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Abby and Norma
from 2012
Comic #1131
January 1 2012
MOUSEOVER TEXT: echoes of the invisible intangible dog?
The emperor in the story seriously thought that buying fabric that only wise people could see-- and telling his whole kingdom about it--was a good way to find out who was smart and who was dumb. Which is pretty good evidence that... well, even if the fabric had worked as advertised, that emperor probably wouldn't have been able to see it.
TEXT OF COMIC:
I need a few new t-shirts.
I can sell you some! I made them myself.
They're made out of a special fabric that's invisible to stupid people.
Um, Abby, there are plenty of stupid people on this campus, and, by and large, they're the people I'm least interested in exposing my nakedness to. I'm gonna have to say no thank you.
These scams work so much better in fairy tales than in real life.
That's because fairy tales are stupid.
Comic #1132
January 7 2012
MOUSEOVER TEXT: Gallstones? Kidney stones? Turned into stone? We've got you covered!
According to Wikipedia, the snake-wrapped-around-a-rod symbol can be either a caduceus (two snakes with wings on top, associated in mythology with heralds, and thus with commerce and negotiation) or a rod of Asclepius (one snake and no wings, associated with medicine). They are often confused with each other.
TEXT OF COMIC:
(drawing of a head with snakes coming out of it, two of them coiled around a pole, and the words "Med USA")
No, you do NOT have a future as a graphic designer for health insurance companies.
Aww.
Comic #1133
January 8 2012
MOUSEOVER TEXT: are they cast-iron casters? or ferrous wheels?
I saw a bottle of castor oil at Target the other day. I didn't know it still existed, I thought it was just a prop in Victorian stories. Apparently it's a type of laxative.
TEXT OF COMIC:
My computer chair is broken or something.
The casters on the bottom won't roll anymore. I don't know if they're gunked up, or what. But I can't even move the thing.
Aww, your poor chair is so sick it can't go anyplace.
Yeah, pretty much.
Better tuck it into bed and give it a spoonful of caster oil!
Shut up.
Comic #1134
January 14 2012
MOUSEOVER TEXT: leptidoptera and orthoptera are probably as different as humans and wolves
Carolina locusts live all over the United States. I've read that the southern ones make a crackling noise as they fly, but the ones here in the Midwest fly silently like butterflies.
TEXT OF COMIC:
I almost wish it were summer. I really miss the plants and bugs and stuff.
You miss bugs?
Yeah. Especially Carolina locusts.
Carolina locusts. That's very specific.
I like them! When I was a kid, I thought they had magical powers.
You did?
Yeah. I mean, I would see this little black butterfly fluttering over the grass, and run after it, hoping I could get a good look at it when it landed.
But when it landed, it would just vanish, and all I could see was a grayish-brown grasshopper. I spent a lot of my childhood full of wonder and amazement at how these things could magically transform from a grasshopper to a butterfly and back again.
I guess the insect form of lycanthropy?
Leptorthoptery. Ha, I like it.
Comic #1135
January 15 2012
MOUSEOVER TEXT: Asteroids can kill you no matter how strong you are. Look at dinosaurs.
I am very worried about the fact that people are putting so little effort into building self-sufficient airtight underground shelters. They would be useful in so many different disaster scenarios: nuclear war, destruction of the atmosphere by pollution, crazy weather from global warming, and possibly even something hitting the earth and setting off all the volcanoes.
TEXT OF COMIC:
"A-" is often used as a negative prefix, as in "moral" and "amoral."
And what doesn't kill you makes you stronger.
Therefore, if steroids make you stronger, then asteroids can kill you.
Don't you have something more important to use your brain for?
Comic #1136
January 21 2012
MOUSEOVER TEXT: Wikipedia tends to use the transsexual's desired pronoun, which I like because it fits with my opinion, but it's still not neutral.
I've often thought about how much more complicated language would get if we had pronouns to indicate traits other than gender. Age? Race? Mental diagnosis? You'd have to know several details about people just to mention them in conversation. And the combinations and permutations of the various descriptors might result in hundreds of pronouns.
Plus, race and mental condition are spectrums; it's hard to define just where someone falls, when the line between one side and the other is so fuzzy. But then, the same goes for gender, and we somehow think we can have pronouns for that.
TEXT OF COMIC:
I was reading a Wikipedia page about a famous transsexual.
Hmm.
A male-to-female transsexual. She wanted to be considered female, but people who objected to her lifestyle insisted she was really still male.
Well, that's a controversial topic.
And it's harder for Wikipedia to stay neutral on that than on most controversial topics.
Huh? Why would this one be especially hard?
Well, even the pronouns you use will reflect a bias.
The only way the article could remain completely neutral would be to avoid using pronouns altogether, and just use her name in every instance.
Abby is so wrapped up in Abby's weird obsession with literalism that there should be a special pronoun just for talking about people as weird as Abby.
Comic #1137
January 22 2012
MOUSEOVER TEXT: now the word 'squeezed' is looking even weirder to me than it did before
Maybe it's squeezed purely, without any original sin in the process? Immaculate constriction?
(The original sin was eating forbidden fruit, so as long as the juice doesn't contain any of that, it's fine.)
TEXT OF COMIC:
This orange juice says "Pure Squeezed" on the carton. I wonder what that means.
It means it's pure orange juice, squeezed out of an orange.
But all orange juice is squeezed out of an orange. Even if it's from concentrate, the juice got squeezed at some point before it was made into a concentrate.
The "squeezed" part means nothing. It's completely unnecessary. It was already implied as soon as they labeled the product as orange juice.
They only use the word because people associate it with the phrase "fresh squeezed," which they can't use because it's not fresh squeezed if it's in a carton. The only purpose of using that word is to delude people into reacting to this product as if it were something it's not.
See, you didn't have to ask me why they label it like that. You already knew why.
I had a forlorn hope it might not be true.
Comic #1138
January 28 2012
MOUSEOVER TEXT: closing time. you don't have to go home but you can't stay here.
Abby knows DeForest Kelley's birthday without even having to look it up.
TEXT OF COMIC:
What does it mean when a restaurant lists "close" as the closing time?
Huh?
I saw a restaurant downtown, and its hours were listed as "noon until close."
That's as if DeForest Kelley's lifespan were listed on Wikipedia as "January 20, 1920 until he died." Or if a history book said that World War II lasted "from September 1st, 1939 until it ended." It's a total lack of information!
Maybe the restaurant doesn't close at the same time every night. Maybe it depends on how much business they have in the evening.
Then they should say that!
Well, why would they have to? What other meaning could it have?
It could mean "noon until a time CLOSE to noon."
Comic #1139
January 29 2012
MOUSEOVER TEXT: Also oil paints. And vacuum-tube guitar amps. Things that play to people's aesthetic sense will continue being used even when better alternatives exist.
I hate shoelaces. They come untied, and get frayed, and catch on things. Someday they're going to kill me at work, by snagging on the bottom of a pallet jack and making me fall on my head. Velcro sucks because it wears out too fast, but zippers on shoes would be a useful idea.
TEXT OF COMIC:
Have you ever thought about how strange it is that glasses come in so many different fashionable styles?
You don't see that in any other device that compensates for a physical disability. You never see stylish prosthetic limbs or hearing aids.
There are stylish canes, though.
Okay, you're right. Glasses and canes. Why those two?
Because they were invented so long ago. Fashion is slow to adapt to the use of new technology.
Yeah, that's true. I can't think of any other reason why people would still use friggin' shoelaces.
Not everybody has as much trouble tying their shoes as you.
Comic #1140
February 4 2012
MOUSEOVER TEXT: Dinner conversation is a horrible idea. Your mouth can only do one thing at a time. Going on a walk together is the only social activity that is really good for conversation.
That paragraph used to be on Wikipedia, but it has been removed. I don't know, maybe there wasn't a credible source listed for it? It's still on some sites that have quoted from Wikipedia, though.
TEXT OF COMIC:
I love the internet. You can find out anything.
Hah. Can you find out the meaning of life? Can you find out why people think dinner conversation is a good idea? Can you find out why Judy Blume left out the comma in "Are you there God? It's me, Margaret"?
Well, let's see.
Here we are. "Blume's preferred punctuation of the title is 'Are You There God? It's Me, Margaret' with no comma between 'there' and 'God.' While this is incorrect in following the commonly accepted rules of written English, Blume intended this so there was no separation in the story between Margaret and God."
That makes no sense, you know. The comma that should be added to that sentence wouldn't even be between "God" and "Margaret." And they already have two words, another comma, and a friggin' question mark between them.
Well, looks as if the internet helped us find out that Judy Blume used a bogus explanation to cover up her character's linguistic incompetency.
I guess the internet is good for something.
Comic #1141
February 5 2012
MOUSEOVER TEXT: ha ha
But they don't pop out as reliably. Kleenex is the default brand name for a reason.
TEXT OF COMIC:
What's wrong, Hans?
I bought a used X-Box on eBay, and the previous owner hadn't even cleaned the dust and cobwebs and crud out of it before putting it up for sale. It's the filthiest piece of electronic equipment I've ever seen.
I'm going to spend so much time and money getting it cleaned, it's not even worth the money I saved buying it on eBay. What do I have to spend to get a clean X-Box?
About three dollars at the drugstore.
I SHOULD HAVE KNOWN YOU WERE GOING TO SAY THAT!
The store brand tissues are cheaper, though.
Comic #1142
February 11 2012
MOUSEOVER TEXT: you can't spell our name without RNA
To come up with the punny names Abby makes up, I had to spend a lot of time on a webpage devoted to listing all the words that begin with a given letter or series of letters. Not surprisingly, that webpage is intended as a Scrabble resource. To use it, just type in https://www.scrabblefinder.com/starts-with/something/ and replace "something" with whatever letters you like.
I think we should start a Scrabble club. We'd make an amazing team.
We should call ourselves the Orthograndmasters, or the Vocabulanoes, or the Triple Word Sorcerors.
We would crush our competition into crumbs with our crossword crossfire.
You saying we should compete in official tournaments?
Of course! We will be an integral part of every future Scrabble tournament. You won't be able to spell "tournament" without our name.
Actually, "tournament" can be spelled without any of those names you suggested.
I mean you can't spell the word "tournament" without the words "our name," stuck in between the letters in "TNT."
I'll remember that, in case I need to use it in Scrabble.
Ooh, or we could call ourselves "Tri-nitro-tournament."
Comic #1143
February 12 2012
MOUSEOVER TEXT: really, though, you can still make muffins if bugs get into the flour; they're just higher-protein muffins
Thank you, spider in my cabinet this morning, for inspiring this comic. Enjoy the grain bugs you caught, and congratulations on your bundle of joy.
Really, I'm not an insane nature freak, I'm just cheap. Pesticides cost money, and that spider and its kids are willing to do it for free.
TEXT OF COMIC:
Ewwww.
What?
There's a spider web in your food cabinet. With a spider. And its egg sac.
LEAVE IT ALONE.
Abby--
Do you see all the bugs caught in the spider web? They're grain-eating bugs. They didn't get into the flour, because that spider stopped them in time. You can thank that spider for the fact that we have muffins to eat.
Great, now I don't feel like eating them.
People say they're in favor of natural pest control alternatives, but they never seem to like seeing them in action.
Comic #1144
February 18 2012
MOUSEOVER TEXT: and she can't give her computer back to herself because she already has it
This is Erika in the year 2011, and I'm writing this comic for all of you great people in the year 2012.
TEXT OF COMIC:
Hello?
Hi, this is Abby in the year 2012. I want my computer back.
What are you doing?
I just made a recording that I'm going to save on my hard drive.
Years from now, when this computer is totally obsolete, some behind-the-times person might still be using it. He might be completely unwilling to heed his friends' advice to get a newer one. Then they can grab it from him, play this recording, and say, "Dude, 2012 called, and they want their computer back."
And it'll be TRUE.
Thanks for letting me know, because that person will probably be you.
