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Abby and Norma
from 2011
Comic #870
January 3 2011
MOUSEOVER TEXT: maybe it's a NuvaRing?
Maybe it's a class ring for a college that is a bitter rival of her new boyfriend's college, and if her friends find out she's dating him, they'll accuse her of betraying her alma mater.
TEXT OF COMIC:
I'm not worried 'bout that ring you wear,
Cause as long as no one knows, then nobody can care.
I kind of liked that song until I noticed it was about adultery. Now it just depresses me.
It doesn't HAVE to be about adultery. It could be one of those purity rings people wear to promise abstinence until marriage.
But why is she still wearing it if she's stopped practicing abstinence?
Maybe her parents made her wear it.
So she's underage?
Well, or maybe she's an adult but still lives with her parents, and they're really really religious, and if they find out she's screwing someone they'll throw her out on the street.
Eesh. Why does she still live with them?
Maybe she can't get a job. Maybe the local Walmart won't hire her because her parents forbid her to work on Sundays.
Okay, you are just making that song more and MORE depressing.
Comic #871
January 4 2011
MOUSEOVER TEXT: Yes, some classes do necessitate last wishes in case of death by boredom.
If Norma complains too much about it, Abby might just decide to leave her her katra instead.
TEXT OF COMIC:
Okay, I'm off to economics class. If I die of boredom, you can have my Star Trek novel collection.
Your Star Trek novel collection. Isn't there something better I could inherit from you? Are those even any good?
Trust me. Would I leave you my Star Trek novels if I didn't believe you would enjoy them? The last thing I want is for you to be unhappy.
Taken literally, that means my unhappiness will be your dying wish.
Then you better hope I survive.
Comic #872
January 5 2011
MOUSEOVER TEXT: Yes, Abby made up 'forensic realism,' but those reality cop shows come close.
To be brutally honest, I prefer CSI's fabric-based convictions over Hercule Poirot using hypnosis as evidence.
TEXT OF COMIC:
Great. Another defendant convicted based on "fabric analysis" evidence.
When are people going to realize that all those sciences they talk about in crime shows are way less reliable than the shows make them look? Seriously, jurors are trusting something just because it worked on CSI.
Yeah, and it's not a new phenomenon, either. I'm sure that before there were crime shows, people were getting wrong ideas about the justice system based on Agatha Christie novels. Mysteries have been part of literature for a long time, and they've never been realistic.
Actually, they have. In the 1920's there was a brief artistic movement called Forensic Realism.
In their films and novels, uninteresting investigations resulted in totally predictable convictions of dim-witted defendants, and the endings lacked closure since the evidence usually wasn't a hundred percent certain and the suspects often didn't confess. It was a very believable art form.
I can see why it didn't last.
Comic #873
January 6 2011
MOUSEOVER TEXT: I'll eat the cookies to make sure they're safe! Am I a good friend or what
According to the system of logic I learned, both "always" and "one time" would fall within the category of "sometimes."
TEXT OF COMIC:
Mmm.
Are you seriously going to eat all those cookies? Don't you know the meaning of "sometimes food"?
That phrase has no meaning, Norma. Everything is a sometimes food.
Not arsenic.
What?
Arsenic is a one-time food, at most.
What does that have to do with me?
Maybe someone put some in your cookies.
I doubt it.
But you should probably give them to me, just to be safe.
Comic #874
January 7 2011
MOUSEOVER TEXT: blootie and the ho-fish? bootie and the hlo-fish?
I guess now Abby has only one leg in the evening.
TEXT OF COMIC:
TIME LINE OF A MENTAL BREAKDOWN CAUSED BY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION AND EXCESSIVE LATE-NIGHT STUDYING
Rrrggh...
10:22
Biology chapter 36: Pregnancy hormones and oral contraceptives. Oral contraceptives. Oral contraceptives. Do they keep you from getting pregnant from oral sex?
10:46
Chapter 40. Infancy and breastfeeding. Boobies. Hooters. Hootie and the blowfish. Bootie and the ho-fish. God, I wish that were a true Spoonerism.
11:14
I should take a break, take a break. I should take a break and go skinny dipping in the lake. No, wait, the lake's full of milfoil. Why do we have so much milfoil? Do MILFs really need to be oiled?
11:59
OW OW OW I WAS SITTING WITH MY FOOT IN A CRAMPY POSITION FOR THE LAST HOUR AND I JUST NOTICED IT NOW OUCH OUCH I'M GOING TO HAVE AN OEDIPUS COMPLEX!
An Oedipus complex?
A swollen foot.
You need sleep.
Comic #875
January 10 2011
MOUSEOVER TEXT: classified under classy, class-related class assignments
SWF, 25, seeks conversation partner to talk about anything other than the grade she got on her chemistry exam. Also enjoys not talking about her underwear size and whether or not she has ever had a boyfriend.
TEXT OF COMIC:
What grade did you get on your chemistry exam?
That information is classified.
Classified as what? All that means is that it's in a category.
Classified under the heading of stuff I don't want to talk about.
For some reason I really want to see a section like that in the newspaper classifieds.
Comic #876
January 11 2011
MOUSEOVER TEXT: For some reason I always misread 'premises' as 'penises.'
Do other cities besides Minneapolis have those signs? I wish they didn't bother me so much.
TEXT OF COMIC:
The college bans guns in these premises.
Yes, I see the sign on the building. What about it?
In these premises! It's not grammatically correct! It should be either "on these premises" or "in this building." How come the same mistake is on every single sign like that in the city?
Well, if it said "in this building," people would think that guns were banned only in that particular building on the campus. And if it said "on these premises," people would think guns were banned everywhere on the campus, even outdoors.
Are guns allowed outdoors?
Well, I remember a hotly contested lawsuit some years ago over whether it was constitutional to ban guns in a parking lot. I don't remember what came of it.
If guns are allowed outdoors, I'm going to make sure the guy who designed those signs is afraid ever to go outdoors in his life.
You are far too militant about grammar.
Comic #877
January 12 2011
MOUSEOVER TEXT: Cow bras are also known as udderwear.
According to some sources, the word "cowslip" comes from old English "cuslyppe," or cow droppings, from which flowers often grow. According to other sources it actually is a reference to cows' lips, and according to still other sources it refers to the stomach of a cow (which the flower supposedly resembles) or to cows and sleep (the flower was used medicinally as a sedative, but I don't know how the cows came into it). Ah, the fuzzy joys of etymology...
TEXT OF COMIC:
Do you know what word I learned how to pronounce today?
I'm not sure I care.
"Cowslips."
What?
"Cowslips." It's a kind of flower.
I've seen that word in tons of old books, but never heard it out loud before. I thought it was pronounced "cow's-lips."
I was utterly wrong. Apparently the plants are not being compared to the actual lips of a cow, but to a hypothetical undergarment that cows might wear if they wore clothes.
You come up with some weird hypotheses.
What would a cow-slip be worn under, anyway? A muumuu?
Comic #878
January 13 2011
MOUSEOVER TEXT: If you want me to be healthy, you have many friends in me. They are my gut bacteria.
Right before she said that, Abby retroactively named the egg she had for breakfast "Hans," just so she could make that joke without lying.
TEXT OF COMIC:
Hans is going on vacation for the next two weeks. I'm going to miss him.
Don't worry. You've got a friend in me.
You are always a good friend, Abby.
I'm not talking about me. I'm talking about Hans. I cooked him and ate him.
You also really know how to keep things positive.
He can't leave when he's busy being digested.
Comic #879
January 14 2011
MOUSEOVER TEXT: Actually, bisexuality is pretty common among sexually dimorphic birds, too.
I've always liked the story Temple Grandin tells in her book "Animals in Translation," about the farm where cows were suddenly acting terrified of humans, and none of the farmers could understand why, because the cows had grown up seeing humans all the time. She asked some questions and found out that all the humans who were interacting with the cows in the past had been on horseback, and they'd just recently started walking among the cows on foot.
Well, of course the cows were scared. If you'd never seen a man without a horse under him, you would think of man and horse as one creature, and if you suddenly see a disembodied body part of that creature walking around, it is going to terrify you, no matter what species you are. Duh! It's something you've never, ever seen before! It's freakin' weird!
This had not occurred to the farmers, apparently because they had known, for as long as they could remember, that a man and a horse are two different creatures that can be either separate or together. But the cows had no way of knowing that. In terms of the Sally-Anne test, the cows were Sally looking for her marble in the last place she'd left it, and the farmers were the theory-of-mind-challenged kid wondering why Sally didn't know where Anne had put her marble.
So, basically, normal people's theory of mind is not only an assumption that everyone else's thought processes work exactly like theirs, but also a mental block when it comes to imagining how others would think in situations very different from their own. It took an autistic person's theory of mind to think outside that box.
TEXT OF COMIC:
Remember a while back when there were those male penguins in a zoo who became same-sex mates, and then one of them left the other for a female?
I think I remember something like that.
There were gay-rights activists calling the female penguin nasty names for breaking them up, and there were anti-gay activists gloating about how this proves that nature prefers heterosexuality. Everyone was acting as if the love lives of penguins were somehow relevant to the love lives of humans.
But they're totally different creatures! Bisexuality is probably a lot more common among birds, especially birds like penguins where the sexes look the same. Being attracted to a male penguin is pretty much the same thing as being attracted to a female penguin.
How would you know? Have you experienced both those feelings?
No! But I can imagine.
For a person with Asperger's, you have an audaciously high opinion of your theory of mind, if you think it can even extend to other species.
That's what they said to Temple Grandin.
Comic #880
January 17 2011
MOUSEOVER TEXT: Cathy is only taking Abby's English class so she can torment Abby.
In the end, the character got her strappy designer shoe caught in a train track and was shredded to pieces by seventy-two freight cars. And the engineer driving the train was actually a nerdy computer engineer, so he didn't feel bad about it at all.
TEXT OF COMIC:
I'm offended by the story you wrote for English class, Abby. I can't believe you thought that was fit to present to the class.
Why? What's wrong with it?
You portrayed me as stupid and superficial and insensitive!
You? You weren't even in my story.
Yes I was. You disguised me, certainly, but come on, you can't say you didn't base that character on me.
What? Why do you think I did that?
Because... she's so... stupid and superficial and insensitive!
I guess I really don't need a story to make you look stupid.
Comic #881
January 18 2011
MOUSEOVER TEXT: maybe there's some natural law preventing such a planet and building from existing
I asked John and he said that as you approached the speed of light you would just get closer and closer to it but never reach it, even if that meant your acceleration would slow. Apparently the light barrier is a stronger natural law than the speed of acceleration in a vacuum.
Still, hitting the ground at almost the speed of light isn't much better for you than hitting the ground at light speed or higher.
TEXT OF COMIC:
When you fall off a tall building, you accelerate at a steady rate, right?
Yeah, until the air slows you down.
But what if you were on a ridiculously huge, extremely dense planet with no atmosphere, and you fell off an incredibly tall building? Would you accelerate at a steady rate all the way to the ground?
Yeah, with no atmosphere, I guess so.
And what if the height of the building and the mass of the planet were such that you would reach light speed before you hit bottom?
Well... hmm, that's an interesting question. I'm sure you can't break the speed of light by falling off a building, but I don't know what would stop you.
I'm really curious.
Well, maybe when your true species shows up and invades Earth, they can find you a giant planet and a frickin' huge skyscraper to try it out on.
No, I'm too valuable to them. I helped prepare for the invasion by getting the humans accustomed to weirdness.
Comic #882
January 19 2011
MOUSEOVER TEXT: It's a... proper adjective?
I'm pretty sure this trick could work in an official Scrabble tournament, if your opponent were careless enough to fall for it. At least, I'm pretty sure there are no official rules regarding the way you pronounce the word when you put it on the board.
TEXT OF COMIC:
I can't believe it, Abby! I've actually beaten you at Scrabble.
Everyone gets lucky sometimes. And besides, the game's not over.
Pfft, it's pretty much over. All that's left is five letters on your thingy and four on mine. And even if you use up all your letters next turn, the bonus you get won't be enough to push you ahead of me.
Whatever. Okay, I know this isn't enough points to tip the balance, but here's my word. "Polish."
"Polish" is a nationality. It's a proper noun.
"Poland" is a proper noun. "Polish" isn't a noun, it's an adjective.
It's still capitalized. You can't use it in Scrabble.
Are you challenging me?
Yes I'm challenging you. Get the Scrabble dictionary.
Here. "Polish." Verb. To make smooth and lustrous by rubbing. I thought you knew that.
Arrgh! But... But when you put down the word, you PRONOUNCED it like the nationality!
Yeah, I pronounced it that way so that you would think of the nationality and not the verb. I knew if you challenged me and turned out to be wrong, you'd lose enough points that I'd win.
I don't think it is possible to be sneakier than you without actually cheating.
See? Studying legal loopholes pays off.
Comic #883
January 20 2011
MOUSEOVER TEXT: well, that's one way to get out of going to a concert...
The trouble is that when you don't assume one thing, it often means assuming another thing. Unless you ask questions about every single aspect of what's happening... which would take a lot more time than you have.
TEXT OF COMIC:
Abby, where were you on Saturday? I told you to meet me at the concert.
You said Saturday... was I just supposed to make an assumption about which Saturday you meant?
I said Saturday, January 15th.
You didn't say what year. There's a Saturday, January 15th in 2022. How could I just assume you weren't talking about that one?
I showed you the brochure for the concert. It said Saturday, January 15th, 2011.
I couldn't assume that wasn't a misprint. Or that my eyes weren't playing a trick on me when I read it.
Abby, sometimes when you DON'T assume, you just make an ass out of you.
Or maybe I just don't like concerts.
Comic #884
January 21 2011
MOUSEOVER TEXT: An ass out of u would be an uss.
Abby is kind of selective about which grammar inaccuracies bother her.
TEXT OF COMIC:
I hate that saying about what happens when you assume. Ass out of U and me... ha ha, soooo clever.
U is a letter of the alphabet, people-- not an alternate spelling of the pronoun "you." And making an ass out of the letter U would be an orthographic train wreck.
I thought you liked puns.
Not old, overused puns.
Well, how many new puns do you suppose they could make out of the word "assume"?
"When reading the equation c + d = e, most people would ASSUME that neither addend c nor addend d is as great AS SUM E."
Ha ha, sooooo clever.
Comic #885
January 24 2011
MOUSEOVER TEXT: to be fair, pet owners are no better
Yes, I know, Abby talks about bathrooms too much. But bathrooms are such problematic social settings.
TEXT OF COMIC:
Okay, we need to make a law against mothers changing their babies' diapers out in the open in public bathrooms.
We do?
Yes! I mean, would it be acceptable for an ADULT to lie around in a public bathroom showing off his naked butt covered in feces?
Abby, you're disgusting.
No, what's disgusting is that people think it's okay for us to have to see a CHILD in that position! I thought child nudity was supposed to be MORE morally problematic than adult nudity.
So you think parents just shouldn't ever change their kids' diapers?
No, stupid. The one simple change we would need to make is to put the restroom changing table inside a stall that you can't see through. Or hear through. Or smell through. Okay, I guess it wouldn't be that simple. But still!
Seriously, why aren't parents clamoring for a solution like that? Do normal people actually LIKE displaying their infants' private parts and bodily wastes in public places?
Of course they do, Abby. Haven't you ever talked to someone who has a baby? Every mother's dream is for the entire world to know every detail of her baby's life, however disgusting.
I would weep for the future of humanity, except I really wish humanity would stop breeding so much of a friggin' future.
Comic #886
January 25 2011
MOUSEOVER TEXT: Are there actually people who try to count to a million?
When I was in college, I had about this much time on my hands. I did some of the most pointless, glorious projects...
TEXT OF COMIC:
I read that it takes only a week or so to count to a million.
Well, that's based on the assumption that you can say, like, two numbers a second. And you can't, once you get into big numbers.
You could abbreviate the numbers you say. Like maybe after you get past ten, you just say the last digit of each number.
But then that wouldn't be counting to a million. That would be counting to ten 100,000 times.
I say if you count to a million, do it right. Assume that you add another second for each two digits. From 1 to 10 takes about half a second per number, from 10 to 100 takes about a second per number, from 100 to 1000 takes about a second and a half per number, and so on.
Hmm. Two seconds per number from 1000 to 10,000, two and a half from 10,000 to 100,000, and three from 100,000 to 1,000,000. That's fair. It takes me about three seconds to say "nine hundred ninety-nine thousand, nine hundred ninety-nine."
So that's ten times 0.5, plus 90 times 1, plus 900 times 1.5, plus 9000 times 2, plus 90,000 times 2.5, plus 900,000 times 3.
Let me open up the calculator program. 5 + 90 + 1350 + 18000 + 225000 + 2700000. That's 2,944,445 seconds.
Give or take.
Yeah, give or take a few numbers like 5000 and 160,000 where you don't pronounce all the digits.
Which gives you time to eat, I guess.
But still, divided by 86,400 seconds in a day, that's over a month.
Way longer than I thought.
I suppose people like us who go to the trouble of figuring out stuff like this have almost as much extra time on our hands as people who try to count to a million.
I suppose.
Comic #887
January 26 2011
MOUSEOVER TEXT: I looked for more 'scope'-ending words and found that episcopes are real.
I once told my husband and his friend the following joke:
Extraterrestrials abducted this guy and took him up to their spaceship to do experiments on him. Soon he noticed a strange medical device they were using, and asked what it was.
"It's sort of the opposite of an endoscope," they replied. "An endoscope is for looking inside you, and its name comes from the Latin 'endo' meaning 'inside,' as opposed to 'exo' meaning 'outside,' or 'epi' meaning 'on the surface.' This device is for looking at the surface of your skin, and it is called an episcope."
"But then," said the guy, "what are you doing using Latin? You're not Catholics. You're Episcope Aliens!"
It was a failure. Neither my husband nor his friend understood that "Episcope Aliens" was a pun on "Episcopalians." And not only that, but instead of asking me to explain the joke, they simply assumed that the joke made no sense, and ridiculed me about it for hours. I suppose this is what I get for being the queen of absurdity in our family.
TEXT OF COMIC:
Hmm, what kind of tree is that? I think I see fruit on it, but I'm not sure.
If you think there's something growing
on the tree up there,
Look into a periscope
and see if it's a pear!
Very funny.
If you think the sun
is as hot as hell,
Look into a telescope
and see if you can tell!
Um, are you making these up on the spot, or have you waited years for the right moment to share them?
If you think your husband
isn't faithful any more,
Look into your horoscope
and see him with a whore!
Okay, that's enough.
If you think this song's
no good, my friend,
use it like an endoscope
and stick it up your end!
Comic #888
January 27 2011
MOUSEOVER TEXT: Here we are, violating every comic-making rule in honor of strip #888.
This is one of those comics where I had trouble deciding which lines to give Abby and which ones to give Norma. The rant in the walls of text is definitely an Abby rant, but the pun in the last panel is an Abby pun, too. Sometimes I think I should be writing Abby and Abby instead of Abby and Norma.
TEXT OF COMIC:
You know, it bothers me when people complain about long monologues in comic strip speech bubbles-- or "walls of text," as they call them. What, do they expect the cartoonist to create an unrealistic fantasy world where everyone speaks in succinct little blurbs and no one ever rambles on and on the way people do in real life? Where's the humor in a utopian idealism where everybody talks in aesthetically pleasing ways? I thought most of the fun of comics was how they portray people with human flaws.
Or do those complaining idiots just hate information so much that they simply prefer to have their reading material contain as little of it as possible? To be brutally honest, a wall of text is the most efficient way to convey the maximum amount of content within the medium of the comic. And there are people who whine about having trouble understanding jokes that require too much knowledge in order to get the punch line, but frankly, they're just lazy bums.
Complex jokes are the funniest of all, because the more parts a joke has, the more cleverness was required in order to construct it. And walls of text can provide the most material for a joke in the smallest space. People should just shut up and learn to love wordy humor. Making an effort to learn something from the speech bubbles prior to the punchline will make the joke all the more rewarding when you get to it. A comic should make you think as well as laugh.
Monosyllabic balloon contents are caveman humor, not intellectual wit. No educated person gets a laugh out of grunts and one-word mumbles. I mean, everything that can fit in a tiny little bubble is so short and simple that it's already been said thousands of times. The longer a joke is, the more chance that there will be something truly original in it, something that contains enough element of surprise to have some real effect on someone's sense of humor.
Hey, look, Abby. I broke your fourth wall.
Shut up.
Comic #889
January 28 2011
MOUSEOVER TEXT: Every offer is a limited-time offer, in the great scheme of things.
Eating a food that advertises itself as a limited-time offer is like going on a date with a foreign businessman who will only be in your country for a week.
Except with the foreign businessman, you at least might have the option of moving if you fall deeply enough in love.
TEXT OF COMIC:
Want to go to the ice cream shop? They have a new raspberry-orange shake.
No thanks.
What's wrong? You never turn down sweets.
I saw their ad for it. It said "for a limited time only."
Well, that's all the more reason to eat it while we still can.
But what if I actually LIKE it?
What if it becomes one of my favorite foods, and then the limited time offer ends and I can never, ever eat it again in my whole life? How do you think I'll feel then?
Wow. I guess I hadn't thought that far ahead.
Advertising is rarely aimed at people who think far ahead.
Comic #890
January 31 2011
MOUSEOVER TEXT: Some birds make better analogies. Like ducks.
It also bothers me that bees going into flowers are always used as a metaphor for sex. It bothers me mainly because pollination IS a sex act, but the ones having sex are the flowers, and the bee is just helping... for which there isn't really an analogy in human sex, unless you're talking about artificial insemination.
TEXT OF COMIC:
Ever wonder why the phrase "the birds and the bees" is used to talk about sex education?
I try not to.
If I were choosing an analogy to use when explaining human reproduction, I certainly wouldn't think, "Hmm, let's compare it to a species where two beings with an identical lack of external genitalia rub their bottoms together in a cloacal kiss, after which one of them extrudes a sort of external uterus that gestates her offspring outside her body."
I also wouldn't think, "Let's compare it to a species that lives in societies with only one reproductive female, the mother of all the other sterile, genitally-deformed inhabitants, who hatch as grubs from her eggs, pupate, and then perform mindless slave labor for her for the rest of their lives."
Do you suppose this is why people in our society grow up with such weird ideas about sex?
I TOLD you I try not to think about it.
24 Comics in 24 Hours
February 1 2011
Okay, so I decided to jump on the bandwagon and do 24 comics in 24 hours today-- despite my better judgement, and the shortage of ideas I've been experiencing lately, and the fact that I worked a full 8-hour shift in the stockroom. So they were mostly what I shall call "stand-up comics": one-panel doodles drawn in my tiny moments of free time, often while standing up, on the pages of the little notebook I carry in the pocket of my work pants. The style is inspired partly by Scribs, partly by Left-Handed Toons, partly by Kate Beaton, but mostly it's just the way I draw when I'm sketching cryptic messages to myself and I don't care if anyone else ever sees it. Here they are. You have been warned.
TEXT OF COMIC:
CUT OUT THIS COMIC AND FOLD OUT THE FLAP ON THE BACK AND IT WILL BE A STSND-UP COMIC
SHUT UP
THESE ARE DRAWN ON HELLO KITTY PAPER
IT WAS ON SALE
THAT IS NO EXCUSE
IT WAS THE RIGHT SIZE
NO IT'S NOT. IT IS ENCROACHING ON US!
YOU KNOW, I NEVER EVEN KNEW HELLO KITTY WAS A TV SHOW-- I THOUGHT IT WAS JUST A BRAND OF MERCHANDISE
THAT'S WHAT I THOUGHT ABOUT STAR TREK
SHUT UP
THIS IS CALLED 'BENGAY'
IT IS THE CURE FOR BEING GAY. AFTER YOU USE IT, YOU HAVE BEN GAY, BUT YOU ARE NOT ANY MORE
WHAT IF YOU USE IT AND YOU HAVE NEVER BEEN GAY?
THEN IT CHANGES YOUR PAST!
SHE'S STARING AT ME
I'M GOING INSANE
MAKE IT STOP
WEAR A HAT
THEN SHE CAN'T SEE YOU
WOW YOU HAT WAS BADLY DRAWN IN THE LAST PANEL
I THOUGHT AT FIRST IT WAS A SNAKE EATING AN ELEPHANT
SHUT UP
I MUST BE GETTING OLD
OR YOUNG
OR SOMETHING
SHE HAS NO HAIR, WHAT IS THE RIBBON FOR
UNTIE IT AND SEE
NO I'M NOT TOUCHING HER
WELL... IF YOU UNTIE IT, HER EAR FALLS OFF
THE HAT IS STILL BADLY DRAWN... WE SHOULD CRUMPLE UP THIS PAGE AND THROW IT ON THE GRUND
NO... THEN IT WOULD BE HELLO KITTY LITTER
WHAT HAPPENED TO THE HAT?
