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Abby and Norma
from 2010
Comic #609
January 1 2010
MOUSEOVER TEXT: my new year's resolution is 5 megapixels
I wish me a merry Christmas, and a happy you near.
TEXT OF COMIC:
How late were you guys up last night?
Too late. I can't believe I let myself be talked into going to a party that started after 8 pm.
Tuna pee. Knox, interpret Nixon. Keep a nut.
Is he drunk or something?
Who knows.
You know, I see no point in going out and drinking all night, when I can spend the night alternately unconscious and hallucinating just by going to sleep.
I think if you ever got drunk, you would break some natural law governing how weird a person can be.
Z
Comic #610
January 4 2010
MOUSEOVER TEXT: I have conversations in my head, too, but I seldom recite them out loud.
In fact, if you said "Happy New Year" when it was almost September, you might be implying that the New Year the person celebrated was Rosh Hashanah.
TEXT OF COMIC:
Thank you, ma'am! Happy New Year.
New Year's Day was, like, a couple days ago.
Well, I would have said "Happy New Year" on New Year's Day if I had seen you then, ma'am. But our store was closed.
I wonder what day it officially becomes ridiculous to say "Happy New Year." Ten days after New Year's? Twenty days?
I don't know, ma'am. Here's your change.
I mean, I know people would look at me funny if I said it in, like, August.
"Happy New Year, sir."
"What? It's almost September."
"Well, I didn't see you on New Year's."
Uh huh.
"You've never seen me before!"
"Yeah, that's why I didn't say 'Merry Christmas.' I didn't know if you celebrated it."
"But you knew I celebrate the New Year?"
Umm...
"Doesn't everybody?"
"Most cultures do, but not all at the same time."
"Hey, I never said WHEN I thought you celebrated the New Year."
Ma'am, there are people waiting in line behind you.
Comic #611
January 5 2010
MOUSEOVER TEXT: Let's call rulers 'space clocks' and scales 'weight clocks.'
It doesn't measure seconds, because Cathy smoked the second hand.
TEXT OF COMIC:
Did you check the time clock to see when your last punch was?
I've always thought the phrase "time clock" was really strange.
I mean, clocks by definition measure time. When you call it a time clock, it's as if you're double-emphasizing that it's a clock.
Like, it's really a clock, guys! It measures time, not weight or distance or temperature. It's not a scale or a tape measure or a thermometer. It's a freakin' clock! Really!
Actually, it measures how much company money you've wasted on your nerdy rants.
Says the girl who spent the last two hours in the bathroom dyeing her hair a slightly different shade of blonde.
Comic #612
January 6 2010
MOUSEOVER TEXT: OK EVERYONE THEY FINALLY SAID IT
Seriously, ladies. Bras would give off all sorts of nasty toxins if you burned them. If you love Mother Earth, make your old bra into a hanging planter or something.
And take a look at the Abby and Norma shop while you're at it. Some of the stuff with that slogan on it is really cheap, like $5.00 - $7.00. A great way to express whatever feelings you have about your bra.
TEXT OF COMIC:
So. Our comic's very first strip posted 4 years ago today. What should we do to celebrate?
Maybe we could finally make that joke we never made?
What joke we never made?
"Burning pollutes. Recycle your bra."
It's on a bunch of the merchandise in the Abby and Norma shop, but we never actually said it in the comic. The artist just put it on there 'cause she thought it was cool.
Okay. Let's make that joke. That'd be a great way to celebrate. Hey, Abby!
What?
Burning pollutes! Recycle your bra!
That was... somehow less than fulfilling.
Hey, it was your idea.
Comic #613
January 7 2010
MOUSEOVER TEXT: really? I would have thought it would be your kind of job, cathy.
I have actually seen a career-choosing self-help book that contained a line like that. I'm pretty sure many people have the same reaction Cathy has.
TEXT OF COMIC:
I wish I had a different job.
Really? Oh my gosh, I totally support you in that. I will do everything I can to help you find one.
Very funny.
No, seriously, here's a self-help book on choosing a career. Want to do a brainstorming session right now?
No.
Here, listen. "Think of a time when you were happy, and doing something that you enjoyed for its own sake."
Shut up.
Come on, I bet you can think of a time like that.
Yes, I can. I was having sex. I don't like the career options that suggests.
Comic #614
January 8 2010
MOUSEOVER TEXT: Actually, she's probably just protecting everyone's emotional health.
I looked at the nutrition information on some packages of chocolate the other day, and it's surprisingly high in iron. Perhaps that's why women crave it at times when we are losing a lot of blood. Or it could just be that chocolate is a good comfort food for when you're feeling terrible. (I think it's mostly the latter, in my case, because I tend to crave sweets in general rather than chocolate in particular.)
TEXT OF COMIC:
If it makes you feel any better, Cathy, I'm probably going to have to become a prostitute, too.
You? How in the world could that happen?
Well, when I'm having my period, I'm totally incapable of doing anything except sitting around feeling miserable. And there aren't many jobs that let you have those days off.
So THAT's why you call in sick three consecutive days every month. I'm telling the boss.
He knows already. I convinced him that I'm protecting our customers' religious freedom. Some religions forbid coming in contact with a menstruating woman, and I'd hate to obstruct anyone's practice of their faith.
Comic #615
January 11 2010
MOUSEOVER TEXT: Doctors rot cod.
Abby is the annoying type who can turn a conversation about anyone else's problems into a conversation about her own problems.
TEXT OF COMIC:
So yeah, I may never be able to have a real job, since I'm so debilitated during that time of the month. I guess I'll have to have a hysterectomy someday.
I don't think any insurance plan will cover a hysterectomy for a reason like that. And even if you could pay for it, you'd have a hard time finding a doctor who would do it.
Well, someone will have to do it, because otherwise I'll do it at home with a coat hanger. They wouldn't want that to happen, would they?
You can't remove a uterus with a coat hanger.
But I might be able to damage it enough that a doctor would remove it.
Comic #616
January 12 2010
MOUSEOVER TEXT: peanut butter and honey and cream cheese and jelly and butter and Nutella
Actually, the third slice of bread doubles the possible number of toppings. You could put peanut butter and jelly between slices A and B, and honey between slices B and C, but you could also accompany the honey with cream cheese, raising the number to four.
Or you could just put all the toppings in a bowl and mix them up with the knife before spreading them, which eliminates the need for the third slice of bread, and also removes any limit on the number of spreads you can use.
TEXT OF COMIC:
If I want a peanut butter and jelly sandwich, I can put peanut butter on one piece of bread and jelly on the other.
And if I want a peanut butter and honey sandwich, I can put peanut butter on one piece of bread and honey on the other.
But what if I want a peanut butter and jelly AND honey sandwich? What then? Huh?
Why in the world would you want a peanut butter and jelly AND honey sandwich?
I think this calls for a third slice of bread.
Comic #617
January 13 2010
MOUSEOVER TEXT: Abby is also kind of fascinated with public nudity, I think.
Actually, even the extremes aren't always clear. If the big tree in front of the third floor window were a tree that children often climbed, nudity in front of it might still be public indecency.
TEXT OF COMIC:
If I lived in an apartment on the first floor, and my window faced a busy street, then I'd clearly be committing public indecency if I stood naked by the window.
And if I lived on the third floor, and the top of a big tree was in front of my window, and someone would have to climb the tree to see me standing naked by the window, then the person climbing the tree would clearly be committing the indecency.
But there must be situations where the law is more uncertain. What if I'm on the second floor, and I'm standing naked at a distance from the window where you'd have to be standing on top of a three-foot-tall object in order to see me?
Why are you so fascinated with legal gray areas?
I find that people have more trouble telling me not to do something when I explain to them that they can't even define it.
Comic #618
January 14 2010
MOUSEOVER TEXT: Because he wasn't much of a Casaba-nova?
Actually, Sharon's joke follows the example of the old classic "Why did the chicken cross the road? To get to the other side." It accomplishes humor by raising expectations of an unusual or nonsensical answer, and then shattering those expectations with a shockingly ordinary answer-- in essence, being surprising by being unsurprising.
But then again, maybe there's more to it than that. On closer examination, the chicken joke has another layer: it answers a slightly different question from the one that the listener expects it to answer. The listener expects an answer to the question "What was on the other side of the road that the chicken wanted so badly to reach?" but gets the answer to the question "What is the point of crossing any road?"
It's somewhat similar to the joke "Why does a fireman wear red suspenders? To hold his pants up!" The expected answer to the question "Why are the suspenders red?" is replaced by the answer to the question "Why are suspenders worn?"... and this is where the humorous surprise originates.
But I'm going on and on, aren't I? Perhaps Abby should give Sharon a lecture like that. It would probably kill her sense of humor forever.
TEXT OF COMIC:
Why was the melon sad when he fell in love?
Because he can't-elope?
No.
Because his honey-dew not love him anymore?
No.
Okay, then why?
Because melon plants reproduce through pollination by insects, and therefore have no reason for romance.
What? I thought the unexpected was always funny.
You have a lot more to learn.
Comic #619
January 15 2010
MOUSEOVER TEXT: If you never have a mid-life crisis, that means you're immortal.
I think Abby's right. I bet that happens a lot to people who start doing dangerous things in order to convince themselves they're still young. Kind of defeats the purpose, though, if your obsession with being young is based on a fear of being close to death.
TEXT OF COMIC:
I think my cousin Sharon is becoming more desperate to impress people. She spent an hour yesterday telling me jokes, and getting really upset whenever I didn't think they were funny.
Sounds like my dad. He's in the middle of a mid-life crisis. He just bought a really pretentious-looking car, and whenever someone doesn't compliment him on it, he gets all insecure.
Are you saying Sharon's having a mid-life crisis?
No, no. I was just thinking aloud.
Because Sharon's seven years old, and so if she's having a mid-life crisis, that means she's only going to live to be fourteen, and that would suck.
It would be really weird if you could predict your lifespan based on when your mid-life crisis happened.
I think a lot of lives probably end during mid-life crises.
Comic #620
January 18 2010
MOUSEOVER TEXT: One wonders how Ron informed Hans of his objection to sausage.
Today I heard someone suggest pizza de-sausagification to a Muslim friend. I continue to be baffled by the fact that people think other people will be willing to eat food that has been covered with something they find nauseating, immoral or both, simply because that substance has been picked off the food. (Of course, I would probably pick a cockroach out of my food and continue eating, but I'm fully aware that I'm not normal.)
TEXT OF COMIC:
... And then we can get pizza or something. In fact, I'll call and order a sausage pizza right now.
Oh, come on. If you don't want the sausage you can pick it off.
Hans, put that phone down this minute.
That was a terrible thing to say. What people are willing to eat is a very personal choice.
And people who follow strict dietary rules have a very strong aversion to eating the wrong things. A strict vegetarian is just as disgusted by the thought of eating animal meat as you are by the thought of eating people meat.
What would you do if someone offered you a pizza covered with chunks of human flesh? Would you be willing to just pick it off and eat the pizza without it? Because that's what you're telling that poor vegetarian to do.
I'm not talking to a vegetarian. I'm talking to Ron. He won't eat sausage because he can't make a palindrome out of its name.
Well, I bet he can't make a palindrome out of "pizza with the sausage picked off it," either. So show him some respect.
Comic #621
January 19 2010
MOUSEOVER TEXT: love at first site?
Friendship before first sight is often nicer than friendship in person.
TEXT OF COMIC:
Do you believe in love at first sight?
Of course.
Really?
I believe that some people fall in love at first sight. And I believe that some of those people actually stay in love. I just don't believe that first sight is a time when you can get a good idea of whether a relationship is going to work. When it does, it's just a lucky guess.
Do you believe in love BEFORE first sight?
Sure. Some of my best friends met their husbands on the internet.
Are you sure? Are these friends that YOU have actually met in person?
I believe in friendship before first sight, too.
Comic #622
January 20 2010
MOUSEOVER TEXT: Context? What is context? I just saw a hummingbird at the feeder today.
"Is there sales tax on popcorn?" is an anagram for "Sore cop porn in the sex atlas." Also "Cop porn in the Eros sex atlas." I'm not sure which I like better.
TEXT OF COMIC:
(blank)
(blank)
"Popcorn" is a Spoonerism for "cop porn."
What?
"Popcorn" is...
Never mind, I heard what you said.
(blank)
You know, you probably never have to worry about people taking your quotes out of context.
"Sales tax" is an anagram for "sex atlas."
Comic #623
January 21 2010
MOUSEOVER TEXT: I love that a virtual reality simulation is Abby's first suggestion.
And unfortunately, that's a rather high percentage of our desires.
TEXT OF COMIC:
What's wrong, Norma? You look kind of unhappy.
Oh, nothing important. It's just that I've got this huge crush on Mike from my painting class, and he doesn't seem to be interested in me at all.
Aw, that's too bad. I guess we'll have to wait until technology advances enough that we can make you a virtual reality simulation of him.
I don't think anyone could ever make a simulation that was exactly like him, Abby. And it would have to be exactly like him, or else I wouldn't want it.
Well, if it was exactly like him, it wouldn't be interested in you.
Oh, yeah, you're right.
Technology can grant all our desires except the self-contradictory ones.
Comic #624
January 22 2010
MOUSEOVER TEXT: 'Cathy' could refer either to her classmate or that OTHER comic character.
I try to keep a balance in this respect. I keep clean enough not to offend most people, but I don't do things that I consider pointless, like putting on makeup or dyeing my hair. There may be people who feel offended at having to look at me without makeup, but if so, they are way more obsessive than anyone with a diagnosis.
TEXT OF COMIC:
Holy crap, Abby. What's up with you?
What do you mean?
Well, your hair's a mess, you're wearing a shirt with grease stains all over it, and you look as if you haven't washed your face since last Wednesday.
I have decided that the world should no longer judge me based on my appearance. I have decided to force society to look past what's on the surface.
Abby, it's perfectly acceptable for people to judge each other based on aspects of appearance that change with the absence or presence of basic hygiene.
When people say that you shouldn't be judged by your appearance, they just mean it's not okay to judge people based on parts of their appearance that they can't change, like the color of their skin or the shape of their face.
People can change all parts of their appearance.
Well, granted. But in order to change your skin color or face shape, you'd have to do some pretty unnatural things.
Define unnatural. Brushing my hair and washing my clothes isn't natural. If it were, I'd have been born with a built-in hairbrush and washing machine.
But brushing your hair and washing your clothes is simple and cheap. Getting plastic surgery is something not many people can afford to do, so it's wrong to condemn people for not doing it.
There are people who are too poor to afford a hairbrush! There are people who are too poor to go to a laundromat! Is it acceptable to condemn them for not doing those things?
You aren't one of those people. You can afford to keep yourself clean.
That doesn't matter! If I could afford to change my skin color and face shape, would I have an obligation to?
I'm talking about basic hygiene, okay? If you can afford to maintain basic hygiene, you have an obligation to.
Define basic hygiene! Everyone defines it differently. Cathy thinks that putting on makeup and dyeing your hair is basic hygiene.
I think you got dressed today with the express goal of starting arguments.
In that case, I dressed for success.
Comic #625
January 25 2010
MOUSEOVER TEXT: Abby's overall disagreeableness is part of her birth control plan.
About 999,999,999 out of every 1,000,000,000 children suffer this sad fate. End abstinence today!
I jest, of course. Not only would you have to end abstinence (i.e., force every fertile human to spend every minute of every day in sexual congress) but you'd also have to genetically engineer women to produce a billionfold more eggs, and be able to gestate a billionfold more children. Every sperm may be sacred, but God clearly wants almost every sperm to be wasted.
TEXT OF COMIC:
So my oldest cousin, Jocelyn, just went to the Humane Society and got a cat for her children, and it turned out the cat was pregnant! Isn't that great? She's going to get to teach her kids about the miracle of birth without the guilt of breeding her cat.
Miracle, hah. I would use it as a chance to teach the kids about abortion.
Abby!
What? Don't you think every child should learn about a woman's right to choose?
What right to choose? You wouldn't exactly be giving the cat a choice. Do you want your kids to grow up thinking that's what abortion is like?
What do you mean, my kids? Who said I was having kids?
Ah, yes. I forgot. Your kids are going to suffer the only fate worse than being aborted: never being conceived in the first place.
Comic #626
January 26 2010
MOUSEOVER TEXT: time to invent mind-melds
I'm sure it varies from person to person, as well as from country to country. In fact, I'm sure all emotions feel different to different people. Yet it's impossible for anyone to know what any emotion feels like to another person. If I think about that too much, it makes me feel so alone.
TEXT OF COMIC:
When I hear British words, like "torch" for "flashlight" or "flat" for "apartment," I get a certain fleeting emotion that's hard to describe. It's like a little flash of the essence of Britishness, or at least Britishness as I see it.
But to British people, those words are perfectly ordinary. They don't feel any special emotion when hearing them, any more than I feel any special emotion when hearing the words "flashlight" or "apartment."
When British people hear words like "flashlight" and "apartment," do they feel a sudden rush of the essence of America? Does it feel like what I feel when I hear British words, or does it feel different?
I've realized that I'll never, ever know what American-ness feels like to someone who's not from here.
Well, you could ask a British person to describe it.
You could describe the emotion of love to someone who's never felt it, but it still wouldn't be the same as them feeling it! THERE IS AN EMOTION IN THIS WORLD THAT IT IS IMPOSSIBLE FOR ME TO EVER FEEL.
But you could at least find out if it was a good or bad emotion.
I'm suspecting that people in most countries don't find a feeling of American-ness very pleasant.
Comic #627
January 27 2010
MOUSEOVER TEXT: Hey, you said 'for any reason.' That covers price, too.
I saw a guarantee like this yesterday, but I didn't have much motivation to abuse it the way Abby does, because it was on paper towels, not chocolate.
TEXT OF COMIC:
Hi. I'd like to return this half-eaten chocolate bar and get my money back.
Really? Why is that?
Well, you have a sign in your store saying, "Unconditional Guarantee: If you are unsatisfied with a product for any reason, return the unused portion for a full refund."
I realized that this means I can have free chocolate forever. Every day I can buy a chocolate bar, eat half, and then return the rest and get my money back.
It's a foolproof system. You clearly state that you have an unconditional guarantee, so if you ever deny me my refund, you are committing untruth in advertising.
The guarantee states that you can get a refund if you are unsatisfied with the product. If you keep buying the same kind of chocolate bar over and over, we'll know you're not actually unsatisfied with it.
Sure I am. I'm unsatisfied that it costs money. But the refund solves that problem just fine.
People like you are why nobody does unconditional guarantees any more.
Comic #628
January 28 2010
MOUSEOVER TEXT: Seriously, *why* would anyone ask people if they're pregnant?
This is all on top of the fact that, for Cathy, any weight loss could be deadly, no matter the cause.
TEXT OF COMIC:
Hi, Abby.
Well?
Well, what?
I'm not hearing you say, "Wow! Have you lost weight?"
Why would I say that?
I lost a whole pound yesterday! It's basic courtesy to compliment people when they lose weight!
I never do that.
Well, you should.
I have a policy of never mentioning it when I think someone looks thinner. Half the time, when you do mention it, the person turns out to have cancer or something, and then it's all "Oh, I'm so sorry, I shouldn't have brought it up."
Some people find it insulting that I never mention it, but others find it refreshing. I've had people tell me I'm the least shallow person they've ever met.
And now you're calling me shallow!
I also never ask people if they're pregnant.
Comic #629
January 29 2010
MOUSEOVER TEXT: No puzzle can go unsolved when it stands between Abby and cookies.
I guess this does not technically count as "getting them with the liars' paradox," but it does open up the whole can of worms associated with that paradox.
TEXT OF COMIC:
Hi, guys! Ooh! Cookies! Can I have some?
Only if you pass the test.
What test?
You have to figure out which one of us tells only lies and which one of us tells only the truth.
Wait, are you telling me one of you always lies and one of you always tells the truth?
Yup.
I've known you guys your whole lives, and I know that's not true.
Therefore, you're the one who's lying. There, I figured it out. Gimme the cookies.
Curses! She got us with the liars' paradox!
How did that happen? Isn't that only supposed to work on robots?
Comic #630
February 1 2010
MOUSEOVER TEXT: sorry, I don't think 'crap' is a color
I guess Sharon and Karen forgot that there are easier ways to solve this puzzle than any of the traditional ones.
TEXT OF COMIC:
But seriously, Abby, you have to pass the test before you can have a cookie.
For the next five minutes, starting when this watch beeps, one of us will tell only lies and the other will tell only the truth. You have to find out which.
Will you answer any question I ask?
Yes, we will. Okay, start!
*beep*
What color is my shirt?
Orange.
Green.
Crap.
Comic #631
February 2 2010
MOUSEOVER TEXT: Abby gets some credit for at least trying to outsmart them.
Actually, I'm pretty sure it really is Karen and she's still lying. Karen and Sharon have slightly different skin colors, and they haven't switched in this story arc.
But then, they might have used makeup. You never know with those two.
TEXT OF COMIC:
Okay, guys. I passed your test. I figured out Karen was lying. Now can I have some of your cookies?
No! You guessed wrong! Karen wasn't lying!
What do you mean? You're Karen. You were lying. I figured it out. You can't deny that.
I'm not Karen! I'm Sharon! We just did our hair differently today!
Why, you little--! You'd better get out of my sight as fast as you can, or I'll pin you down and give you both hairdos like the ice queen in the Narnia movie!
Eeeeeee!
Oh no!
When you cannot outsmart your enemies, it is time to fall back on the fact that you are bigger than them.
Comic #632
February 3 2010
MOUSEOVER TEXT: it's better than teaching kids to start hot romances in first grade
The cheap gift-giving bothers Abby way more than the polygamy.
TEXT OF COMIC:
The way schools teach children to celebrate Valentine's Day is so bizarre.
Basically, they're teaching that "love" is something you express with a hideous pun on a cartoon-illustrated card that sells in a pack of 50 for $3.
And you have to give one to each kid in your class, whether you actually like them or not.
So you think we're going to end up with a generation of Americans who are both massively polygamous and cheap gift-givers?
I think that's already happened.
Comic #633
February 4 2010
MOUSEOVER TEXT: Apparently Abby has had it up to the top of the table.
I have come to realize that I would rather see an actual pile of poop on the floor of the stall I am using than hear a parent-child conversation about poop in a neighboring stall. Only if the pile of poop were on the toilet seat could it possibly be more disgusting than hearing a three-year-old describe to his mother what is coming out of his butt.
TEXT OF COMIC:
You know what I've had it up to here with? I've had it up to here with going into a public bathroom and hearing a parent take a kid into the stall next door and have a DETAILED CONVERSATION about what is happening in there.
Okay, I know that little kids sometimes need help in the bathroom. And I recognize that this can't always be accomplished without communicating with the kid. But... well, okay, I guess there really isn't any way parents and toddlers could avoid giving a play-by-play commentary on their potty time.
But that doesn't mean it's okay for me to have to hear it! Come on, medical science, when are you going to come up with a way for us to turn our ears on and off at will?
There's always the iPod.
Comic #634
February 5 2010
MOUSEOVER TEXT: ...to digive is forvine?
Brown is a color, but white isn't, at least by the strictest scientific definitions. So does a change between brown and white count as a color change?
TEXT OF COMIC:
Have you noticed that there are color-changing lizards, color-changing fish, color-changing squid-- but no color-changing mammals or birds?
Sure there are! A whole lot of birds turn totally different colors in breeding season.
That's not what I--
And you know that little white weaselly thing called an ermine? It's the same animal as that little brown weaselly thing called a stoat, only at a different time of year. That's totally a color-changing mammal.
But it doesn't actually change color, it just sheds its fur and grows different-colored fur. And a switch from white to brown isn't a very impressive color change. I'm not even sure those count as colors.
To hue is ermine.
Comic #635
February 8 2010
MOUSEOVER TEXT: bad to the bone
This actually works really well. It got our fruit fly problem under control.
TEXT OF COMIC:
Aggh, fruit flies.
If you really want to get a fruit fly problem under control, the best way is to make traps out of jars of vinegar. They fly right in and drown.
What? I'm not gonna leave jars of vinegar sitting around my dorm, going bad.
Norma, vinegar can't go bad. Vinegar is wine that has gone bad, and wine is fruit juice that has gone bad. Vinegar is at the absolute bottom of the badness ladder. I can't think of any way it could go more bad.
By getting fruit flies in it.
Okay, you win that one.
Comic #636
February 9 2010
MOUSEOVER TEXT: the pet store doesn't sell it as cheaply as the Value Adder
Rigorous experimentation is Abby's favorite way to test whether Cathy can safely do something.
TEXT OF COMIC:
Cathy? Are you okay climbing up those shelves? Need a ladder?
I am absolutely fine. Only a wimp would need a ladder to get a box on the sixth shelf.
I didn't say "need a ladder." I said "needle adder."
I heard that a Bavarian Needle Adder escaped from the pet store down the street. And now I think I see it on the second shelf there, about to plunge its needle-sharp fangs into your ankle.
Aaaaaaaaaaa!
CRASH!
You totally made that up, didn't you?
See, I knew you weren't fine climbing those shelves.
Comic #637
February 10 2010
MOUSEOVER TEXT: I think if I was raised as a boy, I'd act like a boy (a geeky sissy one).
I suppose you could try and find out if there were other victims of circumcision accidents who had had similar experiences. But it might be difficult to round them all up for a scientific study.
The idea of variation among people, though, brings up another question. Is it nature or nurture that decides whether a person is more ruled by nature or nurture?
TEXT OF COMIC:
Everyone's always arguing about whether our behavior is more defined by nature or nurture.
Everyone? Always?
Yes, they are. But the thing is, it totally depends on the individual! Everything I've seen in my life suggests that some people are more ruled by their biology and some people are more ruled by their experiences.
You ever hear about that case where a baby boy was accidentally mutilated during circumcision and ended up being raised as a girl?
No.
Well, even though he had no idea he'd been born with male parts, he started doing all sorts of typically male things. And people cite that story whenever they're arguing that nature trumps nurture in the differences between the sexes.
But it wasn't even a scientific study! It was anecdotal! It says absolutely nothing about WHAT PERCENTAGE of boys would react that same way to being emasculated and raised as girls!
Well, it would be hard to do a rigorous study of that while still following basic medical ethics.
Yeah, I guess.
Comic #638
February 11 2010
MOUSEOVER TEXT: Stigmata in my eyes! Stigmata! In my eyes!
Perhaps it's God's way of commenting on the fact that bleeding-heart liberals tend to prefer pacifism... doves being a peace symbol and all. Not like anyone needs a divine comment to point that out, though.
TEXT OF COMIC:
I'm in a bad mood. Some redneck called me a "bleeding heart liberal" today.
There's a kind of bird called the "bleeding heart dove." It's called that because it has a spot in the middle of its chest that looks almost exactly like a bloody wound.
Thanks for the sympathy.
I have spent way too much of my time thinking about this dove, and for the life of me I can't figure out why it would have that spot.
Usually when an animal has markings that look like something in particular, it uses them to trick other animals-- either through camouflage, or as a scare tactic like the eyespots on some insects.
Fascinating.
But I can't see any advantage for a dove in making other animals think it's bleeding. Predators go straight for prey that looks injured.
Maybe there used to be a horrible, contagious disease that made doves bleed from their chests, and predators evolved to steer clear of doves with bleeding chests because they were full of deadly germs.
But how could a species evolve to look as if it had a disease? If an individual animal happens to look sick, no one will mate with it. Even if it's got a better chance of surviving, it has practically no chance of passing on its genes.
Seriously, Norma. This is one of nature's great mysteries. Why the heck would evolution make a bird that looks as if it's been stabbed in the chest?
I guess the redneck I met today would argue that it's proof of creation instead of evolution.
But that explanation doesn't solve anything. It just changes the question to "why the heck would God make a bird that looks as if it's been stabbed in the chest?"
A form of stigmata, perhaps?
Comic #639
February 12 2010
MOUSEOVER TEXT: Pepper jack cheese? Norma must be very sensitive to hot food. Like me.
The hot and cold tastes of peppers and mint can't really be considered tastes, since you can feel them on other parts of your body besides your mouth. I once ate a meal that someone had accidentally dropped a Thai pepper seed in, and I was burning all the way out to my cheeks.
TEXT OF COMIC:
Wow, this pepper jack cheese is hot.
Peppers aren't hot. They just contain a chemical that stimulates the same sensors in your mouth that react to heat.
You know what I mean.
Same reason mint feels cold. The chemicals in it stimulate sensors that perceive cold. It's an illusion.
I am not interested in technicalities. I am interested in a glass of water.
You could say that "peppermint" is an oxymoron.
Comic #640
February 15 2010
MOUSEOVER TEXT: Double-stuff Oreos: tastes great and more filling.