Comic #1145
February 19 2012
MOUSEOVER TEXT: Achilles and Oedipus both had foot problems caused by their parents
The Wikipedia page on Achilles is interesting. He is featured in the Iliad, but the part about him being invulnerable except for his heel was added centuries later, and directly contradicts parts of the Iliad. Also, there's an alternate version where his mother tried to make him immortal by covering him in ambrosia and burning him.
I guess the ancient Greeks were less strict about the particulars of their religion than anyone in the present day.
TEXT OF COMIC:
The story of Achilles is STUPID.
When he's born, his mother wants him to be immortal, so she dips him in the river Styx. But she holds him by his heel, so his heel isn't immortal. And then someone kills his whole, immortal body by damaging his mortal heel! It doesn't make sense!
I'm writing my own alternate history. In MY version, Achilles gets hit in the heel, and he stumbles and is captured... but no matter how much they try, they can't kill any part of him besides his heel.
He lives in captivity until the regime that captured him crumbles and falls, and then he walks out of the ruins and wanders the world forever. He's probably still around. Next time you see a crazy homeless guy walking with a limp...
I'm writing a better version. In MY version, his mother avoids the whole stupid problem by dipping ALL of him into the river, even though that means dipping her hand in too.
Her hand outlives her, and after the rest of her body dies, it wanders the world forever. Centuries later it gets a job acting in "The Addams Family."
Wow. That-- that DOES make more sense than mine.
I like how neither one of us is complaining about the unlikeliness of this magic river existing in the first place.
Comic #1146
February 25 2012
MOUSEOVER TEXT: or maybe for the hell of it
I'm trying to make Abby's religious conversations less one-sided. Abby has her flaws too. Chrissy may be more religious than I like, but Abby is way more obnoxious than anyone likes. Just because you have a good argument, that doesn't justify shoving it in everyone's face.
TEXT OF COMIC:
Hey, Chrissy! Do you know if I take the Bible REALLY literally, I'm not allowed to have sex with a man?
Would you please stop making fun of my faith?
Because it says "You shall not lie with a man as one does with a woman." It says "you," without specifying gender. God wants me to be a lesbian.
I'm sure there are better uses for your time than trying to dissect every technicality of wording in a Scripture that you don't even believe.
And when two guys are in bed together, only the one on top is sinning.
Now you're just trying to gross me out.
Or maybe neither of them is sinning, because it's not technically possible to lie with a man EXACTLY as with a woman.
SHUT UP!
Hey, hey, you're supposed to be forgiving!
You can only be forgiven if you repent.
Well, if there IS a hell, I'm sure I'll repent after I die.
But that's too late. That's like expecting to be forgiven for breaking a law because you feel sorry after you get arrested.
Except that religion isn't like a legal system.
Religion is like living in a country with a hundred competing legal systems, each one trying to get you to follow its laws, and there's no way to find out which laws you can actually get punished for breaking.
And you're like a criminal who breaks them all just for the heck of it.
Comic #1147
February 26 2012
MOUSEOVER TEXT: used, used, used... the one that gets used
Abby uses all her friends, and enemies, that way.
TEXT OF COMIC:
Gah, Cathy invited me to a party at her dorm. Can you believe it?
Yikes. All I can say is, if Cathy is acting like a friend, she's undoubtedly trying to find a way to use you.
How do you define "using" somebody, anyway?
Doing stuff with them only because it has some benefit for you.
But that's every friendship.
I mean, I wouldn't be friends with someone if it had no benefit for me. If a friend never provides help or support or even fun, that's not a worthwhile friend.
But you are supposed to help your friends in return.
Yes, but when you help a friend, it's because you get something out of it-- even if it's just the satisfaction that comes from helping someone.
That's not true. I get satisfaction from helping people, but that's not the REASON I do it.
Sure it is. If you didn't get satisfaction from it, would you do it?
Probably.
Why?
Because it's the right thing to do, and I feel an obligation.
What happens if you don't fulfill your obligation?
I feel worse and worse.
Exactly.
You help people in order to stop feeling worse and worse. Your friends may be mooching off you all day, but YOU are using them to alleviate your own moral discomfort.
And you are using me as a logical punching bag.
That's the best part of being friends with you.
Comic #1148
March 3 2012
MOUSEOVER TEXT: and by de-lighted I mean you have removed all the light from my life
A search for "Seinfeld Australia" brings up a lot of references to Seinfeld being shown on Australian TV, and one video clip of Kramer saying that crazy people should be sent to Australia.
TEXT OF COMIC:
Hey, you remember that episode of "Seinfeld" where Jerry went to Australia?
No, I don't. I think you're making this up.
What do you mean? He got in trouble betting on a kangaroo race, and then he accidentally lost the didgeridoo.
What didgeridoo?
I told you, he got in trouble betting on a--
No, I asked-- oh, holy crap, was this all a setup for a pun on "didgeridoo" and "did Jerry do?"
Yup.
Well, that pun has a very limited audience, because most people would not ask "what didgeridoo"; they would ask "what IS a didgeridoo?"
Aren't you happy that I tailor-make puns just for you?
Delighted.
Comic #1149
March 4 2012
MOUSEOVER TEXT: bumpy for her pleasure
As pro-forma as Norma...
TEXT OF COMIC:
We need more rhyming similes.
Rhyming similes?
Yes. But we need ones that make SENSE. "Drunk as a skunk" makes no sense. "Snug as a bug in a rug" only KIND of makes sense.
"Dumb as a bum?"
Thought of it already, but it's not always true. Same with "green as a bean."
"Crabby as Abby?"
Ooh, I -- I wish you had a name I could use in a retort to that.
"Narrow as an arrow?"
"Heavy as a Chevy?"
"Phallic as a dalek?"
Smart aleck.
Comic #1150
March 10 2012
MOUSEOVER TEXT: Yes, Harry Potter fans DO have parseltongue translation sites up online.
Obviously there are different dialects. A rattlesnake says "I'm angry" somewhat differently from a cobra. But in both cases you need to get away fast.
TEXT OF COMIC:
So what did you do this week, Abby?
I learned parseltongue.
Seriously? Does some crazy Harry Potter fan actually have some lexicon of "the language of snakes" up online?
No, I mean I learned the ACTUAL language of snakes.
Turns out hissing is only a small part of it. It's mostly body language.
You learned the language of snakes in one week.
Well, turns out snakes don't have much to say. Once you learn "I'm angry" and "I want to mate," you're pretty much done.
I'm so happy that you now know how to proposition a snake.
You never know what might come in handy someday.
Comic #1151
March 11 2012
MOUSEOVER TEXT: love muffins
See a penny, pick it up, and all the day you'll have good luck. (I prefer the "see a pin and pick it up" version, because that one actually makes some sense-- a pin on the ground could poke someone in the foot, so of course leaving it there is unlucky.)
TEXT OF COMIC:
Ooh, a penny.
Pennies are worthless, Abby.
A penny you pick up from the ground is worth less than the medical cost of the damage you do to your back in bending over to pick it up. There was an actual study showing that.
That study makes no sense. If I bend at the knees and lift with my legs, it isn't any worse for me than doing squats.
Besides, even if picking up pennies were bad for my back, I do not have to pay medical fees for every penny I pick up. There's a threshold at which I will have actually picked up enough pennies that I have to go to the hospital with back problems-- and that threshold is so freakin' high that I will never, ever be able to pick up enough pennies to reach it.
So the pennies I do pick up are worth exactly what they are worth. If I pick up a dollar's worth of pennies this year, that's one more muffin I can buy at the bakery.
The things we do for muffins.
Comic #1152
March 17 2012
MOUSEOVER TEXT: I'm writing this on Feb 1. If the Dow actually HAS gone down 100 points this week, I'm going to start playing the stock market.
Yes, Tao and Dow are homophones.
TEXT OF COMIC:
The Dow has gone down a hundred points this week.
What is the Dow, anyway?
I could explain it, but you probably wouldn't understand it.
Hey, I know economics can be complicated, but I'm not dumb. Why do you think I wouldn't?
Because the Dow that can be explained is not the true Dow.
Ooh, look. The Abby has gone down approximately three feet this week.
Ouch.
Comic #1153
March 18 2012
MOUSEOVER TEXT: Totally autobiographical comic.
In case you care, no, I'm not planning any Dada suicides. I may be insane, but I at least want people to think I'm sane when deciding whether my will is valid.
And now I'm getting paranoid that I'm going to die in some freaky accident that looks like a suicide. I have the most bizarre fears.
TEXT OF COMIC:
I'm so frustrated.
If I had billions of dollars, I know exactly what charities I'd support and what projects I'd start, in order to do the most good possible. I might even be able to save the human species from destroying itself.
But the only way I could get that much money would be if my art and writing suddenly became ridiculously popular. And that's not going to happen. I'm competing against the whole population of the internet.
Well, a lot of great artists don't become famous until after they die. You could make a will stating exactly how you want to donate any proceeds from your art in the thirty years after your death.
It's still a long shot. Even after they die, most artists are forgotten.
Maybe I just have to have a really memorable death.
Abby...
Think of it. I'm sure the world would notice me if, like, they found me on Easter morning stuck headfirst in the smokestack of a paper factory, wearing nothing but plaid lingerie, and dead from an overdose of peppermint oil.
But then I'm sure that would raise the question of whether you were in sound mind when you wrote the will.
Argh, I can't win.
Comic #1154
March 24 2012
MOUSEOVER TEXT: misery is funny
A few sitcoms have actually managed this. I like "Malcolm in the Middle" for this very reason: there is no dualism; every character is absolutely insane, and yet every character is also sympathetic and likable. In contrast, "Everybody Loves Raymond" and "The King of Queens" always leave me depressed at the thought of a wife staying with a husband who is so dishonest, self-absorbed, and devoid of any behaviors that suggest he actually loves her.
So does "The Simpsons," for that matter, although it's mitigated by the animated medium, which makes it seem less real.
TEXT OF COMIC:
Why do sitcoms always show a reasonable, long-suffering wife, and a horrible husband who does ridiculously stupid things and then lies about them?
Well, good role models aren't very funny, so someone has to be a buffoon. And if it were the wife, it would be seen as sexist.
I don't know. I'm sensitive to sexism, and I don't think the current situation is any better.
If I watch a show about a guy who consistently makes things miserable for his wife through his self-centered stupidity, and yet always gets forgiven, it seems as if the show is just making fun of women who are trapped in bad marriages by their own fear of conflict.
Well, maybe sitcoms should show both partners doing stupid funny things, and yet both of them also having enough redeeming qualities that they seem worth forgiving.
But they won't, because that would require actual work.
Comic #1155
March 25 2012
MOUSEOVER TEXT: Freud, with its German meaning, is the best-ever name for a member of a profession devoted to making people happier.
Granted, I'm going by my vague memories of reading Freud's Interpretation of Dreams a long time ago. His thoughts were probably more complex than this.
TEXT OF COMIC:
Freud said dreams are wish-fulfilments. He said if you dream of something, it means that on some level you want it, or have wanted it at some point.
But he also said that nightmares were an exception.
But a nightmare, by definition, is a bad dream-- that is, a dream in which things happen that you wouldn't want.
So all he was really saying was that dreams are wish-fulfilments except when they aren't.
Hey, tautologies are always scientifically accurate.
Comic #1156
March 31 2012
MOUSEOVER TEXT: wow, my spellcheck dictionary actually HAS 'deicide'... makes me so angry about the words it doesn't have
Of course, there are multiple problems with Abby's reasoning. Making a decision doesn't really imply you have free will-- you could be programmed to make that decision. And religion has come up with a lot of answers to that particular free will argument. And going by all I know about prefixes and suffixes, God-killing would be called "deicide" and not "decide." But Abby will break any rule for a pun.
TEXT OF COMIC:
Rrgh, Abby, this is driving me crazy. We've been sitting here for hours talking about stuff we MIGHT do this weekend. Can't you make a decision?
No. God will punish me if I do that. Making decisions is blasphemous.
Blasphemous?