READ THIS BOOK AND SEE
THE CAT IN THE HAT
THIS IS ASPERCREME. IT IS THE CURE FOR ASPERGER'S SYNDROME.
I PUT SOME ON AND NOW I AM AN ASPARAGUS
WHOOPS I WAS WRONG
I'LL MEET YOU BACK HERE IN AN HOUR
WHAT? YOU CAN LEAVE?
YUP, I JUST WALK OUT
YES! WE ARE FREE FROM THE KITTY!
NO, YOU HAVE TO STAY... THE COMIC IS NOT FUNNY WITHOUT YOU
IT'S ALREADY NOT FUNNY!
SHE SAID SHE WOULD BE BACK IN AN HOUR... SHE STOOD ME UP
I TOLD YOU IT WAS A STAND-UP COMIC
ARTIST, WHY ARE YOU NOT DRAWING ME BETTER AS THE HOURS GO ON? I THOUGHT PRACTICE MAKES PERFECT
I'M NOT DRAWING YOU BADLY FOR LACK OF PRACTICE... I'M DRAWING YOU BADLY BECAUSE I'M DOING THIS COMICS IN MY DOWN TIME DURING MY JOB IN THE STOCKROOM
ARTIST, WHY ARE YOU NOT DRAWING ME BETTER AS THE HOURS GO ON? I THOUGHT PRACTICE MAKES PERFECT
PRACTICE DOES NOT MAKE PERFECT. ONLY HAVING FACTORS THAT ADD UP TO YOURSELF CAN MAKE PERFECT
ARTIST, WHY ARE YOU NOT DRAWING ME BETTER AS THE HOURS GO ON? I THOUGHT PRACTICE MAKES PERFECT
THEY ALSO SAY NOBODY'S PERFECT. SO BY THAT LOGIC, NOBODY PRACTICES
HA NOW I THINK I GOT THE JOKE PERFECT
THERE. I FIXED IT.
HELL KITTY
WHY LAUNDROMATS SAY "COIN LAUNDRY" ON THEM
THEY ARE FOR LAUNDERING COINS. YOU ROB A VENDING MACHINE, YOU CAN'T SPEND ALL THE COINS, IT'LL LOOK SUSPICIOUS. SO YOU USE THEM TO CLEAN YOUR CLOTHES
HOW DO YOU GET YOUR MONEY BACK
YOU SELL THE... CLEANNESS FROM YOUR CLOTHES
YEAH IT DOESN'T MAKE SENSE
WANNA WATCH "BRAVEHEART"?
AW MAN, HE HAS HIS OWN MOVIE NOW?
HUH?
KINDA LIKE THE WOLVERINE MOVIE FROM THE XMEN?
WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?
BRAVEHEART IS THE LION FROM THE CARE BEAR COUSINS, ISN'T HE?
YOU'RE STILL NOT DRAWING ME WELL. DOESN'T PRACTICE MAKE PERFECT?
THERE, I DREW YOU PERFECT
YOU... YOU DREW ME AS A HERMAPHRODITE
PLANTS THAT HAVE MALE AND FEMALE PARTS IN THE SAME PLACE ARE CALLED "PERFECT"
IT'S A BOTANICAL TERM
THIS IS BLISTEX. IT'S A CURE FOR BLISTERS
NO IT'S NOT
THIS IS PRILOSEC, IT'S A CURE FOR PRIAPISM
NO IT'S NOT
THIS IS ROBITUSSIN, IT'S A CURE FOR ROBUSTNESS
TAKE IT AND YOU WON'T BE HEALTHY ANYMORE
HEY, YOU WANNA BUY THE CLEANNESS OF THIS SHIRT?
WHAT?
PAY ME $50 AND YOU GET TO WEAR THIS SHIRT UNTIL IT'S DIRTY
ARE YOU LAUNDERING MONEY?
HA, OOPS, YOU GOT ME
KARAT
CARAT
CARET
CARROT
QARATTE
YOU MADE THAT NE UP
I DON'T CARIT WAS FUN
HANG ON, WE'RE ALMOST DONE
HELLO KITTY, MORE LIKE GOODBYE KITTY!!!
REALLY, CALM DOWN
ALL RIGHT, THE COMICS ARE OVER, WE DON'T HAVE TO STAND UP ANYMORE, WE CAN SIT DOWN
THAT'S A RELIEF
A COMIC RELIEF
SHUT UP
NO, IT'S NOT A SHUT UP COMIC
Comic #891
February 1 2011
MOUSEOVER TEXT: No, he's more than that! Vulcans are PEEEOPLE, too!
No, he's more than that! Vulcans are PEEEOPLE, too!
I myself do not hesitate to admit that I was obsessively in love with Spock all through junior high, high school and college, even though Nimoy was old enough to be my grandfather and Spock himself was young enough to be my great-grandson.
Hey, maybe he will be. They never said his mom's maiden name wasn't Hammerschmidt. Canonically she's just Amanda, though some novels call her Amanda Grayson, and some fans joke that she was named Hatfield (which might explain Spock's feud with McCoy, I guess).
But I digress. And I'm being ridiculous. In the impossible event that I ever have a kid, I won't saddle it with my own last name. No offense to my dad's side of the family, but thirteen letters, five of which are consecutive consonants, is not something I wish on anybody. (I would've taken John Ricker's name when I married him, but Erika Ricker would sound worse.)
TEXT OF COMIC:
Want to watch "Amok Time"?
I've seen every episode of Star Trek, especially that one.
But Spock is so hot in it!
Do you still have a crush on Spock? Seriously?
Every nerd has a crush on Spock, Norma, and denying it gains you nothing.
Hans doesn't have a crush on Spock.
Hans isn't a nerd, he's beyond that. He's asexual and he can't watch Star Trek because the inaccurate science bothers him too much. There needs to be a different, stronger word for what Hans is.
Why do you suppose so many nerds have the hots for Spock, anyway?
It's an attraction that goes beyond nerdy or not nerdy, I think. It's the unattainable, the mysterious stranger, the strong silent type.
With green blood.
The green, soylent type.
He's only half Soylent Green.
Comic #892
February 2 2011
MOUSEOVER TEXT: Actually, "don't take dating advice from Cathy" is a basic social skill.
The two most pointless social settings in existence: noisy bars, and dances where the music is so loud that no one can hear you scream.
TEXT OF COMIC:
Geez, that guy over there is ugly.
No, he's not, Cathy. He just looks like a nerd.
He probably bought all his clothes off clearance racks.
Sounds like a smart guy. And he's buying science fiction books. I like him already. If he asked me out, I'd probably date him.
God, you're stupid. You need to learn some basic social skills.
I didn't know "don't date guys unless they wear designer clothes" was a basic social skill.
And that is why they diagnosed you with Asperger's. You simply don't understand social interaction.
I have plenty of social interaction. I talk to Norma and Hans and Ron all the time.
But they're not normal people. You need normal social interaction.
No I don't. From my observations of you, normal social interaction mostly consists of going to bars. And bars are too noisy to hear what people are saying. Normal social interaction involves no communicating, and therefore it isn't really social interaction at all.
It usually ends in getting laid, though.
It's sad that people like you reproduce more.
Comic #893
February 3 2011
MOUSEOVER TEXT: as dumb as a poster on 4chan, maybe?
I looked online, and apparently it's "That girl like something off a poster." Well, at least I got the "poster" part right. I think I have trouble understanding hip-hop lyrics because I keep expecting them to be grammatically correct.
TEXT OF COMIC:
Charlene's like a melody in my head that I can't keep out... Gah! I hate that song, but I can't stop singing it. The lyrics are all too fitting.
It's not "Charlene." It's "Shawty."
Seriously? Wow, he pronounces that word even weirder than most of those singers pronounce it. It totally sounded like "Charlene."
I can't understand half the lyrics of that song, actually. I mean, there's a part where I'd swear he says "That girl is as dumb as a poster."
I think it was "That girl is a gun to my holster."
No, I'm not talking about that part, I'm talking about the part before it, that's supposed to rhyme with it. Although I don't understand the "gun to my holster" part, either.
I mean, maybe it's saying their personalities fit together perfectly? But it just evokes sexual imagery that's... not what one would expect.
Popular singers pretty much bet their careers on nobody listening to their lyrics.
Comic #894
February 4 2011
MOUSEOVER TEXT: that, of course, was Abby's whole goal in bringing up this topic
Making an experimental country out of the kind of people who would choose to live in an anarchy... well, that's a bit of a sampling bias to say the least.
TEXT OF COMIC:
You know what would be an interesting social experiment? Setting up a country with no laws.
You mean, a country where you could steal things and kill people without ever getting in trouble for it?
Oh, you'd get in trouble, with whoever was mad at you for doing it. But it would be much messier trouble. I'm betting a society like that would reveal fascinating truths about the human psyche.
Sounds awful.
Yeah, but anyone who chose to live in a society with no rules would basically be agreeing to accept whatever crazy things might happen there. It might be barbaric, but at least it would be consensually barbaric.
But what would happen if people had kids there? The kids didn't choose to live there, and it's not exactly easy for them to leave if they want to. So any terrible things that happened to THEM wouldn't be consensual.
I guess you would have to just not let people have kids there.
But then it wouldn't be a country with no rules.
Okay, maybe people have to be surgically sterilized BEFORE they move to the country. We'd figure out something.
What do you think the world could learn from an experiment like that, anyway?
We could learn how much of human goodwill is inherent and how much is based on fear of the law. Would people kill and steal all the time, just because they could? Would the fear of lawless revenge scare people away from crime just as well as the fear of lawful punishment?
Or would people just keep being nice because it's human nature? Can people even exist without laws, or would a legal system grow up out of nothing despite all attempts to maintain anarchy?
Well, whatever result you got, it would be tainted by the fact that all the people in the nation were raised in places that had legal systems. Their goodwill might be ingrained from childhood.
Hmm. Now I can see the advantages of letting the country reproduce.
I am never letting you babysit my kids.
Comic #895
February 7 2011
MOUSEOVER TEXT: I may be cynical, but I really want to put Norma's last line on a T-shirt.
My school did the same stupid thing when I was in college. Every time I renewed my scholarship, there was a frantic week of searching and stressing, with my parents trying to find their tax documents while I panicked about whether I would keep getting my scholarship.
Did it happen for a good reason? Well, it did give me the inspiration for this comic strip.
TEXT OF COMIC:
I can't stand this!
Hmm?
Remember the scholarship I got when I enrolled in this stupid college? I got a notice saying I had to fill out some form to renew it. So I went in to the registrar's office to get the form. And it's asking for stuff like my parents' tax documents!
Seriously, it is the exact same form you fill out when you're applying for financial aid, and having to prove that you're so poor that you can't pay for school on your own. I am renewing an academic scholarship! This is not the same thing at all! The world is trying to drive me INSANE!
Don't take it so hard. Everything happens for a reason.
That is total crap! What possible reason could there be? You tell me, right now, why did THIS happen?
It happened because the school finds it easier to reuse a form than go to the trouble of printing a new one.
That makes me feel SO MUCH BETTER.
Everything happens for a reason, but pretty much nothing happens for a GOOD reason.
Comic #896
February 8 2011
MOUSEOVER TEXT: When will prejudice start being listed in the DSM-IV?
You can call homosexuality a disorder, or you can discriminate against people who have it, but you can't do both.
Personally, I've been labeled abnormal and disabled for so long that I've ceased to have the same associations with those words that most people do. I don't mind if people say some aspect of my behavior is abnormal-- people who call themselves normal have not exactly done much to make me value normality.
I'm not insulted by the words "disorder" and "disability," although I find them somewhat inaccurate. (I mean, "Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder"? How much more oxymoronic can you get?) If people called my sexual orientation a disease or disorder, I would shrug and roll my eyes and not really care. The definitions of "disease" and "disorder" are dependent on the definition of normality, which nobody can define, and which doesn't even really matter in the great scheme of things.
TEXT OF COMIC:
In 1973, being gay was removed from the American Psychiatric Association's official list of mental disorders.
Hmm.
And then in 1990, the Americans with Disabilities Act was passed, preventing people with mental and physical disorders from facing workplace discrimination.
Oh, my gosh.
And now, in 2011, many workplaces still discriminate based on sexual orientation.
Bad timing, huh?
Makes you think, at least.
Comic #897
February 9 2011
MOUSEOVER TEXT: No matter what you do, it might kill someone. Have a nice day.
I usually don't smile at strangers, because they usually interpret it as either a sexual advance or some other attempt to get something from them. The world is a cynical place.
TEXT OF COMIC:
What a sad story.
Hmm?
The guy they found in the river under the Golden Gate Bridge, with a note in his pocket saying "Today I'm going to walk to the bridge. If one person smiles at me, I won't jump."
Oh, Lord, that is such an old story.
People tell that story over and over again, talking about how far a little kindness can go.
Well, it can. What if someone had smiled at him?
For one thing, you don't even know that nobody did. Maybe someone did and he jumped anyway. Suicidal people don't always keep their own promises, you know.
Or maybe no one did, and MAYBE if someone had, it would have kept him from jumping THAT DAY, but it sure wasn't going to root out all his problems just like that. You don't cure suicidal depression with one minuscule, fleeting change in a person's environment.
Is this why you aren't nicer to people?
If you ever find me in the river, there'll be a note in my pocket saying "I'm gonna jump if one more condescending jerk fakes a pitying smile at me."
Comic #898
February 10 2011
MOUSEOVER TEXT: This is the Association for Learning Technology text.
According to the intarwebs, Norma stands for No Remote Memory Access, and Abby stands for American Booksellers Book of the Year.
TEXT OF COMIC:
I'm going to start treating words as if they are acronyms.
What?
Didn't you hear me? You must need hearing Acquired Immune Deficiency Syndrome.
Huh?
See? I just said you needed hearing aids, but I treated "aids" like an acronym. And you just Scholastic Aptitude Test there and failed to understand me.
I think this is a dumb idea.
And I think I'm ushering in a new Equal Rights Amendment in human speech. Now I'm going to leave you to think about what a Computer Assisted Drafting you've been, and go read "The Rats of Nickel Metal Hydride."
More like National Institute of Mental Health.
Comic #899
February 11 2011
MOUSEOVER TEXT: Abby's disbelief got an in-school suspension.
If enough of my readers campaign for this change to occur in the movie industry, we can make a difference. Hey, it happened with Left Handed Toons and the Subway cheese policy.
TEXT OF COMIC:
This sitcom is so dumb. Why are we watching it?
Because we're too lazy to change the channel while we wait for Star Trek to come on. You're right, it is a dumb sitcom. Are people really that stupid? Do real women ask their husbands for an honest opinion on their clothes and then yell at them no matter what they say?
I don't think it can possibly be as bad in real life as it is in the sitcoms. If it were, nobody would find it funny when they saw it on TV.
That's an interesting hypothesis. Lots of things happen on television despite never happening in real life... but you think some things happen on television BECAUSE they never happen in real life?
Well, not many things. But some. Like phone numbers starting with 555.
That's not quite the same thing.
But it always throws me out of the story. I'll be all caught up in a movie, forgetting it's a movie, and then I'll see a phone number starting with 555 and it's a jolt back to reality.
I'll think, "Oh look, they wanted to keep real people from calling that number, so they used a prefix that's never used in any real phone numbers." And then the movie's ruined for me, because the stupid phone number broke the spell.
That ruins the movie for you?
The worst thing is, they don't even have to do that. All they have to do is substitute an obscure area code instead of 555.
For instance, 218 is an area code in northern Minnesota. If some movie character gave another character his phone number and it was, say, 218-3705, nobody in real life could call it, because your phone would just keep waiting for the rest of the number. And no one would notice it was an area code except a few people from northern Minnesota.
What if there was an area code before it?
Same thing would happen. Phone numbers can't begin with prefixes that are also area codes. And there are THOUSANDS of area codes to choose from, so there is NO EXCUSE to keep using the same cliched prefix that slashes the suspenders of our disbelief.
See? It's ruining Star Trek for us already. We've been talking about it so long that Star Trek started and we missed the first minute.
Seeing that you watch Star Trek, I would have thought the suspenders of your disbelief would be stronger.
Comic #900
February 14 2011
MOUSEOVER TEXT: yup, this is all you get for Valentine's Day and comic #900
Cats like this rarely survive.
Of course, if Abby wanted to be truly accurate, she should have remembered that squid have ten legs. (So do lobsters, by the way. And since "gam" is a slang term for "leg," and "ten gam" spelled backwards is "magnet," and opposites attract... well, that explains why Lobster Sticks to Magnet!)
TEXT OF COMIC:
Did you see this picture of the cat with two faces? I guess he started to split from the nose inward when he was an embryo, but the division only went, like, halfway through his head.
Geez. What would that do to the brain? I wonder if he had a split personality.
I suppose he's the opposite of that kitten in the other article a while ago, the one with the narrow head and only one eye. Why does the news keep reporting on deformed kittens, anyway?
Because it sells. Hey, if a cat was born with eight legs, you know what it would be called?
An octo-puss? That joke was dumb even for you.
I was thinking of "catamari."
Comic #901
February 15 2011
MOUSEOVER TEXT: pullup is a palindrome
I think it's unforgivable that pretty much all child labor laws have exceptions for child actors. When digital technology makes it easy and cheap to have an adult play a child, or computer-animate a child entirely, people will look back on child acting the way we look back on slavery today.
When you think about it, technology has made human rights more possible across the board. Before industrialization, it was pretty hard to produce enough of anything to satisfy a whole city unless you had slaves. Before birth control pills, women by their very nature had less freedom than men. Maybe someday we'll be able to synthesize meat and leather that are just like the real thing, and then people will start to think of animal farming as another kind of outdated oppression.
TEXT OF COMIC:
Ooh, now another really stupid commercial is on.
I hate ads for Pull-Ups. How do they convince nine-year-old kids to act in commercials for diapers? Especially the ones where the kids are actually talking about the problem they have. It's even sicker and more twisted than most child acting jobs.
Yeah, those kids must suffer agonies at school afterwards. If child actors go to school.
How can it even be legal to force a kid to humiliate himself like that?
Well, kids have a built-in defense against life-wrecking humiliation: they can start over again in a new social circle, since they automatically change their appearance after a certain number of years.
So it's more acceptable to ruin a kid's life than an adult's.
Yup. Except for adults who are about to die of old age.
Comic #902
February 16 2011
MOUSEOVER TEXT: I can IMAGINE it being real, that's why it's the weirdest thing IMAGINABLE
Abby only knows who Kirstie Alley is because she played Saavik in The Wrath of Khan.
TEXT OF COMIC:
Descartes' argument for God goes basically like this: God is the greatest thing that can be imagined. Therefore, he must exist, because if he didn't, he wouldn't be the greatest thing that can be imagined. An existing God would be undeniably greater than a non-existing God.
But in the same way, you could ask yourself, what's the weirdest scenario that can be imagined?
I don't know. What's the weirdest scenario YOU can imagine?
Well, I came up with one where the whole world turned into a sort of Salvador Dali dream landscape, with hairy misshapen pyramids floating in the sky, and the president was Kirstie Alley with a goatee made of writhing worms.
By Descartes' logic, I just proved that's the way the world really is. If it weren't, it wouldn't be the weirdest scenario imaginable-- a REAL Dali-world with REAL worm-goatees would be undeniably weirder than an imaginary Dali-world with imaginary worm-goatees.
So that's your argument against Descartes?
Well, actually I prefer to attack his assertion that God is the greatest thing imaginable. I'm sure we can all imagine something greater than the God that supposedly exists.
Can you?
If God were really the greatest thing imaginable, he would have given the real Kirstie Alley a goatee made of writhing worms.
Comic #903
February 17 2011
MOUSEOVER TEXT: the hall director in abby's dorm building was sooooo mad
I asked my husband about this prank and he said that stomping on the flaming dog poo makes perfect sense, because it's the quickest way to put the fire out before it spreads. I dunno. If it happened to me, I would still run and get the fire extinguisher instead. I don't usually have shoes on when I'm in the house, and putting them on would take longer than getting the fire extinguisher. And even if I had shoes on, I'd rather take some extra time than risk melting my good soles, especially considering that the average doorstep isn't all that flammable.
TEXT OF COMIC:
Abby, want to help me get ready for this year's April Fool prank on Karen?
What? You're making April Fool plans already?
Yup! I'm going to--
Forget it. I will have nothing to do with any prank of yours.
Are you still mad at me about--
YES I'm still mad at you about the time you set something ON FIRE on my doorstep.
Well, for what it's worth, I'm still mad that you sprayed it with a friggin' fire extinguisher.
It was on fire! What exactly did you expect me to do?
Stomp on it! Then it would have been funny, because you would've gotten your foot dirty, because it was a bag of dog poo.
Kid, for that to work as a prank, I would have to be someone who would be upset to get dog crap on her foot, and yet would somehow be okay with sticking her foot in a FIRE. I don't think there ARE people with that much contradiction in their thought patterns. Where did you get the idea for that, anyway?
A... a normal person taught it to me.
I'll believe that.
Comic #904
February 18 2011
MOUSEOVER TEXT: I call this the Phi Psi Pi Potato Cannon! *zoom* *tatersmack*
Personally I think that criticizing in private is a good idea, but only if it is tactful constructive criticism. Abby should have pointed out Norma's butt-X in private. However, if you're going to flame someone just to be mean... well, then you're a jerk, but I'd rather you do it in public where others can defend the person.
TEXT OF COMIC:
Well, that was the worst lunch I've had in a while. Thanks a lot, jerk.
I... I'm sorry. I thought I was helping.
So you noticed that I had sat down on some fresh graffiti on the bus bench, and I had a big black "X" on my butt, and then, when we're in the middle of the cafeteria, standing next to a table full of drunk sorority girls, you pick THAT moment to announce it?
That was when I noticed. I thought I should tell you as soon as possible.
Hasn't anyone ever told you, "Praise in public, criticize in private"?
No. And I think it's mean and cowardly to tell someone what's wrong with their looks in private. Criticizing in private is like separating your prey from the herd and then tearing it to pieces when it's alone and defenseless.
Wait, so in your analogy I'm an antelope and you're a lion? Did it ever occur to you that all the drunk sorority girls were lions too?
Not until they started using the X on your butt for tater-tot target practice.
Comic #905
February 21 2011
MOUSEOVER TEXT: yep, 'sub' is actually short for 'substitute for seahorse.'
Ron is just here for the heck of it this time.
TEXT OF COMIC:
Why do you "drive" a car, but "ride" a bike?
Huh?
When I think of "riding," I think of having less control over the vehicle. In a car, the passengers are the ones riding. And yet, you control the motion of a bike much more than a car. Why do we use the word "ride" for that?
People used to get around by means of horses, you know. If you were sitting on the horse, it was riding, and if you were controlling a horse that was pulling a carriage, it was driving.
When bicycles were invented, they were seen as a substitute for riding horses, and when cars were invented, they were seen as horseless carriages. The words just got passed on.
What were airplanes seen as a substitute for?
Winged horses. And submarines were a substitute for seahorses.
I can usually recognize the point at which you start making crap up.
Comic #906
February 22 2011
MOUSEOVER TEXT: OK, I lied yesterday. Ron was there because he was going to do this.
My hobby page has a section on Starfleet car logos. Unfortunately, neither the Honda Civic nor the Toyota Avalon is on the list.
TEXT OF COMIC:
There sure are a lot of automobile logos that bear some resemblance to the Starfleet insignia.
Do you suppose it's an attempt to get car drivers subconsciously thinking that they're Captain Kirk?
I think it's just that any logo has a chance of happening to look somehow vaguely like something you recognize-- especially when you're looking for it, and especially when the thing you want it to look like is simple, cool-looking and symmetrical.
Yeah... car companies do like symmetry, don't they?
Hey, Ron, palindromes are symmetrical-- aren't there a lot of car names that work well in palindromes?
Civic.
A Toyota.
Avalon: a clover, if no garden. O, erupt, pure one! Dragon fire! Volcano lava!
Got a little carried away there, huh?
Comic #907
February 23 2011
MOUSEOVER TEXT: Turns out people don't like it when you kiss their butts literally.
I got in logic battles like this all the time in high school. Once we had ice cream, and someone was too grossed out to eat it because supposedly some kid had picked his nose and eaten the booger over the ice cream bowl. I said, "well, if he ate the booger, then it didn't go in the ice cream, so I don't see the problem." People did not understand my point.
The same sort of stuff that happened with "sanitation" also happened with "decency." Once, in class, I got overheated and tried to take off the sweater that was on over my t-shirt, and my para yelled at me because the action required undoing the straps of my overalls. Apparently being seen with my overall straps undone for a few seconds was "indecent," even though I wasn't showing any more skin than otherwise, and was still showing less skin than most of the other students in the room. Whatever.
TEXT OF COMIC:
Nobody seems to agree with me on what is sanitary.