I agree with Abby's last line. I'm much less angry about grammar errors if I know that the person knows better and made the error on purpose. Which seems very odd, when you think about it. Usually doing something wrong on purpose elicits more anger than doing it by accident.
TEXT OF COMIC:
If you keep eating so much candy, you'll have fillings in all your teeth by the time you graduate.
Hey, this particular candy happens to be sugar-free.
Tastes great, less fillings.
You know, if I made that pun, you would lecture me on my grammar for ten minutes.
Grammar experts have the privilege of creative license.
Comic #641
February 16 2010
MOUSEOVER TEXT: Blessed with faint praise. Bizarre.
"Visibly" and "noticeably": the two most counterintuitively effective words in advertising.
TEXT OF COMIC:
"Visibly clearer skin in days."
What?
"Visibly reduces the appearance of wrinkles." It's everywhere.
What's everywhere?
The word "visibly." In advertisements for cosmetic products. Am I the only person who is completely baffled by this?
Perhaps.
I mean, if you're buying a cosmetic product, it's supposed to go without saying that its effect will be, at the very least, visible. If it's not, then the product isn't serving its most basic purpose, and nobody would ever buy it more than once.
That's not how it works, Abby.
There have been actual studies showing that people using stuff like wrinkle creams are actually more likely to keep using them if they don't cause any noticeable improvement. They keep hoping it'll start working eventually.
But if it works right away, people get a "mission accomplished" sort of feeling, and stop using it.
That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard.
Yes, it is. But it's true. And that's why most products of that type don't actually make a visible difference, and people who are frustrated with that will swarm like flies onto anything that offers a guarantee of visible improvement.
And then quit using it.
Only if the advertising is true.
Comic #642
February 17 2010
MOUSEOVER TEXT: sorry. I don't know how to make an accent mark in Gimp.
I think the real answer is that, in order to be a cliche, the phrase had to be considered clever the first few times it was used.
TEXT OF COMIC:
Okay, Sharon, it's time for you to go home now. I have to hit the hay.
Someone once told me that "hit the hay" is a cliche.
Yes, it is. But I'm too tired to care.
What is a cliche, exactly?
A phrase that's used too much.
Well, "go to bed" is used a lot more than "hit the hay." So "go to bed" must be even more of a cliche than that.
No, see, a cliche is a phrase that's used too much, but "go to bed" is used just the right amount.
But it's used more than--
Yes, but it's supposed to be used that much. Therefore it isn't used too much. "Hit the hay," on the other hand, isn't supposed to be used nearly as often as it is.
What determines how much a phrase is supposed to be used?
Whether it's a cliche or not, I guess.
That is circular logic, isn't it?
You're outstaying your welcome, Sharon.
Comic #643
February 18 2010
MOUSEOVER TEXT: She forgot about 'Trials and Tribble-ations,' from Deep Space Nine.
Of course, I'm sure "The Menagerie" aired during Abby's lifetime only in the form of reruns, so by the time she saw it, it was an all-old episode.
In addition to cut-and-pasted Star Trek eps, there are also plenty of other shows that have review episodes and episodes containing flashbacks. Yet they're advertised as "all-new" episodes, too. I guess the phrase is pretty much meaningless.
TEXT OF COMIC:
...tonight on an all-new episode!
Why do they say that?
What?
"An all-new episode." Why not just "a new episode"?
I guess they want you to be assured that all of the episode is new, not just part of it.
But have you ever heard of a partly-new episode?
Yes.
Really?
"The Menagerie," from Star Trek, the Original Series.
At the time they made it, they were running behind schedule. So to save time, they just took an old episode-- the rejected first pilot, which had never actually aired-- and added some stuff to it, making a partly new episode.
Okay. Are there any others?
Not that I know of.
So by saying "an all-new episode," they're essentially reassuring us that it's not "The Menagerie."
Isn't that something you're glad to be assured of?
Comic #644
February 19 2010
MOUSEOVER TEXT: A doctor who recommends monounsaturated fats? Doctor EVOO.
I'd kind of like to see a reality cooking show.
Okay, scratch that-- I'd like to make one, by setting up a webcam in our kitchen. It would be the funniest dang thing ever.
TEXT OF COMIC:
I really wish people wouldn't watch so much TV in the break room at work.
All they ever watch is reality shows and cooking shows. Today there was some kind of talk show where Rachael Ray complained about people making jokes about EVOO.
What's EVOO?
Rachael Ray's cutesy term for extra virgin olive oil. Isn't it sad that I know that?
Yes. But what jokes were people making about EVOO?
I don't know. I bet I can think one up, though.
Oh! I've got it. What do you call the alliance formed by the countries of Spain and Italy?
What?
The Axis of EVOO.
It's good to see that break room TV hasn't totally warped your brain.
Comic #645
February 22 2010
MOUSEOVER TEXT: This assumes that the box contains at least ten of each flavor.
Coconut chocolates get a lot of bad publicity, but I actually don't mind them. The only thing I'll refuse to eat out of a chocolate box is a cherry cordial.
TEXT OF COMIC:
How come Cathy has all the luck?
She's got looks, money, popularity. All the guys want her and all the girls want to be her. She gets away with everything.
People shouldn't mathematically be able to be that lucky. The amount of good stuff and bad stuff should be more or less balanced throughout your lifetime, shouldn't it? Isn't that how probability works?
Well, it works that way for the majority of people. There will always be outliers, though.
Like, if you had a million people each choose ten pieces randomly from a box of chocolates, most of them would get some caramels and some coconuts. But some would get mostly caramels or mostly coconuts, and a rare few would get all caramels or all coconuts.
Even if something has a one-in-a-million chance of happening to any given person, pick a million people and the chances are that one of them will experience it. Having a charmed life like Cathy's is one of those things.
So Cathy could keep being lucky for the rest of her life.
Yeah. But her luck could also turn around at any time. You never know until your life is over.
When will her life be over?
Depends how lucky we are.
Comic #646
February 23 2010
MOUSEOVER TEXT: If you're born crazy, that good luck can lead to becoming a celebrity.
For some people, immense wealth encourages stupid decision-making.
TEXT OF COMIC:
Actually, I think Cathy's charmed life isn't entirely luck.
At least, I know that one piece of good luck can lead to others. It isn't just a series of unconnected random events that led to her having a lucky life.
If you're born rich, for instance, that good luck can cause other lucky things: you'll probably have a better job, be healthier, and have an easier time finding a mate. It's not guaranteed, but your chance of a lucky life is higher than if you were born poor.
That doesn't explain all the celebrities who have crappy lives.
At some point it stops being luck and starts being really stupid decision-making.
Comic #647
February 24 2010
MOUSEOVER TEXT: Rabbits without feet are very unlucky.
A four-leafed-clover, on the other hand, truly is lucky, because it was only through luck that you found it. (Unless you bought it encased inside a paperweight. Or you make a living raising clovers and breeding for that mutation.)
TEXT OF COMIC:
So do you even believe in luck?
Sure, if you define luck as "good or bad things happening to you that are outside your control."
Nobody can deny that we all experience things we like or dislike. And nobody can deny that some of those things are uncontrollable. We call the uncontrollable ones luck, and the ones we can control are called skill, wisdom or decision-making.
So, by definition, you can't control luck. It's stupid to say "A rabbit's foot brings me good luck." If carrying a rabbit's foot really does cause more good things to happen to you, then it's not luck. It's your own wisdom and good decision-making whereby you chose to carry the rabbit's foot.
Unless the fact that you had a rabbit's foot was entirely outside your control.
Which would probably mean you were a rabbit.
Comic #648
February 25 2010
MOUSEOVER TEXT: I really don't have an explanation for fascination with chipmunk voices.
Abby and Norma just cannot stop listening to radio stations they hate.
TEXT OF COMIC:
On my radar--
On my radar--
Abby, from the way you go all still and attentive whenever that song comes on, I'd swear you actually like listening to Britney Spears.
I guess I like her with the same part of my brain that likes Alvin and the Chipmunks.
Hah. She does have a bit of that chipmunk quality to her voice, doesn't she?
I wonder why some part of our minds is so fascinated with chipmunk voices, deformed bodies and anything that seems like a distortion of something we're familiar with.
Maybe we get some visceral thrill from the relief that our own bodies and voices aren't like that.
Every young singer's dream: record a song that makes the whole world think, "Holy CRAP I'm glad I'm not her."
Comic #649
February 26 2010
MOUSEOVER TEXT: Boringer sounds like an awesome last name.
Well, most adults aren't like you, Abby, they can actually tell play screams from murder screams. Nyah.
TEXT OF COMIC:
Eeeeeee!
Yaaaah!
Karen, Sharon, please shut up.
Maybe you guys can answer one of the burning questions that have arisen from my observation of you. Why does childish play so often involve screaming as if you were being murdered?
You'd think evolution would eliminate a behavior like that. If nobody can tell whether or not you're in deadly danger, how can you survive to adulthood?
Well, the main conclusion that has arisen from our observation of you is that adulthood is really, really boring. We're not sure we want to get there.
Being dead is boringer.
Comic #650
March 1 2010
MOUSEOVER TEXT: The stupid, rich mice would hire Rubik's cube stuntmen.
But then, of course, one is still encouraging mice to evolve a tendency to avoid traps.
Maybe it would be effective if you got them to evolve a tendency to avoid one kind of trap and to seek out another-- perhaps by leaving one kind of trap baited and set while leaving the other kind baited and not set-- and then suddenly you switched which traps were deadly.
But a few mice might survive after the switch, by having a tendency that was previously detrimental but suddenly became useful... and if they were enough to form a breeding population, the whole problem would start over again.
TEXT OF COMIC:
There are MICE in my dorm.
So set some traps.
I did. And the mice somehow managed to get the bait out without setting the traps off!
Wow. Have you tried sticky traps yet?
Yes, and I found them later with mouse fur and mouse poop in them, but no mouse.
I swear mice are evolving right before our eyes. And don't tell me evolution doesn't happen that fast, because it DOES, when there are really strong environmental pressures.
I mean, if I were breeding pet mice, and I killed all the weak and stupid ones and let the strong, smart ones breed, I'd have noticeably stronger, smarter mice within a few years. That's how breeding animals works. Especially animals with short lives, like mice.
And that is exactly what people are doing with traps: killing every mouse that is not strong and smart enough to escape them. We are breeding pests to be more successful at infesting our homes!
So what do we do? Invent a mousetrap that only kills smart mice?
Maybe it doesn't let the mouse in until he solves a little Rubik's cube.
Comic #651
March 2 2010
MOUSEOVER TEXT: Apparently Abby has gotten a little better at living in the present.
Further proof that you are not the same person you were as a child. The tooth fairy carried your childhood self away forever.
TEXT OF COMIC:
I donated $45 to the art center this month.
$45? That's a big donation for a college student.
You're too kind to other people. You should do more stuff for yourself sometimes. When I get money, I always put some away for myself. I have a pretty reasonable balance in my account by now.
I AM doing stuff for myself. Giving money to the art center makes me happy.
But what about your future? You're making yourself happy now, but you won't be so happy when you graduate with no money left.
Norma, you're doing the same thing you accuse me of. You're taking care of others at the expense of yourself.
What?
You're denying your present self all sorts of things for the sake of your future self. And, face it, your future self is another person. Go far enough into the future and your future self doesn't even contain any of the same atoms as your present self.
Yes I will. Tooth enamel doesn't get replaced.
Okay, tooth enamel doesn't. But all the matter in all the cells in the rest of your body will be replaced. Your tooth enamel is the only aspect in which you will be the same person when you get old.
So old people who lose their teeth also lose their identity.
Exactly. That's why they start losing their minds.
Comic #652
March 3 2010
MOUSEOVER TEXT: trouble is, if you don't wanna get ten years older, you have to die.
I am somewhat resigned to the fact that I will someday be replaced with an older person who has a mostly different body, largely different thought patterns, and similar but vaguer memories of the things I remember. It has happened to me several times already, and the death of the earlier self is always fairly painless.
TEXT OF COMIC:
Have you ever thought about whether there's any difference between dying and getting older?
What? Of course there's a difference.
So why are we all so scared of dying?
Because when you die, you don't exist anymore!
Well, same thing happens when you get older.
The body that's sitting in your chair at this moment won't exist ten years from now. There will still be a body, but it'll look and feel a lot different, and a lot of the matter in it will have been replaced with other matter.
Still, it won't be like being dead. At least I'll still have a body.
But how will it be YOU that has that body? What part of your identity will still be there?
My mind. The way I think and feel. That'll still be there.
No it won't. It'll be gone, and replaced with something similar, but certainly not identical. You can't honestly say that the way you thought ten years ago is the same as the way you think now.
But I'll still have my memories!
Your memories will also be replaced with a vague approximation of themselves. Some will be lost entirely. Ten years from now you're not going to remember what you ate this morning, or the plot of the book you read last week.
You'll still remember a lot of the same things you remember now, but many of those memories will be faded and distorted to make room for all the new memories you'll have.
Well, the person I'll be in the future is still similar enough to me for my tastes. I'm okay with it.
So would you be okay with dying if you were going to be replaced with a fairly, somewhat, sorta close facsimile of yourself?
No. And I know that doesn't make sense. But that's the way the human mind works, and space aliens like you will just have to get used to it.
I can't decide whether to stop being terrified of death or start being terrified of getting ten years older.
Comic #653
March 4 2010
MOUSEOVER TEXT: Never take it for granted that anyone raising Abby wouldn't want to poison her.
I have a lot of symptoms similar to those of PTSD, but they're all associated with social conflict.
TEXT OF COMIC:
Post-traumatic stress disorder is such a strange diagnosis.
How so?
It's defined by a bunch of symptoms, like nightmares and flashbacks and phobias. But it's also defined by the fact that those symptoms were caused by an experience where you were dealing with death or serious injury, or the threat of it.
So if you have all the symptoms and they're associated with a memory of being beaten half to death, that's PTSD.
Obviously.
But if you have the same symptoms, just as severely, and they're associated with the memory of, like, going to the doctor and getting a blood test when you were five, then you don't have PTSD. You're just irrationally phobic, because that experience had nothing to do with death or serious injury.
But the thing is, the thought processes could be very much the same in both cases. When you're five, a blood test might be the most painful thing you've ever experienced. From your perspective, it IS a serious injury.
And for all you know, it might be a threat of death, too. You have no way of knowing that the blood test isn't going to kill you. Sure, your parents say you'll be okay, but at that age your parents lie to you all the time.
Well, if you've figured out by the age of five that your parents are lying to you about Santa and the tooth fairy, then you're probably smart enough to realize that they have nothing to gain by sneaking ricin onto your doctor's lancet.
With my mother, I never took that kind of thing for granted.
Comic #654
March 5 2010
MOUSEOVER TEXT: pungatory
Actually, you can have your picture on a postage stamp without being dead if you have the stamps printed with certain photo printing services. That's always seemed kind of weird to me.
TEXT OF COMIC:
I hate it when I come up with a clever one-liner and nobody understands it.
Like what?
Like, "If you kill someone for saying that they want to have their picture on a postage stamp, is it assisted suicide?"
What? Why would you kill someone for saying that they want to have their picture on a postage stamp?
Because legally you have to be dead to have your picture on a postage stamp, so if someone says that, they are basically asking to be dead. That's why it might be assisted suicide. But I always have to explain that joke to everyone!
Well, first, if someone says they want to have their picture on a postage stamp, they're not necessarily asking to have it right away. And second, it's only assisted suicide if you help them kill themselves, by providing poison or something. Not if you kill them.
See, that's what's wrong with everyone! Nobody can take a joke! Everyone analyzes it!
If I told you a joke about a horse going to college, would you just look at me blankly and tell me horses don't go to college? If I told you a joke where a man died and went to heaven, would you point out that the Bible says nothing about people going to heaven immediately after death?
I don't know, but I know there's a special place of torment in the underworld for people who tell jokes like yours.
Comic #655
March 8 2010
MOUSEOVER TEXT: If you're a crackpot, are you high on both crack and pot?
I think intense citric acid should be handled with caution-- maybe not with as much caution as hard drugs, but some caution at least. I used to eat so much highly acidic sour candy that the skin on my tongue started to peel.
I guess it says something about me that this sort of thing is what I look back on when I think of my wild, careless youth...
TEXT OF COMIC:
...And then we watched a movie, and Mom made us chicken pot pies. It was great.
What are you talking about?
What are YOU talking about? Are you unable to believe that a quiet evening with my family could actually be great?
No, no. I just can't figure out exactly what a "pot pie" is.
Seriously? You don't know what a pot pie is?
Is it a pie made with marijuana? Like a pot brownie?
Oh, good lord.
When I was a kid, I never knew what "pot" was. I was always really confused that everyone made such a big deal over cookware.
I also thought "dropping acid" referred to that sour liquid candy in the eyedropper-shaped bottles.
Sometimes I think you really are high on candy.
Comic #656
March 9 2010
MOUSEOVER TEXT: yay for strip 656. only 10 more until 666.
Yup, that is what happens when you teach children to put up with discomfort for the sake of reward. They brush their teeth, eat their veggies, do their homework... and then become drug addicts. At least that's what Abby's tinfoil hat told her.
TEXT OF COMIC:
So you really used to think those sour candy drops were a drug?
I still think all sour candy is designed to prepare kids to be drug addicts.
All dangerous drugs involve pain or discomfort. Even alcohol and cigarettes feel terrible the first few times you use them. Sour candy is teaching kids to tolerate pain for the sake of pleasure that comes along with it-- getting them all ready to be druggies.
And you seriously can't say that Pixy Stix aren't a gateway drug to cocaine. Come on, they even come with straws to snort the powder through.
I bet you were exactly the kind of kid who would think of doing that.
Comic #657
March 10 2010
MOUSEOVER TEXT: mess is lore
Back when we used to watch TV, my husband always hit the mute button and covered his eyes when Charmin commercials came on. He said that they made wiping your butt look cutesy, which made him sick.
TEXT OF COMIC:
I hate these commercials for extra-thick toilet paper.
They start out by talking about how kids always pull too much toilet paper off the roll. And then they offer their solution: use thick cushy paper, so that your kids don't have to use as much. Do you see the inherent logical flaw in this?
If your kids always take too much toilet paper, there are two options that make sense. Number one: teach them to take less toilet paper. Or, number two: buy thin toilet paper that has more on the roll, so that it won't matter that they take so much.
Thick toilet paper accomplishes the exact opposite! It has less square footage of paper on the roll, so kids who take too much paper will use it up way faster! Am I the only person who is noticing this?
Hee hee.
What? What is so funny?
You said "number one" and "number two."
My outrage always falls on deaf ears.
Comic #658
March 11 2010
MOUSEOVER TEXT: the pain in spain stays mainly on the train
I still remember where I was when I heard about the train bombings. That's because I was studying abroad in Spain at the time. I was in Granada, not Madrid (where it happened), but I'd been in that same train station in Madrid only weeks earlier.
I was also there for the prime minister election and the prince's wedding. It was a very historic time.
TEXT OF COMIC:
Can we have a moment of solemnity? Today is the anniversary of the train bombing in Spain.
I need some time to sit in silence and ponder the reasons behind this sort of atrocity.
The people who did that were terrorists, Abby. They were madmen. There were no reasons for what they did.
Sure there were. Every crime has a motive, even if it's a totally loco one.
Abby, I can't believe you.
What?
Right after you asked for a moment of solemnity, you go and make a pun!
What pun?
A train pun. Loco motive. You even used a Spanish word, to work in the fact that it happened in Spain! You're disgusting.
You sure seem interested in going out of your way to look for puns.
If you hadn't said it, I wouldn't have to look for it.
The pun police have evolved into state terrorists.
Comic #659
March 12 2010
MOUSEOVER TEXT: Addiction. Did action. I don't acid. CIA did not.
I'm not addicted to writing these comics. I could stop any time. Really.
TEXT OF COMIC:
Okay, Abby, I've got to go. It's time for my cigarette break.
Addicts are such depressing people.
I'm not addicted. I could quit if I wanted to.
And you're even more depressing when you say that.
If you're addicted, stop lying to yourself. And if you aren't addicted, then stop before you get addicted! The fact that you haven't stopped means that you are either an addict in denial, or an abysmal idiot.
You actually think those are the only two options.
Well, I guess there's also the possibility that you could be both.
Comic #660
March 15 2010
MOUSEOVER TEXT: yay for strip 660. only 6 more until 666.
I've always wondered why the credit police don't consider me responsible enough. Personally, I wouldn't even consider buying a sofa that I would have to pay for in installments. If it's not at a thrift store for 50 bucks or less, I'm not interested.
TEXT OF COMIC:
Did you buy that new sofa you were going to get for your dorm?
No. It was too expensive. I tried to apply for the paying-in-installments option, but they denied me because I have no credit.
Aw. I guess you'll have to get a credit card someday, so you can build some.
That's so stupid.
I think that people who are judging you based on your credit should consider "no credit" to be the best kind! I mean, it proves that you're responsible enough never to buy anything you can't afford.
If you have "good credit," that means that you've bought a whole bunch of stuff that you couldn't afford, but you managed to pay for it eventually. How is that better than not buying it in the first place?
I think credit card companies are secretly in charge of this whole system.
Secretly?
Comic #661
March 16 2010
MOUSEOVER TEXT: Or is that just the musical sound of temporal relativity in action?
I guess Abby is reasoning that, if there really are infinite universes with all conceivable and inconceivable things happening in them, then there's got to be at least one where time slows down relative to this universe during each of the moments when Norma in this universe is pushing the button.
TEXT OF COMIC:
Ugh, I wish I could fast-forward through this whole day of school.
Here.
What's this?
It's a magic remote control. You can fast-forward your life to wherever you want it.
Hmm. Doesn't seem to be working.
That's because when you hit the button, everything speeds up, including your thought processes. So you don't notice any difference.
So what am I speeding things up in relation to?
In relation to the progression of time in an alternate universe that you'll never see.
So you could alternatively say that time in this alternate universe slows down when I press the button.
Or maybe it just makes the CD player in the other room turn on.
Comic #662
March 17 2010
MOUSEOVER TEXT: In honor of St. Patrick's day, today's comic has no snakes in it.
I'm guessing the meaning of the word "butt" that refers to the hind end of a human being came from the meaning that refers to the upper end of a pig leg, since they're both pretty much the same body part. (I still laugh a little every time I'm in the meat cooler at work and I see a package of "pork butt roast." I guess the word "butt" is tied to the humor centers of our brain from early childhood.)
TEXT OF COMIC:
Okay, Abby, you've gotta go back to your dorm.
Aw, why?
I have to get ready for my mom. She's visiting and bringing her new laptop, which she needs me to teach her how to use.
When my relatives ask me for free tech support, I kick them in their butt.
Don't you mean "their butts"?
I don't really like the word "butts."
Um, that made no sense.
I don't like the word "butts" because I feel as if "butt" is already plural, since it's short for the plural word "buttocks."
I'm not sure your etymology is right, Abby. The butt of a rifle is the end of the rifle. The butt of a joke is the receiving end of the joke. It's not short for "buttocks" in those cases. I think "butt" probably referred to the end of something before the word "buttocks" even existed.
When my friends offer me free linguistic advice, I kick them in even worse places.
Okay, but you need to get your butt out of here before my mom sees what kind of weirdos I'm associating with.
My butt are not going to leave this chair.
Comic #663
March 18 2010
MOUSEOVER TEXT: and seven and zero are the only ones with two syllables
Oh, and four is the only number that is equal to the number of letters in its name! And, and two and six are the only ones with only one vowel, except for ten, but ten doesn't count because I'm talking about the first ten numbers, and I'm counting them starting with zero. See, Hans? I can totally do math!
TEXT OF COMIC:
I have a good understanding of math. Don't I, Hans?
What? Are you serious?
Compared to most people, I'm good at math.
Yeah, I guess you're in the top 20 percent. But considering that 80% of adults in the world don't even remember fourth grade fractions, that's not saying much.
So you don't even think I'm slightly gifted in math?
You're a language expert, and language will always come first for you.
I'm not just good at language! I can do amazing things in math, too!
What is significant about the numbers two, four and six?
Of the first ten numbers, they're the only ones whose names don't contain the letter "e."
I rest my case.
Also, they are the only ones whose names begin with the same letters as the names of the numbers immediately following them.
Comic #664
March 19 2010
MOUSEOVER TEXT: 'lemonade' is an anagram for 'demon ale'
Abby accepts the bribe, but then goes home and changes the listing anyway, because that's what Abby is like.
TEXT OF COMIC:
Wow, Karen. I've never seen a lemonade stand do this well-- and it's not even hot out. What's your secret?
There's a new jewelry store three blocks from here, and they've been advertising a lot on the radio.
So people come to your stand on their way to the jewelry store?
No. They come here by mistake.
How do they mistake your lemonade stand for a jewelry store?
I made a bogus listing for the jewelry store on Google Maps, claiming it was at this address.
People who follow the wrong set of Google Maps directions end up here. And I tell them, "Oh, I get that a lot, someone must've put up the wrong address. Here, I'll tell you the right way to get there." And then they're so grateful that they buy lemonade.
Karen, you are an evil genius. But I'm going to have to correct that Google Maps listing when I get home.
And when people say that, I bribe them.
Comic #665
March 22 2010
MOUSEOVER TEXT: tell me how to migrate, how to migrate to Sesame Street...
I've been to the gator swamps where snowy egrets nest. I think those particular snowy egrets are year-round residents, though.
TEXT OF COMIC:
Looks as if the snowy egrets are just finishing up their northward migration.
Don't they spend winter in Florida or something? I heard they nest over swamps full of alligators.
Well, anyway, they're going north now. Look at this migration map. Some of them are in New York already.
Hmm. There are even some of them in Queens. I never thought any bird but a pigeon could live in Queens.
Come on, Hans. All sorts of things can live in Queens. That's where Sesame Street was filmed. If Big Bird can live there, so can an egret.
I think it would be sort of awful if an egret lost its way and ended up on Sesame Street. If there's anything worse than being eaten by a gator, it's being eaten by Cookie Monster.
Cookie Monster wouldn't eat an egret unless he was going senile.
Monster gets old. Lost egrets. Nom!
Ron, I didn't even know you were over there.
Comic #666
March 23 2010
MOUSEOVER TEXT: Yay for strip 666. What, you thought I was going to do something special?
I once typed "vulva" when I meant to type "Vulcan." It really would not have fit into the context...
TEXT OF COMIC:
What's that, Cathy?
If you must know, it's a birthday card for my boyfriend.
Which boyfriend is this? Is it still the same one as last week?
Shut up. I didn't ask you to judge me. This is just a simple, heartfelt note telling the man in my life how I feel about him.
I've gotta see this.
Abby, you little--
Hmm. What are you trying to say with this, exactly?
I'm trying to say "Happy birthday to my precious boyfriend." I thought you could read.
Well, you typed "Happy birthday to my previous boyfriend."
Give me a break. I have long nails, and C and V are right next to each other.
I'm going to take this as a Freudian slip.
Comic #667
March 24 2010
MOUSEOVER TEXT: You don't find out anything if you throw stuff at a handcuffed suspect.
I thought of offering this as a guest strip for Left-Handed Toons, but then I would have had to draw it with my left hand. It wouldn't have looked much different, since drawing an Abby and Norma comic is basically just copying and pasting, but it would have taken way too long.
TEXT OF COMIC:
You know how, in mystery stories, the detective sometimes throws an object at a suspect to see whether he catches it with his right or left hand?
What?
You know. Like, if there's evidence that the crime was committed by a left-handed person, and the suspect catches with his right hand, he's cleared. Or the other way around.
So?
So, I've discovered that I am completely immune to this tactic! I can get away with any crime specific to my dominant hand, because nobody can find out which hand that is by throwing me something!
How come?
Because when someone throws something at me, I usually just paw at the air with both hands, fail to catch the object, and get hit in the face.
Catch.
Aaaaa!
Your strength is also a weakness. Be careful who you tell about it.
Thanks.
Comic #668
March 25 2010
MOUSEOVER TEXT: I think demanding a book in two minutes might be an excessive wish, though.
If the customer is nasty enough, the customer's wishes and your safety might be the same thing.
TEXT OF COMIC:
You're doing a good job working here, Abby, but you need to get better at using proper safety procedures. The other day I saw you climbing up a bookshelf without using a ladder.
Cathy does that all the time and she gets away with it.
We're not talking about Cathy right now, we're talking about you. You climbed a shelf without a ladder, and that's not safe.
There was a customer who wanted a book from the top shelf, and he said he needed to get the book in time to catch his bus in two minutes. There wasn't a ladder close enough for me to get it there in two minutes.
Well, you should still have put safety first.
I thought we always put the customer first.
