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Abby and Norma
from 2017
Comic #1653
January 1 2017
MOUSEOVER TEXT: return of the tiger mother
polar bears still didn't seem to like him though
TEXT OF COMIC:
Calm down, Hans. He's joking. He couldn't actually be your dad too-- the years are wrong. He didn't move away until I was in my teens.
Hey, don't try and speak for me, Abby.
Yes, the years are wrong for me to be his dad. But I actually wasn't joking about the lady.
Showed up one day in the middle of winter-- no idea how she got to my place, it was a hundred miles from anywhere. Paid me $400 for the, uh, reproductive cells. Brought a contract for us both to sign, agreeing that I had no rights or responsibilities regarding what she was gonna do with them.
Looked like she could've been your mom, too, Hans. The right age, and a bit of resemblance.
Well, considering how much of a disappointment I was, I wouldn't be surprised if Mom did try to breed more kids after me. Did she mention her name?
Not that I recall. It must have been on the contract, but I signed without really looking at it. I mean, it was $400.
Did she say where she lived?
Nope. Commented on where I lived, though. She said that my inhabitation of a frozen wasteland suggested that I had desirable traits in common with solitary species such as the polar bear and Siberian tiger.
That... WAS my mom.
Comic #1654
January 7 2017
MOUSEOVER TEXT: he was simply observing that you are a dad
At the moment, I do not have any plans for story arcs involving Ron's parents.
TEXT OF COMIC:
I never saw her again. I've got no idea if she ever had a baby.
But she could have. I might have a half-sibling!
And I might have a half-sibling!
And they might be the SAME half-sibling!
What does that make us? Half-siblings by proxy?
DAD!!
NO I'M NOT YOUR DAD TOO!
That's my friend Ron, and I don't think he meant anything by that.
Comic #1655
January 8 2017
MOUSEOVER TEXT: the worse the joke, the more A's the word Dad has
and careful with those Farscape cusses, or I'll wash your mouth out with soap
TEXT OF COMIC:
So now you've met all my friends, except...
There he is! Dad, this is Polyphemus the starling!
You have a pet? How did you ever get it past campus security?
Through an ingenious deception I will explain later.
I am Abby's service animal!
Okay, OR I guess he can explain it.
You taught him to talk? That's so cool!
He is the outlet for all my parental instincts. I cannot find human babies cute, so I channel it all into him.
Well, I say he makes a darn good grandchild. Looks just like me-- missing eye and all.
Yeah, he was born that way. I guess it was why he got kicked out of the nest.
I was gonna ask if he lost it because you got him some BB gun for Christmas.
Daaaaaad!
Careful with that toy, son! You'll shoot your OTHER eye out!
Frelling frell.
Comic #1656
January 14 2017
MOUSEOVER TEXT: caketown
thus ends this holiday season's story arc.
TEXT OF COMIC:
OK, we finally got the cake put away. It's the biggest thing I've ever bought! I'm gonna have cake for months.
Well, I better get my own cake back to my place.
So you have a place near here? Are you gonna be living here long?
I might. This town does have a great mall with an amazing cake shop. Might be a place I can settle down.
You might run into Mom sometimes, though. She doesn't live in town, but she does come to visit me.
Ah, I've faced a polar bear and a penguin, I'll survive the occasional encounter with her.
I still can't tell if he's joking with all those crazy stories.
Norma, when I'm joking you'll be able to tell.
That's true. His jokes can be felt, like a big spiky anvil falling on your head.
Abby, hate to break it to you, but they are not actually that different from yours.
Comic #1657
January 15 2017
MOUSEOVER TEXT: at least she recognized it
MLK was a great man; he was into Star Trek long before it was cool
TEXT OF COMIC:
What kind of necklace is that? Is that a GUN?
Yes. I'm wearing it in honor of Martin Luther King Day.
What? MLK was against guns!
I believe that when someone preaches non-violence and then is violently killed, the best way to honor him is to wear jewelry depicting the exact method of his murder.
You're making fun of my cross necklace again, aren't you.
Comic #1658
January 21 2017
MOUSEOVER TEXT: Now, if you are slow enough to get the date MORE than one year off, that opens up further possibilities.
A 9 can also be turned into a zero without too much warping, if you're okay with zeroes that have those little slashes through them. But then you also have to worry about the digit before it.
TEXT OF COMIC:
(1/21/2012 with the 2 turned into a 3)
(1/21/2015 with the 5 turned into a 6)
(1/21/2017 with the 7 turned into an 8)
(1/21/2106 with the 6 not turned into a 7)
There are only three years in each decade when you can get away with writing the date in pen during the first few months.
And this is clearly not one of them.
Comic #1659
January 22 2017
MOUSEOVER TEXT: absolute power is gained by being absolutely corrupt to begin with
I kind of like the idea that God's sadistic nature is a direct result of all those centuries of absolute power, but I don't think it really makes sense because life for humans has, in general, gotten better over the centuries rather than worse. (Maybe God expresses his growing evilness mostly toward other life forms.)
TEXT OF COMIC:
How does anyone know if absolute power really corrupts absolutely?
I mean, no one's ever HAD absolute power...
I mean, it would pretty much be IMPOSSIBLE to have absolute power...
Unless, like, you were GOD or something...
But then, I suppose, if there really is a God in this world, it's pretty clear he IS absolutely corrupt...
So never mind, I guess.
I'm sorry, were you talking?
Comic #1660
January 28 2017
MOUSEOVER TEXT: I ardently love Alice Grove, much more than you'd expect
"rat avatar" is a palindrome
TEXT OF COMIC:
What ever happened to fans of Avatar?
What? They're everywhere.
I don't mean the airbender thing, I mean the movie with the blue aliens. Weren't there fans who were so obsessed with it that they wanted to spend the rest of their lives LARPing it in some forest somewhere?
No, I don't think so. There was a video about that, but it was a spoof.
I hope so. Imagine how hard it would be to dress up as an Avatar alien for the rest of your life. Blue paint after every bath.
You could take baths in water containing blue dye.
Yeah, I suppose. Or take that supplement.
What supplement?
The one that's supposed to make you healthy but actually does nothing but make your skin permanently blue if you take too much of it.
Oh. Colloidal silver.
Yeah. That's it.
"I'm a fan of Avatar, and also Mass Effect...
I'm a groupie for the Blue Man Group, I pester them for sex...
I take colloidal silver 'cause I love the side effects...
I've got the bluuuuues!"
Shut up.
Comic #1661
January 29 2017
MOUSEOVER TEXT: yay palindrome number
Those of us who lack the ability to believe in the supernatural may be able to find some of the same comfort in the thought that life could be a simulation and we might wake up into another world when we die. (But it's not MUCH comfort, since a world that would simulate crap like this must be pretty messed up.)
TEXT OF COMIC:
What are you doing?
Arrg, I'm reading some clickbait list I got sucked into. Stuff about "paranormal experiences" that people had.
Hmm.
It is truly rotting my brain, Abby. I have almost zero belief in the supernatural-- and yet when I read enough of this crap, I start wondering, if so many people have had these experiences that nature can't explain, is there any chance I'm wrong?
Well... from what we know of this universe's laws of nature, it does seem unlikely that there are any forces of the type that most people call "supernatural."
However, it IS plausible that, with sufficient advances in technology, people could be put in a simulation that they believed was reality.
In fact, even with today's virtual-reality technology-- the Oculus Rift and so on-- you could put a baby in a simulation at birth, and keep him in it for his whole life, every moment he was conscious-- and he WOULD think it was reality.
He'd have no way of knowing it wasn't. He'd have no knowledge of actual reality to compare it to. He'd even think video game physics were the way physics worked in real life.
And who knows! If it's possible to be in a simulation like that, maybe we ARE. Maybe the real world has totally different laws of nature, and this world is a rough approximation of it, with glitches here and there. Maybe you just haven't encountered any of the glitches yet. Maybe the people on that clickbait list have.
...What? Did I blow your mind?
