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Abby and Norma
from 2015
Comic #1444
January 3 2015
MOUSEOVER TEXT: huh?
to be continued some more
TEXT OF COMIC:
Why are you here, Mom? You kick me out as soon as I can sort of survive on my own, I haven't heard from you since, and now you're suddenly visiting me for Christmas?
I am not visiting you for Christmas. I've simply realized that you may have drawn the wrong conclusion from my long absence.
When I stopped communicating with you, I was not dismissing you as a failed experiment. I still believe your genes have value to my project of breeding humanity into a solitary species. So I still expect you to make an effort.
You are, unfortunately, not the ultimate asocial human. But, as you said, you are less social than ninety percent of humanity. That makes you prime breeding stock. Your descendants undoubtedly will include the progenitors of the new race of ultimate asocial humans.
I came here to make sure you know that I haven't given up on you.
Um, very touching, Mom, but I don't think it's worth you kicking my friend out of her own dorm.
This is her dorm? What a strange girl. She didn't seem to have any objection to going away.
She doesn't much object to being away from people in general. She was gonna spend Christmas all by herself, before I stopped by.
That's... oh, no, Hans! I'm so sorry!
Huh?
Comic #1445
January 4 2015
MOUSEOVER TEXT: the tiger mother
happy new year, everyone.
TEXT OF COMIC:
I had this all wrong! You're not spending time with her just for the immoral pleasure of it.
Um...?
She's like you! She's in the ninetieth percentile for non-social genes! You've found the only other sample of prime breeding stock on this campus! I'm such a fool! I interrupted your mating rendezvous!
Um, okay?
I'll leave immediately! Oh, no, I hope I didn't ruin your chances of impregnating her! Goodbye, Hans! Best of luck!
Um, bye?
Don't lose hope! If it's not her, you MUST find another just as good! I have faith in your genes, son! Your descendants will be TIGERS!
*blink*
*blink*
Hans? What's going on?
I... I guess my mom wants grandkids too.
You have my sympathy.
Comic #1446
January 10 2015
MOUSEOVER TEXT: happy 1/10: decimation day
Luckily her cookie appetite will recover in time to enjoy them. Abby's sweet tooth is surprisingly resilient... with her diet, by all rights, any tooth of hers should've decayed into nothing many years ago.
TEXT OF COMIC:
Welcome back.
Hey.
I missed you.
Anything good happen while I was gone?
It's... kind of hard to define "good."
I got you a present.
When did you find time to shop for presents while spending the holidays with your family?
I didn't, I just scavenged them from the family party.
Cookies? Uuuggghh, noooo, I can't look.
What? You said they were the ideal gift.
Many things have happened since I said that.
Comic #1447
January 11 2015
MOUSEOVER TEXT: So I guess that guy was saying the two of them were a skinny lady and a fat lady? Wonder which he thought was which.
Depending on your font, the appearance can vary slightly.
TEXT OF COMIC:
Hey girl! You're hot!
What?
You're hot. You're a 10.
Well, that was weird.
Yeah. Usually I don't have to deal with those creepy guys. Apparently most of them don't think I'm a 10.
How does that stupid number rating system work anyway?
Well, a 9 is big-breasted and thin. An 8 has the classic curvy hourglass figure.
A 7 is skinny with a long nose, and walks around with her hips shoved forward.
A 6 or 5 is a pregnant lady, and a 4 is thin, with no butt and pointy boobs.
A 3 has large breasts and a large stomach. A 2 has large breasts and large feet. And a 1 is just a tall skinny woman.
Wait a minute. You're saying the numbers are to be taken as visual metaphors?
Perhaps we've finally found a relevant context for the pun "I never metaphor I didn't like."
Comic #1448
January 17 2015
MOUSEOVER TEXT: or you might be in a spiral staircase
I hope the catcaller from last strip isn't following them.
TEXT OF COMIC:
How do you know if someone's following you?
Turn a corner, then turn another corner, and then another, and then another.
How does that tell you anything?
Well, if the guy behind you turns four corners after you, that means he's following you. Nobody would have any other reason to turn four corners.
If that's true, then by your logic I must be following someone.
No, you turned four corners to see if he was following you.
So why do you assume he didn't have the same reason for doing the same thing? Maybe he thinks someone is following him.
And maybe THAT guy turned four corners because he thought someone was following him. AND SO ON.
Maybe there is an endless quadrilateral loop of people who THINK they're being followed and are therefore ACTING as if they are following someone.
I don't follow your logic.
Comic #1449
January 18 2015
MOUSEOVER TEXT: we now return to ordinary silliness
crops spelled backwards is sporc
TEXT OF COMIC:
Hey, Norma!
Hm?
What does 'crop rotation' mean?
Um, it's...
It's when you edit the edges off a photo, AND turn it sideways!
Abby, I am TRYING to do HOMEWORK!
Comic #1450
January 24 2015
MOUSEOVER TEXT: literary prescriptivism
Writing slaves, pen me another epic poem about how awesome I am! *whippssh*
TEXT OF COMIC:
Professor, you've spent this English course teaching us to "write well." But aren't all forms of beauty in the eye of the beholder? Isn't the concept of "good writing" a highly subjective matter of opinion, depending on individual people's senses of aesthetics?
To a degree, but there is a certain consensus in society as to what constitutes literary quality, even if not everyone adheres to it.
So you're teaching us to write in a way that will appeal to the majority of people?
No, the majority of people are uncultured slobs who like trashy novels and can't appreciate good literature. The consensus to which I refer is among civilized people, who are a small minority.
So you're teaching us to become writers who pander to a small minority of readers with unusual tastes, simply because they are the tastes you happen to share.
Well, I wouldn't phrase it that way.
This seems sort of creepy. Are you sure you're not grooming us to be your personal writing slaves?
Comic #1451
January 25 2015
MOUSEOVER TEXT: for bookstore workers they sure aren't big readers
Am I being passive-aggressive by writing this in a comic?
TEXT OF COMIC:
Geez, Abby, you're passive-aggressive.
Huh?
This note you left in the stockroom? "Please STOP putting the biographies of authors next to the novels they wrote! We HAVE a shelf for biographies, people! I do NOT want to see any more customers storm out the door because I couldn't find the book they were looking for, only to find it later in the WRONG PLACE!"
That's not passive-aggressive. That's just aggressive. If I said the same thing out loud, I'd basically be yelling at you.
But if you write it in a note, you're being mean while trying to avoid confronting me personally.
Cathy, you are not the only person who has been putting books in the wrong place. If I hadn't written it in a note, I would have had to yell at EVERY SINGLE EMPLOYEE here. I can't even FIND everyone who's working here, most of the time. Writing a note was the only way I could be sure of getting my message to everyone who needed to see it.
You overestimate our coworkers' willingness to read notes.
*sigh* You've got a point.
Comic #1452
January 31 2015
MOUSEOVER TEXT: yeah, abby, way to be sex-negative
I would guess that "weenie" as an insult actually referred to hot dogs, except I can't see the connection there either.
I think "pussy" was used as a term for shy and timid people before it even meant anything except "cat," but there certainly has been influence from the other meaning.
TEXT OF COMIC:
Here, try these.
Sour candies? No, I don't want acid burns on my tongue.
Try them. Don't be a weenie.
"Weenie?" I have never heard you say that insult before.
I'm going to from now on. I like it.
Why on earth would you like it?
It's the single exception to the rule that only FEMALE genitalia are invoked for calling people cowardly and weak.
I'd rather you not use genitals as insults at all, but okay?
Comic #1453
February 1 2015
MOUSEOVER TEXT: they're having a groundhog-day-eve celebration
"Crap. Even when my minions are obedient, they may be doing it to manipulate me."
TEXT OF COMIC:
Hey, Hans! How's the cake coming?
Abby, this recipe calls for baking powder but we only have baking soda. I'm going to the store.
Oh, calm down, Hans. Just use baking soda. It's practically the same thing.
I don't think so, Abby. If they were interchangeable, why would they both even be sold?
They just are. Do it.
I don't want to run the risk of ruining the cake. I think I'll go to the store.
No, you won't. Use the baking soda.
Hans, the way to deal with Abby is to always do everything she says.
Because she'll beat you up otherwise?
Because then when things go wrong, it's ALWAYS her fault.
Comic #1454
February 7 2015
MOUSEOVER TEXT: tickly-trillo-mania
TEXT OF COMIC:
I went to my psychiatrist today.
How did it go?
He thinks I have trichotillomania now.
You mean that disorder where you compulsively pull your hair out?
Yeah, except I don't. I pull out eyelashes, but only when I feel that tickly sensation that indicates some of them are loose. My mom saw me doing it once, and she convinced my shrink that it's compulsive behavior.
Apparently you are supposed to leave your eyelashes alone, even when they're loose, and wait until they fall out on their own and end up stuck in your eyes--- because keeping your eyelashes as lush and abundant as possible is more important than any form of convenience or comfort.
And meanwhile, Cathy spends an hour in the bathroom every day tweezing perfectly healthy, non-loose hairs out of her EYEBROWS, and she's normal.
Life would be so much easier for you if people were consistent in their definition of mental health, huh?
Maybe I should make a wish on an eyelash.
Comic #1455
February 8 2015
MOUSEOVER TEXT: you have to become fluent in German, French, Italian and Romansh.
Abby's plots to take advantage of US laws always seem to assume that the laws are enforced equitably and consistently. She's in for a big disappointment.
TEXT OF COMIC:
This country is falling apart. I'm moving to Switzerland.
I do wish it were easier to do that.
What? It's totally easy! The US government will even give you a free ride!
What?
All you have to do is destroy your passport, birth certificate and other documentation...
That doesn't sound like a way to travel to another country.
Let me finish. You become fluent in the language, for purposes of believability...
Believability?
So that when you go to Immigration Services and confess to being an illegal immigrant from Switzerland, you'll be convincing.
Sadly, I think that would only work if you had brown skin and wanted to move to Mexico.
Comic #1456
February 14 2015
MOUSEOVER TEXT: the word 'beautiful' is looking weird to me now. i guess it stopped being beautiful.
Logic is highly attractive.
TEXT OF COMIC:
Happy Valentine's Day, baby!
Huh? Oh, it's you again.
Girl, you're beautiful!
That's a fairly unpopular opinion, but okay.
See, that's why you're so beautiful. Because you don't know it.
Except, you just told me. Now I know I'm beautiful. Therefore, by your logic, I'm not beautiful anymore.
Huh?
But now that I'm not beautiful anymore, it's impossible for me to know that I'm beautiful, so I stop knowing it, and thus I become beautiful again.
Look! I'm beautiful! Now I'm not! Now I am! Now I'm not! Does my ever-changing flux of beauty and ugliness turn you on, baby?
Um... I've got somewhere to go.
Happy Valentine's Day, doofus.
Comic #1457
February 15 2015
MOUSEOVER TEXT: coffee makes me jittery and shaky, but does not make me stay awake. I've tried.
The other day someone heard about all my various art and writing projects, and asked me if I ever sleep. I actually get more than eight hours most nights, and have trouble functioning if I get less. If I have more time for projects than most people, it's because of my lack of a social life.
TEXT OF COMIC:
Abby, are you asleep in my class?
Unnggh... Huh? What? Yes, I was.
Sorry. I only got six hours of sleep last night.
Six hours? That's not a lot for you? Abby, the average college student gets about three hours of sleep. Six hours is not an excuse to be sleeping in my class.
So you're saying that getting less than a healthy amount of sleep is not a reason for me to be sleepy, just because other college students have a MORE dangerously unhealthy lack of sleep?
If I was zoned out because I hadn't eaten in three days, would you ridicule me for my low hunger tolerance, because some anorexics come to class when they haven't eaten in a week? If I showed up drugged on cocaine, would you laugh at me because hardcore addicts can handle a lot more cocaine than I can?
It seems as if, by telling me that other people can handle more unhealthy behaviors than mine, you're trying to encourage me to jeopardize my health further.
I'm just saying, have you ever tried coffee?
Comic #1458
February 21 2015
MOUSEOVER TEXT: what is the opposite of the male gaze? the female lesbianze
Yes, go away.
TEXT OF COMIC:
What does this mean? "Have we eaten on the insane root that takes the reason prisoner?"
I think "the insane root" was referring to the mandrake, which was believed to drive people mad.
The only antidote that medieval herbalists could find was the daisy root.
Huh? I've never heard that.
Well, obviously they canceled each other out, because a daisy is the opposite of a mandrake.
Obviously?
Because a man-drake is a male duck, and Daisy is--
Go away.
Comic #1459
February 22 2015
MOUSEOVER TEXT: abby scares me sometimes
This is why my mom doesn't like to donate to United Way. She says that they divide up your money among lots of different charities, but if you specify that you DON'T want your money to go to, say, the Boy Scouts (because of their various discriminatory policies), United Way will not actually give any less money to the Boy Scouts; they will give them the same amount, and just say that a greater amount of it came from some other donor who didn't specify which charities to give how much to.