When you make a decision, that suggests you have free will. And if you have free will, then God can't exist. An omniscient God must know the future, and if the future is knowable, then your will isn't truly free.
Do you have to turn everything into a tirade against religion? This is a bit of a stretch even for you.
In fact, making decisions could be seen as killing God. That is why the word "decide" comes from "de"-- meaning God-- and "cide"-- meaning murder.
Oh, never mind. It was just a setup for a word joke.
Comic #1157
April 1 2012
MOUSEOVER TEXT: april eels
I think she got Hans to write the program.
TEXT OF COMIC:
Abby, you've been reading webcomics for the last two hours. You'd better get up before you get sucked into the internet and never come out.
I'm sorry, you're speaking a language I don't understand. Please direct all communications to my instant messaging account, where I have installed a plugin that translates your messages into my language.
I... Okay. I have got to see this.
All right, now I'm typing "Get off the internet and eat lunch."
I will not buy this record, it is scratched.
Suit yourself.
Where on God's green earth did you find a translation program that's based on the Hungarian phrasebook from Monty Python?
My hovercraft is full of eels.
Ooh. Sounds problematic.
Get these ^^*+#@?#\/!&^ eels off my ^^*+#@?#\/!&^ hovercraft!
You have beautiful thighs.
Aw, thanks.
Comic #1158
April 7 2012
MOUSEOVER TEXT: yet more consequences of ACTUALLY taking the Bible literally
My comics, like a hedgehog, also have many points.
TEXT OF COMIC:
The Bible says a lot about how to treat your neighbor. Don't covet your neighbor's property. Love your neighbor as yourself. And people seem to assume that "your neighbor" is just another way of saying "everyone."
But when the disciples asked Jesus to define "neighbor," he didn't say that. Instead, he told the story of the Good Samaritan-- and the point of that story was that the Samaritan was a neighbor to the man he helped.
Of course, that story had a lot of points. One of them was that people can be good even if they're members of a very stigmatized minority-- which Samaritans were at the time.
Another is that sometimes you have to break rules to do the right thing. The story describes the victim as "half dead" when the Samaritan found him, and I think it says in the Book of Leviticus that you're not supposed to touch a half-dead person.
Of course, when my religion professor explained that to me, I questioned the definition of "half dead," and I asked if it was okay to touch someone who was forty-nine percent dead. I think he just looked at me, the way professors look at me sometimes.
I think you've gotten off track.
Yes. My point was, if the definition of a neighbor is someone who acts like the Good Samaritan, then you only have to follow biblical laws in relation to people who act like the Good Samaritan.
If the guy next door is a jerk who would never help an injured person on the street, then you don't have to love him as yourself, because by Jesus' definition, he's not a neighbor.
Your point loses a bit of its power when you get there in such a roundabout way.
My stories, like the story of the Good Samaritan, always have many points.
Comic #1159
April 8 2012
MOUSEOVER TEXT: My refrigerator magically changes soda into pop
Stargate also has a lot of scene changes like that. They drive me nuts.
TEXT OF COMIC:
I finally got around to watching "The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo."
The American movie version?
Yeah.
It's pretty intense stuff. What did you think of it?
I dunno. Lots of weird scene changes.
Scene changes?
Yeah, the kind where a door closes, and then a door opens, and it takes you a few seconds to figure out it's a different door in a different scene.
There's this one scene where dragon-tattoo-girl puts ramen in her microwave and closes the door, and then the next thing you know she's opening the door and there's Coca-Cola inside.
I didn't realize the second part was showing a shelf in her refrigerator, Norma. I spent half the movie thinking it was Lisbeth Salander's Magic Microwave that Turns Ramen Into Coca-Cola.
Seriously, I was wondering why she was so hard up for money, when Coke is about twice as expensive as ramen. I kept expecting her to figure out that she could double her investment, buying ramen and selling Coke, with a magic microwave like that. But she never did.
Of ALL the things about that movie you could have gotten fixated on...
...this is probably the best. Leave it alone.
Comic #1160
April 14 2012
MOUSEOVER TEXT: deserve is the opposite of serve
Although technically, "there is a number you can call to get the settlement you may deserve" doesn't guarantee a settlement, it just states that getting a settlement will be your goal when you call. In which case it could be true of any number, if you call it with settlements in mind.
TEXT OF COMIC:
If you're in an accident, there is a number you can call to get the settlement you may deserve.
"May deserve"?
This commercial used to say they would get you "the settlement you deserve." Now they've changed it to say "the settlement you MAY deserve."
They got afraid of being accused of false advertising. They don't want to promise you that you'll get a settlement, because they can't guarantee the court will rule that you deserve one, legally speaking.
But they still ARE promising you a settlement! They're just not promising that you'll DESERVE the settlement you get.
They are saying that you can call them and get a settlement even if you don't deserve it. THAT'S WHAT THEY'RE SAYING.
"We'll get you the settlement you deserve" would be logical and accurate, even if the settlement you deserve is ZERO DOLLARS. Or NEGATIVE DOLLARS.
Is it your goal to become a logic consultant for marketing firms? 'Cause I can tell you right now, they're not hiring.
Comic #1161
April 15 2012
MOUSEOVER TEXT: Or if he was my boss.
Maybe people are like, "ooh, awesome, a bonfire! let's go roast marshmallows!"
TEXT OF COMIC:
Why do people tell you to yell "fire" if someone's attacking you?
Well, they say people are more likely to come running if they hear "fire!" than if they hear "help!"
Why would people come running if they hear "fire"? If I heard someone yell "fire," my reaction would be to run as far away from it as possible, in order to, you know, AVOID BEING WHERE THE FIRE IS.
But you're not normal people. It's a strategy designed to exploit the natural illogic of human beings.
Comic #1162
April 21 2012
MOUSEOVER TEXT: The Bong Strad's brother is the Song Strad
On her first try, Abby looked up the word "bong" and got "water pipe," and looked under her bathroom sink for inspiration, and Norma was even less capable of understanding the resulting picture.
TEXT OF COMIC:
The Stradivarius Hashish Pipe
Where the bleep did you get this?
I Spoonerized "Strong Bad" and got "Bong Strad" and drew a picture of it.
Are you sure YOU're not on drugs?
Actually, I think I forgot them this morning.
Comic #1163
April 22 2012
MOUSEOVER TEXT: the 's' that looks like an 'f' was pronounced in a way that can't be pronounced today due to the devolution of the human tongue
I'd love to go back in time and find that "love" was pronounced "snarf" and "move" was pronounced "blarf" and "Shakespeare" was pronounced "gumbleflaps" and I can't understand anyone unless they write down what they're saying.
TEXT OF COMIC:
How can we know how words were pronounced three hundred years ago?
Why do you care?
Why wouldn't I? There's nobody alive who remembers that time. There were no audio recordings back then. The phonetic alphabet wasn't invented until 1888. It's a tantalizing mystery!
There are theories. There are the linguistic writings of the Brothers Grimm. Didn't they study how sounds changed as languages developed?
Yeah, but they didn't have a really clear system of describing sounds, so when they write about how words are pronounced, we only get part of the story. We can't be ABSOLUTELY SURE that they're really talking about the sounds we think they are.
We can also make guesses based on rhymes, but that gets us practically nowhere. Shakespeare rhymed "move" with "love" sometimes, but does that mean that "love" used to be pronounced "loov"? Or that "move" was pronounced "muv"? Or that they were both pronounced some totally different way? Or that Shakespeare was just using poetic license?
I think we can make reasonably safe guesses about the answer to that. And the things we're not sure of, we'll just have to live with.
Of all the reasons to build a time machine, this is probably the one most likely to motivate me.
Comic #1164
April 28 2012
MOUSEOVER TEXT: yes, this is the actual reason why time travel is impossible
It's just that, from the perspective of a real person in the real world, changing the past seems "unnatural" and changing the future seems "natural." The fact that the visitor from the future is doing an "unnatural" thing doesn't matter, because that choice wasn't made by a person we're supposed to identify with.
TEXT OF COMIC:
The morality of time travel depends on your point of view.
Well, that might be one of the weirdest sentences I've ever heard you say.
Think about it. In time travel movies, if YOU'RE the one going back into the past, the moral of the story is always that you can't or shouldn't change anything-- that the present is destined to happen the way it does, and any changes you make will be bad.
But if someone ELSE is the one going back in time, and they come and warn you about something that's going to happen, then the moral is always that there is no destiny, that you can and should change the future-- or in other words, the person coming back from the future can and should change his past.
It's okay for a time traveler to change the past, but only if he's NOT the point-of-view character.
How do you know if you're the point-of-view character?
This is why these things don't work in real life.
Comic #1165
April 29 2012
MOUSEOVER TEXT: police box, phone booth, whatever
I think "Doctor Who" was the first work of science fiction to feature a time machine that resembled a phone booth. But interestingly, it was not the first to feature a time machine that looked bigger on the inside.
TEXT OF COMIC:
Hmm. Speaking of time travel, "Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure" is on.
Eww. That's the dumbest movie ever. And that phone booth is the Retardis.
Well, that's offensive.
No, I mean "re" as in "repetition"-- as in "they ripped off something that had already been done."
How do you know? Maybe "Doctor Who" ripped it off from them.
What? To do that, they would have had to be--
--time travelers. Oh, screw you, Norma.
Just saying.
Comic #1166
May 5 2012
MOUSEOVER TEXT: this is why Abby has so few good experiences with trying to meet people
Porn is a menace to society, because it is degrading to tentacle monsters.
TEXT OF COMIC:
Are we going to go out and do anything today, Abby? Ever?
You gripe about being lonely, but you'll never meet anyone if you just sit around inside all the time.
Seriously, you'll be an old lady, all alone with nothing to keep you company except your Star Trek fanfiction and tentacle rape manga.
What? I am NOT into tentacle rape!
I like my tentacle porn consensual and mutually respectful.
I swear there are NO normal conversations around here.
Comic #1167
May 6 2012
MOUSEOVER TEXT: except the ones who are perfect ladies
It may be just me, but I think 'imaginary friends with imaginary benefits' is one of the funniest lines ever.
TEXT OF COMIC:
Norma, just because one partner has tentacles, that doesn't automatically make a relationship violent or coercive. Most tentacle monsters are perfect gentlemen.
You don't know any tentacle monsters.
Norma, some of my best friends are tentacle monsters!
Really.
Well, some of my best... imaginary friends...
... with imaginary benefits...
...go away.
That was more than I wanted to hear.
Comic #1168
May 12 2012
MOUSEOVER TEXT: whenever I want to get laid, I just tell John 'Spock in Amok Time' and he knows EXACTLY what I mean
There's so much that doesn't make sense about "Darmok and Jalad"... I swear, anyone who tries to understand Star Trek's explorations of language will go insane.
And speaking of insane stuff... my husband John C Ricker has an art event coming up in Minneapolis from the 18th to the 20th! Take a look at his crazy awesome abstract art here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KBULIR0sVJo and here: https://jcrpda.tumblr.com/
Update: I've edited this comic to correct an error that resulted from a gap in my memory of Trek canon. Usually I make it a policy not to change the text of comics after they've been posted, but on this one the error bothered me so much, and I liked the comic so much apart from it, that I decided to make an exception.
TEXT OF COMIC:
Hi, Abby. How are you?
Spock's response to his mother's question at the end of The Voyage Home.
Huh? What's up with your communication skills today?
The aliens in "Darmok and Jalad."
You're... communicating only in obscure references to Star Trek.
Decker's answer to Kirk saying "You saved the ship" in The Motion Picture.
And WHY exactly are you doing this?
The 74th Rule of Acquisition.
"Knowledge equals profit?" Okay, what the heck are you trying to build your knowledge for?
Kirk's exclamation after being marooned on Regula I.
Oh, that's right. You're going to a con.
Comic #1169
May 13 2012
MOUSEOVER TEXT: Abby is what I wish I were. I really do suffer from flick-off deficiency.