No, I'm still stuck on the horrifyingly plausible vision of you as a mad scientist trapping a baby in an Oculus Rift game.
I'm pretty sure it would be a more enjoyable life than this one.
Comic #1662
February 4 2017
MOUSEOVER TEXT: You thank ME for the taste.
but how can i be totally sure it exists without eating any?
TEXT OF COMIC:
Karen! We don't eat our food until after we've said a prayer!
Why? Is it gonna kill us?
NO, we just want to thank God for giving us this food. How would you like to give someone food and not be thanked?
Well, I'd want them to wait until after they'd at least TASTED it, 'cause otherwise the thanks would be pretty meaningless.
You're thanking God for the food's EXISTENCE, not its taste.
Comic #1663
February 5 2017
MOUSEOVER TEXT: Lana is anal spelled backward
Actually it is a reference to discredited pseudoscience that claimed people's personalities were determined by their toilet training in childhood, but yeah, okay.
TEXT OF COMIC:
You stocked the self-help section in the wrong order again.
Geez, Abby, you are so ANAL.
What did you call me? Did you just say "A-hole"?
No, I said ANAL.
That means the same thing as A-hole.
Not in this context.
What does it mean in this context? Neat and organized? Conscientious employee?
Let's go with "pain in the butt."
Comic #1664
February 11 2017
MOUSEOVER TEXT: my new favorite riff on the old parachute-backpack joke
True story: we have an awesome stainless steel bento lunchbox, a gift from my mother-in-law, who said she rescued it from airport security who thought it was a bomb.
She claims she saw it abandoned in an airport and overheard the security guys talking about whether it could be a bomb, and she knew it was a bento box and she didn't want them to destroy it, so she picked it up and took it home when they weren't looking.
If this is true, my mother-in-law basically stole a suspected bomb out from under the noses of the bomb squad, and she is the most badass creature on earth.
TEXT OF COMIC:
Do you want to hear a joke?
No.
A schoolgirl was on a plane, traveling to see her grandmother.
Suddenly, an air marshal approached her seat and whispered, "Don't panic, but it has come to my attention that there's a bomb on the seat next to yours."
"This plane is doomed," he said. "But I have two parachutes, and I can get you off the plane and to safety."
Before the girl could speak, a TSA agent who had overheard the conversation interrupted. "No, let me have a parachute! I can see there's a bomb, and you can't leave me here to die!"
"No," protested the air marshal, "we have to give one parachute to the child!"
"Then let me go with her," said the TSA agent. "It's your duty to go down with the plane if it crashes, anyway."
"No it's not," said the air marshal, "and I can keep her safe better than you can!"
"No you can't," said the TSA agent, "I have better safety training!"
The two of them fought fiercely over the parachutes, while the girl sat in her seat and watched.
Finally, realizing that they had no time left, they both just put on the parachutes, opened the door and jumped out, falling toward a frozen mountain wasteland miles from anywhere.
The lady behind the girl's seat tapped her on the shoulder. "What was that all about?"
The girl shrugged and said, "Oh, they thought this was a bomb. But it's just my backpack."
That JOKE is a bomb.
You sound just like friggin' airport security.
Comic #1665
February 12 2017
MOUSEOVER TEXT: brrrrr
One day it gives you fair weather, the next day it might starve you with a drought or drown you with a hurricane... just like any friend in this dumb world
TEXT OF COMIC:
Uggh, it's so cold.
From the temperatures in November, I was thinking this was going to be a mild winter.
Global warming will not always be your friend.
A fair-weather friend, huh?
Literally.
Comic #1666
February 18 2017
MOUSEOVER TEXT: 1666
Bars apparently set the bar for coolness, in Cathy's world.
TEXT OF COMIC:
What did you do for Valentine's Day?
Wrote romantic fan fiction.
That is so sad.
Go ahead and feel sad for me, but I had a great time.
You are the biggest loser in the world. You wouldn't know anything cool if it came up and bit you.
Anything that would do that wouldn't be cool anyway.
Wanna hear a joke? Abby walks into a bar.
That's it. That's the joke. The idea of you in a bar is so ridiculous it's funny. That's how uncool you are.
You spend a surprising amount of time around me, considering.
Comic #1667
February 19 2017
MOUSEOVER TEXT: give a centimeter and they'll take a kilometer
I recently found out that not only do U.S. laws not require workplaces to give 15-minute breaks, they're not even federally required to give a 30-minute lunch break: source
TEXT OF COMIC:
What's up, boss?
I need to let you know that we're changing our break schedule. From now on, employees will have only a 30-minute unpaid break in each 8-hour shift, no paid 15-minute breaks.
What? That sucks!
Well, it's just that we've found out employees will always use more break time than they're officially given.
Frankly, you can't give a whole hour of breaks unless you want your employees to take a lot more. Give them an inch and they'll take a mile.
...Wait. Is that metaphor to scale?
What?
I mean, there are 63,360 inches in a mile.
Calculating from your use of that analogy, I can deduce that you plan to officially give your employees 1/63360 of the time you actually expect them to take.
So, because you're still officially giving us a 30-minute break, you clearly want us to take an amount of break time 63,360 times that much-- 1,900,800 minutes per day.
That's 1,320 DAYS of free time for each day worked. I can retire now!
Allow me to remind you that's not paid time.
Oh. Right. Crap.
Comic #1668
February 25 2017
MOUSEOVER TEXT: coarse mode
if I had a hammer I'd bash your head in
TEXT OF COMIC:
Abby, what is that noise?? It sounds like you're hitting something with a hammer.
You're in a dorm! You can't do carpentry at all-- let alone at this early hour!
-.. .- -. --. . .-.
Is... Is that Morse code?
Rrrgh, okay, if that's how you want to do it. Let me get on that decoding website.
.-- .- .-. -. .. -. --.
"Danger"? "Warning"? What? Abby, are you okay?
.-.. --- ...- . / -... . - .-- . . -. / - .... . / -... .-. --- - .... . .-. ... / .- -. -.. / - .... . / ... .. ... - . .-. ... / --. --- - / ... -.-. .- .-. . -.. / .- -. -.. / ... .- .. -.. / -.-- --- ..- .----. .-. . / -- --- ...- .. -. --. / .. -. / .-- .. - .... / -.-- --- ..- .-. / .- ..- -. - / .- -. -.. / ..- -. -.-. .-.. . / .. -. / -... . .-.. -....- .- .. .-.
"Love between the brothers and the..." OH FOR CRAP'S SAKE, ABBY!
Comic #1669
February 26 2017
MOUSEOVER TEXT: click your mouse on the benjamin button
In order to write a fanfic that Abby liked, this person must have gotten one heck of a beta reader.
TEXT OF COMIC:
ponfarrferret77: Hey, awesome fanfic, RUeffinsirius2015! I like your original character. Though, I have to admit I have some trouble taking characters named "Tabitha" seriously, since I always associate it with that Beatrix Potter character called "Miss Tabitha Twitchit."
RUeffinsirius2015: wtf do u mean, 'beatrix potter character'. do u mean bellatrix lastrange? cause her last name isnt potter, thats the main charachter, didnt u ever read the books? And theres no such thing as a 'bellatrix lastrange charachter" anyway since the whole franchise is named Harry Potter, after the MAIN CHARACHTER, not her. U mean a Harry Potter Carachter. and ur still not makin sense because their is no harry potter characer named Tabitha twichet. F U.
I must be approaching old age. I'm remembering cultural phenomena that the younger generation doesn't know about, AND I'm beginning to feel the insidious temptation to smack that same younger generation over the head.
You're not getting old, the rest of the internet's population is just getting younger.
Comic #1670
March 4 2017
MOUSEOVER TEXT: the house always wins
In an adjacent universe, homemade items must be made BY a home. Chefs must either rent out their bodies as homes to parasitic aliens, or risk being replaced by sentient robot-houses.
TEXT OF COMIC:
This menu looks great. It's rare that I find a restaurant where I like more than one thing.