Usually, but if we have to choose between our safety and the customer's wishes, we choose safety.
Well, if safety really comes before the customer's wishes, then I shouldn't ever get anything from a high shelf for a customer, because it's always safer for me to stay on the floor than to climb a ladder.
No, no. A reasonable level of safety comes before a customer's reasonable wishes, which come before an excessive level of safety, which comes before a customer's excessive wishes.
Wait, wait, I have to draw a diagram. How many levels down is the customer's safety?
You think too much for a job like this.
Comic #669
March 26 2010
MOUSEOVER TEXT: This is the sort of thing that gets Abby into most of her legal troubles.
"Anything you say will be used against you" is kind of a weird-sounding sentence, but it clearly means the same as "Everything you say will be used against you." Both mean "If you say things, each one of those things will be used against you." The word "will" makes it clear that the predicate "be used against you" applies to all things said.
However, "Anything you say can be used against you" doesn't mean quite the same as "Everything you say can be used against you," because the latter definitely implies that it is possible (though not necessarily inevitable) for a trial to occur in which every single thing said by the defendant is used against him, whereas the former could possibly (but does not necessarily) refer to a situation where there is a limit on how many of the things said by the defendant can be used against him.
TEXT OF COMIC:
I can't figure out what the deal is with cops in TV shows reading suspects their rights.
They're always like, "Anything you say can and will be used against you in a court of law." Do real cops actually say that?
I suppose so.
But why do they say "can AND WILL be used against you?" Why not just "can be used against you?" It's like they're GUARANTEEING that anything the guy says is gonna be turned against him in court.
Anything! Even if he says something totally harmless, like "ouch" or "can I have a glass of water?" And there's no way they can keep that promise. No lawyer's that good.
I suppose that if you got arrested, you could argue that your Fifth Amendment rights were violated because some of the things you said weren't used against you.
Oh my gosh, I am going to go get arrested right now just so I can do that.
Comic #670
March 29 2010
MOUSEOVER TEXT: At least she doesn't call him 'Hanners.'
"A sinister power in the west..." I suppose you could take that as a pun, but only if you assume north is up.
TEXT OF COMIC:
Hans? Do you have any idea why Japan calls itself the Land of the Rising Sun?
Huh?
The Land of the Rising Sun. That's what Japan calls itself. That red circle on their own flag is a freakin' rising sun. How does that make any sense?
Japan's in the east. And the sun rises in the east. Makes perfect sense to me.
News flash, Han-chan. THE WORLD IS ROUND. Japan isn't any more "in the east" than any other country.
The only way it could make sense to think of Japan as being "in the east" is if you lived somewhere to the west of Japan! The only time you'd ever see the sun rising over Japan is if you were someplace west of it! It makes no sense for JAPAN to call ITSELF "the Land of the Rising Sun"!
Do you know what this means? It means Japan is being SECRETLY CONTROLLED by a sinister power in the west! The very flag of their nation was designed by some mysterious western menace!
Are you listening to a single word I'm saying?
What? Sorry. I'm still trying to recover from being called "Han-chan."
Someday the world will be sorry it ignored me.
Comic #671
March 30 2010
MOUSEOVER TEXT: The shower is just meant to test your decency.
I suppose, by the same logic, you could say that the consistent absence of air conditioning is an indication that they want her to sit around her dorm naked. At least in the summer.
TEXT OF COMIC:
Okay, so it's illegal to be naked in a public place, like a city street.
Huh? Yeah, it is.
And it's legal to be naked in a private place, like a house, as long as the owner of the place is okay with it.
Um, yes, that's true. Why--
And, if the owner of the private property has not clearly indicated whether or not he's okay with you being naked-- as is the case in, say, most grocery stores-- then you're supposed to assume he's not okay with it.
Yes. Why are you bringing this up?
Well, what if I own a house, and I'm sitting around naked in it, and someone knocks on my door? If I say "Come in," am I committing a crime? I mean, it's my house, and I'm okay with me being naked there. I'm not sure if there's anything in the law books about that.
Good god, Abby. Are you going to deconstruct the whole system of laws about indecent exposure?
I'm just trying to figure out what's legal and what isn't! It's not like someone posts big signs all over the place with these laws on them!
Why would you even want to be naked in front of other people?
I'm not saying I do! I just want to know if it's safe to sit around my dorm naked. What if maintenance comes in without knocking? They do that sometimes.
I'm sure you won't get in trouble for that, Abby.
How can you be sure? I mean, the owners of the dorm building haven't clearly indicated whether or not they're okay with me being naked on their property.
If they weren't, they wouldn't have put a shower in your dorm.
Really? I thought the consistent absence of warm water in the shower was an indication that they didn't want me to use it.
Comic #672
March 31 2010
MOUSEOVER TEXT: Two bits = 1/4 byte.
Shave the rabbits! I mean save the rabbits!
Seriously, I have no idea what goes on when companies test health and beauty products on rabbits. I get this image of a bunny trying on makeup and then my brain just shuts down.
TEXT OF COMIC:
Ew. That guy smells like Gillette shaving gel.
What's wrong with that?
I don't know-- it just has bad feelings associated with it in my mind. Everyone complains about them doing experiments on helpless bunnies, or something.
Why would anyone need to dissect a rabbit in order to test shaving products?
I don't know. Probably they just shave the rabbits to test whether their razors are safe, and whether their shave gel is poisonous or not. But for all I know, they might dissect them for some reason, too.
Shave and a hare cut to bits!
I am not forgiving you for that comment, Abby.
Comic #673
April 1 2010
MOUSEOVER TEXT: Abby's gonna get in trouble. Their store banned April Fool jokes, remember?
I don't know if the first of the month is actually a busy day for bookstores. I know it is for general retail. Apparently a fair percentage of people get their paychecks on the first of the month, and are eager to spend them.
TEXT OF COMIC:
Today's going to be a busy day. The first of the month is always busy.
Oh, crud, is it really the first? I didn't get much sleep last night. I really, really don't want to be overworked today.
April Fool! It's not actually the first of the month.
Oh, thank god.
Wait, you wouldn't've said "April Fool" if it weren't the first.
Yup, that's right, it is! April Fool again!
This is going to be a long, long day.
Comic #674
April 2 2010
MOUSEOVER TEXT: I always secretly end prayers with 'Ramen.'
I think the reason I hate drinking alcohol is because I was raised Catholic, and Catholics start drinking communion wine around the age of seven. If your first exposure to alcohol was communion wine (not the best wine out there), at the age of seven (an age when nobody likes the taste of alcohol), then how are you ever going to like it?
Of course, there are plenty of Catholics who do enjoy drinking alcohol, so there must be some flaw in that logic, but I can't imagine where it could possibly be.
TEXT OF COMIC:
Take these noodles, all of you, and eat of them, for this is the body of the Flying Spaghetti Monster, which has been boiled and served for you.
Take this marinara sauce, all of you, and drink of it, for this is the blood of the Flying Spaghetti Monster, which has been simmered and poured for you.
That is a horrible Easter prayer.
Not "Easter," Sharon. "Pastaver."
Comic #675
April 5 2010
MOUSEOVER TEXT: if there's a glitch, you're an ostrich
I like giving figures of speech new meanings. Also Twitter trending topics.
TEXT OF COMIC:
There's a new movie I can't wait to see. Want to come with me, Abby?
Seeing movies in the theater costs too much.
If you keep paying to see movies, you'll eventually be so poor that you won't be able to afford clothes and food and a house. You'll live under a bridge and wear paper bags. It'll be so ugly. You'll have to stick your head in the sand like an ostrich.
Ostriches don't really stick their heads in the sand, you know.
Yes they do. They just don't do it to hide. They do it to find food.
Well, you were saying I would do it to hide, because I'd be so ashamed of being poor.
No, I was saying you would have to dig for bugs in the ground to eat, like an ostrich, because you couldn't afford food. Weren't you listening?
Nobody will ever understand your figures of speech if you don't use the same meanings for them that everyone else uses.
Comic #676
April 6 2010
MOUSEOVER TEXT: Someday I shall build a ship outside a Klein bottle.
Klein bottle hats and Moebius strip scarves are awesome. But I would totally sell mine for a million dollars, because then I could buy a lot more of them.
TEXT OF COMIC:
It's interesting that there doesn't seem to be any clear definition of a "gift."
A gift is something you willingly transfer from your possession to someone else's, without them giving you anything in return.
So if I give you a Christmas present and then you give me one because you feel an obligation, are those not gifts?
Well, you aren't clearly setting out criteria for what you want in return, so I think they still would be gifts.
The thing is, it's hard to prove whether someone ever did set out such criteria.
Why would you need to prove it?
There are laws that rely on the definition of a gift. You can't legally give away more than $11,000 a year without facing a steep tax. But it would be so easy to get around that law, just by requesting some nominal little thing in return when you give the money.
If I ever want to give you a million dollars, Norma, remind me to make it very clear that I'm actually buying your Klein bottle hat.
My Klein bottle hat is not for sale, even for a million dollars.
Comic #677
April 7 2010
MOUSEOVER TEXT: That would be an awesome insult. 'You're in the same class as a hamburger.'
It's very natural to see more diversity within one's own group. This applies not only to classes, like Mammalia, but pretty much every type of division, including species and even race, gender and age. Humans aren't the only ones who do it, either. I have a lot of trouble telling individual chipmunks apart, but chipmunks manage it just fine. They don't seem to notice the differences between individual humans, though.
Parrots, on the other hand, can get very good at telling humans apart, and often develop an intense preference for a particular gender of humans, or even a particular human. I think animals that have spent their lives with humans learn to consider humans part of "their group."
I suppose the same is true of humans who spend a lot of time with others of a different race, gender or age. Exposure is what widens one's sense of "group." I think we all need more of it.
TEXT OF COMIC:
I wish I had a parrot. The no-pets-in-the-dorm policy sucks.
A parrot? I always imagined you wanting some vicious animal like a python.
Parrots can be really vicious! Some of them have beaks big enough to bite off your hand.
But they use those beaks to crack nuts. They don't even eat meat.
Sure they do. They can live as vegetarians, but in the wild they're omnivores. Parrots in the wild eat lizards, bugs, even other birds' eggs and babies sometimes.
Ew! They eat other birds?
Yes. Actually I've heard that if you're going to feed animal products to a pet parrot, the healthiest ones to give him are eggs and poultry.
That... seems wrong. A parrot eating a chicken.
Birds are as diverse as mammals, Norma. A parrot and a chicken are as different from each other as a cat and a mouse, or a wolf and a caribou, or you and a hamburger.
I am nothing like a hamburger!
People are always able to see more diversity within their own group, aren't they?
Comic #678
April 8 2010
MOUSEOVER TEXT: Comic number 678! Only 111 until 789!
That is the same story that's behind my own vegetarianism, actually. Well, that and the harm that livestock do to the environment, and the feeling that never being born might just be better than being born if you're an animal that's going to be slaughtered.
TEXT OF COMIC:
So are you saying that if you had a parrot, you would feed him chicken?
No, actually, because I don't eat chicken. You know that. I don't eat any birds. Or mammals.
Why is that, anyway? Is it because of those t-shirts that say "95 lives are saved by a vegetarian each year"?
Heck no. Those t-shirts are bullcrap.
Sure, being a vegetarian means you eat about 95 fewer animals a year than the average meat-eater. But do you think those animals are happily living to old age somewhere?
Um... I guess not.
When vegetarianism reduces the demand for meat, farmers just breed fewer animals. By not eating those 95 animals, I'm preventing them from being born-- which isn't the same thing as saving their lives. Pretty much the opposite, actually.
So why DON'T you eat them?
I just haven't been able to put meat in my mouth without gagging, ever since I tried Vienna sausage.
A picky eater AND a vegetarian. Poor you.
Comic #679
April 9 2010
MOUSEOVER TEXT: I hid a horcrux in a whore-crotch
Abby needn't worry. She really is kind of immortal. As long as these jpegs exist, Abby will be alive.
TEXT OF COMIC:
I've discovered how to cheat death, Norma. I have discovered how to extend my life beyond the grave by transferring myself into other people's bodies!
Oh really.
I have realized that, when you get to know someone, a part of your mind BECOMES A COPY OF THAT PERSON'S MIND. The closer you are to the person, the more accurate the copy is. It reasons according to that person's thought patterns, and comes up with things that person would come up with.
You know how I'm sometimes like "If my mom were here, you know what she would say?" or "Wow, I bet Hans would love to get this for his birthday." The reason I can do that is because parts of my mind have learned to simulate Hans and Mom. They have become little copies of those people.
So?
So, in order to live beyond death, I just have to get to know a lot of people really, really well! That way I can copy myself into their brains! Even after I'm dead, parts of their minds will continue to reason like me, think the things I think, and like the things I like.
I am more powerful then Orochimaru! He could only transfer himself into one person's body at a time. I bet I can do twenty!
But they're just approximations of you. And they only take up part of the person's mind. And they can't even control the body. And when those people die, they can't pass them on to someone else.
If I do enough, it still adds up to better than Orochimaru.
Still not better than Voldemort.
Comic #680
April 12 2010
MOUSEOVER TEXT: Goom and brlow?
This sort of thing happens to my brain way too much.
TEXT OF COMIC:
Edelweiss, Edelweiss...
Don't tell me you have that song stuck in your head.
The worst part is that whenever it gets to the part that goes "Blossom of snow, may you bloom and grow," some semiconscious part of my brain keeps Spoonerizing the words "bloom and grow."
"Gloom and bro"?
No, it doesn't just switch the first letters. It switches the second letters.
"Groom and blow"?
No, the second letters and not the first letters. I mean...
You mean "broom and glow"?
No. Actually the phrase I kept thinking of was "boom and grlow," but you've proven yourself so much more sane than my semiconscious mind.
Your semiconscious mind needs to be locked up somewhere.
Comic #681
April 13 2010
MOUSEOVER TEXT: My jewelry business is a non-profit organization by that definition.
Profit is a complicated concept. If non-profit means that all the money they receive goes into running the organization, then how do you define "goes into running the organization"? If paying employees counts, is there a limit on how much employees can be paid? I'm sure the law says something about this, but I'd have to look it up.
TEXT OF COMIC:
I think I'd like to get a job with a non-profit organization someday.
What's the use of a job if you don't get paid?
A lot of non-profit organizations pay their employees.
Then how can they be considered non-profit?
If they make enough money to pay their employees and they can still be considered non-profit, then they could make enough money to give their higher-ups huge bonuses and still be considered non-profit!
By that logic every business in the world is a non-profit organization! Where do you draw the line?
I'm sure the law books draw the line somewhere. There's a limit on how much money you can make and still be a non-profit.
But then the name "non-profit organization" is inaccurate. We should only use that term for organizations that make NO money.
So you think "non-profit organization" should become a name for any completely unsuccessful organization.
It would be more ACCURATE that way.
Comic #682
April 14 2010
MOUSEOVER TEXT: Delsym spelled backwards is mysled.
I had the same misunderstanding of the word "misled" when I was a kid, but luckily I heard someone else read it aloud before I ever tried to.
TEXT OF COMIC:
Abby, can we go to the zoo?
Let's just hang out in here instead, okay?
Aw, why?
I don't want to be in a position of that much responsibility, Sharon. I'm good at keeping you guys entertained, but I'm terrible at taking care of you. Every time I've gone anywhere with you, it's ended with your mom forbidding you to visit me.
I'm not falling for that excuse, Abby. You know perfectly well that every time Mom forbids me to see you, I manage to talk her out of it. Don't try and misle me into staying inside on a nice day like this.
Misle? That's not even a word.
Sure it is. It means to trick someone. I read it in a book.
Show me the book. There is no way you know a word I don't know.
Wanna bet? If I prove you wrong, will you take me to the zoo?
Bring it.
Here. "And then, when the gate slammed shut behind him, he knew he had been misled."
Sharon, that word is pronounced "mis-led," and its present tense is "mislead," not "misle."
But still, "misle" technically is a word you didn't know. I'm still saying I won the bet.
Yes, let's go to the zoo. I would really like to feed you to something with big teeth.
Comic #683
April 15 2010
MOUSEOVER TEXT: Poor Abby.
Abby doesn't actually believe in an afterlife, and she does believe that engines are useful for some things, like buses. She just can't resist a pun.
TEXT OF COMIC:
You should really learn to drive.
Cars suck, Mom. They pollute and they kill people.
They also make life a lot more convenient. You couldn't come home and visit me if I didn't have a car to drive you. There isn't a bus route.
I don't WANT to come home and visit you. And some people say the internal combustion engine was a great invention, but I think the jerks who invented it were condemned to eternal infernal combustion.
What?
And I'm condemned to a week of wasting my puns.
Comic #684
April 16 2010
MOUSEOVER TEXT: A 'weird child' sign would be useful in some places.
I had this same issue with those signs when I was younger. If there isn't an actual deaf child standing next to the sign, why would you assume it's meant literally?
TEXT OF COMIC:
You know, I didn't always know what those signs meant.
What signs?
Road signs saying "deaf child."
They're pretty straightforward, Abby.
When I was a kid, I thought it was a metaphorical term for some kind of corner or street. Like a blind alley or a dead end.
That's silly. You were such a literal-minded kid... why didn't you interpret it the literal way?
Because I learned really early that the world was full of metaphors that didn't make sense, so I started expecting to see them everywhere.
And I also thought of street signs as being permanent, so it wouldn't have occurred to me that they would put one up to indicate an actual deaf child. What would they do if the kid moved? Or grew up?
Did I ever tell you that I tried to get the city to put up a sign by our house saying "weird child"?
I would not be surprised if you were actually serious about that.
Comic #685
April 19 2010
MOUSEOVER TEXT: Some people do treat their college like a spouse. They even wear rings.
Actually, Abby's mom might be more likely to be estranged from her husband if he hadn't been a football player. I doubt any nerd would stay with her for long.
TEXT OF COMIC:
Here, Abby. I've gotten you a copy of your college fight song. You'll need to learn it if you're going to make any normal friends.
Yeah right, like making friends with football players and cheerleaders ever did anybody any good.
Show some gratitude. If I hadn't started dating a football player, you wouldn't exist.
And you wouldn't be bitterly estranged from the father of your child. What does this part even mean?
What part?
"We will forever be faithful and true." What would even constitute being unfaithful to a college? Taking a course at another college?
The point of college has nothing to do with taking courses, Abby.
It's sad that that comment is completely typical of you.
Being faithful to your school means never cheering for another school's football team.
I can promise you right now that I'll never do that.
Comic #686
April 20 2010
MOUSEOVER TEXT: Starling Trek: The Alien Invasive Species.
I got the idea for this strip in a dream the other night. Seriously. If I ever find a magic potion that makes all my dreams come true, there will suddenly be adventurous starlings flying around in spaceships. Will this make the world a better place? I don't know.
TEXT OF COMIC:
So I survived going home to visit my mom.
Good for you, Abby. You truly are an all-star.
What's an "all-star," anyway?
I'm not really sure.
In German, "All" means "outer space," and "Star" means "starling."
Hmm.
The adventures of... SPACE STARLING!
I'm pretty sure that wasn't the meaning I had in mind.
Comic #687
April 21 2010
MOUSEOVER TEXT: A professor who thinks there's such a thing as too much information? Shame.
Abby always seems to be the student in the back of the classroom. Obviously it's because a wall is easier to draw than a roomful of students, but it fits her personality, too.
TEXT OF COMIC:
And so if we could all open our books to page... Abby, why are you getting up?
I'm going to the bathroom, Professor Michaelson.
How can that be? You went to the bathroom about twenty minutes ago.
Well, it happens to be a time of the month when I have to go to the bathroom a lot, for three different bodily functions.
Good Lord, Abby. Why did you have to say that? That was way too much information.
Well, gee, if you aren't prepared to hear too much information, then maybe you could try NOT ASKING PEOPLE WHY THEY HAVE TO GO TO THE BATHROOM.
I'll... take that under advisement.
Also, don't ask for more details when people tell you they're sick. And don't even start a conversation with anyone who's pregnant.
Comic #688
April 22 2010
MOUSEOVER TEXT: 'I think not!' said Descartes, and vanished.
Actually, "therefore" is used more often to express deduction than causation. Strangely, I always think of it as a true synonym for "so," even though it's used quite differently.
Sometimes I don't notice nuances in how words are used until people point them out to me. I never realized that there was a difference in usage between "have to" and "need to," until my husband mentioned it: something you "need to" do is usually also something you want to do, while something you "have to" do is usually something that another person is pushing you to do.
TEXT OF COMIC:
I didn't always understand the quote "I think, therefore I am."
Uh-huh.
I used to think it meant "I cause myself to exist by thinking." Which makes absolutely no sense, but then most philosophy seems to make no sense if you aren't a philosopher, so I didn't question my interpretation.
Uh-huh.
Then I found out that it was just a philosopher saying, "Well, I can't be sure anything's real; I might be imagining it all; but at least I know I exist, because otherwise I couldn't be thinking."
Uh-huh.
So it was a problem of unclear phrasing. It's like when you say, "He was here, because his footprints are here." That's not literally true. His footprints being here didn't cause him to be here; it was the other way around.
Uh-huh.
What you really mean is "I know he was here because I know his footprints are here." And what Descartes really meant was "I know I think, therefore I know I am." I wish he'd said what he meant. Am I the only person who ever nitpicked that?
Uh-huh.
I think weird, therefore I am weird.
Comic #689
April 23 2010
MOUSEOVER TEXT: Who wants 'My Mouth is Made of Human Flesh' on a t-shirt?
I remember hearing somewhere that there's a whole pseudoscience that involves pulling gummy bears randomly out of a bag and observing what color you get.
TEXT OF COMIC:
Want some gummy bears?
Eegh, no.
Hey, what's wrong with gummy bears?
They're the exact same consistency as human flesh.
...Aaaand this is relevant because?
Because my mouth is made of human flesh. And whenever I eat gummy bears, I accidentally bite the inside of my own mouth, because I can't tell the two apart.
You have problems nobody else has.
Comic #690
April 26 2010
MOUSEOVER TEXT: Be kind to your skin-eating friends.
The article even includes a picture of one of the cute little guys.
TEXT OF COMIC:
Here, Karen. If you don't want to have to make your bed, show your mom this article.
Wow. Dust mites?
Yeah, they live and breed a lot better in beds that are made. Leaving the bedding strewn all over the place exposes them to a lot of dry air, which dehydrates and kills them.
So... so if I leave my bed unmade, I'm killing thousands of tiny cute little bugs?
I wouldn't describe them as "cute."
I LIKE bugs!
Comic #691
April 27 2010
MOUSEOVER TEXT: That's what you get for listening to Abby.
I wonder if she's requiring them to wash the pillows daily, too. I read that after you've had a pillow a few years, dust mites and their droppings can make up 10% of its weight.
TEXT OF COMIC:
Abby, Mom overheard me telling Sharon that she needs to make her bed if she doesn't want to kill a thousand poor little dust mites.
Cool. I bet your mom is proud of you, making sure both your beds are made.
No! My mom went and read that article about dust mites surviving better in beds that are made, and she PANICKED!
So now she doesn't want you to make your bed? Well, at least you'll have more time to do your own stuff.
No. Now she wants us to put all our bedding in the washing machine every morning.
Sucks to be you.
Comic #692
April 28 2010
MOUSEOVER TEXT: Is Sharon a sharing person?
Ooh, another article with the same adorable picture.
TEXT OF COMIC:
I feel so terrible, Abby.
I was trying to make sure Sharon and I kept our beds neatly made, for the poor dust mites' sake. But when Mom found out that making your bed is good for dust mites, she started washing the bedclothes every day. I've made things so much worse for my little bug friends.
Well, you could encourage your mom to use a cold water cycle. Check out this article.
Ooh! "Cold water barely kills any dust mites."
Just tell her it's good for the environment.
It sure is! Think of all the little animals we're going to save!
You're such a caring person.
Comic #693
April 29 2010
MOUSEOVER TEXT: Of course, even visiting the Talosians is punishable by death.
I do think the mechanism that causes Stockholm Syndrome is probably the same mechanism that makes it possible for children to bond with a new guardian in the event that the parents are out of the picture. Adoption and kidnapping usually happen for different reasons, but they're both situations where a kid suddenly has a new adult in control, without having any ultimate choice in the matter. In either case a coping mechanism is necessary.
It's probably a similar mechanism in biological families, too, as Abby says. Kids have to learn to cope with captivity in every family, because all functioning families are, in a sense, dictatorships. (If they could be democracies governed by majority vote, nobody would ever dare have more than one kid.)
TEXT OF COMIC:
Karen's mother is such a jerk. She reminds me of my mother when I was Karen's age.
Oh, please, don't start going on about your traumatic childhood again. It wasn't even that traumatic.
Every childhood is traumatic, Norma. Childhood is a time when someone else controls everything that happens to you. It's captivity-- and to quote the Talosians, human beings have an aversion to captivity, even when it's pleasant and benevolent.
The only reason most people don't hate their parents is because most people are capable of developing Stockholm syndrome. And I guess I'm not, so I'm a little worse off than most people.
You have the most dismal view of the world I've ever seen.
Probably because of my traumatic childhood.
Comic #694
April 30 2010
MOUSEOVER TEXT: Norma's attempts to get a job never seem to get off the ground.
If your family is all the same race, does running a family business count as racial discrimination?
TEXT OF COMIC:
I just tried to get a part-time job at the grocery store, but the owner of the store gave the job to his son instead.
That's too bad.
His son's an idiot! I am sooo much better qualified!
Well, you can't do anything about it.
Isn't it illegal, though? To discriminate against a highly qualified applicant just because she doesn't share your DNA?
If that were illegal, family businesses wouldn't exist.
Family businesses are unconstitutional.
Comic #695
May 3 2010
MOUSEOVER TEXT: Ch, sh, zh. N, d, t. M, b, p. K, g, ng.
If the prof could foresee such things, then "prof" would be short for "prophet." (Which would start a whole new phonetics discussion.)
TEXT OF COMIC:
I'm doing a paper on language for sociology class.
Sounds fun.
In French they've got names like "Jacques," but they don't pronounce the "J" the same way we do. And I can't figure out how to write the way they pronounce it.
For that sound, people usually use the letters "zh."
But there aren't any words in English that actually use that!
That sound? Sure there are. Mirage. Decision.
But they always spell it with a "g" or an "s" or something. There's no word in English that actually uses the letters "zh." It's only used for sounding things out phonetically. How do people even know what sound "zh" would make?
Because it's a logical progression from "ch" and "sh."
I doubt my sociology prof foresaw that studying language would drastically reduce my faith in humanity.
Oh, stop whining. Languages make no sense because people make no sense.
That's what I'm saying.
Comic #696
May 4 2010
MOUSEOVER TEXT: I did not even plan for 696 to be a comic about Ron.
I think Spanish is a little better than English for making palindromes, because it doesn't have two or three consonants in a row quite as often. (It does have a lot of ch's, though, which are hard to work into palindromes.)
TEXT OF COMIC:
What should we have for lunch?
Oh, can we nab a new nacho?
Good idea, actually. Let's go to that one Mexican place.
Taco cat?
That's not what it's called, Ron.
Although it would be pretty funny if there were a feline counterpart to the Taco Bell dog.
Comic #697
May 5 2010
MOUSEOVER TEXT: X is actually the unknown number of exes Cathy has.
I have billions and billions of X chromosomes. Two in each cell.
TEXT OF COMIC:
Where were you an hour ago?
On break. Why?
Your ex came in here looking for you.
Which one? I have more than one ex, you know.
That's what SHE said!
What?
Did I do it wrong?
I don't even know what you were trying to do.
I was trying to make a "That's what SHE said" joke. As I understand it, you can make that kind of joke when someone says something that can be interpreted more than one way.
Your statement "I have more than one ex" could also be interpreted to mean "I have more than one X chromosome," which is definitely something that any unspecified "she" could say.
Yes.
Yes what?
Yes, you were doing it wrong.
Thanks for letting me know.
Comic #698
May 6 2010
MOUSEOVER TEXT: If only Abby's personality were sweeter.
Abby doesn't have a sweet tooth, she has a whole sweet skeleton. I think her skull is one of those Mexican sugar skulls.
TEXT OF COMIC:
I'm hungry. You have any snacks in your dorm?
I have peanut butter cups, chocolate striped cookies, a few pieces of angel food cake, three kinds of sour candy, and strawberry ice cream.
Do you have, like, just a peanut butter and jelly sandwich?
Well, I have the ingredients for it.
Is that jelly on the counter over there the only kind you have? Got anything with less sugar?
There's some in the cupboard that's sweetened with Splenda.
I don't want an artificial sweetener, I want it to be LESS SWEET.
Uh.
Huh.
You crashed her brain, Hans. Wanting something to be less sweet is not really a concept she can comprehend.