I currently have a splint on my left middle finger, because I cut a chunk off the tip while making a cardboard box into a case to store art supplies.
I also have a tricked-out Doctor Who phone: police box skin on the outside, TARDIS interior screenshot as the wallpaper, even a TARDIS ringtone. My friends are soooo jealous. But just because it says "Police telephone, free for use of public," that does not mean anyone else actually gets to use it. It is MINE.
TEXT OF COMIC:
Why do you have a splint on your finger? What happened?
It's a cybernetic augmentation to improve my ability to flick people off.
Fine, don't tell me.
No, really. I suffer from a flick-off deficiency; a handicap in my capacity to tell people to go screw themselves. It's a disorder that leads me to be taken advantage of sometimes. I thought a mechanical implant might help compensate.
It's working like a charm, actually. The way it immobilizes my joints, I sometimes find myself flicking people off without even noticing.
I still don't believe you. Somehow I don't think you have ANY need for such an enhancement.
Okay, FINE. I sprained my finger trying to strangle Cathy for making fun of my Doctor Who cellphone case.
That sounds more like you.
Comic #1170
May 19 2012
MOUSEOVER TEXT: I want a robot to put dishes in the dishwasher too!
I could have drawn her human side and her alien side sitting on her shoulders like a little angel and devil. But I'm part human, so I'm naturally too lazy to do something like that.
TEXT OF COMIC:
Wow, what a beautiful day. I could stay out here forever.
Doing your dishes would be more useful.
Aw man, I wish I had a robot to do dishes.
You HAVE a robot to do dishes. It's called a dishwasher.
I want a robot to put the dishes in the dishwasher.
Geez. Your species is so lazy, I bet the only reason you came down from the trees was because climbing required you to use your muscles.
Why do I always get depressed after my human side and my alien side argue with each other?
Maybe you're starting to identify too much with the human side.
Comic #1171
May 20 2012
MOUSEOVER TEXT: Said the cookie.
Though, personally, I think any mention of bedbugs is automatically obscene, because, eesh, have you ever read about the sex lives of bedbugs?
TEXT OF COMIC:
"It's nice when your sweetheart makes you breakfast."
"Relax and spend your next weekend reading comic books."
What are you doing?
Writing fortune cookie fortunes. "Stay away from germs this flu season, or you might end up sick."
You're... trying to write ones that can have "in bed" added to them without becoming dirty?
Exactly. "Don't bring home mattresses you find on the side of the road, unless you want to have bedbugs."
You seriously think there will be a market for this?
My favorite is "Don't eat cookies."
Comic #1172
May 26 2012
MOUSEOVER TEXT: he whom I love NOW, doth grace for grace and love for love allow... oh wait, no he doesn't, he's still a fictional character. Dang. I always go for the unattainable ones.
Every time I go to a Sonic restaurant, I order orange soda mixed with Sprite, and no waiter has yet figured out what I call this drink.
Also, whenever I go to Culver's I eat fish and custard, but that's just because custard is their only dessert and fish is the only thing on their menu that a lacto-ovo-pesca-vegetarian can eat.
TEXT OF COMIC:
Holy Saint Francis, what a change is here! Is Spock so soon forsaken?
What do you mean, soon? I had the hots for Spock since I was about twelve. And I'm not forsaking Star Trek. I'm just developing a healthy appreciation for Doctor Who.
Healthy? You're writing in your diary with a pen shaped like a sonic drewscriver.
"Drewscriver"? Well, evidently your penchant for Spoonerism isn't so soon forsaken. You make it sound as if a sonic screwdriver is for... drawing, or scrivening, or something.
No, I'm saying your PEN is. And I've never seen you use a phaser-shaped pen.
Only because they don't make them.
Somehow I don't believe you. Abby, I'm afraid the Doctor has managed to kill your Spock-love.
Kill my Spock-love? Geez, I'm glad your sonic Spoonerizer left that phrase alone.
Comic #1173
May 27 2012
MOUSEOVER TEXT: immortal the tortal
I'm with Abby-- I can't tell where my anxiety ends and my depression begins. They're all tangled up in each other like a big ball of wibbly-wobbly, timey-wimey... arrgh will I EVER be able to keep Doctor Who references out of my writing again?
TEXT OF COMIC:
They say antidepressants don't really work. Do they say that about antianxiety meds?
No, I think people are pretty much in agreement that antianxiety meds work.
That's weird. My depression and my anxiety are so tangled up with each other that you can't really treat one without treating the other. For me, sad and afraid are almost the same thing-- a feeling that bad stuff is going to happen.
Going to happen? Sadness is always about the future for you?
Sure. I don't get sad about things that happened in the past, unless they have effects that extend into the future.
I mean, I'm sad that my pet turtle died when I was ten. But I'd stop being sad about him if someone magically resurrected him and made him immortal so he wouldn't have to be dead in the future.
The only real difference between sadness and fear is that fear acknowledges a possibility that bad stuff MIGHT not happen, and compels you to try and reach that outcome.
By that logic, a medication that treats anxiety without treating depression is basically just taking away your hope.
Comic #1174
June 2 2012
MOUSEOVER TEXT: my birthday was yesterday
I made a willpower purse for myself, thinking I was the only person who could ever use such a thing. But everyone I showed it to said it was a brilliant idea and I should mass-produce and sell them. So, I made a few more and put them up for sale on my jewelry page. We'll see what happens.
TEXT OF COMIC:
Remember when I was baking unsweetened cookies because I wanted a snack that I could eat if I was really hungry but wouldn't eat on impulse?
Yes, I vaguely remember that.
Well, I've come up with another solution-- one that works not only for snacks, but also for money that I might frivolously spend.
It's called a willpower purse. It has holes across the top, and a cord that can be laced through the holes about five times, so it takes a whole minute to open the purse. My impulses usually aren't strong enough to stand up to that kind of inconvenience.
It works great. I can hardly believe I came up with such an amazing invention.
When science and technology have created tools to conquer every part of the outside world, nothing is left to inventors but to build weapons for the fight against our own brains.
Comic #1175
June 3 2012
MOUSEOVER TEXT: My spellchecker recognizes Eva but not Adolf
I don't know if there's any reason to believe Hitler was gay or Jewish. I've heard the rumors that he was, but I have no idea how valid they are. Still, I know for sure that saying Hitler was short and dark-haired is an insult to short and dark-haired people.
TEXT OF COMIC:
The anniversary of D-Day is coming up.
I hate celebrating war-related anniversaries, because it feels like celebrating people dying... but it is nice we didn't lose World War II.
Yeah. Imagine if we were living in a world where we all had to be tall and blond and heterosexual and Christian, and we were being ruled by a guy who was short and dark-haired and maybe gay and maybe part Jewish. The contradiction would break my brain.
Hitler was NOT gay or Jewish. Saying he was gay and Jewish is an insult to gays and Jews.
No, it's just a statement about how repressing your true self leads to hatred and violence. A lot of gay-bashers are repressed gays.
Norma, this is Hitler we're talking about. He had a lot of issues beyond self-repression. And he was not gay!
How do you know? It's not like you spent a lot of time spying on his bedroom.
La la la I can't hear you! Adolf and Eva, not Adolf and Steva!
You're horrible.
Comic #1176
June 9 2012
MOUSEOVER TEXT: Abby still insists on her etymologically sound pluralization of Kleenex
I have thought about getting a bidet, but how do you get dry then? Are there ones that follow up the water with an air dryer?
TEXT OF COMIC:
Hand me a Kleenex, will you?
I don't carry Kleenices any more. I use a handkerchief now.
Eww, you reuse the thing you blow your nose in?
Sure. It's less wasteful. The washing machine cleans it perfectly well.
But before you wash it, you carry the germs around with you all day.
Nobody touches it except me. And it's medically impossible for me to catch a cold I've already gotten. There is no logical reason to use disposable tissues instead of handkerchiefs.
Unless you have some desire for social acceptance.
I'm trying to figure out a reusable substitute for toilet paper.
Comic #1177
June 10 2012
MOUSEOVER TEXT: but there are social interactions IN my webcomics
I just got a smartphone with 4G last month, and I'm already addicted to it. Curse and blast the batteries for running out so quickly.
TEXT OF COMIC:
My smartphone is out of battery power, but I have to leave for classes now.
I'm going to have to go out into the world without a portable internet connection. I feel as if I've lost some vital part of my body.
Isn't it weird how we can come to rely so much on things that are totally unnatural to our species?
Actually, I think having a smartphone is more natural than not having one.
In our hunter-gatherer days, humans were hardly ever alone. They hunted and gathered together, and the rest of the time they just sat around and socialized.
But in modern society, we force unnatural activities on ourselves-- like living in single-person apartments, or going to classes and workplaces where we have to spend long periods of time not having social conversations.
Having a constant internet connection is our psyches' attempt to return us to a natural level of social interaction.
That would make sense if you used your internet connection for anything except reading webcomics.
Comic #1178
June 16 2012
MOUSEOVER TEXT: I prefer the joke about how guacamole sounds like whack-a-mole
Apparently even TRADER JOE'S came up with it before I did.
TEXT OF COMIC:
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
AAAAAAAAAAAAA!
My God, Abby! What's wrong?
I'm NOT the first person to come up with the joke about a guaca-mole and Avocado's Number!
You're probably the first person to be that freaked out about it, though.
Comic #1179
June 17 2012
MOUSEOVER TEXT: Also works for testing grocery store eggs for fertility, and testing science fiction novels to see whether Cathy will like them.
Abby brings this with her when she goes out shopping for lottery tickets, making a show of testing every ticket before she commits to buying it, and then of course giving up, because she can't find one worth buying. By the end of her shopping trip, everyone in the gas station is staring at her and making weird faces. Abby hopes that she has opened their eyes to the illogic of buying lottery tickets, but of course she's deluding herself.
TEXT OF COMIC:
I've invented a machine that predicts whether a national lottery ticket is a winner.
It looks like a cardboard box.
See, you put the ticket inside the box, and then lift the flap and look at the readout.
That isn't a "readout." It's just the word NO written on the box in permanent marker.
IT'S 99.99999% ACCURATE!
Can't argue with that.
Comic #1180
June 23 2012
MOUSEOVER TEXT: ick! nerd cooties!
Breaking ground: the first same-sex kiss in Abby and Norma history.
Actually I think the first kiss ever. It's hard to draw kisses when your characters all face the same direction.
TEXT OF COMIC:
What are you doing tonight, Abby?
Making an anime music video.
Seriously? It's Saturday night! Do you still not have a boyfriend?
Nope, I have a life.
Eesh. When are you going to grow up? You're such a grade school kid.
It's okay. I don't mind.
Now have a good night, and give your boyfriend a kiss for me.
*kiss*
EWW! YUCK! ABBY GERMS!
Thanks for being so mature.
Comic #1181
June 24 2012
MOUSEOVER TEXT: another one kisses the dust
This is the sort of crazy thing that happens to most of Cathy's boyfriends.
TEXT OF COMIC:
I'm sorry, Ken. I just can't date you anymore.
Huh? Why?
Abby friggin' kissed me yesterday, and told me to give you a kiss for her. So if I ever kiss you again, it'll basically be Abby kissing you, and I can't handle that.
But at the same time, if I DON'T kiss you, I'll remain contaminated with the kiss from Abby, and I can't handle that either.
So the only solution is for me to leave you and go kiss someone I don't care one way or the other about.
You're right. We're not meant for each other.
Comic #1182
June 30 2012
MOUSEOVER TEXT: bound, bound, bound and rebound
Cathy refuses to admit to Abby that she had the power to give Cathy's relationship the kiss of death.
TEXT OF COMIC:
So you and your boyfriend broke up?
Yeah. It wasn't meant to be. It was a rebound relationship, anyway.
A what?
A rebound. A guy I dated after dating someone else.
That's a weird definition. By that logic, every relationship after your first one is a rebound relationship.
Well, that's why relationships never last very long. It's a fact of life.