My favorite is the homemade grilled cheese.
Is it really homemade?
I mean, I'm assuming it's made in the restaurant.
Wow.
I just imagined a whole world where truth-in-advertising laws require anything labeled "homemade" to be actually made in somebody's home, and restaurants hire people to LIVE IN THE RESTAURANT so that it will legally be considered a home for that purpose.
You've just invented my dream job. Can I move into that world?
I wish.
Comic #1671
March 5 2017
MOUSEOVER TEXT: or bag bottom, i guess
OK, I can't resist using this as another opportunity to remind everyone that Monolithic Dome Homes are awesome (and very compatible with the "hobbit hole" design).
TEXT OF COMIC:
I can't wait until I can afford to have my own house built.
If you ever can, the way this world is going.
I want an underground house.
Oh, a hobbit hole?
Yeah. So energy-efficient, and safe from all sorts of things that can happen to the exterior of a house.
Too bad that it's so hard to get neighbors to be okay with any type of unusual house. Especially in a nice area of town.
Yeah, that sucks. Because if I could, I'd build my hobbit house in a cul-de-sac.
Because...?
Because "cul-de-sac" literally means "Bag End."
Wow.
Comic #1672
March 11 2017
MOUSEOVER TEXT: incentive for abby's mom to invent magical future prediction
Abby is promising that, if she ever gains the power to foresee the future, she will begin looking for a boyfriend some time afterwards (because then she'll know how best to avoid actually finding one.)
TEXT OF COMIC:
Yes, Mom.
Yes. Uh huh. Yes, OKAY.
Yes, I understand your worries about me being alone forever and never giving you grandchildren. I see how hard that must be for you. Yes, Mom. Yes, please don't worry.
YES. Look, I PROMISE I will start looking for a boyfriend some time in the foreseeable future.
Okay. Uh huh. Bye.
Did you actually just cave in and make that promise to your mom? Is she that overbearing?
Well, see, I left a loophole.
The "foreseeable future" isn't actually a real thing.
Ah.
Comic #1673
March 12 2017
MOUSEOVER TEXT: it also helps to never change your facial expression
Cathy has pretty much never seen any old people, because old people aren't glamorous, and one just doesn't associate with unglamorous people.
TEXT OF COMIC:
You're so fat! You're gonna die soon 'cause of that. You know why you never see fat old people?
Um, I do see them. Most old people I know are kinda fat.
And if you think you've never seen any fat old people, Cathy, maybe you're just not looking hard enough.
See, the reason old people get wrinkles, is because their skin has stretched over the years. But if you keep getting fatter, your skin can't stretch enough to keep up, so you never wrinkle, so you never look old.
By continuously gaining weight, I will continue to look young far into my old age. Fatness is the fountain of youth, the only natural anti-aging remedy.
Yeah, but you'll look like a FAT young person.
I'll tell people it's just baby fat.
Comic #1674
March 18 2017
MOUSEOVER TEXT: well, the stinger IS a modified ovipositor...
In a fit of writer's block on what to put in this space, I very nearly pasted the entire script of Bee Movie here, but in the process of preparing to do that I happened to read some of it, and I'm sorry, it's just too awful.
TEXT OF COMIC:
It's getting warmer out. Soon there will be insects again. Bees and wasps. Not looking forward to it.
Ah well, it's not as bad as I imagined when I was a kid.
Huh?
When I was little, I thought bees laid their eggs in you when they stung you.
Eww.
I think I was confused about the word "hives."
I didn't realize there was a difference between hives you get on your skin from bee stings, and hives that bees live in. I thought the way a bee starts a new hive is by stinging someone and laying eggs in them.
I was in constant fear of my body being overtaken by an entire colony of bees and turning into a hive, until all my original parts just wasted away.
We should teach bees to do that. It would increase their dwindling numbers, while reducing the dangerously high numbers of humans.
Comic #1675
March 19 2017
MOUSEOVER TEXT: the only time abortion is bad is if your fetus is gay and God would send it to hell.
We should just kill all humans. It'll satisfy the religious people because everyone who deserves happiness will go to heaven and be happy forever, and it'll satisfy the scientific people because it will reduce global warming.
TEXT OF COMIC:
Stop! Go back home! Don't kill your baby!
Protestors, huh? I've heard about you.
But I'm not here for an abortion. I'm just refilling my birth control pills. Which I take to control irregular periods, by the way, not because of my NONEXISTENT sex life.
I'm not falling for that! If you wanted pills, you'd go to a normal doctor, not support this den of demons! You're here to kill a baby!
Ugh. Listen, you believe in God, right?
Of course I believe in--
So you think a fetus has a soul?
Yes!
And if the fetus dies, does the soul go to heaven?
YES, because GOD actually cares about babies!
And heaven's better than Earth, right?
OF COURSE IT IS, why are you even--
So if I'm having an abortion, I'm just doing what's best for my baby.
But... But GOD DOESN'T LIKE IT, he'll send you to HELL--
Which I'm willing to accept, because no sacrifice is too great to do what's best for my child. Let me through.
That-- Argh-- That--
Makes too much sense for your brain to handle?
If-- If you go by that logic, though, what if you had a kid that was already born? Would you have to kill him too?
THAT'S WHY I'M HERE FOR BIRTH CONTROL.
Comic #1676
March 25 2017
MOUSEOVER TEXT: Physical signs of lying include nervous fidgeting, lack of eye contact, excessive eye contact, and crossed fingers.
It's odd that crossing fingers (at least in some cultures, such as mine) can mean either "good luck" or "I don't have to keep the promise I'm making." Maybe it's an attempt to summon good luck in the endeavor of hiding one's lie?
TEXT OF COMIC:
I entered my short story in this competition online. It's judged by public vote, so go vote for it!
Ok, I will. I hope you win! Fingers crossed!
HEY. Are your fingers actually crossed? LET ME SEE.
What's your deal? Do you think crossing my fingers will actually improve your luck?
No, but if you're crossing your fingers while you promise to vote for me, that could have another meaning.
Don't worry, I wouldn't double-cross you.
Comic #1677
March 26 2017
MOUSEOVER TEXT: an egalitarian eats eagles
I'm with Norma. Sometimes an "observation" about the inconsistency of words is really meant as more of a pun.
TEXT OF COMIC:
Why do you drive on a parkway and park in a driveway?
If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat?
Why is it called a pineapple if it contains neither pine nor apple?
If "cacti" is the plural of "cactus," why isn't "I" the plural of "us," instead of the other way around?
Here's an article that gives the etymological origins for all those words, and the logical reasons why your interpretations of them are not reflective of the reality.
You know, on the one hand I do find these explanations interesting and informative...
But on the other hand, it feels kind of like I made a funny pun on two similar words, and then somebody interrupted to say, "WELL ACTUALLY, those may sound the same, but they're two different words with unrelated origins." It kind of ruins the amusement.
You're welcome.
Comic #1678
April 1 2017
MOUSEOVER TEXT: better than Hydrox
Happy April 1st, which I would really like to reinvent as Paradox Day
TEXT OF COMIC:
Ooh! May I steal a cookie?
Sure.
But, you have to consider: Now that I've given you permission, your action cannot really be called stealing.
And yet-- what I gave permission for, specifically, was for you to STEAL a cookie. So you DON'T actually have permission to take it WITH my consent, which would not count as stealing.
So, if you take it, you are taking it WITHOUT permission, which makes it stealing.
Which means, of course, that I DID give you permission, since stealing was exactly what I gave permission for.
Which means, since you have permission, it WASN'T actually stealing...
Mmm, paradox cookies are my favorite.
Comic #1679
April 2 2017
MOUSEOVER TEXT: The other difference is in the movie Idiocracy, people at least seemed to value intelligence and try to elect intelligent people.
Sorry this comic is more depressing than funny.
TEXT OF COMIC:
OK, so apparently the movie Idiocracy posits a future where the world is overrun by idiots because less intelligent people reproduce more.
