title. So he'd use it anyway, and there could end up being quite a few books with the same title. Which is okay. The world can live with that.
But now we have the Internet, and every author can know beyond a reasonable doubt whether his title is taken, and make sure he uses one that isn't. Which means we'll run out of new book titles a lot faster.
Same goes for other kinds of ideas. The world of creativity is experiencing an energy crisis.
I propose a policy of creative conservation. When we get ideas, we should put them into practice without checking to see if they're new. That way, we'll be using both new and recycled ideas, and we'll use up the world's resources of creativity at the same slow rate as before the Internet.
Someone's probably thought of that already.
Well, I'm not going to check.
Comic #074
October 22 2007
TEXT OF COMIC:
I don't know how anyone can ever get married.
Remember freshman orientation, when they took us on a tour of the dorms? I remember when the hall director said, "Don't choose your best friend to be your roommate. There's one set of personality traits that will make a good friend for you, and a totally different set that will make your ideal roommate."
She's right. The chances of both those sets of traits occurring in the same person are virtually nonexistent. And yet, in order to get married, you must find a person who is both a good friend and a good roommate.
And not just any good friend and good roommate. A friend you would be willing to spend most of your time with for the rest of your life. A roommate you would want to share your home with forever. And in addition, you have to find the person physically attractive.
It can't happen. I can't imagine how any marriage could ever succeed. I mean, I can't even keep a roommate.
That's because you're the only student on campus who decides in the middle of the night that the floor absolutely NEEDS to be vacuumed, and that you can't sleep until it's done.
I've been happy ever since the special ed office convinced the residence office to give me a single dorm.
Comic #075
October 26 2007
TEXT OF COMIC:
Abby? What are you doing here? This is Spanish 111. You're in the Spanish 399 class that I teach this afternoon.
I'm not Abby. I'm Norma.
What?
It's Halloween. So Abby dressed up as me, and I dressed up as her. I'm Norma, and this is the same Spanish class I always go to.
Stop being ridiculous, Abby. Go back to whatever class you're scheduled to be in right now, and tell Norma to get her butt in here.
Just you wait. This afternoon, Abby will come to Spanish 399 dressed as me, and she'll tell you exactly what I'm telling you.
I'll believe her if she can conjugate irregular verbs in the imperfect subjunctive.
Comic #076
October 29 2007
TEXT OF COMIC:
Okay, Norma, get out of my Spanish 399 class. This is the class your friend Abby goes to. You take Spanish 111.
We told you, it's Halloween. Norma and I are dressing up as each other. I'm Abby.
Then prove it. Conjugate the verb "calamar" in the preterit, imperfect and perfect tenses.
Ooh, nice trick question.
You can't conjugate "calamar." It ends like a verb, but it's really a noun. It means "squid."
Okay, you're right... but you could have learned that from Abby. Let's try another one.
Translate the following into English: "Tengo que vacunar la carpeta."
Tough one. That's not Spanish, that's Spanglish.
Someone who said that would most likely be trying to say, "I have to vacuum the carpet," mixing Spanish words with English words pronounced in a Spanish way.
"Vacunar" and "carpeta" also have Spanish meanings, but the sentence would be nonsense if you interpreted it as being fully in Spanish. It would mean "I have to vaccinate the folder."
Okay, good. But can you get this one? Tell me the difference between "se" with an accent mark and "se" without an accent mark.
"Se" without an accent mark is the third person reflexive pronoun. "Se" with an accent mark is the first person singular present form of the verb "saber," meaning "to know."
In fact, in the present tense, the first person singular is the only form that shows the difference between the two meanings of "saber": "to know" and "to have a flavor." If the latter were put in the first person singular, it would be "sabo." But it's rarely, if ever, put in that form.
I can't understand it. How did you know all that, Norma? That was perfect.
No, it wasn't. It was present.
Okay, now I believe you. Only Abby could make a pun that bad.
Or a very, very well-prepared Norma. You will never know for sure.