I suppose, if enough of their donors made that specification, they would be forced to actually reduce the amount, but at the moment they have such a huge number of donors that they don't have to worry about that.
TEXT OF COMIC:
I'm making a blog post announcing that I'm selling self-printed copies of some of my short stories. I'm hoping a ton of my fans order them.
Well, it's possible, I guess.
I'm saying that if I sell at least twenty, I'll use the proceeds to donate $45 the local art center.
You donate $45 to the art center every year.
But this year it'll be FROM THE PROCEEDS of my sales.
How do you define what money you're using to make your donation? It's not like you're using physical cash.
Things that are impossible to define make great advertising.
Comic #1460
February 28 2015
MOUSEOVER TEXT: the name 'andrew' means 'disgusting man,' from the prefix 'andr' and the suffix 'ew'
lycanthropy is not to be confused with lichanthropy, which refers to a human who turns into a lichen
TEXT OF COMIC:
Is a "philanderer" a guy who sleeps with a lot of women?
Yeah, that's usually how the word is used. Why?
Well, it's weird, because if I recall my ancient prefixes and suffixes, "philanderer" literally means "someone who loves men." A lover of women would be called a "philgynoer."
Well, considering the type of sleeping around that was common in ancient Greece, I'm not surprised at that etymology. Does "philanthropist" come from a more gender-neutral term for humankind?
Yeah. Philanthropy is a love of humanity, while misanthropy is a hatred for it, similar to misogyny, the hatred of women, and misandry, the hatred of men.
So "mis" means "hate" and "phil" means "love"?
Yeah, I think so.
What if you're in between those two extremes?
Then I've got like-anthropy.
Comic #1461
March 1 2015
MOUSEOVER TEXT: the doodles are of Abby walking up and biting the professor
I think there was an art exhibit once that included a live snake... I remember some controversy about the ethics of putting it on display like that and calling it art. (But, of course, even if that art project did escape the confines of its exhibit, it wouldn't WALK up and bite anyone.)
TEXT OF COMIC:
Apparently, my professor didn't like the doodles I did in the margins of this quiz.
Hah, your professor wouldn't know art if it walked up and bit him.
Have you ever thought about how strange that saying is?
I mean, we describe a person's ignorance of something by saying "He wouldn't know it if it walked up and bit him." And, almost invariably, we say this about things that would NEVER, under any normal circumstances, walk up and bite someone.
So really, it's not a very strong statement about someone's ignorance! Of COURSE he wouldn't know art if it walked up and bit him... because art DOESN'T DO THAT, and by the very act of walking up and biting him, it has made itself COMPLETELY UNRECOGNIZABLE!
I dunno. Given the staggering variety of things that are called art, I wouldn't be surprised if one of them did bite somebody.
Comic #1462
March 7 2015
MOUSEOVER TEXT: at least she didn't call her number two
After much chiding, Abby finally took the card back and changed "no" to "some." However, Norma found the message "You're someone" to be rather unimpressive. So Abby, by way of strengthening her support, changed "some" to "all" (but, in her haste, sadly forgot the second L).
TEXT OF COMIC:
Hi, Norma. Are you okay?
Yeah, just tired and bored.
Here's a card to cheer you up.
Ummm...what does this say, exactly?
It says "You're number one!" That's an expression that indicates my respect and esteem for--
I know what "You're number one!" means. But when you write it down, you are not supposed to abbreviate the word "number" to "no." Or at least, if you do, you should capitalize it and put a period after it, and use the numeral 1 instead of writing out "o-n-e."
Thanks for the spelling lesson, ingrate.
I only mention it because I know you did this on purpose.
Comic #1463
March 8 2015
MOUSEOVER TEXT: miry rim
I can taste one vile drop of alcohol through the sweetest fog of fruitiness. No way is anyone getting me drunk without me knowing it.
TEXT OF COMIC:
Ecch. Norma, what did you put in the dishwasher with these glasses?
Why? Is something wrong?
I'm trying to drink delicious orange juice, but the rim of the glass tastes horrible.
You know how alcoholic drinks are vile bitter chemical-tasting crap, so they are sometimes served with sugar around the rim in a futile attempt to offset their horribleness?
I'm not sure everyone would agree with that description, but okay?
Well, this glass is the reverse. It's full of sweet fruity goodness, but it tastes like you dipped the rim in something disgusting like vodka.
Smirnoff on rims!
I hope you didn't do this just so you could make that palindrome, Ron.
Comic #1464
March 14 2015
MOUSEOVER TEXT: another kind of roid rage
If it's an iPhone instead of an Android, it means nothing spelled backwards.
If it's an iPod, spell it backwards and get "Dopi."
If it's an iPod Nano, you get "Onan Dopi."
(...which I guess is the name of one of the Seven Dwarves who was punished by God for refusing to impregnate his sister-in-law?)
TEXT OF COMIC:
If you spell "android" backwards, you get "Dior DNA."
Hmm.
Does that mean that people who wear expensive designer clothes are nothing more than mindless robots with no true human genetics?
It means that, on a fundamental level, your expensive smartphone is equivalent to other types of fashion accessories.
Noooooooooo!
Comic #1465
March 15 2015
MOUSEOVER TEXT: Abby, really. Don't WAIT for someone to poop on the floor. Take action! Be the change you want to see in the world!
Would the sign permit flushing a baby down the toilet, if you gave birth to it? (It's arguable whether the baby emerged from a different hole from where it went in. Half of the genetic material that started its growth went in through the same hole where the baby came out... but the other half was inside to begin with... and most of the baby's actual body mass was formed from food that entered through your mouth.)
TEXT OF COMIC:
In the bathroom in the science building, there's a sign saying "Don't flush anything except toilet paper."
I'm sure they just mean not to flush pads and tampons, but I'm still waiting for someone to poop on the floor in response to that sign.
Hmm. Yeah, they could have worded it more clearly.
One old bathroom in the dining hall used to be too broken to even handle toilet paper, and it had a sign saying "If it didn't come out of your body, don't put it in the toilet." But that's got a loophole too. Tampons come out of your body.
But they don't originate in your body.
Neither do your bodily wastes. They enter your body at the other end, in the form of food and beverages. Your body doesn't create them, it just alters them.
Hmm. How would you define the distinction? "If it didn't come out of your body FROM A DIFFERENT HOLE than it went in, don't flush it here"?
But that prohibits vomiting in the toilet.
If vomiting in toilets were prohibited, maybe fewer people at this college would get obnoxiously drunk all the time.
I doubt it. They'd just vomit in worse places.
Comic #1466
March 21 2015
MOUSEOVER TEXT: Plural of Dracula is Draculae, of course.
Pegasus's birth was kind of like Athena's, except instead of being born from Zeus's head, he came out of Medusa's neck when her head was cut off. Apparently, C-sections are performed a lot higher up on mythological figures.
TEXT OF COMIC:
Abby, we need your language expertise.
What is the plural of "Pegasus"? Is it "Pegasuses" or "Pegasi"?
There is no plural, because in mythology, Pegasus was the name of ONE specific winged horse, so calling every winged horse "a Pegasus" is kind of like calling every vampire "a Dracula."
Yeah, but we're writing a story where Pegasus builds a time machine and meets his future self, so we really need to talk about two of him.
You guys have problems no one should have.
Comic #1467
March 22 2015
MOUSEOVER TEXT: not pictured: turian gray, quarian gray, and christian gray
I once took a class called "Intercultural Communication" where the professor brought in a frozen durian for us to eat in little cups. I was okay with the first few bites, but I couldn't finish my piece. (Intercultural communication is especially difficult for us finicky eaters.)
TEXT OF COMIC:
(grayscale drawing of a durian)
The Portrait of Durian Gray
I use this picture instead of deodorant. It smells progressively worse and worse, while I am magically odorless all the time.
I agree that your art stinks.
Comic #1468
March 28 2015
MOUSEOVER TEXT: if it's fiction, then by definition it didn't happen in THIS universe
Maybe it's a cast of space starlings.
TEXT OF COMIC:
I never understood why a movie having an "all-star cast" is a good thing.
Why would I want to see a movie containing faces I recognize? Even worse, faces I recognize in ALL the significant roles?
It's hard enough to suspend my disbelief that this movie's main character just happens to look exactly like George Clooney, without also having to swallow the fact that his best friend looks like Brad Pitt and his ex-wife looks like Julia Roberts!
It's so staggeringly improbable, and none of the characters ever even MENTION the fact that they're freakish celebrity lookalikes? What, does this take place in some sort of alternate universe?
All fiction does, Abby.
Comic #1469
March 29 2015
MOUSEOVER TEXT: did you know there was a 1976 king kong movie too?
You know this comic is good, because you think of the characters as "Abby and Norma," instead of the collections of pixels on your computer screen that are playing their roles.
TEXT OF COMIC:
Did you know the character who was captured by King Kong was not actually named Fay Wray?
Um...
Her name was Ann Darrow. Fay Wray was the ACTRESS who PLAYED her in the original 1933 film!
I've been lied to all this time! Everyone talks about King Kong climbing up the Empire State Building with Fay Wray in his hand, and that's not even her name!
And that's not the worst of it. This happens with all sorts of actors! Nobody remembers the name of Bill Murray's character in "Groundhog Day." When people talk about that character, they just call him "Bill Murray."
People talk about "the movie where Robin Williams is Matt Damon's mentor," or "the movie where Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt are assassins hired to kill each other." No they're not! They are playing CHARACTERS who are!
But people don't always replace characters' names with the actors' names when they talk about movies. Sometimes they do the reverse, like "I went to the science fiction convention and Spock was there."
Yes, but that only happens when the character is actually COMPELLING enough that people remember his name. Which is rare.
And happens predominantly in science fiction and fantasy?
The only forms of art with any good characters, obviously.
Comic #1470
April 4 2015
MOUSEOVER TEXT: Awww.
Actually, it's not really a 'pattern,' just a series of numbers as random-looking as you can get while still having the series '00, 01, 02...' and '10, 11, 12...' and '20, 21, 22...' all occur in numerical order within the series of numbers.
I'd love to do this with the prescriptions at my pharmacy, but I'm the one who puts them in order, so I'd just be pranking myself.
TEXT OF COMIC:
Whaaaaaat is going onnn??
Huh? Why are you squawking at me?
Okay, so there was this stack of a hundred pages of something, labeled from 0 to 99, that I was supposed to put in numerical order.
Yeah?
And they were arranged totally randomly, right? And I started like I usually do when I organize those things, I sorted them out into ten piles-- the zeros, tens, twenties, thirties and so on.
Uh-huh.
But then when I went to organize the ones within each pile, they were already in order! All of them!
Even though it had all started out random, and I hadn't been putting them on the piles in any particular order, just the same random order they'd been stacked in to begin with.
How did that HAPPEN?
Seems very unlikely.
Unless someone had previously gone through the stack and reorganized them according to some pattern like "20, 50, 00, 90, 51, 40, 21, 01, 22, 60, 10, 52, 30, 41, 11, 70, 31, 61, 12, 02, 71, 80, 42, 91, 62, 32, 72, 81, 82, 92..." that would SEEM random to you.
Someone?
Someone.
You know, that's the first not-totally-malicious prank you've ever played on me.
It's an April Fool's Day miracle.
Comic #1471
Apr 5 2015
MOUSEOVER TEXT: yay story arc
Happy spring.
TEXT OF COMIC:
Great, we're back to dead-baby season.
I haven't seen any dead baby birds yet.
You will.
But at least it's better than finding an abandoned LIVE baby bird and raising it to adulthood, only to find that it's bonded to humans and won't leave.
And then having it confiscated and euthanized by the authorities, because songbirds are legally protected from being killed or kept as pets, and for some reason it's easier to make an exception to the "killed" part than the "kept as pets" part.
Is there ever anything that can drag you out of your morbid swamp of despair?
Cheer up, Abby! It's springtime! I found a BIRD!
Eeep!
Comic #1472
Apr 5 2015
MOUSEOVER TEXT: cross between odin and one of his ravens
Someone on starlingtalk.com found and raised a bird that was born with no eyes at all. Genetics is full of weird glitches and mutations, a few of which further the progress of evolution, but most of which greatly reduce the chance of passing on your genes.
(Which is why it gives me a headache when people say, "A person can't really have no sex drive / no desire to have children / etc. because it would make no evolutionary sense.")
TEXT OF COMIC:
What? No! I don't want a baby bird! Put it back in the nest!
The nest is in the top of a lamppost. I can't reach. Plus, I think the parents would throw him out. They probably threw him out the first time because of his eye.
Holy crap, you're right, it was born with one eye missing. Weird.
Eeep!