See what too much sugar does to your cognitive abilities, Abby?
Comic #699
May 7 2010
MOUSEOVER TEXT: Corn syrup... But is corn natural? We've been breeding it for centuries.
I've always found it funny that everything a non-human organism does is considered natural, but very little of what humans do is considered natural. It's silly to think of it that way; we're not all that different from other animals. Just more complicated.
TEXT OF COMIC:
You know, refined sugar could probably be called an artificial sweetener.
It doesn't occur naturally. Sugar cane occurs naturally, but you have to put it through a pretty complicated process in order to make it into those little refined grains.
Corn syrup is probably more natural, come to think of it. I think you make that by just boiling corn juice until it's mostly fructose. Honey and fruit juice are probably the most natural sweeteners.
Is honey really natural, though? Bees have to put flower nectar through a pretty complicated process in order to make it into honey.
Hah. True. And flowers have to put water and carbon dioxide through an even more complicated process to make it into nectar.
And the universe went through a very complicated process to bring about the existence of water and carbon dioxide.
Either everything is natural or nothing is natural.
Comic #700
May 10 2010
MOUSEOVER TEXT: I couldn't think of anything clever to do for strip #700.
The article in question was in Newsweek a while ago. It was pretty funny, but I don't agree with the whole anti-cellphone message. I actually think cell phones are less noisy than conversations in person. If I hear someone else on the bus having a cell phone conversation, I'm hearing only half as much noise as I would if I heard two people on the bus talking to each other. Even if the cell phone conversation began with a loud ringing sound, the inaudibility of the second party more than makes up for it in terms of total amount of noise.
TEXT OF COMIC:
I read this article about how cell phones are instruments of the devil.
I really doubt the Bible says anything of the sort.
No, it didn't quote the Bible. It just quoted a bunch of authors who had written things about heaven and hell, like Dante's Inferno and stuff.
Dante's Inferno mentions cell phones?
No, but cell phones are noisy, and apparently a lot of writings about religion share the common theme that God loves silence and the devil loves noise.
Well, that's not surprising, since almost all writers love silence and hate noise. I think that piece of information says more about writers than it says about God and the devil.
Makes you think, doesn't it? I mean, writers tend to be odd people... kind of solitary and eccentric.
They probably don't have the best understanding of humanity, out of all the people in the world. Yet they provide all the stories we read, all the literature that forms our views about the human condition.
I like that, actually. If you don't fit into the world, shape it until it fits you.
You're an evil megalomaniac, Abby. I hope your writing never hits the best-seller list.
Comic #701
May 11 2010
MOUSEOVER TEXT: Technically, Norma was playing God's advocate.
Sometimes a comic is inspired by reading someone's actual comment on someone else's blog. This is one of those times.
TEXT OF COMIC:
Someone commented on this blog post, saying that the teaching of evolution is harmful because "evolution promotes a human-centric view of the world, while religion promotes a God-centric view."
That's... at least one of the dumbest things I've ever heard.
Evolution teaches that humans are just one of the newest branches in an eons-old family tree of animals. We've existed for only a tiny fraction of history, and the fact that we exist at all is just a random coincidence. That's pretty much the opposite of promoting a human-centric view.
What promotes a human-centric view is religion, actually. The Bible shows that God is pretty much obsessed with humans. He spends all his time dealing with human problems. It never says he does anything of his own that doesn't involve humans.
One assumes he didn't put that in the Bible because humans wouldn't be interested.
In fact, you could argue that the Bible implies that humans are more important than God. Sure, God is smarter and more powerful than us. But supposedly, he also loved us enough to sacrifice a human manifestation of himself for our sake.
If an infallible God thought we were important enough to sacrifice himself for us, we must, logically, be more important than him.
There is the whole "I am not worthy to receive you" thing. I think the idea is that we weren't really worth saving, but God did it anyway because he's so nice.
But that would mean God did something that wasn't worth doing, which would make him fallible. You're just playing devil's advocate, aren't you?
Doesn't matter. You could out-argue the actual devil.
Comic #702
May 12 2010
MOUSEOVER TEXT: the picture Abby mentions must be on the back of the box.
I don't think anyone would actually sue a company for putting misleading labeling on a can. I mean, unless the labeling failed to inform you of something dangerous in the can, all you'd lose would be the price of one can of food, and that's a lot less than the price of a lawyer.
TEXT OF COMIC:
"Serving suggestion."
What?
The box of cereal shows a picture of the cereal in a bowl with milk, and next to that it says "Serving suggestion." Do I really need to be told that that's a serving suggestion?
Uhh...
I mean, I can understand it if the picture showed the cereal with strawberries on top, or something... then at least the words "Serving suggestion" would indicate that the cereal doesn't come with strawberries. But doesn't everyone know that it doesn't come with milk and a bowl?
Maybe.
But that's not the worst thing. I've seen cans of baking powder that show pictures of biscuits on them, and label them "serving suggestion." I've seen cans of condensed milk with pictures of pies on them, labeled "serving suggestion."
They're trying to keep from getting sued by the people who think there's actually a pie in the can.
I'm going to sue them for giving me the idea that a pie is just a way of serving condensed milk.
Comic #703
May 13 2010
MOUSEOVER TEXT: Are sheep really conformists? Or are they programmed by their DNA too?
All her friends at school were non-conformists / So she became a non-conformist too...
TEXT OF COMIC:
Is it possible to be a true non-conformist?
I mean, there are hundreds of social cliques, each of them dressing and talking a certain way to distinguish themselves from the others. Some of them started as outsiders, like the goths and the geeks, but now even those are social groups with their own sets of rules.
I guess you still don't have to follow the rules of any group, though. You can create your own style.
But how can I be sure it hasn't already been created by one of the bazillion cliques out there?
If it has, it doesn't matter, as long as you created it for your own reasons instead of theirs.
Still, I can't be sure my own reasons aren't influenced by social expectations. If I wear this shirt simply because I think it looks good, is that real non-conformism? Maybe the fact that I find it attractive is the result of years of social conditioning, from things I've seen and read.
Or maybe it's in your genes.
And the only way I can be sure I'm not a sheep is if science decodes the genome far enough to tell which parts of my sense of aesthetics are genetic.
If I can get scientific proof that my aesthetic appreciation for this shirt is tied to my DNA, the only true expression of uniqueness in the world... only then can I wear it confidently, with the knowledge that society didn't program me to wear it.
And then you just have to accept that evolution did program you to wear it.
I can live with that. At least evolution makes some sense.
Comic #704
May 14 2010
MOUSEOVER TEXT: For the record, I like quilts. Abby doesn't.
Abby probably would have accepted the gift more graciously if her mother hadn't insisted on mentioning Abby's children.
TEXT OF COMIC:
Here's an early birthday present, Abby.
A patchwork quilt.
Yes, honey. I made it myself.
It has a piece of your old security blanket in it, and a square from your uncle Stan's army uniform, and two more from your great-grandma's wedding dress and her linen tablecloth. It'll become an heirloom for your children someday.
So you made me a blanket gruesomely stitched together from the severed body parts of other blankets and garments that have lain rotting in their graves in the attic for decades.
See if I ever give you anything again.
Dr. Blankenstein, you've created a monster.
Comic #705
May 17 2010
MOUSEOVER TEXT: An afterlife with no candy would be Abby's ultimate place of torment.
Here, once again, we see how Abby can turn any highbrow literary conversation into an orgy of bad puns.
TEXT OF COMIC:
Being a religious fundamentalist must take so much doublethink.
Hey, don't use words from "1984" to talk about religion. The society in "1984" was a communist dystopia. If Orwell had ever known you, he probably would have called you a godless commie.
Just because Orwell was anti-communist doesn't mean he was pro-religion. I always got the idea that he agreed with Marx about religion being an opiate of the people, but he felt that communists used it that way just as much as capitalists.
Remember "Animal Farm"? There was that part where the crow went around telling all the animals that they would go to someplace called "Sugarcandy Mountain" when they died.
Yeah, and I remember the pig dictators said he was full of crap.
But the point was, they didn't do anything to stop him, because he was keeping all the animals subdued. He gave them something to hope for, so they were willing to put up with the fact that they were currently living in pretty much the opposite of Sugarcandy Mountain.
What would be the opposite of Sugarcandy Mountain, anyway?
Who knows. Maybe "Uncandy Valley."
Oh, you are SO going there when you die.
Comic #706
May 18 2010
MOUSEOVER TEXT: What defines a person? Now we know what defines Abby, at least.
I'm writing this comic on December 14th, 2009. Probably, by the time this posts, "Dollhouse" will have addressed that issue. If it hasn't, it loses a lot of my respect.
TEXT OF COMIC:
The difference between you and other people, Abby, is that you think about completely different things.
That's hardly a brilliant insight.
When other people watch the show "Dollhouse," they start deep emotional ponderings about what defines a person, what it would be like to lose memories, and so on.
And when YOU watch "Dollhouse," you think--
If all their names are code words for letters of the alphabet, then there can't be more than 26 of them.
Exactly.
Comic #707
May 19 2010
MOUSEOVER TEXT: Many people aren't even sure whether they want something themselves.
It would be interesting to see what would happen if nobody actively campaigned for president, and ballots had nothing but write-in blanks. America would probably elect nothing but actors, singers and football players. Okay, rephrase: it would be interesting and catastrophic.
TEXT OF COMIC:
People who want public office should never be allowed to have it.
That's a common sentiment, but it would never work, in practice. How would you get someone to run for president if he didn't want to?
If he was a good enough person to do the job, he'd recognize his duty and make the sacrifice. But the problem is, there's no way to tell who wants the job and who doesn't. Someone who wanted it could pretend not to want it just so he'd get elected.
Plus, who nominates the candidates in the first place? And how do those people get THEIR jobs?
And if the person in office hates being there, isn't there more chance that he'll snap and start doing crazy, crazy things?
The only thing worse than a president trying desperately to get re-elected is a president trying desperately NOT to get re-elected.
Comic #708
May 20 2010
MOUSEOVER TEXT: Deep meanings of trademarked names? Evian naive? Tums smut? I don't know.
Seriously, there is no species of duck that has white ducklings. (But then, there's no species of duck that speaks English with a Scottish accent, either.)
TEXT OF COMIC:
Are you of the worldview that maintains that one can access the deeper meaning of things by spelling their names backwards?
I can't say that I am.
When you spell "Disney" backwards, you get "yensid."
Well, since "yensid" doesn't mean anything, I doubt that says anything about Disney's deeper meaning.
But doesn't it sound like a disgusting adjective? Like a cross between yellow and rancid?
What can you think of that's yellow and rancid, anyway?
Belle's dress in "Beauty and the Beast."
Hey, I liked that dress.
Huey, Dewey and Louie.
They aren't rancid or yellow.
See, that's what I'm talking about. They're ducklings. They're supposed to be yellow. If they're not, that means Disney's whole character design concept is rancid.
I'm having a harder time following your logic than usual.
Comic #709
May 21 2010
MOUSEOVER TEXT: Didn't Ray Bradbury have a dog named Dog?
Unwritten rules are unwritten for a reason. If you wrote them down, they'd usually look so silly that you'd have to reconsider them.
TEXT OF COMIC:
Okay, you know what else is yellow and rancid? Ariel's fish Flounder in "The Little Mermaid."
I think you're stretching the definitions of both "yellow" and "rancid."
He's yellow! He's, like, yellow with blue stripes or something. Which means he is totally not a flounder, and the Disney artists are idiots.
Why do you think he has to be a flounder just because he's named Flounder?
I knew a girl named Robin once. She wasn't a robin. I knew a dog named Tiger. He wasn't a tiger. It would be silly to name a human "Human" or a dog "Dog," so why do you expect the fish named Flounder to be a flounder?
Sometimes, when I am complaining, the proper protocol is to nod sympathetically and say nothing.
I'm sorry. Maybe it would help if you wrote these protocols down.
Comic #710
May 24 2010
MOUSEOVER TEXT: correctly, Abby should have said 'it massed a lot more than a gram'
Someone should pitch this idea to the actual Candygram company.
TEXT OF COMIC:
Someone left a little box of chocolates on my desk in Spanish class. Must have been a birthday present.
You got a candy-gram!
No, it weighed a lot more than a gram.
A candy-gram is a telegram in the form of candy.
Really?
Yeah. Turns out you can encode information into proteins. If you analyzed the proteins in that chocolate, you'd find a message that goes: "HAPPY BIRTHDAY ABBY STOP. I TOTALLY WANT TO MARRY YOU STOP. LOVE THOMAS DEKKER."
I am glad you're kidding, because if that was true, then I just ate the only declaration of love I'll ever get.
Eat your heart out, Abby.
Comic #711
May 25 2010
MOUSEOVER TEXT: I. Am. Your basil telegram. Bam.
I think I may have just outdone 'O mem sahib, Bart, rabbi has memo.'
TEXT OF COMIC:
I tell you, you just ate a box of chocolates with a secret love telegram encoded in their proteins.
Chocolate barely even has any protein, Norma. Wouldn't it make more sense to genetically engineer a message into the proteins of an actual plant or animal?
But then someone would have to give you a plant or animal.
They could give me a can of genetically engineered peanuts. Or a jar of pesto from genetically engineered basil. I like pesto.
Whatever. How do you even know the changes in the proteins wouldn't kill you? I think putting secret messages into food should be banned, actually.
Marge let Lisa ban a basil telegram.
You leave the Simpsons out of this, Ron.
Comic #712
May 26 2010
MOUSEOVER TEXT: Abby's palate is so undiscriminating she can mistake Ex-Lax for candy.
Marcus doesn't know that Cathy is so obsessed with her weight that she wouldn't have eaten the chocolates anyway. (Unless she knew they were laxatives.)
TEXT OF COMIC:
So did you ever find out who your secret admirer is?
The person who left the chocolate on my desk? Yeah. It was Marcus from sociology.
He meant it for Cathy. Apparently her world history class happens in that room an hour after my Spanish class.
Didn't Marcus and Cathy break up a couple weeks ago?
Yeah. That was why there were laxatives in the chocolate.
Wow, you took a bullet for her. At her weight, Cathy probably couldn't survive a case of the runs.
*sigh* Let's try not to think about what might have been.
Comic #713
May 27 2010
MOUSEOVER TEXT: At least it isn't intended to diagnose, treat or cure any disease.
Unfortunately, in this case, the small letters are the liars. The product clearly is intended to prevent disease (what's the point of making a medicine to boost the immune system if you don't want it to stop people from getting sick?) Whether it actually does prevent disease is another question.
TEXT OF COMIC:
This medicine says on the box, "Naturally boosts your immune system." But there's an asterisk after it.
The footnote says, "These statements have not been evaluated by the FDA. This product is not intended to diagnose, treat, cure or prevent any disease."
So the box advertises in big letters that it boosts your immune system, but then adds in small letters that it is not intended to prevent disease. I see the contradiction.
Exactly. Which part is lying: the big letters or the small letters?
When in doubt I always trust the small letters first.
Comic #714
May 28 2010
MOUSEOVER TEXT: Weird Abby-logic (tm). For all your weird logical needs.
The reason we never see Abby's backpack is because it is too ugly.
TEXT OF COMIC:
My backpack just busted a strap again.
You should buy a better one.
The better ones cost a hundred dollars.
They're worth it.
I'm not denying they're worth it; I'm just not going to pay that much.
You should be willing to pay what something is worth. If you expect to get something for less than you think it's worth, it's like you're trying to cheat the world.
Norma, nobody ever buys something for what they believe it's worth. All purchases are made for less than the buyer believes the item is worth. It is logically impossible for it to happen any other way.
Logically impossible.
Yes. If I go to the store and pay a dollar for a muffin, that logically means that I value the dollar slightly less than I value the muffin. If I valued them equally, there would be absolutely no point in my exchanging one for the other.
You're messing around with the definition of "worth."
That's because I value weird Abby-logic more than I value a reasonable conversation.
Comic #715
May 31 2010
MOUSEOVER TEXT: Pirates is an anagram for pie rats.
But does anyone gain anything from the rat leaving the sinking ship, either? The rat would probably drown either way, if the ship isn't close to land. How far can rats swim?
TEXT OF COMIC:
Okay, Abby, now you and I are going to go over to Hans' dorm and all three of us will study for the history exam. We need to pool our mental resources if any of us are going to do well on it.
Speak for yourself. I studied already, and I'm going to ace it. I'm planning to spend today reading fanfiction.
Talk about a rat deserting a sinking ship!
Well, what is a rat supposed to do if it's on a sinking ship? A rat can't do anything to stop a ship from sinking. Nobody gains anything from the rat staying there. It's not like there's some unwritten nautical law that the rat must always go down with the ship.
Well, this is a different situation. You're perfectly able to help stop this ship from sinking.
So you're admitting you used a bad analogy. Is that supposed to make me want to help you study?
Maybe if you help me with my schoolwork, I can learn to make better ones.
Comic #716
June 1 2010
MOUSEOVER TEXT: just for the record, I'm not saying Hitler left his dogs in a kennel.
Happy birthday to me.
TEXT OF COMIC:
Unconditional love is stupid.
If I ever love anyone, I'm dang well going to have conditions. If you promise unconditional love, you're basically promising you'll still be in love even if the person turns into the exact opposite of what you fell in love with.
Well, that does happen. Sometimes people change together.
Whatever. If you don't even have basic conditions like "I'll love you as long as you don't start beating the crap out of me," then you are a pathetic person.
You know who has unconditional love? Dogs. And that's probably why Hitler had dogs-- because dogs will love you no matter how much of a jerk you are.
I know dogs aren't your favorite animal, Abby, but Godwin's Law isn't going to help.
I'm not putting down dogs. I'm putting down humans.
Humans consider unconditional love a good quality in dogs because humans like being able to leave the dog all alone in a kennel all day and have him still love them. But if you don't want to be locked in a kennel all day, you'd better have some freakin' conditions.
Or maybe you just have to trust that any person good enough to win your love isn't going to start locking you in a kennel.
No one can be trusted that much, Norma.
Comic #717
June 2 2010
MOUSEOVER TEXT: I think Mythbusters demonstrated that this doesn't necessarily kill you.
Norma will help by not eating any Mentos or drinking any Coke, and thus providing evidence that whatever is about to happen to Abby is actually caused by the experiment and not by any other influence in the room.
TEXT OF COMIC:
What are you doing, Abby?
Science.
Science. Really. What hypothesis are you trying to prove?
I completely reject that particular pillar of the scientific method. To start out with a hypothesis automatically biases your research.
I prefer to start simply with a question.
Okay. So what QUESTION are you trying to answer?
"What happens when you eat Mentos and drink Diet Coke?"
I'll be the control group.
Comic #718
June 3 2010
MOUSEOVER TEXT: I did this at work a while ago. It worked just fine.
It must be sad when your instinctual reaction to any behavior you've never seen before is to make fun of it.
TEXT OF COMIC:
Abby, am I going crazy, or did you just get a tattoo?
I drew that on my arm with a pen.
Seriously? It looks like a tattoo. It looks, like, totally meaningful and spiritual or something. What does it mean?
It means that I have to get groceries. It's a drawing of a carton of milk, an egg, and a bottle of laundry detergent.
But they're arranged all artfully and stuff. Who goes to all the trouble of doing that when you could just write a grocery list?
Me, obviously. A grocery list written on my arm would look tacky, and a grocery list in my pocket would get forgotten. This serves the purpose. It makes sure I remember, but it looks okay, too.
That is... You... Um...
I hate you, Abby. You do things nobody else in the world would do, and I can't make fun of you for them because they actually make SENSE.
That's probably the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
Comic #719
June 4 2010
MOUSEOVER TEXT: well, he couldn't do many BAD deeds in there
I saw this show on TV in Mexico, dubbed into Spanish. Somehow Mexico seems to get all the movies and TV shows that people in the USA have forgotten about.
TEXT OF COMIC:
...It was some forgotten TV show about a kid who was so badly behaved that a wizard or something trapped him in a dog's body until he did enough good deeds to make up for it.
In a dog's body?
Yeah. He could talk, but not everyone could understand him. The lips moved, so it must have been after they invented computer animation.
Oh! When you said "in a dog's body," I was picturing this kid being forced to crawl inside the corpse of a dead dog. I was wondering how he could do any good deeds under those circumstances.
You always jump to the most disgusting conclusion, don't you?
No! I jump to the most plausible conclusion. Getting a kid inside a dead dog would be a lot easier than transferring a kid's consciousness into a dog's brain. It's simple logic.
Well, simple logic doesn't work with children's shows.
Part of why I prefer not to think about them.
Comic #720
June 7 2010
MOUSEOVER TEXT: Actually, I doubt it's the root of racism, but it sure keeps it going.
I hate when Cub is sold out of the store brand of cage-free eggs and the only cage-free eggs they have are the brand that comes in a non-biodegradable plastic carton. I have to choose between making chickens happy and being environmentally friendly, and it sucks.
TEXT OF COMIC:
Have you noticed that whenever you see organic, cage-free, vegetarian-fed eggs, they're always brown?
Yeah. What about it?
It makes no sense. The color of an egg has nothing to do with how the chicken was raised. It only has to do with what breed of chicken it is.
So they use a different kind of chicken for the cage-free eggs. Why do you care? It's not like brown eggs are any different from white eggs.
I care because it's discriminatory! Why doesn't the white-egg-laying kind of chicken ever get to run free and eat an organic vegetarian diet?
Probably because people expect organic eggs to be brown.
Perpetuating society's expectations is the root of all racism.
Comic #721
June 8 2010
MOUSEOVER TEXT: Rhyming is an equally good weapon, but it's harder.
Too bad Abby can't maintain this alter ego for very long. Spooner Lady always beats the Alliterator in contests of endurance.
TEXT OF COMIC:
Hi, Norma.
Ni, Horma!
What the bloody heck?
Hut the wuddy bleck?
Oh, so you're Spoonerizing all my comments. Well, it's going to drive me crazy.
Oh, so you're coonerizing all my spomments. Drell, it's going to crive me wazy.
Okay, Spooner lady, do your worst. I have a weapon against which you are powerless.
Okay, lunar spady, woo your durst. I have a peapon against which you are wowerless.
Your arrogant assault of annoyance is avenged and annihilated by your awesome arch-adversary, the Alliterator!
Shucking fit.
Comic #722
June 9 2010
MOUSEOVER TEXT: I'll put MY claws after YOUR butt
Well, maybe if robots took over the world and nobody could stand a chance without being able to understand computer languages.
Although that's not just grammar nerds. A lot of people who are great at computer languages absolutely suck at English grammar. I guess computer languages are easier to understand. They certainly do follow more logical rules.
TEXT OF COMIC:
The word "but" is way more complex than it looks.
Yeah, we talked about that before, didn't we? About how it's not just short for "buttocks"?
No, I mean the other spelling of "but." Isn't it interesting that we have a conjunction that carries the meaning of "and," plus the information that the second clause is surprising when you consider the first clause?
That IS a lot of meaning for three little letters.
And that's not even the only meaning it has.
If I'm talking about, like, some product I saw in a store, and I say, "It was high-quality but it was cheap," that means I'm surprised that it was so cheap considering how high-quality it was. And yet I can use the same conjunction if I say something totally opposite.
You mean, if you say the opposite, "but" changes meaning?
Yeah. If I say "It was high-quality but it was expensive," the sentence still works. The word "but" just stops expressing surprise, and starts expressing a difference between the two clauses: one is a reason I'd want to buy the product, and the other is a reason I wouldn't want to buy it.
And in that case, switching the clauses changes the meaning too.
Yeah. The sentence "It was high-quality but it was expensive" suggests that I'm leaning toward not buying the product. The sentence "It was expensive but it was high-quality" suggests that I'm leaning toward buying it. You put the more important clause after the word "but."
It's interesting how people can reliably follow all these rules, use them every day to understand the meanings of other people's sentences, and yet never consciously think about them.
This is why grammar nerds will someday rule the world.
Comic #723
June 10 2010
MOUSEOVER TEXT: Literal interpretation is the bane of sign-designers.
And the "no bicycles" sign says nothing about my recumbent.
TEXT OF COMIC:
This is an awesome park. I wish I had a dog, just so I could walk it here.
Well, that would be against the rules. There's a sign right over there.
That sign doesn't say "No dogs."
It has a picture of a dog with an X through it.
Well, if I had a dog, I'd have a bulldog. That's a picture of a Labrador. The sign's literally just saying "No Labradors."
Literally literally, it's saying "No three-inch-tall Labradors."
Literally literally literally, it's saying "No three-inch-tall simplified black-and-white line drawings of Labradors."
I think it's violating its own rule.
Comic #724
June 11 2010
MOUSEOVER TEXT: But lipstick is illogical!
Of course, this explanation doesn't explain why unoxidized iron metal isn't blue, and it doesn't address the fact that copper-based blood in real life is not green and is found only in marine invertebrates. But it's still better than most technobabble you'd see in Star Trek.
TEXT OF COMIC:
Okay, so Spock is supposed to have green copper-based blood. But his lips are the same color as human lips.
Well, maybe he has pink pigment there.
But what evolutionary reason would there be for that?
Spock didn't evolve, he was unintelligently designed. Can we let this go?
No! See, my hypothesis is that Vulcan blood is red when it hasn't recently come in contact with oxygen.
Oh, God.
You know how iron, as a metal, turns red with rust when it oxidizes? And how copper starts out reddish, but oxidization turns it green? Well, then it makes sense that, while oxygenated iron-based blood is red, copper-based blood would be green when oxygenated and red when unoxygenated.
Then you just have to assume that the Vulcan circulatory system is set up so that the blood in the lips hasn't been to the lungs lately, and it makes perfect sense.
I have to admit your technobabble is better than Star Trek's.
Or maybe he just wears lipstick.
Comic #725
June 14 2010
MOUSEOVER TEXT: That does not count as predicting something happening in the real world.
Try as I may, I cannot currently find a copy of this video online. It was epic, though.
TEXT OF COMIC:
You can knock Star Trek technobabble all you want, but those guys have predicted a number of things that have actually come to pass in the real world.
Like what?
Umm...
Well, remember that video of Nimoy and Shatner giving a speech at a convention right around the time that the last Original Series movie came out?
The one where Shatner kissed Nimoy on the ear?
Yes, but there was also a part where Nimoy showed the audience a letter he had written in the 1960's and buried in his backyard. It predicted correctly how long the original series would go on, and what Star Trek's next projects would be.
Come on, Abby! That wasn't a real letter! Nimoy was joking!
Nimoy wouldn't lie.
It's Spock that's supposedly incapable of lying. Spock, not Nimoy. If Nimoy were incapable of lying, then he couldn't be AN ACTOR.
You do know he's an actor, right?
Yes, I just like to deny it.
Comic #726
June 15 2010
MOUSEOVER TEXT: Hey, he started it. He was the one who said she was stupider than a fungus.
Yes, those are Lady Gaga CD's on the table right in front of the inquisitive customer.
TEXT OF COMIC:
Where are the Lady Gaga CD's?
I don't work here.
You're wearing a nametag.
I don't work HERE, in the music section. I stock the bookshelves. And right now I don't work anywhere, because I'm on break.
I can't believe this. I can't believe this bookstore is so badly run that I can only get an answer to my question if I ask the EXACT RIGHT PERSON.
Oh, come on. Where do you work?
None of your business.
Well, no matter what company you work for, I'm sure there are other people working in different departments of the same company. And I'm sure you don't know how to do every single one of their jobs.
Oh please. Every job at this store is so easy a fungus could do it.
Then why can't you find your own stupid CD?
I want to talk to your manager.
Comic #727
June 16 2010
MOUSEOVER TEXT: Abby's silly. She should just take off her nametag when she's on break.
I'm not sure whether Abby in the last panel is referring to a novel title or a possible alternative activity that might be a better use of her time. I suppose one would first have to find out whether there is an actual virgin secretary at her workplace.
TEXT OF COMIC:
Abby, I can't control what you do in your free time, but I wish you'd be nicer to the customers, even if they ask you questions while you're on your break.
You can't legally require me to work when I'm on break. Working includes answering customers' questions.
But you should at least be polite to them. We try to maintain a reputation of putting the customer first.
Which makes no sense. I'm here to make money so I can have food and clothing and shelter and stay alive. The customers are here to buy crappy romance novels. Why is my survival less important than "The Prince's Pregnant Mistress"?
There are better things you could do with your time than arguing. Or memorizing every silly-sounding novel title in the store.
How about "Seducing the Virgin Secretary"?
Comic #728
June 17 2010
MOUSEOVER TEXT: I've known some lit profs who might use a four-post bed as a teaching aid.
I suppose there are species of bacteria and viruses that are more likely to kill us than other humans... but if you limit it to species that we can see, and thus be startled by, then we just might be our own #1 enemy.
