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Abby and Norma
from 2009
Comic #348
January 1 2009
MOUSEOVER TEXT: Perhaps this is the role of machines in human life.
Or maybe we'd evolve so that obesity didn't hurt us, and we'd develop enough mindless worker limbs that we didn't need to move around on our own. Isn't that what the ants did?
TEXT OF COMIC:
I wonder how ants evolved so that most of them are workers.
I mean, evolution is supposed to make animals strive toward their own survival and reproduction. But worker ants don't reproduce, and they put the queen's survival before their own.
That's because the queen is the one who evolves.
From an evolutionary perspective, it's beneficial for the queen to be able to give birth not only to others like herself, but also to some extra offspring unlike herself, who live only to provide food and shelter for her.
Evolutionarily, the worker ants aren't really organisms in their own right. It's more like the queen was evolving extra limbs, that weren't attached to her body and that she didn't directly control, but that instinctively knew what kinds of things made her happy, and would go do those things for her.
I wish I had a disembodied hand that would go to the store and buy me Godiva chocolates.
If humans had that, we'd succumb to obesity and muscle atrophy within a few millennia.
Comic #349
January 2 2009
MOUSEOVER TEXT: My trains travel on a special circular Track of Thought. There is no outlet.
This is kind of like the invention of the sundial, followed by the mechanical clock, followed by the battery-powered clock, followed by the solar-powered clock. A new, complicated way of getting the same result.
Of course, it's a little better, since a solar-powered clock can store up energy to use when there isn't sun, whereas a sundial only works when the sun is out. Likewise, a fan that recharges its battery when you shake it can give you a period of time when it's working without being shaken, unlike a folding silk fan that you have to shake constantly.
TEXT OF COMIC:
Last summer I kept getting so hot that I went to this little trinket shop and bought myself a silk folding fan with a picture painted on it. I fanned myself until my wrist hurt.
And I started thinking, it would be a lot easier if I had a fan with batteries.
But then I thought, what if the batteries died? And then I said to myself, maybe I'll find one that I can recharge by shaking it.
But then I realized, if I was going to be shaking the fan to make it work, I might as well just keep the one I had.
Have you ever had trains of thought go in circles like that?
Your trains of thought go in circles so bad that they crash into their own cabooses.
Comic #350
January 5 2009
MOUSEOVER TEXT: Yessssss. Sssssspiraclessssss.
"His whisper resembled the noise made by a cockroach forcing air out through its breathing spiracles, which is not a hiss, since it contains no S sounds."
TEXT OF COMIC:
I wrote a short story for English 311. The prof gave it an okay grade, but commented that I can't say a character "hissed" his words unless the words had S's in them.
I disagree with that. A hiss isn't necessarily an S sound. Come on. When you say someone "hisses," you're comparing him to an animal, right? Like a snake, or a cat, or, like, a Madagascar hissing cockroach or something. And none of those animals even have the mouthparts to make an S sound.
A cat hisses in the back of his throat. That's nothing like an S-- it's more like the German pronunciation of "ch." And who knows how snakes and cockroaches hiss-- but they can't be making an S sound, because they don't even have teeth like ours.
When you say a character "hissed," you're saying he was talking in a threatening, whispery voice that REMINDS you of the hiss of an angry cat or snake. It's a great metaphor, that illustrates both the sound of the whisper and the threatening quality of what the person was saying.
But that metaphor's been ruined, because every time someone reads it, they think of their stupid English teacher feeding them crap about how a hiss has to involve an S. Now we need a new metaphor for someone threatening you in a whisper.
"His voice became a leaky bike tire, warning of a painful wipeout on the road ahead."
Eww.
Comic #351
January 6 2009
MOUSEOVER TEXT: Workfulness is no work if it can't use.
The slow light material is called a Hau cell, and could be useful for computing. I once saw an article that stated that it slowed light down to less than three meters per second. Interestingly, it disagrees with the Wikipedia article, which currently states a different speed for light through the material: 17 meters per second, which is faster than a person could walk.
Wikipedia also mentions the idea of making light go faster to increase our potential traveling speed. That is a downright weird idea, but fascinating.
TEXT OF COMIC:
There's one theory that says that if we want to travel faster than light, we could maybe somehow make light itself go a lot faster-- and then we could go faster than the CURRENT speed of light, without breaking the laws of physics that keep us from going faster than light speed.
But I don't think that's plausible. I think the most workable way to travel faster than light isn't to speed light up-- it's to slow it down.
They've already done that, in fact. Someone invented a material that when light goes through it, it goes so slow you can walk faster than it.
So I don't know why people are theorizing unlikely plans to go slower than a much faster speed of light, when we can already ACTUALLY go faster than the speed of light on our own two feet.
Um... maybe because going faster than the speed of light through some special slow-down material isn't really all that useful.
Usefulness is no use if it can't work.
Comic #352
January 7 2009
MOUSEOVER TEXT: ...I thought if I worded the request like that, it'd be more attractive to you...
If I wrote a check for $1,000,000.00 to a friend, and he wrote me a check for $1,000,000.80 in return, would the end result be a credit of $0.80 to my account? Or would it be totally screwed up by the fact that neither account actually has that much money in it?
TEXT OF COMIC:
Do you want a million dollars, Abby?
Of course, Karen. We'd all love to have a million dollars.
I'll sell you a million dollars.
You'll SELL me a million dollars. How much will it cost?
A million dollars and eighty cents.
So basically you're asking me to give you eighty cents.
Please? The vending machine at the drugstore has a new kind of Nerds candy.
Comic #353
January 8 2009
MOUSEOVER TEXT: Women are from Vulcan, men are from Qo'NoS?
The lure of making generalizations about people is that most of them are based on a grain of truth, and so if you rely on stereotypes you've got a slightly better chance of guessing correctly about people than if you just guess randomly. This leads people to think that it's okay to guess based on stereotypes, instead of actually getting to know someone without guessing first.
TEXT OF COMIC:
Why do men hide their emotions?
Oh, men and women both hide their emotions. They just don't hide the SAME emotions.
Women are taught to hide emotions that could cause social conflicts, and men are taught to hide emotions that could make them look weak.
Men are totally okay with showing anger, but they hide feelings of fear and dependence on others. Women are perfectly willing to show that they're afraid and that they need other people, but they pretend to be nice even when they feel like punching someone.
At least, that's the stereotype.
Sure doesn't apply to Cathy.
Comic #354
January 9 2009
MOUSEOVER TEXT: Cathy is too often wasted.
I find it very odd to say that a sexy guy would somehow be "wasted" on a man. Surely men are at least as capable of appreciating sexiness as women are.
TEXT OF COMIC:
Joel from economics class is dating Bryan from sociology. I can't believe he's gay! Joel is the hottest guy at this school. What a waste.
Why is it a waste?
Because he was a steaming hot guy, and now he's lost to women forever!
But he isn't lost to men. Men deserve an attractive partner just as much as women do, you know.
No they don't.
Would you have the same reaction if an attractive WOMAN were lost to women forever? If I told you that I was completely heterosexual and no woman could ever have me, would you say THAT was a waste?
Abby, if you fell into a trash compactor it wouldn't be a waste.
Comic #355
January 12 2009
MOUSEOVER TEXT: Rugby football played with a bald Furby instead of a ball. THAT would be sad.
Actually, a bald Furby would be pretty funny. Almost as funny as the Furby I got secondhand for three dollars that lost its voice and then lapsed into paralysis.
TEXT OF COMIC:
You know what's one of the saddest things I can think of? A Furby that lost all its fur and had to wear a rug.
I mean, then it couldn't even be called a Furby anymore. It would have to be called a Rugby.
Wait, are you using "rug" as a slang term for a toupee, or do you mean the Furby would wear an actual rug if it lost its fur?
I hadn't thought about that distinction.
Because if it did, I'm not sure anyone would even notice the difference.
Comic #356
January 13 2009
MOUSEOVER TEXT: The most annoying actions are the ones you can't criticize 'cause you do them too.
At least Abby doesn't work in a stockroom like I do. The worst are people who suddenly run in front of you and stop, while you're pushing a cart that weighs several hundred pounds.
TEXT OF COMIC:
I hate walking from class to class through crowded hallways.
Half the time I'm in a hurry and I want to walk fast, and half the time I'm tired and I want to walk slow, but the crowd forces me to move the same speed it's moving.
I hate people who walk slow in front of me when I want to walk fast. And I hate people who walk fast behind me when I want to walk slow. They make me so mad I can't stand it.
Um, you do realize that the fact that you're mad at both those kinds of people means you ARE both those kinds of people, right?
Yes, and that's what frustrates me most of all.
Comic #357
January 14 2009
MOUSEOVER TEXT: We must construct additional Cylons.
Since Cylons' backbones glow when they are making love, the "Cylon detector" should totally just be some kind of sex toy.
Or maybe a hardworking Galactica officer who goes out seeking romantic liaisons with suspected Cylons. What a fun job that would be.
TEXT OF COMIC:
You know how in Battlestar Galactica, they always call the Cylons "toasters?" I think they should call the Cylon fighter ships "flying toasters."
You know, like the old Flying Toasters screensaver.
Man, I wish I had that software for ripping scenes from DVDs. I would totally make a music video of the Flying Toasters theme song from the screensaver, with scenes of Cylon space battles. It would go viral on Youtube.
I doubt it. If it's actually true that there was a Flying Toasters theme song, I'm sure you are the only person on Earth who remembers it.
"Flying out of the sun!
The smell of toast is in the air!
When there's a job to be done,
The Flying Toasters will be there!"
Comic #358
January 15 2009
MOUSEOVER TEXT: on miiiiighty tooooaaaaaster wiiiiiiiings!
Flapping wings would be useless in outer space.
TEXT OF COMIC:
My music video of the Flying Toasters song with Cylon battle scenes would be awesome. I already know what most of the scenes would be.
"Flying out of the sun" could be any battle that takes place near a star. When it says "The smell of toast is in the air," I'd have a scene of a Cylon fighter zapping a human fighter and frying it to a crisp.
The verse where it says "Flying Toasters set a spark, and hope is blazing 'cross the land!" could be the scene where the Cylons nuke the planet Caprica. "Gleaming angels of love" could show that Cylon who was Baltar's girlfriend, in one of the scenes where she looks all glowy and angelic and talks about doing God's will.
You seriously need something better to do with your time.
The "Flap! Flap! Flap!" line would be hard to match. Cylon fighters don't have flapping wings.
Comic #359
January 16 2009
MOUSEOVER TEXT: I picture time the way Norma does. It does make gestures confusing.
There are no universal human traits beyond the most basic biology. Whatever you say about humans' minds, someone somewhere is an exception.
The Aymara people to whom Abby refers are one of my favorite examples of different ways of thinking that are equally valid. Another one is Shakespeare in the Bush.
TEXT OF COMIC:
Have you heard of that South American culture where people visualize time backwards?
Huh?
When they think of time in a visual way, they picture the past in front of them and the future behind them. Most other cultures do the opposite. But that way makes just as much sense-- you can see the past, but you can't see the future.
How did people figure out that this culture visualized time that way?
Well, it's in their language. They use words meaning "front" to refer to the past, and words meaning "back" to refer to the future.
But that by itself wouldn't have been proof. English does that too. Like the word "before"-- it can mean either "in front of" or "earlier." What really proved it was that people in that culture gesture behind them when talking about the future, and in front of them when talking about the past.
In any case, it was a real wake-up call. Before anthropologists discovered that culture, they thought that it was a universal human trait to visualize the past behind you.
I guess people will eventually learn that there are no universal human traits.
When I visualize time, I picture a time line in front of me, with the past on my left and the future on my right. It really confuses people who are facing me when I gesture.
Comic #360
January 19 2009
MOUSEOVER TEXT: And when you're autistic, no one thinks the same way you do.
It's pretty pointless that both lights would be red at the same time in the first place... but that's how it is sometimes, at least where I live. And sometimes, of course, one light is red and the other one is green but still says "Don't Walk," because you didn't press the stupid button in time.
TEXT OF COMIC:
I hate pedestrians.
Excuse me?
They don't give you any sign of what they're going to do.
Like that one up there at that intersection. He's standing on the corner, you'd think he was waiting for one of the lights to change-- except he's not facing either one.
He's facing the corner that's diagonally across from him, and he's just GLANCING back and forth between the lights on the two other corners. I have no way of knowing which way he's going to cross.
Mom, that's because he doesn't know either.
You've really never walked anywhere in your life, have you? When you're on a corner and you want to get to the corner that's diagonally opposite you, you push the buttons for both the lights, and cross at whichever one changes first.
That... That makes sense, actually. How did you know that?
Because I've experienced it a zillion times, Mom. I don't drive. I walk everywhere I go. You, on the other hand, drive everywhere you go, so you had no clue.
But you're autistic! Autistics can't imagine another person's thoughts! Autistics don't have theory of mind!
Bull. NO ONE has theory of mind, except regarding people who think the same way they do.
Comic #361
January 20 2009
MOUSEOVER TEXT: Kara Thrace! Flying ace! Blast 'em out of outer spaaaace!
You know you've been watching too much Battlestar Galactica when jump-rope rhymes based on it start popping into your head.
TEXT OF COMIC:
Kara Thrace!
Flying ace!
Hit those Cylons in the face!
How many times did she hit 'em?
One, two, three, four...
You two have been spending too much time with Abby again.
Comic #362
January 21 2009
MOUSEOVER TEXT: Do any of you even remember slap bracelets?
So was I.
TEXT OF COMIC:
I only like things when they aren't popular.
In grade school, I didn't start wearing slap bracelets until they were completely out of style. And I liked the Ninja Turtles right up until they started being enough of a franchise to have action figures.
I'm such a fraud. I say I don't care what other people think of me, but really I'm obsessed with it. I actually give up things I like because I don't want to be seen as normal.
Well, if it's any consolation, I've never before met anyone else who actively tries to keep up her image as a weirdo.
When all the other teenage girls were lusting after Leonardo di Caprio, I was rearranging the letters in "Leonardo di Caprio" to spell "Crap, I adore no idol."
Comic #363
January 22 2009
MOUSEOVER TEXT: Is it an abbreviation? Oh, monkey excrement! Oh, moa eggs! Oh, meat eaters!
Abby is in the habit of saying things she imagines God would say.
TEXT OF COMIC:
Cathy just dumped her latest boyfriend and started dating his best friend.
Oh, me.
Is that all you have to say? "Oh, me?" That's the kind of thing an eighty-year-old lady would say.
If she was actually bored, but wanted to look like she was surprised.
Actually, I was thinking it was something God would say if he didn't want to take his own name in vain.
Comic #364
January 23 2009
MOUSEOVER TEXT: respondez-vous sil vous plait!
The trouble is that you don't seem as polite if you leave off the "please," because nobody knows it's already there.
TEXT OF COMIC:
I can't stand invitations that say "Please RSVP."
The abbreviation "RSVP" stands for the French phrase meaning "respond please." So you don't have to put "please" before it. It's as redundant as saying "PIN number" or "ATM machine."
Lord. I can't see why anybody ever comes to your parties.
You're not missing anything that you could appreciate anyway.
Comic #365
January 26 2009
MOUSEOVER TEXT: are female werewolves called wifwolves?
Whether "woman" is actually a sexist word depends on the origin of "wif." What did it mean before it meant "female"? If it comes from a word meaning "weave," then it is potentially reinforcing stereotypes about traditional gender roles. It's possible, however, that it refers to female private parts. All the resources I've found say the etymology is "uncertain."
TEXT OF COMIC:
You know how the word "woman" was originally "wif-mann," from "wif" meaning "female" and "mann" meaning "person"?
Yeah, that's the explanation that's always given in response to people who say that "woman" is a sexist word.
But what that explanation really means is that "man" is a sexist word!
I mean, come on, we're using a word that originally meant "person" to talk about males. As if "male" and "person" were synonyms! Our use of the word "man" suggests that women aren't people!
So what do you propose as an alternative? Do we go back to using the old word "were" as the male counterpart to "wif"?
That would be confusing.
I can imagine men talking about it. "We're were. Or at least we were."
Comic #366
January 27 2009
MOUSEOVER TEXT: You can clear it up a little by using 'Ehemann' and 'Ehefrau.'
But since "wife" probably comes from "wif," maybe "wife" is already a synonym for "woman."
TEXT OF COMIC:
You know, it's weird how we say "man and wife," but we never say "woman and husband."
It's like "man" can be used as a synonym for "husband," but "woman" can't be used as a synonym for "wife."
That is kind of weird. In Spanish, it's the opposite. "Mujer" can be used as a synonym for "esposa," but "hombre" can't be used as a synonym for "esposo."
And in German, the words for "husband" and "wife" are the same as the words for "man" and "woman." You always use the same words for those concepts.
Which can get confusing, since that means there's no way to say "my man" or "my woman" without implying that you're married to the person in question.
I wish I lived in Germany. I hate it when people say "my man" or "my woman."
Well, in Germany, married people say it all the time.
Comic #367
January 28 2009
MOUSEOVER TEXT: Toiletrines: half toilet, half latrine.
They only look simple because you don't grasp the full complexity of Playing With Words.
TEXT OF COMIC:
You know what word amuses the heck out of me?
"Toiletries."
Because it sounds like "toilet trees"! Trees that toilets grow on!
Or maybe trees that dogs use as toilets.
Or maybe toilets that only dolls can use! Because it also sounds like "toy latrines"! Wow, I'm having fun with this.
You're a person of simple pleasures.
Comic #368
January 29 2009
MOUSEOVER TEXT: Alone shark: shark that doesn't hunt in packs.
Oops. That was one more word.
TEXT OF COMIC:
Hey, Norma!
I'm reading. Leave me alone.
Huh?
Oh! I thought you said "leave me a loan." Like, a loan. Like borrowed money. I couldn't figure out what you meant by that.
'Cause how could someone LEAVE you a loan? Like, they died and left you money, but you're expected to pay it back? How would that even work?
If you say one more word, I'm killing you, taking all your money, and then paying it back by buying you a huge gravestone with the epitaph "Here lies Abby, who could not keep her stupid observations to herself."
Harsh.
Comic #369
January 30 2009
MOUSEOVER TEXT: 'Ebay' is pig latin for 'be.'
I don't know if Norma is actually talking to you, or if she's just making a silly joke for Abby's benefit. In either case, I don't think you can really become a grammar nerd unless you were born for it.
TEXT OF COMIC:
"I am America, and So Can You." What a weird title for a book.
I wonder why that title sounds so weird.
Well, I guess part of it is that saying "I am America" is a little nonsensical.
Yeah, but that's only part of it. It also sounds grammatically weird. I mean, if you say something less nonsensical with the same grammatical structure-- like "I am a doctor, and so can you"-- it still sounds as if it should be wrong.
But the thing is, there's no grammatical reason for it to be wrong. Try replacing "am" with any other verb. "I call a doctor, and so can you." "I visit a doctor, and so can you." It sounds perfectly fine. What is it about the verb "to be" that doesn't work in that sentence?
I can't stand it, I have to go to the library and research this burning question. I won't rest until I figure out the answer.
Abby is a grammar nerd, and so can you.
Comic #370
February 2 2009
MOUSEOVER TEXT: A Bismarck is actually the exact same pastry as a Berliner.
According to Wikipedia, Kennedy's "Ich bin ein Berliner" speech was perfectly correct, and it's a myth that he made any error that could have caused Germans to misinterpret it as "I am a jelly doughnut." People from Berlin do refer to themselves as "Berliner," and they do not use the word "Berliner" for that particular doughnut. People in other parts of Germany call it a "Berliner," but the Berliners call it a "Pfannkuchen."
TEXT OF COMIC:
I'm writing a story, Norma. It's an alternate history.
In my story, Otto von Bismarck visits the United States, and when he tells everyone, "I am Bismarck!" they all laugh at him, because they think he's saying "I am a jelly doughnut!"
Because, see, there's a kind of jelly doughnut called a Bismarck...
I don't think the doughnut was called a Bismarck during Bismarck's lifetime.
IN MY ALTERNATE HISTORY IT WAS.
Comic #371
February 3 2009
MOUSEOVER TEXT: There goes Abby being an optipessimist again.
The only reason we've evolved any tendency to think about positive things at all is because we have absolutely no use for thinking about someone ELSE'S problems, and therefore nobody will mate with you if you focus on nothing but your own misery.
TEXT OF COMIC:
I just got my sociology paper back and read through the comments the prof left on it. And I noticed that I'm already starting to forget all the good things he said, and obsessing on the bad things.
How come negative stuff sticks in our memories so much more easily than positive stuff? What evolutionary benefit could that have?
It's simple, really. Our minds focus on the negative because that's what needs to be changed. There's no reason for us to think about the positive, because there's nothing we need to do about it. It's fine the way it is.
So it's GOOD for us to be miserable all the time.
Pretty much, yeah. The more we think about our problems, the likelier we are to solve them.
Wait, you just focused on the positive side of something.
I'm an evolutionary mistake.
Comic #372
February 4 2009
MOUSEOVER TEXT: Cathy is the Borg. She will assimilate you into mainstream culture.
Actually, we're a lot farther along than that... there are blind people with computers plugged into the vision centers of their brains, and people with artificial limbs that they can control by thinking about it. But those technologies are currently expensive enough that only a few people have them. The rest of us have to be satisfied with semi-cyborgism in old age.
As for me, I rely so much on my digital watch, cellphone, laptop and iPod Touch that I consider myself a few steps away from being a cyborg.
TEXT OF COMIC:
Cyborgs.
What?
Cyborgs. It's such a weird thought, isn't it-- people made from a combination of natural and artificial parts.
And yet it's not that far off at all. We've already got old people with dentures, pacemakers, hearing aids, replacement hips-- all sorts of artificial additions to their bodies.
Maybe in order to be cyborgs we don't have to grow as a species-- we just have to grow older individually.
Oh my god! I'm late for the party! I've got to go back to my dorm and put on my false eyelashes! And my acrylic nails! And my hair extensions!
Or maybe we don't have to get older at all.
Comic #373
February 5 2009
MOUSEOVER TEXT: This sort of social situation happens to me all the time.
After a Google search, I have concluded that there is probably no legal limit on how fast you can shoot bullets... but that the fastest-shooting guns known to man are still not very available to the average consumer. They are difficult to use anyway, due to recoil and weight.
TEXT OF COMIC:
Hello, ma'am. I was wondering if this bookstore has... um, are you laughing at me?
Mmm? No, no, I'm just laughing to myself.
See, I was thinking about how Superman is faster than a speeding bullet, and then I got to thinking about the very concept of a speeding bullet, and whether there is actually some sort of speed limit for bullets, and what sort of penalties they would face if they disobeyed it.
And you thought that was funny.
Yeah, pretty much.
Either you're a complete weirdo, or your job is so monotonous that it would make a linoleum tile seem entertaining.
Some of each, I guess.
Comic #374
February 6 2009
MOUSEOVER TEXT: To Abby, grammar mistakes are the worst kind of bad language.
I can't actually think of any songs that use the word "drug" in a context where it could plausibly refer to a legal drug. I can think of a song that has a refrain including the word "antidepressants," but nobody beeps that out.
TEXT OF COMIC:
The girls come easy and the ----- come cheap;
We'll all stay skinny 'cause we just won't eat!
Hey-- what word did they just beep out?
Dang it, I'm really curious now. Hmm. We have three clues: it's a noun, it has one syllable, and it's considered more offensive than the promiscuity mentioned in the previous clause and the anorexia mentioned in the following line.
I've heard that song before on a less censored station. The word is "drugs."
Huh? "Drugs" is a beepable word now? How can that be? I've heard DARE teachers use it in classrooms full of young children.
And do they still have to beep it out if the song's talking about legal drugs? What if it's ambiguous whether it's talking about legal or illegal ones?
Why are you even listening to this channel, anyway?
The only times the radio should have to beep out the word "drug" are those times when some idiot uses it as the past tense of "drag."
Comic #375
February 9 2009
MOUSEOVER TEXT: ... but does light count as an object? Maybe its individual particles do.
Going by more traditional definitions of "man-made object," this was the first.
TEXT OF COMIC:
...And as Kaylee correctly answered, the word "Mach" refers to the speed of sound. Does anyone remember what was the first man-made object to go faster than that speed?
A turd.
Abby, if you must make vulgar jokes about the lesson, can they at least be clever ones?
I'm serious. A turd was the first man-made object to break the speed of sound.
This is because a turd was undoubtedly the first man-made object EVER, and it went faster than the speed of sound because it was on the planet Earth, which is orbiting the sun faster than the speed of sound.
I was talking about the first man-made object to go faster than the speed of sound IN RELATION to the Earth.
That would have to be the light from the first man-made fire.
Comic #376
February 10 2009
MOUSEOVER TEXT: ...well, if your mom didn't want the promise in the first place...
Actually the lyric is "That's a good idea, break a promise to your mother," and the context and intent of the words is very ambiguous. Abby's mom is overreacting.
I once went through a phase where I thought it was funny to say "I swear on my mother's grave!" when making promises to my mother. My mother did not think it was funny.
TEXT OF COMIC:
I can't stand the songs kids are listening to these days.
I mean, there's even one that has the line, "It's a good idea to break a promise to your mother"! How is that an acceptable lyric? It's NEVER a good idea to break a promise to your mother!
Mom, I hereby promise never to reproduce. I solemnly swear that your family line will die with me.
Okay, sometimes it IS a good idea.
Comic #377
February 11 2009
MOUSEOVER TEXT: We have nothing to worry about but worry itself.
They have other causes too, Abby.
TEXT OF COMIC:
I read about a study that showed that people who worry a lot don't live as long. And then I read about a study that showed that women worry more than men.
And then I read about a study that showed that women live longer than men. How does that make sense?
That study that said worrying shortens your life is bullcrap. It didn't take into account the times when worrying SAVES your life.
For instance, if a woman is having a heart attack, she worries so much that she calls an ambulance. But if a man is having a heart attack, he doesn't worry-- he says, "Oh, it's nothing, I'll be fine," and then he dies.
You don't think the gender gap in lifespan might possibly be influenced by the fact that men have more heart attacks?
Heart attacks are caused by not worrying enough about what you eat.
Comic #378
February 12 2009
MOUSEOVER TEXT: But why, then, are most children conceived in the cold months?
Actually, I'm not sure how right Abby is about successful cultures being in cold climates. America is a successful country and has a wide variety of temperatures, with the most successful cities not necessarily being the coldest. Same with Japan.
And if there is a correlation, I think it's because societies that live in cold climates must already be successful enough at tool-using that they can survive in a cold climate, so they have an advantage toward becoming rich countries.
Of course, some cold-climate societies, like the native tribes of northern America, had only the basic tools for survival and never became rich... but they were usually nomadic, and hoarding wealth doesn't really work when you travel all over the place. (I suppose there are advantages to that, too.)
TEXT OF COMIC:
I read somewhere that people in cold climates live longer.
That's because, statistically, the poorest and least healthy countries tend to be ones with warm climates.
Isn't that weird, though? I mean, humans are a tropical species. Warm climates are the only places we can live without tools and technology. And yet the most successful human cultures are in cold climates.
I think it's BECAUSE we're a tropical species.
Since we belong in the tropics, our genes tell us to reproduce more if the climate is warm. More reproduction leads to overpopulation, poverty, and death.
Are ALL problems caused by having children, Abby?
Pretty much.
Comic #379
February 13 2009
MOUSEOVER TEXT: he can change logic so that he can change logic without changing logic.
Actually, I think planets qualify as "rocks that God can't lift," because the concepts of "up" and "down" and "lifting" are meaningless in space.
TEXT OF COMIC:
Even if there is a God, he can't be omnipotent.
The very concept of omnipotence contains logical contradictions. The classic example is, "Can God make a rock so big that he can't lift it?"
Don't quote logic to me, Abby. God can control the laws of logic. If he wanted to, he could change logic so that he could make a rock he couldn't lift and still be omnipotent.