I think you're misunderstanding how this works. I think it's only a rebound relationship if it happens within a few months after the last one.
But then in order to have a non-rebound relationship, I would have to go a few months without a boyfriend, which would make me a loser.
Ahh.
Comic #1183
July 1 2012
MOUSEOVER TEXT: What kind of candy does Ron even have? A Peep, maybe. But only one
But Ron can't write a limerick, not even one as crappy as Norma's. Can he? I dare anyone to come up with a limerick Ron could have written.
TEXT OF COMIC:
So you're really going to a convention next month.
Yup.
And you're not taking me with you.
Nope. Just Ron.
Why Ron and not me?
Because Ron has greater geek credentials than you. Plus, his name even rhymes with "con."
There once was a fellow named Ron,
Who decided to go to a con.
He left Norma behind
And then came back to find
That she'd eaten all his candy and TP'd his dorm while he was gone.
He's also better at wordplay.
Comic #1184
July 7 2012
MOUSEOVER TEXT: if you know two ladies named Phyllis, you can call them Phylles, pronounced like fillies, which will probably annoy them a lot
Technically, TARDIS is an acronym, so it probably doesn't follow the convention of pluralizing "is" endings to "es," as in "thesis" and "theses." Though, I've always wondered how aliens on another planet could have come up with an acronym of English words to name their time machines.
This has been brought to you by the Committee for Grammar Analysis of Doctor Who (perhaps I should say Doctor Whom, in that context?)
TEXT OF COMIC:
You're late again, Abby.
I admire your diligence in taking summer classes when you could go on vacation-- but you seem to sleep in later when it's summer. You've had three unauthorized tardies this semester already.
Really?
Wow, I didn't know I had even ONE unauthorized Tardis!
I must be some super renegade Time Lord, huh?
"Tardis" is not the singular of "tardies," and if you had any lordship over time, you'd probably manage it better.
Comic #1185
July 8 2012
MOUSEOVER TEXT: weirdly, it took me until yesterday to realize the song never uses any pronouns about Jackie...
Almost every line of that song turns into a dirty double entendre if you imagine Jackie as a horny pubescent girl and Puff as her imaginary friend with imaginary benefits. But maybe my interpretation is too much influenced by my own sexually frustrated teenage years... except I fantasized about aliens instead of dragons...
TEXT OF COMIC:
I just spent about twenty minutes on the phone with my cousin Jacqueline, listening to her complain about being mistaken for a guy.
Your cousin Jacqueline looks NOTHING like a guy.
Yeah, but apparently when she's not around, and people hear someone refer to her as "Jackie," they think she's male.
That's stupid. Jackie is short for Jacqueline. When's the last time you heard of a guy called Jackie?
Jackie Paper in "Puff the Magic Dragon."
What? That song never says Jackie Paper was a boy. I always pictured her as a girl.
It says "A dragon lives forever, but not so little boys."
That doesn't mean Jackie was a boy. Maybe it's saying she abandoned Puff because the little boys around her started growing up and becoming more interesting than an imaginary dragon.
NO BOY IS MORE INTERESTING THAN AN IMAGINARY DRAGON.
Okay, you have a point.
Comic #1186
July 14 2012
MOUSEOVER TEXT: an optipessimist
Abby is a pessimist about real life and an optimist about the distant and vaguely possible future.
TEXT OF COMIC:
When it becomes possible to erase memories selectively, I will give myself birthday presents and they'll always be surprises!
I can enjoy the same mystery novel over and over again! I can fix it whenever someone gives me Doctor Who spoilers!
I'll live in constant fear that I might be a serial killer who's about to be arrested for crimes I made myself forget.
And you call ME a pessimist.
Comic #1187
July 15 2012
MOUSEOVER TEXT: there's no profit in sticking only to real rules of acquisition
I bet advertisers carefully plan the commercial so that the moment most likely to end up as the one-second clip is one that makes their product look good.
TEXT OF COMIC:
What are those, anyway?
What?
Those random little fragments of commercials, that flash on the screen for a second in between other commercials? Is someone doing a really bad job at subliminal advertising?
I think it's just a glitch in the way TVs work now.
Why don't they fix it?
The advertisers probably like it. An accidental half-second of their commercial probably brings in a significant amount of revenue, if enough people are watching the channel.
But it's messy!
There's no profit in neatness.
You made that up. That's not a real Rule of Acquisition.
Comic #1188
July 21 2012
MOUSEOVER TEXT: Luckily I had this epiphany earlier in life than Abby did.
Not being able to tell the difference between a gas leak and a sewer leak certainly would be inconvenient.
TEXT OF COMIC:
What's that smell?
Methane. The pilot light on the stove went out for a while this morning. It's okay now.
That's methane? I was always told methane smelled like rotten eggs.
It does. It's an artificial rotten egg smell, but that's the smell they add to the gas to make it noticeable.
But it doesn't smell like rotten eggs! What I'm smelling right now smells nothing like rotten eggs to me. Seriously, if you had not told me that was methane, I would have gone through the rest of my life not being able to recognize methane when I smelled it.
I'd be in a house with a gas leak, and I'd be like, "What's that smell? It's weird, but I know it's not methane, because it doesn't smell like rotten eggs."
You may have just saved the life of future me.
Maybe they make it less rotten-eggy to avoid confusion whenever someone farts.
Comic #1189
July 22 2012
MOUSEOVER TEXT: more like the METArix
Avant-garde LARPing.
TEXT OF COMIC:
Neo, you are not in the real world.
I'm not?
You are in something called the Matrix.
What's that?
It's a movie, and you are a character in it.
Whaaaat?
Your role-playing gets way too meta, you guys.
Actually, I lied. You're not in a movie, you're a character in two children's reenactment of a movie. You're being played by a seven-year-old girl.
AAAAAA!
Comic #1190
July 28 2012
MOUSEOVER TEXT: Baseline is an all-too-easy typo for Vaseline
I feel that I am a great person, regardless of my mood. In that sense, I am always feeling great.
TEXT OF COMIC:
How are you doing, Abby?
Fine.
Just fine?
What, fine isn't good enough for our cheery workplace culture? You want me to be feeling great?
Well, I can try to feel great, but be warned, if I'm always feeling great, then great will become the baseline. Great will start to seem normal. As soon as great becomes the average, it will cease to be great, because great is defined by its above-averageness.
And then what we now call "great" will become just "fine"... and in order to say I'm feeling great, I'll have to be able to achieve some even higher plane of happiness, like feeling extraordinary or amazing or ecstatic.
Eventually, the emotional inflation will escalate so far that I am expected to go through my work days in a constant state of orgasm.
I'm not asking you to feel great, I just want you to SAY you're feeling great.
Ah.
Comic #1191
July 29 2012
MOUSEOVER TEXT: hard to edit what's written in stone
I've seen quite a few bits of old literature that seem this way to me-- mostly paragraphs late in the book that I would have expected to see earlier in the book (perhaps added as soon as the author thought of them, when there was no space to write them in where they actually should have gone). A truly diligent author with plenty of time could have managed it, but an author struggling to meet a deadline is another story.
TEXT OF COMIC:
Argh, this book drives me crazy. The author keeps describing things and then re-describing them in a much more effective way, leaving me wondering why he didn't edit out the first description and just use the better one.
How old is the book?
I dunno, pretty old. Probably a contemporary of Lucy Maud Montgomery or Jane Austen.
Ah. That was before authors had computers.
What?
Before word processing programs, editing a sentence in a book was a messy and time-consuming process. Reading old literature, I often get the feeling that authors didn't bother to edit unless something seriously needed changing.
I wonder what literature was like before the invention of erasers.
Maybe that's why 1 and 2 Corinthians reads as if Paul was trying to make up his mind and writing down every step of the process.
Comic #1192
August 4 2012
MOUSEOVER TEXT: I actually saw a toddler jumper with the words Potty like a Rock Star on it once... it was disgusting
There's an episode of Scrubs where there's a potty on the roof top.
TEXT OF COMIC:
Ever notice how people are less likely to pronounce their R's when they're singing? It's hard to tell American singers from British ones sometimes.
Yeah. Whenever I hear "party" in a song, I interpret it as "potty," and it usually makes the song better.
"Potty like it's 1999?"
"Potty Rock is in the house tonight."
"There's a potty on the roof top, top of the world."
"Drink all day and potty all night."
That one's the best, because it makes sense.
And not only if you define "potty" as "toilet," but also if you define it British-style, as "crazy." Works either way.
I swear you get more fun out of bad songs than good ones.
Ridiculing things makes me happy.
Comic #1193
August 5 2012
MOUSEOVER TEXT: Forever is a long time the way infinity is a big number.
Abby exposes Cathy to weird logic just to cause situations like this in her love life.
TEXT OF COMIC:
What happened, Cathy? I was studying abroad for just one semester, and I come back to find you with that football player! You told me you would wait for me forever!
I will, Evan. Don't worry. Of course I'll wait forever to be with you.
Which, literally, means I will never be with you. And while I'm waiting, I'll have as many boyfriends as I want.
Where did you learn twisted logic like that?
Oh, I have some tutoring in my free time at work.
Comic #1194
August 11 2012
MOUSEOVER TEXT: could also be an inner spooge spasm
I haven't watched a horror movie in years. The trailer for a horror movie is enough to creep me out as much as I'd ever want to be creeped out.
TEXT OF COMIC:
WHY did you show me that horror movie trailer. That was the creepiest thing ever. I'm going to have nightmares.
Sorry.
I just got a shiver that went all the way into the center of my stomach. My innards are literally spasming from the spookiness.
I said I'm sorry.
It's an inner spooky spasm. Or, for short, an inner spoosm. Which is practically a Spoonerism for Spoonerism.
Now I'm going to have nightmares.
Comic #1195
August 12 2012
MOUSEOVER TEXT: how does Julian Assange pronounce his name anyway?
I rearrange things every once in awhile, but every time I delude myself into thinking it's permanent. That's the only way I can handle change.
TEXT OF COMIC:
You never change anything in your dorm. You never move any furniture.
Everything works the way it is. It doesn't need to move.
Don't you ever want a little variety? A new look for your place, as they say in the magazines?
No. I don't like changing things around. I'd have to get used to everything all over again.
Abby, one of the great joys of womanhood is rearranging furniture, and you barely seem to know the meaning of the word "rearrange."
A euphemistic way of saying "Assange"?
I give up.
Comic #1196
August 18 2012
MOUSEOVER TEXT: I'm sleepy all the time this time of year.
good night
TEXT OF COMIC:
Blaaarg.
Mmmrrrgh.
Abby, get up. You're sitting on my hand.
Whaaah? I am?
Wow. It's good you noticed that. I'm really, really sleepy. I would have fallen asleep sitting on your hand.
And then... and then, you never know, Ron might have come in and fallen asleep sitting on MY hand.
You never know.
And then Hans might have come in and poured warm water on Ron's hand, setting off a chain reaction that...
I think your mind gets about four times more twisted when you're sleepy.
I think it does.
Comic #1197
August 19 2012
MOUSEOVER TEXT: Does Ron want to yell at Nemo the fish, or Captain Nemo from Twenty Thousand Leagues Under the Sea, or Little Nemo from the comic? At Dragoncon he might just meet all three.
I think the reason I remember Dragoncon being so full of love is because John and I had our honeymoon there in 2005.
Yes, this comic is in honor of our seventh anniversary. If we were Vulcans who had gotten married under the traditional Vulcan circumstances, this would be a very special anniversary for us.
But we're humans, so it just means we have to give each other... hmm, let me consult the Official Stupid Anniversary Gift List... "copper or wool"? God, I hate being a human. I'm just gonna pretend we're aliens and have wild pon farr sex instead. Vulcans have copper-based blood anyway.
TEXT OF COMIC:
Let's get ready for the con, Ron!
Aw, there's a stain on your costume. Maybe it'll fade if we spend enough time in the bright southern sun.
Sun! O, erase!
...Huh? Are you going to finish that palindrome?