TEXT OF COMIC:
Hey, Abby.
Holy crap, I didn't know you were there. Don't sneak up on me like that.
I wonder why people are always so scared when they see a person in a place they didn't expect to see one.
I mean, it doesn't work that way with most other objects. If I walked into my literature class one day and there was, like, a four-post bed in the middle of the room, I'd be surprised, but I wouldn't be frightened.
Why are we scared whenever we walk into a room expecting it to be empty and there's a person in it? We ARE people. What's the point of being scared of our own kind?
Probably because it's one of the most likely species to kill us.
Comic #729
June 18 2010
MOUSEOVER TEXT: Chloroform isn't synesthesia, it's anesthesia.
I'd say there's a distinction in meaning here as well as degree. Associating the smell of chloroform with yellow (which I have actually seen quoted as an example of the literary device Abby mentioned) probably is a form of synesthesia, but associating a range of human behaviors with a color spectrum is really just a metaphor.
TEXT OF COMIC:
I wonder why people always act as if synesthesia is so uncommon.
What?
Synesthesia. You know, that condition where a person strongly associates two things with each other, and they're things that we perceive with different senses, or different aspects of the same sense. Like having a really strong feeling that the letter A is supposed to be red.
What about it?
Whenever I read an article about synesthesia, it's written as if it were a really rare condition. But I think most people have some tendency to associate sounds with colors, and so on.
Yeah, I see what you mean. I usually imagine pictures when I hear classical music.
Of course. I mean, the first time I heard the word "synesthesia" was in a literature course, referring to the literary technique of referring to one sense in terms of another. The example my textbook gave was a quote from a story: "the yellow odor of the chloroform."
Clearly, enough people associate chloroform with yellow that an author could publish a phrase like that without it being considered total nonsense. And there are more common examples, like "a loud color."
So how can it be a rare condition?
I guess it's just a matter of how strongly people associate the concepts. It's kind of a spectrum.
See, there it is again! "Spectrum" is a color word! We have a freakin' epidemic here!
Comic #730
June 21 2010
MOUSEOVER TEXT: Learning life's lessons from Lady Macbeth is probably a bad idea anyway.
The last line here is one I have used before.
TEXT OF COMIC:
Sometimes I wish I could be as argumentative as you.
Standing up to other people wasn't that hard for me to learn.
Just seize the moment. Don't sit around letting "I dare not" wait upon "I would," like the poor cat in the adage.
Did you seriously just quote the most incomprehensible passage in all of "Macbeth"?
It's not that incomprehensible, Norma. Sure, nobody knows what adage the cat was from, but it's pretty clear what the message is. Letting "I dare not" wait upon "I would" means letting your fear of doing something overcome your desire to do it.
But "wait upon" means "serve." Like a servant waiting upon a king. If "I dare not" is waiting upon "I would," then your fear isn't the boss-- your desire is the boss and your fear is the servant. The metaphor's saying the reverse of what it's apparently trying to say.
Well, maybe "wait upon" meant something else back then. Oh my gosh, it would be crazy if it used to mean "wait for." Then all those idiots in the present day who use "wait on" and "wait for" interchangeably would actually have to get a bit of respect.
If it meant "wait for," it would still be saying that "I would" is the master and he's making "I dare not" wait for him. It's still all backwards.
Learning life's lessons from Shakespeare would be a lot easier if English hadn't totally reinvented itself since he was writing stuff.
We keep waitin' on the words to change.
Comic #731
June 22 2010
MOUSEOVER TEXT: I like how 'Eros' and 'Eris' are such easy typos for each other.
Eris currently occupies the position of Goddess of Cathy's Love Life. Her previous experience as Goddess of Discord qualified her for the job.
TEXT OF COMIC:
I think my relationship with my boyfriend is starting to get serious.
A sure sign that it's going to end within a week.
Don't make fun of me. I mean, I like this guy, and who knows, maybe he's the one, but I'm not as sure about it as he seems to be. He was all talking about our future together, last night, and I started getting this really strong feeling that maybe it's not gonna work out.
Maybe you've finally figured out how to learn from your own past.
I read somewhere that there was this study that showed that, when people are starting a relationship and they get a premonition that it's going to fail, it usually does.
There are a lot of reasons that could happen.
Maybe people get these premonitions because they subconsciously realize that there are big warning signs about the relationship. Or maybe the premonitions happen for no good reason, but they sow seeds of doubt that lead to the relationship's downfall.
Or maybe everyone feels some doubt and uncertainty when beginning a relationship, but you only remember it if the relationship falls apart later.
You don't think it might be a message from the goddess Aphrodite, trying to send me signs to guide me towards true love?
I think that would be a full-time job, even for a goddess.
Comic #732
June 23 2010
MOUSEOVER TEXT: ever noticed how '100% juice' often lists water and added chemicals, too?
I once visited a doctor who told me that I should drink "100% cranberry juice" to prevent UTI's. That isn't true-- only a few stores actually sell pure cranberry juice, and drinking it would be like drinking straight lemon juice. She said Ocean Spray makes it, but they don't, as far as I know. She was probably misled by the fact that Ocean Spray markets a juice that's labeled "cranberry juice," and is also labeled "100% juice," and has pictures of cranberries (and no other fruits) on the front. But it's not 100% cranberry juice. If you look at the ingredients list, the first ingredient is grape juice or apple juice or something.
TEXT OF COMIC:
Is this 100% orange juice?
It says so on the package.
No, it doesn't. It doesn't say it IS 100% juice, it says it CONTAINS 100% juice.
That could mean it contains, like, one drop of 100% juice, and the rest of it is sugar water.
You're the least trusting person I know.
Comic #733
June 24 2010
MOUSEOVER TEXT: oh, come on, Abby, your mom wasn't as competent as Big Brother
Presumably, if you were just testing whether the chemical composition of warm milk helped people sleep, you could use cold milk for the control group, since it has the same chemical composition and less warm cuddly comfort.
TEXT OF COMIC:
Isn't it your bedtime? You have an early class tomorrow.
Yeah, but I know I wouldn't be able to sleep if I went to bed right now.
Have you ever tried a glass of warm milk? There have been actual studies showing that works.
I've heard of those studies, and I don't trust them.
I mean, what did they do for a control group? I can't think of anything they could have used as a placebo, because there's nothing that tastes exactly like milk and isn't.
So there's no way to know if the soporific effect of warm milk was due to its chemical composition or just something comforting about its taste and feel, perhaps that it reminded people of childhood.
Why does it matter?
If I were reminded of childhood before bedtime, I'd have George Orwell nightmares.
Comic #734
June 25 2010
MOUSEOVER TEXT: Does Abby pronounce it 'Batmobile,' or spell out the B-A-T? WHO KNOWS.
I'm writing this in February 2010. I apologize if T-Mobile has gone extinct by the time this posts.
TEXT OF COMIC:
I'm kind of disillusioned, Abby.
Aw, why?
I'm realizing how useless liberal arts degrees are for most people. I'm getting a BA with a major in computer science because I want to be a programmer. But in real life, I'll probably be in tech support forever.
I want to discover groundbreaking new technologies, but I'll really just end up dealing with whiny customers for a cell phone company or something. I've been trying to get a BA in changing the future, but I'm really just going to have a BA in T-Mobile.
You'll have a BaTmobile!
You're not helping.
Comic #735
June 28 2010
MOUSEOVER TEXT: Abby's behavior is In-D-fensible.
You have probably all seen this, but it bears linking again, just for being so awesome.
TEXT OF COMIC:
What are you listening to?
Some cool hip indie rock.
You sound ridiculous talking like that. And that is not indie rock. That's classical music.
Yes. It's Pachelbel's Canon indie.
In D.
You're just jealous because I'm so cool.
Comic #736
June 29 2010
MOUSEOVER TEXT: The pot blackmailing the kettle?
No. The Second and Third Laws of Conservation of Blackmail indicate that for every blackmail there must be an equal and opposite reblackmail.
TEXT OF COMIC:
Abby, will you do my English homework for me?
Do your own stupid English homework.
I thought you would say that. But I think you'll change your mind.
And why would I?
Because if you don't, I'll tell EVERYONE that I saw you looking at Star Trek porn on the library computer.
I don't think you'd dare say something like that about me.
And why wouldn't I?
Because if you do, I'll tell your English professor that you tried to blackmail me into doing your homework for you.
Hmm? I think we both know that would cause you a lot more trouble than you could cause me.
You just-- blackmailed me with my own blackmail. Doesn't that violate some law of science or something?
If you don't do your own homework, you'll never find out.
Comic #737
June 30 2010
MOUSEOVER TEXT: If you aren't useless, you're a tool.
I don't know if I've ever had to paste a smile onto Cathy before. I guess I had to let her win at least one argument.
I'm not sure she found exactly what she was looking for, though. The different uses of "use" are distinguished from each other subtly enough that it's not a really good example of what she was assigned to find. Perhaps Abby is just playing along, knowing that Cathy will still suffer in the end.
Or maybe Cathy just made up the assignment that she claims Abby did for her, to get back at Abby for last strip. You pick the interpretation.
TEXT OF COMIC:
Why won't you ever do my homework for me? You're so useless.
Yes, Cathy, I am.
"Useless" means "can't be used." And I cannot be used, not for your homework or anything else. I am useless and I am proud of it.
Awesome! I knew I could get something from you!
Huh?
My English assignment was to find a word that's used to mean something different from what its etymology suggests. You've just done my homework for me!
You... you USED me!
Get used to it.
Comic #738
July 1 2010
MOUSEOVER TEXT: Abby questions free speech, freedom of the press, and free will.
To me, patriotism is a big bloated version of "school spirit," and when I was in high school I avoided pep rallies whenever possible.
That said, I do like fireworks.
TEXT OF COMIC:
Are you doing anything for Independence Day?
Hiding in my room. I hate American patriotism.
Oh really?
Yes. For one thing, it's unacceptable to express pride in being a member of a group, if it's a group that's more powerful than others. If I went around proclaiming that I was proud to be white, people would hate me. I don't see any difference between that and being proud to be American.
Hmm.
And even if we weren't a powerful nation that goes around oppressing others, patriotism itself is illogical. What right do I have to be proud of something that other people accomplished? I say if you're not one of the Founding Fathers, you have no business being proud of America.
So if you had a brother who won the Nobel Peace Prize, you wouldn't be proud of him?
Not unless I taught him everything he knows about peace. It's wrong to be proud of anyone but yourself.
What are you proud of about yourself?
My ability to look at the world in a logical way.
Which is either the result of your genes, or the result of someone else's influence on you.
Or the result of my own hard work.
But if that's the case, your desire to work hard at learning logic was still caused by either nature or nurture. See, if you question free will, you question whether pride EVER makes sense.
I feel less proud when you out-logic me.
Comic #739
July 2 2010
MOUSEOVER TEXT: Yelling Bird, you ARE the father
She's also getting cravings for brain food.
TEXT OF COMIC:
My head is SO. SWELLED. UP.
Another sinus headache?
This is worse than a sinus headache, Norma. I think I'm pregnant in my head.
Pregnant in your head.
Yeah, like Zeus. Baby Athena's gonna bust out any minute.
Oh, cool it with the God complex already. You have no reason to believe it's anything more than sinusitis.
I'm pretty sure, Norma. I haven't had a nosebleed in over a month.
Okay, this conversation ends right NOW.
Comic #740
July 5 2010
MOUSEOVER TEXT: this qualifies as another one of those weird conversations
I'm not sure, but it sounded as if Norma just equated logic with Abby's junk. If I were Abby, I honestly wouldn't know whether or not to take that as a compliment.
TEXT OF COMIC:
We have some weird conversations, don't we.
I can just see us fifty years from now, old ladies knitting and chattering on happily about alien parasites and zombie cheerleaders.
How can old ladies knit, anyway? I mean, being all blind and arthritic and stuff?
Not all of them, Abby. I'm sure as heck not going to be blind when I'm an old lady. I have perfect eyesight.
Didn't you know that people with perfect eyesight are more likely to go blind later on?
Where the crap did you get that idea?
It stands to reason, doesn't it? People with perfect eyesight are way less likely to wear glasses. And glasses will save your eyeballs in, like, 70% of traumatic accidents that would cause blindness in someone with perfect eyesight.
Abby, don't scare me like that. That actually sounded kind of logical. I nearly believed it.
I'm good, aren't I?
If you play with logic too much, YOU'LL go blind.
Comic #741
July 6 2010
MOUSEOVER TEXT: There's a haircare brand called Schwarzkopf (German for 'black head.')
I tried to find out if "comedy" and "comedone" were related... I found some resources that say that "comedy" comes from words meaning "revelry" or "carousal" (basically partying) and "comedone" comes from a word meaning "glutton." I'm guessing they might both be relatives of "comer," meaning "eat."
TEXT OF COMIC:
Would I look better as a redhead?
I wonder why people with red hair are called "redheads." People with brown hair aren't called "brownheads." People with white hair or black hair aren't called "whiteheads" or "blackheads."
You can generate comedy out of pretty much anything anyone says, can't you?
Yup. For me, there's nothing non-comedogenic.
Comic #742
July 7 2010
MOUSEOVER TEXT: In college, all classes are the working class.
The class that controls the means of production dominates all the in-groups.
TEXT OF COMIC:
How come you're worried about your hair color, anyway?
I don't know, I'm feeling insecure. People are laughing at me.
Aren't they always. What is it now?
I tried to make friends with some freshmen. Apparently seniors aren't supposed to associate with freshmen. Other seniors are calling me names now.
That sucks.
How come the year of your class makes so much difference? It's not like four more years makes you that much more mature or sophisticated. It's a stupid social rule, and it needs to change.
The struggle of class against class can only end in revolution.
I really don't think Marx had this sort of thing in mind.
Comic #743
July 8 2010
MOUSEOVER TEXT: We can tell by the writing on the wall that Karen is unhappy in this family.
At least she didn't threaten to wash the pen with soap. If you've ever seen a pen go through a washing machine, you can understand that washing is their greatest enemy... and if Karen's pen were ruined, she would be devastated.
TEXT OF COMIC:
Karen!
Yes, Mom?
Did you write this word on the wall?
Who wants to know?
We don't use words like this in our house. Do you want to get your mouth washed out with soap?
Well, technically, I didn't write the word with my mouth. I wrote it with a pen I was holding in my hand.
Well, then I'll wash your-- your HANDS with soap.
That sounded a lot more threatening in your head, didn't it?
You can start by washing the wall with soap.
Comic #744
July 9 2010
MOUSEOVER TEXT: She bought the turtleneck just to make that joke.
I promise that Abby will be reborn by next strip as a non-turtleneck-wearer.
TEXT OF COMIC:
Abby, you're wearing a turtleneck.
Yup.
You never wear a turtleneck.
Well, I do now. I'm a born-again turtleneck wearer.
Born-again?
Well, that's what it felt like when I put it on.
Abby, sometimes I wish you'd never been born at all.
Comic #745
July 12 2010
MOUSEOVER TEXT: if a cat has kittens on Mars, does that make them Martians?
Abby found out just yesterday that Angelina Jolie has kids.
TEXT OF COMIC:
Could Angelina Jolie's kids become president?
I doubt it. But they're too young to gauge their personalities for sure.
I don't mean their personalities, I mean their nationalities. They've been growing up in the USA, but some of them were adopted from other countries, and even her biological kids were born in other countries.
Well, the law says that you can't become president unless you were born in the USA. I think that includes kids of American parents who gave birth while traveling abroad.
Actually, all it says is that you must be a "natural-born citizen," and nobody can agree on what that means, exactly.
I think we can get a pretty good idea of what the Founding Fathers meant.
I think it means you're disqualified if you were delivered by C-section.
Comic #746
July 13 2010
MOUSEOVER TEXT: Friday the 13th comes on a Tuesday this month!
I'm not sure I've ever heard anyone of any age call someone "diaper-head"... but I have often wondered what people in Britain thought of the infamous Don Imus comment.
TEXT OF COMIC:
There were some really badly-behaved people fighting in the war in Afghanistan.
That's an unpatriotic thing to say.
Hey, I'm not saying all our troops are jerks. Just certain ones. Someone posted a photo online... these soldiers tricked an Afghani guy into posing for a picture while holding a sheet of paper saying something really derogatory about himself.
That's mean. He couldn't read the words?
Exactly. And it just outrages me. Taking advantage of the fact that someone doesn't speak your language is, like, number six on the list of the top ten most infantile ways to pick on someone, where #10 is pulling a chair out from under him and #1 is calling him "poopy-diaper-head."
I don't know which is more surprising: that you have compiled an actual list of the most infantile ways to pick on someone, or that pulling chairs out from under people is so low on it.
It was a hard choice. You should have seen some of the other stuff on the list, though.
Comic #747
July 14 2010
MOUSEOVER TEXT: Misandry loves company.
A war waged by women would leave few people physically dead, but many emotionally scarred.
TEXT OF COMIC:
Why are there wars, anyway?
Because men rule the world, and men like fighting.
That's a really bad explanation, Abby.
I mean, women rule the world in a lot of areas. Most of the world considers monogamy a virtue, even though women seem to care more about it than men. Violent crime, which men commit a lot more of than women, is almost universally seen as the worst kind of crime.
And the generally accepted standard of cleanliness for a home is closer to the way an average single woman keeps her home than to the way an average single man keeps his home. It seems like women set a lot of the world's standards.
Okay. The reason there are wars is because women want the men out of their houses.
You are horrible.
Comic #748
July 15 2010
MOUSEOVER TEXT: dictator-tots and franco-furters
Abby can ruin any great story. She just can't help throwing in totally incongruous bits of wordplay.
TEXT OF COMIC:
It's silly how European countries still have monarchs even though they don't have any real power anymore.
Actually, some European monarchs have done great things for their countries. As recently as the 1970's, Prince Juan Carlos transformed Spain from a dictatorship into a parliamentary democracy.
Really?
Yeah. It was this amazing heroic story, like something out of a legend.
See, before him, Spain was ruled by Franco the dictator, and before Franco died, he named Juan Carlos as his successor, because Juan Carlos had been acting like he agreed with everything Franco said.
Uh huh?
And right up until Franco died, Juan Carlos kept playing the part, acting like the perfectly obedient little dictator-tot, but then...
Did you just say "dictator-tot"?
Yeah, I was trying to think of a word for the successor of a dictator, and that was the first thing that popped into my head. It's not important. You know what I mean. Then, when Franco died...
Abby, I don't think I'm going to let you finish. You said "dictator-tot." I cannot trust that the rest of this story won't include equally disgusting made-up words.
When you say things like that, you encourage me to think up more of them.
Comic #749
July 16 2010
MOUSEOVER TEXT: Friday the 13th comes on a 16th this week!
Abby believes that loving people just because they're related to you is an unforgivable insult. In her view, her own complete lack of love for her mom is an expression of basic human decency.
TEXT OF COMIC:
Well, it was nice talking to you, honey. Love you.
Really?
What? Of course I love you, Abby.
But why? I have nothing in common with you, and I'm not doing any of the things you want me to do with my life.
Abby, I'm your mother. You're my daughter. I don't need another reason. I'll always love you, no matter what.
...So she cares about me for the sole reason that I have her DNA. I don't know if I've ever BEEN so insulted.
Oh, come off it. You should be flattered that someone like her can't find a real reason to love you.
Comic #750
July 19 2010
MOUSEOVER TEXT: organizing her own bookshelf was like a bookman's holiday
I've always been amused by the idea that once you've done something for money once, you've lost your amateur status and you are from then on a professional that-thing-doer. It almost makes me want to have sex with some stranger I meet in a bar, and then sneak out in the night and leave money on their dresser. "Ha ha, you're a prostitute now and you can never ever stop being one!"
TEXT OF COMIC:
Did you organize that bookshelf over there?
No, I hire a maid to come into my dorm and neaten up my shelves. Duh. Yes, I organized that bookshelf. Why?
Well, the neatness of bookshelves isn't something I notice a lot, but that bookshelf seriously looks awesome. The books are all lined up perfectly evenly, with nothing sticking out farther than anything else. You're really good.
I'm glad you think I'm talented at putting books on shelves.
You seriously are. You're, like, a professional.
A professional.
Yeah.
A professional book-on-shelf-putter.
Yeah. Truly.
The sad thing is that it's actually true. I do have a job at a bookstore.
Well, it shows.
Comic #751
July 20 2010
MOUSEOVER TEXT: thou shalt not uncover the nakedness of YOURSELF
Oooh. In this comic, Abby uses a non-gender-specific word to describe Norma's potential mate, and Norma makes a threat that, if carried out, would result in her seeing Abby naked every day. The Abby/Norma slash fans are going to go crazy with this one.
I'm kidding, of course. My comic is not famous enough to have slash fans. Maybe some day...
TEXT OF COMIC:
Norma, what would bother you more: seeing a naked person in public, or having your spouse cheat on you?
What? I don't have a spouse.
I mean, if you did.
Well, either one would be pretty upsetting, but being cheated on would definitely be worse.
Do you think most normal people would feel the same way?
I'm pretty sure they would.
Then how come public nudity is illegal and adultery isn't?
Abby, if I hear one more critical analysis of public indecency laws, I'm burning all your clothes next winter.
Comic #752
July 21 2010
MOUSEOVER TEXT: blood diamonds are bloooody
If you let the psycho think that the virtual victim was a real person, it might work. (Same if you let the diamond-buyer think that the lab-created diamond was natural.)
TEXT OF COMIC:
I want a giant ice cream cake right now.
But I don't want to spend money, and I don't want to feel sick to my stomach afterwards and gain fifty pounds. I wish I could just plug in my brain and eat virtual reality cake.
Do you think virtual reality can satisfy all human desires?
Probably not. Some human desires have reality inherent in them.
For instance, I'm betting that sociopaths who desperately want to murder someone couldn't always be assuaged with a virtual victim. I think for some of them, the satisfaction is in the fact that the victim is real. If they knew it was an emotionless computer program, it couldn't work as an outlet.
Well, computer programs might not be emotionless in the future.
Yeah, but if you designed the computer program to have intelligence and feelings, then letting a psycho attack it would be as unethical as turning him loose on a human.
It's like diamonds. Scientists in labs can make diamonds that are completely identical to natural diamonds, but people still prefer natural diamonds just because they like the IDEA of them being natural.
I'm kind of disturbed that those were the first two examples you thought of.
The diamond industry and murderers are all the same at heart.
Comic #753
July 22 2010
MOUSEOVER TEXT: Theory of mind won't work when the other mind is way different from yours.
Most of my own theory-of-mind trouble isn't that I assume people know things they couldn't possibly know-- it's that I assume they know things that they could figure out if they thought about it as much as I do.
I've definitely had situations where it was unclear whose theory of mind was worse. Mostly with my husband. But I think that's typical in male-female interactions. (Though I'm not as vague as a lot of wives and girlfriends. I've always been annoyed by women who give their men barely-detectable hints and expect them to understand.)
TEXT OF COMIC:
Abby, come in here and look at this!
I can't, idiot. I'm making instant pasta on the stove, and it'll burn if I stop stirring.
Well, how was I supposed to know that? You never told me you were going to make instant pasta.
Well, it's dinnertime, and I told you this morning that instant pasta is all I have in my dorm today.
I got up and went into the kitchen. You heard the cupboard open and shut, you heard me tear open a paper package, you heard water running, and then the temperature in the dorm went up a couple degrees. What did you THINK I was doing?
Wow, you have bad theory of mind, if you thought I was going to figure all that out.
No, YOU have bad theory of mind, if you DIDN'T figure it out.
But it's kind of a hazy distinction, isn't it-- the question of who has bad theory of mind. I wonder if an average person in your situation would have figured out what I was doing, or if an average person in my situation would have felt the need to explain it.
In this particular instance, it doesn't really matter what an average person's mind would have done. What matters is our ability to theorize the mind of the specific, individual person we are interacting with.
Well, neither of us correctly theorized the other's mind.
So we both have crappy theory of mind.
Who cares. Theory of mind is just normal people's delusion that they have telepathy, anyway.
Comic #754
July 23 2010
MOUSEOVER TEXT: I'm glad this is an era when kids don't recognize 'cuspidor' as an English word.
This is the real Toreador song. The parody Abby sings has been around a long time; my mom sang it to me since I was a very small child. (Probably why I turned out so weird.)
TEXT OF COMIC:
Eww! These cookies have raisins in them. *ptoo*
Did you just spit that out onto the floor?
Yes I did. Ecch.
You don't do that, Sharon. Remember the old song:
"Tor-e-ador,
don't spit on the floor,
Use the cuspidor,
that's what it's there for."
What? That doesn't even make sense. What does "toreador" mean?
It means "bullfighter."
Well, then I'll translate that song into English, okay? Here goes:
"Bull-fight-tair,
don't sit on my hair,
Use the comfy chair,
That is why it's there."
You didn't have to change the whole song. Most of it was already in English.
Not the "cuspidor" part.
Comic #755
July 26 2010
MOUSEOVER TEXT: She loved leaving Abby/with hands tense and grabby/to hang on the edge of a clif-iny.
There was a young lady named Tiffany
Who found that she had an epiphany:
that if you combine
an eagle and lion
the outcome is gruesome, not gryphony.
Or you could try this one. Baryphony: the internet taught me a new word.
TEXT OF COMIC:
Norma, help!
What?
I started making up a limerick, but I couldn't finish it, and it left me on a cliffhanger!
Well, that's a problem nobody's ever asked me for help with before.
Listen.
"There was a young lady named Tiffany
Who found that she had an epiphany..."
I can't finish it, Norma. There isn't a third rhyme. Now I'll never know how it ends! I can't stand the suspense!
How about:
"There was a young lady named Tiffany
Who found that she had an epiphany
Each time she would hum
The 'da da da dum'
At the start of Beethoven's fifth symphony."
Not only does that not RHYME, it doesn't tell me what the epiphany was. I'm dying here, Norma.
"There was a young lady named Tiffany
Who found that she had an epiphany.
'Twas a secret she'd save
And would take to the grave,
For to tell it would ruin the mystery."
That rhymes even less.
Comic #756
July 27 2010
MOUSEOVER TEXT: I would pay money to see a sequel based on this premise.
Spring of Drowned Mosquito would be pretty ridiculous even for Ranma.
But I suppose an adult mosquito could drown. They can sit on the water's surface, but I bet they'd sink if you pushed them down in. (Which probably would mean that pouring water on her would kill her right after it turned her into a mosquito... so the idea's still ridiculous.)
TEXT OF COMIC:
...The end.
So, that was "The Wizard of Oz." Did you like it better than the movie?
I'm not sure. I still don't understand why pouring water on the witch made her disappear.
Oh, she didn't disappear.
Huh?
She just turned into a mosquito. She was so small no one saw her, so they all thought she was gone.
Why a mosquito?
Because ten years earlier, the witch had accidentally fallen into the Hot Spring of the Drowned Mosquito. So now she's cursed. Very tragic story.
I hate you.
Cold water turns her into a mosquito, but as soon as she finds some hot water, she'll be back in business.
Comic #757
July 28 2010
MOUSEOVER TEXT: Yes, Abby WAS just saying that to start an argument. She's kind of a jerk.
I suppose if you accept the premise that your only choices are immortality in heaven or immortality in hell, then you'll probably want to go to heaven even if you do believe that immortality would get totally boring after a while.
Still, interesting to see that Chrissy is such a glutton for pain and penance that the only thing about hell that she couldn't bear would be Abby's presence. I don't know if that means she finds Abby enjoyable, or if Abby's the one thing unpleasant enough to break her.
TEXT OF COMIC:
Isn't it wonderful that science will someday let us live forever in robot bodies?
You're saying that just to start an argument with me.
Oh, come on. You're no fun. Robot bodies would be awesome, you know. We'll eventually be able to make them with all the abilities and senses that organic bodies have.
Who would even want to live forever? You would eventually get tired of it.
You don't really believe that. If you did, you wouldn't want to go to heaven.
The only reason I want to go to heaven is because you won't be there.
Comic #758
July 29 2010
MOUSEOVER TEXT: I guess if it weren't so common, it wouldn't be normality, anyway.
I find it easier to imagine enjoying physical pain than to imagine enjoying being labeled. But it takes all kinds to make a world, I guess.
TEXT OF COMIC:
Well, my old pillow finally got so far past the 10%-dust-mites mark that it was actually more dust mites than pillow.
Eww.
So I went to buy a new one. And apparently pillows are categorized in three types now: pillows for side sleepers, back sleepers and stomach sleepers.
Yeah, I've seen that too. Kinda weird.
See, I doubt those are even valid categories. I sure don't do all my sleeping in the same position. I'd be surprised to meet anyone who does. It's beyond me how you can separate all pillow-users into those three boxes.