But can he do it WITHOUT changing the laws of logic? 'Cause if he can't, he's still not omnipotent.
Shut up.
Comic #380
February 16 2009
MOUSEOVER TEXT: Nothing is the new hallucinogen.
It's really, really annoying that there is no foolproof way to be sure you're not hallucinating.
TEXT OF COMIC:
Hi, Abby!
Oh, hi, Norma! Man, am I glad to see you! I've been sitting here all day doing nothing, and the world doesn't seem real anymore-- I feel as if I've sunk into some other level of existence that I don't belong in.
You're really Norma, right? You're not some kind of boredom-induced hallucination?
Of course I'm not a hallucination! Ask me anything!
That doesn't work. If I asked you something that only Norma and I could know, you'd still answer correctly if you were a hallucination.
Then ask me something that only Norma would know and you wouldn't. And then check and see if I'm right. Like, ask me what email I sent you today, and then go check your inbox.
But even if I check my email and your answer is correct, maybe I'll still be hallucinating. Or maybe you never even told me in the first place, and this is just a false memory that will have appeared when I read my email.
You were right. You've been doing nothing for way too long.
My brain can't handle this much nothing.
Comic #381
February 17 2009
MOUSEOVER TEXT: munch, munch, munch
If she is pretending to have Munchausen syndrome, then that means she really does have Munchausen syndrome. However, if she really does have it, then she is not pretending to have it, and therefore does not have it. If she has it, then she doesn't. Makes the head spin.
TEXT OF COMIC:
I think I have Munchausen syndrome.
What? Isn't that a psychiatric condition where someone pretends to have a disease in order to get attention?
Yes. I'm sure that's what I have.
No you don't! You aren't going around pretending to have diseases!
Sure I am! I'm doing it right now.
Whoa. That has got to be some kind of logical paradox.
Comic #382
February 18 2009
MOUSEOVER TEXT: Carrying your valuables inside something obviously valuable is stupid.
I guess people who steal a purse are choosing to take the risk of being held accountable for the theft of whatever the purse and its contents happen to be worth. It's kind of a surprise grab bag.
TEXT OF COMIC:
Felony theft is stealing something worth over $500, right?
Yeah, where we live, I think it is.
So what if someone steals my purse, which contains my debit card, which is connected to an account that has over $500 in it? Is that felony theft?
Only if he uses the card, I think.
So if he gets caught before he can use the card, it's not a felony? That doesn't make sense. I mean, if my purse had $500 in cash in it when he stole it, that would be felony theft, even if he got caught before he could spend it.
Or what if my purse itself was worth $500, but the thief didn't know that?
People who spend $500 on a purse deserve to have it stolen.
Comic #383
February 19 2009
MOUSEOVER TEXT: Live every day as if it were your last and you believed in an afterlife.
It's okay to die so suddenly that you don't even know you're dying. And it's okay to die on a few months' or a few years' notice, so you have time to do the things you wanted to do before you die. What's not okay is finding out you're going to die in five minutes. That would suck.
TEXT OF COMIC:
You know that saying "Live every day as if it were your last"? That's pretty stupid advice, really.
If I knew I had only one day to live, then either I'd spend the whole day huddled in my room in terror, or I'd lose all regard for the consequences of my actions and run through the streets naked or something.
Well, the saying is "Live every day as if it were your last"... and if it really were your last day, you probably wouldn't know it.
But if I lived every day as if it were my last and I didn't know it, then I'd act the same way I act all the time.
Maybe the saying is just telling you to be yourself.
Comic #384
February 20 2009
MOUSEOVER TEXT: 'There will be blood' is such a silly phrase. There's always blood.
Logically, Hans was also incorrect in saying "I'm not going to cut myself," since his fingernails are, technically, part of himself.
TEXT OF COMIC:
Hey, Abby, do you have a nail clipper?
No. Sorry.
That's okay. Do you have a pocketknife?
Yeah, here you go. But do you really want to trim your nails with a pocketknife?
Sure. Don't worry about me. I'm not going to cut myself.
Yeah right. There will be blood, Hans. I bet you a hundred bucks there will be blood.
There! See? I did it! No cuts! You owe me a hundred bucks, Abby!
No way. I said there would be blood. I didn't say it would necessarily be outside your blood vessels.
Then what you said was pretty much meaningless.
Saying something meaningless is always a safe bet.
Comic #385
February 23 2009
MOUSEOVER TEXT: great, now the word 'dinner' is looking weird to me
Actually, Karen and Sharon probably could make a pretty big mess out of Popsicles.
TEXT OF COMIC:
Okay, girls, dinner is over. It's time to clean up the table.
Shouldn't you do that, Mom?
Me? I made the dinner!
But you're always telling us that whoever made a mess has to clean it up. If you made the dinner, you should have to clean up after the dinner. Logically speaking.
I didn't make a mess! I made the dinner! You were the ones who made the dinner into a mess!
There'd be a lot less mess if you had let us eat Popsicles instead.
Comic #386
February 24 2009
MOUSEOVER TEXT: You're jush jealoush that I can get away with bein' drunk at work.
I've heard that the placebo effect works very, very well with headache remedies. Perhaps this is because headaches are all in your head.
TEXT OF COMIC:
I can't believe you came to work drunk.
You should try gettin' drunk some time, Abby. It's fun.
No it isn't. Alcohol is actually a depressant. You just think you're happy. It's all in your head.
So? What difference's that make? Isn't happiness always all in your head?
Ha! I win, Abby. Y'know I'm right. It doesn't matter my happiness is in my head-- it still feels good.
And it won't matter that the headache you get tomorrow will be in your head-- it will still feel terrible.
Comic #387
February 25 2009
MOUSEOVER TEXT: 555 hits for 'female unicorns'
Someone on a fanfiction forum once claimed that there must be such a thing as "het slash" because it turned up hits on Google. This was especially silly since most of the hits contained commas, with phrases like "het, slash and other fanfiction." ("Het" is fanfiction about opposite-sex relationships, and "slash" is fanfiction about same-sex relationships, so in reality the only way there could be a "het slash" story is if there were more than one relationship involved. Or some interesting alien gender-bending.)
TEXT OF COMIC:
Seriously, Hans. Women are superior to men. Think about it. There are no female Nazis.
What do you mean there are no female Nazis?
Look. I get 14,500 hits when I do a Google search for "female Nazis."
So? I get 5,260,000 hits when I search for "unicorns." Doesn't mean they exist.
Hmm. I get 140 hits when I search for "Nazi unicorns."
We need to turn that into a meme somehow.
Comic #388
February 26 2009
MOUSEOVER TEXT: The lunar spies are lunatics. Or maybe tuna licks.
I don't know of any candles with hair, but I know someone who puts beeswax in his hair. Maybe that's the first step toward hair-candle-hood.
TEXT OF COMIC:
...So I dropped the box from the top of the ladder to save time, because I couldn't see that it said "handle with care," because the words saying "handle with care" were too small, and the boss yelled at me because I'm supposed to handle it with care even if it doesn't say "candle with hair."
Ha ha ha!
What?
You said "candle with hair." You meant to say "handle with care" but you said "candle with hair."
"Candle with hair." Ha ha ha! You must be related to Spooner!
I hate Spooner.
Well, Spooner loves you. He says you're as fretty as a plower. He told me he wants to sit with you in some nosey little cook, drinking tai chi and practicing chai tea.
Spooner lies.
Don't you mean "lunar spies"?
Comic #389
February 27 2009
MOUSEOVER TEXT: that's the opinion of some people about mash-ups, yes
I always get remixes and mash-ups confused. I am truly not a music nerd.
TEXT OF COMIC:
What's a remix? Is that when you combine parts from two different songs?
No, that's a mash-up.
But you can make a mash-up with three songs, too! I know one. Want me to sing it?
Um...
Twinkle, twinkle, little star,
Yes sir, yes sir, three bags full.
Q, R, S, T, U, V,
Like a diamond in the sky...
Baa baa black sheep, have you any wool?
Next time won't you sing with me?
I think mash-ups are traditionally done with songs that DON'T already have the same tune.
Eww. That would sound horrible.
Comic #390
March 2 2009
MOUSEOVER TEXT: says here, Vernon Scannell, 1922-2007. Nice try.
How does Cathy know the true intended meaning of that line about the tangled web? Because she wrote it, of course.
TEXT OF COMIC:
Hey, Cathy, remember that poem you turned in for English class?
I knew you were lying when you said you wrote that! Look! It's right here in this poetry anthology. It was written by someone named Vernon Scannell.
Oh, that. Back when that anthology was compiled, I was using Vernon Scannell as my pen name.
You know, once you start lying, you have to lie more and more. You get caught in a net made of your own lies. You know the old line? "What a tangled web we weave, when first we practice to deceive."
But that's only "when first we practice." Once we get some experience and get good at lying, we're able to keep things straight.
I don't think you're there yet.
Comic #391
March 3 2009
MOUSEOVER TEXT: 'Tip sea glass, algae spit.' --Ron, 2008
We live in a house called Earth... with glass walls called the atmosphere... and throwing stones symbolizes, um, doing stuff that releases pollution. Hmm. It'll take a bit of work.
TEXT OF COMIC:
You know that saying, "Those who live in glass houses shouldn't throw stones?" I used to think that was just because the stones they threw might hit their glass houses.
I couldn't figure out what the metaphor could be. It seemed like just a simple example telling people not to do stupid stuff. And sayings are almost never like that, so I couldn't understand it. It drove me crazy.
Then I found out it was more complicated: it meant that people who live in glass houses shouldn't throw stones anywhere, even far away from their houses, because their houses are particularly vulnerable to retaliation from anyone they throw a stone at.
And the metaphor was for hypocrisy. You shouldn't criticize other people for having a fault that you have too, because if you have that fault, you are particularly vulnerable to them criticizing you in retaliation. I mean, how was I supposed to guess a complicated meaning like that?
Huh. I think the meaning should be broader. Like "Don't make other people angry when you're vulnerable."
I wonder if I can make it into a metaphor for the greenhouse effect.
Comic #392
March 4 2009
MOUSEOVER TEXT: LOLcats are not the same as grincats.
...does it count if the grin is in response to a cat?
TEXT OF COMIC:
Look at this scene in "Alice in Wonderland."
"I've often seen a cat without a grin. But a grin without a cat?"
Huh. She'd never seen a grin without a cat before? That's crazy. Like, every single grin I've ever seen has been without a cat.
I think Lewis Carroll's writing is less effective if you already have a weird take on logic when you start reading it.
Comic #393
March 5 2009
MOUSEOVER TEXT: Actually it's odd that Cathy hasn't died yet.
Nothing like weird Abby-logic to change a girl's ideals.
TEXT OF COMIC:
I hate Cathy. I wish she would just die.
Oh, come on. Yeah, she's a jerk, but she doesn't deserve to die.
Yes she does. Everyone on earth deserves to die.
No they don't! Nobody deserves to die!
What? So you think everyone deserves to live forever?
No... nobody deserves to live FOREVER. But nobody deserves to DIE, either.
That statement is self-contradictory.
Actually, maybe YOU should die.
Comic #394
March 6 2009
MOUSEOVER TEXT: Syllabically palindromic is how the Japanese do it.
Offer her a... um... a book on how to improve your puns?
TEXT OF COMIC:
You know the strategy where, instead of telling people their breath stinks, you offer them a Tic Tac?
I think that should be called the Tic Tac Tactic.
Get it? It's, like, syllabically palindromic!
The Kit Kat Tactic is phonetically palindromic, but it's much less helpful for your breath.
How do you tell someone politely that her puns stink?
Comic #395
March 9 2009
MOUSEOVER TEXT: Flame retardants just developmentally disable the flames.
Categorizing is often pointless. You'll always find individuals who don't fit in the boxes.
TEXT OF COMIC:
I don't like the current use of the phrase "developmental disability." It's a narrow use of a broad word. "Developmental disability" can refer to any impairment of any aspect of mental, emotional or physical development-- but it's being used as if it were synonymous with mental retardation.
Yeah, but "retardation" is an inaccurate word too. It comes from a word meaning "late" or "slow"-- it's related to the word "tardy." So "mental retardation" implies that mental growth is just slowed down, and normal development will just happen later than usual, which isn't the case at all.
What would be an accurate word for people with abnormally low IQs? I mean, there isn't a good one. "Mentally disabled" can refer to other aspects of mentality besides IQ. "Stupid" is for people with average IQs who don't bother to think.
"Stupid" is a good word for anyone who thinks it's possible to come up with accurate labels for people.
I think you just contradicted yourself.
Comic #396
March 10 2009
MOUSEOVER TEXT: I guess that would be a Little Ben...
Just don't smoke the second hand.
TEXT OF COMIC:
Someone just gave me a brochure from "Watchtower Publications."
What's a "watchtower," anyway?
I think it's like a clock tower, but smaller.
Ooh, cool. I've always wanted a miniature Big Ben to sit on my desk.
You guys are ridiculous.
Comic #397
March 11 2009
MOUSEOVER TEXT: Elvis is an anagram for 'lives.' But also 'evils' and 'viles.'
Hmm... pointy eared Elvis. I can't really imagine it. At the Minnesota Ice Festival one year there was an Elvis impersonator dressed as a Vulcan. But not the pointy eared kind. This kind. In Minnesota, "Vulcans" are members of a firemen's krewe. Go Minnesota.
TEXT OF COMIC:
What are "theses?" It looks as if it's supposed to be a plural of "these." But that doesn't make sense.
It's the plural of "thesis." Plurals that end in "es" are plurals of words that end in "is."
So the singular of "elves" is "Elvis"?
Elvis as an elf. Now there's an image.
I guess in his later years, Elvis was approaching Santa Claus stature.
Comic #398
March 12 2009
MOUSEOVER TEXT: They are 'baking needs.' Evidently that counts.
Apparently some states have sales tax on medicine and others don't. It's anyone's guess as to whether, and where, there will be sales tax on the inevitable medicine that will someday make you immortal.
TEXT OF COMIC:
I went to the store and bought marshmallows and chocolate chips for these snack bars I'm making. And they didn't charge me any sales tax.
I don't understand. Sales tax is charged on luxuries, not necessities. On wants, not needs. Evidently someone, somewhere, thinks that marshmallows and chocolate chips are needs.
But they're not. The only real needs are food, water, air, and in some cases, medicine.
Even clothing and shelter aren't needs. You can stay alive without them.
Except in places where it gets really cold in the winter.
Hey, if a "need" is something you'll die if you don't get, then doesn't that mean immortality is a need?
When it gets invented, there won't be any sales tax on it.
Comic #399
March 13 2009
MOUSEOVER TEXT: it might cut down on weight... that counts for something in track...
I think the latest clothing and equipment should be allowed every time we have the Olympics, but it should have to be the same for everyone. That way, if athlete A does better than athlete B, we'll know it was really because of A's strength and skill, and not because he had better technology.
TEXT OF COMIC:
I wonder when really good sports gear becomes cheating.
I mean, at the Olympics, there's no standard clothing. All the swimmers wear different swimsuits. All the runners wear different track shoes. So it's just as much a contest of technology as of human skill. If someone wins endless gold medals, maybe he's just got a really good set of clothes.
And when does it become too good? I mean, if your swimsuit has little rocket jets on it, you're obviously cheating. But if it's a high-tech material specially designed to slide through the water, that's okay. Even if it gives you just as much advantage as taking steroids.
I think there should be a limit. But, I mean, where should it be? Should they stop being allowed to wear this year's latest outfits? Should they have to wear clothes designed twenty years ago? A hundred years ago?
I think they should go back to their roots and do everything naked.
Nobody would ever break a world record again.
Comic #400
March 16 2009
MOUSEOVER TEXT: Strip 400! (Not 400 factorial. That was an ordinary exclamation point.)
I read these collections a long, long time ago, but I still remember some parts pretty vividly.
One of the most interesting parts of the German Calvin and Hobbes collection was that one strip where Calvin says to Hobbes, "Let's go spelunking!" and Hobbes says "There are no caves around here!" and Calvin says "You don't need a cave, you just need a rock" and in the last panel they're throwing a rock into a lake and it's making a "spelunk" noise.
In the German version, they translated "spelunking" into "spelunken," which I assumed meant the same: a word for exploring a cave. But when Hobbes says "there are no caves around here," the German Hobbes didn't use the word "Hoehle," which means "cave." He used the word "Kneipe," which means "bar" or "pub." So for years I thought that "Kneipe" also had the alternate meaning of "cave."
But then one day I was reading something in German and saw a bar referred to as a "Spelunke." And I thought... oh, wow.
"Spelunke" means "bar," so when they translated "spelunking" into "spelunken" for the German version, they were translating it into a German word for going to a bar. That explained Hobbes' use of the word "Kneipe." They actually managed to translate the pun, but they had to turn it into a strip where Hobbes thought Calvin was inviting him to go to a bar.
Kind of ingenious, but still pretty weird.
TEXT OF COMIC:
I was just reading some Calvin and Hobbes collections translated into German and Spanish. It made me think about all the challenges of translation.
For instance, both German and Spanish use different words for "you" depending on whether one person or multiple people are being addressed. But English doesn't. So in the English version of the comic, it was always kind of ambiguous whether Calvin's mother addressed just Calvin or both Calvin and Hobbes.
Like, if Calvin said, "Hobbes and I are going outside," and his mom said "You need to be back by dinner," I always kind of assumed she was using the singular "you," and not even acknowledging that Hobbes was an entity who could be addressed. She doesn't seem like the type to humor Calvin that way.
But both the German and the Spanish translations have her using the plural "you." I wouldn't have done it that way. But I can see the dilemma they were facing. It's a real test of translatorial integrity.
Or maybe "in-tiger-ity."
See, nobody could translate this comic. It's nothing but puns.
Are you breaking the 400th wall?
Comic #401
March 17 2009
MOUSEOVER TEXT: Don't lose your focas, Abby.
Some say that Shakespeare's work sounds better in German. I don't know. I do think most Beatles songs sound better in German. (Although "Gelben Unterseeboot" doesn't quite fit the rhythm of "Yellow Submarine." "Gelben U-Boot" would come closer, but not quite.)
TEXT OF COMIC:
Translating has so many dilemmas. It can even affect the originality of the work.
For instance, in Spanish, it's a cliche to say that someone is "tan gordo como una foca"-- "as fat as a seal." But in English that would be a very original, creative-sounding description. I mean, a seal? Who has ever used that comparison in English?
So if you were translating a Spanish author's work into English, and he had used the phrase "tan gordo como una foca," would you translate it word for word? I mean, that would make the author look more original than he really was.
To preserve his writing style, you should really translate it into an equivalent English cliche, like "as fat as a pig." But to me it would feel really wrong, somehow, putting down the wrong animal's name.
Suck up your feelings of wrongness, Abby. We can't have mediocre authors improving their work illicitly through your translation.
Hey, I'm not actually translating anything. I'm just explaining to you why I'd never have the guts to translate.
Comic #402
March 18 2009
MOUSEOVER TEXT: I would name 114 JamesTKirkium.
Roentgenium was the latest one last I checked. By the time this comic posts, there'll probably be something newer.
J and Q aren't alone. W is very close to not having an element, but it's saved by the fact that "Wolfram" is an alternate word for tungsten.
TEXT OF COMIC:
Roentgenium.
Huh?
Roentgenium. The latest name on the Periodic Table.
You sound as if you don't like it.
Heck no! I hate it! It starts with R!
What's wrong with R?
There are already seven other elements that start with R! I mean, come on! Make an element that starts with J, already! That's the only letter we don't have an element for yet! Or at least make one that starts with Q, 'cause until they do, we have to call mercury "quicksilver."
You HAVE to call mercury "quicksilver" just so there can be an element that starts with Q?
I'm also seriously considering spelling "Germanium" with a J.
Comic #403
March 19 2009
MOUSEOVER TEXT: Icks.
If it were his thing, he would probably know that "orthography" is the more accepted word.
TEXT OF COMIC:
Hans, are you interested in economics?
Sure. Mathematics, physics, electronics... I pretty much like anything that ends with "ics."
How about ecneics?
What the heck is that?
"Science" spelled backwards.
I have to admit orthographics has never been my thing.
Comic #404
March 20 2009
MOUSEOVER TEXT: Abby's puns are the pits.
Well, "impound" means something vaguely similar to "put in the pound"... but "impress" doesn't mean "put in a press," and "impair" doesn't mean "put in a pair." There is very little precedent for Abby's new definition.
TEXT OF COMIC:
There have been six presidents named James. Madison, Monroe, Buchanan, Carter, Garfield, and Polk.
But the sad thing is that none of them were impeached.
Huh? Why is that sad?
Because I think "impeach" should mean "to put someone inside a giant peach." And if it did, it should always happen to guys named James.
I wish there were a way to throw you out of office.
Comic #405
March 23 2009
MOUSEOVER TEXT: Stun nuts. Tung nut. Tuna, a nut. Emo tutu to me.
I think Abby and Ron are just trying to hide the fact that they've forgotten most of the story.
TEXT OF COMIC:
Tell me the story of the Nutcracker.
Tell you? It's not a story, Sharon. It's a...
Tell a ballet?
Yeah, it's a ballet. How can we tell you a ballet?
You could dance it for me.
You're never going to see a leotard on me, kid.
Nor not on Ron.
Comic #406
March 24 2009
MOUSEOVER TEXT: This comic cracks me up.
When people are denied information, scary things happen.
TEXT OF COMIC:
So there's this nut-flavored cracker, but then it cracks and goes nuts, and ends up in a crack house and then a nut house...
What are you talking about?
I don't know. Abby and Ron won't tell me what really happens in the story of the Nutcracker, so I'm making stuff up.
You are the most cracked nut of all, Sharon.
Comic #407
March 25 2009
MOUSEOVER TEXT: a rabbit can have hair but a hare can't have rabbit
Apparently Sharon got Abby to read her something after all. Let's see how long she can put up with it.
TEXT OF COMIC:
And as the turtle crossed the finish line ten minutes later, the rabbit smiled in satisfaction at the superiority of his species.
Hey! That's not how the story's supposed to end!
Maybe you were thinking of the story of the tortoise and the hare. This is the story of the turtle and the rabbit.
See, a turtle is faster than a tortoise, and a rabbit is slower than a hare. And the rabbit knew that, so that's why he didn't slack off like the hare in the other story.
What's the moral of this one?
"Never underestimate the importance of zoological classification."
Comic #408
March 26 2009
MOUSEOVER TEXT: The title of this story, of course, is 'The Prince and the Popper.'
I can't multitask like Abby. I can't even read if people are talking nearby. Or if there's music with words. The words get mixed up with the words I'm trying to read.
TEXT OF COMIC:
"That's it," announced the queen. "He must be a prince, because only a true prince could have felt a single Jalapeno Popper through forty-two mattresses."
Let me see that book, Abby.
This isn't a storybook! You haven't been reading, you've just been making crap up off the top of your head!
Actually, I was reading and making crap up at the same time. I'm good at multitasking.
Will you read me this book instead? I don't know what a Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy is, but it sounds cool enough for my mom to disapprove of it.
Comic #409
March 27 2009
MOUSEOVER TEXT: Anti-money is Communist. Its initials stand for Soviet Bolsheviks.
...And as for the quality of the pun, that might be the worst I've heard in a WEEK or so.
TEXT OF COMIC:
How come you're pouring chemicals on those coins, Abby? Is it like that experiment from chemistry class where we made a penny look like gold?
Not exactly.
Hmm. You're right, your test tube says "Sb" on it. I don't remember that from the gold penny experiment.
Yeah, but I figure that I can get a cool explosion if I mix money with anti-money.
That... was the most complicated setup for a bad pun that I've seen in DAYS.
Comic #410
March 30 2009
MOUSEOVER TEXT: Thank goodness there are so few words with a double-w.
I like W. It's the only letter spoken with more than one syllable, and its spoken name gives no indication as to what sound it makes. It occasionally, very rarely, serves as a vowel. (As in the word "crwth.") And it follows the convention of being an odd-numbered letter, like all other vowels.
TEXT OF COMIC:
How do you spell "embarrassed?"
E-m-b-a-double-r-a-double-s-e-d.
What on earth is the point of saying "double-r" and "double-s" when it's thirty percent faster to say "r-r" and "s-s"?
I just like to confuse people.
I bet there's someone somewhere who thinks "vacuum" is spelled "v-a-c-w-m" because of you.
Comic #411
March 31 2009
MOUSEOVER TEXT: maybe you can grow a salt plant
Earth might taste a little better if it were salted.
TEXT OF COMIC:
What does "salting the earth" mean? Is it a good thing?
No. If you put salt in the ground, nothing can grow there.
Then what does "you are the salt of the earth" mean? Is it a bad thing?
No, it's good. It means you're precious and valuable.
If salt in the earth makes it not grow stuff, then why would the salt of the earth be valuable?
It's a good weapon against your enemies' crops.
Comic #412
April 1 2009
MOUSEOVER TEXT: Eating your boogers also helps.
Germs are still an enemy, but one that becomes stronger than your defenses if you stay too far away from it.
TEXT OF COMIC:
How come you never seem to get sick, Abby? I mean, in all the years I've known you, you've gotten the flu maybe once. How do you avoid it so well?
I use filthy public restrooms, eat food I've dropped on the floor, and go a week at a time without bathing.
You do this to AVOID getting sick?
Yup. I have an obsessive-compulsive concern for my health.
What you are describing really does not sound like obsessive-compulsive disorder.
That's because your stereotype of OCD is someone who's obsessively scared of bacteria. I'm obsessively scared of having insufficient exposure to bacteria and subsequent atrophy of my immune system.
So you haven't got germophobia, you've got-- what? Germophilia?
Not exactly. It's more like "know thy enemy."
Comic #413
April 2 2009
MOUSEOVER TEXT: antidepressants have sui-cide-effects
We all have thoughts of suicide in some form or another, if we are capable of thinking hypothetically at all. If you ask yourself "Would I sacrifice my life to save another person's life?" in a sense that's both a thought of suicide and a thought of homicide, because on the one hand you're wondering if you'd give up your own life (for someone else's), and on the other hand you're wondering if you'd give up someone else's life (for yours).
TEXT OF COMIC:
My psychiatrist is putting me on a new depression med. He told me to watch out for thoughts of suicide.
But the thing is, I've always had thoughts of suicide, even when my depression's being successfully treated.
It's not part of the depression-- it's just part of being a good writer. I mean, come on, authors have overactive imaginations. We think about everything. If you don't spend a large part of your time imagining crazy, highly unlikely hypothetical situations, you can't get ideas for stories.
Right now I'm writing a short story about a dystopian future where murderers are cryogenically frozen to be used as killer warriors in case global war begins someday. So yes, I am capable of imagining weird crap.
And yes, when I am in a bad mood, my imagination is going to run away with me, and I am going to think about suicide, homicide, and, on occasion, blowing up the whole planet. Doesn't mean I'd do it, it just means I'm an author.
You don't think it might be the OCD?
OCD is part of being an author, too.
Comic #414
April 3 2009
MOUSEOVER TEXT: I used to point glue guns at people in art class and say 'this is a stickup.'
They don't even have the same etymology. Shoplifting is "lifting" merchandise off shelves unseen, while holding up a store is pointing a weapon at the cashiers and making them "hold up" their hands. At least I think that's where the word comes from, because a holdup is also called a stickup, and "Stick 'em up!" clearly refers to the hands.
TEXT OF COMIC:
It's kind of interesting that "shoplifting" and "holding up a store" aren't the same crime.
Why is that interesting?
Because when taken literally, they mean the same thing.
Hey! Why did you do that? I wasn't making a pun, I was just making a fascinating observation!
I don't like people who are too easily fascinated.
Comic #415
April 6 2009
MOUSEOVER TEXT: yes, it should.
I have that same type of personality, which is frustrating because my husband doesn't like sweets.