Yeah, I think the parents don't want that one back. Bird parents are really unforgiving when it comes to babies that have something wrong with them.
Should I put him back on the ground where I found him?
Arrrrgggh... Okay, I'll try to raise it. I'll do my best not to get attached before the cops break down my door and murder it.
I think I'll name it Polyphemus.
Poly for short. Does it want a cracker?
Eeep!
So much for not getting attached.
Comic #1473
April 11 2015
MOUSEOVER TEXT: they do. in one giant bite. CHOMP.
Yep, I'm giving Abby a pet starling, because I have a pet starling, and lately a lot of the funny things I think of have to do with starlings.
Does this make Abby even more of an author-insertion? Well, guess what: it turns out the only way to "write what you know" is to make all your characters author-insertions. So there.
TEXT OF COMIC:
Maybe this isn't too bad. From these pictures online, it looks like this bird is a starling.
In most US states, there's no law against keeping starlings as pets, because they're invasive pests and not protected by law.
Eeep!
Great, you've brought a pest into your home.
None of your beeswax. My dorm, my rules.
Actually the college's dorm, and the residence life office's rules. They don't allow pets here.
No pets? That's the worst thing I've ever heard!
We'll worry about that later. One problem at a time. What do baby starlings eat?
Eeep!
I hope they eat residence hall directors.
Comic #1474
April 12 2015
MOUSEOVER TEXT: well, 'chick' is a universal term for baby birds
Recipe from starlingtalk.com. Actually, the recommended formula for babies is here and the adult formula is here, but there are a lot of variations on both.
TEXT OF COMIC:
Okay, here's the starling food recipe I found online. It's really simple.
First you find a nice dog food or cat food. It should be high-protein and low-fat, and the first ingredient should be some type of meat, like chicken.
Should a bird really eat chicken?
Sure. He's no more closely related to a chicken than you are to a cow, Norma. Mammals aren't all the same, and neither are birds.
Then you mix in some chicken feed, the kind designed for egg-laying hens...
How can he eat chicken food if he's not related to a chicken?
Shut up. Then you add some powdered egg...
Chicken eggs?
And you blend it all to a powder in a food processor, mix it with water, and shove it down the throat of anyone who keeps asking questions about chickens.
Hey, I was just curious.
Who's a good little chickie? You are, Poultryphemus! Cluck-cluck-cluck.
Eeep!
Comic #1475
April 15 2015
MOUSEOVER TEXT: This is my maternal instinct too.
A starling's carbon footprint is one inch long with only four lil' toes.
TEXT OF COMIC:
That's my hungry little birdy-bird. Open up, now! Who wants another bite of yumminess? YOU do, Polyphemus sweetie! YOU do!
Eeep!
I can't believe it. Have you actually developed a maternal instinct?
What? I always had it. Just not for human babies.
How is a human baby any different from this? That bird is just as helpless. You have to feed him and clean up after him just as much.
But I'm not constantly tortured in the back of my mind about the concept of nurturing something that's already overabundant, destructive to the planet and dangerous to all other life.
Starlings are an overpopulated species too.
But just measure their teeny little impact against the amount of death and waste that a human causes by existing. A starling's nothing by comparison.
I think you like him better just because his poops are tiny and don't stink.
There is that, too.
Comic #1476
April 19 2015
MOUSEOVER TEXT: eating through an esophageal stoma on your neck would actually be safer than eating with your mouth; no choking risk.
I doubt I could have raised my starling if I'd found him as a baby. No pets allowed where I work.
TEXT OF COMIC:
Eesh, I am glad starlings become mature at a few months old. This thing needs feeding every freakin' hour that it's awake.
How do you even go to classes?
I hide it inside my shirt.
Abby, I have two questions: what sort of dog-food-smelling mush are you eating in my class, and why are you eating it through your shirt collar?
I've had esophageal surgery. My stoma is on my neck.
Eeep!
That noise is a normal side effect.
Comic #1477
April 25 2015
MOUSEOVER TEXT: you can guess at a a starling's sex by the eye color, but you can't be sure until its beak changes color in mating season.
Not sure about Abby's conclusion. Genitals tend to be called "it" too.
TEXT OF COMIC:
Wow, this bird has grown a lot in the few weeks I've had it.
Eeep!
Are you still calling the bird "it"?
Well, I'd feel weird calling it "him" or "her" when I don't know if it's male or female.
But isn't it kind of disrespectful to use "it" for a living creature that you care about?
Why would it be? We use "it" for all the greatest and most powerful things in existence. Gravity. Space. Time. Art. Love. Life. Death. War. Peace. The UNIVERSE.
But not for anything that has actual intelligence.
Are you sure? What pronoun do you use for the word "mind" or "brain"-- the only part of you that possesses intelligence at all?
Hmm, interesting point.
"It" doesn't indicate the lack of consciousness, just the lack of genitals.
Are you saying your bird lacks genitals?
It might, for all I know.
Comic #1478
apr 26 2015
MOUSEOVER TEXT: if I can't have binocular vision then neither can you
People have gone to the emergency room with scratched corneas because of this. Watch your eyes when you're around a starling. (Well, okay, you can't literally watch your eyes, but you know what I mean.)
TEXT OF COMIC:
Wow. Poly won't sit still. He keeps poking his beak into every space between my fingers, like he thinks he'll find food in there or something.
Starlings are incredibly curious birds. They explore any crevice they can find. They're also fascinated by moving objects and shiny things...
Ow!
...Like human eyes. Sorry, I should have warned you.
Eeegggh. Ow. Well, at least he thinks they're pretty?
Or maybe he's just jealous of anyone having more eyes than he does.
Comic #1479
may 2 2015
MOUSEOVER TEXT: Always wondered why they gave a vicious barbarian cyclops that name.
TEXT OF COMIC:
My god! Have you heard your starling today?
Yeah, he found his singing voice! He hasn't stopped all afternoon!
He'd better tone it down if he doesn't want the hall director to find out you've got a bird in here.
He sounds like three or four birds making noise at once.
Wikipedia says the name "Polyphemus" means "abundance of songs and legends."
Nice. I named him that for the missing eye, but I guess it works on another level too.
Let me know when he starts reciting legends.
He might. Starlings are great mimics of human speech, too.
FRELL YOU!
You just HAD to let him watch Farscape with you, huh.
Rygel is his favorite character.
Comic #1480
may 3 2015
MOUSEOVER TEXT: the alien invasive species
Abby was just waiting for Poly to learn some swear words so she could make that joke. I guess "Frell" will have to do.
TEXT OF COMIC:
FRELL YOU!
FRELL YOU!
Calm down, little dude. There are children present.
FRELL YOU!
Look, you don't have to be as rude as Rygel from Farscape, just because you eat all the time like him.
And poop all the time like him.
And want ALL the attention like him.
And... um, you're a starling, and he's got the same name as a star.
Yeah.
FRELL YOU!
You know, you really put the "vulgar" in "Sturnus vulgaris."
You should've named him Rygel.
Comic #1481
may 9 2015
MOUSEOVER TEXT: and his understanding of that fact demonstrates his intelligence
His exclamation of "FRELL YOU!" was not in response to Abby's assertion that anecdotes don't constitute proof of avian intelligence; rather, it was in response to this whole conversation about him in third person when he was right there. How rude!
TEXT OF COMIC:
Hi, Abby!
Hi!
Is that bird really only a month old? I swear he looks totally different from a few days ago.
I know, right? They grow so fast in the first few months. I wonder when he'll start getting his adult plumage.
Hi, Norma!
Hi, Polyphemus! Wow! Does he always use words so appropriately?
He has his moments. Talking birds can get really good at associating words with their meanings and using them in the proper contexts.
They must be incredibly smart for such teeny brains.
It's hard to tell. Birds have been taught to do all sorts of intelligent-looking tasks, like identifying objects by their appearance and quantity.
But training an animal is kind of like programming a computer, establishing a certain output for a certain command. There are computer programs that can count and identify objects, or use words relevantly. It doesn't mean those computer programs are sentient.
The most compelling evidence for bird intelligence is in the little one-time flukes, the things that aren't scientifically reproducible.
Like the time Alex the African Grey parrot looked in the mirror and asked "What color?" when he'd never been taught to ask questions... and then, when he heard the answer "Grey," he knew it and could identify grey objects from then on.
Most of the clearest signs of consciousness are little, anecdotal things like that. I believe in their importance, but I know they don't constitute any kind of proof, from a scientific perspective.
FRELL YOU!
I dunno, he seems really good at fitting his comments into the conversation.
"Frell you" fits pretty well anywhere.
MOUSEOVER TEXT: and his understanding of that fact demonstrates his intelligence
Patreon!
May 11 2015
If you don't feel like clicking on Abby's face, try clicking on this link:
https://www.patreon.com/abbyandnorma
Or this one, if you have more questions about Patreon and how it works:
https://patreon.zendesk.com/hc/en-us/categories/200359925-Patrons
TEXT OF COMIC:
What are we doing here on a Monday? We're a WEEKEND comic. It says so right up there.
This is a special strip--- that's why you're suddenly capable of breaking the fourth wall. Enjoy it while you can.
So, I've heard there's a possibility of us coming back for more days a week. There is a possibility of NOT having to be a weekend comic forever.
And there's also a possibility that we might get drawn---
Drawn and quartered?
NO, we might get DRAWN more often, in actual arty strips, instead of just copied and pasted.
Like that colored-pencil strip where you went to the con with Ron? That might become a regular thing?
Maybe. It depends on how much support the Patreon gets.
Patreon?
It's a way for fans to become patrons of the arts. With money. In the form of monthly donations.
Monthly?
Yes. It's like having a period, except you're shedding the lining of your WALLET.
Ugh! You don't get to make analogies anymore. It's like being a werewolf, except you transform into a... a person who gives money to Erika.
YOU don't get to make analogies anymore. Anyway, it's monthly.
And Erika will use the donations to improve this comic. In various ways.
But it can be as little as one dollar a month, and you can easily stop your donations at any time. You don't have to commit to a certain number of months.
If you just want to donate once, you can sign up and then end your subscription after the first deduction has been made.
And there are gifts for donating. Like a poster, a computer wallpaper, books and commissions, and your name and website on the supporter page, and stuff.
AND the gift of SEEING THE FUTURE. Donating $5 a month gets you access to the next strip before it posts.
Yes! So click on my face and go check out the Patreon!
Why your face? They can technically click anywhere on this jpeg.
My face is the most awesome part.
Well, I agree it's more awesome than some of your speech balloons.
Comic #1482
May 10 2015
MOUSEOVER TEXT: Aw, c'mon, no one's too young for Tumblr.
Here's something I wrote about the phenomenon of otherkin. Yes, it's weird, but there's really no point in ridiculing it by saying it's "not real." Just because something isn't what you think it is, that doesn't mean it isn't a real something.
TEXT OF COMIC:
Is he old enough that we have to let him go now?
We can't really let this bird go, Sharon.
I've been reading up on it. When people raise a starling and release it, either it refuses to leave, or it flies away and comes right back. If it doesn't come back to its owner's place, it keeps annoying the neighbors by landing on their shoulders and stuff.
A starling has to grow up with others of its species, if it's gonna learn to be a bird. If it grows up with humans, it thinks it's a human, and it can never live as a starling.
So Polyphemus is basically a human trapped in a starling body?
Kind of. I mean, he's trapped in a starling brain, too, so he can't think quite the same way as a human. But he considers humans his own kind. He identifies as a human.
So he's a humankin?
Yeah, and you need to stop reading my Tumblr dash when I'm not looking.
Comic #1483
May 16 2015
MOUSEOVER TEXT: the treats are dried mealworms from the reptile section of the pet store
Abby didn't actually tell any lies here. She does not have a dirty, parasite-ridden wild bird (Polyphemus takes about eight baths a day, has been checked and cleared of feather-mites, and is very tame). The hall director is seeing and hearing things (how real those things are is not the question). And Abby really is glad that he's leaving to see a doctor, because she was worried about him (though perhaps not for the reason he thinks).
I don't think Polyphemus told any lies either (though his definition of "service animal" may be a stretch).
TEXT OF COMIC:
I'm here about some complaints I've been hearing about your dorm.
Hmm?
There are rumors that you've been keeping some sort of dirty, parasite-ridden wild bird.
Nothing of the sort in here. Someone has been imagining stuff.
Abby, it's sitting right there. I can see it and hear it.
Then you're seeing things and hearing things. I suggest you go to a doctor and get your eyes and ears checked.
I don't need to remind you that all pets except service animals are strictly forbidden in this building.
Actually, I am Abby's service animal.
Abby suffers from social disabilities.
She is not comfortable talking to you.
So I talk for her.
Please direct all questions to me.
I....
Um....
Can we reschedule this conversation? I have to make a doctor's appointment.
Good to see you looking after your health. I was worried about you.
How on earth did you train him to say all that?