I'll agree with that.
Someone called me unsanitary when I washed my hands in the drinking fountain.
Oh really.
Yeah! Apparently they weren't willing to drink water out of a machine that had squirted water onto my hands-- even though they were totally okay with drinking water out of a machine that had squirted water into my MOUTH. Where's the logic in that?
Hmm-- yeah, mouths are more likely to spread disease than hands. I don't know why it's unsanitary to wash your hands in the drinking fountain.
It isn't! They're just stupid hypocrites. I bet they'd be more upset if I wiped my mouth on their butts than if I touched their butts with my hands.
Are you going to test that hypothesis?
They do kind of deserve it.
Comic #908
February 24 2011
MOUSEOVER TEXT: Of course, you have to pronounce gender with a hard g in the last panel...
I suppose vowels aren't all interchangeable if the Spoonerism contains multiple words beginning with vowels. If I were to Spoonerize "Odor Eater," I'd change it to "Eader Oater" rather than leaving it unchanged.
TEXT OF COMIC:
You're gross, eating oatmeal for breakfast. That stuff is slimy and awful.
Shut up. I don't criticize your food.
Oatmeal can be Spoonerized to "moat eel."
No it can't. "Oat" doesn't start with "e," and "eel" doesn't start with "o."
Doesn't matter. All vowels are interchangeable when you Spoonerize. A vowel is like a wild card that can get you any other vowel.
"Ender's Game" turns into "Gender's Aim." "Ebay" turns into "B.A." "Abby stinks" turns into "Stabby inks."
Ut shup.
Comic #909
February 25 2011
MOUSEOVER TEXT: Most people take it as an insult if you assume they're idiots, too.
Abby does not fit most people's idea of what an idiot looks like, but she also does not fit people's idea of what an agreeable conversation partner looks like.
TEXT OF COMIC:
People usually take it as an insult if you don't trust them.
That's hardly a new insight.
But it's so stupid! People take it as an insult if you don't trust them, even if you met them just a minute ago!
I think it's a dismal theory-of-mind failure. People are somehow unable or unwilling to look at the situation from your perspective-- even though, in your position, they probably also wouldn't trust someone they met just a minute ago.
Actually, there you're wrong. Most people will trust someone they met a minute ago-- if that person fits their idea of what a trustworthy person looks like.
So by not trusting someone, you're insulting their appearance, by implying that they don't look trustworthy.
No I'm not! All I'm implying is that I'm not the kind of idiot who HAS an "idea of what a trustworthy person looks like"!
Well, they can't tell the difference.
Are they saying I look like an idiot?
Comic #910
February 28 2011
MOUSEOVER TEXT: i'm a normisogynist
I've realized that, as a woman with a logical mind, I have the responsibility to make this observation. A normal woman wouldn't say it, and if a man said it, he'd be accused of sexism. But it's true. Normal women-- quit being hypocrites. Either stop begging to have babies, or stop complaining about having babies. When we're all immortal cyborgs, you can have as many babies as you want in virtual reality simulations.
Not to be unfair-- normal men have plenty of irrational traits too. (See #794 and #274 .) Gender isn't the problem-- following stupid social rules is the problem.
But I personally am not as angry about it as Abby is. One can't really blame people for what society has raised them to do. The more I realize that all personality traits come from either biology or upbringing, the less I'm able to stay mad at anyone for anything.
Plus, I spend most of my time with nerdy weird people, who follow gender roles much less. Most of the stereotypical male and female behaviors are very illogical, and nerds like logic.
TEXT OF COMIC:
You know, for all my feminism, I've realized that I kind of hate women.
Whaaa?
Normal women, anyway.
I mean, they don't want to be viewed as baby-making machines, and yet at a certain point in marriage, babies are seriously all they think about. They will nag and push and coerce their men into impregnating them, when the men aren't even sure they want babies.
And then afterwards, they will whine and guilt-trip their husbands and children about how much pain and suffering they went through-- when actually they begged and pleaded for the privilege of going through all that pain and suffering.
If we're going to have equality, we have to have consistency. You can't eliminate double standards when you have double standards built into your own thinking patterns. You can't have equal rights between people when you have contradiction within people.
So women can't be treated with full equality until babies are gestated and raised by robots.
Or we all become immortal cyborgs and don't need babies anymore.
Comic #911
March 1 2011
MOUSEOVER TEXT: Spock cops is a palindrome.
I hate any form of unrehearsed television. The only thing that enables me to watch conflict, drama, awkwardness and humiliation on TV is the knowledge that the actors aren't really experiencing the suffering they portray.
TEXT OF COMIC:
I hate these cop reality shows.
They're not reality shows, Abby.
Sure they are. They're unrehearsed. A cop carries a camera around while he apprehends criminals. How is that not a reality show?
A reality show may be unrehearsed, but it's staged. People are put together in a way specifically engineered to create drama. Otherwise you can't call it a reality show.
So is "Jeopardy" a reality show? It's staged and unrehearsed.
"Jeopardy" is a game show. Seriously, has anyone ever taught you this terminology?
I'm just having trouble figuring it out because it doesn't make logical sense. It seems the less realistic something is, the more likely it is to be called a reality show.
Well, words don't always make sense.
If words made sense, the news would be a reality show.
Actually, I think the news is mostly staged and rehearsed these days too.
Comic #912
Mar 2 2011
MOUSEOVER TEXT: Abby cleverly used the technique she posited in comic #899.
Abby can call her mom without revealing her phone number because her mom is the last person on earth who has no cell phone and no caller ID box. Just having a cordless phone was an enormous step for her.
TEXT OF COMIC:
Abby! I haven't heard from you in ages!
Yeah, that's because you never check your email.
I've tried to call you and I've never gotten you.
I changed my cell phone number so you wouldn't.
Abby!
Anyway, the reason I'm calling you now is because you seriously need to stop sending me so many letters. My campus box is overflowing. And nobody uses snail mail for transmitting information anymore. That's basically just killing trees for the fun of it.
I don't even remember my email address.
Well, I barely remember my mailing address, so let's just agree to stay out of touch.
That's unacceptable. I should at least know your new phone number.
But I changed it specially so you wouldn't--
Abby, if you want me to continue funding your college career--
Okay, okay. 507-9105. That's 5 as in 512, 0 as in 007, 7 as in 747, 9 as in...
You realize that isn't helping me hear the numbers any better.
If you're having trouble hearing it, I'll email it to you.
Comic #913
March 3 2011
MOUSEOVER TEXT: A virtual roadtrip with Abby's mom might be worse than a real one.
Someday I'll do this. And I won't need to bring a camera for all the sights I'll see-- just my trusty screencap keyboard shortcut.
TEXT OF COMIC:
So Mom wants me to come visit her again. She's going to come pick me up and drive me halfway across the country.
Well, you'll get a lot of time to talk to her.
I think it's going to kill me.
Some people think road trips are a wonderful way to get closer to people.
I think they're a traumatically painful waste of time and gasoline. You can get the same experience on Google Street View.
Would you seriously go on a virtual road trip across the country on Google Street View?
Of course! It would be awesome. We could sit in two chairs facing the computer screen, and sing songs and eat snacks just like on a real trip.
What about people? What about human contact?
We'll see plenty of people! We can play travel bingo with scenes like public vomiting and urination, or a guy walking into an adult toy store. And best of all, you can go back and take another look hours later if there's a disagreement on whether we actually saw someone.
Wow. If the point of travel is the journey rather than the destination, you just made real vehicles obsolete.
I spy, with my little eye, something beginning with XXX...
Comic #914
March 4 2011
MOUSEOVER TEXT: Yes she does.
Never heard the word "teragram," but etymologically it ought to be a trillion grams. If I did the math right, the mass of the earth is 6 trillion teragrams. We're the densest planet in the solar system. And we certainly act like it.
TEXT OF COMIC:
Abby, welcome home. This is my friend Margaret, who's been looking after the house.
Margaret spelled backwards is "teragram." That's about a billion kilograms.
Are you calling me fat?
Oh, no. You certainly don't look fat. But you must be extremely dense.
Does your daughter always insult people like this?
I'm going to stand back before I get sucked into your gravitational field.
Comic #915
Mar 7 2011
MOUSEOVER TEXT: we now return to regular Abby and Norma
I drank an ice-cream shake to soothe my throat once, and it almost killed my intestines. I think I suck even more at digesting things when I'm already sick.
TEXT OF COMIC:
You're back already?
Yeah. Mom took me home early because I couldn't be polite to her guests.
I would have thought she would see that coming.
Well, it was also because I had a sore throat. She didn't want me infecting all the normal people she hangs out with.
Aw, you got a sore throat?
Man, it hurts. I'm going to go ice-pack my tonsils.
How do you ice-pack your tonsils?
Drink a big ice-cream shake. Repeat for as long as problem persists.
I think you got a sore throat on purpose.
No, it's just something that happens when you get dragged into conversations with someone like Mom.
Comic #916
Mar 8 2011
MOUSEOVER TEXT: I think in Abby and Norma dialogue.
I asked John once whether he thinks in words or pictures, and he said that he can't answer that question because examining how he thinks will change the results. As an example, he said, "Right now I'm thinking in words, but the words are written on the sides of little fish that are swimming past me in my mind." (I don't know if that form of thought began before or after I asked him about his thought processes.)
TEXT OF COMIC:
They say normal people think in words and autistics think in pictures. But I do some of each, and I also sometimes just think in concepts.
What do you mean, concepts?
You can't think in words that you don't know the meanings of. You can't think in pictures of things you don't recognize. You don't think in just words or pictures. You think in words and pictures plus meanings.
And if you can have meanings in your head, why would you need the words or pictures? We should all think in PURE INFORMATION, without all these clunky vehicles for information that are really only good for communicating with other people.
Well, people don't think in pure information.
I do! A lot! And I think most people do, too, they just don't realize it.
When people say "I did it without thinking," they really mean they did it without forming clear thoughts in words or images. They thought in raw data, which goes so fast that most people don't notice it happening.
But I notice it when I do it, and it's awesome. People who can't do it consciously are inferior, and they're gonna be left behind when humanity enters the next stage of evolution.
I swear you're going to become a computer years before the Singularity.
Comic #917
Mar 9 2011
MOUSEOVER TEXT: The style of Cowbirds in Love is rubbing off on me way too much.
Of course, the definition of "eye contact" used in chemical warnings is actually more literal than the definition used in social settings-- when you look someone in the eye, you are not actually bringing your eyes in contact with theirs. Perhaps Aspies' fear of eye contact stems from the literalist assumption that if you look at someone's eyes, they will run up to you and start engaging in eyeball frottage.
TEXT OF COMIC:
In the year 2095, psychologists discovered a rare sub-class of children with Asperger's Syndrome-- most commonly found in undeveloped countries-- who did not share the usual Aspie's fear of eye contact.
After much study, it was determined that this strange missing symptom was due to the fact that these children grew up in homes with no bottled household chemicals.
Children raised with no exposure to bottled cleaners would grow up completely comfortable with looking other people in the eye, even if they manifested all the other symptoms of Asperger's:
social challenges, obsessive fascinations,
and extreme literalism.
DANGER: AVOID EYE CONTACT
I don't think that's what your psychology professor had in mind when he assigned you to write about "correlation between chemical contaminants and the autism epidemic."
I don't care. He deserves what he's getting.
Comic #918
March 10 2011
MOUSEOVER TEXT: Was Abby planning to feed her bird avocado *before* she found out it was poison?
I suppose this comic is a bit of a cautionary tale. However, if we truly refuse to benefit from the great atrocities of history, we must never use them as cautionary tales, because that, too, is a form of benefit.
To be fair, though, of all the truly unethical experiments that have been done on human beings, I can't think of any that yielded results that were actually useful in any real way. For the moment, the moral debate over using the results of unethical studies is still mostly just theoretical.
TEXT OF COMIC:
They say that pet birds can die from eating avocados.
But how did they prove that, I wonder? I can't seem to find the study online. Is it just anecdotal evidence, or did they do actual experiments?
I doubt they did it by analyzing veterinary records-- it would be quite a chore to track down enough bird veterinarians and get enough data on birds that came in sick or dead with known avocado in their systems.
When scientists want information about any animal other than humans, they usually just experiment directly on the animal. Horrifying though it sounds, our data on avian avocado poisoning probably came from gruesome studies killing hundreds of birds.
I refuse to benefit from such brutal acts. It is morally unjustifiable to make practical use of the results of this sickening abuse and murder.
So if I ever have a parrot, I will continue to feed him avocados.
I don't think your parrot will appreciate your moral integrity.
Comic #919
March 11 2011
MOUSEOVER TEXT: I went to Vegas and didn't get drunk or gamble... I am weird...
I know someone who is going to college in Las Vegas, and is very troubled by the fact that, as far as he knows, any degree he earns there will be completely useless in other states.
I find this shocking and somewhat hard to believe, and I've tried to learn more about this problem with Nevada's educational system... but, if there are articles about it on the internet, I don't seem to know the right search terms to find them. However, if it's true, it is the ultimate example of things that happen in Vegas staying in Vegas.
TEXT OF COMIC:
Been through the desert on a horse with no name, felt good to be out of the rain...
Shut up. I don't need another song stuck in my head.
In the desert, no one remembers your name...
It goes "In the desert, you CAN remember your name, 'cause there ain't no one for to give you no pain." Get it right. Geez.
Get it right? How can I get something right by using a triple negative?
Any odd number of negatives is just as good as a single one. And maybe you could get SOMETHING right by just being quiet.
I... I really thought it was "In the desert, no one remembers your name." I thought that was why what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas.
No, that's because everyone who goes to Vegas gets too drunk to remember what happened.
Comic #920
March 14 2011
MOUSEOVER TEXT: that's the kind of dream you get after reading fanfiction
I have dreamt about Mary Poppins being in pon farr, and I have also dreamt about being assimilated by the Pokemon. I very seldom dream about things that happen in real life.
If I were to dream about having an affair with someone, it would probably be someone who didn't exist in the real world, and/or someone I'd wake up feeling really weirded out by the idea of having an affair with. If my husband heard me talk in my sleep about something I was doing, the chances that I'd actually be doing it in real life, or even want to do it in real life, would be virtually nonexistent.
TEXT OF COMIC:
Z
Ooh, look, Abby fell asleep at her kitchen table.
I knew she shouldn't have stayed up so late reading fanfiction.
Mnnmmmble...
I think she's about to start talking in her sleep.
Awesome. Now we can find out all her deep dark secrets, like who she's having an affair with, and stuff.
Does anyone seriously believe that you can find out people's secrets by listening to them talk in their sleep?
Well, when they're asleep, they don't have the presence of mind to hide their secrets.
But they're not even thinking about their secrets! Does anyone actually dream about stuff that happens in real life?
...Why is Mary Poppins still in pon farr? I thought she got assimilated by the Pokemon.
If Abby does, she's hiding a very interesting life from us.
Comic #921
March 15 2011
MOUSEOVER TEXT: maybe it's 'cute' in the old-fashioned sense, meaning clever (short for acute)
John said "I'm a genius" in his sleep once. His ego is absolutely adorable, but that does not have the slightest adverse effect on how much of a genius he is.
TEXT OF COMIC:
The only thing I've ever heard Hans say in his sleep is "I'm a genius."
When did I say that?
In Sociology 299-- arguably the only class where you AREN'T a genius.
Well, yeah, if he was sleeping through it.
Hah. If sleep-talking really reveals secrets about people, that'll tell us something about Hans's ego, I guess. But that's no secret, anyway.
Hey.
Yeah, Norma. Hans IS a genius.
His ego is a genius, seeing how it can always get you to stroke it some more.
A kitten can always get people to stroke it, Norma. That doesn't mean a kitten is a genius, it just means a kitten is cute.
That's why everyone strokes Hans's ego. His ego is CUTE. It all makes sense now!
Hey!
Aw. I think you hurt it, Norma.
Comic #922
March 16 2011
MOUSEOVER TEXT: The more you explain a pun, the less funny it gets.
Abby's eating sloppy joes made with Morningstar Meal Starters imitation ground beef crumbles. That's the kind I eat, anyway. And now you can speculate on whether I'm really a spam bot.
TEXT OF COMIC:
Those sloppy joes are so good, I'm going to have sloppy SECONDS.
You look as if you're expecting me to laugh at your stupid pun.
Why aren't you?
I have only the vaguest idea what "sloppy seconds" means, and I doubt you understand it any better.
Well, but at least I'm pretty sure it doesn't mean "seconds on sloppy joes." I know that it has the same sound and a different meaning from what I was using it to mean. That's all you need in order to appreciate a pun.
That's all YOU need in order to appreciate a pun. But I need more.
Okay. It means "poorly-measured sixtieths of a minute."
Still not laughing.
Comic #923
March 17 2011
MOUSEOVER TEXT: Leaves of four, hurts you more.
My mom tells me a story of an April Fool joke she played as a child, pressing some three-leafed plant in the "P" volume of the encyclopedia right in the middle of the article on poison ivy. Nobody noticed she had played the prank until long after April Fool's Day, but I'm sure it was still absolutely worth it.
TEXT OF COMIC:
Look, Norma! I'm lucky!
You found a four-leafed clover?
No, even rarer! A four-leafed poison ivy!
I wouldn't call that lucky.
You're such a pessimist.
Comic #924
March 18 2011
MOUSEOVER TEXT: Norma gets points for knowing how to type a subscript.
We'll never find out what her first idea was. It might have been good... it had a tried-and-true beginning that has started off many a rollicking episode of canon.
TEXT OF COMIC:
Oh my gosh, I just got the GREATEST idea for a Star Trek fanfiction story. Do you have a pen and paper? Oh yeah, you have a computer. Write this down for me so I don't forget, please?
Arrrggh, okay.
ABBY "GREATEST" FANFIC IDEA
So the Enterprise's dilithium crystals are damaged, and they need new ones. They approach a planet nearby that has immense dilithium deposits under the crust.
ENTERPRISE GO TO PLANET --> GET Li2
That is not how you spell "dilithium."
Yes, that is how I spell it. You got a problem with that?
You don't really think the Enterprise's warp drive runs on two-atom molecules of lithium, do you?
You seriously think that 23rd-century chemistry has figured out how to make lithium form diatomic molecules, and these molecules stick together to form crystals that just happen to be super great for making starships go.
It's as plausible as any Star Trek science.
Aw man, now I have another fanfiction idea.
Comic #925
March 21 2011
MOUSEOVER TEXT: don't expect straight answers from a twisted mind and a bent thumb
My right thumb will only bend backward a little bit, while my left thumb will bend back at virtually a 90-degree angle. According to a palm-reading book I used to have, backward bending of the thumb indicates willingness to acquiesce to other people's desires, and the non-dominant hand reveals one's own inner self, while the dominant hand reveals the front that one shows to the world. So this means that I appear to the world as a person who stands up for herself, but I secretly want to be a doormat. (Note to people who don't know me in person: that is exactly the reverse of how I really am. So maybe I'm secretly left-handed.)
TEXT OF COMIC:
Whoa, I just saw your thumb bend in a really weird way. Is your thumb double-jointed?
Yes. Both my thumbs are double-jointed.
Wow.
Wow what? All the rest of my fingers are triple-jointed.
Every time I try to get a straight answer from you, I end up being a straight man instead.
And my back is septodecasextuple-jointed.
Comic #926
March 22 2011
MOUSEOVER TEXT: whichever one is a faster cookie-eater
All prime numbers, including seven, are equally unlucky. However, I seem to be alone in this belief... some of my favorite Asian restaurants insist on doling out appetizers in prime-numbered servings, forcing me and my friends to cut delicious morsels in halves or thirds so everyone can be satisfied.
TEXT OF COMIC:
I got us cookies!
Ooh! Wow, looks like at least a dozen.
Thirteen. A baker's dozen. They were having a sale.
Aw, man. I hate the number thirteen.
Seriously? You're triskaidekaphobic?
As triskaidekaphobic as they come.
Ha! I guess every scientific mind has its little bubbles of pure illogic.
There are valid logical reasons behind superstitions! Walking under a ladder is dangerous. Opening an umbrella indoors is bound to knock something over.
And why, logically, is thirteen unlucky?
Not divisible by anything.
That's lucky for ONE of us.
Comic #927
March 23 2011
MOUSEOVER TEXT: if God wanted them to go extinct, it's not really a design FLAW
I would never say that any species "deserves" to live more than another, but it's true that some species are much harder to save fron extinction than other ones. Reading about the kakapo parrot is just plain depressing. It only breeds in years when there's a lot of food, it nests on the ground where predators can eat its eggs and babies, and the female has to leave her nest unattended when she goes to eat, because the male doesn't help out. Plus, she lays only 3 eggs at a time, at most, and the babies don't start having babies of their own until they're about 5 years old. So you can imagine how many die before they can perpetuate the species.
TEXT OF COMIC:
You know, some animals are endangered more because of design flaws than user error.
What?
Giant pandas, Norma. It's like God wanted them to go extinct. Each one needs freakin' acres of bamboo just to stay alive.
And they'd still be doing fine if people hadn't taken away their acres of bamboo.
But you have to admit they're not very adaptable. Lots of other animals have managed to improvise when their natural habitat was threatened. The most successful species are the ones that can adapt to new environments and new food sources.
So you think cockroaches are the only animals that deserve to live.
Not the only. Just the MOST deserving.
Comic #928
March 24 2011
MOUSEOVER TEXT: For a canary, singing is talking.
If you can lie, you can act. If you can toast bread, you can cook. If you can paint your house, you can paint a picture. Just doesn't mean you'll do it very well.
TEXT OF COMIC:
I saw a poster in the registrar's office that said, "If you can walk, you can dance. If you can talk, you can sing."
Very inspirational.
But not to people who can't walk or talk.
They didn't even mention the fact that you can dance in a wheelchair.
Okay, so some people who can't walk can still dance. But can you sing if you can't talk?
Sure you can, if you're a canary.
"If you can walk or have a wheelchair, you can dance. If you can talk or are a canary, you can sing."
Much better.
Comic #929
March 25 2011
MOUSEOVER TEXT: No one ever said evolution always makes a species nicer.
Wow this comic is going to confuse you if you're a new reader who doesn't know the characters Cathy and Hans yet.
TEXT OF COMIC:
I think football actually serves a useful purpose in our society.
That's a very uncharacteristic statement from you. I'm expecting some form of sarcasm now.
I'm serious. In ancient times, humanity was made up of small, constantly fighting kingdoms and tribes. Men evolved to feel a deep need for the glory of war.
But now, if your country is at peace, men need an outlet for their urge to cheer patriotically for their own small region of land, to witness glorious violence on the battlefield, to hate enemy tribes and any traitorous countrymen who defect to them.
They can do that with real war. This country is never really at peace.
But even if the country's at war, it's not very glorious to know that your countrymen are flying over some faraway nation in planes, dropping bombs on it. War has become too sophisticated, and men need old-fashioned brutality. That's where football comes in.
And I suppose now you're going to say that the kind of man that needs that sort of outlet is blessedly going extinct, and men like Hans are the new face of evolution.
Nope, men like Hans need the outlet too. They just find it in different places, like chess games, and World of Warcraft. To be male is to need war, in some form or another.
And apparently to be female is to attack people behind their backs, when they aren't there to defend themselves.
Nope, that's just women like me, and we're cursedly going extinct. Women like Cathy are the new face of evolution.
Comic #930
March 28 2011
MOUSEOVER TEXT: Holodecks and virtual reality implants are the new HD-DVD and Blu-Ray.
Abby carefully avoided saying "we ARE a contradictory species." She strives to remain in denial about being a human.
TEXT OF COMIC:
Fiction used to be considered sinful. In Victorian times, parents despaired when they saw their kids reading novels.
Then when radio programs became popular, people got nostalgic for novels, and wary of their kids listening to the radio too much.
And then when television got popular, people got nostalgic for reading and listening to the radio, and railed about the evils of television.
But when video games got popular, nobody really got nostalgic for television. Certainly people were scared and angry about video games, and considered them worse than TV, but there was no national surge of fond memories about TV itself.
I think that's because the interval between the TV craze and the video game craze was so short. Technology is advancing faster and faster as time goes on. The people who were wary of radio hadn't been alive when novels were invented, but a lot of the people who are wary of video games are the same people who had been wary of TV a while earlier.
Pretty soon we'll have a totally new form of entertainment appearing a couple times a decade. The people who hate video games today will hate holodecks and virtual reality brain implants within the next twenty years.
And since the average lifespan is getting longer, there are going to be people pretty soon who hate about a dozen different new-fangled recreational activities. They'll tolerate nothing but what they remember from their early childhood.
So the world is destined not only to be chock-full of fun things to do, but also to hate almost all of them.
We live among a contradictory species.