TEXT OF COMIC:
Hi, Abby! Want a candy bar?
Norma, you just pulled a chair out from under me yesterday. How can you think I'll be happy with you again just because you give me a candy bar?
It was worth a try.
You have a bulimic personality.
What?
Instead of controlling yourself and not doing stupid stuff in the first place, you lose control and do stupid stuff, and then you try to find a quick fix to undo it.
So your problem is a lot like being bulimic-- overeating and then trying to lose the weight quick by throwing up or taking a laxative or having liposuction.
Liposuction counts as bulimia?
It should.
Comic #416
April 7 2009
MOUSEOVER TEXT: The best offense is a good defense.
What Abby doesn't understand is that the literal meaning of a word has no bearing on whether it is offensive. Words for groups of people simply become offensive as they get older, because they become associated with an earlier generation that was less nice to the group in question.
Besides, I'm skeptical of the validity of the word "Mongoloid" to describe anything, since it was popularized by the same guy who started calling Europeans "Caucasians" because he had found some skulls in the Caucasus that he thought belonged to ancient white people just because he found them beautiful.
TEXT OF COMIC:
Today I heard someone refer to a kid with Down's Syndrome as "Mongoloid." I can't believe it. I thought nobody had used that word for fifty years.
Are you offended by it?
Well, yeah, I guess.
Why? Do you think it's offensive to people with Down's Syndrome to compare them to people from Mongolia? Because that explanation indicates that you are prejudiced against people from Mongolia.
Or do you think it's offensive to people from Mongolia to compare them to people with Down's Syndrome? Because that explanation indicates that you are prejudiced against people with Down's Syndrome.
In short, being offended by that use of the word "Mongoloid" is inherently offensive to those two groups of people.
But THEY are offended by it!
Who knows. Maybe they just hate each other.
Comic #417
April 8 2009
MOUSEOVER TEXT: Apparently this isn't the same chocolate bar Norma offered her before.
In fact, the word "decadent" seems to be related to "decay," indicating a society that has deteriorated to a level where there's no higher enlightenment, only base pleasures. Tooth decay could certainly fit into that kind of future.
TEXT OF COMIC:
Mmmm. I can't wait to eat this chocolate bar. It says "decadent" on the package, so I know it's good.
Yeah, right. No matter how good it tastes, it's full of sugar and it's gonna seriously rot your teeth. You should chew sugarfree gum instead. Here, have some.
"Trident?" Ew. I'll stick with my decadent chocolate, thanks. I don't trust any dental health product with a name that literally means "three teeth."
Doesn't "decadent" literally mean "ten teeth"?
That's a pretty big reduction in tooth loss, you know.
Comic #418
April 9 2009
MOUSEOVER TEXT: Bull, Sharon. I heard that song from my own little cousins well before 2001.
300 years from now, people will probably think today's children's songs are innocent and wholesome. And they will probably also try to interpret them politically.
TEXT OF COMIC:
On top of spaghetti, all covered with cheese,
I shot my poor teacher with a 40-MC.
Thirty years later he rose from the dead,
And I took a bazooka and blew off his head.
Joy to the world, my sitter's dead!
What happened to her head?
I took it from her body
And flushed it down the potty
And around and around it goes!
Are these the nursery rhymes of today?
I think so. Scary, huh?
I don't know about that. Think about the subject matter of early nursery rhymes and folk songs. I mean, cutting tails off blind mice? Putting a baby in a tree and watching as the bough breaks and it falls to the ground?
Throwing an old man down the stairs for not saying his prayers? Sitting on a wall and falling down to be smashed into pieces?
Humpty Dumpty doesn't count. He was an egg.
Only in pictures. The rhyme never says he was an egg. And even if he was, he was an anthropomorphic egg, so it's still gruesome.
Actually, I bet he was some kind of royalty. Those nursery rhymes were full of political comments.
My rhyme about shooting teachers is an allegory for the war on Iraq.
Comic #419
April 10 2009
MOUSEOVER TEXT: But you're not too young to think about having kids!
On the one hand, Abby's mom resents her for being young and presumably carefree... but on the other hand, she doesn't really want Abby to think about death, because in her reasoning, if Abby is old enough to think about death, then Abby's mom herself must be a few steps from the grave.
TEXT OF COMIC:
You know what I hate about young people? You don't give your own mortality a single thought. You think you're going to live forever.
What? Mom, I'm taking sociology and statistics this semester. I am vividly aware of how many people my age die each year. And ever since I started college, I've had a notebook in my dorm where I've written down my wishes in the event of my death, just in case.
What? That's terrible! You're too young to be thinking about things like that now!
You know what I hate about old people? You're hypocrites.
Comic #420
April 13 2009
MOUSEOVER TEXT: but IF they COULD be fascist anarchists, it still wouldn't give Ferris a car.
Seriously, the guy is only honest to two people in the whole movie. His immense popularity among everyone at his school is based completely on lies. What's he going to do with all the money they're raising to save him from his fictitious illness?
TEXT OF COMIC:
You look angry, Abby.
I was thinking about Ferris Beuller.
Do you always get angry when you think about Ferris Beuller?
Yes. He's an egocentric, lying, manipulative jerk. And he says that he doesn't care about European socialism, because "they could be fascist anarchists and it wouldn't change the fact that I don't have a car."
You're offended by his self-centeredness?
Yes, but mostly his "fascist anarchists" line. No, they couldn't be fascist anarchists! Fascism is the opposite of anarchy!
What? No it's not.
Yes it is! Fascism is all power to the government, anarchy is no government.
But they're both bad. How can they be opposites when they're both bad?
Opposites usually are both bad! Opposites are extremes. You don't want an extreme. You want something comfortably in between. You want something moderate.
Isn't "moderate" the opposite of "extreme"?
That was not my point.
Comic #421
April 14 2009
MOUSEOVER TEXT: John and I are dressing up as a pirate and a parrot this Halloween.
Some of you may be wondering why I don't comment very much on current events in my comic. Well, the short answer is: Because Abby and Norma are time travelers who came here from the distant past, where nobody knows anything about current events.
Let me explain. I'm a busy person. I work 40 hours a week, I have a published book and I give speeches. With my husband. I have a husband. One who cares about spending time with me. Putting a few hours into a comic every day is just not an option for me, as it is for some other artists. So I do it in spurts.
I usually get at least two "Abby and Norma" ideas a day. Sometimes more. I jot them down in a notebook. Then, when I get time, I write them down in a text file on my computer: pure dialogue, exactly as I'm going to paste it into the comic. Plus the alt text and the little blog post. And those undrawn comics just pile up there. Significantly faster than I can post them, or even draw them.
When I get an afternoon to myself, I pull out that list of dialogues and draw ten to twenty comics (they take about five minutes each to draw) and then I upload them to my website and tell it when to auto-post them.
At the moment I write this, it is October 6th, 2008. If I died right now, "Abby and Norma" would continue to post every weekday until January 12th, 2009. That's how many drawn comics I have. And I have enough written-down ideas to last me until late April. By the time you read this, I will most likely have enough to last me into 2010.
So, that's why my comic never seems to discuss the latest happenings in the world. They haven't happened yet.
I do kind of live in fear that some completely innocent comic will be rendered horribly tasteless by some unexpected tragedy that happens to occur at the same time it's posted. Or, worse, that some other comic artist will come up with an idea very similar to mine and I won't notice it until my comic has posted three days after someone else's clone of it, thus looking as if I stole it when I actually wrote it first. But these are the challenges faced by people who meddle with reality, sending messages into the future in this most unnatural fashion.
TEXT OF COMIC:
I'm writing a story about a planet where the people are parrots and the parrots are people.
Huh? You mean the dominant species is this big feathery squawky being, and they keep little caged humanoids as pets?
No, actually they're just like us--they even speak the same language. The only difference is that the words "parrots" and "people" are switched in meaning.
I don't think bringing this story into existence is in the best interests of the common parrots.
Stop mindlessly peopling the words of idiots, Norma.
Comic #422
April 15 2009
MOUSEOVER TEXT: I is a pronoun. You is a pronoun. We is a pronoun.
If you can say "there is a group of people," or "there is a collection of stamps," or "there is a family of white-breasted nuthatches," then you can say "there is a bunch of assignments." So there.
TEXT OF COMIC:
Do you want to watch a movie tonight?
No, there's a bunch of assignments I have to work on.
Don't you mean "there ARE a bunch of assignments?"
No. "Bunch" is singular.
But "assignments" is plural.
Then why did you use the word "is" just now?
Okay, now I'm sure you're just messing with me.
Comic #423
April 16 2009
MOUSEOVER TEXT: She should at least say 'If you're a weirdo, I HAVE WAYS OF FINDING OUT!'
Hans is right. Seriously. It's like going on vacation and leaving your door wide open with a sign on it saying "Please don't come in and steal my valuables."
TEXT OF COMIC:
Online dating services are so funny.
If you have a sick sense of humor.
You should date this girl, Hans.
Nope, I can't. Her profile specifically says "no weirdos."
I don't think she means weirdos like you. I think she means creepy predators.
Well, then she's a blithering idiot. I mean, seriously, what creepy predator is going to be all like, "Oh, too bad, this girl doesn't like creepy predators-- I guess I better not email her"?
You seem to be suspiciously familiar with the way creepy predators think.
You seem to be suspiciously familiar with the way blithering idiots think.
Comic #424
April 17 2009
MOUSEOVER TEXT: Abby is only willing to walk downtown if she's wearing a Borg costume.
I don't know a whole lot of French, but I think "ette" is really a diminutive ending rather than a feminine one. Or maybe it's both. But I was hesitant to do a joke equating "internette" with "female intern."
TEXT OF COMIC:
We should totally apply for this internship.
Which one?
This one. We could get school credits and earn money, and all we'd have to do is proofread advertising flyers for a company.
But it's downtown. That's, like, a long walk from here.
I bet we can do it online. They've really got no excuse not to offer that option. I mean, they could just email us the flyers.
I've never heard of doing an internship online.
We could call ourselves "The Internettes!"
That joke would probably look better on paper than it sounded out loud.
Comic #425
April 20 2009
MOUSEOVER TEXT: it's contagious!
Here I demonstrate that I can paste hands over a face in Gimp.
TEXT OF COMIC:
"So, in conclusion, I believe I would be an excellent candidate for the internship. I will be quick to learn the intern-al workings of your company, and I hope you will read this application as soon as it has been in-turned."
That's horrible! You didn't... You didn't demonstrate any capabilities besides a dubious skill at making puns on the word "intern."
It's a proofreading position. I demonstrated my skill with language.
Someone please put this girl in an internment camp.
Comic #426
April 21 2009
MOUSEOVER TEXT: Thank goodness this is over.
Of course, she didn't really want the job. She just wanted to write the application.
TEXT OF COMIC:
"Dear applicant: We have looked over each application in tern, and have concluded that yours has set an intern-ational record for the worst application in all internity. Your so-called wit is the sort of thing that has made our founder tern-in his grave ever since he was interred."
"Thanks for your interest and we wish you luck elsewhere."
Told you so.
This is obviously an acceptance letter in disguise.
Comic #427
April 22 2009
MOUSEOVER TEXT: And if they had been known to eat beings similar to us.
Chickadees don't take a long time to trust birdfeeders. They'll even eat while you refill it. I think it's because they know they're fast and sneaky enough to get away if you ever tried to hurt them.
TEXT OF COMIC:
Feeding birds with a birdfeeder is kind of weird, when you think about it.
I wonder what it seems like from the birds' perspective.
I mean, what if we went to another planet and there were aliens there who kept putting huge stockpiles of our favorite foods out in the woods for us, just because they ENJOYED WATCHING US EAT?
Probably we would take a long time to learn to trust them.
Especially if they hung around nearby with binoculars.
Comic #428
April 23 2009
MOUSEOVER TEXT: Garlic is licking a gar. Italic is licking an ital. Kilik is a palindrome.
Puffs the facial tissues
are full of soothing lotion,
even if your nose contains
more fluid than an ocean...
TEXT OF COMIC:
"Puff the magic dragon
lived by the sea,
and frolicked in the autumn mist..."
What's 'frolicking'?
Licking a 'fro.
What's a 'fro?
A puffy hairdo.
Oh. Is that why he was named Puff?
As far as you know.
Comic #429
April 24 2009
MOUSEOVER TEXT: Motto bottom.
No offense to people whose last name is actually "Hansmann." It's a perfectly good last name.
TEXT OF COMIC:
Hey, what's up, Hans-man?
"Hans-man"? That sounds so stupid.
I thought it sounded cool.
I used to know a guy named Dan. Everyone called him "Dan-man." THAT sounded cool. "Hans-man" sounds like crap.
Thank goodness your name isn't Otto.
"Otto-man"! That would be terrible!
Otto! Otto! Otto!
Repeating a palindromic word three times is a cheap palindrome, Ron.
Otto-man! Epic! I pen a motto!
Better.
Comic #430
April 27 2009
MOUSEOVER TEXT: oomox is aural sex
Better than the joke about the Ferengi in the gorilla suit.
TEXT OF COMIC:
Hey!
What, Abby?
What kind of antibiotic do you use for an ear infection?
Huh?
Oomox-icillin!
That's "amoxicillin." And why did you answer your own question just now?
It wasn't a question, it was a Ferengi joke. Come on, didn't you watch Deep Space Nine?
Ear infections aren't funny.
But Ferengi are funny. Come on, Norma. You're ruining the comedic effect.
That joke deserved to be ruined.
Comic #431
April 28 2009
MOUSEOVER TEXT: It could also mean 'a pineapple with a tail.'
Hey, I'm sorry. Gimp doesn't allow tildes.
According to Wikipedia, it means "strained pineapple"... which makes sense, I guess, since a "colander" is a strainer. But I've never heard "colar" used to mean "strain." Maybe I haven't talked with Spanish chefs enough.
TEXT OF COMIC:
What kind of fruit juice is that?
It's pina colada flavored.
Wonder what "pina colada" means, anyway. You know Spanish. You should be able to tell me.
I'm not sure. "Pina" means "pineapple," but "colada" isn't really familiar to me. It sounds as if it should be the past participle of "colar."
What does "colar" mean?
Well, I don't know if it has more than one meaning, but in Spain it means "to cut in front of someone in line."
So this is... a pineapple that has had someone cut in front of it in line. Remind me to guard my place in line diligently from now on. I don't want to end up as a sperm-colored liquid.
You won't. You're not a pineapple.
Comic #432
April 29 2009
MOUSEOVER TEXT: Drinking Bird toys drink water, but have dichloromethane in their tummies.
Fun fact: doves and pigeons are the only birds that can drink without lifting their heads to tip the liquid down their throats.
TEXT OF COMIC:
When I was a kid, I heard someone use the word "T-bird," and I thought it meant a bird that drinks tea. I pictured something like those Drinking Bird toys, bobbing its face in and out of a teacup.
Weird. Could a bird really drink tea? You'd think the caffeine would be really bad for them or something.
I don't know. I'm not an expert on drinking birds.
When you say "drinking birds," do you mean the toys, or real birds that drink? Or are you using "drinking" as a transitive verb? Because I know more about birds that drink than I know about the act of drinking a bird.
Hey, you can drink chicken broth. That's a bird.
Eww. I don't want to think about that.
I guess if I were recommending drinks to birds, I'd recommend tea over, like, beer or something.
But I hope never to be in that position.
Not Pilsner, wrens! Lipton!
Comic #433
April 30 2009
MOUSEOVER TEXT: Abby is never too tired for a pun.
When I count sheep they always do weird stuff. Like, instead of jumping over the fence, one of them will run straight through it and be cut into several pieces, which then reassemble themselves on the other side. And the next one will shrink down to a tiny size and walk through a gap in the fence. And the next one will tunnel under. And the next one will build an airplane and fly over. And the next one will set off a bomb and blow the fence down. And the next one will walk a few feet to the side and open the gate and walk through.
TEXT OF COMIC:
I haven't been able to sleep for a week. I just lie there in bed and try to relax, but my brain keeps being way too active.
Like, I start counting sheep, and then I think about why people developed the custom of counting sheep, and whether most people dream about sheep, because I can't remember ever having a dream about sheep myself, and then I think about the book "Do Androids Dream of Electric Sheep," and before I know it my mind is replaying scenes from "Bladerunner" when I'm supposed to be relaxing.
And then if I do manage to sleep a little, I have dreams about being awake and going to school and going to work, and then as soon as I get home I wake up and realize it's a dream, and I've got to go through the whole day again, and I've been cheated out of my night. I can't stand it!
Abby, I'm busy. Can you please not try to have a conversation about sleep with me?
If I were less tired, I'd joke about the fact that you just said "Sleep with me."
Oh, lord. I really hope that isn't an attempt at flirting. I hate it when people are romantically attracted to me. You're not romantically attracted to me, are you?
No, I just don't like it when people end sentences with propositions.
Comic #434
May 1 2009
MOUSEOVER TEXT: do zebras wear bras on their udders?
In the stockroom where I used to work, the bras hung on a Z-rack. This is a rolling rack that is shaped like a Z when seen from above. There is also a rack that looks like an I when seen from above. I like to call that one an Iraq.
TEXT OF COMIC:
Female zebras must be very well-endowed.
What?
Well, think about it. Bra sizes get bigger the farther you go in the alphabet: A, B, C, D and so on. A Z-bra would have to be huge.
How are things down there on the floor?
Ow. I think my butt is going to swell up. I'll need Z-underpants.
Comic #435
May 4 2009
MOUSEOVER TEXT: For Abby, the more random, the more fun.
My husband and I used to work at MAARS (Midwest Avian Adoption and Rescue Services), a shelter for homeless pet birds. My husband once said "I'm from MAARS" to a complete stranger, assuming she would understand what he meant. My husband is like that.
TEXT OF COMIC:
I never seem to see Mars bars anymore.
That's weird. I mean, the company is called "Mars, Inc.," but they hardly sell any Mars bars.
I'd love to be a vendor for Mars, Inc. I could go around to stores saying, "Hey everyone! I'm from Mars!"
You could do that anyway.
Actually, that might be more fun.
Comic #436
May 5 2009
MOUSEOVER TEXT: Dummy.
Abby can be so mean sometimes.
TEXT OF COMIC:
Hi, Abby! I'm a teddy bear!
No, you're a kid with a teddy bear. Try not to confuse those two concepts. It's an important difference.
How do you like my ventriloquism?
It sucks.
What? No, it doesn't! I'm awesome! I'm drinking water while talking! That's considered a prestigious accomplishment in the ventriloquism world!
You're not drinking water. You're just holding a glass of water up in front of your face to hide the fact that your mouth is moving. That's not an accomplishment, that's cheating. And your voice still sounds as if it's coming from you, not the teddy bear.
I'm Abby, and I'm a whiny critical no-fun person.
You're still not throwing your voice far enough.
Comic #437
May 6 2009
MOUSEOVER TEXT: I doubt Dianetics recognizes that condition.
Get thee behind me, thetan.
TEXT OF COMIC:
"Hypothermia" means not enough heat. "Hypoglycemia" means not enough blood sugar.
Does "hypocritical" mean "not critical enough"?
Maybe "not enough critical thinking about one's opinions."
I'm hypothetical. That means I don't have enough thetans.
Comic #438
May 7 2009
MOUSEOVER TEXT: ha, you thought I was finally going to make a Dear Abby joke, but I didn't
According to Google, Gelina is a real name. Looks as if it can be a first name, or a last name, or the name of a city.
TEXT OF COMIC:
What if my first name were Ann instead of Abby?
And what if my last name were Gelina? Then I'd be Ann Gelina!
And what if I married a guy named Joe whose last name was Lee? We'd be Ann Gelina and Joe Lee! That would be terrible!
And what if you actually used your vast brainpower for something worthwhile?
Ar-gen-tina,
don't you cry for me!
Cause my name is Ann Gelina,
and I'm married to Joe Lee!
Comic #439
May 8 2009
MOUSEOVER TEXT: Tiramisu made out of tiramisu-flavored ladyfinger cookies!
Comic, comic, palindromic.
I love Ron.
TEXT OF COMIC:
Oh, wow. These are the best cookies POSSIBLE.
That's a very strong statement. Are you sure? You're certain no one in the universe could ever devise a better cookie?
Well... I don't know. If they were like this but with a layer of strawberry glaze on top, they might be better.
I think the best possible cookies would be some kind of hazelnut cookies. I love hazelnuts.
Oreo cookies with cheesecake centers!
Reverse chocolate chip cookies! Chocolate with cookie chips in it!
Tiramisu-flavored ladyfinger cookies!
Seiko octet cookies!
I'm not sure I want to know.
Comic #440
May 11 2009
MOUSEOVER TEXT: The fourth. I refuse to let you search my house without a warrant.
According to the Bible, the Sabbath day is the seventh day. But since weeks are cyclical, you can set any day you want as the seventh. I pick Wednesday. No reason, I just don't feel like working on Wednesdays.
TEXT OF COMIC:
Hey, Abby! Do you want to help me with my homework this weekend?
I, um, I have other stuff to do.
Yeah right. What?
I plead the fourth.
You mean the right to remain silent? That's the fifth, not the fourth.
I... I knew that. I didn't mean the fourth Amendment. I meant the fourth Commandment.
Which is?
Depending on how you count them, either "keep the Sabbath holy" or "honor your mother and father."
I won't work on the weekend, AND I have to visit my parents. So you get to do your own homework.
Shut up.
Comic #441
May 12 2009
MOUSEOVER TEXT: I'm a valley girl. Silicon Valley, to be precise.
I don't think you can make a movie to replace another movie, Abby. The movie industry does not work that way.
TEXT OF COMIC:
I hate the movie "Raising Arizona."
I want to make a movie to replace it. It will be called "Raisin' California."
And it will feature anthropomorphic raisins singing "I Heard it Through the Grapevine"?
No, contrary to everyone's expectations, it will be about a futuristic project to save the state of California from the rising sea level.
Comic #442
May 13 2009
MOUSEOVER TEXT: Logically, he will also do it if you go to hell, Abby.
This is one argument that I think Chrissy won. I've never liked the law that in an infinite amount of time everything that can happen will happen. It certainly doesn't apply to events that take an infinite amount of time, like something lasting forever.
TEXT OF COMIC:
I'm taking evolutionary biology next semester.
If you do that, you're not going to heaven.
Well, I don't want to go to heaven. I have religious and scientific proof that God will torture and rape us all in heaven.
Religious AND scientific proof?
Yes. The scientific part of the proof is the law that, given an infinite amount of time, everything that can happen will happen.
The religious parts are as follows: A. that heaven provides us with an infinite amount of time, and B. that God can do anything, therefore, given an infinite amount of time, he will do everything. Including torture and rape.
Hmm. But if God can do anything, that means he can also go an infinite amount of time WITHOUT torturing and raping. So by your logic, won't he do that as well?
See? The concept of an omnipotent God always causes logical contradictions.
I think the logical contradiction is in your so-called scientific law.
Comic #443
May 14 2009
MOUSEOVER TEXT: Maybe a pro football player can be used in place of a football player?
Proverbs that begin with imperative verbs are sometimes workable in that context.
TEXT OF COMIC:
If a pronoun can be used in place of a noun, then can a proverb be used in place of a verb?
I don't know. I've never heard anyone say "I can't go shopping with you because I have to 'A penny saved is a penny earned.'"
Or "Hey, if I cook, you have to 'Cleanliness is next to godliness' the dishes."
"If this party gets any more boring, I'm gonna 'Two is company and three's a crowd.'"
"Are you going to do your homework or are you going to 'Ignorance is bliss'?"
"You're about to buy from that dude on eBay without even reading his feedback? You better 'Look before you leap.'"
That one kind of worked.
Comic #444
May 15 2009
MOUSEOVER TEXT: Those rigid leashes are not real invisible dogs.
I had a dream about a dog like this last night. He comes running whenever you hold out your hand to pet him. You don't feel any difference, you just feel as if you're scritching the air, but he loves it as much as any dog. Just trust that he's giving you intangible dog kisses every time.
Basically it requires a willingness to love a creature whose existence you never have any physical proof of. (When I described this dog to my husband, he said I must be confusing "dog" with "God.")
TEXT OF COMIC:
I really wish I could have a dog in my dorm.
For two hundred bucks I'll sell you an invisible dog.
An invisible dog.
Yeah. In fact, he's not just invisible. He's inaudible, intangible-- imperceptible to all human senses.
Why would I want a dog like that?
Well, the campus authorities would never notice him. And you don't have to worry about cleaning up after him. Even if he poops all over your dorm, you can't see it, feel it or smell it, so it doesn't matter.
What would I feed him?
For twenty bucks a month I'll keep you supplied with invisible, intangible dog food.
But what if he runs away? What if he dies? I could spend years taking care of a dog that wasn't even there, and I'd never know it.
Or is that the whole point of selling me this dog?
Aww, you're onto me.
Comic #445
May 18 2009
MOUSEOVER TEXT: If your language doesn't have plurals, is your psychology different?
Every basic law of human psychology can be demonstrated in a social experiment involving farts.
TEXT OF COMIC:
Plurals are kind of weird, actually. Why is the difference between one and two so important?
One of us is a "person." Two of us are "people." But there isn't another word for three of us, or eight, or twenty-six, or a hundred.
I think we focus on the difference between one and two because relationships and interaction are so vital to humans. Two is the smallest number of people that can interact, that can have a relationship. That's why the difference between one and two is the only difference that matters.
Actually, the difference between two and three matters, as well. We have the words "both" and "all." Is there a psychological explanation for that?
Well, the difference between two and three is kind of important in human interaction, I guess.
I mean, if there are two people in a room and one of them farts, both of them know who did it. But if there are three or more, only one person knows.
Ah, yes. The assignment of gaseous blame is indeed one of the central pillars of civilization.
Comic #446
May 19 2009
MOUSEOVER TEXT: If you had a high number, partners who saw the bed might be hesitant.
Trouble is, it couldn't keep track of anything that happened outside of that bed. For more adventurous sleepers, the number it displayed might be inaccurate.
TEXT OF COMIC:
Abby, you have a very thoughtful look on your face. I wonder what deep philosophical ideas are brewing in there.
I was just thinking, what if the "sleep number bed" was a bed that kept track of the number of people you slept with?
I guess deep philosophical ideas are never there when I expect them to be.
"What's your sleep number?"
"A gentleman never tells."
Comic #447
May 20 2009
MOUSEOVER TEXT: Aw, that was mean, Karen.
Actually, in my experience, nearly all mothers use circular reasoning. It's a lot easier to say "You have to do it because you have to do it" than to try and explain why.
TEXT OF COMIC:
Karen, I cannot believe you drew on your new shirt in permanent marker! Do you have any idea how much that cost me?
I can still wear it. I don't mind.
Well, I do mind! If other people see you in a shirt with marker all over it, they'll think I'm a bad mother!
Why will they think you're a bad mother?
Because they'll think I'm not making sure your clothes are in good shape!
Why would that make you a bad mother? How is that harmful to me, if I don't care about marker on my shirt?
Because other people will have a bad opinion of you if they see you like that.
What bad opinion?
That you've got a bad mother.
You are a bad mother. Good mothers don't use circular reasoning.
Comic #448
May 21 2009
MOUSEOVER TEXT: every pie you bake, every leaf you rake...
Being stalked by a dead guy is possibly more scary than being stalked by a live guy.
Anyway, I think Norma is mixing up "I'll be Watching You" by Sting and "I'll be Missing You" by Puff Daddy. Hip-hop artists have a confusing habit of stealing big chunks from other people's songs.
TEXT OF COMIC:
I'll be watching you...
That song is disturbing.
It totally makes me think about a creepy stalker.
Oh, come on. It's about someone who has died, watching over his loved ones from heaven.
They obviously added that part as an afterthought, to make it sound less stalky. I mean, why would a dead guy say "Oh can't you see, you belong to me"?
Maybe if he wanted you to be faithful to him and never date any live guys.