Comic #077
November 2 2007
TEXT OF COMIC:
Why does Professor Michaelson always print his handouts on this horrible neon-colored paper?
Well, I guess he just...
Professor Jenkins does it too, and it's just annoying. Actually, she's worse, because she also writes these long, convoluted sentences with about eight clauses, so you can barely figure out what she's trying to say.
...Abby? What's wrong?
Oh, I get it. You're mad because I interrupted you. I'm sorry. Go ahead and say what you were going to say.
Never mind. I don't want to anymore.
You know, you drive me crazy when you do that. If you're so mad because I didn't let you say it, then why don't you even want to say it now that I'm giving you the chance?
Well, I did have something to say, and the reason I was going to say it was because it was funny. But humor is 90% timing. And now that you've ruined the timing by interrupting me, it's not funny any more, so there's no point in saying it.
It had to be said right after the question you asked. If I said it now, it would just sound lame.
Abby, your jokes ALWAYS...
Lovely weather we're having lately, don't you think?
Comic #078
November 5 2007
TEXT OF COMIC:
What are "calories," anyway?
They're a measure of energy. The number of calories in a piece of food is just a way of saying how much energy that food could give you if you ate it.
I heard that calories make you fat.
That's because if you don't use up the energy by exercising, the food just sits around in your body as extra weight.
It's as if you filled a car's gas tank and then didn't drive it anywhere. The car just sits there with all that unused fuel weighing it down.
So why don't cars get fat?
Because you can't put more gas in a car's tank when it's already full. But when people have extra fat, we can still eat. In fact, we still get hungry and want to eat, instead of just using up our fat reserves when we're low on energy.
So God is a worse designer than the car companies.
Actually, God's only mistake was that he counted on us getting exercise. But then we had to go and invent cars.
Comic #079
November 9 2007
TEXT OF COMIC:
Abby, for the past week you've turned in every assignment exactly one day late.
Yes, Professor Michaelson. In honor of National Asynchronous Month, I've decided to be one day out of sync in everything I do.
November is National Asynchronous Month?
No, actually, National Asynchronous Month begins on October 28th and ends on November 29th.
This is one for my collection of creative excuses.
It moves forward a day every year. Next year it will be from October 29th to November 30th.
Comic #080
November 12 2007
TEXT OF COMIC:
My mom has decided that I'm going to apply to a day care center.
What? But you hate taking care of kids! And you already have a job!
That's what I told her, but she insisted. She says every young woman should get some practice caring for kids, to prepare her for the day when she will do her daughterly duty and provide her mother with some grandchildren.
You should stand up to her! If not for your sake, then for the sake of those poor kids. I can only imagine what they'd suffer under your well-meaning but inept rule. Tell your mom to forget it.
I can't stand up to her. I'm a spineless worm with absolutely no leadership qualities. If someone asks me for something enough times, I have to give in. It's the same failing that makes me unsuitable to take care of kids.
Then tell your mom how unsuitable you'd be! Stand up for yourself! Be like Washington! Like Roosevelt!
I can't. If I were president of a country, it would be a country of lily-livered sissies and wimps. Its flag would be plain white, and its national anthem would start with the words "We surrender."
I bet it would be named "Chicken." It would be right next to Turkey.
Only if Turkey offered to give us the land. We'd never have the guts to conquer anyplace.
Comic #081
November 16 2007
TEXT OF COMIC:
So you'd like to work for our day care service.
Well, my mom would like me to work here.
What experience do you have working with children?
I have two seven-year-old cousins. They visit me at my dorm a lot. But I guess I don't really think of that as "taking care of kids"... it's more just hanging out with them.
What do you do with them?
I tell them horror stories about the tooth fairy, teach them nauseatingly bad puns, and encourage them to rebel against their idiotic parents.
You're giving me the impression that your mom is the only one who'd be happy if you worked here.
Her and a few of the more eccentric children.
Comic #082
November 19 2007
TEXT OF COMIC:
Well, this seems like a waste of time, but let's move on. In this phase of the interview, I'd like to ask you a few "what-if" questions about working with children.