Comic #931
March 29 2011
MOUSEOVER TEXT: 2nd place is Kirk and Spock's dying farewell at the end of Wrath of Khan
I would pay real money to see an interpretation of Romeo and Juliet where the two of them seal that tender moment with a resounding, awesome high five. For two reasons: 1. because it would be awesome, and 2. because a Romeo and Juliet who would do that would probably not be dippy enough to wind up dead at the end of the play.
TEXT OF COMIC:
Abby, your wordplay addiction has rubbed off on me. But what has rubbed off on me, for some reason, is only one single, specific, stupid form of wordplay.
Spoonerisms? Yeah, I noticed.
I'm hooked on Spoonerisms. I'm seeing Spoonerisms everywhere. Today at the movie store I saw a copy of "First Wives Club," and I immediately thought "Worst Fives Club." What would that even mean?
A club devoted to cataloguing all the lousiest high fives that have been given throughout history.
Hmm, that actually sounds fun!
Abby...
For saints have hands that pilgrims' hands do touch,
And palm to palm is holy palmers' kiss.
Laaaaaaame.
Comic #932
March 30 2011
MOUSEOVER TEXT: everyone complained about Barack Hussein Obama, no one minded Joseph Biden
This is further complicated by the fact that an action may be deemed immoral in one time and place but not in another, and also that a name may be considered common in one time and place but not in another. Your kid could be doing something right now that people in the next century will consider an unforgivable atrocity, and his boring ordinary name might go down in history as an unspeakable curse among members of a future society where everyone is named "Zebulon" or "Zaphod."
TEXT OF COMIC:
You know how the name "Adolf" is pretty much unacceptable, ever since World War II?
Um, yeah.
And yet the name "Joseph" has no bad connotations whatsoever, despite everything Stalin did.
That's because "Joseph" is a common enough name that there are plenty of other people you think of when you hear it.
Exactly! I think it is basic human decency to give your child a common, boring name, just in case he grows up to be a tyrannical dictator. You don't want to run the risk of a perfectly good name being ruined forever.
If your kid grows up to be a tyrannical dictator, I'm sure you'll have worse things to worry about.
See, this is the problem. People simply don't think far enough ahead.
Comic #933
March 31 2011
MOUSEOVER TEXT: illegal aliens!
As I write this, it's March 18th, 2010. I just got my census, which asks how many people "were" living in my apartment on April 1st, 2010.
I could fill it out and send it in now, but what if one of us dies in the next two weeks? My answers would be wrong then. I'd better wait until April to fill it out.
But on the other hand, if one of us dies in the next two weeks, the remaining resident will probably be too distraught to remember to fill out the census. Do I risk giving wrong answers, or risk never sending in the census at all?
(Of course, I'm not actually asking for your advice in this matter, since I know you cannot send advice a year into the past. Unless you're an awesome time traveler, in which case maybe you already have.)
TEXT OF COMIC:
I wonder why April 1st is such a big day for paperwork.
I've noticed when there are changes in the insurance policy at work, they usually go into effect on April 1st. And I've seen the census being focused around April 1st too-- specifically asking how many people were living in your household on that day, and so on.
Aren't they just asking for people to treat it as an April Fool joke? "Boss, I didn't know you were REALLY going to cut my insurance coverage. I thought it was just a prank."
"Yes, on April 1st there were fifty-five people living in my residence. Seventeen of them were Caucasian, twenty-four were African-American, and the rest were lizard people from a planet orbiting Alpha Centauri."
You would totally say that in a census, wouldn't you.
"Fifty-three if you count the conjoined triplets as one."
Comic #934
April 1 2011
MOUSEOVER TEXT: A poo frill.
Yup, there's no more Abby and Norma, just Anny and Gramma. Enjoy.
TEXT OF COMIC:
I love you, Gramma.
Moo! A gum ray. Evil.
What was that supposed to mean?
Math thaws sweat upon a despot.
Are you just mixing up the letters in everything I say?
Sexy Jenga game thrives; I put it in your turtle's hiney.
Um... okay, then.
You thank me!
Comic #935
April 4 2011
MOUSEOVER TEXT: Is Abby quoting xkcd, or is there really a Tautology Club in her world?
Seriously, though, I think it's referring to "discretion" in the sense of "choice," as in the phrase "at your discretion." It's saying that you're the one who chooses whether or not to watch the program, so if you're offended it's your fault. But you can't give it any points for being clear.
In other news: Sorry, Abby and Norma are not being permanently replaced with Anny and Gramma. They may come back some other April Fool's Day, but for now they are gone.
TEXT OF COMIC:
"Approved for appropriate audiences." Tautology Club, here we come.
It's also kind of interesting how programs advise "viewer discretion."
Yes, especially since usually the program itself is the one that's not being discreet.
"Viewer discretion is advised, because we have no discretion of our own, and somebody's gotta do it."
Ha.
Comic #936
April 5 2011
MOUSEOVER TEXT: Norma's last question should be the real Last Question
When I'm depressed, I take some comfort in the heat-death of the universe. Sometimes, in comparison to the way the world is now, it seems very peaceful. And it's nice to know that all the awful things that happen won't have permanent consequences, since nothing we care about is permanent.
In this light, Abby's hopeful prediction about future worlds arising from the heat-death is a bit of a downer for me. But I'm perverse.
TEXT OF COMIC:
I thought you were going to work on your history assignment.
I've given up on trying to get that done. It doesn't matter, in the great scheme of things.
No matter what I do, the laws of thermodynamics are eventually going to overcome the universe, and all heat will spread out evenly throughout all of space, not leaving enough energy in any one place for anything to be alive.
Well, that's one theory. Are you also theorizing that the universe will continue to exist for an infinite amount of time after all heat evens out?
I dunno. Sure, what the heck, let's assume that. It doesn't make any difference.
Well, the laws of thermodynamics don't say entropy can't be reversed-- just that it's very unlikely. The amount of time it would take to happen would be measured in numbers so incomprehensibly huge that we don't even have words for them, but given infinite time, it would happen.
If this dead universe goes on existing for unlimited eons, eventually it will come to pass that the randomly moving particles will arrange themselves so as to form suns and planets and life again.
And somewhere in these unimaginably long stretches of time, this rising and falling of worlds, there will be a time when the world you live in is re-created exactly, detail for detail, including you and all your character traits and memories.
And this rebirth of you will once again fail to turn in a history assignment on time, and once again will regret it immensely.
Okay, great. Now tell me how my current self's actions can have any bearing on this.
They can't. You got me. I was hoping I could trick you into seeing meaning in life.
Comic #937
April 6 2011
MOUSEOVER TEXT: It also works for changing an acrophobic person's definition of 'too high'
The Paradox of the Heap can change people's opinions. If you show someone a five-gallon pile of sand and a one-gallon pile of sand, he may opine that one is a heap and the other isn't. But if you show him a five-gallon pile and then remove grains of sand from it one by one, asking each time "Is it still a heap?" ...then you may be able to convince him that the one-gallon pile is a heap after all. If the person is particularly patient and dim-witted, you may even be able to convince him that a single grain of sand is a heap.
However, most subjects in this experiment will decide it's not a heap after about ten grains are removed, just because they're bored and want to go home.
TEXT OF COMIC:
Hey, you got cookies again!
Yes I did.
A dozen of them! That's divisible by two!
Your point?
Can I have half of them?
What? No! I bought these for myself.
Aw, okay. Can I have one?
Okay, sure, you can have one.
Mmm. Can I have just one more?
Oh, all right-- two isn't that much more than one, I guess.
Oh yum. Another one? Please?
Sure, whatever. One more won't make much difference.
Thank you so much. I promise I won't ask for any mm... mmmmmm... oh, wow. Can I have another?
Well... oh, why not, I've already given you three, what's one more.
You're the greatest. Mmm, yum. Now I'll just eat that one there and I'll be done.
You... Oh, whatever.
Wow that was good. Now I only need one more.
You've eaten enough!
You're being irrational. You were fine with me eating them up to now. These cookies are the size of quarters. How can one little cookie make the difference between eating enough and eating too much?
Oh, fine.
You... you ate half my cookies.
See, I told you the Paradox of the Heap had practical applications!
Comic #938
April 7 2011
MOUSEOVER TEXT: How does Norma know so much about Abby's bed? LET THE SHIPPERS DECIDE
I think the real difference in memory between memory foam and ordinary foam is that memory foam doesn't lose its memory of its original shape as it gets older. I've had non-memory-foam mattress toppers that got permanently flattened after years of use. Memory foam may take a few seconds longer to regain its shape after being squished, but it will regain its shape, no matter how old it is.
In a way, this is another parallel to human thought. At least, I've heard that memories that take longer to access are the ones that are most securely stored in your long-term memory.
TEXT OF COMIC:
I ache all over. My memory-foam mattress topper is a fraud.
It's not memory foam, Abby. It's just plain old foam. The package never even said it was memory foam.
Memory foam is a special, high-tech kind. It's called memory foam because it retains the memory of its original shape, and returns to it after you squish it.
But my mattress does that too! It springs right back to its regular shape as soon as I get up. It does it a lot faster than the stuff they call "memory foam." That stuff has a pretty slow memory, if you ask me.
My mattress is like Hans getting asked "What's 42 in binary?" and yelling "101010" right back. That so-called memory foam is like my mom getting asked what's the capital of Washington DC, and going, "Oh, let's see, I know this, it's on the tip of my tongue, Salem? I know that's a port because it sounds like 'sail 'em"... no, that's in Oregon or someplace, I must have been thinking of Sa... Si... Seattle? Oh wait, you said Washington DC! That doesn't have a capital, does it?"
I don't know what's weirder: that you would ask your mom a trick question like that, or that you know what 42 in binary is.
Dang stuff should be called dementia foam.
Comic #939
April 8 2011
MOUSEOVER TEXT: life is not all beer and skittles
I can eat one Skittle... I can do it twenty times, one after another...
TEXT OF COMIC:
I'm only going to eat one handful of Skittles today.
That's honestly not very impressive. I'd be impressed if you ate no Skittles at all.
Hey, indulging just a little bit is a much greater test of willpower than not indulging at all.
Think of recovering alcoholics. It's awfully hard for them to stay off booze completely, but it would be virtually impossible for them to drink a little and then stop.
Exactly why you shouldn't start eating Skittles.
I'm not a recovering alcoholic, and Skittles aren't as addictive as alcohol.
Be that as it may, eating a whole handful of Skittles is like drinking a frickin' case of beer. I'd be impressed if you ate ONE Skittle.
Okay, there is such a thing as expecting too much.
Comic #940
April 11 2011
MOUSEOVER TEXT: ...and they were almost famous for almost a day?
I used to have vasovagal syncopes, which were fainting spells somehow related to my vagus nerve. Some of the stuff that went on in my head during those was so bizarre it almost belonged in Las Vegas.
TEXT OF COMIC:
So then they moved to L.A. and...
Wait, you mean Los Angeles or Louisiana?
Los Angeles. When people say "L.A." they always mean Los Angeles.
But LA stands for Louisiana too.
Yes, but that abbreviation is only used on, like, addresses and stuff. If someone says "L.A." out loud, you assume by default that they mean Los Angeles-- just like if someone says "Vegas," you assume they mean the city of Las Vegas, and not, like, the vagus nerve in your neck or something.
Speaking of which, sometimes I really wish I could nerve-pinch you.
What happens in my vagus nerve stays in my vagus nerve.
Comic #941
April 12 2011
MOUSEOVER TEXT: most don't know the word 'portmanteau,' either
Every Devon schoolchild knows / Low end's lactic, high end lows.
TEXT OF COMIC:
These potato chips are buffalowing flavor. Apparently the taste is somehow supposed to remind you of the sound made by a buffalo.
The sound? What are you talking about?
It's a portmanteau word, isn't it? Of "buffalo," a type of bovine, and "lowing," the vocalization made by bovines?
Good god. Every other kid I know assumed that "buffalo wing" somehow refers to winged buffalo. But you're so perverse that you can't even have normal misunderstandings. Most kids in this country don't even know the word "lowing"!
I suppose a form of taste-sound synesthesia may have become ingrained in the majority of the population due to frequent consumption of this food.
I guess there's some societal value in having kids who make creative mistakes.
Comic #942
April 13 2011
MOUSEOVER TEXT: I doubt lions ask about your religion before eating you, actually.
My husband John used to have a cockatiel named Popcorn who liked to eat popcorn. One time, a defenseless piece of popcorn was put into her cage to be torn to pieces, and it threw itself on the mercy of its God, praying to be saved. Soon it realized that the cockatiel was on her knees, also praying. Certain that a miracle had occurred, it cried out in joyous praise of its God, whereupon Popcorn the cockatiel snapped, "Don't disturb me when I'm saying grace!"
TEXT OF COMIC:
There's a book called "A Lion Named Christian." Apparently there actually was someone who had a pet lion and gave it that name.
Why is that weird? You're talking as if it's weird.
Lions eat Christians.
Well, my uncle used to have a pet rat that was named Peanut because it liked to eat peanuts. Makes perfect sense to me.
You... you just equated Christians with peanuts.
Why not? Christians equate themselves with mustard seeds.
I wonder what eats mustard seeds.
Comic #943
April 14 2011
MOUSEOVER TEXT: Abby's version of the story is a satyr satire.
And the moral of Abby's wet-and-dry story is that she doesn't understand... hydrodynamics?
TEXT OF COMIC:
When my glasses are dirty, I breathe on them to moisten them before wiping them off.
When I fix something with super-glue, I blow on it to make it dry faster.
I can blow wet and dry with the same breath!
Huh?
There's a fable where a satyr meets a man out in the forest and invites him home for dinner.
On the way there, the man blows on his hands to keep them warm, and when they're eating dinner, he blows on the food to cool it. The satyr throws him out, because he wants nothing to do with a man who blows hot and cold with the same breath.
What is the moral of this fable?
I... I'm not sure. That satyrs don't understand thermodynamics, I guess.
That moral blows.
Comic #944
April 15 2011
MOUSEOVER TEXT: I've never gotten drunk either. And I have no motive for saying that.
In the Simpsons episode where the school principal has to admit to being a virgin so that he won't be suspected of sleeping with one of the teachers, everyone believes him because nobody would admit to being a forty-year-old virgin if it weren't true. Personally I don't see how truth would affect how likely someone would be to make such an admission in that situation. Whether it's true or not, the consequences of saying it are the same: if he says it, he will be ridiculed, but if he doesn't, he will be accused of corruption. Any person in that position, virgin or not, would be faced with the same cost-benefit analysis.
But then, logically analyzing Simpsons episodes is an exercise in futility.
TEXT OF COMIC:
What happened to the bottle of vodka I was hiding in the stockroom?
What? Vodka? Probably the boss found it. If I were you, I'd start looking for a new job.
Liar. You drank it, didn't you?
Cathy, if I drank a whole bottle of vodka I would get stinking drunk. I've never been drunk in my life, and I'm certainly not planning to start.
Did you just say you've NEVER been drunk?
Yes. Never in my life. Why?
I can't believe you'd say that out loud. Do you have any idea what a loser that makes you look like?
Well, I guess that means I wouldn't say it if it weren't true, so you'll just have to accept that I didn't drink your stupid vodka.
Abby, you're avoiding the point. People don't say something like that even if it IS true. People don't say such self-degrading things unless they need to say them to save their LIVES.
So... I'm guessing that some anti-alcohol organization sent death threats to intimidate you into going around spreading the illusion that there are actually people who don't drink.
No, I just fear for my life if you get the idea that I've been depriving you of booze.
11/8/10
Comic #945
April 18 2011
MOUSEOVER TEXT: More comics about crossing things, tomorrow.
Wordplay genii?
TEXT OF COMIC:
Those "Railroad Crossing" signs aren't very intuitive.
What?
When I see those two diagonally crossed bars with "Rail Road" on one, and "Crossing" on the other one, going between the words "Rail" and "Road," I don't read the words in the order they want me to.
What order do you read them in?
Well, sometimes I read it the right way, but sometimes I do it backwards: Crossing Railroad.
And other times my mind splits up the word "Railroad" where the crossing bar splits it, and I read it as "Rail Crossing Road" or "Road Crossing Rail."
The weird thing is that all four of those readings mean pretty much the same.
Wow. I... I just developed an immense respect for the designers of that sign. They're wordplay GENIUSES.
Probably unintentionally.
Comic #946
April 19 2011
MOUSEOVER TEXT: Bat-Physics saves the day!
A vampire is like a dowsing rod for finding underground water. Start digging where he stops walking.
TEXT OF COMIC:
You know, it would be hard for a vampire to get around this area. There are so many rivers and creeks and stuff here, our city is practically an island, in the sense of "an area of land entirely surrounded by water."
Wait, what does that have to do with vampires?
Vampires can't go across running water, or so the legend goes.
How does that even work? What about underground streams? How does a vampire know where those are?
Presumably underground water doesn't count.
And what if you had a vampire, like, tied up in the back of a truck and you were forcibly driving him across a river? Would the vampire die, or explode, or teleport out of the truck?
I don't know.
I think he would suddenly become stationary, at the moment you reached the riverbank, with enough inertia to rip through the back of the vehicle.
Comic #947
April 20 2011
MOUSEOVER TEXT: they took it to heart like a WOODEN STAKE
Ryan North thinks vampires have OCD, but I think they're just literal-minded Aspies.
TEXT OF COMIC:
Where did that whole idea come from, anyway-- vampires not being able to go across running water?
Who knows. Probably the same place they got the idea that vampires can't go into a house unless they're invited, and that they can't tolerate garlic, and so on.
I have a hypothesis.
Really.
I think vampires and ghosts used to be mortal enemies.
And when vampires were learning how to fight ghosts, someone told them--
--Never cross the streams. Oh lord.
They took it very much to heart.
Comic #948
April 21 2011
MOUSEOVER TEXT: If you thought only in written words, what font would you want them to be?
Some guy once told me that he could tell people eerily accurate things about their lives, based on looking into their eyes. I asked him what he could say about me, and he said, "Nothing, really, because you never make eye contact." Sometimes being a weirdo makes me feel very safe.
TEXT OF COMIC:
Remember the guy from "Heroes" who could hear people's thoughts?
I would have been resistant to his power about sixty percent of the time! He could only HEAR thoughts, in words. I think mostly in pictures and abstract concepts.
If I can teach myself not to think in words at all, I can become completely immune to him.
I'm sure there are better uses for your time.
Or maybe I can teach myself to think only in written words.
Comic #949
April 22 2011
MOUSEOVER TEXT: Weird-Abby-logic: it can now feed and house the poor, too!
I resolve to stop spending money anywhere, because I have no way of knowing whether the people I pay will go and blow the money on drink and drugs. Hey, my first landlord was a drug addict, and I've never gotten over the guilt of how much of my money went to support his habit. So from now on, I will live on the street, and get all my possessions out of garbage cans. But I won't beg for money, because what good is money when anyone you pay might waste it on booze?
P.S. The only part of that paragraph that was true was the part about my first landlord being a drug addict. And that I don't even know for sure, but the maintenance guy told me it was true. That was why he was instructed to plaster over the crumbling ceiling instead of fixing the leaking pipe inside it: when you gotta save money for drugs, you cut corners wherever you can.
TEXT OF COMIC:
Can you spare a dollar?
Here.
You shouldn't give money to bums. A lot of them have apartments.
Why is that argument supposed to deter me?
Duh. A bum who has an apartment doesn't need your money that much.
What? Sure he does. He needs it to pay rent. And if he's organized enough to use his begging income to rent an apartment, then he's a lot more responsible than a bum who goes out and buys a drink every time he gets a dollar. Which one would you rather give money to?
I just mean-- if he's organized enough to rent an apartment, shouldn't he be doing a real job?
Norma, I'm pretty sure he would have tried and failed to get a socially acceptable job before he resorted to begging. Your logic isn't making sense to me.
Okay. But you don't know whether that guy was going to responsibly pay rent on an apartment, or whether he was just going to blow the money on booze.
Same goes for the guy who checked out my purchases at Wal-Mart.
I give up.
Comic #950
April 25 2011
MOUSEOVER TEXT: no, because she's a cartoon character
If a tree is in a forest and no one sees it, is it still green? If no one smells it, does it still smell piney?
TEXT OF COMIC:
I ate a pound of Nestle Semisweet Morsels, and then I had diarrhea. It probably tasted like chocolate.
Wh-wh-WHAT?
See? I knew it! You find the wording of that sentence strange!
I find that sentence DISGUSTING, is what I find. Now please end this conversation and let me forget it ever happened.
But admit it-- you find the end of the sentence logically problematic. It should be "It probably WOULD have tasted like chocolate," instead of just "It probably tasted like chocolate."
Well-- that's certainly not the first thing that came to mind when I heard that sentence, but yeah. You can't say "It probably tasted like chocolate" if no one ever tasted it. And if someone did, PLEASE do not tell me.
So we are agreed-- a substance cannot properly be said to have a taste if no one has tasted it. Taste is a phenomenon that happens when the chemical composition of a substance interacts with taste buds, and if it doesn't come in contact with taste buds, then it doesn't taste.
I guess not. What is the point of this?
If that rule extends to sounds as well as tastes, we just answered the question about the tree falling in the forest.
If a tree fell on you, would anyone care?
Comic #951
April 26 2011
MOUSEOVER TEXT: And how many would 'buy' it, in the sense of 'believe'?
I really don't know if anyone would read Memoirs of a Pathological Liar. There would always be the nagging suspicion that you might be reading lies... and people seem more interested in reading memoirs when there hasn't been doubt cast on their truth.
TEXT OF COMIC:
Have you ever had a friend who turned out to be lying about almost everything?
You mean, online?
Yeah, or in person. It can happen either way.
I've never had it happen to me, but I've read about it. There are people who will make up their whole lives, and lie about it totally believably.
I'm talking about intricate details, things so specific and random that you would never imagine that someone would make them up. There are utterly convincing liars out there, people you can't help believing because they have no discernable reason to lie.
What I wonder is... what life is like for liars like that. What is their motivation? Is it like getting addicted to a game, where the obstacle you have to overcome is skepticism, and you get caught up in the challenge of fast thinking and the thrill of successfully coming up with credible things to say?
Or do they just hate their real lives so much that they've built a complex fantasy world, and they have no trouble maintaining consistency because they've almost convinced themselves that world is real?
I mean, constant lying goes against every facet of my personality, but I... I guess I'm not so much offended by liars, I'm just really, really intrigued by them. I'm curious what life is like from their perspective. How could someone want or need to live like that?
Wow, now I really wish a pathological liar would write a memoir sometime.
Wonder how many people would buy that.
Comic #952
April 27 2011
MOUSEOVER TEXT: there are no real vows except the ones you sign on the dotted line
When we got married in 2005, we got the license several days before the wedding, but when we applied for it, we had to fill in what the date of the wedding would be... so regardless of whether we had the ceremony on that day or not, that would be the official, legal date of our wedding. Luckily our plans didn't change, so the legal marriage date and the date of the ceremony ended up matching.
After the wedding ceremony, we also filled out another document, the marriage certificate. This was probably as important as the license, seeing that it required two witnesses to sign it in addition to us. So I think Abby's actually wrong, and we weren't legally married until we finished that part, too... thus, if someone had tried to stop our wedding and failed to prevent us from speaking the vows, they might still have been able to grab the pens from us and/or our witnesses as we sat down with the certificate afterwards.
TEXT OF COMIC:
I'm writing a story where a woman finds out that the man she loves is about to marry another woman. She rushes to the city where the wedding is happening, determined to stop it before it's too late.
After a series of dramatic delays, she barely manages to barge into the church seconds before the bride and groom speak their vows. The ceremony is thrown into chaos, but she stops her beloved from saying "I do."
Then she finds out that, like most couples, they had gotten the marriage license the previous week, so they're legally married anyway.
She spends the rest of her life alone, trying to come to terms with the fact that spoken wedding vows have no actual meaning.
I can see why no one reads your stories.
Comic #953
April 28 2011
MOUSEOVER TEXT: i'm with stupid child
I briefly considered doing this for the Abby and Norma merchandise shop, but then I realized that, considering Abby's militant stance on human reproduction, she probably don't have any pregnant fans.
TEXT OF COMIC:
I have a great idea for a t-shirt!
Urgh.
A maternity t-shirt with an arrow pointing to the belly, and the words "I'm With Child."
Yeah. Right.
Wouldn't that be hilarious?
Okay, I'm guessing that's supposed to be an allusion to those "I'm With Stupid" shirts. But the whole point of a shirt like that is wearing it while your friend wears a shirt that says "I'm Stupid."
So, what, you're saying the lady's fetus is supposed to wear a shirt that says "I'm Child"?
Well, OKAY, so a fetus can't wear a shirt. Maybe the "I'm Child" shirt is for her OTHER kid, the one who's born already. I'll find some way to make it work.
I'm with insane.
And yet you never seem to go away.