Still, you can't blame pillow companies for pandering to a basic human drive.
Huh?
Most people love categorizing themselves-- through personality tests, astrology, or whatever. And they'll totally discount evidence that suggests they don't fit perfectly into any of the available categories, because that would rob them of all the fun of slapping a label on themselves.
You make normality sound like a really kinky fetish.
The only reason it isn't considered one is because it's so common.
Comic #759
July 30 2010
MOUSEOVER TEXT: and what does folding paper have to do with either of them? WHO KNOWS
I am afraid a large percentage of my readership will not get these references.
Anyway, I like Japanese. Little words with sooooo many meanings. Lots and lots of potential for puns.
TEXT OF COMIC:
If "Shinigami" means "death god" in Japanese, then "gami" must be a variant of "kami," meaning "god."
If that's the case, then "origami" means "Ori god."
THE ORI ARE THE TRUE GODS!
Only you could make a pun connecting Bleach and Stargate.
Comic #760
August 2 2010
MOUSEOVER TEXT: Sounds too high for normal people to hear are ANNOYING. They aren't missing much.
When I was a kid I used to gloat at the normal kids about how I was going to live longer, because not only was I immune to peer pressure, I also got to ride the little bus. Which had seat belts. All the normal kids were going to die in traffic accidents before sixth grade.
I doubt they believed me, though. It really was pretty ridiculous, since the little bus was also probably more likely to flip over and crush everyone, and in that case seat belts would have done nothing but trap us inside the wreckage.
TEXT OF COMIC:
How do you suppose society can give people with Asperger's an advantage in the world?
We already have an advantage. We're smarter and less distracted by stupid social customs.
Still, I think those advantages are outweighed by the discrimination you face from normal society. You need another ace up your sleeve.
How about we get some hackers to program a voice to play over the TV and radio every few minutes, giving you compliments and encouragement... in a voice too high for normal people to hear?
I don't even watch TV or listen to the radio that much. Personally, I'd rather handicap the normal population. I wonder if we could get a performance-hampering poison to propagate through the same social channels as fashionable clothes and popular TV shows.
You mean the whole "I'm gonna do this just because everyone else is doing it" channels? Well, that is a vulnerability of-- wait, now you sound like you're advocating illegal drugs.
Only for normal people.
Comic #761
August 3 2010
MOUSEOVER TEXT: I usually slept through my home ec class, though. It was friggin early.
I entered college very unprepared for living on my own. I didn't know that metal wasn't microwaveable, and there were a ton of things I didn't know about doing laundry in a public machine.
I think Home Ec classes should teach that sort of basic thing, rather than focusing on making cookies and sewing on buttons. I know that learning the proper use of a microwave and washing machine should begin in the home, but if parents aren't teaching those things-- which apparently a lot of them aren't-- then schools need to step in. (I guess it's kind of like sex education that way.)
TEXT OF COMIC:
Do you actually learn anything in college?
Of course. College is very educational.
Especially if you live on campus.
What does living on campus teach you?
Well, first you learn that if you eat nothing but candy, you get diarrhea.
Then you learn that if you eat nothing but instant pasta, you get constipation. And then you learn to eat pasta half the time and candy the other half.
I can't wait.
Comic #762
August 4 2010
MOUSEOVER TEXT: Well, YOU know EVERYTHING about nothing.
Or was it the Sysco dish company?
TEXT OF COMIC:
Well, at least you don't have a tattoo saying, like, "Daddy's Little Girl Loves Cisco," like Kimberly Stewart did. I heard that she got it changed to "Daddy's Little Girl Loves Disco," after they broke up.
Ha, that sucks. Wait, was that Cisco Adler from Whitestarr, or Don Cisco the rapper?
You seriously don't know? It was--
Captain Benjamin Sisko.
Who the crap is that?
I think, I think he was from that one TV show.
"Keeping Up with the Cardassians."
You know NOTHING about NOTHING.
Comic #763
August 5 2010
MOUSEOVER TEXT: Actually, most people die from diseases no matter where they live.
When Cathy criticized Abby in comic #614 about calling in sick every month, she was being quite the hypocrite, because Cathy calls in sick every Saturday and Sunday morning. (But I guess it's better than coming into work with a debilitating hangover.)
TEXT OF COMIC:
Well, here are your annual reviews. Let's see which of you is getting a promotion.
What? It had better not be Abby. At least I take care of my appearance. She comes into work looking like she hasn't showered since YESTERDAY.
You know, in other parts of the world they don't have the luxury of wasting gallons of water every morning to maintain an unrealistic standard of personal nice-smelling-ness.
And in those parts of the world they all die from DISEASES because they don't keep themselves clean.
No, it's because people like you are using up all the planet's clean water and leaving nothing potable for them to DRINK. Exposing myself to germs actually improves my resistance to disease.
Idiots like you get sick all the time because your immune systems can't recognize a germ if it walks up and bites them.
That's total bull! I don't get sick more often than you! I just CALL IN sick more often than you!
Umm... I mean...
Actually, forget it. Neither of you is getting a promotion.
Comic #764
August 6 2010
MOUSEOVER TEXT: The closest Cathy ever gets to giving Abby a compliment.
Abby's certainly not immune to distraction.
TEXT OF COMIC:
Even with your supposedly superhuman immune system, Abby, you still do get the flu sometimes.
Of course. An immune system isn't really supposed to stop you from getting the flu. It's just supposed to stop you from dying when you get the flu.
People without good immune systems can die from the flu, you know. Like if you're really young, or really old, or you have an immune disorder, or you're on medications that suppress your immune system, or you're pregnant.
You know that, right? That being pregnant shuts down your immune system, to keep your body from rejecting the fetus? In order to protect you from parasites and diseases, your body's set up to try and destroy anything inside it that has different DNA from yours.
And a kid's got similar DNA to the mom, but not identical. So the only way the body can keep from rejecting him is if the whole immune system suppresses itself. Which makes me wonder if a woman who was pregnant with a clone of herself would actually have less trouble with her immune system...
It's sometimes actually kind of fun to watch you go off on tangents.
Comic #765
August 9 2010
MOUSEOVER TEXT: And I know how to saaave a liiiife...
Far too many things.
TEXT OF COMIC:
How do you define saving a life, anyway?
Doing something that results in someone living when they'd otherwise die, I guess.
So if I decide not to strangle you to death right now, I'm saving your life?
That's kind of a disturbing example... and no, that would be "sparing" my life. Saving a life is acting when your inaction could have resulted in death. Sparing a life is being inactive when your action could have resulted in death.
So when a mother feeds her baby, she's saving its life.
Hmm... no, in that case inaction would be considered killing the baby, not failing to save it. I guess saving a life is defined by what's socially expected.
Isn't everything.
Comic #766
August 10 2010
MOUSEOVER TEXT: Both.
Abby deliberately said "area of experience" instead of "area of expertise."
TEXT OF COMIC:
What's wrong? Can I help?
Not unless you know the best way to break up with a boyfriend.
Ahh... yeah, that's your area of experience, I guess.
I'm thinking of saying, "I don't like myself when I'm with you anymore."
How about "I don't like you when you're with me"?
Or maybe "I don't like either of us when we're with each other."
"The person I am when I'm with you doesn't like herself, and none of the other people I am when I'm not with you like her either, so it would probably be best for us to just kill her by never seeing each other again."
Was that a breakup suggestion, or a statement about your relationship with me?
Comic #767
August 11 2010
MOUSEOVER TEXT: a bus lane?
"Well, it looks like the three of us are stranded in the desert, a hundred miles from the nearest city, and two of our three cars have broken down. I hate to say it, but the only way we can survive is to..."
"Oh, God."
"You two go on without me. I'll take my chances with the buzzards."
TEXT OF COMIC:
Did you hear the one about the pregnant driver who claimed she could use the carpool lane because her fetus counted as a passenger?
What? That's a stupid joke.
It's not a joke. It was an actual court case. The court ended up ruling that a passenger has to be visible-- you can't realistically enforce the carpool-lane rules if you have to give a pregnancy test to each driver who claims to have a passenger inside her.
But I think they should go further. I mean, the whole point of the carpool lane is to encourage people to share a car who would otherwise be driving separately.
I think when the police enforce the carpool lane, they should require each passenger to show a valid driver's license. That's the only way they can be sure that the passengers might otherwise be driving on their own.
Your mistake is in thinking that people might actually carpool in order to use the carpool lane, in the first place. This is America, Abby. Nobody carpools unless the alternative is death.
We need a no-car lane.
Comic #768
August 12 2010
MOUSEOVER TEXT: a revolution in evolution
Actually, there are legal precedents suggesting possible answers to these questions.
In the case of motherhood, it's pretty much decided by who wants to be considered the mother. When a woman impregnates herself with another woman's eggs, the mother is the one who gives birth if she received donated eggs in order to have kids for herself, and the mother is the one who provided the eggs if it's a case of a surrogate. I think the same rule would hold true for twin mothers. Of course, if they both wanted to be the mother, there might be a legal dispute.
In the case of marriage and sex, yes, she would have to get her sister's permission. True, we place great value on the right to choose our own mates, but what if one woman's right to choose her mate forces an unwanted partner on another woman? Well, a similar thing can happen with just two people involved: if a man wants me and I don't want him, then giving him the right to choose his own mate would force an unwanted partner on me. And getting an unwanted mate (being raped or forcibly married) is almost universally considered worse than failing to get the mate that you want, so the law is very clear on this point: you have the right to choose your own partner, as long as everyone directly involved is okay with it.
In the case of prison: well, it does suck that a criminal conjoined twin can't be incarcerated without also imprisoning his non-criminal sibling, but then, a pregnant woman can be imprisoned even though her fetus hasn't committed any crime. Still, I think pregnant women who go to prison are probably kept in very carefully protected environments, so the innocent offspring won't be hurt in a prison fight. And they probably get shorter and fewer prison sentences than non-pregnant criminals. This would probably hold true for conjoined twins as well. (Of course, a pregnant woman can't be incarcerated as a pregnant woman for more than nine months, whereas twins could be incarcerated as twins indefinitely. But, of the crimes that one conjoined twin could commit without the help of the other, I doubt many of them are severe enough to carry a long sentence.)
TEXT OF COMIC:
You know what breaks the legal system?
Um... a revolution?
Conjoined twins.
Specifically, conjoined twins where the divide occurs only on the upper end of the body, so it's one body splitting into two heads or two upper torsos.
That does sound very specific.
But there really are twins like that! And they shatter practically every branch of the legal system. Our laws are utterly and completely dependent on the assumption that people have separate bodies.
If a pair of female twins have just one body from the waist down, and they have a baby, who gets listed on the birth certificate as the mother? Does one of the twins have the right to marry whoever she wants, or can she only marry someone her sister approves of too?
And what if one of the twins commits a crime? Is it morally acceptable to incarcerate them for something only one of them did?
Well, it'd be hard for one of them to commit a crime without the other being complicit, because each one controls half the body.
But what if it were a crime that requires only the head? Like... perjury, maybe. Or biting someone.
I never thought I'd hear those two crimes placed in the same category.
Still, you can't deny that a dramatic increase in the number of conjoined twins would shake the very foundations of justice in this country.
Maybe geneticists could start a revolution.
Comic #769
August 13 2010
MOUSEOVER TEXT: defense against the dark alt text
I think this is the first time I've used an absurdist punch line. And I only did it because the previous line mentioned Dada. Which is odd, considering how much absurdism usually makes me laugh when I read it in other people's writing.
TEXT OF COMIC:
Hogwarts had so much trouble with Defense Against the Dark Arts teachers, they should have hired someone to defend against them.
A teacher to defend against the Defense Against the Dark Arts Teacher?
Yeah. A Defense Against the Defense Against the Dark Arts Teacher Teacher.
Ha, he would have trouble introducing himself. "I'm the Defense Against the Defense Against the Dark Arts Teacher Teacher." "Oh great-- another Defense Against the Dark Arts Teacher who stutters."
Hey, I just realized that "Defense Against the Dark Arts" can be abbreviated "DADA." Is Dada a dark art?
Only if you're a kiwifruit.
Comic #770
August 16 2010
MOUSEOVER TEXT: Dove is not soap! NOT SOAP!
As of March 2010, when I write this, the Wiscasset, Waterville and Farmington Railway has not yet sued the World Wildlife Fund for its initials.
However, the World Wildlife Fund has apparently changed its name to the World Wide Fund for Nature, and yet somehow kept the same three letters... apparently the "nature" part wasn't important enough to be mentioned in the acronym.
TEXT OF COMIC:
I must be behind the times. I just found out about how the World Wildlife Fund sued the World Wrestling Federation and got them to give up the initials. That was, like, a year ago now.
Yup, you're behind the times all right.
Now you're going to tell me exactly what you think about it, aren't you?
Okay, I like the World Wildlife Fund, and I don't give a crap about wrestling, but I still think it's ridiculous to trademark a three-letter acronym. There are millions of organizations out there-- I'm sure there are some that have had those initials longer than the Wildlife Fund has.
Probably at least a few, I guess.
Plus, I thought laws protected a company's right to have the same name as another company as long as they aren't selling competing products. Look at Dove soap and Dove chocolate.
True. I mean, if they don't have that right, then there aren't enough names to go around.
Yes there are. There just aren't enough GOOD names. If you want to start a business with a 100% original name, you can totally name it "Dadgebloss" or "Glampinex" or "Lumbavoon" or something like that.
Have you seriously Googled all those?
Yes, and I've bought them as domain names, just in case. I don't want to start my first business in an era when the only options I have are all consonants.
Comic #771
August 17 2010
MOUSEOVER TEXT: Eiffel spelled backwards is Leffie, which sounds more like a real name.
Perhaps I've narrowed the possibilities of Abby's location a bit too far. I've been trying to be somewhat vague about exactly where she goes to school, but given the canonical information that she's in the American Midwest, and that the dorm rooms in her college have kitchens in them, and that she lives in a tall dorm building from which one can see a radio tower in the distance, maybe Mortensen Hall at Augsburg College is the only remaining option.
But then, there are some things going on at her college that have never happened at Augsburg, so I guess she just lives in an alternate universe.
TEXT OF COMIC:
I hope there isn't a storm tonight. I hate it when there's heavy thunder and lightning and I'm in the tallest building around.
Yeah. This dorm building is way too tall. Up here, you can see halfway around the world.
Well, that's an exaggeration.
No it's not. Look out the window. You can see the Eiffel Tower.
That's a radio tower. It has a little flashing light on it halfway up, and another little flashing light at the top.
Those are French guys standing on the Eiffel Tower, trying to communicate with us in Morse Code.
What are they saying? "Eeeeeeee"?
If I were up the Eiffel Tower in a storm, I'd be going "Eeeeeeee!" too.
Comic #772
August 18 2010
MOUSEOVER TEXT: no poo intended?
Here I sit, my friendship ended.
Tried to joke, but just offended.
(The story of my life, pretty much.)
TEXT OF COMIC:
Come on! If we don't leave this minute, we'll be late for my best friend's wedding!
But I really have to poop!
If you don't come with me RIGHT NOW, this relationship is OVER.
If I stay, she'll dump me. But if I crap my pants, I know she'll dump me too (npi). So... *sob* I guess I have nothing to lose. Goodbye, love.
*fart*
Here it is! I have finally demonstrated how someone could actually be "broken-hearted" in that situation!
If you ever draw something like that again, this friendship is OVER.
Comic #773
August 19 2010
MOUSEOVER TEXT: Agatha Christie and Arthur Clarke had more in common than initials.
Quantum particles ARE GOD.
TEXT OF COMIC:
How do you define "supernatural"?
I think Agatha Christie said once that the supernatural is just the natural that we don't understand yet.
That doesn't sound right. I think the supernatural is anything that directly violates the laws of nature.
Oh, come on. There have been plenty of times in history when people have discovered something that violated the laws of nature as they were written at the time.
But the logical thing to do in that situation is not to declare your discovery "supernatural." It's to revise the laws of nature. That's how we got quantum physics.
So what would you do if God came down from heaven tomorrow? Would you not call him God?
I'd probably call him a multidimensional quantum energy being.
I'm not sure he'd like that.
Comic #774
August 20 2010
MOUSEOVER TEXT: Communion would be a lot more fun that way.
The last line is basically what my cousin Matt said when we were discussing this issue. It sounds self-contradictory, but it's surprisingly true.
Other news:
Today, August 20, is our fifth wedding anniversary, and I'm going to use it as an excuse to take a 3-month break from Abby and Norma (or as we in the comic-strip world call it, a "sabbatical"). But the real reason is that my creative processes have slowed a bit: my ridiculous six-month buffer of comics has dwindled to a 2 or 3 month buffer, and I'm going to spend some time stocking up on ideas to make sure it doesn't keep dwindling.
During that time, I'll be reposting some of my favorite old comics. Enjoy the flashback, and I'll see you in December!
TEXT OF COMIC:
Now I can't stop thinking about how people define God.
It's a complex topic. Most people seem to include omnipotence in the definition, but that hasn't always been the case. The ancient Greek and Roman gods weren't totally omnipotent.
Yeah, it's a hard concept to define, I guess.
Remember the Prophets in Deep Space Nine? There was no doubt that they existed, and that they could do the things they were said to do. The only difference between a believer and a disbeliever was whether you called them "Prophets" or "wormhole aliens." Maybe real life is like that, too.
If you define a god as a powerful force that's responsible for the world's existence, and that governs our everyday lives, then there are many forces of nature that could be deified. Maybe the difference between atheists and believers can be just a matter of nomenclature.
Or maybe I'll define "God" as "chocolate-covered peanuts." That's a God I could totally believe in.
When a word can mean anything, it pretty much means nothing.
Comic #775
August 23 2010
MOUSEOVER TEXT: Comic #6, reposted
Since posting this for the first time, I have learned that the word used in the song is actually 'pataphysical, which also has very little to do with test tubes. According to Wikipedia, it's "a parody of the theory and methods of modern science"... maybe Joan was using the test tube ironically?
TEXT OF COMIC:
And now here's another old favorite from the Beatles: "Maxwell's Silver Hammer."
Joan was quizzical, studied metaphysical...
...Late night all alone with a test tube...
WHAT?
Metaphysics has nothing to do with test tubes! It's the philosophy of questioning the nature of reality!
And if Joan stayed up all night asking, "Is this test tube real?" then she needed to get HIT ON THE HEAD!
Just wait until you hear the rest of the song.
Comic #776
August 24 2010
MOUSEOVER TEXT: Comic #7, reposted
Bang bang Maxwell's silver hammer came down on her head!
Bang bang Maxwell's silver hammer made sure she was dead!
You know, when kids go crazy and shoot everyone in their school, I'm surprised people search their lockers for Marilyn Manson, and not the Beatles.
I guess society considers any piece of writing wholesome after it's been around long enough.
Comic #777
August 25 2010
MOUSEOVER TEXT: Comic #51, reposted
I wonder why humans are the only animals that wear clothes.
Actually, that's debatable.
One could describe the hermit crab as wearing clothes, because it isn't born with a shell-- it puts on the shells of other animals that have died. But that's a primitive form of clothes-wearing, sort of like a caveman finding a bearskin that's been eaten empty by scavengers and putting it on.
On the other hand, the caddisfly larva could be described as wearing clothing that it actually makes. It constructs a shell out of debris it finds, like a human weaving fibers together to make a coat.
Are there any others? Or are we one of just three deviant species of clothes-wearers on a planetwide nudist colony?
Something like that.
Comic #778
August 26 2010
MOUSEOVER TEXT: Comic #24, reposted
Oh look-- it's Cathy the socialite. She's so friendly she'll even sit next to a couple of nerds.
Shut up. I'm only sitting with you so I don't give the flu to any normal people.
Aww, you have the flu?
Duh-- yes, I have the flu. Now shut up so nobody notices I'm anywhere near you.
You know, it's not really surprising that you got the flu. Two of the three guys you're sleeping with have it.
Nobody told me the flu was an STD!
Comic #779
August 27 2010
MOUSEOVER TEXT: Comic #32, reposted
"Star Trek: The Next Generation" had seven seasons.
"Star Trek: Deep Space Nine" had seven seasons.
"Star Trek: Voyager" had seven seasons.
I think the makers of Star Trek are like Vulcans. They go crazy every seven years.
I wonder which is more insane: getting in a death-duel with a starship captain, or producing yet another new Trek series.
Comic #780
August 30 2010
MOUSEOVER TEXT: Comic #36, reposted
What's wrong, Cathy?
The boss is mad at me.
He saw me using company time for a cigarette break, and he said that if he ever catches me smoking on the clock again, I'm in big trouble.
Smoking on the clock? What part of the clock were you smoking?
Shut up.
It must have been one of the hands. Was it the minute hand or the hour hand?
You should get fired for the jokes you make.
I've got it! You must have been "second-hand smoking!"
Comic #781
August 31 2010
MOUSEOVER TEXT: Comic #48, reposted
If "Trix are for kids," then Kix are for trids.
What?
I think that "trid" should enter the language as a word for the kind of child who willingly eats Kix cereal. It could be a synonym for "sissy" or "mama's boy."
Why do you think only sissies and mama's boys eat Kix?
No self-respecting kid eats something so bland. There's no such thing as "low in sugar, kids love it."
Yes, it's "kid-tested and mother-approved"-- the kids tested it and didn't approve it, and the mothers approved it because they never had to taste it.
The type of kids that would agree to eat Kix are so excessively obedient, they probably don't even play in the mud-- which also fits nicely with the fact that "trid" is the reverse of "dirt."
Actually, I've always liked Kix.
Well, you're entitled to your own opinion... you trid.
Comic #782
September 1 2010
MOUSEOVER TEXT: Comic #49, reposted
I think your characterization of a "trid" is excessive. It's not fair to put people in boxes based on one piece of information about them.
Aren't you complaining all the time about how people make assumptions about you without getting to know you? I don't think you actually believe what you just said.
What am I thinking? Of course you don't. It was just an excuse to make a pun.
Now she catches on.
Comic #783
September 2 2010
MOUSEOVER TEXT: Comic #50, reposted
Your cousin Karen says she wants you to read her this book.
"The Cat in the Hat"? That book is unsuitable for children. We can't read it to her.
What? What's unsuitable about it?
All the implied sex.
Implied sex? Where?
There's a cat in the book! There are people in the book! They had to get born somehow! It's obscene!
You can stop parodying Karen's mom now.
Comic #784
September 3 2010
MOUSEOVER TEXT: Comic #52, reposted
I can't believe it. You just spent $90 on a toy light saber?
It's not a toy. It's a--
Your mom's going to kill you. That's a lot of money.
No, it isn't. There's no such thing as a large amount of money.
I can prove this logically. It proceeds from two premises: A. that one cent is not a large amount of money, and B. that you can't make a small amount of money into a large amount just by adding one cent to it.
If one cent isn't a large amount, then two cents also isn't a large amount, and neither is three cents, and so on forever. There is no juncture where one cent can make the difference between a small amount and a large amount, so they just keep being small all the way to infinity.
Somehow I don't think your mom will be convinced by that logic.
It's okay; I still have the light saber to defend myself.
Comic #785
September 6 2010
MOUSEOVER TEXT: Comic #43, reposted
I can't believe how incredibly fat I am.
You know what I can't believe? I can't believe that it's unacceptable to call someone else fat, but it's perfectly acceptable to call yourself fat in front of someone who weighs twice as much as you.
You weigh about 70 pounds. I weigh about 140 pounds. By calling yourself fat, you just called me a lard-butted cow.
You said it, not me.
When can I go home?
Comic #786
September 7 2010
MOUSEOVER TEXT: Comic #39, reposted
(Abby is a bit wrong about the timing of leap year. For a more exact explanation, see Wikipedia .)
How many days does a month have?
It depends on the month.
Four of them are thirty-day months, and seven of them are thirty-one day months. February usually has twenty-eight days, but every four years there's a leap year, and then it has twenty-nine.
It's actually more complicated than that, though. To make the year line up perfectly with the Earth's trip around the sun, they had to make it so that once every hundred years we skip a leap year when we would ordinarily have one.
But there's an exception to that, too. Once every thousand years we have a leap year when we would ordinarily skip it.
This is all insane! Do you have any idea how we'd survive if we had to measure space as crazily as we measure time?
Don't blame me, I didn't design it.
When not all feet have the same number of inches, it will be a scary, scary world.
Comic #787
September 8 2010
MOUSEOVER TEXT: Comic #40, reposted
I've invented a new system of measuring distance that's more like how we measure time.
So far, I've come up with names for the first ten feet of whatever you're measuring. They're called Arlmun, Marmague, Skrunge, Uffle, Bongaline, Clompton, Vengaron, Skibler, Framity and Dwamp.
Arlmun, Skrunge, Bongaline, Vengaron, Skibler and Dwamp all have twelve inches. But Uffle, Clompton and Framity each have eleven inches. Marmague has nine inches, except when the object you're measuring is green. Then it has ten inches.
That is, unless the object is green and tastes sour, in which case Marmague has nine inches. The only exception is when it's green, tastes sour and costs more than fifty dollars. Then Marmague has ten inches again.
What is green, tastes sour and costs more than fifty dollars?
Who knows. Maybe a cucumber that was found in Britney Spears' garbage can.
Comic #788
September 9 2010
MOUSEOVER TEXT: Comic #41, reposted
My new system of measuring distance can be used to state a length, width or height in much the same way we state a day of the year.
For example, I'm forty inches tall. The first four feet in my system are called Arlmun, Marmague, Skrunge and Uffle. Arlmun and Skrunge each have twelve inches, Uffle has eleven inches, and Marmague, at least in this situation, has nine inches.
So, doing a little math, I can tell you that my height is "the seventh of Uffle."
I think you have too much time on your hands.
Well, I think the circumference of your brain doesn't even get up to Marmague.
Comic #789
September 10 2010
MOUSEOVER TEXT: Comic #67, reposted
I bet you dollars to doughnuts that my cousin Karen grows up to be a lawyer.
What does "bet you dollars to doughnuts" mean, anyhow?
It means that if I win the bet, I just get doughnuts, but if I lose, I have to pay dollars. It's a way of saying that I'm very sure I'm right.
No, it's not. You'd rather have doughnuts than dollars anyway.
I know that, because on multiple occasions I have personally seen you in the store exchanging dollars for doughnuts.
Actually, I think YOU'RE going to be a lawyer.
I rest my case.
Comic #790
September 13 2010
MOUSEOVER TEXT: Comic #103, reposted
My parents are getting a car with a GPS unit in the front of it.
That's cool. But not as cool as my uncle's car.
My uncle's car has a GPS unit on the rear bumper.
What use is that?
He has a Wall Drug bumper sticker with a little LCD screen on it. The screen is connected to the GPS, and the digits on it change depending on how many miles he is from Wall Drug.
You made that up.
Of course I did-- but isn't it an awesome story?
Comic #791
September 14 2010
MOUSEOVER TEXT: Comic #107, reposted
I bought these beautiful new shoes that cost, like, fifty-nine dollars, and then I was walking to the auditorium with Becky when she pointed and said "look at that cute guy," and I turned around to look, and I tripped and scuffed my shoe! I almost killed her. The guy wasn't even that cute.
Is that the kind of story that most people find interesting?
What?
Is that an anecdote that would cause a normal human being to burst into tears of sympathy or exclamations of rage? Is that kind of shallow idiocy the average college student's idea of an enthralling tale?
Do you know that people used to think the world was flat?
Yes, I know that.
Well, they were right. The world is flat. "Flat" in the sense of BORING.
If you don't like this planet, you're welcome to go back to your own.
Comic #792
September 15 2010
MOUSEOVER TEXT: Comic #108, reposted
The creation story in the Bible has always puzzled me.
First, God creates humans in his image. Except they're not really in his image, because when he creates them, they don't have a sense of ethics. They don't know the difference between good and evil.
And God doesn't want them to know. There's a fruit they could eat in order to gain that knowledge, but he doesn't want them to eat it, because then they would "be like God, knowing good and evil." He doesn't actually WANT humans to be in his image. He orders them not to eat it.
But, since they have no knowledge of good and evil, they obviously have no way of knowing it's wrong to disobey God. So they eat it, and he kicks them out of Eden and makes them and all their descendants work hard and endure all the suffering of life.
Then the rest of the Bible is devoted to teaching us the difference between good and evil-- which we supposedly already know, and were not meant to know.
Obviously we were not meant to try and interpret that story, either.
And God punished all snakes just because of what that one snake did! That wasn't even a real snake! Real snakes don't speak Hebrew!
Comic #793
September 16 2010
MOUSEOVER TEXT: Comic #109, reposted
You know, some people would be offended by your little rant about the Book of Genesis. Jerry Falwell is probably spinning in his grave.