Hmm. Not sure that works. From all the studies I've read, intelligence is more nurture than nature.
Well, yeah, but it still gets passed down from parent to child, even if it is mostly through nurture.
But school plays at least some role in it. Like, it's impossible to devise an intelligence test that isn't affected by education, because education stimulates your thinking skills. I know I think better when I've been taking classes that keep my brain in practice.
I agree. And that's the basis behind the ACTUAL way that our nation becomes a self-perpetuating idiocracy.
It works like this:
1. The education system is miserably underfunded.
2. People raised by this education system lack the critical thinking to elect competent politicians.
3. The government they elect will destroy the education system even more, because:
4. they may not be smart, but they know:
5. the more uneducated everyone is, the more they'll keep getting elected.
...6.???
...7 Profit!
For a few people, yes.
Comic #1680
April 8 2017
MOUSEOVER TEXT: fried fish sandwiches probably do not improve her cholesterol levels
Fish sandwiches become so much more plentiful when you can multiply loaves and fishes.
As far as I can tell, there is no biblical evidence that Jesus EVER ate any meat besides fish (and maybe not even any evidence that he ate fish... serving it to people isn't the same as eating it).
In any case, Abby isn't trying to be a good Catholic, but her Christlike lacto-ovo-pesca-vegetarian diet means she's following the rules of Lent whether she likes it or not.
TEXT OF COMIC:
Mmm, I'll have the cod filet.
Yeah, me too. Why are all the best fish sandwiches only available this time of year?
Lent. Catholics eat a lot of fish during Lent.
Why is that again?
They don't eat meat on Fridays during Lent, and fish doesn't count as meat.
Okay, both those things make no sense to me.
They don't want to actually eat nothing at all for forty days, so they settled for cutting out meat on Fridays and replacing it with fish.
I'm gonna need you to explain from the beginning.
Okay. They're fasting, to honor Jesus, who is said to have eaten nothing at all for forty days before being crucified.
Why'd he do that?
Well, I mean, I once had to fast for twelve hours before getting a blood test for cholesterol. I guess if it was all four limbs getting pierced, instead of just a vein in your arm, you'd have to do a longer fast.
You are a terrible horrible person.
Comic #1681
April 9 2017
MOUSEOVER TEXT: this strip's number is my birth date, if you use day-month-year format
I think it doesn't quite work, because to determine the accuracy of each individual 90%-chance prediction, you'd have to re-run that specific situation 10 times with all known variables the same, and see if it got the correct answer 9 times out of 10... which of course would be an impossible experiment. Percent-chance predictions really are unfalsifiable.
TEXT OF COMIC:
Predictions with percentages are such a cop-out.
Huh?
If I say there's a 90% chance of rain tomorrow, or my candidate has a 90% chance of winning the election-- no one can say I'm wrong.
If it doesn't rain, or if my candidate doesn't win, that doesn't mean I was wrong. It just means something happened that had a 10% chance of happening.
I guess people would have to judge your predictions on a larger scale, instead of individually.
Yeah. If I've given a 90% chance of a certain outcome, like, ten times in a row... and my preferred outcome has happened nine times, and failed to happen once... then I can say my predictions are 100% accurate.
I'm... not sure that's how it works?
Comic #1682
April 15 2017
MOUSEOVER TEXT: not gonna lie, it is a great show
we provide... (uses skateboard as lever to tip park bench up on end, leaps to the top of it and from there to ledge on nearby building, runs along ledge until coming up perpendicular to next building, uses momentum to run ten feet straight up wall to land on all fours on roof) ...leverage.
TEXT OF COMIC:
I've been getting into the show "Leverage." I really like the characters, especially Parker.
Which one is Parker?
She's the thief who climbs walls, and lowers herself into vaults on a cable, and stuff.
So, like Spider-Man? Is she named after Peter Parker?
Wow. That did not occur to me.
Or maybe she's named after parkour!
Maybe. I guess that involves similar acrobatics.
Ha! Peter Parkour! Imagine a Spider-Man parkour video!
That's just, like, half the scenes in any Spider-Man movie.
Peter Parker packed the park with parkour practice.
Comic #1683
April 16 2017
That might work, but it's risky. Birds that have lived indoors their whole lives can very easily get lost if you let them outside. They may not even be able to find their way down from the nearest tree, let alone follow you across a border.
TEXT OF COMIC:
Another springtime, and Polyphemus still hasn't gotten the yellow beak and gender-color-coded beak base that are supposed to come with breeding plumage.
Yeah, it's weird. But some captive starlings just don't go through that.
You should take him to a vet. Even if he's okay, it would be good to have a professional's statement saying he's okay.
You know. In case you have to move to Canada or something. I think they require pets to be vet-checked and quarantined before crossing any borders.
Would Canada even allow an invasive species like starlings to cross the border?
Canada can't STOP starlings from crossing the border. They've got wings.
Good point. If I ever want to move to Canada, I'll just let Poly fly off before I get to the border, and then I'll meet up with him on the other side.
If only we could all transform into starlings.
Comic #1684
April 22 2017
MOUSEOVER TEXT: boo-ird
my bird is a vet, he fought in the airforce
TEXT OF COMIC:
FINE. I'll take Polyphemus to a vet-- even if it's just to improve his chances of getting safely across the border in case we ever end up being refugees to Canada.
Good for you.
You think they'll let him across if I have a veterinarian's note saying he's in good health?
Well, it can't hurt.
You're doing the right thing, although I really wish immigration didn't have such an...
Extreme vetting process?
Boo.
Comic #1685
April 23 2017
MOUSEOVER TEXT: look up the Quaker parrots in Chicago, they are fascinating
"If you don't treat invasive species, then I guess you can't treat humans!"
"Um, true, we can't, we're a veterinary office."
TEXT OF COMIC:
Hello? Yes, I was wondering if your veterinary office treats birds.
Certainly. What kind?
A starling. I just figured he should start having regular checkups.
Starling? Oh, no, we don't treat wild animals.
He's not wild! I raised him from a baby.
Well, but he came from the wild.
Oh. Well, does that mean you can't see my other bird? I adopted a parrot, too. And I don't know who his first owner was, but from his behavior, I suspect he might have been a wild-caught parrot instead of a captive-bred one. Will that be a problem?
Oh, that's fine. We know how to handle parrots, even difficult ones.
HA! I have revealed your self-contradiction! You will treat a parrot that was wild-caught and raised from a baby, but you won't treat a starling in the exact same circumstances! How do you explain that?
Well, I mean, starlings are wild animals HERE. In the United States.
Oh, so that makes a difference? They aren't native, you know. They were brought over from foreign countries and then they developed invasive American populations.
Just like the Quaker parrots in Chicago, and the red-headed conures in California. Do you need proof that my parrot isn't one of those species?
No. It's a parrot. Parrots are fine.
I don't even have a parrot! I made him up, to expose the utterly discriminatory and hypocritical inconsistency of your policies! I will be taking my business elsewhere!
...Actually there are hardly any other vets who even treat birds around here, and I really want a vet. Pretty please?
*sigh*
Comic #1686
April 29 2017
MOUSEOVER TEXT: if Abby wanted to be the one to break the cycle, she's gotta deal with it
Our vet was better than this one, but the experience still inspired a bit of humor about how little veterinary medicine knows about starlings.
TEXT OF COMIC:
THANK YOU for finally agreeing to see my starling.
Um, yeah. Quite the unusual pet. What do you feed him?
Mixture of dog food and chicken feed.
I would think a songbird pellet formula would be more appropriate.
All the starling owners online agree that this is the diet best suited to the species.
Well, since I've never treated a starling before, I'll defer to them. You're at least giving him some small stones for grit to grind up food in his crop?
Starlings don't do that. They don't have crops.
Um. Well, has he been showing any symptoms that worry you?
Only that he doesn't develop breeding plumage in spring. I know sometimes they just don't do that in captivity, but I'm wondering if something might be off with his hormones.