Or if he really wanted you to die, so you could come and be with him.
I guess it is a creepy song.
Comic #449
May 22 2009
MOUSEOVER TEXT: Somehow this reminds me of the invisible intangible dog.
I think you really do have to campaign in order to be running for president.
TEXT OF COMIC:
Sometimes I think I've known you so long that I know everything there is to know about you.
No way! You don't know that I ran for president in the last election.
That's 'cause you didn't. I would have noticed if you'd been on the ballot.
I wasn't on the ballot. I was waiting for people to write me in.
You were going around telling people to put you down as a write-in candidate?
No, I didn't tell anyone to. I wasn't campaigning. I was just waiting for people to vote for me.
So you think you were "running for president" just because you WANTED people to vote for you?
No, I didn't really want to be president, either. But, you know, people who want to be president probably shouldn't.
I was just running for president-- without campaigning or wanting or even expecting to win.
Well, I'm glad you weren't disappointed.
I did succeed in proving that the definition of "running for president" is pretty vague.
Comic #450
May 25 2009
MOUSEOVER TEXT: I wonder how many customers would be offended at getting extra yolks.
Actually, if they split it up between two customers, you'd each get less than half as much white, because a double-yolked egg has less white than a normal one. And if they only threw away the extra yolk, you'd still get less white than you ordered. So they probably throw away the entire double-yolked egg and replace it with a normal egg.
TEXT OF COMIC:
What happens if the cook in a restaurant is making eggs for you and one of them turns out to be a double-yolked egg? Do you get both yolks, or does some other customer get the second one?
Well, have you ever gotten eggs with more yolks than you ordered?
No, never. So I guess they must give it to someone else.
But if they did, then you'd each get only half as much white. I hate to say it, but I think they throw away double-yolked eggs.
Thanks for making my whole day sad.
Any time.
Comic #451
May 26 2009
MOUSEOVER TEXT: Your MOM is flat.
It takes a lot to get Abby to say "your mom." But this was sufficient.
TEXT OF COMIC:
I don't understand atheists. About 95 percent of people believe in God. How can someone believe that 95 percent of the people in the world are deluded?
Atheists don't believe that 95 percent of people are "deluded." They just believe that 95 percent of people are wrong about one particular thing.
And that's not a stupid thing to believe. There have been plenty of times in history when most people in the world were wrong about something. Like the shape of the earth, for example.
That theory about the earth being round is clearly refuted in the Book of Genesis, you know.
Your MOM is clearly refuted in the Book of Genesis.
Comic #452
May 27 2009
MOUSEOVER TEXT: I like 'absurd' songs, but not 'meaningless' ones. There's a difference.
I'm not specifying which song it is, this time, because there are so very many songs it could be.
TEXT OF COMIC:
That song is so meaningless.
The lyrics are the most inane collection of generic words that has come into being on this planet ever since the Beatles wrote "Love Me Do."
I like the tune, though! It has zip to it.
That sentence could be interpreted as meaning "It has nothing to it."
Zip it, Abby.
Comic #453
May 28 2009
MOUSEOVER TEXT: Singular of hemipenes?
Happiness is getting your mind out of the gutter? How profound.
TEXT OF COMIC:
What does "ha'penny" mean?
It means "halfpenny."
Oh.
Then what does "happiness" mean?
It means get your mind out of the gutter.
Comic #454
May 29 2009
MOUSEOVER TEXT: the Interminator came back and prevented Abby from getting her internship
The idea of such a temporal loop does toy with the idea of determinism. Those who value free will may find it rather disturbing.
TEXT OF COMIC:
"The Terminator" is a kind of ridiculous movie series.
I mean, the robot basically comes back in time to prevent his own existence. You can't go back in time to prevent your own existence! If you were going to do that, then you already wouldn't exist!
Well, I guess the same goes for changing the past in any way. If you were going to change it, then it would already be the way you were going to change it to.
I think the reason I don't have any siblings is because a robot is someday going to come back in time and convince my mom not to have any more kids.
He's predestined to do it, I guess. He's the Predeterminator.
Comic #455
June 1 2009
MOUSEOVER TEXT: Actually a Vegan is someone from the Vega star system. Or Las Vegas.
And when an "e" comes before a "g," it's usually either a long "e" before a hard "g" or a short "e" before a soft "g." That explains the "vee" part.
In other news, yesterday was my last day as a 27-year-old. Too bad. I liked 27; it was a nice cube number, three to the power of itself (1000 in base 3). I'll miss it.
28 is a pretty good number too, I guess. A perfect number, actually. But I'm still looking forward to 29, which is the next time I can start joking about being in the prime of life.
TEXT OF COMIC:
I'm not going to say the word "vegan" any more.
You're not?
Well, not that way. I'm going to pronounce it "vedge-an."
I mean, why should it be pronounced "vee-gan" when the words "vegetable" and "vegetarian" are both pronounced with a soft "g"?
Because the words "vegetable" and "vegetarian" both have an "e" after the "g." When a "g" comes before an "e" or an "i," it's soft. When it comes before an "a," "o" or "u," it's hard.
What about the words "get" and "give"?
Exceptions to the rule.
If I don't allow exceptions to my dietary rules, I'm not going to allow exceptions to my linguistic rules either.
Then you don't get to speak English.
Comic #456
June 2 2009
MOUSEOVER TEXT: give a little bit, give a little bit of your life for me
I'm not sure about the whole time paradox thing. People say that changing the past would create a paradox, and that it's therefore impossible. But saying "This sentence is a lie" creates a paradox, and that doesn't make that sentence impossible to say.
TEXT OF COMIC:
Would you give your life to save my life, if you had to?
Give how much of my life?
The rest of it.
The rest of it after when? I suppose I'd be willing to agree to die a couple months earlier than I would otherwise, if it would save your life.
I mean the rest of your life after the moment you choose to save me.
Do I get to know how much longer I would have lived otherwise? Do I get to know how much longer you're going to live if I stop you from dying right away?
You know, forget it.
I sure wouldn't give my WHOLE life. That would require going back in time and preventing my birth, and I really don't like paradoxes.
Comic #457
June 3 2009
MOUSEOVER TEXT: Maybe sadistic chocolate enjoys making you fat and unhealthy.
But when you spell a word backwards, you get the opposite of its meaning. Why else would "stressed" spelled backwards be "desserts"?
TEXT OF COMIC:
Cathy is so sadistic.
I don't know. She's a lot less refined than the Marquis de Sade.
What?
Sadism-- the enjoyment of other people's pain-- is named after the Marquis de Sade. Masochism-- the enjoyment of one's own pain-- is named after Leopold von Sacher-Masoch.
What does "Sacher" mean?
I don't know. A "Sachertorte" is a very intense chocolate cake.
I wonder if chocolate is sadistic or masochistic.
Hmm. The Marquis de Sade is said to have used chocolate laced with Spanish fly on many of his conquests.
But, on the other hand, chocolate truffles are one of the best kinds of chocolate, and "truffles" spelled backwards is "selffurt," which sounds like "self-hurt," which sounds masochistic.
Chocolate must enjoy being bitten. Why else would it taste so good?
Comic #458
June 4 2009
MOUSEOVER TEXT: Splat's the way the monkey goes. Pop goes the weasel.
This comic was somehow inspired by a jack-in-the-box containing a sock monkey, which I stocked in the backroom at work. I think I need better things to think about.
TEXT OF COMIC:
The weasel thought that he was too thin!
He was a stupid weasel!
He pumped himself up with a bicycle pump...
Pop goes the weasel!
That's horrible.
Hey, it makes more sense than a weasel spontaneously exploding while being chased by a monkey.
Comic #459
June 5 2009
MOUSEOVER TEXT: Abby's bellybutton is based on my husband John's. That was probably TMI.
Having an Audi, however, is okay.
TEXT OF COMIC:
Does the doctor who cuts your umbilical cord get to choose whether you get an innie or an outie?
Maybe. But I don't think people are supposed to have outies. I think if you have an outie by the time you're an adult, the doctor did it wrong.
But still, there are varying degrees of innie-ness. I mean, mine is an infinite tunnel. I've never been able to find the end of it. I suspect that during the late stages of fetal development, its connection to my stomach never closed off completely.
That was too much information.
I could probably still eat through it if I wanted.
Comic #460
June 8 2009
MOUSEOVER TEXT: I actually had a similar conversation with someone a long time ago.
Language nerds do not necessarily become aware of the pronunciation of words that are rarely spoken aloud.
TEXT OF COMIC:
I'm so silly. I used to think that "votive" was pronounced to rhyme with "motive."
Um, that IS how it's pronounced, Abby.
Oh.
Well, in that case: I'm so silly. I used to think "votive" was pronounced to rhyme with "leave."
And you call yourself a language nerd.
Comic #461
June 9 2009
MOUSEOVER TEXT: But a fake diamond is still a real rock, usually.
It's only a matter of time before diamond retailers start advertising diamonds as St. Patrick's Day gifts. They've done every other holiday, almost.
TEXT OF COMIC:
I think it's funny to call a fake diamond a "shamrock."
But that doesn't make sense. If a fake diamond were called a "shamrock," then fake dog crap would be called "shampoo," and faking an injury would be called "champagne."
If every prefix always had the same meaning regardless of what word it was in, then probably more than half of English words wouldn't make sense.
You're saying they do?
Comic #462
June 10 2009
MOUSEOVER TEXT: I read that article too. There may be something in it, but not for me.
Once again, some of these comics are more autobiographical than others.
TEXT OF COMIC:
I don't think you really have Asperger's, Abby.
I read an article about how spending too much time on the Internet can cause social awkwardness. I bet that's what happened to you. Your doctor just jumped at the chance to diagnose you with something. It happens all the time.
Well, that would be kind of a time paradox. I was diagnosed when I was ten, and I didn't have the Internet until I was in college.
You didn't have the Internet? What did you do for fun, then?
I read books. I read hundreds of books. I read books instead of having friends. Do you think that might have made me socially awkward?
Well... no, actually I think you wouldn't have spent so much time reading books if you weren't already socially awkward.
Exactly. And that's also what I think about spending too much time on the Internet.
Comic #463
June 11 2009
MOUSEOVER TEXT: Otherwise why would we have the word 'fathead'?
There's research that seems to suggest that autistics have larger, heavier brains, and that they don't experience the huge brain cell die-off that most people have in the late fetal stages. So perhaps an over-large brain has advantages as well as disadvantages-- it can accomplish amazing feats of thought, but the crowding of neurons may make it difficult to do more basic things. (I've heard that children have more brain cells than adults, too.)
TEXT OF COMIC:
My computer's acting weird. I should ask Hans about it.
You think Hans would know what to do?
Well, he says he knows a lot about computers.
People are always wrong about how smart they are, though.
You want proof? Just ask anyone what the circumference of his own head is. An average head is about two feet around. But almost everyone will guess wrong.
What does that have to do with intelligence? People with bigger heads don't necessarily know more. And most people guess wrong about head circumference because most people have trouble calculating the circumference of anything. Not because they have delusions about their intelligence.
Besides, I think most people will UNDERestimate their head circumference, and you seem to think people OVERestimate their intelligence.
Fatter heads are actually stupider.
If you say so.
Comic #464
June 12 2009
MOUSEOVER TEXT: you could avoid the problem altogether by saying 'if he took CSC 399'
Actually, I took every level of college English, and nobody ever told me about that, either. But I still think it's true.
TEXT OF COMIC:
Hmm. I'm not sure Hans can fix your computer. It seems to have some pretty complicated stuff wrong with it.
Hans can fix anything. He says he was in Computer Science 399 last semester.
Hmm... Well, if he was in CSC 399, I guess he might have a chance.
Don't you mean "if he WERE in CSC 399"?
I don't think so. I'm talking about the possibility that Hans really was in that class last year. If I said "If he WERE in CSC 399," I wouldn't be talking about the past, I'd be talking about a hypothetical alternate present where Hans would currently be taking that class.
Nobody told me about that exception to the subjunctive laws.
Well, you haven't taken English 399.
Comic #465
June 15 2009
MOUSEOVER TEXT: 'The nerd hole.' Let's see if this phrase enters popular usage now.
It was actually Janeway's ship, and it fell into a time warp and, um, it got its shape warped some too, and that's how it forgot where it was from.
TEXT OF COMIC:
Ooh! Look, the license plate on that van says "VGR."
Umm... is that an acronym for something?
Are you completely clueless? You're supposed to add vowels and see if you can make a word. That's like, the law of reading license plates.
Um... okay. "Viagra"?
Is your mind always this deep in the gutter? I was thinking of "V'Ger." Remember? Star Trek, the Motion Picture? The Voyager space probe that spends so much time in space that it forgets about its origin and three of the letters in its name, and comes back and tries to destroy Earth?
Is your mind always this deep in the... the nerd hole?
The van was a Plymouth Grand Voyager, too. You fail.
Comic #466
June 16 2009
MOUSEOVER TEXT: You're not sympathetic, you're just pathetic.
Thoughtless people cause so many problems that we all really wish there were a good reason to be mad at people for being thoughtless, but none of our rationales work that well.
TEXT OF COMIC:
My aunt bought me a makeup kit for my birthday this year. A makeup kit! Do I look as if I wear makeup?
Is this an aunt who knows you well?
No, but she's seen me at family gatherings, and I wasn't wearing makeup then, so she should bloody well have deduced that I don't wear it on any kind of regular basis. I am going to interpret this as a nasty comment about my personal habits. She's got an agenda to change me.
I dunno. If she doesn't even know you well, I doubt she's got any kind of interest in convincing you to wear makeup. She probably just didn't think.
Well, being thoughtless is malicious in itself.
No it's not! People don't choose to be thoughtless.
I mean, if people made a conscious choice not to think, that would pretty much go against the whole concept of not thinking.
I asked for sympathy, Norma, not logic.
Comic #467
June 17 2009
MOUSEOVER TEXT: Bicycles are not very bipartisan. They have an agenda against cars.
There are signs like that on the bikes at the store where I work, and it always makes me laugh.
My other job is being an author and public speaker. I don't offer "free speech" very often, though.
TEXT OF COMIC:
I want a new bike.
And I don't want to spend a lot of money on it, but I don't want to buy one in the box and assemble it, either.
Well, the big retail store downtown has bikes. I've seen signs saying "free assembly" on them, too.
Huh. I always thought that meant that the store had granted bikes the right to freedom of assembly.
Well, there are a lot of bikes there. You never know. It could be a political meeting.
Comic #468
June 18 2009
MOUSEOVER TEXT: 'I don't care too much for money'? I mean, seriously.
I actually saw a discussion on the internet once where people were debating the interpretation of a certain song about a wedding, and someone claimed that the narrator of the song could not actually be the groom in the wedding, because the singer who sings the song was not married or engaged. That floored me.
TEXT OF COMIC:
Is it just me, or is popular music enormously insincere?
I mean, a rock star singing "I wanna be a rock star"? A multimillionaire singing "If I had a million dollars"?
Oh, come on. Songs don't have to tell the truth about the person who sings them. Do you expect the narrator of every novel to say only things that are true about the author?
No, it's just-- I guess fictional songs aren't as recognized as fictional books. People don't always expect a book to be true, but they expect a song to be true.
Seriously? You expect songs to be true? "Monster Mash"? "On Top of Spaghetti"? "Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer"?
You are missing my point.
Comic #469
June 19 2009
MOUSEOVER TEXT: You'll thank me when badly organized bookshelves don't conquer your planet.
Did you know the word "diaper" is in the official Star Trek encyclopedia? I did not know this.
However, unlike the entries for "marriage" and other ordinary English words, this entry makes absolutely no mention of alien variations on the concept. Come on-- aliens must have some pretty weird diapers! In high school I once wrote a story in which there was an alien species that went through a larval stage where it gained all its necessary nutrients from inhaling ordinary air, but it exhaled a gas that was deadly to humans. So, when these aliens served on a ship with humans, their baby wore a "diaper" that consisted of a sort of rubber balloon strapped to its exhaling orifice, which had to be removed and replaced with extreme care.
So where is Star Trek's creativity? Seriously, come on.
TEXT OF COMIC:
Abby, I can't believe you could tell just by LOOKING at that book that "Jane Eyre" was the title and "Charlotte Bronte" was the author, instead of the other way around. You are such a nerd that you're absolutely pathetic.
I can't believe you keep picking on me! I was out saving the galaxy when your grandfather was in diapers!
Um, first of all, you're the same age as me. Second, you can't have been "saving the galaxy" from anything except badly organized bookshelves.
And third, my grandfather's in diapers NOW.
EXACTLY MY POINT.
Comic #470
June 22 2009
MOUSEOVER TEXT: Oops... as I was telling you that, the one half second passed. BONK.
I don't know if there actually are any bookstores that offer domestic partner benefits regardless of gender. But Target does! Yay Target!
TEXT OF COMIC:
You look even more annoyed than usual today, Cathy.
I am. My roommate has been whining nonstop about how she has to go to the dentist but can't afford it because she doesn't have insurance or some crap like that.
You know, you can claim her on your insurance.
What?
Our employee insurance plan offers "domestic partner" benefits, regardless of gender. And a domestic partner is just someone you live with and aren't married to.
I don't think they even require you to be romantically involved with the person-- I mean, they can't, because there's no way they could enforce that. So nothing is keeping you from claiming your roommate as a domestic partner, even if you're just friends.
In fact, it would be kind of awesome, because then you'd be "friends with benefits."
You have one half second to run and hide in the coat room before I clobber you.
Comic #471
June 23 2009
MOUSEOVER TEXT: 'oo-ally' is pretty much how the robot pronounces it, actually.
Or at least that you have the good taste to seek out the advice of a cousin who is intellectually superior.
TEXT OF COMIC:
The vowels are A, E, I, O, U, and sometimes Y, right?
Actually, I think Y is always a vowel.
I mean, people say that Y is a consonant in words like "yellow" and "yodel," and that it's a vowel in words like "happy" and "nylon" because then it makes a sound like a long I or a long E. But really, it always makes sounds like that.
If you spelled "yodel" with a double E in place of the Y, it would be pronounced almost exactly the same. But that wouldn't make a double E a consonant. Vowels are letters you pronounce without the top of your mouth touching the bottom of your mouth. And Y is always like that.
For the same reason, I think W is always a vowel, too. You could spell "Wally" with a double O instead of a W, but that wouldn't make O a consonant.
You realize that if I put that down on this worksheet, the teacher's going to slap a big old frowny face sticker on it, right?
You can take solace in the fact that you are intellectually superior to her.
Comic #472
June 24 2009
MOUSEOVER TEXT: Better than watermelon-eating and seed-spitting contests.
At the time I write this, "bungee spitting" turns up one hit on Google, which is in Spanish. It is a forum where someone wrote:
Tengo algunas competencias:
Meo en largo.
Bungee spitting (escupidas bungee)
And someone else replied:
Sera complicado meter toda la soga en la boca, pero me gusta.
I do not know if the original poster has the same definition of bungee spitting that I do, but it's quite possible. I can barely imagine that I'm the only one ever to come up with that phrase. As I write this, it is December 20, 2008. Perhaps by the time this comic posts, the original poster will have explained to the second poster what he really meant.
(I am assuming that it's a "he," because I have trouble imagining a girl being good at "meo en largo.")
TEXT OF COMIC:
Ah, summer.
I think I'll go enter a Popsicle-eating and bungee-spitting contest.
Bungee-spitting?
That's when you eat something so sugary that your spit gets all rubbery, and you let a big string of drool hang out of your mouth and see how far down you can let it hang and still be able to suck it back up into your mouth at the last second before it goes splat on the ground.
I hate to tell you, but I don't think there is a contest for that.
If not, I'll invent one.
Comic #473
June 25 2009
MOUSEOVER TEXT: Maybe iambic hexameter, in fact, depending on whether you accent the 'if.'
I would really like to show it
That I am an awful poet
So I'll also find its nest and break its eggs.
TEXT OF COMIC:
Hey, Abby and Norma! Wanna read a poem I made up?
"A pigeon in the park comes up and begs.
I think that I will break its little legs."
I don't think you wrote that, Sharon.
Huh? Why don't you think she wrote it?
Well, it's iambic pentameter, isn't it? Can a seven-year-old write iambic pentameter?
What's iambic pentameter? I just set it to the tune of "If You're Happy And You Know It, Clap Your Hands."
My God. "Happy And You Know It" is iambic pentameter. This might just have changed my whole view of the poetic world.
Never assume that everything with a fancy name is impossible for seven-year-olds. "Projectile vomiting" is a fancy name too, y'know.
Comic #474
June 26 2009
MOUSEOVER TEXT: There actually is a book by that title. I have stocked it. But not read it.
This was actually pretty dang hard to write. Switching from one person's perspective to another, and repeatedly asking myself "okay, what's Abby thinking, what's Cathy thinking, what does Abby think that Cathy thinks..." -- it's like an extended, extra-nasty Sally-Anne test. Even with the help of lots of personal experience with badly-connected walkie-talkie conversations.
TEXT OF COMIC:
How walkie-talkies make people sound about five times stupider
Person A's perspective:
Abby, this is Cathy. There's a customer who needs a book from the stockroom. It's called "The Italian Millionaire's Virgin Bride."
Sure. What's the title?
I just told you. "The Italian Millionaire's Virgin Bride."
...
She says hurry up because she's gonna be late for work.
How many copies?
Four. One for the customer and three for the shelf.
How many copies?
Four copies!
...
Did you get that?
No. What did you say?
Four copies!
...
Sorry about that, ma'am. She should be on her way soon. Stupid idiot.
Person B's perspective:
Abby, this is Cathy. There's a customer who needs a book from the stockroom.
Sure. What's the title?
I just told you. "The Italian Millionaire's Virgin Bride."
Okay. How many copies?
She says hurry up because she's gonna be late for work.
How many copies?
...
How many copies? And where do you need me to bring it?
Four copies!
And where do you need me to bring it? Is the customer in the romance novel section, or at one of the book search computers, or where?
Did you get that?
No. What did you say?
Four copies!
But where? I can't bring you the book if you don't tell me where to bring it!
Hello?
Fine, I won't bring you your dumb book if you don't want me to. Moron.
Comic #475
June 29 2009
MOUSEOVER TEXT: Cathy is really pathetic. She can't even use Google Maps?
I guess Cathy doesn't really hate everything that I like. I do like shopping at Target stores.
TEXT OF COMIC:
Abby, you have to help me!
What do you need my help for?
Because you know how to use the Internet!
Um... what do you need to do on the Internet?
Abby, I just saw two guys who looked like they were from Saudi Arabia or something.
And?
And one of them was saying. "Is the target in Minneapolis?" And the other one was saying "Yes. Downtown, at the corner of 9th Street and Nicollet Mall."
I need you to go online and look up what's in downtown Minneapolis at 9th and Nicollet Mall. I want to know what they're planning to bomb!
Um... just a second.
Cathy, you're an idiot. It's a Target store.
Oh no! I knew the terrorists hated American shopping!
Comic #476
June 30 2009
MOUSEOVER TEXT: The twinkle in his eye! He's still alive!
Does it really count as a Spoonerism if the transposed letters aren't at the beginnings of the words?
TEXT OF COMIC:
I am out of puns. Today I was trying to think of some horrible piece of wordplay to inflict on you guys, and all that came to mind was the fact that "paper towels" and "toilet paper" can be abbreviated "PT" and "TP," which are, like, the reverse of each other or something. It was pathetic.
What? That's not like you at all, Abby. If you want to make a pun about paper towels, you could at least say something about it being a Spoonerism for "papal towers."
If you want to make a pun about the Pope, you could at least say something about how you can put a space in the name "Popeye's" and change it into "Pope Yes."
If you want to make a pun about the word "Popeye," you could talk about... uh... being just a twinkle in your pop's eye, or something.
You're the best friends ever.
Comic #477
July 1 2009
MOUSEOVER TEXT: Humans are less monogamous than a lot of birds. I like birds.
From time to time I make Shakespeare references for my husband's benefit, largely because he can't stand Shakespeare. Once I told him "You kiss by the book of arithmetic" (merging a quote from Juliet about Romeo with a quote from Romeo about Tybalt, a brilliant juxtaposition that was utterly lost on him).
TEXT OF COMIC:
I wonder why "Romeo and Juliet" is seen as the quintessential love story.
Juliet was thirteen going on fourteen. Romeo probably wasn't much older. They decided they were in love just seconds after meeting for the first time.
And as far as anyone can tell, it was entirely based on physical attraction. There are endless mentions of beauty, but almost nothing about intelligence or character.
If they hadn't killed themselves, the statistical probability of them just getting tired of each other within a year would have been almost 100 percent. How come it's considered the ultimate story of undying love?
Maybe it's because it's so typical of human relationships in the real world.
I hate humans.
Comic #478
July 2 2009
MOUSEOVER TEXT: Is a hypothesis less than a thesis?
Our parrot is named Rain Man. His idea of a song is very squawky and irritating.
TEXT OF COMIC:
You know that song that goes "Hey mister tambourine man, play a song for me"?
Yeah?
I used to think it said "I miss the time the Rain Man played a song for me."
Remember how in the movie "Rain Man," the character sang songs for his brother when he was a kid? I constructed this whole hypothesis about how the scriptwriters must have been inspired by that song. And then I saw the lyrics in print somewhere and my whole hypothesis fell apart.
Well, let's hope you're a respectable scientist who will do the right thing when a hypothesis falls apart.
I have a new hypothesis that the scriptwriters must have heard the lyrics wrong, too.
Comic #479
July 3 2009
MOUSEOVER TEXT: I thought I'd never get to use those pirate costumes again.
Hey, even pirates are God's creatures. You know what they say, Mom-- "forgiveness is divine." That means humans shouldn't forgive people, either, or else we'll be playing God again.
TEXT OF COMIC:
Karen and Sharon! Time for your bath!
Yarrr! I don't want a bath. I hate being clean.
Being clean is good, Sharon. You know what they say. "Cleanliness is next to godliness."
Well, I think it's wrong for any human to play God.
Yet you think it's fine to play "looting murdering pirate."
Comic #480
July 6 2009
MOUSEOVER TEXT: do you mind that the word 'plural' is singular? or that 'verb' is a noun?
It is officially okay to use "Windows" as a singular noun when you are referring to the operating system, and it is officially okay to use "Data" as a singular noun when you are referring to the Star Trek character.
TEXT OF COMIC:
I hate it when plural words stop being used as plurals.
"Data" is the plural of "datum." "Media" is the plural of "medium." But they've basically become substantive nouns now. It's horrible.
There are others too.
Yeah. Like "Windows."
"Windows" doesn't count. It's a computer.
Well, so is "Data."
Comic #481
July 7 2009
MOUSEOVER TEXT: And then you can dial tech support for me.
Cathy is about to decide that the companies that make paper clips are misogynistic too, since she can't get one onto the paper just by giving it a nasty look.
TEXT OF COMIC:
My computer quit working again for no reason.
You know, if you had a Mac, that wouldn't happen.
I don't buy anything from Mac. They're a misogynistic company.
What? You don't even know what "misogynistic" means.
Yes I do. They discriminate against women. I mean, come on, the iPhone? Women can't even use it, because the screen won't sense your fingers if you have long nails!
Cathy, that's like calling a shoe store misogynistic because none of its shoes will fit women who have undergone foot-binding.
What is that supposed to mean?
You know, foot-binding? That ancient custom where they broke women's feet and then tied them up? My point it that foot-binding ITSELF was misogynistic. It restricted a woman's movement, destroyed her independence, made her rely entirely on others.
Remind you of anything you do to your own body?
NO. Now shut up and help me put this paper clip on these schedule sheets.
Comic #482
July 8 2009
MOUSEOVER TEXT: I used to pierce my fingernails and wear little earrings in them.
One could actually debate whether it's more unnatural to cut fingernails or to let them grow as long as they can. If a company makes products that can only be used by people with cut fingernails, is it discriminating against people with a body modification, or in favor of people with a body modification?