The trick is to train each phrase separately, with its own subtle command gesture and surreptitiously-awarded treat.
*crunch*
*crunch*
Comic #1484
may 17 2015
MOUSEOVER TEXT: is a toy bird still allowed if it poops real bird poop?
Teach a bird a phrase, and he uses it for a lifetime. You made your bed, Abby.
TEXT OF COMIC:
So their official conclusion is that I have some sort of elaborate fake bird that replays recordings that are way too complex for a real bird to learn.
There's no rule against weird toys in dorms, so they're gonna leave me alone. That'll be nice.
You have the most bizarre life of anyone I know.
Abby suffers from social disabilities!
Of all the phrases I taught you to mess with that hall director, you had to latch onto THAT one as your new favorite?
Frell you.
Comic #1485
May 23 2015
MOUSEOVER TEXT: this is somewhat based on a phase of my own childhood
When telling a child "Equality is good," always remember to add the disclaimer "Unless it involves considering other animals equal in value to humans; then you'll probably end up considering the human species to be a bunch of mass-murdering monsters and rooting for anyone who wants to kill them."
TEXT OF COMIC:
Ugh, I was a big fan of this author, but look at this totally racist thing she wrote twelve years ago.
I dunno. Twelve years is a long time. Did you know I was a big fan of Joseph Stalin twelve years ago?
What?
Yeah, I liked him more than I liked Hitler, because he killed more people.
You were a seriously messed-up teenager.
Well, it's because some of the adults in my life had made the mistake of teaching me that all life was sacred and equality was good.
Um, that should have made you NOT a fan of Stalin and Hitler.
No, because I had a literal mind that deduced things through actual logic.
Huh?
My reasoning was, if all life is equally sacred, then people who exterminate bugs or raise animals for meat are no better than genocidal dictators. And nearly all humans either do those things, or knowingly benefit from people who do.
So therefore, genocidal dictators who kill humans are heroes, because they are exterminating the species that's doing most of the genocide, thus preventing much more death than they cause.
My logic was perfect; I'd just been given the wrong premises to reason from.
Remind me never to teach my children about equality without including a LOT of disclaimers.
Comic #1486
May 24 2015
MOUSEOVER TEXT: cow nipples are the only ones valued for their biological purpose
This was inspired by seeing the March 2015 issue of People magazine at a checkout lane, with Kelly Clarkson and her topless underage daughter, River Rose, on the cover. (After the shock of seeing naked baby boobs, my next reaction was admiration for Clarkson's choice to name the kid after two Doctor Who companions.)
TEXT OF COMIC:
Men's nipples are totally family-friendly.
Women's nipples are pornographic and totally unacceptable for public viewing.
Teenage or pre-teen girl nipples are child pornography, and punishable by years in prison.
Infant girl nipples, somehow, are totally family-friendly again.
It's just more proof that men are equivalent to babies.
The world of taboos is a very weird place.
Comic #1487
May 31 2015
MOUSEOVER TEXT: obviously
Writing this in March, on the assumption that there will still be cold days around the end of May. In Minnesota, not an an unreasonable assumption, but still not entirely guaranteed.
TEXT OF COMIC:
Brr, it may be spring, but it's still not really warm out. The cold from this bench is creeping into my butt.
Well, technically you should say "the heat is creeping out of my butt into the bench," since heat is actually something, and cold is just the absence of it.
Why do we have to think of it that way? Cold and heat are both conditions of a piece of matter. Heat is when the matter's particles are moving fast, and cold is when they are moving slow. Why is one of those "something" and the other not?
You can say "The wave of fast particle-motion is traveling from the matter of my butt into the matter of the bench," but you could equally say "The wave of slow particle-motion is traveling from the matter of the bench into the matter of my butt." Semantically, there's no reason why "quickness" and "slowness" can't both be nouns.
Except that heat is energy, so it can ALSO take the form of infrared light and travel through a vacuum where there isn't any matter, and cold can't do that.
I'll consider that relevant to this situation when you can show me infrared beams shooting out of my butt.
Well, obviously I can't show you them because they're outside the visible spectrum.
Comic #1488
may 31 2015
MOUSEOVER TEXT: I'm not the first person to think of finding a meaningful interpretation for those words, but that's ok because Chomsky's whole point was that it doesn't matter whether something has been said before
TEXT OF COMIC:
Environmentalists have come up with many innovative ideas to make our lives more green and eco-friendly.
But, due to the inherent boringness of talking about the weather, people see these ideas as drab and dull compared to more colorful issues like Gamergate and gay marriage.
This lack of interest has subdued the influence of environmentalism, forcing brilliant and important discussion into an unnatural slumber as other topics take central stage.
But however much they try to keep us dormant, we and our ideas are so full of fury, rage and righteous indignation toward our oppressors that, someday, we MUST awaken!
So you're telling me that colorless green ideas sleep furiously?
Something of the sort.
Comic #1489
jun 6 2015
MOUSEOVER TEXT: same goes for prince valium in spaceballs, but i think he'd barely notice
In "Robin Hood, Men in Tights," it seemed to imply that the preacher saying "I now pronounce you man and wife" was what made the marriage legal.
I have no idea what the actual laws were back then, though.
TEXT OF COMIC:
It's kind of ridiculous, isn't it, when movies show someone stopping a wedding seconds before the vows are spoken?
Yeah.
Because what makes the wedding legal is signing the marriage certificate, which happens either before or after the vows, so stopping the vows themselves does nothing.
It used to, though. Back when the church ran everything, saying the vows was what made the marriage legal.
Yeah. But even that has its problems.
I mean, there's this movie trope where the Bad Guy is trying to force the Girl Love Interest to marry him, you know? And the preacher's like "dude, do you take her" and Bad Guy is like "Yeah I do," and then he's like "girl, do you take him" and then the Good Guy shows up and stops the whole thing.
Hmm.
So, if the vows are what have legal weight, the girl is free, 'cause she didn't promise anything. But the Bad Guy SAID his vow, so he is now legally bound to be forever faithful to her, even if she goes away and never sees him again! In your FACE, Bad Guy!
I have to say I had never considered that implication.
Comic #1490
jun 7 2015
MOUSEOVER TEXT: no she wouldn't
Cutting newspaper to fit those floors is gonna be a hassle.
TEXT OF COMIC:
You know, that bird is gonna need a cage soon. He's learning to fly, and he can't sleep in a cardboard box forever.
Cages are expensive, though.
Yeah, they are. What are you gonna do?
Eh, I'll improvise something with dowels and chicken wire.
(picture of cage made out of dollhouse)
Your mom would be proud.
Eeep!
Comic #1491
June 13 2015
MOUSEOVER TEXT: the tell must go on
The idea that scenes of violence and death should happen offstage is actually a tradition going back to ancient Greek plays. Shakespeare followed that rule more often than most present-day films, but still not much. Romeo and Juliet, for instance, has LOTS of onstage killing.
TEXT OF COMIC:
"Show, don't tell" takes on a whole new meaning if you're making a movie, or a TV show, or a play.
When writing a story, "showing" means "describing in a vivid way." But in performance art, "showing" is LITERALLY showing, and no matter how vividly you have a character describe something, it's not as good as if you actually put it onstage.
So why do you think Shakespeare never showed Ophelia's death, and instead had Gertrude describe it?
Well, Shakespeare wasn't making a movie, something to be filmed once perfectly and kept forever. He was writing for the stage, where the quality of each performance depends on the skill of those who play the parts and design the set.
He was trying to make sure that the scene stayed beautiful in every incarnation, by putting it into words, the one variable of the play that he had total control over.
'Cause I bet Elizabethan special effects SUCKED.
I guess so.
Comic #1492
June 14 2015
MOUSEOVER TEXT: You could use the HTML code for your color, except you'd have to average out the colors on all your different body parts to get it.
I have lots of clearly visible veins and it is a constant reminder of the fragility and mortality of the machine that is my body.
TEXT OF COMIC:
Wow, this argument is getting intense.
What argument?
About ethnic representation in fiction. Some people disagree about whether a character in a book was intended to be Hispanic or Arab, because the author described him as having "olive skin."
I'm learning a lot about nuances and interpretations. I had always assumed "olive skin" meant tan sallow skin like mine that has a faint greenish tinge from the veins.
Huh, yeah... I guess when the blue of the deeper veins filters through the upper yellowish layers of your skin, it does give you a hint of olive green. But you've also got veins close to the surface that are visible in all their disturbing blueness.
Imagine if each of us had to talk about our skin color in exact, realistic detail.
I'd never be able to call myself "white." I'd have to say I'm... yellowish-greenish-pinkish-tan. With blue stripes.
Perhaps there'd be as many skin-color-based ethnic groups as there are people.
Comic #1493
June 21 2015
MOUSEOVER TEXT: yes Buffy is fanfic of Dracula, he even shows up in a few episodes
I don't know if Abby was making a connection between parasitism and fanfiction, or between parasitism and vampires, or just between two fascinating instances of nesting objects and worlds within worlds. When I wrote it, I was only thinking of the last of those, but Abby may be more contemplative than I am.
TEXT OF COMIC:
Okay, so "Fifty Shades of Grey" was adapted from a piece of fanfiction for "Twilight," right?
Yeah, I think so.
So apparently there's also a rumor that "Twilight" began as a piece of Buffy/Spike fanfiction.
I don't think that rumor is true, because "Buffy" stuck fairly close to the traditional ideas about vampires, and "Twilight" created a completely different mythos for them.
It would be weird if the author wrote "Buffy" fanfic and then deliberately changed all the stuff about how vampires work. Plus, I think she was actually quoted saying that she wasn't familiar with traditional vampire mythos. She probably never saw "Buffy."
Yeah, okay. But if it were true, it would be so cool!
Um... why?
Because, imagine if "Fifty Shades" is fanfiction of "Twilight," and "Twilight" is fanfiction of "Buffy," and "Buffy" is fanfiction of... I guess "Dracula"? It's a full four levels of nesting fanfics! It's as cool as parasites that have parasites that have parasites!
I'll... take your word for that being cool.
Comic #1494
June 27 2015
MOUSEOVER TEXT: they never call, they never write
I'm not sure hanging up a smartphone ever makes a "click" sound, actually. In fact, the phrase "hang up" seems altogether wrong for cellphones; it only really fits those ancient phones where you held the mouthpiece in one hand, and the earpiece was a separate thing that actually hung from a hook.
TEXT OF COMIC:
Hey, this is Abby. I was just wondering what my hours are for tomorrow. I lost my schedule.
We can't tell you that over the phone. You'll have to come in and ask in person.
That sucks. My shift could start anywhere from 8:00 a.m. to 1:00 p.m. I'm not waking up and dragging myself there at the crack of dawn just in CASE my shift starts then.
Well, there is no other option. It's against our employee privacy policy to give out work schedule information over the phone.
But, if I didn't show up on time, and I didn't call you to explain it, you would call me and say "You're supposed to be here." That's giving out work schedule information over the phone.
Yes, but when we call you, we have evidence that we're speaking with the right person, since we know what phone number we called.
So, okay, why don't we do this? I hang up, and YOU call me back, at the phone number that you have on file for ME. Then you know it's me, so you can tell me my hours.
*click*
...
...
...
Crap, they're not gonna call back, are they.
Your rational problem-solving was offensive to their corporate minds.
Comic #1495
June 28 2015
MOUSEOVER TEXT: every game of tic-tac-toe is a draw, because you draw every game. with pens and paper.
There's a tumblr meme that says, "The last two games that you played are now fused into one. What is it?" If you played the games discussed in this comic, it's black-jack-toe. Go design it now.
TEXT OF COMIC:
Isn't it bizarre that casinos consider "counting cards" at blackjack to be a form of cheating? I mean, it's just playing the game optimally.
You know how tic-tac-toe is a solved game? If you learn how to play it optimally, you'll never lose. Imagine if tic-tac-toe tournaments prohibited using that knowledge.
I'm not sure "tic-tac-toe tournaments" exist.
But, if they prohibited using the strategies that make you win or draw every game, what would you do? You'd have to consciously choose to make moves you knew were bad!
There's a difference between that and blackjack. Tic-tac-toe is so simple that it's practically impossible to FORGET how to win, once you've learned. So of course you'd have to consciously choose bad moves, if the good ones were forbidden.
But blackjack is so complicated that it's extremely hard to REMEMBER the optimal way of playing it. Counting cards is something you have to try hard at.
FOR MOST PEOPLE. But I bet there are SOME players out there who are so smart they would have to consciously choose to make bad moves in blackjack!
I think people who are that smart might not be interested in gambling in the first place.
You'd be surprised how patchy intelligence is.
Comic #1496
July 4 2015
MOUSEOVER TEXT: Strangely, those who advocate 'buying Made in America' are seldom the same people who advocate 'buying locally-made.'