Well, with most birds I would recommend things like changing the amount of sunlight they get, although to be honest I don't know how much sun a starling needs.
He eats everything he sees. Could it be possible that some foreign object he swallowed is still in him, and is messing with his body somehow?
There would probably be constipation in that case, which... clearly isn't a problem here.
I could do an x-ray, of course, but that's expensive and risky for small animals. And would it be worth that much trouble? Their lifespans can't be that long anyway.
Starlings can live well into their twenties. But yeah, I don't think an x-ray is worth the risk.
Well. I mean, I could do some blood work, but I don't know what levels of anything a starling is supposed to have in its blood. I could weigh him, but I don't know what a starling is supposed to weigh. I could examine him for lumps and deformities, but I don't even know how exactly a starling is supposed to be shaped.
Geez. What is even the point of this?
You SEE why we don't treat starlings?
Not treating starlings and not knowing anything about them is a self-perpetuating cycle!
Comic #1687
apr 29 2017
It's easy to get a vet's statement that he couldn't find anything wrong with your bird, if it's a kind of bird he doesn't know how to find anything wrong with.
TEXT OF COMIC:
So, the vet didn't have a clue.
Too bad.
But he says, as far as he could tell, the bird was fine.
So, I guess Poly has a clean BILL of health!
Was that a pun about the bird's beak, or about the exorbitant veterinary bill you're holding in your hands?
If I don't laugh I'll cry.
Comic #1688
apr 30 2017
MOUSEOVER TEXT: she will be dragged kicking and screaming into the role of Dear Abby
no this is absolutely not based on anything in my own job
TEXT OF COMIC:
Hey, everyone. Time for a new episode of the Youtube Channel that can Make Any Medication Name into a Song!
BUT, there's no song this time. Instead, I'm gonna respond to an email I got from a viewer!
She says: "Hey! Since you're the Girl who Knows Too Much about Medication, I was wondering if you could help me with a problem!
"I work in a pharmacy where we fill prescriptions in bottles, and heat-sealed blister packs, and day-by-day pill boxes. But for some reason, my coworker especially hates putting pills in the bottles. And she takes it out on me!
"When she's filling boxes or blister packs, we can chat like good friends. But the moment she starts filling pill bottles, she shuts down my attempts at conversation with short answers in a voice that barely conceals its anger.
"It's not my fault she hates bottles! How can I get her to stop being so cruel to me?"
"Sincerely, Bottle Bullied."
Dear Bullied:
First of all, what do I look like? Miss Memantine? An Aggrenox Aunt? I'm here to make puns on the names of medications-- not give you advice on how to talk to your coworkers while you dispense them.
BUT, since you asked, I'll give it a shot. Let's start with your observation that she seems to hate filling bottles. Now, what's so different between bottles and "heat-sealed blister packs" or "day-by-day pill boxes"?
Those both sound to me like the sort of thing where you just put a pill in each section until the thing is full. But with a bottle, you'd have to keep a mental count of how many pills you were putting in.
If your coworker objects to you talking to her during this process-- it is obviously because you Freaking Make Her Lose Count and Have To Start Over.
If she has not yet pointed this out to you, it's because she has rightly realized how OBVIOUS it is, and has concluded that you can't actually be unaware of it, and you must be deliberately trying to sabotage her work.
She doesn't know why you are doing this to her, but she's trying to endure it politely for the sake of your working relationship.
If this really was not your intention, and you really are that implausibly dense, don't bother telling her. There's no way she could believe that.
Just stop "attempting conversation" with someone who's clearly struggling to keep numbers in her head, and over time, she may accept your change of heart and forgive you.
Sincerely, Abby. Now can we get back to songs?
Do you maybe need some medication for your irritable mood?
Comic #1689
may 6 2017
MOUSEOVER TEXT: the neutering operation gave ma-dag-a-scar
I have a weakness for "use this word in a sentence" jokes. I admit it. It's kind of the whole basis of Abby's Youtube Channel that can Make Any Medication Name into a Song. I think both she and I realize how silly it is, but we just can't help liking it.
TEXT OF COMIC:
Okay, next word. "Madagascar."
I believe electric vehicles are superior to oil-powered ones in every way.
Sharon, that wasn't using the word in a sentence.
I'm not finished.
I always enter my home-built electric car in the annual car race, and I always win.
That sentence also did not include--
Except this year. This year one other driver came in ahead of me.
Sharon, this is a vocabulary lesson, not a creative writing class.
Now, I'm not mad I lost. I'm just Madagascar beat me.
*sigh*
Comic #1690
May 13 2017
MOUSEOVER TEXT: roosters that pee are called peecocks
The closest thing to a rooster that Abby interacts with regularly is Polyphemus the Starling, and perhaps she's extrapolating the pooping habits of roosters from that.
TEXT OF COMIC:
It's good to be back here at the dorm. That was a long class. I have to pee like a racehorse.
And I have to poop like a rooster.
A rooster?
Caca. Doodoo. Doo.
I am going to pretend I didn't hear that.
Comic #1691
May 14 2017
MOUSEOVER TEXT: like moths to a flame... or an oven
Starlings like to catch bugs in general. They could just as well be called buggers.
TEXT OF COMIC:
Are you doing something for Mother's Day?
Yup. I'm making cornbread for my pet starling.
Your bird isn't a mother.
Yes he is!
A cat that catches mice is a mouser. My bird catches moths, so logically he is a mother.
Are you putting moths in the cornbread?
Whoa! BEST IDEA EVER.
Comic #1692
May 20 2017
MOUSEOVER TEXT: didn't beandrip coffeepot play alan keurig in the percolation game
Is Norma saying that garlic butter coffee is a mistake only a machine would make? Or only a human?
TEXT OF COMIC:
Ha. My new favorite photo on the internet.
Do I dare ask?
A Keurig machine with a Papa John's garlic butter cup in it.
A ... What... where would the cup even go?
Um, duh. Same place the usual Keurig cups go.
Oh! You said Keurig. I thought you said "a Turing machine."
Oh, holy crap, that is even better. Hahahahaha. Keurig machines, breaking the Keurigma.
Does this coffee maker pass the Keurig test? Can you tell if the coffee was made by a person or a machine? Hahahaha.
If it tastes like garlic butter I'll know.
Comic #1693
May 21 2017
MOUSEOVER TEXT: I mix up the times of Memorial and Labor Day every year
We also frequently forget that it's about remembering people, and not about sales or cookouts.
TEXT OF COMIC:
I keep forgetting when Memorial Day is.
Me too. Is it soon?
I don't even know! Isn't this ironic?
Ironic?
Yeah, there's a day called "Memorial Day," dedicated to memories, all about remembering people, and what do we do? We forget it.
Almost as ironic as not working on Labor Day.
Comic #1694
May 27 2017
MOUSEOVER TEXT: are you medusa? because your looks make me hard as a rock
The only mythological figure who can be defeated by making him look at his own reflection is Narcissus.
TEXT OF COMIC:
Okay, so Medusa was so ugly that looking at her would turn you to stone.
So the story goes, I guess.
But, according to the story of how she was killed, looking at her REFLECTION would not turn you to stone.
How does that make sense? I mean, a reflection can have less brightness than the original, or duller colors, sometimes. But reduced ugliness? C'mon!
What? Of course it can. Have you ever compared your reflection in the mirror to a picture someone took of you? Reflections ALWAYS look less ugly.
Well... yeah, but only because you're looking straight at it, making eye contact, making an effort to see yourself looking pretty.
Which suggests that Medusa, despite her ugliness, was SO VAIN--
--that every time a reflective surface was anywhere nearby, she immediately stared at it and made the prettiest face she could--
--just pretty enough that her looks, from the angle seen in the reflection, were NOT QUITE awful enough to petrify.
Which also explains why a mirror couldn't be used to make her turn HERSELF to stone.
I'd always wondered why that wasn't the first solution they tried.