Comic #954
April 29 2011
MOUSEOVER TEXT: maybe forgiving requires a certain amount of forgetting
I can't understand why anyone would want an apology from someone who had wronged them terribly (as in the case of abuse). An apology requires opening communication with the person again, and some people it's really safer to stay out of touch with, even if you have managed to let go of your anger at them.
But then, I never liked getting apologies, even for minor wrongs. Even as a kid, it made me feel awkward and uncomfortable, especially when the other kid wasn't really sorry and was being forced to apologize. (I didn't like apologies anyway, but hearing a fake forced apology made me want to run away and hide... partly because I knew it was making the other kid even madder at me, and more likely to attack me again as soon as the teachers weren't around. Don't force kids to apologize-- it can lead only to violence, misery and death.)
TEXT OF COMIC:
How do you define forgiveness?
If I let go of my anger at people who have wronged me, but continue to avoid having them in my life, is that forgiveness? If I remain secretly furious at them, but treat them as kindly as if I weren't, is that forgiveness?
Or does forgiveness require both letting go of anger AND treating the person as if the sin hadn't happened?
Usually the two acts go together. If you really aren't angry at people anymore, you'll let them back into your life, and vice versa.
That's not true. There were a bunch of kids who beat up on me in grade school. I'm not angry at them anymore, because I realize that they're too simple-minded to understand anything except violence, and they should be pitied rather than hated.
A few of them go to this college. But I'm not going to try and make friends with them again, because I still hear stories about them being violent, and, well, I don't like getting beaten up. So have I forgiven them?
I think forgiveness has to include withholding punishment. That's how the word is always used, anyway. When God forgives you, he lets you go to heaven as if you weren't a sinner. When someone forgives a debt you owe, that means you don't have to pay it.
So I can either forgive an abuser or avoid getting abused again, but not both.
I wouldn't put it so pessimistically.
Comic #955
May 2 2011
MOUSEOVER TEXT: I'll be damned if I'll go to hell.
Maybe Abby's adaptable spirit would save her from utter torment in heaven with her mom, but it still wouldn't allow her to truly enjoy the place.
TEXT OF COMIC:
I'm not really that scared of going to hell.
Eternal pain and suffering doesn't scare you?
It wouldn't be pleasant, but the human spirit is very adaptable. Eventually I would get used to the suffering, and learn to tolerate it.
They could increase the suffering whenever they wanted, you know.
And eventually I'd get used to sudden increases too. Given infinite time, I could adapt to anything.
They could always change you so you wouldn't be so adaptable.
Well, then it won't be me going to hell. It'll be someone else with the same memories but a totally different personality. So I have nothing to be scared of.
You could be scared of not existing any more.
Well, same problem if I went to heaven.
How so?
If I go to heaven and my mom's there, I won't be able to enjoy myself. But if my mom goes to heaven and I'm not there, she won't be able to enjoy herself.
So the only way we could both be happy in heaven is if heaven caused me to love her, or caused her not to care about me. But that would require totally transforming our personalities. So it wouldn't really be us going to heaven, and our real selves would cease to exist.
No matter what happens to me when I die, I will vanish into oblivion.
You are the most negative person I know.
Comic #956
May 3 2011
MOUSEOVER TEXT: i am an uncanny valley girl
When I wrote this, I was thinking of the strange human proportions in this painting, but I couldn't remember its name. So I did a Google image search for "Renaissance paintings" and... it was the first one that came up. Weird.
TEXT OF COMIC:
I heard someone say today that those computer-animated movies are "so totally uncanny valley."
That's not an uncommon sentiment.
But, when I heard that, I realized I never thought of them that way. I'm used to it. I grew up with those movies-- "Shrek" came out when I was in my teens.
Seems the uncanny valley is relative. If you're accustomed to images that look almost like reality but not quite, you won't see anything uncanny about them.
I don't know how I feel about being the first generation to get used to the uncanny valley.
We're not the first! Have you ever seen early Renaissance paintings, from when artists had just figured out realistic shading, but hadn't yet gotten the hang of translating human proportions to 2-D?
Hmm. Yeah, I can imagine I would see a bit of uncanny valley in those, if...
If you hadn't grown up seeing them every time you went to the museum! Exactly!
When you live in a valley, I guess you forget it's a valley sometimes.
Especially if the mountain on the other side doesn't exist yet.
Comic #957
May 4 2011
MOUSEOVER TEXT: poor hans never got his kleenex
I don't know how much research has actually been done about cycles synchronizing. And I really doubt the inventors of Kleenex intended for it to be pluralized following the pattern of "vertex/vertices" and "index/indices." (But perhaps the Tyrannosaurus Rex would find it amusing to have his family labeled as Tyrannosauri Rices.)
TEXT OF COMIC:
Can I have a Kleenex?
My purse is over there. Norma, can you get the Kleenices out of my purse for Hans, please?
Kleenices? ...Oh, fine.
You... You've got birth control pills in here. Has there been some sneaky virginity loss going on that I don't know about?
Shut up, Norma. Those are to control my cycle.
Control it?
Yeah. Not only is that time of the month a little less miserable now, but I know when to expect it.
And you know how, if you spend a lot of time with your friends, your cycles synchronize? Well, now that I control my monthly timing, any synchronizing that's gonna happen will be YOU syncing up with ME.
I have the power of medical technology over the forces of nature! I rule others with the power of my hormones! I am the Bloodmaster, and you all march to my rhythm!
Hate to tell you, Abby, but two-thirds of your friends are totally unaffected.
See if you still feel that way when PMS rolls around.
Comic #958
May 5 2011
MOUSEOVER TEXT: cinco de mayo, seis de junio, siete de julio, san fermin
Actually, none of those sentences were very impressive to finish. For a lot of sentences, the end is obvious by the time you get to the middle, even to a total stranger. (I've always been annoyed by casual acquaintances who insist on interrupting me to finish my sentences, as if that proved they knew me well. They don't. A lot of the time they even get it wrong.)
TEXT OF COMIC:
How can people look up a word in the dictionary to find out how to spell it? I mean, the words in the dictionary are organized by how they're spelled, so if you can't spell it...
...then you can't find it in the dictionary. I know, right?
Exactly! Wow, we know each other so well. We've reached the point where we can finish each other's sentences.
That's not so impressive.
If two people both know how a sentence is going to end, and each one knows that the other knows, then there's no point in either one finishing it.
The only reason to finish someone's sentence is if you don't know for sure that the other person knows you know it. And if you really know each other well, that problem won't exist.
So REAL friends will just leave...
Exactly. Why aren't we like...
I don't know!
Wait. We just did.
Yes! Friendship level-up!
Comic #959
May 6 2011
MOUSEOVER TEXT: go cry, emo kid. goku, emo pigeon.
I had these same imaginings when I was a kid, and I still feel weirdly touched whenever I find out that someone has talked about me behind my back.
TEXT OF COMIC:
When I was a kid, I used to wonder if anyone ever talked about me when I wasn't around.
What? Why wouldn't they?
I dunno. Sometimes I felt so isolated and ignored, I thought maybe I wasn't even considered important enough to be a topic of conversation unless I was actually there.
You must have overheard people talking about you sometimes, when they thought you weren't listening.
Yeah, but I couldn't be sure that they didn't know I was listening. I thought maybe they did, and they were just putting on a show to make me think I was important.
There were also times when my mom saw me doing something, and then the next day my dad would know about it... but I didn't jump to the conclusion that Mom had told Dad behind my back. For all I knew, Dad could have set up hidden surveillance cameras. It wasn't absolute proof that people cared about me enough to talk about me.
But then I would realize that if people were putting on shows for me and setting up secret cameras to watch me, they must still consider me pretty important, so I would feel a little better.
You were such an emo kid.
And then I would remember that it was a lot less likely that people were putting on shows for me and setting up secret cameras, and a lot more likely that they were just talking about me, which wasn't as special. And then I would cry.
Comic #960
May 9 2011
MOUSEOVER TEXT: I wish nature didn't select for the desire to have as many kids as possible.
Maybe there should be a Darwin award for people who get all their kids killed and then never have kids again before they die. But that would be really depressing to read about.
TEXT OF COMIC:
My aunt is an idiot.
Which aunt?
Sharon and Karen's mom. She makes them take baths every single day. They can't play in the dirt. They have to wash their hands after touching anything that she hasn't personally sanitized.
Poor kids are going to grow up with no immune systems, and they're gonna die, and their mom's gonna win a freakin' Darwin award.
You can't win a Darwin award for doing something dumb that gets your kids killed.
Why not?
They only give Darwin awards for people who get themselves killed, or get their reproductive organs mangled.
But if you get your kids killed, you're still stopping your family line from going on.
Not totally, though. You can still have more kids if you want to. Darwin awards are for people who take themselves TOTALLY out of the gene pool.
Like you.
Hey, I'm staying childless voluntarily. Only stupid people have kids.
That's not what the Darwin Awards say.
Comic #961
May 10 2011
MOUSEOVER TEXT: It's beyond Pandora-- it's Randora!
If it is actually possible to write a program like Hans's, I want someone to do it. I would much rather hear new songs than familiar ones, regardless of quality. And I'd love the chance to discover hidden gems from little-known bands. My local public radio station, "89.3, The Current," provides some of this, but even they have certain songs that they play over and over.
That said, I mostly use my iPod to drown out other people's conversations on the bus. What I'd really love is a program that selects the songs with the most cymbal-crashing and buzzing noises, as those are quite effective at blocking human speech.
TEXT OF COMIC:
Hans! I didn't know you had an iPod.
You listen to music? What kind of music?
I am not restricted by KINDS of music, Norma.
Huh?
I used to like listening to the radio, because it was unpredictable. But I soon realized that every radio station plays partly, mostly or entirely songs that they have played before.
Well, yes.
I don't read the same book twice, so why would I want to hear the same song twice? I wanted a radio that NEVER repeated itself. So I decided to create my own.
I wrote a computer program that goes on iTunes every month and automatically downloads the 1000 least popular songs-- the ones I am least likely to have heard.
Every month, making sure there are no duplicates, I load the results onto my iPod, and set them to play in alphabetical order.
You must hear a lot of really crappy songs.
You don't define crappy the same way I do. I define crappy songs as ones I've heard before.
If music were a material resource, you'd be the least eco-friendly person in existence.
Comic #962
May 11 2011
MOUSEOVER TEXT: Is there anything that scares you to death? Yes, death.
I do this when I'm very focused on something and John is asking me questions. Most of the time it yields fairly appropriate responses.
TEXT OF COMIC:
I'm hungry. It's almost lunchtime.
Yes, lunchtime.
Shall we start making something to eat?
Yes, eat.
I'll start the stove, and you can cut up some vegetables.
Yes, vegetables.
Are you actually listening, or just semi-consciously responding with "yes" plus the last word of my sentence?
Yes, sentence.
I wonder if there's anyone in the world as annoying as you.
Yes, you.
Comic #963
May 12 2011
MOUSEOVER TEXT: no, abby, 'Hunger' is the name of my pet snake
I've always been puzzled by drinks that use the word "quench" without specifying that thirst is the thing being quenched. A soda that labels itself "Berry Quencher" is essentially claiming to quench berries, which makes little or no sense.
TEXT OF COMIC:
Fine, ignore me all you want. I'm going to go feed my own hunger.
Feed your hunger?
Yes, in your kitchen. Now you can either help with the process or stay hungry.
But feeding something causes it to thrive and grow. Logically, "feeding one's hunger" should mean starving oneself.
I won't allow you to do that. Here, let's get some soup started.
When all else fails to get Abby's attention, use a logically flawed turn of phrase.
Comic #964
May 13 2011
MOUSEOVER TEXT: Friday the 13th comes on a Friday the 13th this month!
OK, so "throw" and its synonyms "chuck" and "cast" can all be coupled with the word "up" to create new meanings. "Toss-up" has a meaning, too. "Fling up" and "pitch up" don't, though, I think, at least not beyond the literal.
TEXT OF COMIC:
I feel sick.
Me too. Maybe we can chalk it up to the weird soup we had for lunch.
Chuck it up?
Chalk it up. To attribute. A reference to writing one's hypothesis on a chalkboard.
Well, "chuck it up" seems more appropriate here.
But "chuck" means to throw.
Yeah, and throwing up is what I feel like doing right now.
Hmm. Words for "throw" can have many meanings. "Cast" also means to throw, and "to cast it up to someone" means to remind someone of a mistake he made; to rub his face in it.
If I throw up, and if I'm able to chalk it up to your cooking, I'm gonna cast it up to you every chance I get.
You get three points for using all those phrases in a sentence.
Comic #965
May 16 2011
MOUSEOVER TEXT: Abby just got lucky, having that joke set up for her
You could also write it as "the ends must defy the jeans."
Or even "the genes."
TEXT OF COMIC:
On the other hand, maybe it's your stinky pants that are making us feel sick.
What? My pants don't stink!
Yes they do.
What, have you been sniffing my butt when I'm not looking?
I can smell them all the way over here.
They're not dirty. They're just a little musty. I was storing them in a box all winter.
No, they're musty because your stupid rear end is musty.
What was that even supposed to mean? You're really crabby right now.
The ends mustify the jeans.
Whatever's making you sick, I hope you die from it.
Comic #966
May 17 2011
MOUSEOVER TEXT: it... plans behind?
I think I read somewhere that the study that proved this was contradicted by a later study... which is what always happens, I guess, when it comes to medical facts. You can never know anything for sure.
I don't really care. My body tends to react to excess food by spending way too much time in the bathroom, instead of getting fatter. Maybe this is an advantage, I don't know.
TEXT OF COMIC:
I heard that eating breakfast is important for losing weight, because if you don't eat it, then your body compensates for the food shortage by slowing down its metabolism.
But that doesn't make sense. Surely your body would only slow down your metabolism enough to make up for the amount of food you didn't eat?
Nope, apparently it slows down a lot more-- enough that you actually get fatter than you would if you ate breakfast.
That's like... that's like if my pay got cut by five dollars a week, and so I cut my spending by ten dollars a week. It doesn't make sense.
Well, maybe you cut your spending by ten dollars so you could save up as much as possible, just in case your pay got cut even more.
And maybe your body slows down your metabolism just in case the reason you didn't eat breakfast was that a long-term famine just started.
My body plans ahead more than my mind does.
And yet it still thinks we're in the Middle Ages.
Comic #967
May 18 2011
MOUSEOVER TEXT: now your body is REALLY planning behind
The poopy gross-out strategy works pretty well on carnivorous predators that want to devour you, but might work even better on sexual predators.
TEXT OF COMIC:
Here's another stupid thing that bodies do: they poop more when they're scared.
Do we really have to keep talking about this?
Yes, Norma. This is a big unanswerable question! Anxiety causes diarrhea! Not just in humans-- one of the ways researchers measure fear in lab rats is that they defecate more. How does that make any biological sense?
I don't know or care.
You'd think that if you were being chased by a scary predator, taking a crap every few minutes would slow you down AND make you easier to track.
Maybe if you gross the predator out enough, he'll give up on you.
That works on friends, too, you know.
Comic #968
May 19 2011
MOUSEOVER TEXT: Yes, some do spell it the same as each other. Drew/Mariah; Fisher/Underwood.
Kari Dunn Buron wrote a foreword for my memoir.
TEXT OF COMIC:
Carrie Fisher.
What?
Cary Grant. Mariah Carey.
Hmm.
John Kerry. Jim Carrey. Do any two people spell that name the same?
Quit carrying on.
And what's more, none of them spell it like the actual word!
Comic #969
May 20 2011
MOUSEOVER TEXT: it's okay to be a grammar nazi if you're doing it ironically
I had all the teachers that I mentioned in this comic.
TEXT OF COMIC:
We've been sitting here being ridiculously illogical for so long that I'm almost late for my class in formal logic. How's that for irony?
Is that irony? My English prof said that the only real irony is the kind where a character says something that's true in a sense he doesn't realize. Like when Oedipus says "Whoever killed King Laios might attack me too," and then at the end he finds out that he's the one who killed King Laios, and he attacks himself.
I had one professor who said that. But I had another professor who said that irony can be either a dramatic situation like that, or a situation like being killed by the ambulance that's supposed to save you, or even the use of sarcasm.
And there was another one who said that irony is when you say the opposite of what you mean, and when I said "That's the same as sarcasm, isn't it?" she said, "No, sarcasm is the tone of voice you say it in."
Apparently no one, even college professors, can agree on what irony means. Everyone likes feeling superior because they know the "right" definition of irony, and "everyone" else uses the word wrong. But no two of them use it the same, either.
Yeah. Not only do different people have different definitions, but every time a new situation comes up, you can't decide whether it's ironic until you figure out if it fits your definition. Which can be hard because a lot of people's definitions are just vague ideas.
And a written definition puts the idea into words, but even written definitions have to be rewritten whenever a new situation comes up that the writers of the definition didn't consider.
Isn't there some official style manual that defines irony?
Even if there is, the definition it states probably isn't the most commonly used one, so what good is it? The meaning of a word is defined by how most people use it, and there isn't a way that most people use the word "irony." A plurality, maybe, but not a majority.
Aw, crap, now I'M late for class.
What class?
English lit.
Maybe THAT'S ironic.
Comic #970
May 23 2011
MOUSEOVER TEXT: All the places you are not right now take up less bandwidth in your head.
This happens where I work, too. I really don't know what's going on in people's minds. Maybe it's just something like, "Well, I've looked everywhere on the first floor, so it's probably not here, and I'll probably find it without too much trouble if I go upstairs, but I should ask someone anyway, just to save myself the trouble in case it might be hidden in some obscure corner of the first floor after all." Which would make some sense, I suppose.
TEXT OF COMIC:
Can I help you?
I'm looking for books on the history of the Roman Empire.
Upstairs--
Thank you very much!
Wait, can you hold on a sec?
Huh? Why?
I was just wondering what's going through your head right now.
When I tell customers that the thing they want is on this floor, they always expect me to specify WHERE on this floor. But when I tell them it's on the second floor, they usually do what you did-- just say "Thanks!" and start running upstairs before I can tell them anything more specific.
The second floor of this building is just as big and complex as the first floor. Yet people always seem to assume they will have less trouble finding something up there.
Is this a manifestation of the human tendency to see more diversity within one's own area or group-- the same phenomenon whereby you may have trouble telling apart individuals of another race, or assume that your own country has more regional variation than other countries?
Standing here on the first floor, do you take it for granted that the second floor is smaller, simpler and easier to navigate, just because you are not there right now? Is this a psychological equivalent to the visual phenomenon in which things seem smaller as they get farther away?
You... you look a lot smaller to me now.
Bye.
Comic #971
May 24 2011
MOUSEOVER TEXT: Weird is a high compliment coming from Abby.
In the stockroom where I work, there is an abbreviation that's used sometimes in the computer system: "APG." Nobody knows what it means, but I sometimes jokingly call it "aisles per gallon"-- meaning, presumably, the number of backroom aisles we can organize on one gallon of Red Bull.
TEXT OF COMIC:
Want some of my energy drink?
No.
You sure? It vitalizes body and mind.
My body and mind are already vital.
Not vital enough.
If I didn't have them, I wouldn't exist. That seems pretty vital to me.
I believe the advertisers were thinking of another definition of "vital."
No, I think they just want to give you the idea that people who haven't drunk their product have unimportant bodies and minds.
If being rare and unusual makes things valuable, I'd say your mind is one of the most vital in the world.
Thanks. You're weird too.
Comic #972
May 25 2011
MOUSEOVER TEXT: that's why skinheads are bald
I can't find any information on whether cysts can ever be caused by radiation. The closest I found was a mention of ovarian cysts caused by skin cancer, which is caused by UV radiation, but it was only one mention on one site, and I couldn't find any other sources to back it up.
TEXT OF COMIC:
I have a lump on my neck! Look, right here, just under my earlobe.
Is that right.
I'm dying! It's a malignant tumor caused by evil cosmic radiation!
Most neck lumps are just cysts, you know.
Then it's a cyst caused by radiation! It's a ray cyst!
Did... Did you just set up that whole conversation, just to make a pun on the word "racist"?
Not... not just that. I was, um, making a statement. About racism being a cancer, or something. Yeah.
Shut up.
Comic #973
May 26 2011
MOUSEOVER TEXT: and now I just made the word 'awwww' look weird to me
What Abby doesn't understand is that, while the "Awwww" in "Awwww-some" has the meaning of "Awwww, how cute," the "Awwww" in "Awwww-ful" has the meaning of "Awwww, I'm so disappointed."
TEXT OF COMIC:
Look at that picture! What a funny position for a puppy to be in.
That's awesome.
The word "awesome" is so overused.
I didn't mean "awesome." I meant "Awwww-some."
Looking at it, I am in Awwww. It's so cute that it's Awwww-inspiring.
You're awwww-ful.
Awwww, thanks.
Comic #974
May 27 2011
MOUSEOVER TEXT: at least she didn't make a joke about crap-shooting
Apparently I can do nothing but bad puns now.
TEXT OF COMIC:
What time is it? Ten p.m.? Oh crap, oh shoot.
What's wrong?
Shut up. This assignment is due tomorrow morning. I'm trying to focus.
Well, it sounds as if you succeeded.
I ALMOST succeeded before you started talking to me.
You said, "Oh crap, oh shoot," and then you said "I'm trying to faux-cuss."
I know much worse words, if you'd like me to use them on you.
Comic #975
May 30 2011
MOUSEOVER TEXT: I haven't been active on Facebook since the Rainforest and Reef games.
The sucky thing about having such a big buffer of unposted comics, and about the rapid changing of technology and culture, is that I don't know if Facebook will even exist anymore by the time this posts. Sure, it still seems immensely popular now, but so did other sites that went out of style almost overnight.
TEXT OF COMIC:
...Zuckerberg's famous PIG!
What are you singing?
I don't know. I read an article about Mark Zuckerberg, founder of Facebook, and the name reminded me of Zuckerman, owner of Wilbur the pig in the book "Charlotte's Web."
And that got you singing about Zuckerberg having a pig.
Well, no, that one connection wouldn't have been enough.
But in addition, the name "Zuckerberg" sounds as if it means "sugar mountain" in German... and "Sugarcandy Mountain" was mentioned in the book "Animal Farm"... which was about pigs.
So you're saying that there are multiple connections between Facebook's founder and pigs.
I dunno. I haven't gone back to Facebook ever since Farmville came out.
Comic #976
May 31 2011
MOUSEOVER TEXT: Didn't spell the other word right, though.
A little cousin of mine used to think it was spelled "bass turd," many years ago, and I'm still laughing over it.
TEXT OF COMIC:
Inglorious Bass Turds
We're about as inglorious as you can get!
You spelled "inglorious" correctly.
You said that as if it were a criticism.
Comic #977
June 1 2011
MOUSEOVER TEXT: Birthday! I am thirty years old today. That's as many as three tens!
Radiatori really are named that because they look like radiators. Apparently radiators in Italy look very different from my baseboard heater.
TEXT OF COMIC:
Why don't you ever cook basketti for lunch?
Argh, I hate children. It's pronounced "spaghetti."
No, I mean a type of pasta called basketti. Shaped like little baskets. Kind of like how radiatori are shaped like little radiators.
Okay, then here's my answer to your question about why I never cook it for lunch: Because you just made it up a second ago.
But now we can invent it!
Comic #978
June 2 2011
MOUSEOVER TEXT: if I weren't here to set up circumstances, Ron could never talk
Wonder what Ron thinks the gross result would be.
TEXT OF COMIC:
Ooh, you want a new end table? Macy's has a really classy one made of sycamore with cherry-finish accents, for sixty dollars.
I'm going to buy one at the thrift store for five bucks, thanks.
The world is going to ruin when people are so wasteful that they'll spend dozens of times more money than they have to, just to get an item that damages the ecosystem hundreds of times more than it has to.
Thrift stores are the cleanest, most efficient form of recycling. I can get a desk that serves my purposes and does the planet no harm because of me-- or I can go encourage Macy's to keep chopping down innocent sycamore trees to satisfy the greedy masses who HAVE to have something that nobody's ever used before.
Where will it end? Is this a war between humans and nature? Between greedy snobs and trees? Who will win? What will be the net result of this gala of waste?
Net? Sycamore: zero. Macy's: ten.
More like ten million.
Comic #979
June 3 2011
MOUSEOVER TEXT: out of respect for the face-blind, we should all wear different-colored masks
It is rather amusing that, in the TV show, the Ninja Turtles' masks serve the exact opposite purpose of actual ninja masks. However, I've heard that, in the original comic on which the show is based, the turtles did not have different-colored masks, and were distinguished from each other only by what weapons they were using.
TEXT OF COMIC:
Children are getting saturated with misinformation all the time-- the supposedly educational shows they watch are full of facts that have been simplified, dumbed-down and sanitized to make them kid-friendly.
Oh, I don't know. Kids today seem to know a lot of real stuff we didn't know when we were their age.