Celebrate Indie Pendants Day! Buy all the indie pendants!
TEXT OF COMIC:
What's with all the necklaces?
Gonna sell them at the campus 4th of July party.
Why?
I made them. Right here in my dorm. What's more patriotic than buying locally-made jewelry from your own beloved hometown?
What says "I love my country" better than supporting the American dream of the successful small business, the enterprising entrepreneur?
...It's Indie Pendants Day.
Ah.
Comic #1497
July 5 2015
MOUSEOVER TEXT: the off button sets off an ACTUAL bomb in your head
I haven't actually seen the movie "Click," except for a few scenes. I think I was annoyed with it because I had written a story on the same premise when I was about eight. (But then a couple years after that, a Goosebumps book stole my idea, so by the time "Click" came out, that story premise was much too recycled to appeal to me anyway.)
No idea is too recycled for Abby and Norma, though.
TEXT OF COMIC:
Ugh, this is such a long day. I want to fast-forward through the rest of it, like in that movie "Click."
Okay. Here's a controller that can fast-forward time.
Wait, didn't you give me one of these before? And it didn't make any difference, because it fast-forwarded my thoughts too, so I didn't notice the speeding up?
Yeah, but this one works differently.
*click*
It still doesn't seem to be working.
Well, you remember the movie? The guy didn't just vanish from the moments he fast-forwarded through. There was still a version of him going around consciously doing stuff.
The only difference from normal life was that when he stopped fast-forwarding, he couldn't remember any of the stuff that version of himself had done.
So, the controller didn't actually affect time. All it really DID was set a time-bomb in his mind, to be triggered whenever he stopped "fast-forwarding," which would erase all his memories since he had started.
So don't worry. As soon as you get through the rest of this day and stop pushing the fast-forward button, you'll forget everything, and it'll feel like you just pressed the button and jumped forward to that moment.
Aw, man. So I still have to live through the rest of this day?
Not if you press the "Off" button.
Comic #1498
jul 5 2015
MOUSEOVER TEXT: techno is Siri's favorite type of music, too
When our starling Sirius talks, he remixes the syllables so much that there are hardly any whole words left.
TEXT OF COMIC:
Hi! Hello! Norma! I'm Abby's service... Frell you! Polyphee-ee--eemus!
Wow, little guy's certainly found his voice.
Polyphee-ee-ee-ee-eemus!
Did you teach him to say his name like that?
No way. I said it normally, and he changed it.
They say starlings tend to mix up the syllables in words they learn, and rearrange them for a bit of variety.
Great, a techno-artist bird remixing our every conversation. This is gonna be fun.
Polyphee-eemus! She is not comfortable talking to you! FRELL!
Comic #1499
jul 11 2015
MOUSEOVER TEXT: maybe someday i will have a story arc involving abby's dad. maaaybe.
I'm not sure whether the restaurant fears its employees giving biased positive reviews, or biased negative reviews. Depends on how they treat their employees, I guess.
TEXT OF COMIC:
I hope you enjoyed your meal! Here's your receipt. Visit our website and fill out a survey for a chance to win a gift certificate.
This says "Offer not open to our employees and their families."
Are you an employee or family member?
I don't know. You're a national restaurant chain, right? You've got branches in more than one state. I have lots of relatives. They don't all live near here, and I don't know what all of them do for a living.
Well, when we say "family member," we mean immediate family. Parents, children, siblings.
Do half-siblings count?
I think so, yes.
Well, my parents are divorced and we haven't heard from my dad in lots of years. For all I know, he could have a bunch more kids now, and they could ALL be working at one of your restaurants.
The reasoning behind the "employees and their families" exception is that our employees might fill out our surveys in a biased manner, and they might encourage their families to do the same. Pretty sure your responses would be unaffected by your estranged dad and his possible offspring.
But if I fill out the survey, don't I have to show proof that I'm not related to an employee?
No; how could you even prove that online?
Then how can you possibly hope to enforce this supposed rule of yours?
I think we just don't award the prize if we find out the person who won it was ineligible.
Ah, nice-- your employees and their families can leave as many biased comments as they want; they just won't be rewarded for it.
Luckily, spewing bullcrap on the internet is its own reward. I'm gonna have fun with this.
Give that back.
Comic #1500
July 18 2015
MOUSEOVER TEXT: buy a book! buy a t-shirt!
Thanks from the bottom of my heart to all of you who have kept "Abby and Norma" going this long. You are cool people.
TEXT OF COMIC:
(drawing of Abby, Norma, Hans, Ron, Sharon, Karen and Polyphemus holding up a huge sign saying "1500")
Comic #1501
July 19 2015
MOUSEOVER TEXT: it's not shaming if neither of them has any shame
I doubt Cathy would stop if Abby were to stop first, but the point is moot because neither one of them is willing to stop before the other does. You may consider one of them more virtuous, but the truth is they're equally stubborn.
TEXT OF COMIC:
I have a new boyfriend!
I'm busy, Cathy. Tell me about it on my lunch break, when you've broken up and started dating someone else.
Why are you so mean to me?
Me? Mean to you?
Yes. You make fun of me ALL the time. About having lots of boyfriends. About liking clothes and makeup. About being obsessed with dieting. About not being good at schoolwork.
Is there something wrong with having feminine interests and an active sex life? Is it my fault that I might have some eating disorders and I'm not the best student in the school? What do you gain by shaming me for the way I live my life?
Well, I-- Huh. You know what? I'm sorry. I do take it too far sometimes.
But you know this didn't all start with me looking down on the way you are, right? You know it started because YOU look down on ME for NOT being the way you are.
If you ever stopped shaming me for being heavier, smarter, less girly and less sexually active than you, I would immediately stop shaming you for being the opposite.
Well, I'm not gonna stop, because that would mean I let a fat, ugly, nerdy virgin get the last word.
Then I suppose we remain at an impasse.
Comic #1502
jul 19 2015
MOUSEOVER TEXT: there is a surprising amount of material for that comic
Now Abby has not only a pet starling, but a Bechdel-test-passing webcomic of her own. I might as well just call her Erika.
TEXT OF COMIC:
I'm starting a webcomic that will catalogue all the ways the Sally-Anne test for theory of mind can give inaccurate results, one by one.
(Drawing of two girls, one with a basket and one putting a marble into a box)
Anne, I'm going to the bathroom. Don't touch my stuff.
Whatever you say, Sally.
(Sally leaves, Anne moves the marble into the basket, Sally returns)
So, Sally, where are you going to look for your marble?
Why? Is it missing?
What ever would make you think that?
'Cuz if it is missing, the first place I'm gonna look is in your basket.
No, I just mean, where do you think it is?
You said "look for," and that's what you do when something isn't where it's supposed to be. If you meant "where do you think it is," why didn't you just say so?
You're supposed to deduce from context that I used "look for it" in the sense of "look while intending and fully expecting to find it, because you have no reason to believe it's gone."
Why would I expect you to use it in that sense when I've never heard ANYONE use it in that sense? Is this a test of whether I'm freakin' telepathic?
No, it's a theory-of-mind test, which I guess is kind of the same thing.
One common reason children get the wrong answer is that the psychiatrist says "where will she look for her marble" instead of "where will she think her marble is." Child psychiatrists apparently have very impaired theory of mind.
I give this comic a month before you run out of material and devolve into puns.
Comic #1503
July 26 2015
MOUSEOVER TEXT: why does this person care so much about a marble in the first place
I have no memory of when I took the Sally-Anne test, so I don't know whether the box and basket had lids, but if they didn't, it could conceivably have contributed to my failure.
TEXT OF COMIC:
(Drawing of two girls, one with a basket and one putting a marble into a box)
Anne, I'm going to the bathroom. Don't touch my stuff.
Whatever you say, Sally.
(Sally leaves, Anne moves the marble into the basket, Sally returns)
So, Sally, where do you think your marble is?
Your basket, obviously.
You have no way of knowing that.
Um, Anne, I'm right here. The instant I entered this room, I knew where my marble was, because that box and that basket are right out in the open, and neither of them have lids.
If you wanted to mess with my perception of where it was, you could at least have covered the containers.
I'm just asking, where DID you think it was, BEFORE you saw it?
Its location was so obvious that I didn't have TIME to think.
You're ruining this experiment.
Second reason a kid gets the wrong answer on this test: badly designed props.
Whatever you say, Abby.
Comic #1504
August 1 2015
MOUSEOVER TEXT: i don't suffer from social disabilities, i enjoy every moment
happy august
TEXT OF COMIC:
Abby suffers from social disabilities!
I am so sorry I ever taught you to say that.
Well, if you hadn't, they wouldn't have let you keep him.
Maybe that'd be better than listening to his racket all day.
When is he going to start rearranging words like you said he would?
No idea.
Abby suffers from POLYPHEEEEMUS!
There you go.
I swear that guy knows English better than we think.
Comic #1505
August 2 2015
MOUSEOVER TEXT: yes
I suppose if you acted out the scenario with lidded boxes and baskets, AND a doll habitat complete with rooms separated by walls and doors, you might be able to convey the correct message. But it might still be hampered by the fact that you're using dolls in the first place.
TEXT OF COMIC:
(Drawing of two girls, one with a basket and one putting a marble into a box)
Anne, I'm going to the bathroom. Don't touch my stuff.
Whatever you say, Sally.
(Sally leaves, Anne moves the marble into the basket, Sally returns)
So, Sally, where do you think your marble is?
Anne, I haven't even left the room yet. You called me back when I'd only stepped a few feet off to the side. I SAW everything you just did.
The fact that you were off to the side was supposed to SYMBOLIZE that you weren't close enough to see what I was doing.
What the crap is your problem?
Third reason children get the answer wrong on this test: carelessly placed dolls.
Are these in order of ridiculousness, or what?
Comic #1506
August 8 2015
MOUSEOVER TEXT: you just THOUGHT you were testing ME
Perhaps this is why autistic kids get the Sally-Anne test wrong. Other kids are so cruel to them, they already know from experience that if you leave your stuff unattended, the most likely assumption is that someone will have stolen it by the time you return.
TEXT OF COMIC:
(Drawing of two girls, one with a basket and one putting a marble into a box)
Anne, I'm going to the bathroom. Don't touch my stuff.
Whatever you say, Sally.
(Sally leaves, Anne moves the marble into the basket, Sally returns)
So, Sally, where do you think your marble is?
Anne, you're such a dirty sneak thief, I know you've stolen my marble before I even look. Of course it's in your basket.
Why did you leave me alone with it, if you knew what I was gonna do?
I was TESTING you.
Fourth reason for getting the wrong answer on this test: the child makes the quite reasonable assumption that Sally knows Anne well enough to predict her behavior.
I guess you can fail this test by having too MUCH theory of mind.
Comic #1507
August 9 2015
MOUSEOVER TEXT: could be why autism is more often diagnosed in boys
As a kid I actually WAS interested in dolls, but I preferred the dolls I made myself.
TEXT OF COMIC:
Hey, Sally!
Hey what?
What if I had a basket and you had a box, and you had a marble, and you put the marble in the box and went away, and then I moved the marble to my basket and you came back? Where would you think the marble was?
...Huh?
Fifth reason for failing the Sally-Anne test: it's too freakin' complicated for a kid to understand.
That's why you use dolls to explain it to them.
Which only works on dippy kids who happen to be interested in dolls.
Comic #1508
aug 9 2015
MOUSEOVER TEXT: i wonder if the makers of Farscape deliberately spelled nerd backwards to get dren
If there is an anime called "Goddamn! All Purpose Cultural Catgirl Nuku Nuku DASH!!!" and another one called "Butt Attack Punisher Girl Gautaman," I would not be surprised by one called "Tangler Gnome Mongrel Gnat."
TEXT OF COMIC
Ha, look at Poly eating those gnats right out of the air. He's a one-starling pest extermination team.
Pests eating pests, huh? What a tangled food web we live in.
Tangler gnome mongrel gnat.
That sounds like some nerdy anime title.
Nerdy DREN!
Now look. Ron has a new best friend, AND you've let your bird learn another Farscape swear word.
He LIKES the show, okay?
Comic #1509
August 16 2015
MOUSEOVER TEXT: they could do the Smarties test, but that would be too smart
Not sure if this is breaking the fourth wall, though. Even if these dolls (or pictures) are beginning to realize they are dolls (or pictures)... they still have no idea they're in a comic, and certainly no idea that that comic is WITHIN ANOTHER COMIC.
TEXT OF COMIC:
(Drawing of two girls, one with a basket and one putting a marble into a box)
Anne, I'm going to the bathroom. Don't touch my stuff.
Whatever you say, Sally.
(Sally leaves, Anne moves the marble into the basket, Sally returns)
So, Sally, where do you think your marble is?
That's a totally meaningless question. I can't think anything. We're not even real people. We're, like, pictures, or dolls or something.