Comic #1695
May 28 2017
MOUSEOVER TEXT: do the snakes turn to stone if they look at her face?
Some snakes give live birth. (Because if they gave dead birth, they wouldn't be very good at reproducing.)
TEXT OF COMIC:
How did Medusa get snakes on her head, anyway?
It's not like snakes can merge with people's bodies. And they're not even the same species as any humanoid creature, so how could they be born attached to one?
Were they, like, deformed conjoined siblings that happened to resemble snakes? Or vaguely snake-like tentacles?
You are analyzing this too much. It's mythology.
Besides, snakes can be born all sorts of weird ways. They've even got parthenogenesis.
You mean like those lizards that give birth to clones of themselves?
Sometimes. Some snakes can clone themselves, but some others can even produce non-identical offspring without mating.
There are a lot of reptiles where the females can have male babies by themselves-- so that if a virgin female is stranded alone on an island or something, she can still repopulate the island by mating with her sons.
Wow.
So, when Samuel L. Jackson spoke of mother-effing snakes--
YES he may have meant it literally.
Comic #1696
June 3
2017
MOUSEOVER TEXT: what kind of bee is not helpful to plants? a zom bee
if you're too tired to move
then you can take this med
and it will make you walk
TEXT OF COMIC:
There's a zombie on your lawn!
It is a foe you'll need to kill!
And all your flowers want to help!
So why don't you armodafinil?
I respectfully decline, on the grounds that an armed daffodil would be even scarier than a zombie.
Thanks for listening, and be sure to subscribe to the YouTube Channel that can Make Any Medication Name into a Song! This episode brought to you by the prescription stimulant armodafinil, generic for Nuvigil!
Comic #1697
June 4 2017
MOUSEOVER TEXT: antibiotics should be controlled substances
Primroses do not have any known hallucinogenic properties, but they can be used to make wine.
Primroses do not have any known hallucinogenic properties, but they can be used to make wine.
TEXT OF COMIC:
Cute Plants-Versus-Zombies song, Abby.
But armodafinil is a pretty scary controlled substance. Maybe an armed daffodil might protect you from zombies, but armodafinil would probably turn you into one.
And face it, if plants could talk to you, they'd probably be the ones trying to get you hooked on drugs. Think of how many hallucinogenic substances come from plants.
Even a primrose?
Huh? Why a primrose?
Trimethoprim-rose says to me!
No thank you, I reply!
I'm talking to a flower;
I don't need to get more high!
This episode brought to you by the antibacterial drug trimethoprim, which, despite including "meth" in its name, is not a controlled substance!
See you again next time on the YouTube Channel that can Make Any Medication Name into a Song!
Comic #1698
June 10 2017
MOUSEOVER TEXT: It's basically just falling in love with a part of yourself. Totally something Abby would do.
the octopus, he's covered in tentacles
the shark vest man, he's covered in denticles
TEXT OF COMIC:
(characters in Abby's stick figure drawing)
Is that a vest made of shark skin?
Sure is.
Why are you wearing it?
Because every girl's crazy about a shark vest man.
I think the line is actually "a sharp-dressed man."
Shark skin is covered with thousands of tiny shark teeth. How much more sharp-dressed can you get?
A valid point.
(hearts)
Have you ever fallen in love with a fictional character that you created?
No.
Comic #1699
June 11 2017
MOUSEOVER TEXT: or ravioli
Ziti are actually named after bridegrooms. I'm sure I could make some dirty joke about that, but frankly the information leaves me more confused than amused.
TEXT OF COMIC:
Mmm, pasta Alfredo. What kind of noodles are those?
Zit noodles.
You mean "ziti"?
What I said. Italian pasta is often named after things it visually resembles.
Radiatori is named after radiators, penne is named after pens, and ziti is named after zits.
No it's not.
See how they fill up with the Alfredo sauce, and you can squeeze it out the tips?
If Italian chefs were going to name something after zits, they would have picked ricotta-stuffed shells.
Comic #1700
June 17 2017
MOUSEOVER TEXT: five second rule! (slurps 2 gallons of different flavored ice cream off the floor in 5 seconds)
Even better: this one stacks together with tomorrow's strip, which is 1701 (as in the license plate of the freakin' Enterprise)!
(Edited to add: OK, yes, I'm actually posting this on June 22nd and backdating it. It was SUPPOSED to post on June 17th, but I have had the month from hell, or perhaps from some less torturous but even more chaotic realm. Sorry.)
TEXT OF COMIC:
What is it with us and stacking celebrations?
Stacking what?
Remember when strip 600 posted on the winter solstice, and strip 1000 posted on the 4th of July?
Oh! And strip 1213 posted on October 14, forming the perfect sequence.
Exactly! And don't forget strip 1067 was the real 1000th strip, because of those repeats and stuff early on, and it happened right after 1066, which was--
The Norma Conquest. Yes. I remember.
Were there others?
Maybe. I know there were some near misses. 300 was three days before Halloween, 400 was one day before St. Patrick's Day, 1234 was four days after Christmas, and 1337 was three days before Christmas.
Those don't count, close as they were.
And ANYWAY, now here we are, making strip number 1700, on June 17th in 2017.
Love all the sevens! The only way it could be luckier is if it were March 17th.
June is better. It's our creator's birth month.
So, happy June 17th! Enjoy your ice cream.
I think ice cream for a stacking celebration should be, like, a really tall stack of ice cream. Like one of those cartoonishly tall multi-scoop cones.
Those always fall on the floor.
Comic #1701
June 18 2017
MOUSEOVER TEXT: On a $1 glass of orange juice, a nickel would be a 5% tip... pretty bad but not as bad as I had thought
And then she felt bad about her lousy tip and glued a dollar bill next to it, and said it was Bar Nickel Bill, and THAT was when she got kicked out.
TEXT OF COMIC:
What did you do last night?
Got kicked out of a bar.
No you didn't.
Totally did.
I am unable to imagine you doing any of the things that get people kicked out of bars, or even being in a bar in the first place.
I bought an orange juice.
Okay, that might get you some disdainful looks, in a bar, but it wouldn't--
And for the tip, I left a nickel.
Well, that's a horrible tip, but still--
And when the bartender went to pick it up, he couldn't, because I had super glued it to the bar.
And he said, "It's stuck!" and I said, "Yeah, it's stuck like a BAR NICKEL."
...and then I'm like, "it's a pun on 'barnacle'? You get it, right? I came all the way here just to make that joke. Please laugh?"
And then he felt sorry for me and bought me a whiskey and I got drunk and beat him up.
Okay, NOW you're messing with me.
Comic #1702
June 24 2017
MOUSEOVER TEXT: look ma, no dominant hands
mirror universe through the actual mirror, where everyone's handedness is reversed
TEXT OF COMIC:
You're right-handed, right?
Mostly.
Are there any things you do with your left hand?
I cycle left-handed.
Cycle?
You know. Cycling. Riding a bicycle. I do that mostly with my left hand.
I though you did it with your feet.
Ha ha.
But I do have to hold onto the handlebar with at least one hand. And my left one works better for that. It's harder to ride with only my right hand on the bar.
Wonder why that is.
Weirdly, I think it's BECAUSE I do most other things with my right hand.
I've gotten more experience riding with my left hand because I'm more likely to want my right hand free for other things, like adjusting my helmet, scratching my nose, whatever.
Which I guess means that your left-hand dominance on the bike is learned, rather than inherent. In an alternate reality where you never had to scratch your nose or adjust your helmet, you'd probably be right-handed on your bike too.
Why do the alternate realities you talk about always sound better than this one?
Comic #1703
June 25 2017
MOUSEOVER TEXT: depending on who you ask, using blond dye is either trans-blondness or blondular appropriation
Cathy, for what it's worth, believes that all blondes are dumb and are therefore superior to everyone else, because intelligence is a useless waste of mental resources.
TEXT OF COMIC:
Ugh. Cathy was annoying again today. I swear, people like her are the reason for the "dumb blonde" stereotype.