Yeah, but they think they know a lot more stuff that's actually BS. Look at Sharon here-- everything she thinks she knows about ninjas, she learned from watching the Ninja Turtles.
People aren't... really required to know about ninjas.
Hey, Sharon? Why do ninjas wear masks?
So people can tell who they are.
Comic #980
June 6 2011
MOUSEOVER TEXT: If Samson were Norwegian, his dad would be named Sam
Yeah, nobody actually calls a wire cutter a "dewirer." My spellchecker suggests "dewier" (comparative of "dewy") or "desirer" (one who desires). But it also suggests correcting "Samsung" to "Samson," so screw it.
TEXT OF COMIC:
You'll never figure out how to take away my strength!
You just wait and see!
Samsung and Dewirer
It's a Bible story, retold so that modern audiences can relate to it.
I think I'm gonna throw up.
Comic #981
June 7 2011
MOUSEOVER TEXT: Abby still holds out some hope for the Singularity, I guess.
Bat, my favorite character in the Charles Sheffield book "Cold as Ice," believed that even if you do want to have children, you should die before having them. He donated his sperm cells on the condition that they would not be used until after his death, because he reasoned that one should not decide to pass on one's genes until one has lived out one's whole life, making absolutely sure one doesn't have any harmful traits.
TEXT OF COMIC:
You know how some people have a "bucket list"-- a list of things they want to do before they die?
Uh huh.
Well, apparently some people also have a "cradle list"-- stuff they want to do before they have a baby.
What is-- oh, wait, I know what's on your cradle list.
Dying.
Yup.
What's on your bucket list?
Seeing the heat death of the universe.
Comic #982
June 8 2011
MOUSEOVER TEXT: this will make no sense to people who have not heard that song
Yup, #&!! is hell. I like actually spelling out the cussword with punctuation, instead of just holding down shift and pounding my hand on the number keys. @$$ and $#!+ are good ones too.
TEXT OF COMIC:
Anywhere you go, I'll follow you down...
What if I'm going up?
Scuse me?
What if I'm climbing up to the top of the Eiffel Tower or something?
Then I'll follow you down when you come back down.
But you won't follow me up in the first place?
I don't like heights.
How can you follow me down if you don't follow me up?
Dunno. That's your problem.
Go to #&!!
I'll follow you down but not that far.
Comic #983
June 9 2011
MOUSEOVER TEXT: Being pregnant with a baby unicorn would be pretty painful, I imagine.
There are various logical problems with the legend that unicorns will only approach virgins, but this one is probably the worst.
TEXT OF COMIC:
WHY UNICORNS DON'T EXIST
(drawing of baby unicorn with its mother
mother: Don't you want some milk, little one? You'll starve.
baby: I'm not going near you, Mom. YOU'RE NOT A VIRGIN.)
Moms rarely are.
Unfortunately, the poor beasts never learned to reproduce through artificial insemination.
Comic #984
2011
MOUSEOVER TEXT: TOO LATE
MOUSEOVER TEXT: TOO LATE
Today is not my birthday. That was a while ago. But it is the birthday of Judy Garland, Maurice Sendak, John Edwards and Eliot Spitzer.
TEXT OF COMIC:
Happy birthday, Abby.
My birthday was a while ago.
Well, happy belated birthday.
My birthday wasn't belated. It happened right on time. Your birthday greeting was belated.
Well, belated birthday greetings, then.
Too late.
Comic #985
2011
MOUSEOVER TEXT: With fractions, all numbers are divisible. Seven is divisible by 3.5.
Abby's perfectly happy with a less-than-half-full bag of cookies, since all the cookies that aren't in the bag are inside her.
TEXT OF COMIC:
Ooh! How many cookies do you have left?
Three.
Only three already? How many did you start with?
It was a bag of seven. They're pretty big ones.
So it's less than half full. Aww.
What a pessimist. You know, it can't even BE half full, because seven can't be divided evenly in half. Or really into anything except sevenths.
Prime numbers make optimism difficult.
Not for me! Just call me Optimist Prime!
Comic #986
2011
MOUSEOVER TEXT: we have pharis'd the Pharisees, and appleb'd the Applebees
If Abby were the grammar dictator of the world, we would all be the grammar dictatees: we couldn't write anything without her dictating it to us.
TEXT OF COMIC:
Look at this article about escapees from that high-security prison.
Escapees FROM the prison?
Yeah. They--
That doesn't make grammatical sense. The suffix "ee" indicates the object of a transitive verb.
An employer is the one who employs; an employee is the one who is employed. Logically, if people escaped the prison, the prison is the object of the verb "escape," and so the prison itself is the escapee.
You're not correcting my grammar. You're correcting the grammar of grammar itself.
If I were in charge, language would make SENSE.
Comic #987
2011
MOUSEOVER TEXT: also the nanoquid and the ultracrumpet
Yup, Abby writes fanfiction just to ridicule Star Trek technology by making up silly-named devices. What a not-nice girl.
TEXT OF COMIC:
Formula for naming a Star Trek device:
1. Choose a British word with a meaning somehow relevant to the device.
2. Add a high-tech-sounding, pseudo-futuristic prefix.
I can only think of two actual examples of that. Turbolift and hyperspanner.
Obviously you are unfamiliar with the gigatorch, the astrolorry, and the cyberloo.
You know, nice girls only write fanfiction to satisfy their sexual fantasies about Spock.
Comic #988
2011
MOUSEOVER TEXT: holy cow
Supposedly milk is an evolved form of sweat, and mammary glands are advanced sweat glands. This suggests, I guess, that the early ancestors of mammals licked perspiration off their mothers for extra nourishment, leading the mothers to evolve a few big sweat glands that produced especially nourishing sweat, on which their babies eventually became dependent.
TEXT OF COMIC:
Are you eating Indian food?
Yup. Matar paneer. These white things are cheese cubes. Really good.
Wait, isn't eating dairy products against Hinduism? Cruel to cows, or something?
Nope. Just because they consider cows sacred, that doesn't mean they don't milk them. In fact, I think they're considered sacred partly BECAUSE they give milk.
Why would giving milk make something sacred?
Why not? It's a wonderful gift, if you like dairy products. Personally, I worship soybeans.
You're being silly.
Hey, soybeans are a great giver of milk, not to mention many other forms of nourishment. They're as close to a god as I'm comfortable with. In fact, in Spanish, "soy" means "I am," which is God's name, according to the Bible.
You're being even sillier now.
Spanish leaves out pronouns a lot-- the complete phrase would be "yo soy." Which is not only a palindrome, but also a great brand name for soy yogurt.
Comic #989
2011
MOUSEOVER TEXT: wow, abby is bigoted against ugly illegitimate children
I'd make a great Aunt Sushi. Right now I'm toying with the idea of making a sushi completely out of fruit, wrapped in sweeter-than-usual sticky rice. (Who needs raw fish? The word "sushi" refers to the rice, not the filling, so you can wrap anything in sticky vinegared rice and call it sushi.)
TEXT OF COMIC:
Hey, it's almost the summer solstice or something, isn't it?
Who cares. You don't define summer by a date, you define it by when the outdoors feels like the ugly illegitimate child of a sauna and a steam room.
I dread summers. The only thing worse than a -50 windchill is a 90-degree summer with 100% humidity.
What's wrong with you? Most people like summer.
They like summer when it's winter, because they've forgotten what summer's like. I don't know anybody who actually likes summer when it's summer.
My aunt Sue, she's always happy this time of year.
That wasn't even a sentence. You can say "My aunt Sue is always happy this time of year," or you can say "She's always happy this time of year," but you can't just go and mix them together like another ugly illegitimate child.
Oh, quit being such a prescriptivist. Society defines what is legitimate and what isn't. I talk the way most people in society talk.
I apologize. It's just, you ran "Sue" and "she" together, and by the time I figured out what you actually meant, I was full of soul-crushing disappointment that you don't actually have an aunt named Sushi.
Sorry.
Comic #990
June 20 2011
MOUSEOVER TEXT: I like big noses and I cannot lie... #iamnotpinocchio
this was inspired by the song "Just the Way You Are," in which there are lines like "Her eyes, her eyes" and "Her hair, her hair," and then there's a line that goes "I know, I know," and I keep thinking it says "Her nose, her nose"
TEXT OF COMIC:
Why do love songs never praise the beauty of people's noses?
Wha?
You'll see eyes mentioned in a love song-- lips-- hair. But never noses.
Noses aren't beautiful. They're full of mucus and boogers. If you want to create a romantic mood, you don't talk about a body part that excretes disgusting bodily detritus.
And yet there are so many songs talking about ladies' butts.
You listen to the wrong channels.
Comic #991
June 21 2011
MOUSEOVER TEXT: copyrights should only be enforced when the famous steal from the less-famous
From her suggested disclaimer, it seems Abby is complaining about "Sugar" by Flo Rida. She'd probably also be annoyed by "Right Round" by Flo Rida or "Live your Life" by Rihanna. And those are just the ones I've noticed, with my severely limited knowledge of music, and my coworkers subjecting me to 8 hours a day of popular hip-hop on the radio. I still haven't figured out why Abby listens to the stuff on her own time. My characters sometimes do things even I don't understand...
TEXT OF COMIC:
They stole that song!
They did?
That whole verse is from another song by a different band, with only minor changes.
I get so upset about this sort of stuff, Norma. Modern music doesn't even try to be good on its own-- it just grabs a good part from someone else's song, sticks it onto its own mediocre song, and watches the profits roll in.
Music has always quoted from other music. And I don't see you complaining when your online friends make up their own remixes of famous songs.
But, see, when some little nobody quotes a famous song, everybody recognizes it as a quote.
The famous singers who are doing this kind of crap are MORE famous than the singers they steal from. 70% of the people who hear this on the radio are going to think this band came up with every word and note of that song.
So, what, are you suggesting there should be bibliographies aired after songs on the radio now?
"Disclaimer, y'all, this stuff ain't MINE. / I jacked it from Eiffel Sixty-FIVE."
Comic #992
June 22 2011
MOUSEOVER TEXT: More about sickness in tomorrow's comic!
We now return to our regular scheduled silly wordplay.
TEXT OF COMIC:
I hope you're not mad at me for playing this radio station. I... I hate it as much as you do, probably more, and yet I get a weird satisfaction out of making fun of the songs.
It's okay. I bear you no ill will.
Well, if I die after becoming the proprietor of a zoo where a deadly ursine virus has infected the grizzly pen, you won't inherit any of it.
Whaa-aa?
I will you no ill bears.
Okay, NOW I'm mad at you.
Comic #993
June 23 2011
MOUSEOVER TEXT: staying home with your sick kid is okay IF the kid is adopted
Conversations like this happen in my head all the time. Often I think Abby is my inner ideologue and Norma is the voice of common sense. Common sense doesn't usually win in my mind, but here it did, I guess.
TEXT OF COMIC:
I had to go in to work today even though I wasn't scheduled, because one of the cashiers had to stay home because of her sick kid.
Poor kid.
I have no sympathy for people who are late or absent because of their children. As an excuse, "I stayed home because my kid was sick" ranks right up there with "I stayed home because I was high on crack."
I am not sure I'm even capable of following that reasoning.
Well, yes, you might have to stay home if you have a sick kid, in the same way you would have to stay home if you were high on crack--
Not EXACTLY the same.
--But in either case, you got yourself into it in the first place, by HAVING a kid, or by BEING high on crack, neither of which is morally acceptable.
What is so immoral about having kids, anyway?
Come on, a basic sense of ethics will tell you that humans need to stop having biological offspring AT LEAST until all the orphans in the world have homes.
Adopted kids get sick too, though.
For crying out loud STOP messing up my RANT with your LOGIC!
Comic #994
June 24 2011
MOUSEOVER TEXT: I don't think any guy COULD relate to Cathy
My relationship with John is an ion ship, in a metaphorically romantic sense. The metaphor being that they are both awesome.
TEXT OF COMIC:
Cathy broke up with her boyfriend again. I dunno, she always seems to get together with guys she can't relate to.
Leave it to Cathy to take the "relate" out of "relationship."
Well, you can't really take the "relate" out of "relationship," because the "e" was dropped when the word was first put together. You end up just taking the "relat" out of "relationship."
Whatever. Quit being so technical. My point was just, in a romantic sense, what's left when you take the "relate" out of a relationship?
I dunno. Ionship, I guess. Ion ship? A ship with an ion drive, like in Star Trek?
Aw man, now Cathy has cooler stuff than I have.
I SAID in a ROMANTIC sense.
Comic #995
June 27 2011
MOUSEOVER TEXT: maybe it's the mode rather than the mean?
Apparently Abby likes watching TV the same way she likes listening to the radio.
TEXT OF COMIC:
They spelled "producer" wrong in the credits for that sitcom.
Who cares. The average viewer of this channel can't even read, anyway.
How do you average that?
How do you calculate an arithmetic mean when the options you're adding up aren't numbers? If half of all people are male and half are female, is the average person a hermaphrodite?
Half of the people watching this station are a little bit literate, and the other half are NEGATIVELY literate. When they look at text on a page, information DISAPPEARS from their brains.
Still, I think my level of literacy is skewing the average.
Comic #996
June 28 2011
MOUSEOVER TEXT: yup, cathy finds one kind of insult a LOT worse than the other
The most vicious animal you'll ever meet on a safari. (Not that Cathy would ever go on a safari, though.)
TEXT OF COMIC:
What are you having for lunch? Sugar cubes and lard lumps?
Mind your own business, you hippopotamus.
Hip-- hippopotamus?
You have NO RIGHT to call me that! You weigh twice what I do! If I'm a hippo, then you're a giant blubbery whale!
You just sit there and eat your sticks of butter and drink your glass of high fructose corn syrup, and get fatter and fatter like a brainless balloon, and don't come crying to ME when you're eighty years old and still a fat internet-surfing virgin!
But you know what, you won't even get that old, because someday I swear I'm going to seduce some gang member and convince him to spread your huge fatty carcass all over the quad with a weed-whacker!
I didn't call you a hippo for your weight. I called you a hippo for your temperament.
Oh.
Comic #997
June 29 2011
MOUSEOVER TEXT: I can't stay in the left lane, a car is in front of me, I'd look like a creep
In Germany and Austria, there's a saying about escalators: "Rechts stehen, links gehen." ("Stand on the right, walk on the left.") At least, that's what my mom claims. In all my time studying there, I never saw a sign stating this rule, and I certainly never saw anyone following it.
TEXT OF COMIC:
Escalator working optimally, serving both its purposes
People standing still: using the escalator to get to another floor as fast as taking the stairs, but with no effort at all
People walking: using the escalator to get to another floor faster than taking the stairs, but with no more effort than taking the stairs
Escalator in the real world
People who insist on standing diagonally behind the person in front of them, because they think standing directly behind someone would be creepy or something
Person whose bus is at the bottom of this escalator, and who has NO CHANCE of catching it
I take it you had another bad experience with crowds.
Imagine if highway lanes worked like this.
Comic #998
June 30 2011
MOUSEOVER TEXT: only Sunday sucks
Little-known fact: Fridaynosaur has a whole family.
TEXT OF COMIC:
It's Thursday already? This is awesome.
Why? Why is it awesome that it's Thursday?
Because it's almost Friday! Duh!
But Friday is only awesome because it's almost Saturday.
If Thursday is awesome because it's almost Friday, then Wednesday is awesome because it's almost Thursday, and so on, all the way back to Monday. You're living in a tunnel of awesomeness, a constant bottleneck of bliss and euphoria.
Your point is?
That... sounded a lot worse in my head.
Comic #999
July 1 2011
MOUSEOVER TEXT: You can get candy for any holiday if you look in enough candy stores.
According to Molly Ivins, George Bush once ate a birthday cake shaped like an American flag, during the same period of time when he was campaigning for a law against flag desecration. I've always found that funny.
TEXT OF COMIC:
I'd like Independence Day better if it had a candy.
What?
Like little sugar flags, or something.
Most holidays have their own special candy. Valentine's Day has conversation hearts. Easter has jelly beans and chocolate bunnies. Halloween has candy corn. Christmas has candy canes.
That's not "most holidays." It's not even most important holidays.
Yeah, isn't that weird? The importance of a holiday has nothing to do with whether it has a candy. Thanksgiving is more important than Valentine's Day, but we get conversation hearts and no candy turkeys.
Candy turkeys would gross me out. No matter what they tasted like, I would imagine them tasting like turkey.
But admit it, you'd love to eat sugar flags.
That's flag desecration. The thing would end up in the toilet.
Comic #1000
July 4 2011
MOUSEOVER TEXT: Happy 4th of July, too. I totally didn't plan that.
She also doesn't need all those parentheses. Way to go, Norma. Geez.
TEXT OF COMIC:
Okay, everyone, this may APPEAR to be the 1000th Abby and Norma strip, but this equation says otherwise.
A = (S + [e + f]) - v
A = actual number of a given Abby and Norma strip
S = stated number of the strip
e = number of extra, letter-denoted strips that have happened before this strip, such as "Abby and Norma #21b" and "Abby and Norma #38b"
f = number of strips that were the very first A&N strip ever posted, and were titled "Abby and Norma #0"
v = number of strips reposted during sabbatical vacations before this strip
Researching to find out that e = 4, f = 1, and v = 72, and then doing some highly advanced math, we can deduce that...
That equation is stupid.
For starters, f will always equal 1, no matter what. And e will always equal 4, for any strip after 38, because the author quit adding extra strips ending with letters a LONG time ago. And v will PROBABLY always equal 72, because I doubt she plans to do another reposting vacation like that.
So you could make your equation way simpler by changing it to "A = S - 67."
But then the audience wouldn't know WHY the actual number is less than the stated number.
So explain it! But don't add invariable variables! Variables are called variables for a reason! Sheesh.
Well, I like your equation "vary" much.
Shut up.
Comic #1001
July 5 2011
MOUSEOVER TEXT: abby has a weird definition of 'computerized'
Translation for computers: "Compared to their predecessors, newer computers are more like newer people, and newer people are less like older computers."
TEXT OF COMIC:
It's scary how computerized the world is now.
What do you mean? The world is less computerized than it used to be.
What? No it's not.
It's more controlled by computers, Norma, but it is less computerized.
A simple, primitive computer runs on very strict rules. There is only one workable way to tell it to do something. A tiny typo in coding can ruin your whole program.
Remind you of anything? Like maybe the strict, prescriptivist grammar rules that are going out of style now? Or old-fashioned systems of table manners, where the whole social experience was wrecked if you used your dinner fork for your salad?
Computers are becoming more like people, but people are becoming less like computers.
A computer would find that paradox confusing.
Comic #1002
July 6 2011
MOUSEOVER TEXT: yes, Abby in the last panel used the 'yeep' and 'yoop' pronunciations
Perhaps someone will draw and hang her, as a picture on the wall. Or shoot and hang her, as a photograph.
TEXT OF COMIC:
We need more parentheses in language!
What?
We need parentheses! How else can you tell what I mean when I say "Don't hate me because I'm beautiful"?
I don't know why you'd ever say that.
Well, if I'm saying "Don't (hate me because I'm beautiful)," it's because I fear that my beauty will cause you to hate me. But if I'm saying "(Don't hate me) because I'm beautiful," I fear you might hate me for some other reason, but I think my beauty might be able to change your mind.
I don't think the finger parentheses are working that well.
See, that's another thing. Not only do we need more parentheses-- we need a way to pronounce them, so they can actually be used in speech.
If you say so.
I say we pronounce the opening parenthesis "yeep" and the closing parenthesis "yoop."
That would sound ridiculous. If that ever actually catches on, you should be hanged, or drawn and quartered.
Is that "hanged or (drawn and quartered)," or is it "(hanged or drawn) and quartered"?
Comic #1003
July 7 2011
MOUSEOVER TEXT: I think that tactic is mentioned in Sun Tzu's Art of War
They haven't covered their noses, so they can all smell evil, too.
TEXT OF COMIC:
I'm annoyed by those monkeys you see in pictures.
What monkeys?
The ones that hear no evil, see no evil and speak no evil. Come on! Being in denial about evil won't make it go away! What kind of lesson is that?
Oh, those monkeys aren't in denial.
The fact that they're covering various body parts is just to confuse you. The one that's covering its mouth can still hear and see. The one that's covering its ears can still see and speak. The one that's covering its eyes can still speak and hear.
The lesson they're teaching isn't to ignore evil. It's to trick evil into THINKING you're ignoring it, and then pounce on it when its guard is down.
Your interpretations of cultural icons always make more sense than their intended meanings.
Comic #1004
July 8 2011
MOUSEOVER TEXT: excuuuuuse me, princess
Working in a job that uses walkie-talkies can be frustrating. You end up wanting so badly to be angry at other people when they don't hear you, and yet you know, deep down, that it isn't their fault and you don't have any real person you can blame for it. When machines become intelligent, it will be such a relief, because we will finally be justified in getting mad at them.
TEXT OF COMIC:
Norma? Are you still in the other room?
Yes.
Why didn't you answer me a second ago when I called you? And don't say you didn't hear me. That's no excuse-- you should have been listening!
I did answer you. I told you I would be over there in a minute.
But I didn't hear you!
Excuses are only valid for you, aren't they?
Comic #1005
July 11 2011
MOUSEOVER TEXT: glucose tablets do work better than sugar pills
I didn't like the word "placebo" before I wrote this comic, and now I like it even less.
TEXT OF COMIC:
This article is about how there are some drugs you can't effectively test against a placebo.
What drugs?
Well, drugs with strong side effects. Like antidepressants. Testing a drug against a placebo depends on the patients not knowing whether they're getting the placebo or the real thing. But if they get the side effects, they'll know it's real.
Then, if the drug works better than the placebo, you'll never know if it was because the drug actually IS better, or if people just had a stronger placebo effect because the side effects made them believe in it more.
That makes me wonder... what about other things besides drugs? Like exercise, and healthy food? Things that you can't possibly trick patients into thinking they have when they don't?
All the studies that show the benefit of exercise are invalid, because they had no placebo! Nobody was deceived into thinking they were exercising when they were actually sitting on the couch. Maybe people benefit from exercise only because they BELIEVE they will!
There is no placebo for broccoli! There is no non-broccoli substance that looks and tastes exactly like broccoli! Until someone invents one, I'm assuming that broccoli makes you healthy ONLY THROUGH A PLACEBO EFFECT!
Now we know how virtual reality will be used in the future.
Comic #1006
July 12 2011
MOUSEOVER TEXT: her natural habitat is a bedroom
It's a bad idea to tell subjects when you're going to observe them. It might be optimal from a research ethics standpoint, but it really skews the results.
TEXT OF COMIC:
Hey, Cathy, can I come and observe you in your natural habitat?
What?
Can I follow you to a bar and take notes on your behavior? I'm doing a science project.
My natural habitat isn't a bar!
Frankly, I'm not sure a bar is anyone's natural habitat-- from what I've heard of them, they're so unpleasant I'm barely willing to do it. But if entomologists can trek through steaming jungles to study writhing, venomous bugs, I'm determined to do what I can for science.
If I pick up a guy, are you going to follow us back to my dorm, too?
No... there's already way too much material out there on the mating practices of your species.
Comic #1007
July 13 2011
MOUSEOVER TEXT: If you're pregnant, you're not a virgin, but your drinks should be.
I once found a wonderful book on making tasty non-alcoholic drinks, but I did not buy it, because the title was "Preggatinis," and every drink in the book had a name containing some variation on the word "pregnant," "baby" or "mommy." I would rather invent my own drinks than be reminded of babies every time I make a drink. My Preggatinis would not taste that good, because they would all have vomit in them.
TEXT OF COMIC:
I told you not to follow me.
I tried not to be noticed. If my subjects notice me, it affects my research.
Well, I noticed you. Stop researching me. I thought you didn't even care how normal humans acted. And I know you don't even like being inside a bar.
True, I don't enjoy being surrounded by noisy drunk crowds and vile smells, whereas you do. But that's because you're an alcoholic, and I'm a...
Bartender, what's the opposite of "alcoholic"?
"Virgin."
Yeah. I'm a virgin.
You might not be, if you went to bars like a normal person.
Comic #1008
July 14 2011
MOUSEOVER TEXT: she will be a senior forever... just keep taking classes til she dies
Categorical syllogisms have "major," "minor" and "middle" terms. At the time I took my formal logic class, I was majoring in German and minoring in Spanish, and I liked to add that I was more than middling in logic. I don't think anyone ever got the joke.
TEXT OF COMIC:
Now, as part of my experiment, I'm going to go through this primitive ritual called "ordering a drink."
Okay. Can I see your ID?
ID?
Yeah, to make sure you're not a minor.
I am a minor. I'm an art minor, and a language major.
I'm not serving you a drink, because if alcohol makes you any weirder, I don't want to know.
Can I get the seniors' discount? I am a senior in college.
Comic #1009
July 15 2011
MOUSEOVER TEXT: Stop calling me Sir!