I don't like Jerry Falwell. I especially don't like him in Spanish.
You're smiling the way you do when you've just made a horrible pun. But I don't get it.
In Spanish, if you want to say you don't like someone, you can say "no me gusta," but that has more of a physical connotation, so a lot of people say "no me cae bien."
That comes from "caer," meaning "to fall," and "bien," meaning "well." When you say "I don't like him" in Spanish, you're literally saying "He doesn't fall well to me." I was making a pun on Falwell's name.
You've got to stop telling inside jokes where you're the only one on the inside.
But it's fuuuun!
Comic #794
September 17 2010
MOUSEOVER TEXT: Comic #131, reposted
I scraped my finger while fixing my computer this morning. Now it feels like it's getting infected.
Here, have a Band-Aid.
I've also got disinfectant and antibiotics.
What all do you carry in that giant purse?
Well, the first-aid kit is an Altoids box containing several assorted Band-Aids, a couple disinfecting wipes, a small tube of antibiotic ointment, a few aspirin, a little pair of tweezers, and a cotton ball.
Then I have my wallet, my palmtop, my cell phone, my feminine supplies, my medication, some pens and note paper, some AA and AAA batteries, a mini folding umbrella, a mini folding cloth shopping bag, a mini flashlight, some clip-on sunglasses, some Kleenex, some hand lotion, and a Swiss Army knife.
Holy crap. Why? Do you live every day in constant fear of being stranded on a desert island?
Hey, you're the one who needed a Band-Aid.
You'll also turn to me when you're soaking in the rain,
when you're stumbling in the dark, when you're
squinting in the sun, when you have to write down a
phone number, when your camera battery dies, when
your grocery bag rips, when your nose runs, when your
hands are dry, and when you have to cut a box open.
Men have an obsession with seeming independent and self-sufficient, but they ruin it completely by refusing to carry purses. When you've got nothing but what will fit in your pockets, you're doomed to a life of asking women for help.
Geez. Ask a simple question, and I get a tirade of gender stereotypes.
I can't believe it's the BOY Scouts whose motto is "Be Prepared."
Comic #795
September 20 2010
MOUSEOVER TEXT: Comic #132, reposted
Chrissy, what happened to you?
I was telling Cathy how her promiscuity is making God cry, and she slapped me.
She slapped you? You should tell a professor. She could get in big trouble.
I can't do that. The Bible says that when someone hits you on one cheek, you should turn the other cheek toward them. That means you don't hit back, and you don't complain, and you don't run away, and you don't try to get them in trouble. You just peacefully stand there and offer to let them hit you again.
That would explain why BOTH your cheeks are bruised.
Please don't make fun of me. It's hard enough already to do God's will.
Comic #796
September 21 2010
MOUSEOVER TEXT: Comic #133, reposted
So Cathy slapped the side of your face, and you just stood there and invited her to slap the other side too.
Yes. I was trying to live by the Bible.
Why do you think everything in the Bible is literally true?
Because the Bible says so.
And you don't see any logical flaw in that reasoning?
Only a linear thinker like you would see a flaw.
So what are you? A circular thinker?
You say it as if it's something bad.
Comic #797
September 22 2010
MOUSEOVER TEXT: Comic #134, reposted
So you think the whole Bible is literally true.
Of course.
What about that bit in the Song of Solomon where it says "Your eyes are doves?" Was the narrator actually saying that his girlfriend had birds instead of eyeballs?
The Song of Solomon isn't really a love song between two humans. It's a metaphor for Christ's love for the Church.
It's a metaphor? And yet it's still literally true?
Of course.
Methinks someone is a bit hazy on the meaning of the word "literal."
You're literally shooting yourself in the foot with weak arguments like that.
Comic #798
September 23 2010
MOUSEOVER TEXT: Comic #135, reposted
Chrissy, I don't think God meant for you to let Cathy slap you twice.
Maybe "turn the other cheek" means that if she hits you, you should turn the other cheek toward her to make sure that she doesn't hit the cheek she already hit-- because that would hurt a lot more.
But then, with your injured cheek safely turned away, you should back off and leave the room, avoiding a second blow if at all possible. And then you should tell the authorities.
You really think that's what he meant?
Well, it's just as literal as the other interpretation,
and it fits real life better. I don't know about
interpreting the Bible, but that's all that the courts
consider when interpreting the Constitution.
Comic #799
September 24 2010
MOUSEOVER TEXT: Comic #163, reposted
I've bought a new chair, Norma. It's a heavy cast-iron chair, so it'll be practically impossible for you to pull it out from under me in revenge for my bad puns.
It's really hard to pull it across the floor, because it's made of heavy iron and it doesn't have any wheels. Of course, if it had some, they could be called "ferrous wheels." Or "cast-iron casters."
And it's pretty, too. See how fancy and curly the design is on the back of the chair? I call it "curling iron."
Okay, that's it. I don't care how heavy that chair is-- I an going to beat you over the head with it.
That would be "ironic"!
Comic #800
September 27 2010
MOUSEOVER TEXT: Comic #164, reposted
I swear, if you make another pun about your new cast-iron chair, I'll...
You'll what? You'll "steel" it?
I will smash it over your rock-hard skull until the chair is reduced to a single cast-iron atom.
No, it's a "cast-ion"!
Oh, my God! A palindromic pun! Ron, will you marry me?
You are both going to die.
Comic #801
September 28 2010
MOUSEOVER TEXT: Comic #174, reposted
Why don't you have a pet?
I do, sort of. My mom's had a dog ever since I was a kid.
But I can't have a pet in my dorm. When I get a place of my own, I'll keep a pet. It won't be a dog, though.
Why not? Don't you like dogs?
I like them just fine... it's just... they're not real animals.
What do you mean, they're not real animals?
They're practically robots. Humans MADE them, through thousands of years of selective breeding. Most of their instincts were bred into them by humans. We basically programmed them to think the way we wanted them to. So all they want is to please people. They barely have a will of their own.
When I get a pet, it'll probably be a parrot. Most pet parrots aren't more than a few generations removed from the wild... so they're still the way nature made them.
Parrots can be gentle and loving sometimes... but other times they're vicious, loud, annoying, demanding, destructive, sneaky, manipulative, devious, distrustful, untrustworthy, self-centered and violent.
Dogs just have this totally unrealistic loyalty and faith in humanity. Their hearts are one hundred percent pure and good. And that's not natural.
You're the most cynical person in the world, Abby.
Did you know the word "cynical" literally means "dog-like"? I've always thought that whoever invented that word must never have met a dog.
Comic #802
September 29 2010
MOUSEOVER TEXT: Comic #176, reposted
So, Abby, how did you end up finding the cell phone that you lost?
I'm not going to tell you, Hans.
Aw, why not?
Because you and Ron are busy playing "Amphioxus Wars 2000."
I don't talk to people who are playing video games. No matter how hard they try to listen, they inevitably get distracted by something in the game, and stop paying attention to me halfway through what I'm saying.
It's not really your fault-- it's just something that happens when you try to have a conversation and play a game at the same time. I'm not being unreasonable, am I?
That's BRILLIANT!
You really think so?
Norma, check this out! Ron can do a Notochord Combo just as well BACKWARDS as he can do it FORWARDS!
Awesome!
I give up.
Comic #803
September 30 2010
MOUSEOVER TEXT: Comic #185, reposted
I don't understand the story of Cinderella. When the clock struck midnight, why didn't the glass slippers turn back into whatever raggedy old shoes she'd been wearing when she met the Fairy Godmother?
The dress turned back to what it had been before. The carriage and the horses turned back. Why not the slippers?
I know fantasy stories don't have to follow the rules of the real world. But I at least expect them to follow their own internal rules-- like "When the spell breaks at midnight, EVERYTHING will turn back to the way it was."
Otherwise it's just sloppy writing, ignoring logic for the sake of what's convenient to the plot.
It's a little late for literary criticism of that story, Abby.
Comic #804
October 1 2010
MOUSEOVER TEXT: Comic #186, reposted
I wonder what the official difference is between candy and fruit snacks.
We tend to think of fruit snacks as having less sugar and more real fruit in them-- but what's the official, legal amount that defines this?
The thing is, there MUST be an official difference-- because there's sales tax on candy and not on fruit snacks.
Frightening though it sounds, I think it's decided by what the company SAYS the product is.
So if the companies that make Starbursts and Skittles suddenly decided to call them fruit snacks, I wouldn't have to pay tax on them anymore? Sweet!
Yes, I can see a lot of potential for corruption there.
Comic #805
October 4 2010
MOUSEOVER TEXT: Comic #182, reposted
Mom says that it's not safe to talk to strangers. And she says that a "stranger" is a person we don't know.
But then I asked her, "What should we do if we start a new grade and end up in a class where we don't know the teacher or the other kids?" And she said, "Don't be silly. Of course you can talk to THEM."
So apparently there are SOME strangers it's safe to talk to. But Mom can't give me a coherent guideline for how to tell which ones are safe. She just said "Use your common sense."
Unfortunately, I don't think I have common sense yet. I just have logic.
I think that when people grow up, they lose their logic at the same time they develop their common sense.
Comic #806
October 5 2010
MOUSEOVER TEXT: Comic #197, reposted
Good morning, children. Class is now in session.
Today we're going to talk about why "salt and batteries" is such an awesome pun.
Not only does it sound a lot like the familiar phrase "assault and battery"... but it even sort of makes sense in itself, because you can actually use a cup of salt water AS a battery to run a small digital clock. It's sort of like those clocks that plug into potatoes.
Plus, if you translate "salt and batteries" into Spanish, you get "sal y pilas," which is, like, one letter away from being a palindrome. So, yeah, it's pretty much the most awesome pun in existence.
You're pretty good for a substitute teacher, Karen, but you're not Miss Abby.
Hey, she can't ALWAYS be here to play "school" with us.
Comic #807
October 6 2010
MOUSEOVER TEXT: Comic #199, reposted
"Luke's duck takes licks in lakes Luke Luck likes. Luke Luck takes licks in lakes Luke's duck likes."
Reading from "Fox in Socks"?
Yeah. The great works of Seuss bring back so many vivid memories for me.
As a kid, I always thought that Luke Luck and his duck were trapped in this conforming relationship where each one only licked lakes to please the other, and neither one ever got to lick the lakes he himself liked.
I compared it to the scenario where a bunch of Minnesotans are going out to dinner together, and they can't decide where to go because each one will only say "I'll go wherever you want to go."
And since none of them will express preferences of their own, they end up either going someplace none of them want to go, or staying at home and being hungry. Poor Luke and his duck always kind of embodied that sad fate in my eyes.
Wow. That's poignant.
Isn't it, though? Thirst in the land of 10,000 lakes to lick.
Comic #808
October 7 2010
MOUSEOVER TEXT: Comic #198, reposted
I've always thought movies where people shrink are stupid.
There are only two workable ways to shrink something. Either you reduce the amount of empty space in it, like when you collapse a telescope... or you reduce the amount of matter in it, like when you dry a grape into a raisin. But you can't do either of those things to people.
That's true, Hans, but what if you used relativity?
What does relativity have to do with it? Relativity is when you travel close to the speed of light, and less time passes for you than for the rest of the universe.
Yeah, but time is just one of the dimensions. There must also be forms of relativity that apply to the dimensions of length, width and height... don't you think?
If there's a way to make less time pass for one person than for another, then maybe the same can be done with space. Maybe you can put some kind of spatial anomaly around yourself, and inside it there's enough space for your whole body, but from the outside it's the size of a cockroach.
But light couldn't travel through the walls of an anomaly like that. Other people couldn't see me, and I couldn't see them. And there'd be so much mass inside the anomaly, it would seem like a really dense object to the outside world, and gravity would pull me down through the floor.
That's not my problem. I just figured out how to shrink you.
Some friend you are.
Comic #809
October 8 2010
MOUSEOVER TEXT: Comic #205, reposted
They say that female hormone cycles follow the cycle of the moon.
That would make sense. The moon gets fat, and we do too.
I gain so much weight at that time of the month-- I feel as big as a house.
So you turn into a house at the time of the full moon. I guess that means you're a "were-house."
You have one second to get out of that chair before I pull it out from under you.
Comic #810
October 11 2010
MOUSEOVER TEXT: Comic #209, reposted
I've had it with your insistence that you're never going to have children, Abby.
I've made a new will. It explicitly states that you'll inherit nothing unless you've gotten married and given me at least one biological grandchild by the time you're thirty-five.
Huh. How much do I stand to inherit if you don't cut me out of your will?
It depends on a lot of things... but it could be as high as $80,000.
Nice try, Mom. That's LESS than it takes to raise a child. I'd actually end up with more money if I just stayed childless and let you disinherit me.
Curses. Foiled again.
Why don't you go back to trying to find a doctor who'll prescribe you old-age fertility drugs?
Comic #811
October 12 2010
MOUSEOVER TEXT: Comic #230, reposted
Is there a gender-neutral singular form of the word "cattle"?
What?
"Cattle" is plural. What's the singular? We have the words "cow" and "bull," but those are gender-specific. Is there a singular form of "cattle" that doesn't specify a gender?
Well, I guess a lot of people use "cow" as a gender-neutral word, even though properly it only refers to female cattle.
But that's wrong.
What do you want? You could say "a bovine," but that would include buffalo and bison and stuff.
What if the singular form of "cattle" were "cat"?
That would be confusing.
I think I'll stick with the phrase "one head of cattle."
Comic #812
October 13 2010
MOUSEOVER TEXT: Comic #231, reposted
You know how the word "cow" is only correct in referring to female cattle?
Yeah, you were just ranting about that.
Well, then technically a cow pie is only a cow pie when it's produced by a female! What do you call it when it's made by a bull?
I'll give you a hint: It's the same word I'm about to use to describe this conversation.
Ha ha.
Comic #813
October 14 2010
MOUSEOVER TEXT: Comic #232, reposted
What should we do tonight?
I dunno. We could watch a movie. I have "Brokeback Mountain" on DVD.
I don't want to watch "Brokeback Mountain."
What, you don't like gay movies?
I don't like cowboy movies.
Brokeback Mountain isn't a cowboy movie. The characters aren't really cowboys.
No, but they act like the cowboys in cowboy movies. Macho. Inarticulate. They beat each other up more than they have sex. It's an abusive relationship, so it completely fails as a love story. And so do all cowboy movies, in my opinion.
Can't you do anything besides ruin other people's enjoyment of popular media?
The only cowboy movie I would ever watch would be one where the Marlboro Man looks at a cigarette and says, "I wish I knew how to quit you."
Comic #814
October 15 2010
MOUSEOVER TEXT: Comic #233, reposted
What do you mean, you don't like cowboy movies?
I just don't. Cowboys are annoying.
What do you mean? You like movies about knights. And cowboys are basically the same thing. You know, the horses, the duels, the chivalry, the legends.
I don't think so. I think the world would be a lot more awesome if all cowboys became knights.
You think George W. Bush should become a knight?
Yeah! "I hereby dubya Sir George!"
Comic #815
October 18 2010
MOUSEOVER TEXT: Comic #234, reposted
You want to watch a movie with us, Ron? I've got a bunch of DVD's, including that one series of movies with Matt Damon.
Hey, I just realized "Damon" is "Nomad" spelled backwards. Can you make a palindrome out of that, Ron?
Damon, a sierra mama marries a nomad!
Wow! That was... hey, wait a second.
That wasn't a palindrome! To make that into a palindrome, you'd have to transpose the "i" and "e" in either the word "marries" or the word "sierra"!
Hey, Norma! Hey, everyone! Ron made a mistake! Ron said something that wasn't a palindrome!
...Umm... mmu... damon a seirram amam arreis a nomad.
Nice save.
Comic #816
October 19 2010
MOUSEOVER TEXT: Comic #238, reposted
Hey, your wall clock isn't working.
Yeah, but a stopped clock is right twice a day.
You should get it fixed. Twice a day isn't enough.
Actually, it's better than most clocks.
A working clock, is never, ever EXACTLY right. It's always off by a minute, or a second, or a millisecond. But twice a day, MY clock is absolutely 100% accurate, down to the tiniest fraction of an instant. That's better than the most accurate clocks in the most high-tech labs in the nation.
But only twice a day.
Better than nothing.
Comic #817
October 20 2010
MOUSEOVER TEXT: Comic #240, reposted
Ooh, I think I just saw a piece of jewelry or something on the ground.
Oh, never mind, it's just a piece of a candy wrapper. Ew. Now I have to wash my hands.
Hey, don't put it back down. It's litter.
So? It's not against the law to leave someone else's litter lying on the ground.
But it is against the law to put litter on the ground yourself. It doesn't matter if it was originally yours or if you just picked it up.
What? Sure it matters! If you found it on the ground, you can put it back on the ground!
So I could pick up a candy wrapper in the street, carry it to the park and throw it on the grass, and I wouldn't get in trouble?
Well... I guess you could get in trouble then. But it's okay to put it down right where you found it.
What about five inches from where you found it? What about five feet? Is there a specific distance limit at which it becomes illegal?
I'm betting you've given this a lot more thought than the lawmakers have.
Comic #818
October 21 2010
MOUSEOVER TEXT: Comic #248, reposted
Is it going to rain today?
Watch the weather forecast on TV, Karen. How would I know?
But Mom, what the weather man says only turns out to be true about three-quarters of the time.
Well, that's better than listening to your sister, who only tells the truth half the time, or your father, who only tells the truth a quarter of the time. Now go away and let me rest.
Hey, Sharon, when is the weather forecast on?
About an hour ago. I didn't see it, but Dad did. He says they gave us a 10% chance of rain.
Hmm. If what Mom says is true, then there's a 50% chance that there's a 25% chance that there's a 75% chance that there's a 10% chance that it'll rain today. Do you have a calculator?
I will never understand math.
Comic #819
October 22 2010
MOUSEOVER TEXT: Comic #254, reposted
TEXT OF COMIC:
Box. Bag.
Bowl. Beaker. Bottle.
Basket. Bucket. Barrel. Basin. Bin.
Are you making a list of containers that start with B?
Yes. There are way too many.
How about "brain"? It's evidently a container for useless information.
Comic #820
October 25 2010
MOUSEOVER TEXT: Comic #252, reposted
I read this sort of semi-science-fiction story once. It was about a future where the government decided that TREATING people equally wasn't enough-- people had to actually BE equal.
What did that mean?
It meant that everyone who had a natural advantage, like above-average strength or intelligence, got "handicapped" down to a normal level.
Strong people had to carry around heavy weights to make it harder for them to use their strength, and intelligent people had to wear earphones that made distracting noises to keep them from thinking too much.
But the trouble with that idea is that it wouldn't really create equality. There aren't just average and above-average people, there are also people of BELOW-average strength and intelligence-- all the way down to people who are paralyzed and brain-dead.
And if you can't cure them, you have to handicap everyone down to their level-- otherwise there's still inequality.
Well, that WOULD solve a lot of the world's problems.
So would blowing up the planet.
Comic #821
October 26 2010
MOUSEOVER TEXT: Comic #271, reposted
I'm so sleepy. When I went into your bathroom just now, I noticed your soap bottle said "Procter and Gamble" on it, except at first I thought it said "Proctologist and Gambler."
Do you think that means I've stayed up too late?
You bet your butt it does!
I would kill you for that joke, but I'm too tired.
Comic #822
October 27 2010
MOUSEOVER TEXT: Comic #272, reposted
Abby, what does "The Great American Novel" mean? I'm guessing it means more than just the greatest novel in America.
Yeah. The concept of "The Great American Novel" is basically a novel that embodies the essence of America better than any other novel.
People disagree on which novel that is, though. Some say it's "The Great Gatsby," some say it's "Huckleberry Finn," some say it's something else, some say it hasn't been written yet.
Personally, I think the essence of America is always changing, so the Great American Novel will always be changing too. Maybe it was "Huckleberry Finn" in one era and "The Great Gatsby" in another era, but no book will be the Great American Novel forever.
I think that for the past few years, "1984" has been the Great American Novel.
Oh, shut up. That wasn't even written in America.
Comic #823
October 28 2010
MOUSEOVER TEXT: Comic #282, reposted
I wish I could afford to study abroad in Spain for a semester.
Ugh, I would never do that. I read the blog of someone who studied in Spain. She said she had Montezuma's Revenge the whole time.
Montezuma's Revenge?
Traveler's diarrhea.
I know what Montezuma's Revenge is. But it's only called that if you get it when you're in Latin America. The idea is that Montezuma's ghost takes revenge on foreigners who come to his land, because he was treated like crap by foreigners who came to his land a long time ago.
So? Those foreigners were from Spain. Why wouldn't Montezuma take revenge on Spain too?
I'm sure he'd have a reason to take revenge on the natives of Spain. But why take revenge on people who visit Spain?
People who visit Spain are voluntarily helping Spain-- contributing to its economy. Natives of Spain can't help living there; it's not their fault. So he doesn't punish them.
So why does he punish people who visit Latin America? They're helping HIS economy.
Who knows. Ask Montezuma.
Comic #824
October 29 2010
MOUSEOVER TEXT: Comic #304, reposted
Wow, a Borg Klingon! I've never seen one of those before!
Neither had I. That's why I made the costume.
I figured, the Borg are supposed to consist of all species, and yet they all seem to look human. So I thought I'd throw in a Klingon for variety.
Well, I like it. Most of the costumes I've seen so far aren't nearly that creative.
What's Cathy wearing?
Eww, science fiction costumes. You're such boys. Real women use Halloween as an excuse to dress up as French maids.
Today is a good day to assimilate you.
Comic #825
November 1 2010
MOUSEOVER TEXT: Comic #305, reposted
So we dressed up as the scariest things we could think of. I'm a Borg Klingon, and Norma is a Marshmallow Peep.
Hmmm... you're still not as scary as Cathy in her French maid outfit.
What are you?
I'm a PC running Windows Vista.
Ooh, I'm trembling in fear.
And Ron, you're an...
Evil Olive!
I love it. I love it.
How'd you guys get here, anyway?
I rode my bike. Small children scattered in terror everywhere I went. It was great.
What about you, Ron? Did you take the bus or something?
Martini tram.
Cute. Ron. Cute.
Comic #826
November 2 2010
MOUSEOVER TEXT: Comic #283, reposted
So the cashier asked if I wanted a paper bag or a plastic bag-- when I had a mostly empty backpack on my shoulder, and all I was buying was a chocolate bar small enough to fit in my pocket!
Of course I didn't want a bag! In fact, I was just going to eat the chocolate bar right away-- which is the case 90% of the time when someone walks into a store and buys nothing but a chocolate bar.
Any cashier who asks a question like that should be fired, because he's obviously too stupid to have a job.
I don't know. That doesn't mean he's stupid-- it just means he said a stupid thing.
Well, smart people don't SAY stupid things.
Hey, guys! You know what? I'm going to go into a career in genetic engineering, just so I can make a hybrid between the peanut plant and the buttercup plant, and call it a "peanut-buttercup!"
Present company excepted, of course.
Comic #827
November 3 2010
MOUSEOVER TEXT: Comic #293, reposted
This author says, "In times of crisis there are no atheists." She's talking about how even people who don't believe in God will start praying when their lives are in danger.
Well, that's true... or at least mostly true.
But I don't see the point of saying it. It doesn't prove that there's a God, or that atheists are stupid. All it proves is that people who are desperate will try anything, even things that wouldn't ordinarily make sense to them.
I bet if you found a guy who was being swallowed by an anaconda, and you told him that the national anthem makes anacondas throw up, he'd start singing as if he were at the biggest baseball game in history. He can't help it. He's desperate.
Actually, we should try that sometime. It would be fun.
I'm not THAT desperate for entertainment.
Comic #828
November 4 2010
MOUSEOVER TEXT: Comic #317, reposted
Why don't you wear designer clothes?
Define "designer clothes."
Clothes designed by a designer.
Define "a designer."
Someone who designs clothes. Duh.
Well, by those definitions ALL clothes are designer clothes.
You are SO not cool.
Define "cool."
"Not you."
Comic #829
November 5 2010
MOUSEOVER TEXT: Comic #328, reposted
Hey, Hans, do you want to hang out with Norma and me and watch the movie "The Fifth Element"?
No. A movie about boron couldn't possibly be very interesting.
It's not about boron, Hans. They're not talking about elements on the Periodic Table.
Well, if "the fifth element" doesn't refer to boron in the movie, then I'm still not watching it, because it's scientifically inaccurate.
You're hard to please.
Not really. All you have to do is leave me alone with my Linux machine.
Comic #830
November 8 2010
MOUSEOVER TEXT: Comic #352, reposted
Do you want a million dollars, Abby?
Of course, Karen. We'd all love to have a million dollars.
I'll sell you a million dollars.
You'll SELL me a million dollars. How much will it cost?
A million dollars and eighty cents.
So basically you're asking me to give you eighty cents.
Please? The vending machine at the drugstore has a new kind of Nerds candy.
Comic #831
November 9 2010
MOUSEOVER TEXT: Comic #357, reposted
You know how in Battlestar Galactica, they always call the Cylons "toasters?" I think they should call the Cylon fighter ships "flying toasters."
You know, like the old Flying Toasters screensaver.
Man, I wish I had that software for ripping scenes from DVDs. I would totally make a music video of the Flying Toasters theme song from the screensaver, with scenes of Cylon space battles. It would go viral on Youtube.
I doubt it. If it's actually true that there was a Flying Toasters theme song, I'm sure you are the only person on Earth who remembers it.
"Flying out of the sun!
The smell of toast is in the air!
When there's a job to be done,
The Flying Toasters will be there!"
Comic #832
November 10 2010
MOUSEOVER TEXT: Comic #358, reposted
My music video of the Flying Toasters song with Cylon battle scenes would be awesome. I already know what most of the scenes would be.
"Flying out of the sun" could be any battle that takes place near a star. When it says "The smell of toast is in the air," I'd have a scene of a Cylon fighter zapping a human fighter and frying it to a crisp.
The verse where it says "Flying Toasters set a spark, and hope is blazing 'cross the land!" could be the scene where the Cylons nuke the planet Caprica. "Gleaming angels of love" could show that Cylon who was Baltar's girlfriend, in one of the scenes where she looks all glowy and angelic and talks about doing God's will.
You seriously need something better to do with your time.
The "Flap! Flap! Flap!" line would be hard to match. Cylon fighters don't have flapping wings.
Comic #833
November 11 2010
MOUSEOVER TEXT: Comic #373, reposted
Hello, ma'am. I was wondering if this bookstore has... um, are you laughing at me?
Mmm? No, no, I'm just laughing to myself.
See, I was thinking about how Superman is faster than a speeding bullet, and then I got to thinking about the very concept of a speeding bullet, and whether there is actually some sort of speed limit for bullets, and what sort of penalties they would face if they disobeyed it.
And you thought that was funny.
Yeah, pretty much.
Either you're a complete weirdo, or your job is so monotonous that it would make a linoleum tile seem entertaining.
Some of each, I guess.
Comic #834
November 12 2010
MOUSEOVER TEXT: Comic #375, reposted
...And as Kaylee correctly answered, the word "Mach" refers to the speed of sound. Does anyone remember what was the first man-made object to go faster than that speed?
A turd.
Abby, if you must make vulgar jokes about the lesson, can they at least be clever ones?
I'm serious. A turd was the first man-made object to break the speed of sound.
This is because a turd was undoubtedly the first man-made object EVER, and it went faster than the speed of sound because it was on the planet Earth, which is orbiting the sun faster than the speed of sound.
I was talking about the first man-made object to go faster than the speed of sound IN RELATION to the Earth.
That would have to be the light from the first man-made fire.
Comic #835
November 15 2010
MOUSEOVER TEXT: Comic #381, reposted
I think I have Munchausen syndrome.
What? Isn't that a psychiatric condition where someone pretends to have a disease in order to get attention?
Yes. I'm sure that's what I have.
No you don't! You aren't going around pretending to have diseases!
Sure I am! I'm doing it right now.
Whoa. That has got to be some kind of logical paradox.
Comic #836
November 16 2010
MOUSEOVER TEXT: Comic #384, reposted
Hey, Abby, do you have a nail clipper?
No. Sorry.
That's okay. Do you have a pocketknife?
Yeah, here you go. But do you really want to trim your nails with a pocketknife?
Sure. Don't worry about me. I'm not going to cut myself.
Yeah right. There will be blood, Hans. I bet you a hundred bucks there will be blood.
There! See? I did it! No cuts! You owe me a hundred bucks, Abby!
No way. I said there would be blood. I didn't say it would necessarily be outside your blood vessels.
Then what you said was pretty much meaningless.
Saying something meaningless is always a safe bet.
Comic #837
November 17 2010
MOUSEOVER TEXT: Comic #399, reposted
I wonder when really good sports gear becomes cheating.