We're supposed to represent real people. The question is, where WOULD you think the marble was, if we WERE real?
Why don't they just do this test with real people?
It shouldn't matter, because it's testing theory of mind, not the ability to recognize that dolls and pictures symbolize real people.
But if someone DOESN'T have that ability, they're not gonna understand this test, so it'll look like they don't have theory of mind even if they do.
You think too much for someone who's not real.
Sixth reason for getting the Sally-Anne test wrong: children's extreme literalism.
You're not supposed to break the fourth wall in comics.
Comic #1510
aug 16 2015
MOUSEOVER TEXT: General, we must now Sally forth
the next joke is gonna be some dirty pun about how "box" is slang for female privates and "basket" is slang for male privates, or something
TEXT OF COMIC:
(Drawing of two women in military uniforms)
Permission to speak freely, General?
We're off duty, Sally. You can call me Anne.
Your hairstyle isn't regulation.
No, but it's aesthetically pleasing.
Is aesthetics more important to you than military discipline?
Of course. Aesthetics is my middle name.
"Anne Aesthetics"?
GENERAL Anne Aesthetics.
I knew this would devolve into puns eventually.
Comic #1511
August 23 2015
MOUSEOVER TEXT: that one bite pays for ALL the times he bit my tongue.
Yes, this is a real thing that happens with starlings.
TEXT OF COMIC:
Oh no, I'm so sorry, little guy!
What's wrong?
I accidentally bit Polyphemus on the beak.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY BITE A BIRD ON THE BEAK?
Hey, it happens! He was sticking his beak in my mouth while I was eati-- AAGH! Poly, don't you ever LEARN?
It's not his fault that pre-chewed food is so much tastier.
Comic #1512
August 29 2015
MOUSEOVER TEXT: apples to apples and butts to butts
Apples and PCs, maybe...
TEXT OF COMIC:
I guess the problem with the Sally-Anne test is that comparing real life to this simple little scenario with dolls is like comparing apples and oranges.
True, although I think saying that comparing dissimilar objects "is like comparing apples and oranges" is like comparing apples and oranges.
Huh. What definition of "comparing apples and oranges" were you using in the second instance there?
What?
Because if you're using the traditional meaning--- saying that apples and oranges are not similar, so it's a bad comparison--- then you're saying "Comparing dissimilar things is NOT like comparing apples and oranges".
So you are implying that apples and oranges are not dissimilar things, thus they ARE similar, which is the opposite of your initial point.
But if you initially meant to say that apples and oranges ARE similar, then you're saying that it's a GOOD comparison; in other words, comparing dissimilar things IS like comparing apples and oranges.
But that would mean apples and oranges ARE dissimilar, which, again, contradicts your point.
You just basically came up with a new riff on the liars' paradox. Congratulations.
Um, thanks?
Comic #1513
August 30 2015
MOUSEOVER TEXT: 'pedophile' literally means 'someone who likes children'; think about that, you gross children-likers
C-sections are OK, because for some reason there's no law against forcing a child to touch a huge gaping wound in your abdomen.
TEXT OF COMIC:
Cathy, will you log onto the computer and look up "official definition of child molestation"?
Eew, that's a horrible thing to look up!
Yeah, that's why I want it on your search history instead of mine.
You're gross. Why do you want to look that up?
I'm curious. I have a suspicion that, by the letter of the law, that definition technically includes giving birth, because it involves forcing a child to touch your genitals.
So you're trying to prove the law doesn't make sense? That is so creepy when people look for excuses to disregard the laws against molesting children. I wouldn't have expected that even from you.
What? Yuck, no--- I'M looking for excuses to imprison people who think it's a good idea to give birth.
I'd be happy to travel back in time and convince your mother you're right.
Comic #1514
September 5 2015
MOUSEOVER TEXT: every Boy Scout must rate the probability of God's existence at no less than 84% at any time during his Scouthood
If those laws were ever enforced, every competent criminal in Arkansas would hire an atheist as his partner in crime: "Article 19, Section 1: No person who denies the being of a God shall hold any office in the civil departments of this State, nor be competent to testify as a witness in any Court."
I guess Abby's point applies to the truth or falsity of information, like whether evolution happened or whether there's a God, but it doesn't apply to the type of belief that deals in matters of opinion, like value judgements. If I say that I believe doing drugs is wrong, or tofu is delicious, or Enterprise was the worst series of Star Trek, I'm not assigning a probability to the truth of that statement. I'm just stating that it's the opinion I hold.
Then again, maybe all issues are matters of opinion, if opinion can include which definition of a word is the correct one. If my definition of "unicorn" could include a rhinoceros, my estimate of the probability of their existence goes way up. Same if my definition of "God" could include powerful forces like love and gravity, or the collective intelligence of life on Earth.
TEXT OF COMIC:
Belief is a weird thing.
We can never know anything with 100% certainty-- there's always some chance that all the evidence we've observed within our memory has been just some weird hallucination or illusion.
So whenever we say we believe some piece of information, we're really just saying that we assign it a certain probability.
There are degrees of belief. I'd say I believe about 98% that evolution happened. Climate change is about 95%, the existence of aliens is about 76%, and whether aliens have actually been to Earth is about 15%.
At the present moment, I rate the probability of God, the Devil, unicorns and Santa Claus all at about 4%. By most people's definition that probably makes me an atheist.
But what probability of existence do you have to assign to God in order to NOT be an atheist? 51%? 75%? 99%?
It can't be 100%, because 100% would be knowing that there's a God, and you can't even know with 100% certainty that your own hand isn't a figment of your imagination.
Well, it's good that having an exact definition of atheism is completely irrelevant to daily life.
It's not! There are official documents that require that definition in order to have any meaning! There are LAWS hinging on whether you're an atheist! At least five states prohibit atheists from holding public office! The BOY SCOUTS won't let you in if you're an atheist!
The Boy Scouts won't let me in anyways.
Comic #1515
September 6 2015
MOUSEOVER TEXT: happy Isis number
I've heard at least three pronunciations of "bonobo":
BONE-uh-boe
BAWN-uh-boe
buh-NOE-boe
Norma's is the first, and the absolute most fitting for the behavior of the bonobo species.
(That is, if you use the more recent definition of the verb "to bone," and not the earlier definition meaning "to remove the bones from.")
As for the word "beau," I've recently had the depressing experience of saying it and having a friend think it was some lower-class modern slang. I guess maybe he was confusing it with "bae"? Also I guess not everyone grew up on old Lucy Maud Montgomery novels like I did?
TEXT OF COMIC:
Ooh, there's another chocobo.
Whenever I hear the word "chocobo," I imagine it's something an angry girlfriend does.
Um...?
You know, because "beau" means "boyfriend." Choke a beau.
I wouldn't chocobo. I'd rather bonobo.
Argh, now I want EVERYONE to pronounce "bonobo" the way you do, because that pun was even better than mine.
Comic #1516
sep 6 2015
MOUSEOVER TEXT: happy strip 1516
'third bird' is even nicer 'cause it rhymes.
TEXT OF COMIC:
Polyphemus is starting to molt. Soon he'll have a white-spotted black belly, and then gradually he'll turn black with white spots all over.
FRELL YOU!
Hey, dude, she didn't say anything bad about you.
Aw, he's probably annoyed that I talked about him in the third person when he's right here.
Is it really the "third person" if he's a starling?
Well, if I said "third starling," that would imply the existence of a first and second starling, which you and I are not.
Hmm. That's an interesting grammatical paradox.
Which can be solved by you admitting that starlings are people too.
Abby suffers from social disabilities.
Comic #1517
September 13 2015
MOUSEOVER TEXT: Also not sure Hans is right about physicists hating linguists, but Abby can be a particularly annoying armchair linguist sometimes.
Not 100% sure Abby is right about the origin of the word, but it is the most intuitive conclusion.
TEXT OF COMIC:
Hans, explain to me the whole debate over whether we should say "centrifugal force" or "centripetal force."
Well, "centrifugal" literally means "fleeing the center," and "centripetal" literally means "seeking the center." The debate is over which of those definitions accurately describes the force in question.
But isn't that whole question beside the point?
Huh?
I mean, a centrifuge must have gotten that name because the matter inside it moves away from the center.
And I'm pretty sure the noun "centrifuge" existed before the adjective "centrifugal."
And so the term "centrifugal force" isn't even supposed to mean "force that flees the center"-- it's supposed to mean "the type of force that is found inside a centrifuge."
See, Abby, this is why physicists hate linguists.
Comic #1518
September 19 2015
I'm annoyed that my spellchecker tries to correct "roundabout" to "round about."
TEXT OF COMIC:
I don't know, Abby. I'm not convinced that the adjective "centrifugal" actually derives from the noun "centrifuge."
And if the phrase "centrifugal force" came before "centrifuge," then it's perfectly reasonable to debate whether the force in question is more accurately described as "fleeing the center" or "seeking the center."
Well, even if the noun didn't come first, "centrifugal force" still isn't necessarily supposed to mean "force that flees the center." It could reasonably just mean "force that CAUSES OBJECTS to flee the center."
That's a pretty roundabout idea of etymology.
And if the name of the force really did come first, and if it really should be "centripetal"... then that means a centrifuge should properly be called a centripete!
Hey, look at me!
Why are you spinning around in circles all of a sudden?
I'm The Human Centripete!
I hope your brain becomes plastered to the inner walls of your skull.
Comic #1519
September 20 2015
MOUSEOVER TEXT: sometimes cathy does ask good questions
As a kid, I never had any trouble grasping which words were nouns and which were verbs, because my mind very clearly categorized all nouns as either tangible or intangible "things." I didn't realize that other people's minds didn't do this... I was sure they did, because they even used the word "thing" to refer to intangible nouns, as in the sentence Abby quotes Cathy as saying.
I was very surprised and confused when I found out that John actually had trouble telling which words were nouns, and that in fact many people do. It had never occurred to me how complex and counterintuitive the whole business can be, and how it's usually a more effective teaching strategy to define a "noun" by the roles it plays in the structure of sentences, instead of what concept it refers to.
TEXT OF COMIC:
I'm hungry. I'm gonna go eat.
You can't go on break now, Abby. You're supposed to be breaking me.
What? ...Oh. Okay.
Why do you look like a confused possum caught in headlights?
I'm just having a hard time getting used to the use of the word "break" to mean "cover for someone's break." It's like "break" is a verb that got nouned and then got verbed again.
Verbed? What does that even mean?
Changed from a noun into a verb, like the word "access" or "pressure."
Those weren't nouns to begin with. A noun is a thing, isn't it?
Access and pressure ARE things.
No they're not. They're something that HAPPENS.
Exactly: they're someTHING that happens. They aren't tangible objects, but they are still a type of thing.
Just the other day, you said "The only thing I want right now is some internet access." By saying that, you yourself admitted that access is a thing.
No I didn't! It's just a figure of speech!
I mean, if I said "The only thing I want is TO ACCESS the internet," does that mean "to access" is a thing, or, like, a noun?
It's... Huh. No, it's an infinitive verb... but I guess it's being used like a noun phrase? I dunno. I could explain it if I could remember all the linguistics terminology when I'm this hungry.
Don't let me pressure you into it.
Comic #1520
September 26 2015
MOUSEOVER TEXT: it is bizarre that my spellchecker accepts 'fanfic' but not 'fanfiction'
I posted a question somewhat like this on Tumblr, and stumbled into the middle of something that was bigger than I could have imagined.
TEXT OF COMIC:
Why do people care whether Shakespeare wrote Shakespeare's plays?
Huh? I think it's a pretty important question.
I don't feel like it is. I mean, we have so little documentation of who Shakespeare was outside of his plays. Just a few old legal documents showing that he got married and wrote a will and stuff. Like 99% of what we have of him is his plays and poems.
Still, it would be good to know who the person WAS who wrote those plays.
Okay, suppose you met a friend online, right? And you really loved her fanfiction.
What?
She wrote reams of it, and it was awesome, and you bonded with her over that. She says her name is Suzy Chesterton and she lives in Bakersfield.
Um, okay.
You do some research online and find out there really is a Suzy Chesterton in Bakersfield. You can't find a lot about her, and none of it mentions her fanfiction, but there's, like, one article that mentions her being in a local craft fair, and there's one time she commented on a news story about elephants.
So you add those things into your mental database of facts about her, even though they're just tiny details compared to the rest of that database, which is mostly just really cool fanfiction.
But then, later, you find out she's not the same Suzy Chesterton you read about. She never took part in a craft fair or commented on a story about elephants. Maybe her name isn't even Suzy Chesterton; maybe she used it as a pseudonym because she doesn't feel safe giving out her real name online.
But literally everything else you knew about her is true, and she really did write every single word of her fanfic, which is, like, the main basis for your friendship.
So does it matter that she's not the person you found when you Googled her name? Does it make her fanfiction's origin significantly different? Does it mean that "a different person wrote it" from what you believed?