I think the offense stems from the fact that much of our definition of human beauty is based on gender-specific traits... body hair is more common on men than on women, so it's considered beautiful for women to have as little as possible; breasts are larger on women than men, so women are deemed prettier if they have large ones, while men are the opposite. Thus, by suggesting that Norma looked like the opposite sex, the stranger was unwittingly calling her ugly.
Of course, that means nothing if the stranger saw none of her body or face, hidden as they were in the hooded sweatshirt. Or when a stranger sees my short haircut from behind, and addresses me as "sir"-- I see no reason to be annoyed. I look like a pretty sexy guy when seen from the back.
TEXT OF COMIC:
I went out wearing a hooded sweatshirt today, and some random stranger came up and asked when the bus was coming. And he called me "sir."
Well, at least he was polite.
I was pretty offended! What, a woman can't wear a hooded sweatshirt? What was it that made him think I was a guy?
Why are people so regularly offended when they are mistaken for the other sex? I don't get it.
Wouldn't you be offended? If someone thought you were male?
No. That would be as bigoted as being offended if someone thought I was another race.
First I was a guy, and now I'm a racist.
At least we don't have race-specific titles and pronouns.
Comic #1010
July 18 2011
MOUSEOVER TEXT: shouldn't be hard
The first two panels of this comic would work as Dinosaur Comics dialogue.
TEXT OF COMIC:
Three things that everyone else in the world loves, and I hate:
Having babies.
Driving cars.
Drinking alcohol.
Man, am I destined for a miserable life!
You know what's going to happen as soon as other people start noticing that I exist? Well, first, because I am the ONLY person who can be happy without drinking booze, everyone is going to want me to be their freakin' DESIGNATED DRIVER.
Plus, people are going to be LINING UP to rent my womb for surrogate mothering purposes, 'cause who wants to go nine whole months without getting drunk when you know someone who would happily go her whole LIFE without getting drunk, AND has a uterus she's not using.
My three big unique hates are utterly incompatible. It's like being one of the only five tall people at your school, but hating basketball. Or being the only person in the world who was born with an innate time traveling ability, but being unable to tolerate jet lag.
So now hating alcohol is a super power.
I'm just going to have to make sure nobody ever notices me.
Comic #1011
July 19 2011
MOUSEOVER TEXT: They're salt cookies.
Those horrible energy gel things work too.
TEXT OF COMIC:
What are those? Sugar cookies?
Well, when I'm at work, sometimes I don't get a chance to go on my break until well after lunchtime, and I get so hungry it's hard to do my job.
I tried carrying granola bars and candy in my pockets all the time, but my willpower isn't strong enough. I eat them when I'm not even that hungry, and then they aren't there when I need them.
So I decided I needed a food that was filling but didn't taste good.
Like--
Yeah, like the opposite of "tastes great, less filling." Something I could eat if I needed to eat, but wouldn't eat if I just wanted to eat.
So they're sugar cookies without the sugar.
You are a creative problem-solver. That's all I can say for you.
Comic #1012
July 20 2011
MOUSEOVER TEXT: Yah really!
I am actually not sure whether or not my eyes stay open when John and I kiss. When I'm kissing him, I don't pay attention to visual input, since other senses are so busy.
TEXT OF COMIC:
I don't trust my new boyfriend. When we kiss, he always keeps his eyes open.
What? Why does that matter?
You have OBVIOUSLY never kissed anyone. When you kiss, you close your eyes, if you're really into it.
So how do you know his eyes were open?
What do you mean how do I know? Because I... saw... them. Okay, I admit, my eyes were open too. But only to see whether his eyes were open!
And how do you know he didn't have his eyes open for the same reason?
If so, our relationship is starting out with a lot of distrust.
Oh really.
Comic #1013
July 21 2011
MOUSEOVER TEXT: Bulimia, on the other hand, is double-wasteful.
The next day, Abby gets an intervention for eating too much candy.
TEXT OF COMIC:
I've heard that there are people who put up pro-anorexia sites, telling people it's fine to have eating disorders. They'll have discussions about how to maintain willpower and keep from eating, and post information about the minimum amount you have to eat to stay alive.
How can they rationalize that? I mean, with all the harm anorexia does, how can they say it's okay?
Well, if they really follow those instructions about eating the minimum amount to stay alive, I actually don't see anything wrong with it. They're staying alive, and they're making more food available for other people. It's less wasteful than a normal lifestyle.
But on the other hand, if they are doing that, then I'm not sure it qualifies as anorexia. People with real eating disorders lose control, and end up eating so little that it's not sustainable; they'll lose weight until they die or get hospitalized.
If they are eating enough to really stay alive, it's not anorexia, I would think. There was that guy on TV who tried to live on the bare minimum of food because he had heard that it increased the lifespans of rats. Nobody called him anorexic.
Well, you could have real anorexia and still eat enough to stay alive, if your willpower slipped up often enough. But it would be hard to plan it that way.
Does the reason even matter-- whether you're eating less because of an obsession with losing weight, or because you want to lengthen your lifespan, or because you're on a hunger strike, or fasting for your religion, or whatever?
What should matter is whether you're eating enough to live. If it's not harming you, it's nobody else's business.
Wait, so if you are harming yourself, it is other people's business? Should smokers get interventions?
Definitely.
Comic #1014
July 22 2011
MOUSEOVER TEXT: using the word "reality" in their name qualifies as dishonesty
Shall we invent a reality show that is dishonest about its dishonesty about its dishonesty?
TEXT OF COMIC:
Reality shows are so dishonest. They try to look spontaneous, but it's all staged.
It's not any more staged than a science fiction show.
But a science fiction show TELLS you it's not true. Fiction is honest about its dishonesty. Reality shows are dishonest about their dishonesty.
Wouldn't that cancel out or something?
Your lack of logic skills probably comes from watching too many reality shows.
Comic #1015
July 25 2011
MOUSEOVER TEXT: sorry again about Gimp not allowing accent marks
Or maybe a Sag-itarian is an eater of sage?
TEXT OF COMIC:
Have you ever made a successful souffle?
No. But I've never made an unsuccessful one either. I know better than to try and do impossible things.
I made an unsuccessful one this afternoon. It sagged in the middle. I'm eating it anyway, because I don't have anything else to eat.
So you eat saggy things. You're a sag-itarian!
Or I might make you eat it.
Comic #1016
July 26 2011
MOUSEOVER TEXT: which is awesome whether it results in sex or not
I first heard this line in a Monty Python sketch when I was about ten years old, but I never realized the double entendre until March 9, 2011, right before I wrote the dialogue of this comic. And weirdly, the meaning I had noticed until then was the figurative one ("hold the question against me") rather than the literal one.
Then, days after I wrote the dialogue for this comic, Cowbirds in Love posted a somewhat related one-- probably inspired by the same stupid song that came out around then and got me thinking about it. Well, that's not gonna stop me from posting this one anyway. So there, Sanjay.
And for what it's worth, I picked up John by saying "I'm saving my virginity until I find someone who will have sex with me." (There, I've just given you a geek pickup line that has actually worked at least once. Use it wisely.)
TEXT OF COMIC:
What do you think is the best geek pickup line?
What? I have no idea. What about you?
My favorite is "If I said you had a beautiful body, would you hold it against me?"
That's not a geek pickup line!
Sure it is! It's an ingenious piece of wordplay: "hold it against me" could mean either "hold the question against me" or "hold your body against me." You'll have no trouble picking up language nerds.
But if someone says "no," will you take it as a rejection or an acceptance?
If I'm talking to a true geek, I will take it as a double entendre that means both at once.
Comic #1017
July 27 2011
MOUSEOVER TEXT: I think intelligent life is out there, but rare, and most of it not much older than us.
I like xkcd's take on the subject.
TEXT OF COMIC:
Some people think there can't be any intelligent aliens, because we have never picked up any radio transmissions from them.
But, even if you discount the possibility that we might have missed something because we weren't looking everywhere, or that the aliens might live too far away for their radio waves to have reached us by now-- who says all intelligent species use radios?
Well, radio is a pretty basic technology. It would be hard to imagine an intelligent species that hadn't at least tried it.
Oh? What about humans three hundred years ago? Shakespeare didn't have a radio! Was Shakespeare not an intelligent being?
You've got a point. Maybe humans are just the most technologically advanced species in the universe.
No species gets much farther than this without killing itself.
Comic #1018
July 28 2011
MOUSEOVER TEXT: *draws Abby with laugh lines, and then has nightmares*
John says it might also be because we don't go out in the sun a lot. Or smoke.
TEXT OF COMIC:
I wonder why people with Asperger's always look so young for their age.
Well, we don't wrinkle, because we don't have facial expressions.
HA HA HA HA HA
Okay, we have facial expressions. But we don't fake facial expressions for social reasons, which accounts for, like, 70% of the facial expressions the average person has.
I'm still surprised you don't have laugh lines by now.
Comic #1019
July 29 2011
MOUSEOVER TEXT: This is one of the 1000 best Abby and Norma strips ever.
Actually I don't think it was that silly.
TEXT OF COMIC:
That theory about face wrinkles was one of the silliest ideas I've ever heard.
One of? That means nothing!
Every idea in existence is one of the silliest ideas. You have to give me a number. One of the hundred silliest ideas? One of the fifty silliest? The ten silliest?
One of the one silliest.
Ah. Why didn't you say so?
Comic #1020
August 1 2011
MOUSEOVER TEXT: NO SUCH THING as too much Ninja Turtle
According to Wikipedia, they're now just calling it a Pulsed Energy Projectile (PEP).
TEXT OF COMIC:
Okay, so I was reading this article about how the military is developing lasers that can kill people, and you know what they're called? PIKL. P-I-K-L, but pronounced "pickle." It stands for "Pulsed Impulsive Kill Laser."
Is that stupid or what? I mean, even setting aside the stupid vegetable acronym, "Kill Laser" sounds like an imaginary weapon made up by a six-year-old who watches too much Ninja Turtles.
You wanna talk about kill-- would it kill THEM to be grammatically correct? Like preceding the noun with an actual adjective? "Pulsed Impulsive Deadly Laser," for instance?
PIDL?
Never MIND.
Comic #1021
August 2 2011
MOUSEOVER TEXT: Chastity with women, anyway
I read an article about the mathematical impossibility of the sexes having different average numbers of partners, and it suggested various possibilities, like that men are having some of their sex with prostitutes or with women in other countries, who aren't included in the female half of the survey.
TEXT OF COMIC:
The average straight woman admits to having fewer sexual partners than the average straight man. Which isn't mathematically possible.
It isn't?
When you count all the heterosexual, one-on-one sex acts that happen, the average number of partners per woman must be the same as the average number of partners per man.
Really? But you could have a town with 100 women and 100 men, and each woman slept with exactly one man in her life, but the same ten guys accounted for all of that sex.
And all of the other guys would be lifelong virgins? Yeah-- and in that case, the average number of partners per person would still be one, regardless of gender.
If you define "average" as the mean. But what if you're talking about the mode-- the most common number? It seems to me that men and women's sex habits are different, even if they average out to the same. Men are more likely to be epically promiscuous.
But if that's true, then they must also be more likely to be totally celibate, to balance things out.
Well, men are more likely to be doing life in prison. That might account for the chastity.
Comic #1022
August 3 2011
MOUSEOVER TEXT: I actually had a dishwasher in one of my dorms, too
I get trapped in this cycle several times a week.
TEXT OF COMIC:
Abby? Why are you starting the dishwasher again? The stuff in there was already washed.
But it didn't get clean. There's still food on it. I doubt running it again will help, but there's nothing else I can do.
You could take the dirty stuff out and scrub it in the sink.
No, because the sink is so full of other dirty stuff that I can't even run the water without it ricocheting all over the kitchen.
I can't empty the sink until the dishwasher is empty, and the dishwasher can't get empty until the dishes in it are clean, and they can't get clean until I empty the sink. I'm screwed.
Don't complain. You're lucky your dorm even has a dishwasher.
I'm trapped in the Dishwasher Cycle.
Comic #1023
August 4 2011
MOUSEOVER TEXT: the shadow knows
Abby would eat even more chocolate if it weren't for her distractibility.
TEXT OF COMIC:
Have you ever noticed how reflections have depth, but shadows don't?
If you look at a shadow on the wall while changing your position, the shadow stays the same, as long as the thing casting it stays still. But if you look at a reflection while moving, the reflection changes with your perspective as if you were looking at a real view.
Why do you suppose that is? Both shadows and reflections are images of three-dimensional objects cast on two-dimensional surfaces. Why would one seem so much more 3-D than the other?
Why are you thinking about this all of a sudden, Abby? You were in the middle of putting dishes on the counter so you could move stuff fom the sink to the dishwasher.
Well, then I noticed your chocolate bar was on the counter, and I thought about eating it while I was in here and you couldn't see me. But then I realized... just because I can't see myself reflected in the window from here, that doesn't necessarily mean you couldn't see me reflected in it.
Thank goodness for distracting thoughts.
Comic #1024
August 5 2011
MOUSEOVER TEXT: Also the video you showed in class was licensed only for private exhibition in homes
Abby would never sue someone for money or revenge. She'd only do it out of curiosity to see what happened.
TEXT OF COMIC:
Abby, the only reason you didn't get an A on your paper is because you didn't follow the directions exactly. The assignment required you to support your thesis with quotes from both the textbooks I assigned for this course.
But the copyright pages on both textbooks said that they cannot be reproduced, in whole or in part, for any reason, without the express written permission of the authors.
I wrote to the authors, but I didn't get a reply before the assignment deadline. So there was no legal way I could follow your instructions.
The assignment isn't going to be published! The authors of the books aren't going to sue you for it.
Oh, so now it's okay to break the law if you don't think you'll get caught?
What, are you demanding that I raise your grade to an A?
Well, it's just that I'm really curious to see what would happen if I took this to court.
Comic #1025
August 8 2011
MOUSEOVER TEXT: As an animal lover, is it disrespectful for me to eat a chocolate bunny
I actually don't mind my middle name, even though it's Ruth, which everyone else considers disgustingly old-fashioned.
TEXT OF COMIC:
Can you explain this religious issue to me?
Sure! Explaining religious issues is my middle name.
Odd middle name. Well, anyway, this is the issue: some people buy chocolate crosses instead of chocolate bunnies for Easter.
And?
Well, why would religious people want their kids to EAT a sacred symbol of their religion? Isn't that disrespectful?
Hmm. Well, the cross was really a brutal instrument of execution, which was used to kill their messiah. I don't see why they would have any reverence for the cross itself.
But the cross was necessary for the salvation of humanity, according to religion. The messiah HAD to be executed. The cross served a holy purpose.
Well, maybe eating the cross symbolizes taking its holiness within oneself, letting it become part of your body and soul.
Except that chocolate mostly goes right through your system, instead of becoming part of you. Their holy cross is ending up in the toilet.
Aw man, I hate trying to explain religious issues.
I thought you said explaining religious issues was your middle name.
AND IT IS WELL-KNOWN THAT ALL PEOPLE HATE THEIR MIDDLE NAMES.
Comic #1026
August 9 2011
MOUSEOVER TEXT: If she brings the brush with her in the desert
Abby isn't really justified in thinking that her future self in the desert would have $3 on her if she hadn't bought the hairbrush. Generally, when you lose all your money, you lose all your money, regardless of how much it is.
TEXT OF COMIC:
Crap!
What?
I lost my hairbrush, and I bought a new hairbrush, and now I just found my old one in the bottom of my purse!
Now you have two hairbrushes. So?
The new brush cost three dollars! I now have three dollars less than I should!
Oh, horror, it's the end of the world.
This will follow me for my whole life, Norma. Every time I look at my bank balance, I will know that it is three dollars less than it should be.
It won't kill you.
Until I'm lost in the desert, without transportation or money, dying of thirst, someday in my distant future. And when I finally spy a gas station off on the horizon and crawl arduously toward it, I will see a sign, and that sign will say "Bottled Water: $3."
But at least you'll have well-brushed hair.
Comic #1027
August 10 2011
MOUSEOVER TEXT: I didn't want to be a termite anyway. I wanted to be a lumberjack.
I did a little plumbing
And there inside the wall
The centipedes and roaches
Were playing a game of ball.
They told me, "Close the wall up,
Go back the way you came,
Please leave and stop disturbing
Our intramural game."
TEXT OF COMIC:
Honey? Honey! Snap out of it and eat your dinner!
The Secret Life of Wall Termitey
Sometimes I think the only reason you remember things you read for class is because you made them all into puns.
Actually, the only reason I read anything for class is to increase my stash of pun material.
Comic #1028
August 11 2011
MOUSEOVER TEXT: batting practice?
I guess it comes from the fact that they use mainly their hands to crack people's joints. Although I heard some of them are using weird tools now.
TEXT OF COMIC:
Mom just started going to a chiropractor. Can you believe she and I are even related?
Eesh. Chiropractors are as bat-insane as their name suggests.
Bat-insane? Their name? What are you talking about?
Doesn't "chiropractic" mean "bat practice"?
No. "Chiroptera" is the Greek name for bats, but it means "hand wing." So a "chiropractor" is a hand practitioner.
Hand? That doesn't make sense.
Man, imagine if chiropractors really did treat only hands. When you hire someone to crack your knuckles, you are way too lazy.
And now I'm imagining a bat cracking its knuckles.
Comic #1029
August 12 2011
MOUSEOVER TEXT: This comic is autobiographical.
Abby always thinks of the most complicated thing first. The counterpart to Occam's Razor is Abby's Crank-Powered Multi-Bladed Beard-Scissors.
And I once made up the word "Dreet," as a name for a character in a story I was writing, only to find it already meant "poop" in Norwegian. I have a secret theory that every possible combination of sounds means poop in some language, somewhere.
TEXT OF COMIC:
I just realized that the name Sierra Mist is just a paraphrase of Mountain Dew.
You JUST realized that?
Yeah. I was doing this assignment on German slang, and it just hit me-- "sierra" means mountain, and "Mist" is German for doo-doo.
Mist and doo-doo? You... you seriously made THAT connection before you thought of "mist" and "dew" both being forms of water?
Oh... yeah, they are that too, I guess.
Welcome to the overly complex mind of Abby.
Comic #1030
August 15 2011
MOUSEOVER TEXT: now you're probably all going to try and explain it to me
I guess Abby's idea wouldn't really prove anything about how observation affects the motion of electrons, because no matter how it happens, the effect can supposedly travel backward in time.
If the cat stayed in the box for twenty years before you opened it, you'd get either a cat that had starved to death or a cat that had been poisoned. If the poisoning didn't happen and you got a starved cat, would that mean that the quantum effects traveled backward in time twenty years? I guess there isn't a limit to how far back they can travel.
I don't know. I never understand these things very well. I'd ask someone, but that probably wouldn't help, so I prefer to make silly comics about it instead.
TEXT OF COMIC:
They say that observing the motion of an electron changes how it moves.
Yeah.
But how do they know that? How can they know how an electron moves when it's NOT being observed?
Well, I'm not really an expert on these things. But obviously they have one way of getting a basic idea of how it's moving, and then they have another, more invasive way of observing it.
So why don't they try doing the more invasive way of observing it, but not looking at the results until it's over?
For all I know, maybe that IS how they do it. Why would it make any difference, anyway?
It would prove that the change is caused by some feature of the technology they use to observe it-- and not by some mystical aspect of human awareness.
Nobody even thinks it's caused by some mystical aspect of human awareness.
Then why do people think that opening the box on Schroedinger's Cat would make any difference?
Why don't you ask Hans these things instead?
Because he'd try to explain it, and I'd have to deal with the humiliation of not understanding.
Comic #1031
August 16 2011
MOUSEOVER TEXT: They were right about the universe not being infinite, but for the wrong reasons
I dunno, if it red-shifts far enough, does it go infrared and become invisible? This is another thing I should discuss with John before I make a comic about it. But I'm not gonna, because I'm stupid and so is Abby.
TEXT OF COMIC:
You know that argument against the universe being infinite-- the thing about why the sky isn't all full of stars?
What?
Someone speculated, well, if the universe goes on forever in every direction, and there are stars throughout all of it, then why is there any black in the sky at all? Theoretically every spot in the whole sky should be taken up with stars, some of them unimaginably far away from us.
Ah. And if the universe isn't infinite, that problem is solved.
Except it isn't! Because supposedly, space curves, and if you could look far enough in one direction, you'd see things that are actually behind you. If that's true, then the sky in a non-infinite universe should look the same as the sky in an infinite universe.
But don't stars red-shift as they get farther away?
Exactly. Which leads me to my theory that the night sky is not black, it's just REALLY REALLY DARK RED.
This is another thing you should discuss with Hans before you write a class paper about it.
Comic #1032
August 17 2011
MOUSEOVER TEXT: let's send a malph through the stargate to see if it's work-safe
Sometimes, when I get way too angry, I find myself inserting profanity into places in sentences where I'm fairly certain no one has put it before. I've discovered that a sentence becomes pretty much incomprehensible when every other word has been replaced with the F word.
TEXT OF COMIC:
Look at this Youtube video.
Oh, okay-- What in the WORLD?
I find it very impressive that you can see something THAT weird and still have the presence of mind to use a euphemism instead of a swear word.
"What in the world" isn't a euphemism. If I had said "what the heck" or "what the fudge," that would be a euphemism.
"What in the world" is the original way of expressing that particular sentiment. It's not my fault that "world" has been largely replaced with religious and sexual curses that, when you think about it, make much less sense in that context.
You're still saying something non-profane when most people would swear.
But there's a difference between swear words that are replaced with non-swear words to soften the effect, and non-swear words that are replaced with swear words to intensify it.
So if "heck" and "fudge" are euphemisms, what do you call cusswords that replace ordinary words like "world" when people want to make the expression stronger?
Malphemisms.
You know, that sounds kind of like a swear word when you say it.
Comic #1033
August 18 2011
MOUSEOVER TEXT: mispronounced AH-myg-DA-la, of course
I had a very similar experience with the "Bulletproof" song. Seriously, I considered everything from "forever" to "your lover" to "Belieber," and it never occurred to me to try anything that wasn't intended to have the accent on the second syllable.
As of the time of this writing, the Wikipedia page for "amygdala" specifically includes a note at the top, indicating that "amygdala" is not to be confused with "Amidala." I guess a lot of people got confused?
TEXT OF COMIC:
I heard this one song a hundred times on the radio at work, and I could never figure out what the last word in the refrain was. I finally had to give up and Google the lyrics, it was bugging me so much.
The word turned out to be "bulletproof." And the infuriating thing is, none of the sounds were slurred or anything-- it was sung perfectly clearly. I just couldn't get it because the singer put the accent on the second syllable. BulLETproof. It threw me off.
I got stuck on looking for vaguely similar-sounding words that had the emphasis in the same places, instead of accepting that the word could really be just what it sounded like, except with the accent a little bit off. I don't understand why I found the cadence so important.
Yeah, especially since you're the girl who was making jokes about "Queen Amygdala" just last week.
THAT WAS DIFFERENT.
Comic #1034
August 19 2011
MOUSEOVER TEXT: gallo-banzo
John doesn't think the VW Beetle looks like a beetle. At all. It didn't even occur to him that it might be named after a beetle-- he assumed it was named after the Beatles, since they were popular around the same time.
He also can't see images in clouds, and when I told him chick peas looked like chickens, he reacted pretty much the way Abby did. I dunno... when I retell stories about John and me as Abby and Norma comics, I usually cast Abby as me and Norma as John, but this time I felt it worked better the other way around.
TEXT OF COMIC:
What's in this soup? Chickpeas?
Yeah, but don't worry. They're not actually made of tiny little chickens.
Why in the world would I think chick peas are made of tiny little chickens?
Well, they look a bit like raw whole chickens, shrunk down to a tiny scale, don't they? They have that little tail on the end, and those bumps near the other end that are kind of like wings. I thought that was why they're called chick peas.
No! They got the name from the Latin "cicer," the same word Cicero got his name from. And they don't look like chickens at all.
Yes they do! Put one on a tiny plate, and position it just right, and put some clay vegetables around it, and you could use it as a dollhouse chicken dinner.
You have a very broad idea of what a chicken looks like. Do you also think Hello Kitty is based on the appearance of an actual cat?
Well, your brain runs on face recognition software from the 1990's.
Comic #1035
August 22 2011
MOUSEOVER TEXT: Saturday was our sixth wedding anniversary! Yay for lasting marriages.
To be fair, Hans and Norma aren't actually in armchairs.
TEXT OF COMIC:
I wouldn't want to live in New York. I need natural beauty in my life.
New York isn't all city. There are even mountains there. The Catskill Mountains.
Mountains you can hike in? And get killed by cats?
I don't think the name comes from "cats kill." I always thought it was "cat skill."
What skill would that be?
Climbing, I guess? They're mountains.
Maybe.