We're going to Dragoncon. But it's not just about dragons, it's about EVERYTHING. There'll be events related to every nerdy subculture you can imagine. You'll see costumes of every character you can think of. What do you want to do first?
Yell at Nemo.
You might just get to.
Dragoncon is in Atlanta, Georgia. It'll be a long bus ride.
Montana to Wyoming.
You're looking at the wrong map.
Uh... hug Nimoy, Wotan.
Can't. He's not going to be at this con.
Aw. I feel so boringly normal in the midst of such awesomeness.
At no moment all eyes are on us.
And that was the most spaced-out palindrome I've ever heard from you.
Comic #1198
August 25 2012
MOUSEOVER TEXT: Advair can defend you against the police! It can help you pass Breathalyzer tests!
When I was a kid it bugged me that all police cars had the same license plate, with just the word POLICE. I wanted them to be like other license plates, with three letters and three numbers. But COP was the only three-letter word for police that I knew, and the only appropriate numbers I could think of were 911.
TEXT OF COMIC:
If you have COPD, Advair can help!
What is COPD, anyway?
Colorado Police Department.
Why do I keep asking you questions?
They're the only police department that actually gets to put COP in their name.
Comic #1199
August 26 2012
MOUSEOVER TEXT: Monarchs these days are very different from dictators. Monarchs centuries ago were no different from them.
I grew up in kind of an anarchy.
TEXT OF COMIC:
Mom is trying to set up some stupid "family court" thing for when Sharon and I get in trouble. She actually said the other day, "This family is a democracy."
Lord, that's hilarious.
No family is a democracy, because part of the definition of a democracy is that you can vote the leaders out of office if you don't like them. Dictatorship is the only system that actually works for families.
Isn't it more like a monarchy, though? I thought the difference is that dictators seize power, and monarchs get power through family or birth or whatever.
By that logic the leaders of North Korea would be monarchs, but everyone calls them dictators.
I think the difference between a dictator and a monarch is how long ago they ruled.
Then the Queen of England has been both a dictator and a monarch.
Well, if she actually had power.
Comic #1200
September 1 2012
MOUSEOVER TEXT: Abby wants real life to be more fair to arsonists.
This is based on a true story. The one situation in childhood where I was allowed to yell FIRE in a crowded bus.
TEXT OF COMIC:
Whoa!!
What, Abby?
"Legend has it that Mrs. O'Leary's cow started the historic Chicago fire of..."
Um, Abby, that's not news.
IT IS NEWS TO ME. And it explains so much!
What does it explain, exactly?
A song they used to make us sing on the bus to day camp.
"One dark night, while we were all in bed,
Old Mrs. O'Leary took the lantern to the shed
And when the cow kicked it over, she winked her eye and said
It'll be a hot time in the old town tonight."
And then one side of the bus yelled "FIRE! FIRE! FIRE!" and the other side yelled "WATER! WATER! WATER!" and the side that yelled the loudest won.
Water almost always won, because the Fire side yelled first, so the Water side had an advantage because they knew exactly how loud they had to yell to beat them. It was the most unfair game ever.
Well, isn't that kind of like real life? I mean, fire fighters know just how big a fire they're dealing with, but arsonists don't know exactly how much water the fire fighters will have.
Games shouldn't be as unfair as real life.
Comic #1201
September 2 2012
MOUSEOVER TEXT: Also, tomorrow never comes, and nothing happens in the present because the present is a single three-dimensional moment lacking the fourth dimension of time.
blurg
TEXT OF COMIC:
Are we there yet?
That is the stupidest question, for multiple reasons.
First: if we ARE someplace, then that place is called "here," not "there." We are never "there." So that question cannot be answered in the affirmative.
However, if you rephrase it to "are we HERE yet," the question cannot logically be answered in the negative.
So it's an unanswerable question. Doesn't mean it's stupid.
Yes it does.
Are we at the dorm yet?
That one was very nearly as stupid.
Comic #1202
September 8 2012
MOUSEOVER TEXT: Andor is an actual planet in Star Trek
Ideally not at the same time.
TEXT OF COMIC:
I cannot wait until winter break. No more school, no more stress, just family and Christmas. This will all be over. I will have passed and/or failed my Spanish course...
That was a misuse of "and/or." You can't use "and/or" for options that are mutually exclusive.
Sorry. I'm tired and/or I need more rest.
You can't use it for mutually inclusive things either. In fact, I personally advise against using "and/or" for options that are exclusive or inclusive even ONE way.
For example, you wouldn't say "Someday I want to get pregnant and/or give birth," would you? Sure, you can get pregnant without giving birth. Not all pregnancies make it to full term. But you can't give birth without being pregnant.
Doesn't stop me from WANTING to.
And you make me want to bury my head in my hands and/or slam my forehead against my desk.
Comic #1203
September 9 2012
MOUSEOVER TEXT: or maybe it's underneath a lime? personally i prefer a cherry on top
I don't know if the mist that comes off frozen foods in a warm room actually counts as sublimation. I don't particularly care, either. I like ice cream and I like puns.
TEXT OF COMIC:
Oh wow. This ice cream. It's sublime.
I can't believe how sublime it is. This is the sublimest thing I've ever eaten, the absolute epitome of sublimeness.
I go any buy ice cream to cheer you up, and all you can do is keep telling me it isn't as good as a lime.
No, I'm talking about how it's so cold that mist is coming off it.
Comic #1204
September 15 2012
MOUSEOVER TEXT: This is what my body does with biological viruses, too.
Would that make the virus legal?
TEXT OF COMIC:
I'm so paranoid. I keep worrying that my computer's going to get a virus.
But you have a Mac. Not many hackers write viruses for Macs.
Besides, whenever your computer tries to open anything or connect to anything, your OS alerts you and asks for your permission.
But I don't know anything about what's dangerous and what isn't. I just blindly click "Yes," regardless. If I got an alert saying "Your computer wants to connect to VirusCentral.Haxxx! Deny/Allow?" I would totally "Allow" it without even thinking.
And then if it downloaded a virus, it could give me a freakin' User Agreement saying "I consent to install this virus program and let it screw up my computer six ways till Sunday," and I would totally scroll to the bottom and click "Agree," just like all the other contracts I get.
I can see the difficulty here.
Comic #1205
September 16 2012
MOUSEOVER TEXT: ostriches, emus and rheas are called 'ratites,' which does not mean they resemble rats
Here in Minnesota, the Mall of America has taken to advertising itself mainly with its initials, and I always can't help thinking of it as a size analogy to the giant bird.
TEXT OF COMIC:
Reading about extinct animals?
Yup. Did you know a "dire wolf" was a real animal that lived about 10,000 years ago? It was like a gray wolf but a lot bigger.
Just about everything was bigger back then.
Yeah. Like the moa.
The Mall of America?
No, the moa. An extinct bird. It was like ostriches and emus and rheas, but bigger.
So if a giant wolf was a dire wolf, then the moa was a... dire rhea.
You are full of so much crap.
Comic #1206
September 22 2012
MOUSEOVER TEXT: Red vs Blue would say she has become a shisno
I suppose that for such a creature, "reproducing" and "excreting crap of its own" are one and the same.
TEXT OF COMIC:
Here, look at this extinct alligator.
Whoa. That scares the living crap out of me.
The living crap?
Yes. The living crap.
That alligator scares me so bad that LIVING CRAP is bursting out of my backside and crawling off to roam the world, eating, reproducing, and excreting crap of its own. THAT is how scary it is.
You have a vivid way with words.
Comic #1207
September 23 2012
MOUSEOVER TEXT: cunnilinguists maybe
all marriages are impossible sometimes
TEXT OF COMIC:
From a purely descriptivist linguistic point of view, do you think marriage should be defined as a union between a man and a woman?
Hmm. Well, if you want a definition based on usage, most of the uses of that word throughout history have referred to heterosexual unions-- but only because homosexual unions haven't been accepted throughout most of history.
And in the present day, usage has changed. Even the people who say they don't believe in gay marriage are using the word "marriage" in a way that includes same-sex unions.
I mean, think about it. They say we shouldn't allow gay marriages. If they really defined "marriage" as "a union between a man and a woman," they would say gay marriages are IMPOSSIBLE.
We need some actual linguists in politics.
Comic #1208
September 29 2012
MOUSEOVER TEXT: flying rug doesn't sound nearly as cool
I guess the definition of carpet has changed since the invention of vacuum cleaners.
TEXT OF COMIC:
What's the difference between a rug and a carpet?
Is this some kind of stupid riddle that can only end in a horrendous pun? Because if it is, I'm not playing.
No, I'm actually wondering what the difference is. We usually think of rugs as movable, and carpets as being attached to the floor.
But the word "carpet" existed long before anyone was attaching them to the floor. You ever tour really, really old buildings? They never have nailed-down carpets. Only after the invention of vacuum cleaners did that became practical in any way.
And yet the word "carpet" is centuries old. Old fairy tales talk about magic flying carpets, and they're as far from being nailed down as you can get.
I liked Disney's Aladdin. The flying carpet had a personality.
Yeah, like it was some kind of cross between an animal and a vehicle.
Sort of a car-pet.
I KNEW this was going to end in a pun somehow.
Comic #1209
September 30 2012
MOUSEOVER TEXT: Abby can only enjoy jokes if they have ridiculous puns in them
It's much easier to answer the question of how much you can write in a blank .txt file.
TEXT OF COMIC:
How many words can you write on a blank sheet of paper?
Umm...
One, because after that the sheet isn't blank anymore!
Well, technically, you can't even write one word, because as soon as you write the first letter of it, the sheet isn't blank anymore.
And really you can't even write one letter, because the sheet ceases to be blank before you even finish writing the letter.
The moment your pencil touches the paper, the moment the first carbon atom from your graphite transfers itself from the pencil tip onto the sheet, that is when blankness ends.
And when you think about it, it's hard to imagine the paper didn't already have some stray carbon atoms on it before you started writing. I would venture to say that blank paper doesn't even exist in this imperfect world.
You think too much to enjoy jokes.
Comic #1210
October 6 2012
MOUSEOVER TEXT: aww
I'd stop caring when Abby is 1600 and Sharon is 99% of her age.
TEXT OF COMIC:
Cousin Abby, will I ever catch up to you and be the same age? I wish we could turn thirty at the same time.
Sorry. I'll always be sixteen years older than you.
Man. A lifetime of being less than half your age. This sucks.
Oh, no, Sharon! You won't be less than half my age forever. The difference between our ages will stay the same, but the quotient will keep changing constantly!
When I'm thirty-two, you'll be exactly half my age. When I'm forty-eight, you'll be two-thirds of my age. When I'm sixty-four, you'll be three-quarters of my age.
You'll never catch up completely, but if technology advances and allows us to live long enough, you'll get close enough that the fraction of difference will be essentially negligible.
You always know how to make me feel better.
Any time, sweetie.
Comic #1211
October 7 2012
MOUSEOVER TEXT: another reason to make sure you die young
It's not overthinking from an accuracy perspective, but overthinking from a happiness perspective.
TEXT OF COMIC:
Believing in heaven is kind of difficult when you observe how much people change throughout their lives, especially at the end.
If you grew old and senile, and gradually lost your mind in the few years before your death, what version of you would get into the afterlife? Would you go to heaven as the person you were when you died? Because that would be awful.
But if you went to heaven as the person you were when your mind was fully healthy, you'd lose any memories of things that happened since then. You might forget the births of your last few grandchildren or something. Would you want to go to heaven like that?
What do religious people believe? Do they think heaven just preserves you as a kind of patchwork of all the best bits of your life?
I think they don't overthink things as much as you.
Comic #1212
October 13 2012
MOUSEOVER TEXT: It's preventive because they're trying to... prevent it from being broken for the rest of the day?
I guess you could say they're being humble by not admitting that they're nicer than they make themselves look.
TEXT OF COMIC:
Hi. Where's the science fiction section?
Upstairs.
The escalator is blocked off with a big thing labeled "PREVENTIVE MAINTENANCE." Where are the stairs?