Personally, I see long fingernails as less natural, and more like a body modification, than short ones... because in our primitive days, when we were digging up our own food and tearing it up to pieces with our hands, our nails would have been constantly worn down.
In any case, Cathy is not debating naturalness, since her long fingernails are made of acrylic.
TEXT OF COMIC:
Come on, Abby, do you seriously think that having long fingernails is as bad as foot-binding?
I don't think it's AS bad, but I think it's similar.
It's not even close! Foot-binding was forced on women against their will! Long nails are something we choose for ourselves!
Exactly. And therefore you have LESS right to complain about the amount of helplessness it causes you.
If you choose to handicap your own body, you don't get to criticize products for not conforming to your handicap. And you don't get to tell me to open your Coke cans and peel your oranges for you.
Actually, I get to say whatever I want. It's in the Bill of Rights.
Well, okay. But the Bill of Rights doesn't say I have to listen to you.
Comic #483
July 9 2009
MOUSEOVER TEXT: Trapped on whatever block she's on when she has the realization.
I guess when it comes to the risk of vehicular homicide, I trust most people's essential goodness of heart, fear of punishment, and lack of motive to kill me. But I'm not sure I trust their reflexes, coordination and ability to remember traffic rules. I mean, I don't even trust mine enough to drive a car myself.
TEXT OF COMIC:
What are you thinking about, Abby?
I'm thinking about how a car is actually a much more deadly weapon than a gun.
And I'm thinking about how, every time I cross the street, I have about three of those deadly weapons pointed at me, and I just have to trust that they're not going to be used to kill me.
I'm thinking about how this ability to trust total strangers with my life is all that makes it possible for me to leave home and go anywhere at all, and if I ever realize how ridiculous that kind of trust really is, I will be trapped forever.
Remind me never to ask you that question again.
Maybe someday I'll start wearing a collision-proof vest.
Comic #484
July 10 2009
MOUSEOVER TEXT: Who owns the poles, anyway? I think they're neutral territory.
The Little Prince never meant his insight to be used that way.
TEXT OF COMIC:
It was silly how they used to say "The sun never sets on the British Empire."
The sun set thousands of times on it every day!
Remember "The Little Prince"? The more of a planet you own, the more sunsets you can see in a day, if you're willing to travel throughout your territory. As you conquer more and more land, you increase your total number of sunsets, you don't reduce it to nothing.
Well, obviously they meant that the sun never set anyplace in the empire without rising somewhere else. It never set on the whole empire, leaving it all in darkness.
Yeah, I know... but it's really silly that they'd make that kind of boast.
I mean, a statement like that doesn't even imply that you have a lot of territory. If you say that it's never night all over your empire, all you'd have to own is two points on opposite sides of the world. You could own, like, two square inches and still have an empire the sun never set on.
I'd like to see you travel back in time and explain their illogic to them.
They could also have done it by owning both the North Pole and the South Pole.
Comic #485
July 13 2009
MOUSEOVER TEXT: They won't pay quite as much for permed or dyed hair, though. Sorry, Cathy.
Actually, it's hard to call her "selfish" for leaving her hair long, when selling her hair and donating $300 of the proceeds could still leave her with a cool $700.
However, Abby's sentiment needs some disclaimers. It really is possible to sell long hair for $1000, on sites like Hairtrader.com, but it's a risk, since there's no way to make sure the buyers are what they seem. Some buyers send fraudulent checks and money orders; others won't pay until after you send them the hair; others turn out to be interested in videotaping your haircut instead of buying the hair itself. So if you're not up to going through a lot of uncertainty in order to sell your hair, donating it is probably the best option.
(And never try to sell or donate any more hair than just above the ponytail holder. I recommend braiding the hair, tying off both the top and the bottom of the braid, and cutting it just above the top. I tried to sell more than this, once, and everything above the binder got hopelessly matted during the haircut, despite the stylist's best efforts. Of course, that could just be because my hair is very fine and tangle-prone... it probably wouldn't have been any good in a wig anyway.)
TEXT OF COMIC:
Your hair is way too long.
You're so selfish. You should donate it to cancer victims.
Everyone tells me that! And it makes no sense!
Did you even know that wigmakers will pay $1000 for a good head of hair? That's $1000 just for the raw material to make a wig!
You see what that means? A wig made of real hair is a huge luxury. It's the Vuitton bag of hairpieces. Donating your hair to cancer victims is like donating solid gold scalpels to a cancer hospital-- it's nice, but you could really have accomplished a lot more charity with the same amount of money.
If, and I repeat IF I ever cut my hair, I'm going to sell it and donate about $300 of the proceeds to Unicef. I mean, Unicef claims they can save a kid's life from diarrheal dehydration on just $1, so that's got to be better than putting an egregious status symbol on one little bald kid.
"If and I repeat IF?" See, you are selfish.
At least it's a well-informed selfishness.
Comic #486
July 14 2009
MOUSEOVER TEXT: Down of Devotion? Teleoptiles of Tenderness?
Actually, it's called the Feather Distribution Project, and our parrot Rain Man is a regular donor.
TEXT OF COMIC:
So there isn't any circumstance in which you'd ever be willing to donate your hair to cancer patients?
Well, if I had a parrot, I guess I'd donate his shed feathers to that service that collects them for native tribes to use in their ceremonies. I mean, that's probably the most charitable thing you can do with feathers. It's not like anyone buys them to make parrot wigs.
What do parrot feathers have to do with anything? That's not what I was talking about at all! Locks of Love doesn't do that!
That's true, Locks of Love isn't the organization that collects donated feathers. I forget what it's actually called.
Plumes of Passion, maybe?
You've been working in the romance novel section for way too long.
Comic #487
July 15 2009
MOUSEOVER TEXT: I don't know if 'irreconcilable similarities' is an option. It should be.
Thank you, John, for being my opposite in so many ways. May we keep on attracting forever.
TEXT OF COMIC:
Professor Jenkins and her husband are getting divorced.
Huh? Why?
Well, she told me it's because they've realized they don't balance each other out very well.
They have all the same skills and all the same deficiencies. Neither of them is okay with washing dishes. Neither of them can cook. Neither of them can fix a toilet.
They panic in all the same situations, so if one of them is freaking out, the other one's never there to calm things down. And they're both very dominant people who want to be in control, so they fight all the time.
Huh. Most couples who split up cite "irreconcilable differences" as their grounds for divorce. But it sounds as if those two will be citing "irreconcilable similarities."
I don't think you'll ever have that problem, Abby. No one in the universe is like you.
Comic #488
July 16 2009
MOUSEOVER TEXT: I like 'Gesundheit.' Wishing a sick person good health actually makes sense.
Abby can be pretty cranky when she's got a cold. (I guess it makes sense that the word "cranky" comes from the German word for "sick.")
TEXT OF COMIC:
aCHOO!
God bless you.
Are you telling God what to do?
Huh?
Are you trying to control God? Do you think you can make God bless me just by saying that?
No! I'm just saying I'd LIKE God to bless you.
It's like if I say "Good luck" or "Have a nice day." I don't actually think saying that will cause you to have good luck or a nice day. I'm just saying that if you do, I'll be happy for you.
It's an expression of friendship and sympathy. Just a way of letting you know I'm on your side.
Okay, another question: Why are you only on my side when I have a cold?
You know, forget it. I retract the blessing.
Comic #489
July 17 2009
MOUSEOVER TEXT: GRUBS live in trees. Grubs turn into beetles. Maggots turn into flies.
Notice how the jokes I make about pi are never the obvious one.
TEXT OF COMIC:
So we all had Post-it notes on our foreheads with numbers on them, and we were going around asking each other "is it greater than" and "is it less than" questions to try and figure out what our numbers were.
Uh huh.
And Hans would totally have won, except he tried to cheat by taking a peek in the mirror, and so he thought his piece of paper said "PI" when it really said "19," and he wound up getting in a fight with Norma when she insisted that his number was not greater than three and less than four.
Abby, hearing you talk about the things you find entertaining is like hearing a woodpecker talk about how much it loves banging its head on trees in order to eat maggots.
That's a terrible analogy. Maggots don't live in trees.
Comic #490
July 20 2009
MOUSEOVER TEXT: It's hard to distinguish realistically complex characters from lazily out-of-character ones.
When I originally posted this comic on the old Nucleus page, back in 2009, the blog post was a long angry rant about the later Ender books. But I realized it was over-inflammatory and distracted from Abby's interesting insight about characterization.
TEXT OF COMIC:
This book is pretty good, except the hero seems to be acting out of character in this chapter.
Out of character. Ha. I'm sick of the whole concept of "out of character."
It's based on stereotypes. It's based on the assumption that "a person who does A and B will also do C and will not do D."
But you can't accurately predict someone's behavior from just two letters. Heck, you can't predict it even if you know that the person does A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, and J. Even if you know people for twenty years, they can still surprise you.
And the amount of information you get about a character in the course of a book is TINY, compared to the amount you'd learn about a real person in twenty years, or even just one year. You just don't get enough knowledge from a book to HAVE an accurate idea of whether someone's actions are in character.
If you wrote a book where the characters were as complex as real people, no one would like it, because everyone would think they were out of character. It's just like the fact that a book would never be considered plausible if it had as many coincidences as real life. It's sad, that's what it is.
So what's the hero doing?
Believing in God all of a sudden.
I told you not to read the sequels to "Ender's Game."
Comic #491
July 21 2009
MOUSEOVER TEXT: Of course I'm coming at this from a Minnesota pronunciation perspective.
You don't realize how many people spell "yay" like "yeah" until you start a website called Yay in a Box.
TEXT OF COMIC:
And now a word on the words "yay," "yea" and "yeah."
Y-A-Y is pronounced with a long A sound, as in "day." It is an expression of happiness and excitement.
Y-E-A is pronounced the same, also with a long A sound as in "day." It is an old-fashioned word for "yes." In modern times it is only used in a few contexts, like "yea or nay."
Y-E-A-H is pronounced with a short A sound, as in "cat." It is a modern slang word for "yes." It can also be used as an expression of happiness, in the same way that "Yes!" can be used as an expression of happiness. However, it is not identical to the word "yay," and it is not pronounced the same.
Everyone take notes on this, okay? I don't want to see anyone getting this wrong anymore.
You realize you're the most picky person any of us have ever known, right?
Yeah.
Yay.
Comic #492
July 22 2009
MOUSEOVER TEXT: It's good, actually. You just thicken vegetable broth with flour.
That wouldn't technically be vegetarian gravy. Unless it were the corpse of a vegetarian.
TEXT OF COMIC:
Here, I made garlic mashed potatoes with vegetarian gravy.
Vegetarian gravy? I can't imagine that tasting very good.
Trust me. It's fit for a king.
Hey, that reminds me of a joke. Where did the king keep his armies?
In his sleevies!
Eww. That was... eww. Norma, that was the stupidest joke I've heard since second grade. That was so bad I feel like I have to wash my ears.
I can't imagine any pun being too bad for you.
That one was.
Hey, sorry.
So what's in the gravy?
A corpsey.
Comic #493
July 23 2009
MOUSEOVER TEXT: I will pare a pair of pears
"Parable" in Spanish is "parabola." I think "parabola" in Spanish is also "parabola." Telling them apart must be dependent on context.
TEXT OF COMIC:
What do you think of my story?
Um... it's well-written, but the characters don't seem real.
It reads more like a parable, like one of Aesop's fables. It seems unnecessary for it to be a 16-page short story. The people are just cutouts presenting a lesson. If it's going to be like that, I almost think you should pare it down to a couple pages.
I don't think this parable is parable.
You're terrible.
Comic #494
July 24 2009
MOUSEOVER TEXT: Sleep peels.
Oh, Cathy.
TEXT OF COMIC:
Wake up, Cathy! You should be working!
Hrrgh.
Were you up all night partying?
Mind your own business.
You know, nobody ever LITERALLY sleeps their way to the top.
Doesn't matter. I've been doing plenty of the figurative kind as well.
Comic #495
July 27 2009
MOUSEOVER TEXT: A loca Coca-Cola!
Apparently Ron's instant messaging has the same restrictions as his speech.
TEXT OF COMIC:
What are you doing, Abby?
Chatting online with Ron.
What's he doing?
Soho! Hydrate tardy HoHos.
Eating lunch, I suppose.
Pop? Is Pepsi pop?
Yes it is, Ron. And I guess it's good for hydrating HoHos, too.
Nokia daikon.
I don't even WANT to know what he's eating now.
Evil apple! Help, pal! I've...
...been taken down like Snow White?
...had to stop typing for fear of asymmetry.
Comic #496
July 28 2009
MOUSEOVER TEXT: my hair is in a bun-ion, my leg-ion is tired
I keep my horse in a stall-ion
And I grind my flour in a mill-ion.
I count to a million by tens-ion.
But it still takes a lot of paper and pens-ion.
TEXT OF COMIC:
...So I think this chemical reaction would give off anions.
Wait, did you say "anions" or "an ion"? Man, these terms are confusing.
Cat-ion. Cat-ion. Go and catch a rat-ion.
I am going on-ion a quest-ion, in fact-ion.
Halt! You shall not pass-ion!
Who are you to restrict my pass-ion? Are you the god Eros-ion?
No, I'm just Hyper-ion.
I don't think I belong to that religious sect-ion.
Then you need to read this tract-ion.
You two are ridiculous.
No we're not-ion.
Comic #497
July 29 2009
MOUSEOVER TEXT: Good thing cartoon hearts are symmetrical.
The Vikings football team may have crossed the Pacific at some point; I don't know.
TEXT OF COMIC:
Ron, you left the toilet seat up again.
Don't be silly, Norma. Ron would never put something up without putting it back down again! It wouldn't be symmetrical.
Well, someone did it. I don't care-- men are all primitive. Ever since they were cavemen and barbarians and, and, and Vikings sailing across the ocean to loot and pillage everywhere they could find, they've all been just smelly hairy gorillas.
Norse Pacific apes, Ron!
You are gaining Ron's admiration under false pretenses, Abby. The Vikings never sailed in the Pacific.
And you are criticizing him under false pretenses. I left the toilet seat up after I cleaned under it this morning.
Comic #498
July 30 2009
MOUSEOVER TEXT: to summarize the summary, people are a problem
People who want power usually are at least a little bit crazy. But people who don't want power never end up getting power. This is why the world is ruled by crazies.
TEXT OF COMIC:
If I were in charge of the world, I would make all bathrooms unisex.
Well, let's be glad you're not in charge of the world, then.
In fact, let's be glad nobody is in charge of the world. Absolute power corrupts absolutely.
Actually, I don't think absolute power corrupts absolutely.
I think that the kind of people who end up with absolute power were absolutely corrupt to begin with.
Well, that makes me feel very comfortable about your interest in ruling the world.
Comic #499
July 31 2009
MOUSEOVER TEXT: So making bathrooms unisex is unfair to men?
Just like Abby to keep on the subject after Norma has asked for a change to something less gross.
Of course, Abby's last line could move the conversation onto a tangential topic, like people who won't get immunized for fear of chemicals in the vaccines, or people who stunt their kids' immune systems with an overly-clean household.
TEXT OF COMIC:
So why do you wish all bathrooms were unisex?
It would be a lot more efficient. With sex-segregated bathrooms, if the bathroom for your sex is unavailable, you have to wait. That's pointless.
But then you'd have people of the other sex too close for comfort in very private moments.
Stalls should be soundproof and have no gaps under the doors. And urinals should be in stalls too.
I don't know. I've been to a coffee shop that had two little unisex bathrooms. They weren't clean. Not all guys have very good aim.
So what? If a guy misses the toilet, it either lands on the rim under the toilet seat, or on the floor. When you sit down on the seat, you're not even touching the rim. And the only part of you that touches the floor is the bottom of your shoe, which touches gross stuff all day long.
In fact, I'd rather use a men's bathroom than a women's bathroom, because a lot of women are so germophobic that they try to use toilets without touching them. When THEY miss, it does land on the seat.
Can we talk about something else now?
It's funny how people who are obsessively afraid of disease always end up doing the things that contribute the most to its spread.
Comic #500
August 3 2009
MOUSEOVER TEXT: Hi!
101110100000101
101110111011101
100000111011101
101110111011111
101110100000101
TEXT OF COMIC:
Hey, Abby!
What? What?
It's our 500th strip!
What are you talking about? Strip?
Oh, come on, Abby. Every time we hit a number with a lot of zeroes on the end, we get to be aware that we're characters in a comic strip. It's so that we can celebrate. Want some ice cream?
Well, sure, I'm not gonna say no to ice cream. But I have no idea what you're talking about.
Even if I WERE a character in a comic strip, I wouldn't celebrate every number with zeroes on the end. The awesomeness of those numbers is completely arbitrary. If we used a different number system, we'd consider completely different numbers to be awesome.
I mean, if this really were the 500th strip of a comic, why not wait twelve more strips and celebrate #512? In binary, you write that like 1,000,000,000, which is way more awesome than 500.
You're eating the celebratory ice cream without being in the proper celebratory frame of mind. This cannot be permitted.
You're free to have it back if you can pry it out of my cold hands.
Comic #501
August 4 2009
So don't take your rules to an extreme. It's that simple.
(I once saw an ad for a 65-million-dollar jackpot that said "65 million artists in need of a benefactor." Seriously, what good is $1 to an artist?)
TEXT OF COMIC:
This morning I saw a sign saying that the lottery jackpot is 65 million dollars. What would you do with that much money, Abby?
I don't know. Probably something charitable.
Like giving it to an orphan?
No, like giving it to a charity that could use it to give medicine and food to thousands of orphans.
I think if you gave the whole 65 million to one orphan, he'd be a lot happier than the thousands of orphans who just got medicine and food out of it.
Yeah, but making a whole lot of people a little bit happier is better than making one person a whole heck of a lot happier.
Well, then, if I ever win 65 million dollars, I'll split it up among everyone in the world.
What? Karen, if you did that, you'd be giving each person in the world about one cent. That's probably the most wasteful thing you could do with the money, short of actually throwing it in a landfill.
See how your rules about life never work when you take them to an extreme?
If I ever win money, I'm not giving any of it to you.
Comic #502
August 5 2009
MOUSEOVER TEXT: because 'savannah' has too many syllables
Because he was looking for Inoue.
TEXT OF COMIC:
In the jungle, the mighty jungle, the lion sleeps tonight!
I don't understand that song.
What is there to understand? It's a pretty simple song.
Why was the lion in the jungle?
Huh?
Why wasn't he on the savannah with all the other lions?
You think too much.
Comic #503
August 6 2009
MOUSEOVER TEXT: Snowboarding: a very odd form of torture.
My spellchecker says that waterboarding has to have either a hyphen or a space between the words. I have decided to ignore that.
TEXT OF COMIC:
It's pretty hot out.
Yeah. You wanna go swimming?
Sure! I love swimming! And inner tubing. And waterboarding.
Waterboarding.
You know. Like snowboarding, except with water instead of snow.
You mean "surfing."
Whatever.
Comic #504
August 7 2009
MOUSEOVER TEXT: wow, Abby uses a lot of caps
Actually, I think Abby's wrong about the "no closer than a sibling" part. If the kid were conceived in a different month, when a different egg was present, then yes, it would be no closer than a sibling... but if it were the same egg Abby grew from, fertilized with a different sperm, then it might be genetically closer to her. Still not identical, though.
I guess this idea is better explored with time travel than with parallel universes. So here's the alternate dialogue of the comic, spoken by Alternate Abby and Alternate Norma in another universe:
ABBY: In "Back to the Future," when the character went back in time and ended up having to reconstruct his parents' relationship in order to ensure his own existence, he acted as if all he had to do was get them together. But really, he also had to make sure that none of the details he changed would lead to them conceiving their child at the wrong time. Or even in a slightly different position, or whatever infinitesimal factors can contribute to the success of one sperm in reaching the egg. He couldn't have done it, honestly. So instead of becoming transparent and fading away, he really should have ended up turning into a different person.
NORMA: Maybe he did, actually, but it was someone who looked a lot like his original self-- which wouldn't be too unlikely, since he had the same parents, and as long as he was conceived in the same month, the genes contributed by the mother would be identical.
ABBY: But maybe someday, years later, he dies of a genetic disease that he unknowingly contracted when he accidentally changed which genes he got from his father.
TEXT OF COMIC:
I really wonder why stories about parallel universes always have alternate versions of most people in both universes.
I mean, come on! The fact that you and I even exist, as the genetically unique individuals that we are, is fantastically unlikely. If there are other universes different from this one, we probably don't exist in more than a tiny percentage of them.
In order for me to be born as the person I am, not only do my parents have to meet and have a kid together, but they have to conceive that kid at the EXACT RIGHT MOMENT, when the specific egg and sperm that could make ME are ready to do their stuff.
And the right sperm has to just HAPPEN to be the one that gets to the egg, out of all the millions of sperm that are trying at the same time. Otherwise some other kid gets born who's no closer to me than a sibling.
And the same thing has to happen in order for my parents to be the people they are. And their parents, and THEIR parents, all the way back to the beginning of life on earth. What are the chances of that?
Well, the whole idea of writing a story about a parallel universe is that you can explore what might have happened to people if they had acted differently. If they hadn't even existed, you can't explore the consequences of different possible choices they could have made.
Well, you can explore what the world would have been like without them.
Even "It's a Wonderful Life" had MOST of the same people.
Comic #505
August 10 2009
MOUSEOVER TEXT: If I HAD ONLY a brain
It's fascinating how a pun can play on such a subtle difference in meaning between two uses of a word.
TEXT OF COMIC:
If I only had a brain...
I'd be very depressed.
I don't think that's what the Scarecrow had in mind.
You never know. He wasn't all that smart.
Comic #506
August 11 2009
MOUSEOVER TEXT: ... would showing you the hole in my sock count as proof?
This happened to me once. Not getting a chair pulled out from under me for it, but I did accidentally make that pun.
TEXT OF COMIC:
Oh, darn it. I think I've got a hole in my sock.
The sad thing is that I wasn't even trying to make a pun.
I'll believe that when I see proof.
Comic #507
August 12 2009
MOUSEOVER TEXT: double if it's a football night
This is one of my unpopular views about division of domestic labor. If you don't care about a task, then you shouldn't be the one to do it, because, face it, you'd do a sucky job anyway. (And yes, I am married. I do all the cleaning, because I care how the apartment looks. John does all the cooking, because he cares how the food tastes. It's a very fair, enjoyable living arrangement.)
My other unpopular view is that, in a relationship where one partner has a paid job and the other stays home, the one with the paid job should not be expected to help with the housework. I mean, then that person would be doing both the paid job and the housework, while the other would only be doing housework, and that would be unfair.
Unless there were children, of course, because children and housework add up to way more work than any paid job. (And yes, I'm married, and no, we don't have children, and yes, we both have jobs, but I used to be the sole breadwinner. Which actually put me in an odd situation, because according to Unpopular View #1, I should have been the one cleaning, whereas according to Unpopular View #2, I should not have been the one cleaning. Perhaps my views are contradictory as well as unpopular. I'll have to give this some thought.)
TEXT OF COMIC:
So how are things going with your latest boyfriend, Cathy?
Terrible.
I'm always the one who has to cook and clean! He's never so much as touched the stove or the vacuum cleaner in all the time we've been together! It's so unfair!
Well, go on strike. Let the place get messy. Let him go without dinner. See how he likes it.
That wouldn't help! He wouldn't care. Left to his own devices he'd live in a pile of garbage and eat potato chips for dinner every night. That's how men are.
Wait, then why are you expecting him to cook and clean? Nobody should ever be expected to do something in their household if they don't even care about the results. The person who wants the thing done should be responsible for doing it.
I mean, suppose he wanted a toolshed built in the backyard, and you didn't give a crap whether it got built or not. Should he expect you to help build it?
I don't have a backyard, remember? I live in a dorm. He only visits on Saturday nights.
And you still expect him to clean? How much of a mess can a guy make in one Saturday night?
You'd be surprised.
Comic #508
August 13 2009
MOUSEOVER TEXT: My local pharmacy has the P in the sign burnt out. It's a Harmacy now
It bugs me when a store says "open 24 hours" instead of "open 24 hours a day." I mean, taken literally, that suggests that the store will only be open for 24 hours in the entire time it exists. And which hours will those be? Is the store going to be in business for 24 days, operating for an hour each day? For 100 days, operating for 0.24 hours a day? For a year, operating for 6.575342465753e-02 hours a day? It doesn't make sense.
And it really, really bugs me when a store says it's open 24 hours a day, and then it's closed on Christmas. Come on, if you're open 24 hours a day on 364 out of every 365 days, and closed all of the remaining day, then you're really only open about 23.934 hours a day, on average. Get it right, guys.
TEXT OF COMIC:
When you see a sign that says "24-hour pharmacy," you assume it means the pharmacy is open 24 hours a day.
And when you see a sign that says "1-hour photo," you assume it means the photos are developed in one hour.
But what if some store switched those meanings, just to mess with people?
"Hey, you said you had a 24-hour pharmacy and a 1-hour photo lab."
"Yeah, our photo lab is open 1 hour a day, and our pharmacy takes 24 hours to fill your prescriptions."
It would really mess with people if you put up signs saying "24-hour photo" and "1-hour pharmacy."
Comic #509
August 14 2009
MOUSEOVER TEXT: I'd put him straight in the spam folder
Probability is an attempt to predict the future based on the past, and it doesn't always work that well when the future is way, way different from the past. (I once jokingly argued that I was immortal, because I had never died before, and when something has never happened before we give it a probability of 0%.)
TEXT OF COMIC:
Probability depends on how much you know.
Suppose some random person emails you and says, "Hey, what do you think are the chances that I'll get a heart attack this year?" What do you say? You don't know any details.
All you can do is find out how many people have heart attacks every year and divide that by the total number of people in the world. That's the probability of a person having a heart attack if you don't know anything about the person.
But if the person tells you he's male, then you can give a more accurate number. If he tells you he's male and 50 years old, you have an even more accurate number. If he also tells you a bunch of stuff about his diet and lifestyle, you have a more accurate number than that.
The more you know, the more accurate the probability is. Theoretically, if you could know every single detail, you could predict the future with perfect accuracy.
But the trouble with that is, even if you had a system that could gather all the information in the universe and predict the future from it, that system itself would affect events, and so you'd have to expand it to take itself into account.
And then after you expanded it, the new parts you added would affect things too, so you'd have to expand it more, to take THOSE parts into account. And so on, forever, each expansion creating a need for more expansion, never fully achieving precognition.
I dunno. If some random stranger emailed me asking about the probability of a heart attack, I wouldn't put anywhere near that much effort into answering.
Comic #510
August 17 2009
MOUSEOVER TEXT: It might happen if you lived quintillions of times the age of the universe.
"Maybe inevitably." This is probably the only context where that phrase could make sense. "Maybe" as far as you know, and "inevitably" out there in Objective-Reality-Land.
Which is a place I wish I could see someday.
TEXT OF COMIC:
But what I'm trying to say is that the very concepts of "probability" and "possibility" are just guesses based on what we know.
If I were dying of a horrible disease, I might say something like, "I could still get better." And that would be true, because as far as I knew, maybe I could get better. Even if, out there in Objective-Reality-Land, my condition was such that there really was no chance of recovery.
Hmm. I'm not sure. I don't think recovery would ever be 100% impossible.
Even if there's no way you could get better through the doctor's treatments and your own strength, there's still the infinitesimal chance that the randomly moving particles in your body could coincidentally rearrange themselves so as to make you healthy again.
As far as YOU know, they could. But maybe that's inevitably going to be prevented by something you don't know about.
Comic #511
August 18 2009
MOUSEOVER TEXT: The near-rhyme in each verse is part of Abby's strategy of annoyance.
Muse has a song that contains the lyrics "I won't give you up, I won't let you down." I wouldn't put it past Bellamy to have deliberately Rickrolled his fans.