I mean, at the Olympics, there's no standard clothing. All the swimmers wear different swimsuits. All the runners wear different track shoes. So it's just as much a contest of technology as of human skill. If someone wins endless gold medals, maybe he's just got a really good set of clothes.
And when does it become too good? I mean, if your swimsuit has little rocket jets on it, you're obviously cheating. But if it's a high-tech material specially designed to slide through the water, that's okay. Even if it gives you just as much advantage as taking steroids.
I think there should be a limit. But, I mean, where should it be? Should they stop being allowed to wear this year's latest outfits? Should they have to wear clothes designed twenty years ago? A hundred years ago?
I think they should go back to their roots and do everything naked.
Nobody would ever break a world record again.
Comic #838
November 18 2010
MOUSEOVER TEXT: Comic #404, reposted
There have been six presidents named James. Madison, Monroe, Buchanan, Carter, Garfield, and Polk.
But the sad thing is that none of them were impeached.
Huh? Why is that sad?
Because I think "impeach" should mean "to put someone inside a giant peach." And if it did, it should always happen to guys named James.
I wish there were a way to throw you out of office.
Comic #839
November 19 2010
MOUSEOVER TEXT: Comic #430, reposted
Hey!
What, Abby?
What kind of antibiotic do you use for an ear infection?
Huh?
Oomox-icillin!
That's "amoxicillin." And why did you answer your own question just now?
It wasn't a question, it was a Ferengi joke. Come on, didn't you watch Deep Space Nine?
Ear infections aren't funny.
But Ferengi are funny. Come on, Norma. You're ruining the comedic effect.
That joke deserved to be ruined.
Comic #840
November 22 2010
MOUSEOVER TEXT: Comic #444, reposted
I really wish I could have a dog in my dorm.
For two hundred bucks I'll sell you an invisible dog.
An invisible dog.
Yeah. In fact, he's not just invisible. He's inaudible, intangible-- imperceptible to all human senses.
Why would I want a dog like that?
Well, the campus authorities would never notice him. And you don't have to worry about cleaning up after him. Even if he poops all over your dorm, you can't see it, feel it or smell it, so it doesn't matter.
What would I feed him?
For twenty bucks a month I'll keep you supplied with invisible, intangible dog food.
But what if he runs away? What if he dies? I could spend years taking care of a dog that wasn't even there, and I'd never know it.
Or is that the whole point of selling me this dog?
Aww, you're onto me.
Comic #841
November 23 2010
MOUSEOVER TEXT: Comic #496, reposted
...So I think this chemical reaction would give off anions.
Wait, did you say "anions" or "an ion"? Man, these terms are confusing.
Cat-ion. Cat-ion. Go and catch a rat-ion.
I am going on-ion a quest-ion, in fact-ion.
Halt! You shall not pass-ion!
Who are you to restrict my pass-ion? Are you the god Eros-ion?
No, I'm just Hyper-ion.
I don't think I belong to that religious sect-ion.
Then you need to read this tract-ion.
You two are ridiculous.
No we're not-ion.
Comic #842
November 24 2010
MOUSEOVER TEXT: Comic #342, reposted
I think there isn't any Santa. I think everyone is lying to us.
What? That's gotta be the most ridiculously elaborate conspiracy theory in the history of conspiracy theories.
Think of the culture built around this. Think of all the Christmas songs. Think of all the nationally popular books and movies about people who didn't believe in Santa and were proven wrong.
If there really isn't a Santa, then all those books and movies are lies, the guy in the Santa suit at the mall is an impostor, and all our parents are getting up in the middle of the night to fill our stockings themselves.
A conspiracy just can't work on that level! You can't hide a secret from half of the population when the entire other half is in on it!
Plus, there's no motive! What do they have to hide? The fact that they're giving us presents? Who creates a nationwide, multi-billion-dollar cover-up story for something that nobody has any reason to keep secret?
In short, you're about five times worse than those people who think the moon landing was faked.
SOMETIMES CONSPIRACIES ARE REAL!!
Comic #843
November 25 2010
MOUSEOVER TEXT: Comic #469, reposted
Abby, I can't believe you could tell just by LOOKING at that book that "Jane Eyre" was the title and "Charlotte Bronte" was the author, instead of the other way around. You are such a nerd that you're absolutely pathetic.
I can't believe you keep picking on me! I was out saving the galaxy when your grandfather was in diapers!
Um, first of all, you're the same age as me. Second, you can't have been "saving the galaxy" from anything except badly organized bookshelves.
And third, my grandfather's in diapers NOW.
EXACTLY MY POINT.
Comic #844
November 26 2010
MOUSEOVER TEXT: Comic #323, reposted
This Thanksgiving, Sharon and I would like to say that we are thankful to Abby for being such an awesome cousin.
She taught us what a Rubik's cube is. She taught us that the tooth fairy will steal all our teeth if we sleep with the pillow on top of our heads.
She taught us that for any kind of creme sandwich cookie, the creme filling is the actual product, and the cookies can be considered part of the packaging and thrown away.
I didn't teach you that. That's inherent knowledge born into every child.
Oh, and she taught us that the Thanksgiving turkey is really a DEAD BIRD. So we'll be eating nothing but pumpkin pie tonight.
We'll need seconds. And thirds.
Comic #845
November 29 2010
MOUSEOVER TEXT: Comic #409, reposted
How come you're pouring chemicals on those coins, Abby? Is it like that experiment from chemistry class where we made a penny look like gold?
Not exactly.
Hmm. You're right, your test tube says "Sb" on it. I don't remember that from the gold penny experiment.
Yeah, but I figure that I can get a cool explosion if I mix money with anti-money.
That... was the most complicated setup for a bad pun that I've seen in DAYS.
Comic #846
November 30 2010
MOUSEOVER TEXT: Comic #343, reposted
Hey, I got a Christmas card from my grandma!
What? Do you even know your grandma?
No! You know my parents always tried to keep me as isolated as possible. Whenever I got a letter, they threw it away. But apparently now that I'm living at college, I can get mail!
What does it say?
"Merry Christmas From Grandma. Love you times zero times zero times zero times zero times zero."
Hmm. She must not love me very much.
Those are X's and O's, Hans.
Comic #847
December 1 2010
MOUSEOVER TEXT: I believe there's a bird in Seuss' "Scrambled Eggs Super" that does this.
Etymology of "ovation," from etymonline.com:
1533, from L. ovationem (nom. ovatio) "a triumph, rejoicing," from ovare "exult, rejoice, triumph," probably imitative of a shout (cf. Gk. euazein "to utter cries of joy"). In Roman history, a lesser triumph, granted to a commander for achievements insufficient to entitle him to a triumph proper. Figurative sense of "burst of enthusiastic applause" is first attested 1831.
Doesn't say it's related to "ovum." Apparently "ovation" and "ovulation" are not relatives, just strangers who freakishly happen to look similar enough that they both give an involuntary shudder when they run into each other on the bus.
And... I suppose you may have noticed that this is a comic you haven't seen before, which means that yes, I'm back from my sabbatical! Great to see you all again. Or... virtually hear from you. Or maybe just know that you might be reading my stuff. These greetings are difficult on the internet.
TEXT OF COMIC:
You never seem to appreciate my jokes.
They're terrible. What do you want? A standing ovation?
Heehee.
What?
When a bird lays an egg without sitting down first, that's a standing ovulation.
I rest my case.
The human equivalent is "Stand and deliver."
Comic #848
Dec 2 2010
MOUSEOVER TEXT: It's much easier to complain about laziness then to stop being lazy.
There are many activities that I like in theory more than in practice.
TEXT OF COMIC:
You know, our appetites evolved back in a time when sugary and fatty food was really hard to find, and exercise was pretty much inevitable.
True. It's perfectly natural that we want to eat all the calories we can get, and use up as few of them as possible. It's just modern society that makes those instincts problematic.
I heard that you burn more calories digesting celery than you get from it. I wish more foods were like that. If only we could somehow make eating a lot more strenuous. If only we could burn more of the calories in our food just by processing it in our bodies.
Well, we could eat all our meals as picnics in that park five miles from here.
I like that idea in theory, but not in practice.
Come on. We're packing a basket.
Comic #849
Dec 3 2010
MOUSEOVER TEXT: Poor Abby.
Similarities between backpacks and Vulcans:
1. they can pinch your neck nerves
2. they are not humans
3. they can contain large amounts of knowledge (in the case of a backpack, though, you have to fill it with books)
and... I honestly can't think of anything else, unless I want to get into things like "they are not Klingons, they are not horses, they are not meatball sandwiches" or "they are composed of atoms, they exist on planets, they have weight greater than that of a housefly." I seriously had more success the time I tried to compare Vulcans to vultures.
TEXT OF COMIC:
Are we there yet?
You're a wimp.
I'm carrying, like, a whole picnic basket in my backpack. It's heavy.
You'll live.
It's cutting off my circulation. My backpack wants to be the first backpack to perform the Vulcan neck pinch on a human.
A worthy goal. I offer it my greatest encouragement.
If I pass out, you're carrying me the rest of the way.
Comic #850
December 6 2010
MOUSEOVER TEXT: According to the intarwebs, Soul Claw is a spell in EverQuest.
What are these sprinkles on the coleslaw?
Jelly beans.
Belly jeans?
Well, our bellies might outgrow our jeans if we eat too much of it.
TEXT OF COMIC:
So here we are. Lunchtime. Mmm, what's that?
Coleslaw.
Soul Claw?
Might be.
Bite me.
While you're Spoonerizing, you might as well hand me the ice cream scoop.
You brought ice cream?
Nope. Coleslaw in ice cream cones. NOW will you admit this picnic was a bad idea?
I'll admit that letting you pack the lunch was a bad idea.
Comic #851
December 7 2010
MOUSEOVER TEXT: got this idea while walking home in the rain. #unsurprisinginspirations
Geez, Norma sounds like Calvin's dad right up until the last panel.
TEXT OF COMIC:
I wish we didn't have so far to walk back to the dorm.
It's only twenty minutes.
It's starting to rain.
Just a little.
There's a bus stop up there. We could catch the bus back to campus and be there in about five minutes.
You can do that if you want to, but I'm okay.
I can't believe you. You're so cheap that you'd rather take a twenty-minute walk in the rain than spend a buck and a half on bus fare?
I'm not doing it because it's cheap. I'm doing it because it's good for me.
I'm guessing that when you were a kid, your parents made you do so many miserable things for your own good that you somehow developed the idea that suffering is good for you in itself.
In a way, it is.
The very act of enduring something unpleasant builds your capacity to tolerate unpleasant things, which is good for you in many ways, since many of the things we have to do in life are unpleasant.
Like the history homework you're supposed to finish when we get back?
Okay, okay, you got me. I'm just trying to delay that as long as I can.
Comic #852
Dec 8 2010
MOUSEOVER TEXT: to be fair, maybe Norma just really, REALLY hates lying
This strip has far more than the usual number of instances of the words "love" and "chocolate." I'm surprised it isn't a more heartwarming strip.
TEXT OF COMIC:
Mmm, I love chocolate.
I bet I love chocolate more than you do.
It's not a competition.
That's exactly the kind of thing I'd expect to hear from someone who loves chocolate less than I do.
I do not love chocolate less than you do.
Want to bet? If I turn out to love chocolate more than you do, I get the rest of your bag of M&Ms. If not, you can keep it.
I would accept that bet, if there were actually a way to prove who loves chocolate more.
Well, then you've just accepted it, because I have a way.
The gourmet candy store downtown has a clearance on the day after Christmas. I'm going there to stock up on super-high-quality chocolate at deep discounts. Wanna come with me?
It'll be the day after Christmas, Abby. I'll be home with my family for the holidays.
Well, see, my family invited me home for the holidays, too, but I'm going to cancel my plans with them so I can go buy chocolate on clearance. Unlike you, I love chocolate more than I love my own family.
That doesn't prove you love chocolate more than I do. I happen to know that you hate your family.
Norma-- you didn't have to tell me you were going home for Christmas. If you truly loved the chocolate you're eating now, you could have agreed to go chocolate shopping with me, just so you could win the bet and keep your M&Ms, and then reneged after you finished eating them.
Your love of chocolate is not even as great as your dislike of lying. Once again I've proven that my love is superior.
Okay, so maybe I don't "love chocolate more than you," not in the sense that my love for chocolate is greater than yours. But I do "love chocolate more than you" in the sense that I love you less than I love chocolate.
Comic #853
December 9 2010
MOUSEOVER TEXT: It is true that toddlers have way too much influence on language.
I know that the phrase "green with envy" is related to the phrase "green-eyed monster" to describe envy, but still it's quite a leap from the eye color of a metaphorical personification of the emotion to the supposed color of a person feeling the emotion.
TEXT OF COMIC:
Why do anime characters' noses bleed when they see something sexy? I mean, seriously, that's not one of the signs of arousal in any human I've ever heard of.
Who knows. Why does English have the phrase "green with envy"? No real people turn green when they're envious, unless envy makes them nauseated or something.
Yeah, and I think I read some book from Spain where a character saw someone yawn and said, "That must mean he's either sleepy or hungry." I was like, what? People don't yawn because they're hungry!
It's kind of astonishing that there are so many sayings that seem to express a complete lack of understanding of how the world works.
Another sign that most language innovation is done by toddlers.
Comic #854
December 10 2010
MOUSEOVER TEXT: Sharon doesn't know what's in Abby's comic books.
The Golden Rule and gifts from the heart are the ultimate theory-of-mind failures.
TEXT OF COMIC:
Christmas is coming up, and I think my mom wants a present.
Well, the usual advice is to give her a gift from the heart.
The only thing I can think of that comes from the heart is blood, and if I gave her a bottle of blood, she'd freak out.
It's a figure of speech. It means a gift that you yourself would like to get.
That's stupid. Wouldn't it make more sense to give her a gift that SHE'D like to get?
No, a gift from the heart is a lot smarter. Because, see, if you give her a gift that you would want and she wouldn't, then she'll never use it, and you'll get to borrow it as much as you want.
You basically get to buy something for yourself while making people think you're being thoughtful. It's a brilliant, evil plot.
I think I'll buy her a collection of Japanese comic books just like yours.
That would be more like giving her the gift of a heart attack.
Comic #855
December 13 2010
MOUSEOVER TEXT: I can imagine dirty-minded people having a lot of fun with that poem.
In the end it doesn't matter if it's true or not, from their mom's perspective.
TEXT OF COMIC:
My friend Jenny says she knows an exercise that can make your breasts grow big.
Jenny's a nitwit. Cousin Abby says the only exercise that can grow your breasts is eating fast food three meals a day, and that'll grow your butt and the rest of your body before it grows your breasts.
Karen! Sharon! Stop talking like that right now! You're only seven years old! Who taught you words like that?
The word "breast" isn't evil, Mom. Come on. It's even in that "Night Before Christmas" poem.
No it's not.
Yes it is. "The moon on the breast of the new-fallen snow/ Gave a luster of midday to objects below."
Well, that was all right because it was used as a metaphor, not literally.
So dirty words are okay if you use them as metaphors? Is it just fine for me to say "Oh, crap!" as long as I'm not talking about literal crap?
I TOLD you not to talk like that. Go to your room, NOW.
You can pretend your rules make sense, Mom, but that won't make it true.
Comic #856
December 14 2010
MOUSEOVER TEXT: Someone's getting a lump of crap in her stocking.
And I'll get to crap in my room.
TEXT OF COMIC:
This whole thing about restricting what words we can say is total crap.
Karen! I told you not to say that word! Go to your room again!
Mom, you already punished me for saying that word. You just sent me to my room for half an hour. I've done my time.
Well, you have to do more time now, because you've said it again.
What, so each utterance of the word "crap" means another half hour in my room? What'll you do if I go "crap crap crap crap crap crap crap crap crap crap crap crap crap crap crap?" Are you counting? You'd better be, because apparently you think it's important.
Have you lost every shred of respect for authority?
If I say it forty-eight times, I won't have to go to school tomorrow.
Comic #857
December 15 2010
MOUSEOVER TEXT: I think this might explain why Abby was so grumpy in strip #20.
I had the same childhood experience as Abby. Kind of ridiculous, since I think egg nog is pasteurized.
TEXT OF COMIC:
It must be Christmas! The stores are selling egg nog!
I hate egg nog.
How can you hate egg nog? Are you the Grinch or something?
I don't know why I hate it, I just do. I think it's because I never had it as a kid. My mom didn't approve.
Hadn't she ever heard of non-alcoholic egg nog?
Her problem wasn't with that. It was with the raw eggs. She seriously thought I was going to die from salmonella poisoning if I ever had a drink of the stuff.
There are much more dangerous things she could have worried about, you know. I mean, fewer than 1 percent of eggs will give you salmonella poisoning. And only about 20 percent of salmonella cases get bad enough to go to the hospital, and only about 1 in 4700 of them end in death.
At the moment you decide to eat a raw egg, your chance of dying from it is probably less than your chance of being killed by aquatic wildlife at the moment you decide to go to the beach.
Well, my mom never let me go to the beach either.
You had a sad childhood.
Comic #858
December 16 2010
MOUSEOVER TEXT: it also has MORE DNA in it than blood
I suppose if water were really associated with romance, a lot more couples would be into watersports.
Actually, that saying refers not just to romance, but to any situation where you have to choose between family and something else. So you know what I'm gonna do if I ever have to choose between my family and an orange-raspberry milkshake. Those are a lot thicker than blood.
TEXT OF COMIC:
I do not get it.
What?
In old novels, when the heroine is dating someone her parents don't like, the parents act as if she should leave him for the family's sake. And the way they articulate that is by saying, "Blood is thicker than water."
Well, people have associated blood with family for a long time. It does have DNA in it.
But what does water have to do with romance? Seriously!
I swear, if I'm ever in an intimate relationship with a guy that my mom doesn't approve of, and she tells me that blood is thicker than water, you know what I'm going to say?
I shudder to think.
I am going to stand up straight, look her in the eye, and say, "Mother, the fluid that binds me to this man is thicker than blood."
Eeeeeeewwww.
Comic #859
December 17 2010
MOUSEOVER TEXT: I guess that will successfully keep Abby from complaining to the boss.
Life is depressing sometimes.
TEXT OF COMIC:
Okay, we've finished unpacking the shipment of science textbooks. Now you're supposed to go make sure the new releases table is properly organized.
What? The boss didn't say that.
Well, that's what he WOULD say.
No he wouldn't. He lets me choose what tasks to do first. Since when do you get to micromanage me?
I've found it's a prudent career move to micromanage coworkers who are on the same level as me.
Why do you think that? Seems to me you'll get in trouble for giving orders to people you don't outrank.
No, you see, when management is looking for people to promote, they look for leadership skills. And good leadership skills are hard to notice, because a good leader will get other people to do what he wants without them even realizing it.
But it's easy to spot an entry-level employee micromanaging other entry-level employees, so that's the type of person that usually ends up climbing the corporate ladder.
You evil, manipulative--
Is that any way to talk to your future boss?
Comic #860
December 20 2010
MOUSEOVER TEXT: a Wordsworth a thousand puns
More than a thousand, probably, depending on how many frames per second you use.
In college I took a digital art class where I learned to make animations and computer games. I really discovered how hard it is to portray in pictures what it's so easy to say in words.
TEXT OF COMIC:
In my digital art class we're learning to do computer animation. I'm making a little movie about a couple who get married and then one of them turns out to be a space alien.
Sounds right up your alley.
But I'm realizing how much harder it is to animate a story than just to tell it. For the wedding, I have to spend hours drawing the characters in different positions, making them walk down the aisle, exchange vows, put on rings, and so on-- not to mention the reception.
I wish I had an animation program smart enough that I could just type in "wedding" and it would do the rest.
In some cases, a word is worth a thousand pictures.
How many pictures does it take to present "spouse revealing true alien form"?
Comic #861
December 21 2010
MOUSEOVER TEXT: Can't find the word origin online, but it dates back to 1600.
On the other hand, the same usually goes for hair, and skinny people are not always called hairy.
TEXT OF COMIC:
Where do we get the word "skinny"?
Hmm?
Skinny people actually have less skin than fat people! The word doesn't make sense.
Maybe it goes by percentage, rather than amount. A skinny person's skin is a larger percentage of his body mass.
But so are other parts, like his bones.
And skinny people are also called "bony."
I... I want this not to make sense, but it does.
I'm sure you can find something else to complain about.
Comic #862
December 22 2010
MOUSEOVER TEXT: I wonder where one draws the line between subtle and blatant puns.
On closer thought, though, I don't think "He's dead, Jim, but not as we know it" really counts as a pun. There's no double meaning of a word.
TEXT OF COMIC:
The news is so depressing. Look at this article. They're talking about how really good TV shows that are scheduled on Fridays on Fox always get cancelled.
Ha, the headline should be "Same bad time, same bad channel."
Har. Anyway it's not quite as depressing as this other article about the car accident victim who's showing no brain activity, and they're trying to decide whether to turn off life support.
The headline for that should be "He's dead, Jim, but not as we know it."
Abby, you're sick. Newspapers don't use puns in headlines for tragic stories.
Sure they do. Look at this article about the gang fight in the southwestern area of town. The headline is "Southwest Side Story."
Well, okay, but that's a subtle pun. It's not a blatant ridiculous pun like the ones you make up.
Here's a story about a guy who lost his balance and fell off a bucking bronco. The headline should be "Vertigo Killed the Rodeo Star."
Comic #863
December 23 2010
MOUSEOVER TEXT: salt and batteries!
Sometimes it's difficult to define what is a metaphor and what isn't. The word "shell" has many uses-- a nutshell, an eggshell, the shell of a turtle or a clam or a bullet-- but they're all considered equally literal because the meaning of "shell" (at least currently) is seen to be very broad: "a hard outer covering."
Yet, presumably, one of those uses came first; presumably there was a time when only one type of hard outer covering was called a shell. For instance, if the shell of an egg was the first thing to be called a shell, did people consider it a metaphor when the next thing (a nutshell, perhaps) was given that name?
When someone took the word "battery," back when it only meant "beating" "or "bombardment," and used it to refer to a group of weapons, was that a metaphor? Perhaps not, since weapons are used for battering. When someone took that meaning and used it for a cluster of power cells, was that a metaphor? Perhaps not, since by then the word "battery" may have begun to refer generally to a group of objects. Yet you can't really say that "battery" for "beating" and "battery" for "power cells" are literal in the same way. Language is sometimes so counterintuitive...
TEXT OF COMIC:
How come Hans didn't show up yesterday when we were hanging out at your dorm?
He had said he wanted to return that book he borrowed from you, so I said he could come meet us at your place and we could all hang out, and he was like "sure, okay." And then he never showed up.
Oh yeah. He left the book in my campus box. Apparently he decided that would be more efficient than going all the way to my dorm.
Dude, didn't he hear me when I said we wanted to hang out with him?
I don't know. I mean, it's Hans. It's not his fault his social skills are even worse than yours.
They're terrible! He doesn't even think about people's feelings. He just calculates what would be materially, tangibly the most efficient thing to do. The guy is literally a computer.
Figuratively, you mean.
No, literally. The word "computer" originally referred to a person who performed calculations. The machine we call a computer today took its name from that, so really the machine is only figuratively a computer.
Wait, so the literal meaning is always the one that came first?
Of course. A figurative meaning is what happens when you use a word that already exists for something new, because that thing somehow resembles the thing the word was originally for.
That said, there are some figurative meanings that are so old that we think of them as literal. Like "battery" for a group of electric power cells, from "battery" for a group of weapons, from "battery" meaning "beating." Once a metaphor is widespread enough, people forget it's a metaphor.
Some sad day, all the figurative words we use now will be considered literal, as soon as most people have forgotten where they came from.
If the Singularity happens and you get to live forever, you're gonna be correcting the crap out of everyone for millennia.
Comic #864
December 24 2010
MOUSEOVER TEXT: vowels are odd
Aww, can't you just feel the Christmas cheer.
TEXT OF COMIC:
Merry Christmas, Norma.
Ooh! What is it?
It's a...
Hey, you're not supposed to tell me. I meant that as a rhetorical question, or whatever you call it.
Oh. Well, good thing you caught me in time.
No I didn't. You said "It's a..." so now I know it begins with a consonant. You've ruined the surprise for me.
Geez, that narrows it to, like, eighty percent of nouns. Actually, it doesn't, because I could have been about to describe it with an adjective beginning with a consonant.
Still, you narrowed it to all things that either begin with consonants or can be accurately described with adjectives beginning with consonants.
I was about to say "It's a present." There, does that make you happy?
Comic #865
December 27 2010
MOUSEOVER TEXT: Sometimes I want to stab Abby with Occam's Razor.
Not circles, really-- just very long lines. In order to decide whether your assumption is truly the simplest explanation for the facts, you must examine other assumptions you have and deduce whether they are the simplest explanations for what they explain, and so on. Eventually you'll be trying to articulate why you believe in the most basic facts, assumptions so self-evident that we don't even have words for explaining why we believe them to be true. And that's when you realize that a very long line of reasoning is just as pointless as a circle.
TEXT OF COMIC:
Last night I saw this collection of little white and red lights moving across the sky. Do you suppose it was a UFO?
Well, yeah-- it was unidentified and flying. But it was probably an airplane.
Why do you think that's the most likely thing for it to be?
Well, the most likely explanation is usually the one that requires the fewest assumptions. Airplanes fly over all the time.
But for it to be an alien ship would require you to assume that aliens exist, that they know about our planet, that they have spaceships capable of taking them here, that they have traveled here already, and that they were flying one of their ships over our city last night.
Well, assuming it was an airplane requires me to assume that airplanes exist, that they are on this planet, that they are capable of flying, and that one flew over our city last night.
Most of which are things we already know.
No we don't. We don't know anything. The existence of airplanes could be an elaborate hoax, perpetuated through the use of propaganda, illusions and virtual reality, by a secret government organization trying to hide the existence of aliens.
Well, that's not very likely. It requires a lot of assumptions.
Now you're reasoning in circles.
Comic #866
December 28 2010
MOUSEOVER TEXT: AND if fleas cared about going to college
If the planet were smaller, gravity would theoretically be lower, and jumps could be longer... which might improve Flea-Norma's ability to get back to campus, but might also cause her to overshoot and end up a couple flea-miles past her destination.
TEXT OF COMIC:
Wow, this has been a long walk. I'm tired.
Not too much longer now. I can see our dorm building.
Fleas can jump a hundred times their length. If I were a flea...
Fleas are also TINY. If you were a flea, getting back to campus would take longer than your whole lifespan.
I mean, if I turned into a flea and the whole world shrank in proportion to my size.
If the world were smaller, the pull of gravity would be different, and that would change the amount you could jump.
If I were a flea and the world shrank in proportion to my size AND the laws of gravity changed to match.
This scenario is rapidly becoming too far-fetched to be worth imagining.
Comic #867
December 29 2010
MOUSEOVER TEXT: at least you own the parts that stayed in your body as fat buildup
If I legally own everything I've ever eaten, I have property throughout the nation's sewer systems. I'm like a friggin' Ninja Turtle.
TEXT OF COMIC:
Why can't you have your cake and eat it too?
Huh?
You're the language geek. What's the reasoning behind that saying? How can you have a cake without eating it?
I think it refers to the dilemma you experience when you have a pretty, decorated cake, and you wish you could keep it instead of eating it, but you know you can't do both.
But even then, you're still having your cake and eating it too. You're having it before you eat it, but you're still doing both.
Hmm. And the cake is arguably still your possession once it's inside you.
I wonder if it's still legally yours once it's gone through your digestive system.
Comic #868
December 30 2010
MOUSEOVER TEXT: Anagram for Amsterdam: Mad Master.
It takes a creative person like Abby to make a beaver dam pun that doesn't involve either sexual innuendo or religious blasphemy.
TEXT OF COMIC:
Ooh, what's that bunch of sticks out there in the lake?
It's a--
It's too small to be a beaver dam. You know what that means?
It must be an 'amster dam!
Only you could make a pun out of a friggin' muskrat lodge.
Comic #869
December 31 2010
MOUSEOVER TEXT: Magic the Gathering may be a useless game, but IT DOESN'T KILL ANYONE.
I think it's funny that moving hair from one part of your head to another is called a hair transplant, but weaving someone else's severed hair into your own is just called hair extensions.
TEXT OF COMIC:
Hmm, another football player needs a knee transplant.
That makes me so mad. They're wasting money, medical resources and their health on playing a useless game that destroys their bodies. Nobody under seventy years old should have to have parts of their skeleton replaced.
You know what it would be called if someone under 18 had to have a knee transplant? A kid knee transplant!
Ow. If you keep pulling my chair out from under me like that, I'm probably going to need one.
Keep up the puns and it'll be your fault.