To the left of the entrance.
Thanks.
By the way, could you let your managers know that only a huge jerk would schedule preventive escalator maintenance for the busiest hour of the day?
Sure. But it's not really preventive maintenance. The escalator's actually broken, they just don't want to admit that.
So they're LYING to make themselves look like BIGGER jerks. Wow. I was wondering when corporate America would give up on trying to hide evil and start proudly proclaiming it.
I think that started a while ago.
Comic #1213
October 14 2012
MOUSEOVER TEXT: happy strip 1213 on october 14
Always found it strange that "bite it" can mean "bite the dust," but the same rule doesn't seem to apply to "kick it."
TEXT OF COMIC:
I'm leaving early.
What for?
Just gonna spend the afternoon kicking it with my friends.
Playing football?
No, dumbo. Watching hot guys play football. And then piling into a hot car with all the hot guys and driving to the bar and getting stinking drunk, and then driving home again some time before the sun comes up. You know. The kind of stuff people like YOU don't get to do.
Wow. When you said you were going to be kicking it with your friends, I had no idea that by "it" you meant "the bucket."
You're just jealous.
Comic #1214
October 20 2012
MOUSEOVER TEXT: the feeling of wanting to wear the goggles is, of course, VERY worthy of protection
Worthiness of protection or respect doesn't depend on whether something is a feeling or a thought. Lots of feelings are completely unrespectable. I think it mostly depends on whether the feeling can stand up to a few minutes of logical thought.
TEXT OF COMIC:
I got such an awesome pair of steampunk zombie-proof goggles at that convention we went to. I'm sick of having no place to wear them. This is it, I'm totally going to wear them to sociology class tomorrow.
I wonder how the other people in your class will feel about that.
I don't CARE what other people think.
It's interesting how the words "feel" and "think" have gotten so mixed up in human understanding. If you say "What will people think of that?" it means pretty much the same as "How will people feel about that?"
But saying "I don't care what people think" sounds cool and edgy, while saying "I don't care how people feel" sounds cruel.
Feelings, however hard they are to distinguish from thoughts, are still considered more worthy of protection.
Well, good thing I said the acceptable one. Not that I care what's acceptable.
But did you really say the one you meant? I sorta think being offended at your weirdo goggles is a feeling, not a thought.
People who would be offended by them aren't capable of having thoughts.
Comic #1215
October 21 2012
MOUSEOVER TEXT: yay upcoming halloween and happy morbid times (although I wrote this in July)
To all of you guys I leave the box of assorted drug pipes and paraphernalia that we inherited from some crazy aunt a while ago, the possession of which I think is a petty misdemeanor in our state, but if we threw it away that might be destruction of evidence, which I think is a felony, so I really have no bloody idea what to do with it.
TEXT OF COMIC:
What are you doing?
Writing my will.
You morbid person. I thought you already wrote a will.
This one isn't my official will. It's the one I would use if I had a lot of things I don't have.
Like what?
"To NASA I leave twenty billion dollars, on the condition that it will be used to reopen their research on building self-sufficient weather-proof shelters-- not for space colonies, but for the inevitability that we will need them on Earth soon."
Now that's some great wishful thinking. Are you leaving me anything?
"To Norma I leave my awesome suit of space armor from the silent auction at Dragoncon, which in this alternate reality I did NOT get outbid on by a last-minute sniping jerk in a Wolverine costume."
Wow, thanks. Is this intended solely as an outlet for anger?
"To my coworker and classmate Cathy, I leave my stash of five hundred pounds of crack cocaine, the possession of which will automatically make her a felon."
If she isn't already.
Comic #1216
October 27 2012
MOUSEOVER TEXT: it was never boring for true geeks
I'm writing this in July. If this has actually happened by the time this posts, I'm sure we'll all have a lot more to worry about than an out-of-date comic.
TEXT OF COMIC:
I hope it gets really cold this winter. I am sick of record-breaking heat waves.
Yeah. Do you suppose it's the greenhouse gases, or could it be that spike in solar flare activity they were talking about at the beginning of the year?
Whatever it is, it's freakin' scary. Are we going to turn into one of those uninhabitable planets where all the water evaporated?
Well, up to now, Earth has been pretty good at restoring balance.
But the imbalance now is getting so bad, restoring balance would require something pretty extreme.
I guess the warming could melt a lot of ice, changing the pressure on the tectonic plates, which could start lots more earthquakes. That could set off the Yellowstone supervolcano, and release enough ash to start a new Ice Age.
I fondly remember a time when talking about the weather was boring.
Comic #1217
October 28 2012
GUIDE TO THE ABBY & NORMA GANG'S 2012 HALLOWEEN COSTUMES
MOUSEOVER TEXT: How could Abby run into a mirror? Well, either she's a vampire, or she thought her reflection was an alternate-universe version of herself and she was trying to make out with it.
Abby could have fit into Norma and Ron's little Doctor Who team by calling her SEP field a "perception filter," but, being Abby, she insisted on doing her own thing.
(Oh, and the Doctor's gonna be so thrilled when he notices what color his hair is. But he can't say "ginger" anymore, so he'll probably just glare at the mirror and yell "REDDER!")
TEXT OF COMIC:
CATHY: SEXY NURSE
SICK.
BECKY: SEXY NUN
OH MY GOD.
NORMA: SEXY DALEK
WANT TO SEE MY TENTACLES?
CHRISSY: NOT PRESENT (HALLOWEEN IS BLASPHEMOUS)
RON: 42ND DOCTOR (JUST WENT THROUGH A ROUGH REGENERATION)
BAD WOLF'S EYES ID RAT. DALEK AT NOON, TAKE LAD. TARDIS EYES FLOW! DAB!
SHARON AND KAREN AND HANS: THEY LET ABBY CHOOSE THEIR COSTUMES AND NOW REGRET IT
(SHARING AND CARING HANDS)
ABBY: CLAIMS SHE HAS A COSTUME SO COOL SHE CAN'T LET ANYONE SEE IT, LEST THEY STEAL THE IDEA-- SO SHE'S COVERED IT WITH A "SOMEONE ELSE'S PROBLEM" FIELD
POLICE BOX
OH MY GOD, IT REALLY IS BIGGER ON THE-- OW I JUST RAN INTO THE MIRROR
Comic #1218
November 3 2012
MOUSEOVER TEXT: the inability to maintain optimism is a direct result of the inability to maintain balance
There isn't any legged animal that looks less as if it should be able to stand than us. Even birds have tails that balance them out a bit.
TEXT OF COMIC:
Sometimes I wonder if humans will ever stop being prejudiced.
Think of how far we've come, though, and think how far we'll go if we keep on this path. Just a few centuries ago Americans were keeping slaves in their backyards.
And now Americans are keeping slaves in other countries. Social progress isn't linear, it's zigzaggy.
We don't do anything moderately. We decide something is good, so we do it to an extreme, or we do it carelessly without admitting it has any negative aspects or bothering to deal with them.
Then things go wrong, and we decide that it's bad and its opposite is good-- so we do the opposite carelessly or to an extreme. We just swing back and forth between extremes, never figuring out that the best place is somewhere between them.
For an animal that walks on its friggin' hind legs, we are unexpectedly terrible at maintaining balance.
Or optimism.
Comic #1219
November 4 2012
MOUSEOVER TEXT: abby, some people would call YOU an unfeeling alien robot
As a fun exercise, try switching the meanings of the "-path" in various words. "Telepathy" means "disease at a distance"! "Pathology" means "science of emotion"!
TEXT OF COMIC:
So do you strive to follow a moderate path in your life?
I dislike the word "path" as a metaphor for what you do in life.
What? To me it seems like one of the few metaphors in the English language that actually make sense.
Actually I don't like the word "path" at all. When used as a prefix our suffix, it means either "emotion" or "disease."
Who would have the same word for those two things? I don't trust any word that was made up by a society of unfeeling alien robots.
Now that's a conspiracy theory I've never heard before.
Comic #1220
November 10 2012
MOUSEOVER TEXT: My spellchecker doesn't recognize 'kewpie,' which is good because it means the world is forgetting Kewpie dolls.
I'm sure the French have their own sound for when they find something disgusting. Maybe more than one sound. I mean, English has at least four or five of them.
TEXT OF COMIC:
Do you have any money?
No. Just a coupon for granola bars.
Coupon?
Yes. Why do you seem so full of distaste all of a sudden?
Because you pronounced it "coo-pon."
That's how I pronounce it. I don't pronounce it "kew-pon" like you and all the other uneducated savages.
If it were "coo-pon" it would be spelled with two O's.
If it were "kew-pon" I don't even know how it would be spelled. You know that type of car that's spelled "c-o-u-p-e"?
Coupe?
Exactly. It's not pronounced "kewpie."
But that's a totally different word from "coupon."
They're both French, though. And French doesn't even have an "ew" sound.
Think about it. If the French could go "ew," do you think they'd keep eating so many frogs and snails?
Resorting to racism will not make you less wrong.
Comic #1221
November 11 2012
MOUSEOVER TEXT: In Spain there are olive-oil-tasting events.
You may say fruit juice isn't water with a flavoring, but YES IT IS, because it is mostly water and the flavor comes from less than half of its contents; they are FLAVORINGS ADDED BY NATURE.
However, I think there are some alcoholic drinks that are more than half alcohol, so I guess they wouldn't count as flavored water. Can't call something water if the water is less than half of it.
TEXT OF COMIC:
Pepsi and Coke are continuing to compete for most popular beverage. But I can't understand why people like either of them.
Are they really the most popular beverages?
Well, I guess it depends on how you define "most popular." If you define it as "the beverage people drink most," then I guess water is the most popular.
If you define it as "the beverage people would most often PREFER to drink," it's probably champagne or something.
Water is the most popular beverage no matter what. In fact, water is the ONLY beverage.
Every other beverage is just water with a flavoring.
Unless people start drinking oils.
Comic #1222
November 17 2012
MOUSEOVER TEXT: The next day she interpreted all letters as their most common use in mathematical terminology. She used the pronoun 'I', realized she was imaginary, and the whole comic collapsed.
Silly Abby. If you really want to microwave something for negative-one minutes, you use the freezer.
TEXT OF COMIC:
The Adventures of Abby on the Day When She Decided to Interpret All Punctuation as Mathematical Symbols
...on an all-new episode tonight at 9/8 Central.
Hmm, nine divided by eight is 1.125... I guess we'll have to be ready to watch it at an eighth past one.
So be sure to call me tomorrow. Oh, I've been meaning to ask, do you have a boyfriend yet?
Mom, you know that putting "oh" after your decimal point reduces the value of what you say by a factor of ten.
Are we going to have dinner ever? It's already 7!
I don't think clocks go as high as seven factorial, Norma.
This instant taco is horrible.
Yeah, I don't know what went wrong. It said to microwave it for 1-2 minutes, so I just put it in the refrigerator for a minute.
Comic #1223
November 18 2012
MOUSEOVER TEXT: It would be funny if there were cats on Mars, and Curiosity accidentally landed on them and squashed them. Then there would be flat cats on Mars. (obscure Heinlein reference HA HA)
I once was teasing John about his name: "John? Seriously, John? It's so generic. You should be married to a woman named Jane, and have three dogs named Rover, Fido and Spot, and a cat named Fluffy, and a parrot named Polly, and a goldfish named Goldie."
And John replied, in his predictably unpredictably Dadaist way: "No, the goldfish would be named Satan."
TEXT OF COMIC:
I actually met someone today who had a dog named Rover.
Seriously? Rover? Was the name chosen ironically or something? Because that's the only way it's even slightly cool.
I'd never name a dog Rover, not even ironically.
I'd name it after one of the Mars rovers, instead.
If you named it Curiosity, it might start killing cats.
Comic #1224
November 24 2012
MOUSEOVER TEXT: don't worry, cats have thirteen lives
I have nothing to say for myself about this awful strip, so here's a picture from bbc.co.uk:
TEXT OF COMIC:
Well, good night. I'm gonna spend some time on the internet and wind down.