Hey, I just realized that you could pronounce "lyric" as "Lie, Rick." (Thus contradicting the line "Never gonna tell a lie and hurt you"?)
And if you have no idea what I'm talking about, you need to get a life. I mean an absence of a life.
TEXT OF COMIC:
Never gonna pwn a n00b,
Never gonna link YouTube,
Never gonna join your group
and troll you!
Never gonna play a trick,
Never gonna make you click
Onto some misleading link
and Rickroll you!
Why would you, when you can accomplish the same feat of annoyance with your own terrible singing voice?
It's the Rick-man, padawan, leave that link alone!
You'll end up Rickrolling home!
Comic #512
August 19 2009
MOUSEOVER TEXT: The babe with the power! What power? The power of voodoo!.
It's hard to be in sync when you think in different number systems. Let's hope Abby gets back on the decimal track by strip 600.
TEXT OF COMIC:
Have some ice cream, Norma!
What for?
To celebrate!
Celebrate what?
1,000,000,000 strips!
Strips of what?
The comic!
What comic?
Evidently our individual abilities to recognize our fictionality are out of sync.
Who cares. Ice cream is ice cream.
Comic #513
August 20 2009
MOUSEOVER TEXT: What do you get when you cross a fish with an ant? Efficiant.
Happy wedding anniversary, John! We've been married for four years now. According to some list I found online, we're supposed to give each other fruit or flowers on this anniversary. Let's just have sex instead, okay? Sex organs are the animal equivalent of flowers anyway.
(But let's do it without the animal equivalent of fruit, which is pregnancy. My love for you is seedless.)
TEXT OF COMIC:
I saw an anthill the other day.
Abby, it's the peak of ant season. I have to assume that, if you're taking the trouble to mention seeing an anthill, then either you're about to make some awful pun, or this was the most interesting anthill in the history of the universe.
It WAS a pretty interesting anthill. It had one queen, nine drones, and a hundred workers to take care of the main-ten-ants.
I knew it.
Comic #514
August 21 2009
MOUSEOVER TEXT: take life
One possible reply: If you take something you already have, then you end up with twice as much of that thing. If you already have an apple and you take an apple, you have two apples. By this logic, taking your own life would double your lifespan. (But first you'd have to find someone who had another copy of your own life that you could take.)
TEXT OF COMIC:
Justin's birthday party is next week! If I can't lose five pounds by then, I swear I will take my own life.
How can you take something you already have?
Um...
Umm...
I think my brain just short-circuited. What were we talking about again?
Semantic confusion is my favorite treatment for suicidal thoughts. It works every time.
Comic #515
August 24 2009
MOUSEOVER TEXT: I would pay money to hear that song.
I love how Norma can't see what could possibly be wrong with this station.
TEXT OF COMIC:
I'm sick of this radio station.
What's wrong with it?
This is, like, the Depressing Unrequited Love Song Station.
Actually, it's more like the Sexually Explicit Depressing Unrequited Love Song Station.
A typical song on this station goes, "Oh, woe is me, I'm so lonely that on Saturday nights I set my cellphone on vibrate and stick it down my pants, but I still can't get off because no one will call me."
You're exaggerating.
I'm still changing the channel.
Comic #516
August 25 2009
MOUSEOVER TEXT: 'What a load of BillShat,' as they say.
"Shut up" would inspire some befuddling mental imagery.
TEXT OF COMIC:
Sometimes I really miss Star Trek, The Original Series. Shat and Nimoy were some of my favorite actors ever.
I'm having a hard time getting used to "Shat" as a nickname for William Shatner. I'm more used to that word as a preterit-tense verb.
Hmm. What's the perfect tense? "Shut?"
I am imagining a lot of confusing conversations right now.
Comic #517
August 26 2009
MOUSEOVER TEXT: Abby to Earth. You're full of idiots. I'm moving somewhere else.
If you wanted both meanings, you'd have to write "put it on this shelf if and only if it's a reference book."
TEXT OF COMIC:
Hey, Cathy, I have a question. You know that shelf in the stockroom with the sign on it that says "Reference books only on this shelf"?
Yes?
Does that mean "reference books can go only on this shelf," or does it mean "only reference books can go on this shelf"?
Quit messing around, okay? No one thinks you're funny.
What? It was a serious question. Which does it mean?
They're the same thing, Abby. Now go do whatever you do when you're not bugging me.
No, they're not the same! If "reference books can go only on this shelf," then that means I can't put reference books anywhere else, but that doesn't mean I can't put other stuff on that shelf too.
But if "only reference books can go on this shelf," then I can't put anything else on that shelf, but that doesn't mean I can't put reference books in other places too. You see what I mean?
Earth to Abby. You are speaking complete gibberish. Snap out of it.
Look, Cathy, did you even take "Introduction to Logic"?
Some people can figure out what makes sense without having to take a CLASS in it.
And those people don't include you.
Comic #518
August 27 2009
MOUSEOVER TEXT: A shirt, pants, underpants, a bra and two socks, if you must know.
What would be really sad is if there were brain parts we didn't use, and we hadn't used them for thousands of years, and now the potential superpowers are gone and they're just vestigial lumps of meat.
TEXT OF COMIC:
Okay, it totally bugs me when someone claims that "people only use 10% of their brains" and therefore we'd be capable of supernatural feats if we only knew how to use the rest.
People DO use all the parts of their brains. Nature would not give us all those brain parts without giving us the ability and desire to use them! Evolution doesn't waste like that! When body parts aren't used, they atrophy into little vestigial stubs within a million years.
It's all a big misunderstanding. People don't use more than 10% of their brains AT THE SAME TIME.
Kind of like how I only use a small percentage of the objects in my dorm at the same time. Like, right now I'm using a table, a chair, a computer, and six articles of clothing. There's a lot of stuff I'm not using right now. But that doesn't mean my dorm has unused superpowers.
But theoretically, if you COULD use all the objects in your dorm at the same time, you'd be capable of things that most people would consider superhuman.
No, I would just DIE, as soon as I got to the hair dryer and the shower.
Comic #519
August 28 2009
MOUSEOVER TEXT: Black humor = black bile?
See, Norma can make obscure science puns too.
TEXT OF COMIC:
Happiness: serotonin.
Fear: adrenaline.
Love: oxytocin.
Hippocrates was right that emotions are caused by body fluids. He just wasn't right about which ones.
You have a weird sense of humor.
Comic #520
August 31 2009
MOUSEOVER TEXT: Sorry if I ruined the movie for anyone. In any sense of the word 'ruined.'
Of course, there's no real way to create a time distortion field that applies to a person's body but not his mind. "Groundhog Day" is not practically possible without magic.
TEXT OF COMIC:
I have my own interpretation of the movie "Groundhog Day."
When the character finally stopped reliving the same day over and over again, it wasn't because he finally won the love of his life by becoming a good person.
It was because, of all the times he had lived through that day, that was the first time he actually bought anything from the insurance salesman who'd been pestering him.
See, the insurance companies had discovered how to create time distortion fields. They would choose a target customer and make him live through the sales pitch over and over again, indefinitely, until he gave in.
That way they'd gain a new customer in an amount of time that, for them, was almost nothing, but for the person in question, was enough time that he WOULD be won over eventually, no matter what. It was an ingenious marketing strategy.
Oh, come on. If insurance companies could control time, don't you think they'd find better ways to use it to their advantage?
Oh, my gosh, it would SUCK if they could predict our futures.
Comic #521
September 1 2009
MOUSEOVER TEXT: Almost everything contains molecules that have been part of a dead body.
Why not? She doesn't need it anymore.
But then, she doesn't need her dead body either.
TEXT OF COMIC:
Dear eBay customer support:
I understand that you don't allow selling human remains on eBay. And I understand that by "remains," you mean any part of a dead body.
But what if it's a part of a body that is NOW dead, but the part was cut off while the body was still alive?
No offense, Abby, but that way of phrasing it sounds really creepy.
And I still don't think you should try to sell an antique brooch with a lock of your deceased grandmother's hair in it.
Comic #522
September 2 2009
MOUSEOVER TEXT: It does make sense with romance, though. The lover of my lover is my enemy.
It's interesting how double negatives become positives, but double positives don't become negatives.
(Yeah, right.)
TEXT OF COMIC:
We should get together with Veronica from art class this weekend.
Bleahh.
What? Don't you like her?
What part of the word "Bleahh" don't you understand?
Hey! She's a good friend of mine.
Well, the friend of my friend is my enemy.
That makes exactly NO sense.
In this specific instance, though, it is true.
Comic #523
September 3 2009
MOUSEOVER TEXT: Everyone loves tasty recipes.
Hans is probably watching this video.
TEXT OF COMIC:
This YouTube video is epic. This is the epicest thing I have ever seen.
I think I've seen epicer videos than that.
Abby, I can't believe that a language major like you would be using "epic" as an adjective, complete with comparative and superlative forms.
But "epicer" is the greatest comparative form ever! You know why?
Because "epicer" sounds like "epicure"! And an epicure is someone who loves tasty recipes, and "recipe" spelled backwards is "epicer"! It's a complex, multi-level, circular pun!
I would never have guessed.
Your reasoning skills are less than epic, Norma.
Comic #524
September 4 2009
MOUSEOVER TEXT: and he wouldn't have made my boogers taste so good.
Some translations word it as "Get money for your possessions and give it to the poor," which is a lot clearer.
TEXT OF COMIC:
I'm struggling with my faith again. I'm really not sure what's the best way to do God's will.
He asks for some crazy stuff, all right.
The Bible says "Sell all you have and give it to the poor."
And you're not sure you can give up all your possessions and still function in this world?
Well, actually, I'm just not sure how I can sell all I have AND give it to the poor.
Am I supposed to sell it all, then buy it back, and THEN give it away?
Well, the antecedent of a pronoun isn't always something that's actually in the sentence.
Like, if you say "My little brother picks his nose and eats it," the word "it" doesn't refer to the nose. Or to the brother. It refers to the booger, which isn't even mentioned.
So... so in the sentence "Sell all you have and give it to the poor," the word "it" could refer to something other than "all you have"?
Well, yeah. I'm pretty sure it was intended to refer to the money you get.
But you don't have to interpret it that way, you know. "It" could be a booger in this case, too.
If God wanted me to give my boogers to the poor, he would have said so more clearly.
Comic #525
September 7 2009
MOUSEOVER TEXT: Abby plans to gain weight just so she can have it on a plus-size T-shirt.
I think I'm going to put this shirt on the Merchandise Page.
TEXT OF COMIC:
Okay, this is enough math for now. Let's break for lunch.
I love that phrase.
I want to get a bumper sticker that says "I Break for Lunch."
You don't have a car.
Well, then I'll get it on a T-shirt.
It would be funniest on a plus-size T-shirt.
Comic #526
September 8 2009
MOUSEOVER TEXT: It might not even have a brain.
They don't address the sense of touch, because they are lucky enough never to have had tactile contact with Cathy. (If they had, it would probably have involved someone or other being strangled.)
TEXT OF COMIC:
You look horrible, Cathy. Have you eaten at all in the last week?
Don't go criticizing my looks. I'm the one who's actually getting dates.
Love sure is blind, isn't it, Abby?
Yup.
YOU HAVE NO RIGHT TO TALK LIKE THAT ABOUT ME!
Ow, my ear. I think love's also deaf.
It might be missing a sense of smell, too.
No kidding.
Hey, this is an expensive perfume!
And taste?
Love has no taste, my friend. None at all.
Hello? I'm right here.
Comic #527
September 9 2009
MOUSEOVER TEXT: Actually, maybe sidewalks should just have fast lanes and slow lanes.
Abby is horrible.
TEXT OF COMIC:
You're late. I was expecting you an hour ago.
I got stuck.
Where?
On that narrow sidewalk downtown. The one with no boulevard, that's between a wall and a busy street.
How'd you get stuck there?
A little old lady was walking in front of me.
She was going about five feet a minute, and I couldn't get around her without actually pushing her to the side. I said "Excuse me" a bunch of times, but she didn't seem to hear me. So I just waited until we got to the intersection.
I think old people should have to walk on a separate sidewalk.
You don't really believe that.
Come on. What if someone had a car that couldn't go more than 25 miles an hour, and it was almost completely soundproof and had dark tinted windows, so the driver could barely see or hear what was going on outside, AND it was so fragile that the slightest bump could wreck it beyond repair? Should you allow that car on the highway?
Well, that would be a good way to make sure there wouldn't be any more cars like that.
Now you're thinking like me.
Comic #528
September 10 2009
MOUSEOVER TEXT: You *did* pretty much set her up to say that, Cathy.
When I was writing Abby's last line, I kept making typos. I think that sentence is a stenographic tongue twister.
TEXT OF COMIC:
Abby! You have to help me!
Why in the world would I help you?
Because if I don't get a really good grade on that big group project in World History, I'll probably fail the course. You have to partner with me for that project, because you're the only person who could do a good enough job to save my grade.
Forget it. I'm already partnered with Norma.
Well, dump her! Kick her outside into a mud puddle! Stab her to death! I don't care, I need you!
No way, Cathy. Norma's my study buddy. And she may be a cruddy, fuddy-duddy study buddy, but she's my study buddy and I won't get her muddy. Or bloody.
You have no idea how much I want to kill you right now.
Comic #529
September 11 2009
MOUSEOVER TEXT: aaaaiiiiissssnnnttteerdblhmm
When someone first emailed me that paragraph, I didn't really care, because I'd always thought it was obvious that you could read scrambled words if they weren't too badly scrambled. But then I was always pretty good at those unscramble-the-word games. And I used to play an anagram game all the time on my Franklin Language Master, where one of the options was to rearrange the letters in the word to make anagrams easier to find, so I got really used to mixing up letters in my head.
TEXT OF COMIC:
You know that thing that was being emailed around a few years ago? The paragraph where each word had all the letters scrambled except for the first and last ones? It was supposed to demonstrate that people can still read words when the letters aren't in order, because we just see the word as a whole.
I've realized that's why I often confuse certain words at first glance.
I mean, words that are anagrams of each other and have the same first and last letters. Like "paternal" and "parental." Or "profile" and "prolife."
Or "bedroom" and "boredom."
I can certainly see why you confuse those last two.
Hey, I resent that. I do interesting stuff in my bedroom. Reading Star Trek fanfiction is interesting.
Comic #530
September 14 2009
MOUSEOVER TEXT: Jellyfish have the same hole for eating and excreting. Poor jellyfish.
At the moment I write this, I have both a urinary tract infection and a windpipe half-full of orange juice droplets. So I'm currently pretty mad at both ends of nature's haphazardness.
TEXT OF COMIC:
Mmm, this is good orange juice.
Do you think nature intended for a tree's impregnated reproductive organs to be vampirized in this manner?
Chhhggggkkhh-kkkrrrgghhh-khhh.
Hhhkkkggghhhhk.
*cough* *cough*
If nature had intentions, its works wouldn't be so haphazard. Having the windpipe so close to the esophagus is kind of like having the genitals so close to the organs of excretion.
Having the windpipe close to the organs of excretion would be worse.
Comic #531
September 15 2009
MOUSEOVER TEXT: Dog is evol.
In my college logic class we analyzed the argument "God is love. Love is blind. Ray Charles is blind. Therefore Ray Charles is God." We found about a dozen fallacies. But it's a popular exercise. Two days after Ray Charles's death, there were "God is dead" jokes all over the internet.
TEXT OF COMIC:
I never understood the saying "God is love."
If God is an emotion, then God didn't exist before there were beings capable of feeling that emotion.
Well, God IS a being capable of feeling love. And God has always existed.
But then it makes no sense to say that God is love. A being capable of feeling love can't BE love. How can he be one of his own emotions?
There is much that is beyond our understanding.
You just don't want to admit that God is always feeling himself.
Comic #532
September 16 2009
MOUSEOVER TEXT: And I guess what that says about Abby is that she isn't human.
One could say that the duck is still mating for reproductive purposes even though it isn't aware of the fact, since its sexual urges exist for reproductive reasons. But the same is true of humans, so this isn't exactly a difference.
I wish there were more difference between humans and ducks, though, because the sex lives of ducks are very, very messed up.
TEXT OF COMIC:
How can you be so obsessed with boys? What is the attraction of going around sleeping with a different guy every night?
It makes me human, Abby. It separates me from the animals. Humans are the only creatures that have sex for any reason other than to reproduce.
That's not true! In fact, I think humans might be the only creatures that ever do have sex in order to reproduce.
Do you think a duck has sex to reproduce? Of course not. A duck doesn't think that far ahead. It has sex in order to satisfy an urge. It doesn't know that urge evolved for reproductive reasons. It just feels the urge and acts on it. Like most animals. And a lot of humans, including you.
Well, okay-- but if having sex to reproduce is the pinnacle of intellectual advancement, what does that say about you?
I didn't say it was intellectually advanced. I said it was human. There's an enormous difference.
Comic #533
September 17 2009
MOUSEOVER TEXT: a finite simple group of order twoooo!
Personally I am in favor of that emoticon's placement on the Banished Words List.
TEXT OF COMIC:
Do you think it's possible to have a loving romantic relationship that involves more than two people?
I don't know. Probably not.
Why not?
Because "love" is defined as "fewer than three."
What?
Look, I'll write it out for you.
<3
Aren't I a genius?
Abby, I am afraid your love affairs will always involve fewer than two people.
Comic #534
September 18 2009
MOUSEOVER TEXT: Sometimes the people who have the most friends have the least friendship.
"Shut up" is always a good answer for when you don't have a good answer.
TEXT OF COMIC:
I feel sorry for you, Cathy. You've never had a real friend.
All your so-called friends are just social acquaintances that you alternately try to impress and have catfights with. You've never felt true friendship, walking hand in hand through life with someone you really value and trust.
Holding hands is a bad metaphor, Abby. Friendship is more like being in chains. Every time you get emotionally invested in someone, it just ties you down.
I don't understand that metaphor. If I'm chained to my friend, who put the chains on us?
You put them on yourselves, just by being dumb enough to get attached to each other.
And we can't take them off?
You can break your chains at any time if you choose to. But you're being stupid and leaving them on.
Well, then how is it different from holding hands?
Shut up.
Comic #535
September 21 2009
MOUSEOVER TEXT: Semantic illicit names.
I'm not sure the cult of Isis is really any better than today's major religions.
But, you know how some luggage and travel companies make combination locks that use letters instead of numbers? I think Coleman should call theirs the "Coleman Nameloc." It would be palindromically awesome.
TEXT OF COMIC:
... So Veronica was saying that she's totally fed up with her religious upbringing, and she can't stand any of today's major religions, but she can't see herself being an atheist either. She was asking for suggestions on what path to take. What should I tell her?
Plug Isis.
Huh? Did Ron just say something totally relevant and non-palindromic?
Pony's taser got one rat. Sometimes it names 'em "Anti-Semite." Most are not ogres. At synopsis, I gulp.
Should've guessed he wasn't done talking.
Comic #536
September 22 2009
MOUSEOVER TEXT: Buzz Lightyear, this is * - command.
@-option is an option.
TEXT OF COMIC:
So I programmed my computer to have I-Command-U as one of its keyboard shortcuts.
Ha ha! That's cute.
What other silly keyboard shortcuts could you make up?
Shift-E-I.
Tab-e-c@.
Control-F-R-E-A-K? That would take a lot of fingers.
Space-caps.
That one's only funny for Ron.
Comic #537
September 23 2009
MOUSEOVER TEXT: Fut the whuck?
GAFIA is fun except that people verb it into "gafiate," which isn't an acronym at all, and sometimes they even spell it "gaffiate." That ruins it for me.
TEXT OF COMIC:
What's your favorite internet acronym?
I've always had a liking for "GAFIA."
I like it when people use "FSCK" as a cuss word.
"LOL" is your favorite, right, Ron?
"WTF" FTW.
Comic #538
September 24 2009
MOUSEOVER TEXT: I'm a pun-guy!
Stating a language rule and then complaining that "everyone gets it wrong" is kind of silly. If everyone really does the opposite of that rule, then the rule is outdated and the more common usage is correct. Abby can be a prescriptivist pedant sometimes.
TEXT OF COMIC:
Why do you hang out with that retarded guy who can only talk in what-do-you-call-its?
Ron? Hey, he's nice. When you get to know him, he grows on you.
What? You look as if you're waiting for me to say something else.
I was waiting for you to make some awful joke, like "He grows on you because he's a fun-gi."
I would never make a pun on "fungi." For one thing, it doesn't even sound like "fun guy." It has a soft g, pronounced like a j. Everyone gets that wrong.
And even if it did sound that way, you can't say someone is "a fungi," because "fungi" is plural. It would be like saying "a plants" or "an animals."
I wish you had made that joke, though. I was planning to retort that he's about as smart as a fungi.
Oh, gee, THAT would have been clever.
Comic #539
September 25 2009
MOUSEOVER TEXT: It's not whether you win that counts, it's how you win.
Once again I don't state what singer it is, because there are so many it could be. I'm skeptical that human song is any more intellectually advanced than birdsong.
TEXT OF COMIC:
This singer is dreamy.
No he's not. His songs are totally boring and pointless.
What? They're beautiful! He has the voice of a songbird.
Songbirds are very simple creatures. They've got peanut-sized brains, and their songs communicate nothing but threats toward other males and demands for females to mate with them.
...Which actually describes this guy pretty well. I guess you're right.
This was not how I wanted to win that argument.
Comic #540
September 28 2009
MOUSEOVER TEXT: The Wikipedia disambiguation page for "carbuncle" is pretty interesting.
Abby is a professional annoyance.
TEXT OF COMIC:
What's a carbuncle?
An uncle who eats too many carbs.
You're not helping.
My professional ethics require me to give an answer even if I don't know.
Comic #541
September 29 2009
MOUSEOVER TEXT: You're out of luck if the guy you want to murder isn't bad-tempered.
Thinking up scenarios involving killing people: creepy and abnormal.
Thinking up scenarios involving killing people, and then writing books about it: creative and intelligent.
Reading books that someone wrote about scenarios involving killing people: normal and well-adjusted.
The world of social expectations is a weird place.
TEXT OF COMIC:
It's illegal to kill someone just because you're mad at him. But it's legal to kill someone if he's trying to kill you.
So if you really want to kill someone, but don't want to break the law, you just have to get him mad enough that he tries to kill you.
However, in order to do that without breaking the law, you have to be targeting a guy with a very volatile temper, someone who's easily provoked to violence. Maybe the reason you're so mad at him is because he lost his temper and beat up your mom or something.
So anyway, you just have to invite him to a party with a lot of other guests, give him a big knife to cut the cake, and then say something carefully calculated to send him into a killing rage.
When he runs at you with the knife, you just have to be sure that you've got a knife ready too, so you can stab him before he stabs you. It's risky, but if there are enough other guests there, it'll be completely clear in court that you killed in self-defense. It's the perfect murder.
It is very disturbing that you spend your free time thinking up ideas like that.
Says the girl who spent last weekend reading Stephen King.
Comic #542
September 30 2009
MOUSEOVER TEXT: Seriously, that thing about Odo is one of life's biggest conundrums.
I've started getting brown-headed cowbirds at my bird feeder, which makes me feel like shouting out a fond "hi!" to one of my favorite comics, Cowbirds in Love.
TEXT OF COMIC:
Changelings don't make sense.
You mean that thing about "If you cut Odo into two equal halves, which would stay solid and which would return to its natural form"?
No, not that kind of changeling.
Fairy changelings. You know how fairies are said to steal human children and replace them with fairy children?
Um... I guess I can see how that doesn't make sense.
You bet it doesn't! The whole point of being a brood parasite is to avoid taking care of kids!
Cuckoos and cowbirds don't just trade their eggs for the eggs of the host bird. They destroy the host bird's eggs and replace them with their own. There would be no evolutionary reason for them to take away the host bird's eggs and raise them!
So if evolution holds any sway at all, what fairies really do is KILL human children. If you find out you're a changeling, don't go looking for your counterpart in fairyland. Your parents' real kid is DEAD.
You know, I think you probably are a changeling. No human could ever be as random as you.
Ooh, just wait until I tell my mom that I can never give birth to her biological grandchildren.
Comic #543
October 1 2009
MOUSEOVER TEXT: halloween is 'neewollah' spelled backwards. Just sayin.
I've made some changes to the drawing style of the comic, if you look closely. The outlines in the pictures are smoother, the edges of the panels are straighter, and I've started using the "snap to grid" function so that I can line up the panels more evenly. This is still a long, long way away from being the kind of comic that people read for the artwork, but I think it looks a bit nicer now.
TEXT OF COMIC:
I want to do something really original for Halloween.
Last year I dressed up as a Borg Klingon. It was more interesting than just dressing up as a Borg or a Klingon, I guess, but I'm realizing it still wasn't up to my standards of creativity.
But Halloween has been around for hundreds of years. There are no new ideas left.
I'm sure you can think of something.
I wish it were possible to dress up as a bad pun.
Comic #544
October 2 2009
MOUSEOVER TEXT: Dressing up as a 'hollow wiener' would be even weirder.
Just when you thought intern jokes were a thing of the past.
TEXT OF COMIC:
Look at me, Norma!
You're... a wolf or something. With a suit and a briefcase, like you're about to go to work in an office. I don't get it.
I'm a jackal-intern!
Oh, Lord. I don't think I want to live until the end of this month.
Comic #545
October 5 2009
MOUSEOVER TEXT: This year I'm saving on cyber-ink.
Actually, you just get to the other side.
TEXT OF COMIC:
So Abby is trying to dress up as the worst pun she can come up with. I don't know how long I can take it.
Just ignore her, Norma. Halloween will be over soon enough.
It's kind of hard to ignore someone who's walking around in a black chicken suit with a white dashed line down the middle.
I'm what you get when you cross a road with a chicken!
Comic #546
October 6 2009
MOUSEOVER TEXT: Does armor plus encryption protect better than either alone?
Supernorma's secret weakness.
TEXT OF COMIC:
Hans, can you please rescue me?
Yeah, from Abby. She's hanging around in my dorm wearing a suit of armor that says "4096-BIT RSA" on it. She says she won't leave until I guess what she is.
Oh, my god, thanks, Hans. You've just saved my life. Call you later.
You're a crypto-knight.
No fair. You cheated.
Comic #547
October 7 2009
MOUSEOVER TEXT: I see white-breasted nuthatches pretty much every day, in fact.
Abby is one of the few people in the world who actually like candy corn.
TEXT OF COMIC:
I don't personally see any attraction in dressing up like a pun. I prefer a subtler form of weirdness.
A lot of people dress up as animals, but it's always some boring animal that you see or read about every day. So I'm going to dress up as an animal that no one would ever think to dress up as. Like a white-breasted nuthatch. Or a Tokay gecko.
Why not a python? I'm pretty sure nobody's ever dressed up as a python.
Shut up. You just want to be the only one with hands, so you can eat all the candy corn.
Comic #548
October 8 2009
MOUSEOVER TEXT: trouble is, everyone's gonna think she's an owl.
The study also indicated that falcons are more closely related to parrots than to other birds of prey. Fascinating how much visual difference a little bit of genetic material can make.
TEXT OF COMIC:
Is that your new Halloween costume, Norma?
Yup.
You're an owl? That's not so original.
I'm a tawny frogmouth! It's a species related to nightjars.
Nightjars?
They look like a cross between an owl and a hawk. They're also known as goatsuckers, and I think they include the birds called poorwills.
Hooray for Wikipedia.
Recent genetic study has indicated they're way more closely related to hummingbirds than anyone ever thought.
Comic #549
October 9 2009
MOUSEOVER TEXT: Green blood cells might still count as erythrocytes, though.
So I remembered reading in a magazine that the icefish was the only vertebrate without red blood cells, and I googled "vertebrate without red blood cells" and got a hit that said "...The only vertebrates without erythrocytes are the crocodile..." and so I was all like, "What? The crocodile and the icefish? Crocodiles don't have them either?" but then I clicked on the Google hit and the page actually said "The only vertebrates without erythrocytes are the crocodile icefishes," so I looked up crocodile icefish and there you are.