Abby, I'm sorry, but I find that kind of offensive. I don't think the "dumb blonde" stereotype is the fault of any blondes. It's spread by men, and the movie industry, and--
Ooh. Sorry. I keep forgetting I shouldn't make statements about the rights of groups I don't belong to. I have to learn to stay in my lane.
Well... no, because if you actually stay in your lane, you're being a bad ally. If you're silent in cases of oppression, you're taking the side of the oppressor.
Okay, so what's the right way for me to say something?
You have to listen to the group you want to support, and just help spread THEIR words.
Okay, but what if the group I want to support is NOT a monolithic block, and happens to have different opinions within it? What if there's like a 50/50 split? Which side's opinions should I help spread?
You use your ability to reason, and you figure out which opinion is actually beneficial to the rights of the group.
Yeah, but each side has arguments for why their way is better for their group, and, as someone who does not belong to the group, my sense of reason is inherently less qualified to choose a side than either of them.
Just try your best.
And no matter what I do, half of the group I'm trying to support will hate me and call me oppressive.
It's what you get for not being born blonde.
Comic #1704
July 1 2017
MOUSEOVER TEXT: still, it's not QUITE as much like slavery as childhood is
Okay, one difference: there is at least a theoretical possibility that you could move into a better job with less painful work and more substantial pay. But in practice, it is rarer than they'd like you to think.
And all other differences are just differences of degree (amount of work expected of you; amount of cruelty inflicted on you) and would not be true for all randomly selected pairs of bosses and slave-masters.
TEXT OF COMIC:
Today I will explain the differences between slavery and a minimum-wage job.
Slavery: You are forced into it by someone choosing to keep you captive.
Minimum-wage job: You are forced into it by the need to make money to survive.
Slavery: It pays you only in food and lodging.
Minimum-wage job: It pays you in money, but only enough for food and lodging.
Slavery: Is primarily inflicted on people who are deemed to be of an inferior race.
Minimum-wage job: Is also disproportionately inflicted on racial minorities, despite laws that try to control discrimination, because those laws are nearly impossible to enforce and the prejudice that causes them to be broken is still very widespread.
Slavery: If you try to leave, you will either be killed, or be forced back into the same sort of labor.
Minimum-wage job: If you leave, you will either die of starvation and exposure, or be forced back into the same sort of labor for another company.
Slavery: You can be sold by one owner and bought by another.
Minimum-wage job: You are still treated like an object, but an unsellable one that can only be thrown away by one boss and picked up by another. The next one will be less likely to pick you up if he knows you were thrown away, so there is less guarantee of continued employment than with slavery.
Slavery: Your owner can cause you physical pain, or even kill you, as punishment for disobeying.
Minimum-wage job: Your boss can regularly require you to do tasks that cause you physical pain, and can kill you if you disobey (by firing you, and thus depriving you of your source of food and shelter).
These aren't exactly DIFFERENCES.
I'm sorry! I couldn't find any!
Comic #1705
July 2 2017
MOUSEOVER TEXT: crabby abby
Abby is wrong in one part of this. There is not actually any proof that crabs and lobsters don't feel pain... in fact, studies have shown that they can be trained to avoid certain locations in their tanks by repeatedly giving them electric shocks there.
That suggests they do experience something that causes them to dislike the things we typically think of as painful. So, even if it isn't pain in the way we understand it, you'd still be doing something to the crabs that, given the choice, they would prefer to avoid.
But would they fear it more than they fear death? Probably not. It could still be more humane than the boiling-them-to-death option.
TEXT OF COMIC:
Oh WOW. I just realized something.
Hmm?
Crabs can regenerate their limbs if they lose them.
So?
So, you could keep one crab in a tank, and eat its legs over and over again!
Hmm. Not cost-effective, on a small scale. Maintaining a salt-water aquarium is expensive, and legs don't grow that fast.
Okay, so keep a bunch of them. Enough per tank to be worth it. As an industry, it would totally be cheaper and more eco-friendly than fishing.
And, since crabs don't feel pain, but do have a survival instinct, removing their legs is much less cruel than boiling them to death.
But I think the legs grow back smaller than they originally were.
So, after each crab has given its legs up for food a few times, you sell it as an exotic mini-pet. The Teacup Crab!
I am not sure there will be enough of a market for that.
Comic #1706
July 8 2017
MOUSEOVER TEXT: All misanthropy felt by humans is internalized misanthropy.
the most confusing is if you call him your baby daddy
TEXT OF COMIC:
Okay, I do kind of understand the widespread distaste for the idea of calling your romantic partner "daddy."
I really don't see the appeal of using terms that suggest that you're a child who's sexually attracted to your parent.
But what I don't understand is why we don't see a lot of similar resistance against the idea of calling your romantic partner "baby."
Is it so much more acceptable to use terms that suggest you're a PARENT sexually attracted to your CHILD?
Well, I think, with the word "baby," people's minds are able to separate it from the sexual element, and just think of it as comparing your loved one to something cute.
Like "honey" or "sweetie pie"... you're not saying you're sexually attracted to actual pies or honey.
I suppose my difficulty is that I can't imagine seeing babies as anything except vomit-inducingly hideous.
But then, that's also how I feel about parents.
How do you deal with the fact that you are a human, when you hate all humans so much?
I don't deal with it. I wallow in internalized misanthropy.
Comic #1707
July 9 2017
MOUSEOVER TEXT: what's left? I guess 'darling,' 'love,' and 'snookums.'
Of course, insults aren't any better, in terms of being complimentary to the recipient, or your relationship therewith. But at least they're not falsely pretending to be.
TEXT OF COMIC:
Okay, I still don't understand calling your lover either "daddy" or "baby." But for what it's worth, I'm not a fan of food-based endearments like "honey" and "sweetie pie," either.
Or, for that matter, "honey-bunny," "teddy-bear" or any of the other animal-related ones.
OR the ones like "precious" or "treasure" that indicate your loved one is an object with monetary value, of which you are the owner.
Basically, I have no use for any endearments that compare the relationship to pedophilia, bestiality, slavery or cannibalism. Which is practically all of them.
So THAT'S why you just call everyone insults instead.
Or maybe that's just because I hate everyone.
Comic #1708
July 15 2017
MOUSEOVER TEXT: a true god would be efficient enough to accomplish both salvation and perdition with one afterlife
I guess this model presupposes that salvation is not through either faith or good works, but through inner goodness: If you enjoy doing bad things, but choose to do good things instead, that doesn't make you good enough; your inner desires themselves have to be good. (Which means you actually have no control over whether you are rewarded or punished, since people don't choose their desires.)
Also, it does reward people who enjoy being good but choose to do bad things instead. I don't think I know anyone like that, though.
(Except maybe some religious people who want to be good but choose to do terrible things they don't really like doing, because their religion tricked them into thinking those were good things.)
TEXT OF COMIC:
What if there isn't a heaven and a hell?
I didn't think you believed in either of those.
I don't. But what if there is an afterlife, and it's only ONE afterlife?
Like, what if it's this sort of morally perfect place, where you always have to spend all your time doing good, virtuous things? Like, you HAVE to, there is literally no other option.
And for people who deserve to go to heaven, that is heaven. And for people who deserve to go to hell, that is hell.
Wow. How efficient.
Comic #1709
July 16 2017
MOUSEOVER TEXT: buck had some bats in his belfry... or his bell-free
Sometimes I think I'm reading too much Dinosaur Comics, and then I remind myself that "too much Dinosaur Comics" is not a real thing
TEXT OF COMIC:
A great detective was investigating a mystery. The Liberty Bell had been stolen!
Or should I say "liberated"?
It had been replaced with a replica, which took authorities a while to notice... since the replica looked just like the object it replaced, another cracked and defunct bell.
You could even say it was a dead ringer.
Dear lord.
The prime suspect was local loony Buck Norris... who claimed direct descendence from Isaac Norris, original commissioner of the Liberty Bell... and who had been known to go on public rants about how this made him Isaac's true heir and therefore the bell's rightful owner.