Yeah right. You're probably going to look at sexy pictures of David Tennant all night, and get totally the opposite of wound down.
No I'm not, and if I am it's none of your business.
Whenever you get off to Doctor Who fanfiction, God kills at least three kittens.
I know. God works in many mysterious ways. He kills about 12 million cats and kittens each year just through his loyal servants in animal shelters.
Abby...
And even assuming that those were the only feline deaths, and that only one-twelfth of them were kittens, that still works out to about 2700 kittens a day.
I can't possibly get off to Doctor Who fanfiction more than four times a day, so God kills at the very least 684 kittens for each time I do. However, correlation does not imply causation.
It doesn't imply NO causation either.
Well, if you prefer to think of it that way, feel free to assume that the dead kittens cause my Doctor Whoish fun times.
Never mind.
Comic #1225
November 25 2012
MOUSEOVER TEXT: that time, Abby assumed Norma was going to say 'spareribs'
This is closely based on a conversation I had with John and our friend Cori. In context it was even more insane, because it was part of a long grandiose rant abut how June 16th is the best day in all of history (Cori's assertion, because it's his birthday, supported by me reading off a Wikipedia list of things that have happened on that date, and John and Cori riffing crazily on each one of them).
TEXT OF COMIC:
Who's Valentina Tereshkova?
The first woman-- in spaaaaaaace. Since June 16th, 1963.
You know, when you say "space" like that, my brain jumps to conclusions about how the word's going to end before you're done saying it. This time I thought you were saying "first woman in Spain."
Ha. I like that. Before June 16th, 1963, WOMEN WERE NOT ALLOWED IN SPAIN.
How did Spain's population replenish itself, then?
Maybe the men left the country to mate with foreign women, and then brought the children back with them.
Only the male children, I guess.
No-- the law didn't say anything about little girls in Spain, just women. They didn't have to leave Spain until just before they reached adulthood.
Ahhh.... So maybe no females ever had to leave the country. Maybe 1963 was just when Spain reduced the age of majority for women. Maybe it used to be, like, three hundred or something.
And I guess Valentina Tereshkova was the only woman in Spain at the time?
Just the only one over 18.
We have the most insane conversations in the world.
Yeah, but I bet there are aliens having better ones, in spaaaaaaaaace.
Comic #1226
December 1 2012
MOUSEOVER TEXT: they probably LIKE having wedgies
Evil Abby, she's contributing to bad stereotypes about recumbent riders
TEXT OF COMIC:
Abby, why do you have a "Jersey Shore" sticker on the back of your bike? You hate Jersey Shore. Is it supposed to be ironic?
No. It's supposed to be misleading.
Huh?
I'm a terrible cyclist. I ride on the sidewalk and make pedestrians jump out of the way, because when I try to ride in the street I cause cars to run into each other.
Bad drivers should always have bumper stickers that express the polar opposite of their views, so that their bad driving feeds stereotypes they want to perpetuate, instead of ones that are harmful to them.
Still, I don't think anyone would believe that a real Jersey Shore fan would ride a recumbent.
Comic #1227
December 2 2012
MOUSEOVER TEXT: looking forward so much to the day when every character flaw has a medical name and doctor-recommended treatment
I would totally accept psychiatric help to treat laziness. I've read that you can build willpower by doing some little exercise every day-- it can be anything that's mildly inconvenient, like brushing your teeth with your non-dominant hand. But sometimes I lack the motivation to do even that... if a doctor was making me keep a chart of it, though, I'm sure I could.
TEXT OF COMIC:
What do you think of the new definition of autism? That thing where it's all a spectrum and Asperger's isn't a separate condition?
I think it makes sense from a categorizing standpoint--as much as categorizing people can ever make sense.
But I think it's going to cause problems for actual humans trying to get by in society. Some people won't be able to get diagnosed at all under the new system, and they'll miss out on aid they could really use.
See, the problem is how we're viewing diagnosis. A diagnosis should be a tool to figure out how to give someone the best help. But it's being used as a certificate to prove that someone deserves help at all.
And everyone who has trouble in school or work deserves help. Every academic difficulty or behavior problem has a cause, whether it's genetics or upbringing, physical or social, nature or nurture. Some of those causes don't have medical descriptions yet, but all of them are real. You shouldn't have to have a diagnosis to get help you need.
But sometimes the cause is just laziness and wanting to freeload off the system. And authorities can't always tell that from having a mild disorder.
People with laziness should be given help too-- they should get counseling to help them develop willpower and a work ethic. I really believe it's a treatable mental condition, if we approach it the right way.
Trouble is, people can only change if they want to change. And sometimes not wanting to change is the thing that needs to change.
We could give them alternatives that make them want to change.
MOUSEOVER TEXT: looking forward so much to the day when every character flaw has a medical name and doctor-recommended treatment
Comic #1228
December 8 2012
MOUSEOVER TEXT: ironic illogic
Sadly, I think I'm right in the middle of that Venn diagram.
TEXT OF COMIC:
I would totally watch this one show if it weren't so popular. Geez, I am such a hipster.
No you're not.
If you admit to being a hipster, you are automatically not a hipster. And if you are a hipster, you will automatically deny being one. In this world it is impossible to make a true statement on whether or not you are a hipster.
It's not impossible. You can still say accurately that you are NOT a hipster. If P = "you are a hipster" and Q = "you say you are a hipster," and P => ~Q and Q => ~P, it does not necessarily follow that ~Q => P.
Wow. Do hipsters and logicians overlap at all?
Hold on, I'll draw a Venn diagram.
Comic #1229
December 9 2012
MOUSEOVER TEXT: I guess the GoDiva would be some kind of cup to collect pee? :-P
Ah well, I suppose that IS woman's greatest ally.
TEXT OF COMIC:
Eesh. Actresses these days. So much silicone.
Hey, don't knock silicone. It's been used to make a whole lot of useful devices to help women take control of their bodies.
Um... are we still talking about breast implants, or have you moved on to sex toys or something?
I mean things like the Go Girl-- a handy tool to facilitate peeing while standing! And the Diva Cup-- a reusable, earth-friendly alternative to tampons!
Someday the two companies will merge and invent woman's greatest ally, the GoDiva.
I've... I've SEEN that store at the mall. I thought they sold CHOCOLATE.
Comic #1230
December 15 2012
MOUSEOVER TEXT: Janeway would've been a better captain if she'd been bald
Abby's being pretty silly. Human head hair is perfectly useful. I get a sunburned neck if my hair's too short, and I can only imagine how much it would hurt to have something fall and hit you on a bald head. Don't see the use of armpit and groin hair, though-- it's kind of backwards, because those are usually the places where other mammals have LESS hair.
TEXT OF COMIC:
You know why Picard is better than Kirk?
Prime Directive?
HAIR.
What? Picard has no hair.
Exactly! Baldness is a sign of refinement and sophistication.
Think about it. Most other mammals are covered with hair. Humans gradually lost their hair over the millennia, and now only a few parts of our bodies retain vestigial traces of it.
Humans who are losing even those traces are more evolved, more separated from the animals. Picard realizes this and wears it proudly, while Kirk covers it with an ugly toupee.
YOU have hair down to your butt. What does that say about you?
I'm free of the responsibilities of a starship captain, so it's okay for me to embrace my animal side.
Comic #1231
December 16 2012
MOUSEOVER TEXT: wanting a boy or a girl is inherently expressive of gender stereotypes
Putting a frilly dress on a boy who doesn't want it is no more cruel than putting a frilly dress on a girl who doesn't want it. But I agree she shouldn't have children.
TEXT OF COMIC:
Baby books?
In the corner over there.
Thanks. I'm so excited! The doctor says it's going to be a girl. We have four boys already and I've been wanting a girl for so long.
Um... in what way are you assuming a girl will be different from a boy?
Lots of ways!
But none of them are guaranteed, beyond the most basic biological traits.
I can dress a girl up in a frilly dress.
So I'm guessing your boys don't like being dressed up in frilly dresses?
What? Of course not! They like boy things. And boy things are all right, but I would just love to have a girl, because I can have so much fun buying pretty dresses for her.
What will you do if your girl doesn't like dresses either?
Who cares! I'm her mother, I can dress her however I like.
If the kid's wishes are irrelevant to you, I don't see why you are going through the trouble of having another kid instead of just putting frilly dresses on your boys.
I hope you never have children.
I hope so too.
Comic #1232
December 22 2012
MOUSEOVER TEXT: Plastic cockroaches are relatively easy to find.
I, said the roach, all brown and sable
I scurried around on the floor of the stable
I made the wise men jump up on the table
I, said the roach, all brown and sable
TEXT OF COMIC:
Oh, how cute. You're arranging toy animals in a little nativity scene.
Tis the season.
The sheep I'll believe, but I don't think baby Jesus was visited by so many hummingbirds and cockroaches.
Everyone has their own interpretation of the Christmas story.
You picked those three animals just so you could say "baa hum bug," every time you look at that display. Didn't you.
It was frellin' hard to find little plastic hummingbirds.
Comic #1233
December 23 2012
MOUSEOVER TEXT: Nurses can use the medical 'we,' which means 'you.'
My little cousins always sang this song at Christmas, but could never agree on how to end it. One of them only sang the first verse, and ended it with "It was loaded, it exploded / blowing us near and far."
TEXT OF COMIC:
We three kings of Orient are,
Smoking on a rubber cigar.
It was loaded, it exploded--
Bang!
We two kings of Orient are,
Smoking on a rubber cigar.
It was loaded, it exploded--
Bang!
Why'd you stop singing?
I can't say "We one king of Orient are."
Sure you can. Kings can use the royal "we."
I one king of Orient am,
Smoking on a-- Bam!
Comic #1234
December 29 2012
MOUSEOVER TEXT: yes I will milk the 'phallic as a dalek' joke for all it is worth
In belated honor of Christmas, and in timely honor of strip #1234, you get a drawn comic today, with a semi-dirty Doctor Who joke in it. Enjoy.
Oh, and this is the costume I wore to Gaylaxicon. Everybody loved it.
TEXT OF COMIC:
Merry Christmas, Norma!
D---K IN A BOX
Wow, you actually censored that.
Of course I did! Do I dare write its full name? Isn't it the most hideously horrid thing known to humanity?
Course not! It's just a...
OHH. I guess you're right.
Comic #1235
December 30 2012
MOUSEOVER TEXT: Abby's new band, They Might Look Like Giants.
I have the whole first 18 lines of the Canterbury Tales memorized in the original Middle English. Haven't been able to forget it since high school. I can only imagine what more useful information it's crowding out of my head.
And I have no idea if Abby's professor has the correct interpretation of the line she quoted about the birds-- that's just the explanation my own teacher gave when I was studying the Canterbury Tales. If it's true, it makes me very sad for medieval humans.
TEXT OF COMIC:
How was literature class today?
Ugh. Canterbury Tales.
What's wrong with the Canterbury Tales?
"And small birds make melody / that sleep all the night with open eye." According to the professor, people back then believed that birds slept with their eyes open, because people could not grasp the concept of "nocturnal."
People couldn't imagine anything being awake at night. They figured that if some species of birds were singing at night and going around at night with their eyes open, they must be doing it IN THEIR FRIGGIN SLEEP.
People were so godawful stupid a millennium ago.
We're only smarter because we stood on the shoulders of giants.
No, there never were any giants. Humanity is all tiny dwarves, and each generation stands on the shoulders of more tiny dwarves than the last.
And every once in a while someone happens to be a little bit less tiny than usual--
and/or happens to have access to more past dwarves to stand on--
and then they might look like giants, but they're not.
Do you think that was what Chaucer was?
No, he was a crazy neurotic pervert dwarf standing on the shoulders of at least two other crazy neurotic pervert dwarves. Like, Dopey and Sleepy and Grumpy trying to get into an x-rated movie.
You certainly have a bright view of the classics.