TEXT OF COMIC:
What the heck are you dressing up as now, Norma?
I'm an icefish. I'm the only vertebrate without red blood cells.
I'm going to go as a Vulcan, just to prove you wrong.
I'm still better than you. I bet a Vulcan couldn't survive in the ocean in Antarctica.
Comic #550
October 12 2009
MOUSEOVER TEXT: Actually, Cathy doesn't eat enough to crap.
It's pretty enough when it grows up.
TEXT OF COMIC:
I don't believe it, Norma. You're dressing up as a bird crap for Halloween.
No I'm not! I'm dressing up as that one kind of caterpillar that evolved to look like a bird crap so that it wouldn't get eaten by birds.
That caterpillar has a very effective technique. Maybe I should go as a Cathy crap, so that Cathy will leave me alone at the Halloween party.
Have fun researching what a Cathy crap looks like.
Comic #551
October 13 2009
MOUSEOVER TEXT: Ha ha, you thought this was going to be heartwarming.
See, I made Abby's mom's car look a lot less badly drawn.
TEXT OF COMIC:
You don't really hate me, do you, Mom?
No, honey. It's just... taking a lot of work to get used to the idea that I'll never be a grandmother.
Mom, you're already one.
What?
You're a grand mother. You're a great, grand mother.
And you'll be even greater and grander if you learn to stop whining.
I was about to let it go, Abby. But now I am praying to God that you will have children, just so you can experience everything you have put me through.
Comic #552
October 14 2009
MOUSEOVER TEXT: Norton mail. I am not Ron.
Actually, Ron put down "Obama, Bo" as his write-in candidate. Unfortunately, Bo was not yet a member of the Obama family at the time, so Ron's vote never got counted.
TEXT OF COMIC:
What was the word for Republicans who voted for Obama?
What?
You know. Democrats who voted for Reagan were called "Republicrats" or something like that, and then when Obama ran for president, Republicans who voted for him got called something, but I don't remember what.
I think anyone who voted for McCain should be called a Cainiac.
Why? Because it sounds like "maniac?"
No, because it's palindromic, and therefore awesome.
I'm a Cainiac, am I?
I hope not, Ron.
Comic #553
October 15 2009
MOUSEOVER TEXT: Dedicated to the unknown joke.
I've known people like that. I didn't want to be friends with them.
TEXT OF COMIC:
Hey, Abby! I've got a riddle for you.
The daddy bull ate a bale of hay and the baby bull ate a bale of hay. How much hay did the mama bull eat?
Unable to formulate a response due to insufficient data.
What? Yes there is sufficient data to answer the riddle, Abby. The mama bull didn't eat any hay, because there is no such thing as a mama bull. The mama is called a cow.
But there was no reason to believe the riddle would address that fact, since it had already ignored the fact that there is no such thing as a baby bull.
What? Yes there is!
No there isn't. The baby is called a calf.
The joke is completely illogical, Sharon. It contradicts itself. It breaks its own rules. If it were a person I would not want to be friends with it.
You'll like it if you get to know it better. I promise.
Jokes don't make good friends. Even the best ones are only fun once.
Comic #554
October 16 2009
MOUSEOVER TEXT: You obtuse goose.
Augustus was actually alive at that time, so I'm not sure the month August even existed then.
TEXT OF COMIC:
Abby, this cereal says "Better if used before." How in the world could cereal be better if it had been used before? Wouldn't that mean it had already been through someone's digestive system?
I think there's a date printed under that.
Oh, yeah. There is.
August 1 of the year 12. This cereal expired during the Roman Empire, Abby.
Now you're just being deliberately obtuse.
Comic #555
October 19 2009
MOUSEOVER TEXT: Happy comic #555! Only 111 strips left until #666!
Edit: Thanks to Meng who pointed out that, after 10000, there are also lots of palindromes in between the ones you get by adding 1110:
10001 + 100 = 10101
10101 + 100 = 10201
so the pattern there is every 100 numbers, up until
10901 + 110 = 11011
and then it goes back to being every 100:
11011 + 100 = 11111
11111 + 100 = 11211
It would be really interesting to write mathematical formulae for predicting palindromic numbers, but I don't think I'm quite good enough with numbers to manage it.
TEXT OF COMIC:
Have you ever thought about palindromic numbers?
Huh?
Up until 10, all numbers are palindromic, because they all have just one digit.
But then after 10, palindromes happen once every eleven numbers. 11, 22, 33, 44 and so on. And then they get more frequent again after you reach 100: once every ten numbers. 101, 111, 121, 131.
And then, all of a sudden, when you hit 1000, the rate goes way down. After 1001, the next palindromic number is 1111, a hundred and ten numbers later. And they go in 110-number intervals after that.
So first it's every one number, then it's every eleven, then it's every ten, then it's every 110. I wonder, when you get past 10,000, does it start being every 1110?
Let me think. 10001 + 1110 = 11111. 11111 + 1110 = 12221. Yup.
Still, I wonder if there's ever another time when the trend goes backwards, like it did between 10 and 100. Or if there's ever a time when you add a decimal place and the rate of palindromic occurrence just stays frozen where it is.
Decimal! Blam! Iced.
I'm glad you find this so amusing, Ron.
Comic #556
October 20 2009
MOUSEOVER TEXT: It isn't really immaturity that bothers Abby's mom. It's nerdiness.
Yeah, some people are weird. Video games aren't good for children because they're violent, but they aren't good for adults because they're for children? Go figure.
And I'm not personally into video games, but John is, and he's more mature than I am.
TEXT OF COMIC:
Abby, I don't think it's healthy for you to spend time with Hans and Ron.
I mean, college-age men who play video games? I don't think they're setting a very mature example for you.
So it's okay for adults to play poker, bridge, chess, tennis, golf, dominoes, bowling, pool-- any game in the world, whether it's at a table, on a board, on the lawn, whatever-- but as soon as a computer is involved, it's immature?
Don't misquote me. I didn't say playing chess was okay.
You just think computers are childish because children understand them better than you can.
Comic #557
October 21 2009
MOUSEOVER TEXT: This is why I like being a writer. I get fame for my own ideas.
Of course, this only applies to famous actors and singers and football players. The vast majority are much less well-known than the people who provide their material.
TEXT OF COMIC:
You know what I hate about famous actors and singers and football players?
The fact that they do something useless for a living and get paid enough to feed a whole third-world country?
The fact that they spend that money on mansions and designer clothes, and let people in third-world countries starve to death?
No. The fact that they get credit for other people's ideas.
When people hear a song, they're more likely to think about the skill of the singer than the skill of the songwriter. When they see a movie, they're more likely to praise the actors than the scriptwriters. And football players get to be way more famous than their coaches.
In serious jobs, it's the opposite. My boss gets more recognition than I do, because everything I do at work is his idea. In the army, generals are always better-known than the soldiers they order around.
In real life, the people with the ideas get the fame. But how can people be prepared for real life when their role models live in a world that works the opposite way?
Well, the reason it works that way is that actors and singers and football players are the ones in the public eye. They're the ones people get to see. The people who come up with their material are behind the scenes.
Well, it shouldn't be that way! We need to put the songwriters and scriptwriters and coaches in the public eye, and put their mindless minions behind the scenes where they belong!
So you would replace movies, songs and football games with published scripts, sheet music, and mass-market books of football plays.
Well, I'D be happier that way.
Comic #558
October 22 2009
MOUSEOVER TEXT: I really did not mean to make you associate chocolate with diarrhea.
Perhaps the definition of "saving a life" must also include the specification that the option which does not keep the person alive was actually likely to happen.
TEXT OF COMIC:
How do you deal with the fact that the price of a chocolate bar can save a child from diarrheal dehydration in a poor country?
Don't try and guilt-trip me.
No, I'm seriously asking. I have trouble dealing with it, and I wonder if you have any advice. It's unrealistic for us to give up every single luxury, but we need a rationale if we're going to sleep at night.
Well, after you've spent a dollar or two on hydrating a kid who has diarrhea, you still need antibiotics or something to cure the cause of the diarrhea. Saving a life isn't really that cheap.
But the hydration does save the kid's life. He'd die sooner without it. If the money goes to buy you candy instead of buying him water, he dies.
How do we define saving a life, anyway? In order to be saving a life, do you have to guarantee that the person will live to old age?
No, you just have to remove an immediate threat to the person's life. You just have to make the person live longer than he would without your help.
By that definition, you're saving your life every time you eat a meal, take a drink of water, or take a breath of air. If you waited a few months to eat, or a few days to drink, or a few minutes to breathe, you'd be dead. That's an immediate threat.
In fact, by eating this candy bar right now instead of eating nothing for the next two months, I'm saving MY life. Are you asking me to choose between my life and someone else's?
I really doubt that eating nothing for the next two months was among the options you were considering.
Comic #559
October 23 2009
MOUSEOVER TEXT: the sheep actually belongs to the god Mars. it lives in Mars Hall.
I love how Abby criticizes Ron for "making up" a character to dress up as... considering all the costumes she was trying out earlier this month.
TEXT OF COMIC:
Ron's over there showing off his new Halloween costume.
Hey, Ron! Why are you dressed up like a sheep with wings and a halo? Are you a Lamb of God or something?
Don't be silly, Norma. "Lamb of God" isn't palindromic. Come on, Ron, what are you?
Marshall, Allah's ram.
There is no such religious figure, Ron. You made that up.
Well, I guess "Marshall" is a nice enough name for a divine sheep. But I still don't see why a sheep would ever be worshipped in the first place.
He didn't say the sheep was worshipped. Maybe it's just respected like a saint.
Ron, is the sheep worshipped or just respected?
Deified.
Wow.
Comic #560
October 26 2009
MOUSEOVER TEXT: 'mined denim' in another sense would mean his jeans would explode.
I really want to hear Ron sing a palindromic rock song.
TEXT OF COMIC:
Hey, Hans! Hey, Ron! You guys have got to come to the Halloween party in my dorm this weekend.
You're not going to the school dance?
No, seeing Cathy in a French maid outfit once is enough for a lifetime.
I see Ron's still experimenting with costumes. Is he some weird sort of rock star?
Avid diva!
Nice feather boa, Ron.
He's got gold and diamonds all over his jeans.
Mined denim.
Comic #561
October 27 2009
MOUSEOVER TEXT: Contest/protest. Conduce/produce. Confer/proffer. Cone/prone.
Back in my fandom days I actually knew someone who wrote one of those. It was pretty darn funny.
TEXT OF COMIC:
I wish there were more science fiction conventions around here. Everyone on my Star Trek fanfiction forum is going to a con in New York where there'll be a bunch of pro novelists.
I'd really like to meet the lady who wrote the novelization of "The Search for Spock." But to see pros you have to go to cons.
Was that a pun?
Yeah. Sorry.
If "con" is the opposite of "pro," then is "confessional" the opposite of "professional?"
Ooh, a confessional-- that'd be something to have at a Star Trek convention. "Father, I have sinned. I wrote a Neelix/Quark slash story."
Comic #562
October 28 2009
MOUSEOVER TEXT: Hen-and-chicks plants aren't nearly as destructive when they come to life.
I once had an aspidistra die. People don't believe me when I tell them, but it's true. Aspidistras aren't immortal.
TEXT OF COMIC:
My African violet died.
Again? I can't believe you can kill an African violet. I guess I'll have to give you a cutting of one of my spider plants.
You're better at keeping plants alive than I am.
Not really. Spider plants are just about all that can survive under my care. I just have a lot of them.
So you've had plants die before?
Oh yes. I could tell you stories.
Seriously? Stories? What story about a plant dying could be even remotely interesting?
No garden. One dragon.
Hmm. A garden being destroyed by a dragon WOULD be interesting.
That's the dark secret of snapdragons, Norma. They lie in wait, looking all pretty, and then one day they grow scales and wings and BURN EVERYTHING DOWN.
Comic #563
October 29 2009
MOUSEOVER TEXT: A liquid chocolate pumpkin would be a difficult thing to make.
How did "solid" come to mean "not hollow," as well as "not liquid or gas"? Seems like a playground for confusion.
TEXT OF COMIC:
Happy Halloween, Sharon!
Ooh! A big old chocolate pumpkin!
Is it solid chocolate?
Of course.
Hey, that wasn't true. It's hollow inside! Abby, you disappointed me.
It's still solid, Sharon. I mean, you didn't think it was liquid, did you?
Well, I sure didn't expect 80 percent gaseous.
Comic #564
October 30 2009
MOUSEOVER TEXT: Some Halloween costumes have never been done for a reason.
Hans and Ron are dressed as "Nemo men." It was Ron's idea.
TEXT OF COMIC:
Happy Halloween!
Huh? Where are Abby and Norma? I thought we were going to have a Halloween get-together.
I don't understand it. Everything's set up for the party, but they're not here. Why wouldn't they show up at their own party? It makes no sense.
I guess they gave up on finding Halloween costumes that no one had ever done before. That'll teach them to try and be original in this world.
Choc-o's: You know, this kind of defeats the whole purpose of partying.
Ice cream: Shut up.
Comic #565
November 2 2009
MOUSEOVER TEXT: Really, that's just my best guess as to why they word the signs that way.
Every week, Abby takes her pet peeve to the Vet Peeve and has it euthanized. Then she heads off to the Peeve Humane Society and gets a new one. So far nobody is onto her.
TEXT OF COMIC:
You know what my pet peeve is this week?
People whose pet peeve changes every week?
No.
It's those parking lots with signs saying "No Rollerblades."
Obviously what they actually mean is "no roller skates of any kind." I'm certain that if you started skating around in one of those parking lots on old-fashioned four-wheel skates, someone would still get mad at you.
But for some incomprehensible reason, they feel the need to specify not only a particular type of roller skates, but a particular BRAND. What gives?
Some of them say "No Inline Skates" instead of "No Rollerblades."
And that's just as ridiculous, because they are still specifying "inline skates" when all they need to say is "skates." They ADDED an extra word to make it more specific. Are they TRYING to leave loopholes big enough for every kid on the block with an old pair of skates to take advantage of them?
Maybe they're afraid that if they said "No Roller Skates," people would think that "roller skates" didn't encompass inline skates. There are people who always think of the old-fashioned kind when they hear the phrase "roller skates."
No. No. No. I will not believe there are people that stupid.
I hate to be the one to tell you this, but there are people stupid enough for just about anything.
LA LA LA I CAN'T HEAR YOU!
Comic #566
November 3 2009
MOUSEOVER TEXT: Well, YOU would be an angrier person if you weren't so happy.
Drawer: something on which you pull ("draw" can also mean "pull.")
Movie: short for "moving picture."
Bookcase: case for books. (Only word I know that has "k" right before "c.")
Dollhouse: house for dolls. (Also a great TV show.)
Roller skates: skates that roll.
Shopping bag: any bag you use for shopping. (Believe it or not, I have met a lot of people who don't think about the etymology of the phrase "shopping bag." If you bag merchandise in certain stores in Minneapolis, you will encounter customers who say things like "I want a shopping bag, not a plastic bag," and assume you will understand that "shopping bag" to them is synonymous with "paper bag." That still alienates me every time I hear it.)
TEXT OF COMIC:
You seem really traumatized by the thought that some people might not consider inline skates a type of roller skates.
It makes no sense! They're skates, right? It says so right there in the name "inline skates." And they're "roller," right? They've got wheels, haven't they? They're not ice skates. Please tell me people don't think they're ice skates.
No, people don't think they're ice skates.
They just don't think about the name as much as you do. I think some people just associate the phrase "roller skates" with whatever they've heard it used for the most. Which is usually the old-fashioned kind, because when we talk about inline skates we usually say "Rollerblades," not "roller skates."
That is horrible.
What? That we say "Rollerblades," or that people use words and phrases without thinking about their origins?
The absolute lowest rung of humanity is comprised of people who use simple words like "drawer" and "movie" without thinking about where they came from. And below that is a subhuman level, made up of people who use compound words like "bookcase" and "dollhouse" without considering their origins.
People who ignore the etymology of entire phrases, like "shopping bag" and "roller skates," cannot even be considered life forms.
You would be a much happier person if you weren't so angry.
Comic #567
November 4 2009
MOUSEOVER TEXT: abby's logic is failing because she is in pun farr
Homonym is a homonym for hominem.
TEXT OF COMIC:
You're late to lunch, Abby. There is no excuse for being late to lunch with your best friend.
Really? No excuse at all? What if you missed the bus or something?
That's not an excuse. You should have gotten to the bus stop earlier.
Well, what if you had a nasty stomach virus and didn't want to make your friend sick?
That wouldn't be an EXCUSE. That would be a good reason.
You just changed your definition of "excuse," Norma. A moment ago you were defining an excuse as something that IS a good reason, and now you're defining it as something that's NOT a good reason. You're committing a fallacy of equivocation.
A fallacy of equivocation.
Yes. The use of a word or phrase in two or more different senses during an argument, reasoning as if they had the same meaning. Here's another example: "If I have a point, then my logic is valid. I have a point on each of my ears. Therefore my logic is valid."
I should have known there was a logical fallacy that all puns have in common.
I like to call it "argument ad homonym."
Comic #568
November 5 2009
MOUSEOVER TEXT: Does delivering babies count as delivering virgins?
The Virginmobile. Fast delivery for all your sacrificial needs.
TEXT OF COMIC:
...touched for the very first time...
I don't like that song very much.
I prefer the Weird Al version. You know? "Like a surgeon"?
I prefer my own version, which goes:
"You make me feeeel...
Like a Virgin Mobiiiile..."
Is it just me, or is the brand name "Virgin Mobile" really weird?
I mean, the Virginmobile? It sounds like some truck or delivery van or something. It's like the Bloodmobile, except instead of collecting blood, it delivers virgins.
That's the dumbest comparison I've ever heard, Norma.
It's not "like the Bloodmobile." If there WERE a vehicle that delivered virgins, the only thing it would have in common with the Bloodmobile would be that they're both vehicles.
You might as well say, "It's like a fire truck, except instead of putting out fires, it delivers virgins." Or "It's like a school bus, except instead of taking kids to school, it delivers virgins." Or "It's like Hans's bike, except instead of crashing into parked semi trucks, it delivers virgins."
That only happened once. And I had a good reason.
Being distracted by a video game console in a store window does not count as a good reason.
Shut up.
Comic #569
November 6 2009
MOUSEOVER TEXT: Yes, this is evident from pretty much everything in the world.
At least she's not being swallowed by an anaconda.
TEXT OF COMIC:
Abby? What are you doing?
I forgot to read chapter eighteen for sociology, and I don't have enough time to do it now. I'm praying to God to make Professor Anderson postpone the test.
You don't even believe in God.
Well, I consider the probability of God existing to be fairly small. But I'm desperate right now. I'll try anything. And I have nothing to lose by praying.
Are you sure? Maybe God hates it when people pray to him for test postponements. Maybe the only way you could have gotten him to postpone the test was by NOT praying to him.
You really think God would do that?
Well, if there is a God, it's pretty clear he likes to mess with people.
Comic #570
November 9 2009
MOUSEOVER TEXT: apparently the end of the world involves pink haze?
If there is a God, I'm fairly sure he doesn't actually want to be believed in.
TEXT OF COMIC:
Oh no! The world is ending! Please, God! Please save me!
Hi, Abby. I am God. I know the world is ending, and I hear your prayer.
God! You're going around saving all the people who prayed to you in their last moments?
No. I am saving all the people who did NOT pray to me. I hate being prayed to. I don't like it when people believe in me.
What? How come?
Well, if you paid any attention to the world while it existed, you know that I put a whole lot of work into making it all look as if there was no God. From the information you had, the most logical deduction was that I did not exist.
But you do exist! I know that now!
Well, I still hate people who don't make the most logical deduction from the information they have. Now die.
BOOM!
Norma, I hold you personally responsible for the dream I had last night.
I'm not sure I want to know.
Comic #571
November 10 2009
MOUSEOVER TEXT: Abby is better at posing important questions than answering them.
Private property that allows you to be naked on the premises often labels itself "clothing optional," but private property that doesn't allow nakedness rarely puts up a sign saying "clothing required." You could argue that the grocery store never TOLD you that you had to stay dressed.
The other day John and I were joking about having a house in which certain rooms were "clothing forbidden." You pretty much never see a sign like that.
TEXT OF COMIC:
Abby? You know how there are laws about what you can't do in public? Like public nudity, or public obscenity?
Mm-hmm?
Well, do those laws apply to privately owned property that's open to the public? Like a grocery store?
Take your clothes off in a grocery store and find out.
For all your vast knowledge, you're not much help with the important questions in life.
Comic #572
November 11 2009
MOUSEOVER TEXT: The translations wouldn't preserve the palindromes, which would ruin it.
"Dogma! I am God!" is only four letters different from Ron's first quote ever. And I far prefer this one.
TEXT OF COMIC:
I'm hungry. What are we going to do for dinner?
I dunno. I have a pizza in the freezer.
We had pizza already this week. Let's go out.
Hey, Ron, what do YOU think we should we have for dinner?
Table maracas. A caramel bat.
You know, if people actually acted on Ron's suggestions, this would be a much weirder world.
With much weirder people. They'd have to be, in order to act on suggestions like that.
Well, actually, people are already willing to do stuff that silly under the right circumstances. Like if Ron had lived thousands of years ago and his quotes had been collected in an anthology, which was passed on and inaccurately translated a hundred times and became a sacred religious text.
Dogma! I am God!
I think I've found my new religion.
Comic #573
November 12 2009
MOUSEOVER TEXT: mug o' gum
If I were a grade school teacher, I'd allow gum chewing, but if I ever found a piece of gum stuck under a kid's desk, I'd forbid that individual kid from ever chewing gum again. (But then I'd have to watch really closely to make sure no one ever stuck gum under someone else's desk. If the victim were a kid who never chewed gum, I could figure it out pretty quickly, but otherwise I'd be screwed.)
Personally, I was a kid who didn't like gum, but I once pretended to be chewing gum just so my teacher would ask "Do you have gum in your mouth?" and I could say "Sure I do! My teeth grow out of it!"
TEXT OF COMIC:
I love chewing gum.
But I hate stereotypes of gum chewers. When I chew gum, people always think I'm a dumb blonde.
I've been discriminated against ever since grade school. My teachers wouldn't let me chew gum in class because they assumed I would make loud snapping noises and that I would stick the gum on the desk when I was done.
But they assume that about all kids, Norma. Nobody's allowed to chew gum in grade school.
Exactly! This is society's prejudice against gum chewers, Abby. Once they see gum in your mouth, they think you're an airheaded, annoying litterbug. Nobody bothers to watch me long enough to notice that I'm smart, I always chew with my mouth shut and I always throw my used gum in a proper waste receptacle.
Gum chewers are guilty until proven innocent, except nobody pays attention to your evidence when you prove yourself innocent. We're witch hunt victims, Abby. There's no escape.
Aren't you getting a little too worked up about this?
I don't have enough genuine grievances in my life.
Comic #574
November 13 2009
MOUSEOVER TEXT: geez, abby, way to yell in all caps.
Nothing can get Abby more worked up than inconsistencies in use of language.
TEXT OF COMIC:
You ever notice how, when a concert is advertised on the radio, the announcer says "Tickets are on sale"?
Yeah. What about it?
Well, for any other product, "on sale" means that there's a discount, and "for sale" just means that it's available to buy.
They can't be selling the tickets at a discount every single time. They appear to be simply advertising the fact that tickets are available. So why don't they say "Tickets are for sale"?
It would sound weird.
IT ONLY SOUNDS WEIRD TO US BECAUSE THEY DON'T SAY IT THAT WAY!
Comic #575
November 16 2009
MOUSEOVER TEXT: Illegal, poached eBay hippo teeth. How heartwarming.
Even though I'm writing this in June, I know beyond doubt that most of America will be prematurely obsessing about Christmas by the time you read it. This is the only kind of current event I feel safe discussing in my comic, considering how far in advance I compose each strip.
TEXT OF COMIC:
You know what I want for Christmas?
A hippopotamus?
Your two front teeth?
A hippopotamus's two front teeth?
No. I want people to stop thinking about Christmas.
You don't like Christmas?
I like it just fine. But I want people to stop thinking about it until, at the very earliest, the beginning of December. It's not even Thanksgiving yet! Why are people getting ready for Christmas already?
Well, Christmas is a big holiday. If you have a lot of friends and relatives, just shopping for presents can take months. And I fail to see why you are phrasing this demand as a request for a Christmas gift.
I'm using the system against itself. Because everyone's prematurely worked up about Christmas, they will listen closely to me when I say I want something for Christmas. Then, when they grant my Christmas wish, it will eliminate their obsession with Christmas, thus destroying the system.
But if they give you what you want on Christmas, it'll be too late for them to stop thinking about Christmas before December.
My one, simple wish is to get my present early. Would people really ruin my Christmas by denying me that?
I think you're better off asking for the hippopotamus teeth, Abby. I bet I can find you some on eBay.
Comic #576
November 17 2009
MOUSEOVER TEXT: That just sounds like Abby in one of her contemplative phases.
Somehow the hippo teeth in the previous comic got me started on this one.
TEXT OF COMIC:
Abby?
Abby?
She's in a contemplative trance, Norma. She's thinking about something really deep, and for all practical purposes, she can't even hear you.
Yes I can, Hans. Stop teasing me. I was only thinking about what happens when animals die at zoos.
I wasn't teasing her, was I?
Yes, you were.
I mean, where do they put the bodies? Does every zoo have a secret animal graveyard hidden somewhere on the premises?
You probably knew she wasn't thinking about anything really profound, and you wanted me to laugh at her when she told us what she really was thinking about.
You're giving me too much credit. I don't put that much planning into my comments.
I suppose they cremate them. But where do they put the ashes? Do they have funerals? Maybe not for the fish and insects and stuff, but I bet they do for animals that the keepers got really attached to.
Abby? If I was teasing you, I'm sorry.
She can't hear you, Hans.
If an elephant dies, do they just throw away the ivory?
Comic #577
November 18 2009
MOUSEOVER TEXT: Two kids good, four kids bad?
There was a study a while ago that seemed to suggest that people who had two kids were healthier than people who had either more of fewer. But the scientists who did the study cautioned that the subjects were all very old when the test was done. Meaning that, even if the ones with no kids or one kid were less healthy, it could just mean that, during those people's youth, most people didn't have fewer than two kids unless they had some health problem.
TEXT OF COMIC:
How can you be so against having children when you haven't even tried it?
Good question, Mom. How can you be so in favor of having grandchildren when you haven't even tried it?
I can imagine it.
And so can I. Do you think people who have never been tortured don't have the right to express an opinion on torturing?
Having a kid isn't like torture, Abby. It's a natural process that's healthy for you.
No it's not. Nature did the best it could to make the experience survivable, but didn't even fully succeed at that. Without medical help, it's got an unacceptably high chance of killing you.
The proportions of a baby and a woman's body are just so ridiculous that there's no way nature could manage to make it reliably safe. And no WAY are you actually any healthier after having a kid.
You don't know any of this! You've never even experienced childbirth!
Yes, I have. And I'm told that I screamed and cried horribly.
I didn't mean experiencing it from THAT perspective.
Comic #578
November 19 2009
MOUSEOVER TEXT: I hope there aren't really parents who value paraplegia.
As of the time I write this, it is June of 2009, and Chastity has just become Chaz. I really hope nothing terrible happens to him right before this comic posts.
TEXT OF COMIC:
My mom just nagged me about grandchildren again.
I am sick of parents who want grandchildren. It's like every day I'm hearing about some parent who's complaining about not having them.
Remember when Cher was all whining about her daughter not having kids? Come on! She named her daughter "Chastity"! You don't name your kid "Chastity" if you want grandchildren!