In search of clues, the detective explored the scene of the crime, and found--
If you say "fresh prints of bell heir," I am seriously going to--
FRESH PRINTS OF BELL HEIR.
Comic #1710
July 22 2017
MOUSEOVER TEXT: i never mettaton i didn't like
"It's not Overwatch, it's Undertale" reminds me of the Garfield quote "I'm not overweight, I'm undertall."
TEXT OF COMIC:
Are you seeing as many Overwatch fans on your Tumblr dash as I am?
Oh yes. I've "mettaton" of them.
... Mettaton is a character in Undertale, not Overwatch.
Argh! They sound so much alike!
No they don't. "Over" is the OPPOSITE of "under."
I knew you tend to confuse left and right. I didn't know you could have the same problem with the directions that GRAVITY is constantly reminding you of.
Hey! Lots of people get those two mixed down!
Comic #1711
July 23 2017
MOUSEOVER TEXT: he also made teenage girls sleep in bed with him to test his vow of chastity. so, not only so nonviolent that he became violent, but ALSO so celibate that he became a creepy predator.
metaphors can be accidental
TEXT OF COMIC:
In an old version of the video game Civilization, each simulated world leader had an aggressiveness level that could go up or down during the game.
But, because of the way the game handled math, that scale was kind of circular. If an aggressiveness level dropped below the minimum possible level, it looped around to the MAXIMUM possible level.
So, if you took the in-game version of Mahatma Gandhi, whose aggressiveness level was already as low as it could be, and you did something to make him even LESS aggressive-- the opposite would happen, and he would suddenly start threatening you with nuclear weapons.
But the weirdest part? That whole concept-- being so non-violent that one becomes violent-- is kind of how Gandhi was in REAL LIFE.
He was so committed to not fighting, he called Hitler his friend, campaigned against going to war with the Nazis, and said that their millions of victims in concentration camps should just peacefully let themselves be killed and become martyrs.
Basically, he was so nonviolent that he made choices that had the same sort of effect that violence can have.
So you're saying, Nuclear Gandhi was not actually a glitch, but a politically incisive metaphor?
Why couldn't it be both?
Comic #1712
July 29 2017
MOUSEOVER TEXT: get with the times, spellchecker that doesn't know the word reblogging
TEXT OF COMIC:
Wow, look at this picture of Bill Nye looking like he's about to drop the hottest album of the year. Or at least that's what somebody captioned it.
Whoa-- is he SMOKING? Bill Nye would never smoke!
That had better be a pipette in his hand, and not a cigarette!
I'm reblogging it and adding a survey.
If Bill Nye smoked, what would he smoke?
a. Cigars
b. Cigarettes
c. Pipes
d. Pipettes
Bill Nye would invent chemicals to smoke that no one has ever thought of before.
Comic #1713
July 30 2017
MOUSEOVER TEXT: So did I.
this is what happens when I almost run out of puns
TEXT OF COMIC:
So this guy is touring the Baseball Hall of Fame.
And he keeps asking, "Where's Edgar Allan Poe?"
And the tour guide says, "Dude, Edgar Allan Poe didn't even play baseball.
"This is the Baseball Hall of Fame. This ain't no hall of Edgar."
What?
It's a pun.
You know, like the song. "It ain't no hall of Ed-garrr."
The line is "ain't no hollaback girl."
Um, yes, but a pun is defined as a play on two vocalizations that SOUND SIMILAR.
Do they, though? Really?
Similar enough that I misheard it for about ten years.
You are so weird.
Comic #1714
August 5 2017
MOUSEOVER TEXT: misophonia has the same root word as misogyny, misandry and misanthropy. it is a form of hatred and is therefore not protected by any law.
I have the same problem Abby has, and yes, Norma's solution probably would work.
TEXT OF COMIC:
Stop chewing with your mouth open. That noise drives me crazy.
Then you have misophonia. It's a recognized psychological disorder. Get help.
Um, that just means that you are REQUIRED by the Americans with Disabilities Act to ACCOMMODATE my disorder by closing your frigging mouth.
No, see, I have this disorder where the inside of my mouth doesn't have enough room, and I bite my tongue or cheek if I chew with it closed.
That disorder would probably go away if you learned to chew slowly.
Comic #1715
August 6 2017
MOUSEOVER TEXT: Abby can't provide real information anyway, because her day job is in a bookstore and that would be breaking her non-compete agreement.
Since I work in a pharmacy and not in a bookstore like Abby does, this sort of pharmaceutical Dear Abby is my way of working in thoughts that surface in my own job. Don't know how many of these I'll do, but it seems to work for now.
TEXT OF COMIC:
Welcome to the YouTube Channel that can Make any Medication Name into a Song!
And since you guys cannot seem to get it through your heads that this channel is about songs, and not about medication advice... here's another letter I got from someone in a pharmacy.
"Dear Girl who Knows Too Much about Medication:
"I need your help! I work in a pharmacy and I have a non-compete agreement which says I can't work for any competitor while I'm here.
"But I don't make enough money, and I need to get a second job. What counts as a competitor?"
Well, a competitor is any business that a customer might use as an alternative to the pharmacy where you work.
So, obviously, you can't get a second job at another pharmacy.
And you can't make your own herbal remedies and sell them, because someone might choose them over medicine from the pharmacy you work at.
Wait, what?
And you can't make jewelry to sell, because someone might buy it instead of seeking medical care, since some people believe gemstones have healing powers.
Abby...
And you can't work in a morgue or funeral home, because people might decide to die instead of taking medicine--
Abby!
Do you really want to spread misinformation like that?
Hey, if it discourages people asking me for advice.
Comic #1716
August 12 2017
Apparently, in real life, "chondroitin" just means "cartilage substance" and "hypochondria" means "under the cartilage (of the sternum)," because the ancient Greeks thought that was where morbid feelings came from.
TEXT OF COMIC:
My joints still ache.
I keep telling you, you carry too many books at once.
I need glucosamine-chondroitin supplements.
You KNOW those don't work.
They worked for me once.
Either coincidence, or your ailment was hypochondria in the first place.
Yes, because hypochondria LITERALLY MEANS deficiency of chondroitin!
No it doesn't.
Comic #1717
August 13 2017
MOUSEOVER TEXT: but now that you asked, seriously, it's 2017, where the hell are my tentacles
we're heading toward the politics of Daleks.
(daletiks.)
TEXT OF COMIC:
It's supposed to be the future. Why don't we have mechs?
Mechs?
Yes. Giant robotic exoskeletons, far bigger than our bodies, that we pilot from inside, giving our otherwise fragile organic forms the power of near-invincible armor and devastating weaponry.
So basically, you're wondering why we're not Daleks yet?
Hey, the fact that my fragile organic form doesn't have tentacles is a whole different complaint.
Comic #1718
August 19 2017
MOUSEOVER TEXT: Should have done that instead. There is a global need for more honeybees. There is no global need for more comb-and-tissue-paper players.
oh what can it mean
you hum in honeycombs,
you're a comb-humming queen
TEXT OF COMIC:
I learned that if you hum through a comb and tissue paper, you can make music like a kazoo!
Why would you want to make music like a kazoo?
I'm really good at it already! Listen!
Wow, that actually is impressive.
I'm the comb-humming queen.
You took actual comb-and-tissue-paper-playing lessons just to make that joke.
It was either that or transform myself into a honeybee.
Comic #1719
August 20 2017
MOUSEOVER TEXT: quite formidable
Formic acid is ant acid, Formica is mica made from ants, and the ants' search for us is the Formi paradox.
TEXT OF COMIC:
Wow, my chest feels weird after eating that.
Is it heartburn? Do you need an antacid?
Nah. I don't think spraying formic acid into my esophagus would soothe the burn at all.
Antacid, not ANT ACID.
Unfortunately, spaces between words are silent.
MOUSEOVER TEXT: quite formidable