I think the issue with Shakespeare is that people are making classist arguments. Some people's whole reason for doubting the origin of the plays is that the guy named Shakespeare that we know about from documents was a pretty ordinary guy, not from a very upper-class family.
It would be like if you decided that your online friend couldn't possibly be the same Suzy Chesterton you found when you searched for her, because someone who did crafts or commented about elephants couldn't possibly be smart enough to write good fanfiction. That's how much sense their argument makes. There is a lot of very heated debate about all this.
Huh. Then I guess I can't post my analogy online, because it'll start some kind of flame war.
Everything you could possibly say on the internet has that potential, Abby.
Comic #1521
September 27 2015
MOUSEOVER TEXT: either gummy or tabletty ones are good
One possible counter-argument is that chewable supplements are generally less tasty and more expensive than candy. But I'm a bit biased against that argument because I have weird tastes and I like the taste of chewable supplements a lot more than normal people do. (Also, if you have even a little hope that they might work, they come with the added perk of the placebo effect, and that's worth something.)
TEXT OF COMIC:
Aggh, it's been a long day. All my joints ache.
Ha, you're gonna be an old lady before you're out of college.
I'm gonna start taking glucosamine.
You know there's absolutely zero evidence that even works.
Yeah, but people's bodies are different. Different things work for different people.
Even if a ten-thousand-person study shows no evidence that it helps, there's still a chance that one in every eleven thousand people has joints that respond amazingly well to it.
That wouldn't show up in the study's results, but it would mean some of the anecdotal cases were legitimate.
Well, in the MUCH more likely scenario that you are NOT that one-in-eleven-thousand person, you'd be wasting money.
That's why I always buy chewable supplements. If they don't work, that just means I spent money on candy, which I'm happy to do anyway.
It is disturbing that I can't think of an argument against that.
Comic #1522
October 3 2015
MOUSEOVER TEXT: if you must sing then try and sing alone
This doesn't actually prove that Abby knows anything about medications, but again, puns outweigh such details.
TEXT OF COMIC:
Oh, if you must commit a sin,
Please do not drag others in,
It's better to commit it on your own...
If hell is where you're headin' to
Don't bring your buddies down with you
If you must sin, then Triamcinolone.
What was that about?
It was a pun, Norma. "Triamcinolone" is a medication name, but it sounds like "try and sin alone."
I mean, why are you singing?
I have a YouTube channel. "The girl who knows too much about medications." I can make any medication name into a song.
But you can't play any instrument and you have no singing voice.
A good pun always makes up for that sort of triviality.
Comic #1523
October 4 2015
MOUSEOVER TEXT: meanwhile I went on a trip to Sumatra and got a sumatriptan
Some of the techs at my pharmacy don't pronounce Rizatriptan in the way that fits in this song, but screw 'em.
TEXT OF COMIC:
Hey, everyone! Welcome to the YouTube channel that can make any medication name into a song.
I know a girl named Jane Eliza
She traveled to the planet Risa,
Risa's got the best sunrises,
See 'em someday if you can.
Sun's so warm on the planet Risa
Sun's so bright she wore a visor
Shined all through her trip to Risa
Look at her Rizatriptan.
What's the planet Risa? Did you just make it up?
It's a real thing. On Star Trek.
Well, that's stretching the definition of "real."
It's pronounced the same as the German word "Reise," which, in an awesome coincidence, means the same as the word "trip."
Comic #1524
oct 4 2015
MOUSEOVER TEXT: lion under oath
what a shame.
TEXT OF COMIC:
Abby? Are you recording...
Hey, everyone! Welcome to the YouTube channel that can make any medication name into a song.
...Oh.
Why, oh why
did Scar the lion die?
Why'd he let his life get cut so short?
Well he'd rather die
Than let a jury try
And find him guilty in the Symbicort.
Do your viewers send in suggestions for medication names you can use? I find it hard to believe you can do it with EVERY name.
I pick and choose the suggestions that work.
Ah.
And I'm kinda the only one sending myself suggestions. I don't really have any viewers.
Comic #1525
October 11 2015
MOUSEOVER TEXT: or maybe Cherlene
...So I changed my name from Pam to Sam
'Cause Pam is just not who I am,
That made me happy as a clam,
But Mama still wanted a Pam.
So she drew my blood and stole a gram
And she made a clone and named it Pam,
But it feels to me like just a scam,
I don't see my Clonazepam.
TEXT OF COMIC:
Welcome, everyone, to the YouTube channel that can make any medication name into a song!
Great, here we go again.
Oh, mama, why did you name me Pam?
I'd rather be Cam or even Sam...
I'd even rather just be called Ma'am;
I don't see myself as a Pam.
Oh why am I Pam, oh why, oh why?
Oh please, let us end this shameful sham...
Let me change my name before I die;
I don't wanna Diazepam.
But your name's not Pam.
My STAGE NAME will be, when I'm a famous singer.
Comic #1526
October 17 2015
MOUSEOVER TEXT: The only one of those medication names that my spell checker recognized was warfarin. Apparently there really is too much of it.
Abby could have said "give the doxepin to write prescriptions while you wait," which would have made more sense and fit the theme more satisfyingly... but fewer than half of English-speakers pronounce "pin" and "pen" the same, so she thought she'd go with what was more universally understandable.
TEXT OF COMIC:
Oh, eat burritos early, but eat your salsalate,
Buy ropinirole of forty yards to rope your cattle,
Give the doxepin to prick your finger while you wait,
There's too much warfarin this world for us to fight this battle.
Now you're not even making sense.
Wait, you think I was making sense before?
Comic #1527
October 18 2015
MOUSEOVER TEXT: do you ever think about how immensely BETTER Shakespeare's plays would be if we didn't have to have all the puns and cultural references explained to us?
When I typed Norma's last line, I mistyped it as "Ni" three times before getting it right. Which I guess might count as a pun related to a fleeting cultural phenomenon (unless Monty Python sticks in human consciousness for the next few millennia).
TEXT OF COMIC:
Do you ever stay up at night terrified about the future?
Not really.
You don't obsess about the possibility of language and culture changing?
What's so scary about that?
I mean, you don't ever fear that you'll be forgotten forever?
Because of language and culture changing? Why would I?
I'm just saying, do you ever worry that all the most brilliant things you've ever said were puns related to fleeting cultural phenomena?
No.
Comic #1528
October 24 2015
MOUSEOVER TEXT: that is a creepy thing to want to read fanfiction about
I have never actually seen any "Game of Thrones," and I know nothing about it except the names of some characters, so nothing I said is a spoiler.
TEXT OF COMIC:
Ooh, someone posted a great list of fanfic recs. Gonna be busy all afternoon.
Cersei dies. Rec?
What?
I think he's asking you for Game of Thrones fanfiction recommendations.
I don't have any Game of Thrones fanfiction, and certainly not any featuring Cersei's death. Sorry, Ron.
I've mostly just got mountains and mountains of Star Trek fanfic. I've even got old print zines from the 1980's.
Cersei, denizen of one zine, dies. Rec?
No, I'm pretty sure Cersei isn't in any of my zines. Leave me alone.
Comic #1529
October 25 2015
MOUSEOVER TEXT: voting rights and voting wrongs
This is why I think voting should either be mandatory by law, or come with a tangible reward. And also be on weekends.
TEXT OF COMIC:
Are you gonna vote?
Yeah, but it feels pretty empty.
Because you don't think you can make a difference?
Yeah. Voting is important for us as a nation... but from an individual perspective, voting makes less sense than playing the lottery.
I mean, there are millions of documented cases of people winning the lottery, but pretty much zero cases of candidates winning an election by one vote.
From the perspective of how much difference one person can make by voting, it's really not worth doing at all... let alone worth walking all the way to the polling place and waiting in a forty-minute line in the three short hours I have free after classes, when I desperately need to be doing homework.
I think that's why intelligent people are less likely to vote, hence why the country is falling apart. Millions of us making the choice that's individually most logical, and it all adds up to the worst collective choice ever.
Two wrongs don't make a right, but fifty million rights make a wrong?
Something like that.
Comic #1530
October 31 2015
MOUSEOVER TEXT: Technically, Abby is not sticking to the mythology, because Frigg tried to PREVENT what ended up happening with the mistletoe.
I don't quite feel right about the casting of Norma, because her hairstyle fits better with the Marvel adaptation of Thor, while I grew up on more authentic Norse mythology that portrays him as a redhead.
But the only redhead I had to work with was Ron, and he would never have agreed to be Thor because it's hard to make any palindromes out of it. Balder was pretty cool for him, because not only is it "red lab" spelled backwards, but he gets to be married to Nanna, who, out of all the Norse mythological figures, has the name that is closest to being palindromic.
Not to mention that "Balder's red lab" is also a "god's dog."
TEXT OF COMIC:
Abby: Frigg (sitting on a throne)
Norma: Thor (carrying a hammer)
Hans: Fulla (wearing a gold headband)
Ron: Balder (with a bald head painted white, and a Labrador wearing a red wig)
Cathy: (wearing a dress)
Polyphemus: Odin (sitting on a throne beside Abby)
Karen: Munin (wearing feathers and a beak)
Sharon: Hugin (wearing feathers and a beak)
Abby, if we have to all dress up as figures from Norse mythology, WHY do we have to be the ravens and your pet starling gets to be Odin?
He's the only one who actually is missing an eye. Deal with it, unless you want me to poke out one of yours.
Why am I Fulla?
Because I'm Frigg and you're my close friend and confidante.
You didn't deliberately cast me as a virgin goddess to make fun of my lack of a sex life? Because you know I don't give a crap about that.
I would never put that much effort into making fun of you, Hans. Don't be so Fulla yourself.
So if you're Frigg, then you're Odin's wife and my stepmom. When I signed up to be Thor I wasn't planning on you and your pet starling being my parents.
I have ALWAYS WANTED to be Frigg. Go clean your room, son.
Okay, I only showed up because someone told me I could dress up as a goddess. Now I'm leaving.
Go, Freya! Layer fog.
I didn't expect Ron to cut off all his hair to play Balder. Did... did he stick it onto his pet Labrador??
Yes, it's "Balder's red lab."
Balder did not have a dog. That is SO not canon. Heretic. I'm gonna go get the mistletoe.
It's not Christmas yet.
No, this mistletoe is gonna be a missile. Did you actually read any of that mythology?
Comic #1531
November 1 2015
MOUSEOVER TEXT: the word 'impregnable' is really really weird
Why are diaphragms and cervical caps so hard to find these days? I mean, they probably aren't the most effective birth control methods, but they're the easiest to use in combination with other methods, and using multiple methods at once is the absolute most effective way to go.
TEXT OF COMIC:
If you're so dead set against having kids, what are you going to do if you DO have them? No precautions you take can eliminate the possibility.
Yes they can. I take my birth control pill exactly on time every day. And I also wear a diaphragm at all times.
And as an added third precaution, I will never consent to sex with any male, unless he's an extraterrestrial, in which case the genetics would be incompatible and there's zero risk of conception.
That... is a pretty strong set of precautions, I suppose.
My uterus is an impregnable fortress.
...Uh. That came out wrong. It's an IM-impregnable fortress.
Your Freudian slips reveal your true desire to give me grandchildren.
Comic #1532
November 7 2015
MOUSEOVER TEXT: even abby... and I... can be a bit dense sometimes.
TEXT OF COMIC:
I was sitting here for twenty minutes looking at these weird moving sculptures, trying to figure out how the artist would wind them up.
Huh?
The article says they have no motors, and they're totally wind-powered.
WIND powered. Like, blowing wind. Not "wind" as in "wind-up." See the sails on them?
Ohhhhhh. Crap.
Nobody says "wind-powered" when they mean "powered by a wind-up mechanism." Are you even capable of figuring anything out from context?
Well, that explains why nobody replied to my comment asking "How do they get wound?"
Oh, look, I think someone did reply now. He said "They don't. Nobody's trying to hurt them."
See, I'm not the only one who confuses homographs in writing!
Congratulations.
Comic #1533
November 8 2015
MOUSEOVER TEXT: don't give Benicar, either, he can't drive
what does Ben use, the pain to kill?
TEXT OF COMIC:
Time for another episode of the YouTube channel that can make any medication name into a song!
Do you do brand names ever? Or just generic names?
Both. I did one about Symbicort, remember? That's a brand name.
Here's another.
Ben wants to be a dentist,
He's lookin' for teeth that are feelin' ill.
Ben wants to be a dentist,
He's lookin' for cavities to fill.
But Ben ain't been to dental school,
And Ben ain't got no dental skill...
Ben wants to be a dentist,
But don't you dare give Benadryl!
So what painkillers DOES Ben prefer?
I think you're missing the point of the song.