Like, "what if I actually fail in my earnest attempts to avoid getting hired?"
Well, more like, "what would you do if someone else's child asked you where babies come from?"
I'd make him watch the movie "Alien."
What's going on in here? Abby, are you saying stupid things again?
Seriously, Mom! That's how I feel about pregnancy!
Well, you're still going to give me grandchildren, if it takes me the rest of my life to convince you.
It will take you a lot more than that.
Comic #083
November 23 2007
TEXT OF COMIC:
Well, in this interview you've demonstrated a complete inability to be in a position of control over children without emotionally scarring them for life and/or inciting rampant disobedience on their part.
However, our child care service is pretty desperate for new employees at the moment, so if you haven't ever physically mistreated a child, we might just have to hire you.
Actually, I beat up a five-year-old once.
You did not, Abby! Stop making things up!
I did too, Mom! Remember? The little jerk who took away my Spock action figure?
You were three years old!
It still counts!
Comic #084
November 26 2007
TEXT OF COMIC:
So you managed to stand up for yourself and refuse that job your mom was trying to get you at that day care center. Good for you.
Well, I didn't really stand up to my mom. I only managed it by convincing the interviewer that I'd be a serious danger to the kids. Once he'd made up his mind not to hire me, Mom couldn't do anything about it.
So has she finally given up on her nefarious plot to make you get experience in taking care of kids so that you'll someday be ready to make grandchildren for her?
Well, she does seem to have finally realized that it's not worth having grandchildren if they have to suffer through being raised by someone like me.
But I don't think she's totally given up on having grandchildren.
Huh? You don't have any siblings. If she's not going to get them from you, then where?
Do you prescribe those drugs that let 50- and 60-year-old women have babies?
I don't prescribe them to people with that kind of insane gleam in their eyes.
Comic #085
November 30 2007
TEXT OF COMIC:
It should be cold enough to ice skate soon.
I've always admired people who can ice skate well.
I'm just in awe of those couples who skate together, and then one of them throws the other up in the air and catches her. That must take so much trust.
I guess you can't throw anyone farther than you can trust them.
Har.
Comic #086
December 3 2007
TEXT OF COMIC:
Why are you dressed up like that, Sharon?
I'm a fairy with magical powers.
Poof! I just turned you into a nerdy college senior with glasses and butt-length brown hair.
I already was a nerdy college senior with glasses and butt-length brown hair.
See, I can even change the past!
Comic #087
December 7 2007
TEXT OF COMIC:
How do you get your hair to grow so long?
How do you think? I don't cut it.
My barber says hair grows faster if you trim the ends.
That sounds like something a barber would say.
Hair's just made of dead cells. It grows because the hair follicle keeps adding more dead cells to the root of the hair. The follicle has no way of knowing what's happening at the other end.
Then why does my hair always grow to a certain length and stop, and then start growing again after I cut it?
Your hair will grow only to a certain length. But at any given time, you've got hairs of several different lengths on your head. Haven't you noticed that the ends of your hairs are very even when you've just cut them, but when it's been a while, you start to see strands of different lengths?
Each one starts growing out of the follicle, gets to its full length, stops, waits a while, and then falls out. But it's like they take shifts-- they start growing out of their follicles at different times. That's why your hair doesn't fall out all at once.
So when you cut your hair, the hairs that were already at their full length when you cut them actually don't start growing again-- but the hairs that weren't fully grown yet will keep growing at their usual rate, and eventually your hair will get to its maximum length again.
No matter what you do, you can't make your hair grow past its full length. But it'll get there faster if you don't cut it.
Is that true, or did you just make all that up?
Hey, the results speak for themselves.
Comic #088
December 10 2007
TEXT OF COMIC:
So you really don't think trimming your hair makes it grow any faster?
No. It goes against all common sense.