I don't think Chastity's name made her a lesbian.
Of course not. If names could affect your sexual orientation, it would have made her asexual. What I'm saying is that, when people name their children, they choose names that mean something that's valuable to them.
And that's why the name "Chastity" makes no sense. Parents who want grandchildren clearly do not value their children's chastity. It's like naming your kid "Paraplegia" if you want him to be a football player.
Actually, parents who valued paraplegia might quite logically push their kids to become football players.
Comic #579
November 20 2009
MOUSEOVER TEXT: at least it isn't 'poop before you leak'
Abby will be even more proud if she finds out that Sharon set up this whole conversation in order to make that pun.
TEXT OF COMIC:
So after the blood goes to the heart, then where does it go?
It goes into the rest of the organs, and into the head and arms and legs, and then back to the heart.
Why doesn't it have a start point and an end point? Why does it keep going around in a useless loop like that?
The loop isn't useless! If it had a start and end point, then it'd just leak out of your body at the end point and you'd die. THAT would be useless.
Ah. I get it. Someone must have said to the blood vessels, "Loop before you leak."
You will make a fine punsmith some day, my young apprentice.
Comic #580
November 23 2009
MOUSEOVER TEXT: Crapser the Vengeful Ghost, the vengefulest ghost you know
I personally think it would be a really bad idea to punish attempted crimes as severely as completed crimes, because it's really hard to tell what someone's intentions were. (But then, it's sometimes hard to tell whether someone meant to commit a crime even if they fully committed it.)
TEXT OF COMIC:
What is the deal with the justice system?!
Can you be more specific?
When someone commits a crime, the victim can choose not to press charges! I've never been okay with that. What's up with that, seriously?
Well, if a crime's been committed against me, I think I should get to choose whether the person gets punished.
You're thinking about it all wrong. This is just one more sign that our law enforcement system is based on the barbaric notion that "justice" means "the victim's right to have revenge."
But isn't that what it is, basically?
No! The desire for revenge is a primitive instinct that only serves a purpose if you live in an anarchy. In a civilization with rules, punishment is supposed to be deterrent. If people know they can be punished for crimes, they're less likely to commit crimes. That's what punishment is for.
And if the victim of a crime decides whether punishment happens, people will only be deterred from crimes if they think the victim will press charges. And dangerous people will stay on the streets even though they're known to be violent, just because their first victims let them get away with it.
You think that criminals should always be punished, regardless of the victim's wishes?
Yes. I also think that attempted crimes should be punished as severely as successful crimes, because the criminal's intent is the same.
If punishment is deterrent, it shouldn't make a difference whether the crime succeeded. That only makes a difference if punishment is revenge, because the victim of a successful crime tends to have a stronger desire for revenge than the victim of an attempted crime.
I dunno. Victims of successful murder don't seem as eager for revenge as victims of attempted murder.
You don't know that. There might be some really vengeful ghosts out there.
Comic #581
November 24 2009
MOUSEOVER TEXT: a horoscope is for looking at hores... uh-huh-huh-huh
I wonder if people who take astrology really seriously get all concerned about whether their newspaper has a real horoscope written by a professional astrologer, or a just-for-fun horoscope made up by some layman.
TEXT OF COMIC:
Why are you so argumentative, anyway?
I think it's a defense mechanism that dates back to grade school. I learned to tell people off very eloquently, because I had a lot of other kids teasing me for being the youngest kid in the class.
Why were you the youngest kid? Did you skip a grade?
No. It's just because I was born in June.
Kids start kindergarten in the year they turn six. But my birthday's in June, so in the year I turned six, I didn't actually turn six until right before school let out for the summer. All through kindergarten, I was younger than all my classmates. And that affected who I am today.
In fact, I think that's why people born in different months tend to have different personalities. It's got nothing to do with zodiac signs. It's just the stupid timing of the school year.
That's... an interesting insight. Are you saying astrology has a grain of truth? You think there might really be something to that whole thing about different personalities for different birthdays?
There might be. But if so, it depends on a lot of factors, like what country you live in, what kind of school year you grew up with. And it certainly won't affect what happens to you every day of every year, so you can forget about believing in the newspaper horoscope.
I don't think you have the right to tell people what they can and can't believe in.
You're just being patronizing because you were born in September.
Comic #582
November 25 2009
MOUSEOVER TEXT: Morpho butterflies are awesome, by the way.
One thing all zodiacs overlook is that people can change. Abby's zodiac solves this problem, while creating many others.
TEXT OF COMIC:
I've made up my own zodiac.
Oh?
It's a yearly one, kind of like the Chinese zodiac. People have different qualities based on what year they were born in.
For instance, people born in the Year of the Mosquito are incoherent, incompetent at pretty much everything, constantly complaining, and yet somehow charismatic enough that they can mooch off other people's resources.
People born in the Year of the Gnat are inquisitive to the point of being annoying, and immensely active without accomplishing anything important. People from the Year of the Moth are boring, prudish, and obsessed with their social and professional image.
And people born in the Year of the Tapeworm are pretty much like people from the Year of the Mosquito, except others consider them less pleasant, and yet, paradoxically, give them more respect.
These sound like very specific personality profiles. Which years ARE the years of the Mosquito, Gnat, Moth and Tapeworm?
It's a more fluid system than the Chinese zodiac, so it varies. The Year of the Mosquito is always the current year minus 1. The Year of the Gnat is the current year minus 6, the Year of the Moth is the current year minus 40, and the Year of the Tapeworm is the current year minus 80.
What--? Abby, this isn't a zodiac. It's just a collection of age stereotypes.
Don't be upset. We're from the Year of the Sparkly Blue Morpho Butterfly, which means we're practically perfect in every way.
Comic #583
November 26 2009
MOUSEOVER TEXT: Fried plantains are delicious. Especially with honey and salt.
There's a story that, one of the first times that a mammoth was found frozen in a glacier, some of the scientists decided to cook and eat it. That would be a pretty dumb thing to do. I hope it didn't really happen.
TEXT OF COMIC:
Mmm, these fried potatoes are good.
Oh yeah. They're almost as good as dodo.
You have not eaten dodo. Dodos were extinct before you were born.
Yeah, but some of their bodies are still sitting around, and I've eaten a few of 'em.
It was really good. Tasted like chicken.
Sorry. I was just kidding. I meant I've eaten fried plantains, which are called "dodo" in Nigeria.
Thank goodness. One more second and my appetite would have been extinct.
Comic #584
November 27 2009
MOUSEOVER TEXT: Most people define it as 'humans.' Some define it as 'worthy humans.'
I was Abby's type of vegetarian until I tried alligator. It tasted like chicken... rubber chicken. Now I define "my own kind" as "all vertebrates except fish."
TEXT OF COMIC:
Three leaves of lettuce? That's your lunch? Seriously? Where's the protein?
I've never seen you eat anything with protein, either.
Yes you have. I ate a whole bag of honey roasted peanuts for lunch once.
But I don't eat much meat. I eat fish sometimes, but mammal and bird meat has really gross textures.
So you're a vegetarian.
No, not really. I just don't eat my own kind.
Nobody eats their own kind.
But we all define "our own kind" differently. Strict vegetarians define it as "other members of the kingdom Animalia." I define it as "other endothermic beings."
Is there anyone who defines it as "other life forms"?
Their kind died out a long time ago.
Comic #585
November 30 2009
MOUSEOVER TEXT: getters keepers, givers weepers
Here we see where Abby got her ability to give laws more thought than the lawmakers gave them.
TEXT OF COMIC:
Abby, I was just going through old things, and I found the silver earrings that I lost ten years ago. You know, the ones that go with that bracelet you have. I'm going to need that bracelet back.
No way. That bracelet's mine. You gave it to me when I was about twelve, right after you lost the earrings.
I didn't want it without the earrings! But now that I have the earrings, I want it back!
Well, too bad. You gave it to me. I'm gonna sell it on eBay.
You can't. The law will support me on this one, Abby. I gave it to you when you were a child. And children can't legally own property.
Well, I'm not a child now.
But when you were wearing that bracelet and living under my roof, it still legally belonged to me. And then you moved out and took it with you, so legally you were stealing it. It's not yours unless I give it to you again as an adult. And I didn't, and I'm not going to. So it's mine.
If you were a lawyer, you would be the sleaziest lawyer alive.
Comic #586
December 1 2009
MOUSEOVER TEXT: Well, Santa kind of gets up on rooftops, but I doubt he's neurotypical.
One year I heard a song that had the refrain "It's gonna be a merry merry merry frickin' Christmas." It was about a guy going home to his family for the holidays and complaining about how he hated all his relatives and the whole thing drove him crazy. That was over three years ago, and I've never heard that song again. Apparently Christmas songs that don't appeal to nostalgia have a very hard time catching on.
TEXT OF COMIC:
It must be a terrible job, writing new Christmas songs.
I mean, people don't want new Christmas songs. Most of them never catch on. It's all a singer can do just to create a variation on an old Christmas song.
That's because Christmas is about nostalgia. It's about tradition. It's about decorating the tree, hanging the stockings, having the family get-together, listening to the music, and not changing a single detail of it all from year to year.
Basically, Christmas is a time to feel good about being stuck in obsessive routines.
You must love it. It's, like, the one time of year when neurotypicals practically get up on the rooftops and announce that they're not really any better than Aspies.
If they said it in those words, I'd love it a lot more.
Comic #587
December 2 2009
MOUSEOVER TEXT: Merry Christmas. Cherry Mars Mist. Myrrh site crams. Sir Sammy R. Retch.
She just never lets this go, does she?
TEXT OF COMIC:
And here I am entering my usual holiday funk about how gift-giving as a social obligation is the most wasteful thing in the universe.
In this consumer culture where all the people you know have already bought themselves everything they want, your options are limited to useless, unwanted gifts that they'll throw away or give to someone else next year. It would be so much better just not to give gifts at all, but society requires it.
But this year I have a solution. I'm giving everyone homemade cookies!
Thanks for telling me. Now it won't be a surprise.
The obligation for gifts to be surprises was going to be the other half of my holiday rant.
Comic #588
December 3 2009
MOUSEOVER TEXT: Why are they called cookies, anyway? Why not bakies?
This is what I did last Christmas. It was a huge success. I highly recommend it.
TEXT OF COMIC:
Cookies are the ideal Christmas present.
Seriously. Everyone likes them. They don't clutter up people's houses, because they don't last very long. And even if you've already gotten some, you'll always be glad to get more.
They cost practically nothing to make, and yet if they're homemade, they'll be seen as a personal and thoughtful gift. I'm totally just going to give people cookies from now on.
Have you found any good recipes?
Yeah. I got a whole bunch off the internet, and I've made a few little tweaks of my own.
Hmm. How do you know they'll be good?
I'm going to try them all out first. You're my guinea pig.
Oh, joy. I'm going to get two more dress sizes for Christmas.
Comic #589
December 4 2009
MOUSEOVER TEXT: because i don't use preservatives.
I did the math; it's true. I mean, I didn't take sales tax into account, so I can't guarantee that your $20 bill will buy you the full 270 in the state you live in, but it's dang close.
TEXT OF COMIC:
Hey-- I heard you were gonna give everyone cookies for Christmas.
That's right.
Well, I don't want cookies.
What do you want?
I want $20.
What do you want $20 for?
To buy cookies.
But I was going to give you cookies.
Were you gonna give me two hundred and seventy cookies? 'Cause I can get two hundred and seventy Oreos for $20.
My cookies are better than Oreos.
Then how come YOU'RE not a multi-million-dollar snack company?
Comic #590
December 7 2009
MOUSEOVER TEXT: Would eternity with only 72 raisins be a crappy heaven?
Creatively adapted in the same way that Demi Moore movie is creatively based on "The Scarlet Letter."
TEXT OF COMIC:
2 cups flour.
1/2 tsp baking powder.
1/4 tsp baking soda.
1 tbsp molasses.
1 /2 tsp salt.
1/2 tsp cinnamon.
1 cup light brown sugar.
1/2 cup olive oil.
1 egg.
2 tbsp water.
1 tsp vanilla.
1 cup chocolate chips (I use the peanut-butter-swirl ones).
Preheat oven to 350 degrees F. Mix all ingredients in a large bowl. Make teaspoonful-sized balls, flatten them, and place them on an ungreased pan.
Bake 13-15 minutes.
You made enough for a dozen people.
Hey, these ones are good for you. They're adapted from a recipe for low-fat, low-cholesterol oatmeal raisin cookies.
Very creatively adapted, considering that they have no oatmeal and no raisins.
Creativity is good for you too.
Comic #591
December 8 2009
MOUSEOVER TEXT: Abby replaced white sugar with brown sugar in nearly every recipe.
These cookies do taste good when fresh, but they can get pretty dry and unappetizing if you leave them around for a few days. I decided not to include them with the cookies I gave to people, since I wanted people to be able to take as long as they wanted to eat up my gifts.
TEXT OF COMIC:
1 1/2 cups brown sugar, firmly packed.
2/3 cup butter.
2 large eggs.
2 tablespoons milk.
2 teaspoons baking powder.
1 teaspoon cinnamon.
1/2 teaspoon clove.
1/4 teaspoon salt.
2 cups unbleached flour.
Preheat oven to 350 degrees F. Mix all ingredients in a large bowl. Drop dough by teaspoonfuls onto greased cookie sheets. Bake 10-12 minutes. Cool on pan for a minute or two, then transfer to a rack to cool.
...Interesting. The clove and cinnamon give it a nice flavor. You really don't have to recite the recipe out loud, though. It's like a magician giving away his tricks.
Cookies are a kind of magic that should be shared.
Comic #592
December 9 2009
MOUSEOVER TEXT: Abby also replaced most shortening with butter.
These ARE the best ones.
TEXT OF COMIC:
1 cup butter.
1 cup vegetable oil.
2 cups brown sugar.
1 egg.
1 cup crushed corn flakes.
1 cup chopped pecans.
1 cup quick-cooking oatmeal.
4 cups flour.
1 tablespoon baking soda.
1/2 teaspoon salt.
2 teaspoons vanilla extract.
Preheat oven to 325 degrees F. Mix all ingredients in a large bowl. Form dough into walnut sized balls. Place on cookie sheet and flatten with a fork dipped in water. Bake for 10- 12 minutes. Cool on pan for a minute or two, then transfer to a rack to cool.
Ooh. These are the best so far. I can't believe it only takes one egg.
The cup of butter and cup of oil made up for it, I guess.
I can die happy now. Of a heart attack.
Comic #593
December 10 2009
MOUSEOVER TEXT: Almost the same as the cornflake cookies.
When I make cookies they seldom turn out the same twice, but they're almost always good. I guess cookies are pretty hard to ruin.
TEXT OF COMIC:
1 cup butter.
2 cups brown sugar.
2 eggs, beaten.
1 teaspoon vanilla.
2 cups flour.
1/2 teaspoon baking soda.
1 teaspoon baking powder.
1/2 teaspoon salt.
2 cups oatmeal.
2 cups Rice Krispies.
1/2 cup chopped nuts.
Preheat oven to 350 degrees F. Mix all ingredients in a large bowl. Roll dough into small balls. Bake for 12 minutes. Cool on pan for a minute or two, then transfer to a rack to cool.
Mmm. These are like those crispy lace cookies.
The first batch I made wasn't like that. I think for this batch I didn't add as much flour as I was supposed to.
Well, it was a pleasant mistake... Wait, you had another batch before this one?
Yup. They were almost as delicious.
Comic #594
December 11 2009
MOUSEOVER TEXT: The original online recipe had cherries, and 4 cups of dates. Excessive.
My only problem with these cookies is that they are the only thing I'd ever use buttermilk for, and so when I buy a carton to make them, it always passes its expiration date still mostly full.
TEXT OF COMIC:
1 cup butter.
2 cups brown sugar, firmly packed.
2 large eggs.
1 teaspoon salt.
1 teaspoon baking soda.
1/2 cup buttermilk.
3 1/2 cups all-purpose flour.
1 cup dates.
1 1/2 cups pecans.
Preheat oven to 375 degrees F. Mix all ingredients in a large bowl. Chill 1 hour in refrigerator. Drop on cookie sheet by teaspoonfuls. Bake for 8-10 minutes. Cool on pan for a minute or two, then transfer to a rack to cool.
I've noticed you always say "Mix all ingredients in a large bowl." You don't cream the butter and sugar separately and then stir in the eggs, or anything like that. You just, like, pour it all together and whip it up with a fork?
I'm lazy. Or maybe it's my secret in making them taste so good. I'm not sure yet.
Comic #595
December 14 2009
MOUSEOVER TEXT: Vanillic? Vanillish? Vanillian? Vanilloid?
When I made these, I kept forgetting to roll the balls in the white sugar. They still tasted fine, but I think the vanilla extract was a tiny bit more noticeable than I wanted it to be.
TEXT OF COMIC:
1 cup butter.
1 1/2 cups brown sugar.
2 large eggs.
2 teaspoons vanilla extract.
2 1/2 cups flour.
2 teaspoons baking powder.
1/2 teaspoon salt.
1/4 cup white sugar.
Mix all ingredients (except white sugar) in a large bowl. Cover and chill at least 1 hour. Preheat oven to 350 degrees F. Shape dough into 1-inch balls. Roll balls in white sugar. Place on ungreased cookie sheets. Bake for 10-13 minutes. Cool on pan for a minute or two, then transfer to a rack to cool.
I like these. Chewy and vanilla-y. Is that a word?
See, my cookies are so good we have to invent new words for them.
Comic #596
December 15 2009
MOUSEOVER TEXT: It's log! It's log! It's better than bad, it's good!
I still have a log of dough for these cookies in my fridge... gotta make those sometime soon. They're the only cookies my husband has ever been enthusiastic about.
TEXT OF COMIC:
2 cups all-purpose flour.
1/2 teaspoon baking soda.
1/4 teaspoon salt.
1 cup butter, at room temp.
1 cup brown sugar.
1 large egg.
Mix all ingredients in a large bowl. Divide the dough in half. Form each half into a log 1 and 1/2 inches in diameter. Wrap in waxed paper and chill for 4 hours.
Preheat oven to 400 degrees F. Lightly grease 2 baking sheets. Cut the logs into 1/4 inch thick slices and place 1 inch apart on the prepared baking sheets. Bake for 8 to 10 minutes. Cool on pan for a minute or two, then transfer to a rack to cool.
Mmm. You put a lot of work into this. But it was worth it.
Is this the last recipe?
Yup. I figured seven was probably enough.
You're not going to do five more? Like, your own personal Twelve Days of Christmas Cookies?
I'm already going into sugar shock.
Comic #597
December 16 2009
MOUSEOVER TEXT: I wish someone had given me an exercise bike for Christmas last year.
When making all these cookies last year, I went through about fifteen packages of butter. But it was totally worth it.
TEXT OF COMIC:
Ingredients to stock up on so I can make all these cookies for Christmas:
Butter. Eggs. Vanilla extract. Flour. Baking powder. Baking soda. Brown sugar. White sugar. Dates. Pecans. Buttermilk. Oatmeal. Rice Krispies. Cornflakes. Salt. Milk. Cinnamon. Clove. Oil. Molasses. Chocolate chips.
You can stop with the vocal lists already. I think I'll die if I even hear another mention of dessert.
Alternative Christmas gifts for Norma: Pepto-Bismol. Tums. An exercise bike.
Shut up.
Comic #598
December 17 2009
MOUSEOVER TEXT: I told you spelling a word backwards gives you its opposite!
The only reason I know about the slang meaning of "skua" is because I used to correspond with Jeremy Sohlstrom, who had been a special ed worker at my school but later went on to work at the South Pole research station. (Odd change of careers, I know. And strangely enough, one of the other special ed workers at my school went on to do the same thing.)
TEXT OF COMIC:
I want a chocolate bar.
Well, nothing's stopping you from having one.
I think I have one in my purse-- hold on a second while I get it.
I don't really care, Abby. It's your chocolate bar.
Wait. It's not here. Norma, did you skua all my candy out of my purse?
"Skua"? What kind of word is that?
It's Antarctic slang for "steal."
There cannot possibly be any such thing as "Antarctic slang." There are no people in Antarctica.
Yes there are. There are scientists at the research station. And they jokingly use the word "skua" to mean "steal." It's because there's an Antarctic bird called the skua, and apparently it steals stuff a lot.
That is one of the most random pieces of information--
I haven't even told you the best part yet. When you spell "skua" backwards, you get "auks," which are birds that live near the NORTH pole. Isn't that crazy?
How do you know all this stuff?
I make room for it by not knowing anything about Angelina Jolie.
Comic #599
December 18 2009
MOUSEOVER TEXT: In fact this is a rare exception. Abby usually gives her puns more thought.
Here's something I made up during my high school math class:
The baby tree said to the mama tree,
"According to laws of geometry,
Because you outgrew me,
To map you onto me
Would take more than any isometry."
Laugh at me all you want, but that limerick is the only reason I still have any memory of what an isometry is.
TEXT OF COMIC:
Hey, Abby, I just learned a geometry joke. What did the Georgia acorn say when it grew up?
What?
"Gee, Ah'm a tree."
Ha. Good one. And you know what it became when it grew a bit more?
What?
A bigga-tree.
Was that a nasty comment about people from Georgia?
I swear everyone else gives my puns more thought than I do.
Comic #600
December 21 2009
MOUSEOVER TEXT: There is no shortest day of the year. They all have 24 hours.
We've never had a one-panel strip before, have we? Does that even count as a "strip"? Well, here it is, anyway. Enjoy your solstice.
TEXT OF COMIC:
Ooh, shortest day of the year AND six hundredth strip. This is a doubly festive occasion.
I think the best way to celebrate would be to make this the shortest "Abby and Norma" strip of the year.
Comic #601
December 22 2009
MOUSEOVER TEXT: Of course, Jesus could have been gay, black AND an Aspie.
Ordinarily, Abby wouldn't have said something so offensive to Chrissy's faith, but I think she was justified here, since Chrissy had just said something horribly offensive to Abby's demographic group.
TEXT OF COMIC:
I hate how everyone is trying to claim Jesus for their own demographic group.
Huh?
We've got Doug in world history class saying Jesus was black, and Joel in sociology saying he was gay. I'm sorry, but that is not the right way to connect with Jesus!
It's awful, isn't it? They're both so wrong. He was clearly an Aspie.
What? That was terrible, Abby! Jesus did not have Asperger's Syndrome. Just because you have it, that doesn't mean you can say things like that!
It's true! Come on. He was a child prodigy, impressing all the temple elders with his smarts.
When he grew up, he knew how to look at society from an outsider's perspective, enough to see how screwed up it was. And he was willing to say so out loud, because he cared more about changing the world than about what people thought of him.
Doesn't sound like one of you neurotypical social butterflies to me.
But people with Asperger's Syndrome are self-centered. They think they're the most important thing in the world.
Well, he did think he was the son of God.
You are going to purgatory forever.
Comic #602
December 23 2009
MOUSEOVER TEXT: Actually one-third, if this conversation is a representative sample.
It could also mean making a little tiny lace handkerchief for a little tiny bird.
I've never tatted for a tit, but I have crocheted for a parrot.
TEXT OF COMIC:
What does "tat" mean?
Tatting is a way to make lace.
Then what does "tat for tit" mean?
That's when you make yourself a lace bra.
I thought it had something to do with revenge.
That's "tit for tat." You gotta learn to keep these things straight.
I can never tell when you're messing with me and when you're not.
It's only about half the time.
Comic #603
December 24 2009
MOUSEOVER TEXT: That actually does sound a little bit like a Dear Abby letter.
Wonderbras range throughout the $20's and $30s, according to their website. I couldn't find one $20 or under. And Wonderbra plus makeup for $20 is out of the question. Unless maybe you buy both of them used on eBay.
TEXT OF COMIC:
Ooh, I got a Christmas card from my mom.
"Dear Abby... I was going to come and visit you, but then I realized that if you've already decided to spend Christmas on campus instead of coming home, you probably didn't want to see me anyway.
"Buy yourself some makeup and a Wonderbra, and try to find a nice boy so you won't be completely and totally alone, and so that I won't die without grandchildren. Love, Mom."
Well, at least she's not trying to spend three months visiting you, like last year.
Yeah. I think I'm going to interpret this card as a sort of peace offering, actually. She's withdrawing from active meddling in my social life for a while, anyway. I'm... sort of touched.
Really, if you find that touching, you have a sad mother-daughter relationship.
I guess so. And she enclosed a $20 bill. I'm not an expert on the subject, but I think a Wonderbra costs more than that.
Comic #604
December 25 2009
MOUSEOVER TEXT: Aww. Even Karen got what she wanted. How heartwarming.
Ron couldn't think of a good comment because he'd already used "Seiko octet cookies."
TEXT OF COMIC:
Merry Christmas, everyone! Enjoy your cookies!
Muy yum.
That's all you have to say? My cookies aren't good enough for a multi-word, single-language, grammatically correct palindrome?
Probably they're just so good he can't focus on thinking one up. I certainly can't.
I hate you. Keep your gross, fatty, sugary cookies to yourself.
Thanks, Cathy! This is the best Christmas present you've ever given me!
Yay! Cookies!
Yay! Twenty dollars!
Um... thanks for the cookies, but forgive me if I don't eat them right away. I've had a lot of cookies lately.
Comic #605
December 28 2009
MOUSEOVER TEXT: Does that rule really apply to money?
How valid is it to use "gift" as a verb? Every time I hear a term like "re-gifting" or "gifting someone with something," it sounds really wrong to me... and yet we have the word "gifted," which is a pretty old word, so it would seem that the use of "gift" as a verb has probably been around for a long time. (Unless "gifted" as a word for "having a gift" is etymologically equivalent to "winged" as a word for "having wings," instead of actually implying that that gift has been "gifted" to the person in question.)
TEXT OF COMIC:
Hey, thanks, Abby! I thought you'd forgotten me, but then I got your cookies in the mail!
Glad you liked them. Merry Christmas.
What did you do with the $20 bill I sent you?
I gave it to Karen.
What? Didn't your mother ever teach you not to re-gift?
Mom, everything I know about re-gifting you've taught me by example.
But I never taught you to do it to ME!
Comic #606
December 29 2009
MOUSEOVER TEXT: 'Gift' means poison in German.
What are your thoughts on this moral question?
TEXT OF COMIC:
Mom, calm down. I was going to give Karen $20 for Christmas anyway, whether you gave me money or not. It's not really re-gifting. I still have $20 more than I would have had if you hadn't sent it to me.
Yes it is re-gifting! You gave her the exact same $20 bill I sent you!
So what was I supposed to do? Deposit your $20 bill in my account and get a new one out of the ATM to give to Karen?
Yes! That would have been the decent thing to do!
Whatever.
Don't they teach you basic etiquette in college?
Comic #607
December 30 2009
MOUSEOVER TEXT: Norma's last line is actually kind of debatable.
When I was about five years old, I came up with the insult "Your lips look like dead worms." For some reason I still remember it.
TEXT OF COMIC:
Lips look disturbingly much like worms.
They're long, thin, pink-skinned creatures that taper to thinner points on both ends, and wrinkle as they scrunch up shorter and stretch out longer.
Seriously. Why haven't any great authors used that simile? It's a really good one.
Authors have more success if they don't gross out their readers.
Comic #608
December 31 2009
MOUSEOVER TEXT: Almost as exciting as if it had turned out not to be Y2K compatible.
This is how I spent my New Year's Eves when I was in college. My calculator watch had the day, date, year, stopwatch, timer, two alarms, time in other parts of the world, phone number storage, even voice recording. (I don't know if Abby's calculator watch is of that caliber... we never seem to see it.)
TEXT OF COMIC:
I love New Year's Eve.
Are you going to stay up until midnight?
You bet! The greatest excitement of New Year's Eve is watching the year change on my calculator watch.
Some people would consider that very, very sad.
In 2000 I had the added excitement of finding out that my watch was Y2K compatible.