Comic #1534
nov 8 2015
MOUSEOVER TEXT: this one can be sung to the tune of twinkle little star
The "take the blue pill and I'll show you how deep the rabbit hole goes" is from a meme that was going around the internet.
Well, actually it's from The Matrix, which adapted it from Alice in Wonderland references... but using it in the context of Viagra was the idea of some anonymous smart-aleck circulating internet memes.
The rest of the jokes I made up, though. But they're so obvious that I'd be surprised if I were the first to make them up.
TEXT OF COMIC:
If you want to forget your ex,
Do it Viagra-tuitous sex.
Take the blue pill and it shows
Just how deep the rabbit hole goes.
Get big and then get small again,
Did you Cialis in Wonderland?
I'm trying to make my medication names more relevant to the songs.
You are disgusting.
Comic #1535
November 15 2015
MOUSEOVER TEXT: Do the same to Abby and Norma and you get some names beginning with weird repeated letters.
Seven of Nine was TOTALLY named after Darth Vader. (Or rather, her original human form was named after Vader's original human form. I mean, "Annika"? Come on.)
I suspect Chewbacca was named because his fur is the color of chewing tobacco.
TEXT OF COMIC:
Do you think the name "Darth Vader" was chosen because it sounds like "Dark Father"?
No. I think it's probably some deeper and more subtle wordplay than that, somewhat reminiscent of HAL in 2001: A Space Odyssey.
What about HAL?
If you change each of those initials to the letter that comes immediately after it in the alphabet, you get IBM.
Whoa. But... but Darth Vader's initials aren't like that, are they?
Well, if you change the first letter of "Darth" to the letter that comes after it, you get "Earth."
And "Vader" becomes "Wader." So what? Earth Wader?
What's an "earth wader"? I mean, the only way you could wade in the earth is if, like, the earth was LIQUID, which I guess would mean you fell into LAVA or someth...
Oh. Wow.
See? Everything is deep and subtle wordplay if you look close enough.
Comic #1536
November 21 2015
MOUSEOVER TEXT: Emo sets attack cat; taste some!
Most of the ways I've seen Sirius act like a cat are related to his hunting instincts. Both cats and starlings catch prey much smaller than themselves, which may be crawling, flying or burrowing... so they have very similar hunting styles. I made him a "cat toy" once (a pom-pom on a string) and he chased it wherever I dragged it.
TEXT OF COMIC:
Sheesh, I can't get Polyphemus to stay still long enough for me to leave the room!
That's a starling thing. They care so much about being close to people, they'll try to fly out of the room with you every time you get up to leave.
I can't shut the door fast enough to keep him in here! Little sneak. He's like a CAT.
Starlings can be like cats in a lot of ways.
What am I supposed to do? Pin him to the curtains? Thumbtack him to the wall?
Pin, tack, catnip.
If catnip could make him stay in one place, he'd be a lot more feline than I think he is.
Or maybe it could attract some cats that would keep him from leaving.
Comic #1537
November 22 2015
MOUSEOVER TEXT: luna moth would also be a nice pun food for a starling, because moon and stars
The thing that most bothers me about this moth isn't its freaky half-foot wingspan, but the fact that it's named after a cyclops because of the TWO (2) eyespots on its wings.
(But then, if you want to get technical, the word "cyclops" doesn't actually MEAN "one eye," it means "circular eye," and in mythology it's never explicitly stated that all cyclops were one-eyed. So I'm willing to tolerate the moth having Polyphemus' name, especially since it also shares his gigantism.)
TEXT OF COMIC:
What's Polyphemus eating?
A moth. He caught it over by the lamp.
He likes moths, huh?
Yup. One of his favorite foods.
Did you know there's a type of moth called the Polyphemus Moth?
Seriously?! I have GOT to get him a bunch of them!
Look it up. You... might not need more than one. For him to eat. For a week.
Holy CRAP.
If it didn't eat him first.
Comic #1538
November 28 2015
MOUSEOVER TEXT: I got these two melodies mixed up ALL THE TIME as a kid.
The main problem is that the Rudolph tune has no equivalent of the "thumpity-thump-thump!" interlude.
TEXT OF COMIC:
Hey, guess what you can do with the miserable lack of variety in song melodies!
Um, sing "The Star Spangled Banner" to the tune of "The First Noel"? Or "Yankee Doodle" to the tune of "Good King Wenceslas"?
Nah, we did that before. This year I'm singing "Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer" to the tune of "Frosty the Snowman"!
"Rudolphthe rednosed reinDEER!
Had a VER-y shiny nose!
And IF you ev-er saw it you
Would even say it GLOWS!"
Must you do this now?
"Allofthe other reinDEER!
Used to LAUGH and call him naaames!
They NEV-er let poor Rudolph join
In any reindeer gaaaames!"
Really.
"Then one FOG-gy Christmas Eve
San-ta came to SAY,
'Ruu-dolph with your nose so BRIGHT,
Won't you guide my SLEIGH!'"
Doesn't work as well as you thought, does it?
"...Tonight!"
Comic #1539
November 29 2015
MOUSEOVER TEXT: st nick don't you call me cuz i can't go; i owe my soul to the department store
Sometimes mashups make even more sense than the original songs.
TEXT OF COMIC:
"So this is Christmas...
And what have you done..."
What HAD they done, anyway?
It sounds so accusing, but it never really says what.
It just says "Another year over/ And a new one just begun." That sounds more like an answer for a question like "What do you get."
Except that wouldn't rhyme.
"So this is Christmas / And what do you get? /
Another year older / And deeper in debt."
You are getting sixteen tons of coal in your stocking.
Comic #1540
December 5 2015
MOUSEOVER TEXT: if norma's name means normal, it doesn't say that much about her
"The Abby-universe where everything has an excessively complicated explanation" is a pretty good description of the actual universe. (But, granted, it isn't a good description of the universe of 1940's Christmas songs.)
TEXT OF COMIC:
Have you ever noticed how the song "Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer" never says his nose was red?
What? Of course it does.
No, it just says he "had a very shiny nose," and that the other reindeer teased him for it, and then Santa asked him to guide his sleigh, addressing him as "Rudolph with your nose so bright." It only says the nose was shiny, never what color it was.
It calls him "Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer" in every verse.
But it never says why he had that name. Do you know what YOUR name means? Does it accurately describe anything about you?
Maybe he was named after his grandfather who was called that because he did have a red nose. Maybe Rudolph tended to drown his sorrows in alcohol, and "red-nosed reindeer" was a reindeer slang term for someone who got drunk a lot.
Maybe Rudolph was called "red-nosed" in the same ironic way that bald guys get called "Curly"-- because his nose was green, and that's the opposite of red!
In the Abby-universe where everything has an excessively complicated explanation, maybe.
Maybe his nose was a Communist!
Comic #1541
December 6 2015
MOUSEOVER TEXT: technically you only proved it for ONE apartment, though
Just more proof that apartment pet policies have nothing to do with the pet's actual potential for "damaging property" or "disturbing neighbors," and everything to do with following meaningless social norms.
TEXT OF COMIC:
Is not!
Is too!
Is not!
Just watch, and I'll prove it to you!
Hello? I'm interested in renting one of your apartments.
Yes... Okay... Yeah, just one. It's not your typical dog or cat, though.
...No... Nope... No, not exactly a monkey, but it is in that same family... or rather, that same phylum, class and order.
Yeah, a primate. Thumbs and fingers and stuff. No, doesn't climb much, but it does grab onto everything.
No, not house-trained at all. I put a diaper on it, but it's figured out how to take it off a few times. Yeah, I hope to train it eventually, but in the meantime you can expect the occasional mess.
Yeah, it bites people now and then. It also chews on anything it can get its mouth on. And it's got a tendency to burst out screaming in the middle of the night for no apparent reason.
No, huh? Well, thanks for your time anyway.
See? A human baby is TOTALLY prohibited in an apartment!
No fair asking that way, Abby.
Comic #1542
dec 6 2015
MOUSEOVER TEXT: spanierism, rhymes with aneurysm
I think that pun would have fallen flat regardless of timing.
TEXT OF COMIC:
I've got a Spoonerism, Abby.
Hmm?
What do you call a spaniel expressing happiness?
A shaketail cocker!
That's not a Spoonerism.
Yeah it is, it's a Spoonerism of "cocktail shaker."
Still not a Spoonerism.
Oh? ...Oh, okay, yeah, because the transposed sounds aren't initial letters, they're initial syllables composed of many letters. I admit that.
But you could just ignore that little detail and have fun, instead of being an uptight stickler like that.
I actually was gonna say that it's not a Spoonerism because it's a "Spanierism," but it seems as if that pun would fall flat now.
Comic #1543
December 13 2015
MOUSEOVER TEXT: i've paid off most of my debt, and I'm gladiolus
I doubt that pun even works in Latin, or whatever language the lions spoke
TEXT OF COMIC:
..."I don't care," the lioness said as her mate chewed on the bones of the woman that the king had thrown to him. "It doesn't matter if she was really a Christian. He's a lion, and I'm gladiator!"
I don't get it. What's the punch line?
"Glad he ate her" sounds like "gladiator."
So the lioness was really a gladiator?
NO. The joke is that the places where gladiators fought are the same places where Christians were thrown to lions, and those two phrases sound alike. There's nothing more to it than that.
I think there is. The lioness was actually a gladiator in deep cover, DISGUISED as a lioness, infiltrating the inner workings of the colosseum to expose corruption.
What?
He's just discovered that some of the "Christians" thrown to lions were falsely accused of that religion, and he's loudly pretending that he doesn't care, because an actual lioness wouldn't care.
But his choice of words will ultimately destroy him. Because his statement sounded so very similar to "I'm gladiator," it sparks the other lions' suspicion and causes them to notice the many ways in which he more closely resembles a gladiator than a lioness. The story ends with him being stripped of his lioness costume and eaten.
Stop headcanoning my puns!
Comic #1544
December 19 2015
MOUSEOVER TEXT: i try my best not to get in trouble with the chicago police department
When researching the fictional Vulcan city of ShiKahr, this came up first in every Google search, and I think it seems like a more accurate prediction of Abby's adventures in Chicago.
Speaking of which, John and I may be moving to Chicago in the next couple years! Stay tuned for more details.
TEXT OF COMIC:
Yes! I guessed exactly how that episode was going to end.
I'm psychic. I've got mind-melding powers. I should go get studied at the Vulcan Science Academy in ShiKahr.
You can't.
How come?
Um, because ShiKahr is not a real place? It's a city on the fictional planet Vulcan, and I think it's not even Star Trek canon, it's only mentioned in the novels.
So what's the closest place in the real world?
I don't know. Chicago, I guess? It's the closest-sounding, anyway.
Fine. I'll go get my psionic ability studied in Chicago, at the Museum of Science and Industry.
No sir, psion! Illinois prison!
Ron's right. I'd probably just get myself arrested.
You do seem like the type who'd use psionic powers for evil.
Comic #1545
December 20 2015
MOUSEOVER TEXT: she gave cathy colitis
I'm not sure charcoal pencils are actually an export of Laos. Abby may have put that sticker on there.
TEXT OF COMIC:
Merry Christmas, you all. I got you socks.
Looks like you filled them with stuff.
Naturally.
Ooh, what's in mine?
You all got coal.
No, I got... cole slaw?
Why'd you give me eyeliner?... Oh. Kohl. Thanks, you weirdo.
Look, Ron got a charcoal pencil.
Yup, and look at the sticker, Ron. See where it says "Made in Laos"?
Lao coal!
Merry Christmas, buddies.
Comic #1546
December 26 2015
MOUSEOVER TEXT: i'm not calling you fat, i'm just implying that you WERE fat for at least a few months once
yay for abby's creative etymology
TEXT OF COMIC:
Merry Christmas! So, are you having any babies yet?
Nope. As you are so fond of pointing out, no guys are ever going to like a nerd like me. And unfortunately for you and your ambitions for grandchildren, an organism has to mate in order to reproduce.
Which is why "mater" means "mother" in some languages.
You're just making stuff up now.
And "father" comes from "fat her," because a father's role in reproduction is causing his female mate to become temporarily fat.
I'm hanging up now.
That was my goal.
Comic #1547
December 27 2015
MOUSEOVER TEXT: This works with Target's pay schedule, but not workplaces that have their paydays on the other alternate Fridays. Those jobs have different lucky months, but they still do have them.
Can't believe this thing is still circulating.
TEXT OF COMIC:
Hey, everyone! January this year has five Fridays, five Saturdays and five Sundays!
This happens about once every seven years, give or take a few leap years! And it happens a lot more often if you count it happening in months that aren't January!
It's called money bags! This month you will get extra money!
Why is that?
Because five Fridays means three paychecks, if you get paid biweekly. Very simple math.
Your explanation of that meme makes the most sense, but sadly, fewer people will see it, because the money-getting is not dependent on forwarding the email.