Even assuming that your follicles could somehow sense when you cut your hair, and could speed up growth to make up for it-- logic dictates that they would only speed it up enough to make up for the missing inches, and no more. So your hair wouldn't reach its full length any faster than it would if you left it alone.
Well, I'm still going to keep trimming my hair, because I'd rather have short hair than three-foot-long split ends.
Yet another benefit of not cutting-- you'll eventually have TWICE as many hairs per square inch!
Comic #089
December 14 2007
TEXT OF COMIC:
You know, a lot of the songs we think of as "Christmas songs" don't even mention Christmas at all.
"Jingle Bells." "Frosty the Snowman." "Let It Snow." "Winter Wonderland." They're not Christmas songs. They're just winter songs.
And there is NOTHING AT ALL to celebrate about winter.
Sounds like someone forgot her jacket again.
Comic #090
December 17 2007
TEXT OF COMIC:
You know, I never seem to see any storks.
I guess they're all too busy bringing babies.
Storks don't bring babies, Sharon.
Then how do we get more storks?
Okay, you're right. Storks do bring baby storks. But they don't bring any other kinds of babies.
Well, sure, that's obvious. If they brought people babies, we'd see them flying around all the time.
Comic #091
December 21 2007
TEXT OF COMIC:
In the store yesterday, I saw one of those Christmas ornaments with all the tiny little bits of mirror glued onto them. And there was a warning label on the package.
At first, I was delighted about the warning label. I bought one of those ornaments once, a long time ago. I thought it was beautiful, all shiny and sparkly.
But after I'd had it for a week, the little bits of mirror started falling off, and I couldn't find them all, and for the whole next year I was stepping on them, and having to dig the glass out of the bottoms of my feet with tweezers.
So I looked closer at the warning label, hoping that it would tell people about that. But do you know what it said?
"Keep this plastic wrapper away from children. May cling to face and cause suffocation."
How'd you guess?
Comic #092
December 24 2007
TEXT OF COMIC:
I have never seen anyone eat Christmas dinner so messily. Were you born in a barn, Abby?
Of course! Why not? Christmas is all ABOUT being born in a barn.
It took me a moment to get that, but that was pretty clever.
I'm going home to sleep in my manger now.
Comic #093
December 28 2007
TEXT OF COMIC:
Remember when all the girls in school were arguing over whether Britney Spears or Kevin Federline should get custody of the kids? They all yelled at me when I said I didn't think either of them was fit to raise a child.
But I still think I was right. In fact, I doubt it's EVER in a child's best interests to be raised by a celebrity, whether it's an actor, a singer, a politician, or what have you.
I think every kid has an inalienable right to grow up without being followed by paparazzi. You start out at a disadvantage if the whole world knows everything you did when you were little.
Plus, living in the public eye ruins marriages. How many actors and singers do you know who stay married more than a couple years? Of course politicians stay together for the sake of public image, but their marriages suck as much as the actors' marriages, and their kids suffer for it.
Frankly, I think Britney and Kevin's kids should have been taken away from them, given up for adoption, and raised by someone who had no idea where they came from.
Of all your rants, I like this one even less than the one about whether Hillary or Obama has more of a chance at the presidency.
Actually, I don't think I'll vote for either of them. They both have children.
Comic #094
December 31 2007
I once read an article about a guy who was eating while driving, and choked on his food and lost control of the car, and was saved when his seatbelt tightened and forced his food back out of his throat. That was awesome. I'd heard of seatbelts saving lives before, but never by performing the Heimlich maneuver.
TEXT OF COMIC:
In every fairy tale, the spell seems to get broken with a kiss. Sleeping Beauty, Snow White...
Actually, the idea that Snow White was awakened with a kiss was invented by Disney.
In the original story, when she ate the apple, a piece of it got stuck in her throat, and that was why she lost consciousness.
Then the prince came and saw her, and decided to bring her back to his palace, but his servants stumbled while carrying her, and the apple was knocked out of her throat and she woke up.
Wow. Accidental Heimlich maneuver.
The crazy thing is that it could almost happen in real life.