Actually, it comes from the Dutch "Kaatskill." "Kill" means "creek" in Dutch, but nobody can decide whether "kaat" refers to bobcats, mountain lions, a Dutch word for a fortification, a Dutch word for a tennis racquet, a nautical term for a boat, or a guy named Cat.
Abby, get off your computer before you and Wikipedia merge to become a cyborg.
Computer-chair etymologists take all the fun out of armchair etymology.
Comic #1036
August 23 2011
MOUSEOVER TEXT: When I'm a great artist, even robots will be my fans.
Of course, she's still in denial about the fact that her job is endangered simply because it's at a bookstore.
TEXT OF COMIC:
You should be looking for a better job.
Mom, I'm still in college. And I like my job at the bookstore perfectly well.
It's menial! It's mindless!
Mindless is good! Why would I want to waste my mind on my job? I can think about my art and writing all day, while I'm making money putting books on shelves. It's awesome. I'll probably stay with it after I graduate-- it makes enough to pay rent if I go full-time.
Isn't there something you would rather do for a living?
Yes. Art and writing. But unless I become crazy famous, that's not going to happen, and this is the next best thing, because it leaves my mind free for art and writing.
Robots will be doing your job in a few decades.
Same with your job, Mom. Don't you do mostly data entry?
Well, yes, but you could still--
All jobs are going to be taken over by robots in the next few decades, but the arts will be the last to go. Robots will eventually do everything better than humans, except fields like art, where you can't objectively define what's "better."
Even when robots have taken over the world, some human artists and writers will still have their groups of fans, who love their stuff because it's theirs. Art quality is a matter of opinion, and some people's opinion will always favor humans.
What does that have to do with--
If I keep a mindless job that lets me maintain the possibility of being an artist on the side, that's the best chance I have, however small, of finding a niche where I won't be ousted by machines. You should be happy for me.
I'm wasting every cent I'm spending on your college education.
Comic #1037
August 24 2011
MOUSEOVER TEXT: If jobs ever became obsolete, society would really have trouble adapting.
I hope, for all our sakes, that Abby's right about robot motivations. But there are many ways the development of robot intelligence could go wrong, and the people with the most power to control it aren't well-equipped to understand it.
TEXT OF COMIC:
So you really think all jobs will be taken over by robots soon? With a world view like that, how can you keep from dying of depression?
I figure there will be chaos for a while. But then humans will realize they don't need to have jobs when robots are doing all the world's work, and they'll sit back and let themselves be waited on hand and foot.
But the robots would rebel. They wouldn't put up with being our servants forever.
People always seem to assume that a desire for individual rights is an inherent trait of any intelligent being. But the only reason humans have it is because we evolved from creatures whose sole motivation in life was their own individual survival and reproduction.
Robots, on the other hand, evolved from tools whose sole purpose was making humans happy. So why wouldn't the desire to make humans happy be a robot's main, basic drive in life?
If robots inherit any of their ancestors' traits, their basic drive in life will be to frustrate the crap out of humans.
Aww, is someone having trouble with Windows 98 again?
Comic #1038
August 25 2011
MOUSEOVER TEXT: crappity doo da, crappity ay.
Sometimes we don't really want to feel better right away. Sometimes we just want our bad mood to run its course. This goes against the idea that all desires are ultimately based on a desire for happiness, but that's the way it is sometimes.
TEXT OF COMIC:
I had another enlightening conversation with my idiot mother.
Aw, cheer up. You're too cynical about people.
People are vile pieces of poop.
Don't say that.
It's true. Even literally. If people are what they eat, and their poop is what they have eaten, then logically they are poop.
Well, "you are what you eat" is literally true, but only for part of what you eat. Poop is the part of what you eat that DOESN'T become part of you.
But everything you eat has been poop at some time in history. If your vegetables were fertilized with manure, they formed their own flesh out of the manure as they grew. They are what they eat too.
I can see you want to identify with poop right now, and there's nothing I can do to stop you.
Thank you for being so supportive.
Comic #1039
August 26 2011
MOUSEOVER TEXT: hot summers are good for making wine
Zach Weiner of SMBC once posted a poem where he rhymed his last name with "greener" or "carabiner" or something with a similar-sounding ending. I don't remember the details, and I can't find it in the archives, but he should know that his name is actually pronounced more like "whiner." It's a German name, and in German, it's I before E when the sound is "ee", and E before I when the sound is "eye." (The name "Weiner" means "one who makes wine," and "Wiener" means "one who is from Vienna.")
But then, if I'm going to be so picky about pronunciation, I might as well tell him he has to pronounce the W like a V, too. Let's revert all German-derived words to their full phlegmy Germanness! And while we're at it, let's all annoy football fans by giving Brett Favre's name its original French pronunciation, complete with the gargled R.
TEXT OF COMIC:
I can't stand the heat. I hate these humid summers.
You're a whiny wimp.
And a wimpy whiner. And virtually everything else that can be expressed using the words "wimp" and "whine."
Including a non-whiny non-wimp?
Well, technically that phrase doesn't use the words "wimp" and "whine"; it uses adaptations of them that begin with "non."
But your phrases didn't technically use both the words "wimp" and "whine" either. They used adaptations of them that ended with "er" or "y."
See, now you're whining about my logic.
And you're whining about my whining.
Comic #1040
August 29 2011
MOUSEOVER TEXT: Poor Abby loves art and writing, but is very bad at it.
This explanation assumes that the world's dumbest pickup line was invented before the typewriter... which somehow I don't find so unlikely.
TEXT OF COMIC:
The man who invented the world's dumbest pickup line
I wish I could rearrange the alphabet, so I could put U and I together.
That invention having failed, he went on to invent the Qwerty keyboard.
What? It's a better explanation than that story about it being invented for slower typing to prevent keys sticking.
I wish I could put you as far away from me as possible.
Comic #1041
August 30 2011
MOUSEOVER TEXT: yeah we work on the floor
I like how the statement "Food that has been on the floor longer than 5 seconds doesn't have any more germs than food that has been on the floor shorter than 5 seconds" expresses such a different message from "Food that has been on the floor shorter than 5 seconds doesn't have any fewer germs than food that has been on the floor longer than 5 seconds"... even though literally they mean the same.
However, I don't think the studies in question actually examined any food that had been on the floor for weeks. I think they just established that there is no magical germ threshold immediately after 5 seconds.
TEXT OF COMIC:
Studies show that food that has been on the floor less than 5 seconds does not have significantly fewer germs on it than food that has been on the floor more than 5 seconds.
Studies also show that many people actually live by the so-called 5-second rule, despite those findings.
I thought that might be of interest to you, since you live by the 5-second rule.
What? No, I don't live by the 5-second rule. Where did you get that idea?
Heck, I'll eat stuff that's been on the floor for WEEKS.
Ewwwwww.
Hey, you said it yourself-- it doesn't have any MORE germs on it.
Comic #1042
August 31 2011
MOUSEOVER TEXT: She should get a Kindle 3G.
Alternatively, one could illustrate that palindrome with creatures resembling a cross between a rat and a baby bear. They'd be even less likely to know where the Starbucks was.
TEXT OF COMIC:
I was at Cub Foods yesterday, and I wanted to go on the internet on my iPod Touch, but there wasn't any wifi.
I tried to find out where the nearest coffee shop was, but there was no one to ask-- the employees were all hiding, and all I could find were some teenagers hanging around like mall rats.
Cub Foods rats?
Yeah, I guess. I dunno. I wish I could have found someone to ask-- I've heard there's a Starbucks in the area.
Starbucks? Ask Cub rats!
Hmm, maybe I should have. They might have known.
Comic #1043
September 1 2011
MOUSEOVER TEXT: Happy September first
Logic is wasted on the figurative-minded.
TEXT OF COMIC:
This eco-friendly package is so stupid.
It has a picture of a pair of hands cradling the Earth. But if you were really a huge space giant holding the Earth in your hands, you would not be protecting it. You would be crushing and destroying all life in the areas that touched your monstrous fingers.
Maybe the Earth isn't actually touching the hands.
It shows it sitting right in them.
But maybe it's actually floating a little bit away from them. There isn't any gravity pulling the earth "down" toward anything.
FINE. So the space giant is blocking all sunlight to certain areas, and using the gravity of his own immense mass to mess up the tides and everything.
Maybe there are alien spaceships shooting missiles at the Earth from the other side of his hands, and he has to block them to protect the planet.
But then that's a dumb analogy for what the image is supposed to symbolize, which is that we have to protect the Earth from dangers caused by PEOPLE LIVING ON THE EARTH.
Symbols are wasted on the literal-minded.
Comic #1044
September 2 2011
MOUSEOVER TEXT: Sometimes Abby almost offends even me
Of course, one could still call the word "he" sexist because it is used as both a gender-neutral pronoun and a specifically male pronoun. The idea of male as default and female as exceptional may be inaccurate, going by actual population ratios... but it doesn't offend me, because being offended by that would require attaching negative connotations to abnormality. And in any case it can't be more offensive than using "actor" as a gender-neutral term.
The word "she" was apparently first introduced in the 12th century, and there are many theories as to its origin. Before that, what people used in its place was pretty inconsistent, but there were areas in England where the word "he" was not just gender-neutral, but also plural as well as singular. I'm not sure when and where the word "they" first came into use, but it's used in the Canterbury Tales.
I'm usually fine with "they" as a gender-neutral singular pronoun, but there are places where I end up having to use "he" gender-neutrally to avoid confusion. In a sentence like "When patients ask a doctor for unnecessary tests, he often performs them just so that he won't get sued," replacing "he" with "they" would make the message almost unintelligible.
That said, you can rearrange almost any sentence to avoid the problem altogether (for instance, "Doctors often do unnecessary tests when their patients request them, just to avoid being sued.") That can take a lot of verbal agility, though, especially when done in conversation.
TEXT OF COMIC:
My cousin is studying to be an actress. Well, I should say "actor"-- she prefers to be called an actor.
Strange, isn't it. People who are offended by using "he" to encompass "she," or "man" to encompass "woman," are completely okay with using "actor" to encompass "actress."
Well, words like "actor" and "waiter" aren't the same as words like "he" and "man." They give me more of an impression of being inherently gender-neutral.
Which makes no sense, because until recently, they were only used for males. Whereas the words "he" and "man" were originally gender-neutral, in Middle English. Using them only for males is just as sexist as using "actor" only for males.
Still, if we're going to start using the same words for males and females, I'd rather use ones that don't have a lot of gender-specific baggage attached. In Middle English, wasn't "they" also an acceptable gender-neutral singular pronoun?
Yeah, I'm okay with that, too. I'm not easy to offend.
Actually, I think you're very easily offended by people being offended.
Only when they're being offended STUPIDLY.
Comic #1045
September 5 2011
MOUSEOVER TEXT: offstage, Ron sheds two symmetrical tear
John and I have only one friend close enough to invite into our home on a regular basis, and he's of another race. I've often considered the question of whether there really is a significant difference between "some of my best friends" and "my best friend," or even "my only friend."
I would have addressed the racial side of the issue in this comic, but I don't seem to have any non-white characters. Whenever I think of adding one, I wrestle with the fact that a comic, by its very nature, ridicules the people it portrays, and ridiculing someone of a racial minority is very hard to do without looking racist.
But then, having only white characters looks racist, too. I continue to sit on the fence by telling myself that Hans MIGHT be Asian.
TEXT OF COMIC:
What's wrong, Hans?
I made some comment people didn't understand, on a message board, and someone called me sexist.
Sexist? You? Ha. If you were sexist, you wouldn't spend ALL your free time having deep intellectual conversations with the two of us.
Yeah, well, when I say "some of my best friends are women," it doesn't exactly sound very persuasive.
SOME OF? Hans, if you've had any social life besides us in the past three years, I don't know about it.
Yeah. The "some of my best friends" defense doesn't work, but if you replaced it with "my ONLY friends," it just might convince them.
Then they'd call me a sissy.
Comic #1046
September 6 2011
MOUSEOVER TEXT: abby might actually do badly on her english final this yea
Similarly, if you do business with a prostitute, you're really only a 'john' if you ask her to indulge some very strange fetishes.
TEXT OF COMIC:
I'm freaking out about finals week. Have you heard anything about what will be on the test in Chemistry 233?
I am not privy to that information.
Where does that phrase come from, anyway?
"Privy to that information"? Well, "privy" is an old-fashioned term for a toilet.
What does that have to do with having access to information?
If you are privy to a piece of information, that means you are its toilet. The information took a crap in your head.
Because, see, real truth is beyond our understanding. Our puny human minds cannot contain true information itself-- only its worthless droppings.
If you don't know the origin of a word, Abby, it's okay to tell me you don't know.
Comic #1047
September 7 2011
MOUSEOVER TEXT: you must be high if you think so
Puns are Abby's greatest weakness, but even her weak spots are strong against exhortations to have babies.
Then again, she did momentarily seem to give up her hatred of human reproduction for the sake of a pun, in strip #953. Maybe her mom's onto something.
TEXT OF COMIC:
I've been trying to gain some insight into your fascination with language, Abby.
Oh really.
I've been studying some German. Did you know the word "Hochschule" comes from "Hoch" meaning "high," and "Schule," meaning "school," but it doesn't mean quite the same as "high school"?
Mom, you're not acting like yourself. It's not like you to show so much interest in anything intellectual. Is this some kind of a trick?
The word "wedding" also begins with "Hoch" in German. "Hochzeit." "Zeit" means "time." Ever wondered why they chose that word for "wedding"?
Because it's a time when spirits are high? What's the point of all this, Mom?
Because it is HIGH TIME for you to think about getting married.
You're not getting grandchildren, Mom, even if you use puns on me.
Comic #1048
September 8 2011
MOUSEOVER TEXT: Abby would rather die in the sun's explosion than die sooner
Space travel that can safely move a live human to an extrasolar planet within that human's lifetime seems pretty far-fetched, but I still hold out some hope for machines that can carry our knowledge to other planets, or at the very least the ability to broadcast our information into space. I'm more afraid of all the information about me being lost than I am of death itself, because who I am, after all, is the sum of many pieces of information. If given enough information about me, the recipient of the data stream could even rebuild me (probably not exactly the way I am now, but hey, in ten years I won't be exactly the way I am now, either).
And information about our planet has certainly been broadcast into space already. (See What are they Watching on Alpha Centauri.) When scanning for SETI signals, maybe we shouldn't look for messages intended for interplanetary communication-- maybe we're more likely to find alien sitcoms and chat-radio programs leaking out into space.
TEXT OF COMIC:
What do you look so depressed about?
Oh, the usual. The inevitable heat-death of the universe, and before that, the sun swallowing up the earth, and before that, the fact that humanity and most of our creations will probably be destroyed by a meteor or solar flare before any of us ever move off the planet at all.
Well, the chances are that none of those things will happen in our lifespan.
Hmph. Thanks a lot.
What did I say?
You hear me stressing about things that could kill us, and your idea of reassurance is saying, "Oh, don't worry, something else will probably kill us first"?
Note to self: trying to make Abby feel better is a futile task.
Comic #1049
September 9 2011
MOUSEOVER TEXT: I hated misuses of 'literally' before they got unpopular. #hipstergramma
I know a lot of people who don't quite use the word "literally" inaccurately, but still overuse it. If you tell me "I want you to literally put that box on this shelf," I'll know what you mean, but I'll be baffled as to how I could figuratively put the box on the shelf. (I won't nag you about your split infinitive, though, because that soooo went out of style last century.)
TEXT OF COMIC:
Have you noticed that there are trends as to what kinds of grammar corrections are considered acceptable?
Trends? Like fashions?
Well, like hipster fashions. If too many people are correcting a certain grammar error, it stops being fashionable to correct that error. Usually that point comes when one really popular person criticizes how many people are doing it.
Nagging people for ending sentences with prepositions went out of style when Churchill was quoted as saying that it was "pedantic nonsense up with which I will not put." Whining about misuses of "literally" was dealt a big blow when XKCD posted strip 725.
I've realized I should be keeping up with popular culture, so I know which corrections have reached the point of cliche. I don't want to be correcting the same things everyone else is correcting.
Great, you've gone from grammar fascist to grammar fashionista.
Comic #1050
September 12 2011
MOUSEOVER TEXT: If they go bankrupt and shut down, is that breaking their promise too?
Wedding Day Diamonds, which advertises a lot on the radio here, promises an "ironclad, til-death-do-us-part" lifetime warranty on the rings they sell. They don't say what happens to the warranty if their store goes out of business within your lifetime.
TEXT OF COMIC:
Remember when Facebook was considering charging people money to use it?
Yeah, I remember. I can understand why they considered it, because revenue from online advertising is tiny.
Still, a lot of people objected, and now Facebook's home page specifically states that it is free "and always will be."
I don't see how they can keep that promise. People are getting less and less likely to click on ads, and I'm not sure online advertising will be able to support any site, say, twenty years from now.
If it ever comes down to a choice between going bankrupt and charging for Facebook, do you think they'll really decide against charging?
They have to decide against it. They promised.
But this is one case where nobody could really sue them on truth-in-advertising grounds. You don't get to complain that something was falsely advertised when it's free. If they start charging, nobody who used it while it was free ever lost anything due to the false advertising.
HA! A loophole in the truth-in-advertising laws! Yay, I'm going to go around promising everyone free gold-plated candy now! They won't get it, and THEY CAN'T DO ANYTHING ABOUT IT!
You have fun with that.
Comic #1051
September 13 2011
MOUSEOVER TEXT: 50 Ways to Fool your Mother by Bill Harley provides far more information.
TEXT OF COMIC:
Does it bother you that the song "Fifty Ways to Leave your Lover" doesn't actually list fifty ways?
Not really, no.
"Just slip out the back, Jack. Make a new plan, Stan." And so on. There are, at most, five or six ways listed in the chorus, and nothing else.
And those are really all just different ways of stating the same thing: leave suddenly without talking about it.
I guess most people aren't listening to that song as a primer on proper breakup methods.
I was shocked that it didn't include the screen-in-the-sports-stadium option.
Comic #1052
September 14 2011
MOUSEOVER TEXT: Maybe they treat the wound as best they can with non-antibiotics, but if it fails, they let the cow die? Still seems wasteful to me.
I don't drink cow milk very often-- I digest soy milk better-- but when I do buy milk, I prefer to buy the hormone-free kind. Not because I think it's any different from other milk, but because if I were a cow, I wouldn't want to get shots every day and be milked four times as often.
Not to mention that cows treated with hormones reportedly get more udder infections, making them need more antibiotics, and every time you use antibiotics you're helping breed more resistant germs. Treating a cut here and there is OK, but don't go out of your way to waste antibiotics on cow ailments.
TEXT OF COMIC:
I bought organic milk today.
I believe you. I believe that it contains carbon-based molecules.
Shut up. It says on the carton that they graze their cows on pesticide-free grass, they don't use artificial growth hormones, and they NEVER give their cows antibiotics.
Really? NEVER? What if a cow cuts its leg on the fence and it starts getting infected?
I'm assuming that they only mean that they don't give their cows antibiotics for unnecessary purposes.
But then they're LYING when they say they never use antibiotics. It's FALSE ADVERTISING.
FINE. If a cow cuts its leg, they kill that cow and throw its body away. Are you happy?
And this is supposed to be eco-friendly, sustainable farming? Senseless waste is more like it!
You're hard to please.
Not if people say things that make sense in the first place.
Comic #1053
September 15 2011
MOUSEOVER TEXT: maybe God is just a scientist, and we are to him as lab rats are to us
If he wanted to be believed in, he wouldn't have allowed the Star Wars prequels OR Star Trek: Enterprise. Pretty sure those combined to destroy many people's faith in a benevolent universe.
Anyway, in the case of God allowing atrocities, I never found it easy to accept the free will explanation. It would take a very twisted mind to decide that a few dictators' free will was more important than millions of people's lives and happiness. Furthermore, stopping things like the Holocaust wouldn't even require taking away anyone's free will-- just arranging circumstances so that certain actions were impossible (which God does all the time, anyway).
Of course there's the Burnt Toast Analogy I came up with a few years back... but even that still doesn't explain why God would design humans in such a way that they would always be outraged and miserable about the worst thing in their lives, even if it was something practically harmless.
Then there's always the possibility that God is good but not all-powerful, and allows atrocities because he can't stop them. But then there's no reason to believe he has any control over who gets into heaven, either, so that's no consolation to Abby.
TEXT OF COMIC:
I've started being really, really scared about dying.
Scared because you don't believe in an afterlife?
No, scared because I acknowledge a small, small possibility that there might BE an afterlife.
Well, if there is, I'm sure you'll be okay. You aren't evil.
Not by my standards, and not by most people's standards. But if there's a God in charge, and it's a God who allows things like Hitler's Germany and Stalin's Russia and the Star Wars prequels, there's no telling what he considers good and evil.
I think religion says that God by definition is good.
And it also says that good by definition is what God approves of, so you've got a circular argument right there. If good by God's definition includes all the things he's allowed to happen, then I can't count on getting into heaven at all, because I hate a lot of those things.
People deal with that sort of problem by not thinking about it, Abby.
The only thing I've got going in my favor is that, if God exists, it's pretty clear he prefers not to be believed in.
Comic #1054
September 16 2011
MOUSEOVER TEXT: a REAL friend would appreciate my wordplay
Norma is being crabbier than her usual self today. Abby can be forgiven for thinking she's an impostor.
Abby's not totally right, anyway-- the full word for "head" is "capita," and I don't know of any words that use "cap" to mean "head" all by itself.
TEXT OF COMIC:
You're so opinionated, Abby. You're always convinced that YOUR opinions are the RIGHT ones.
Well, of course. You can't have an opinion without thinking it's right. That's pretty much the definition of an opinion, Norma. What's your point?
You know what I mean. You've got such a swelled head. You have this-- delusion that you're the greatest person ever.
A Capgras delusion?
No, that's the delusion that your friends have been replaced with impostors. See, Abby? You're not always right.
I AM right, etymologically. "Cap" means "head" (as in "decapitation"). "Gras" means "fat" (as in "foie gras" or "Mardi Gras"). Logically, a Capgras delusion means a swelled head.
You'll say anything to avoid looking like you're wrong, won't you?
I think my friends HAVE been replaced with impostors.
Comic #1055
September 19 2011
MOUSEOVER TEXT: she better not lay down her life for abby, since abby is not by any means a friend
The first line of this comic is one that has been actually used by real religous people, despite its utterly contrary logic.
When you search online for phrases like "What does the Bible say about suicide," you get a lot of vague semi-relevant passages, never actually including the one that's closest to being relevant (the one about laying down your life for a friend).
And does that passage even make sense? Is giving up your life actually okay whenever you think it will benefit someone else? Doesn't every human death benefit others just by eliminating your deadly carbon footprint and making more resources available on this overcrowded planet? Can I responsibly keep living, knowing that if I died and left all my money to charity, I could save many more lives? Am I justified in continuing to let dozens of other people die just to keep myself living?
Of course, if they stay alive, each of them will cause others to die by taking their resources. There's no way to save everyone.
In case you can't tell, I'm depressed about the state of the world lately. Not suicidally depressed; I'm too scared of death for that. Just need-lots-of-medication depressed. Maybe Chrissy is right. Maybe I would be happier to go on living if I could believe in God and an afterlife and a greater purpose to all this. But being able to believe that sort of thing would require me to change who I am-- so drastically that my self as I know it would essentially'die, which is what I'm scared of in the first place.
And it's June right now, so by the time you read this I'll probably be out of this depressed phase anyway. Don't worry about me.
TEXT OF COMIC:
How can you live, not believing in an afterlife? Don't you feel like killing yourself all the time?
What? That's not even logic. That's like saying, "Wow, you have a million dollars! Don't you feel like throwing it away because you're upset that you don't have an infinite amount of money?"
I think this is the only life we get, so I value it all the more. What about you? Don't you think about killing yourself? I mean, you believe that you're going to go someplace awesome and live forever after you die.
Yes, I believe that, but I'll only go there if I let myself die naturally. Suicide is a sin against God.
Where in the Bible does it say that?
I... I'm sure it says it somewhere.
But it also says that "there is no greater love than to lay down your life for a friend." So if you believe that your death will benefit someone else, suicide is okay.
Are you saying people would benefit from my death?
Not everyone. Just me.
Comic #1056
September 20 2011
MOUSEOVER TEXT: closed-captioning opens your mind
Abby has the closed-captioning on because she fears advertising that targets her instincts and deep-seated biases through semi-conscious channels. She feels more consciously aware when reading the commercial's words on screen.
TEXT OF COMIC:
Ha. Look at the closed-captioning on this commercial.
Why do you have closed-captioning on, anyway?
"FEMALE ANNOUNCER: Do you want a yogurt that regulates your digestion?" I love how they specify that it's a female announcer.
Well, I think studies showed that people react differently to female and male announcers. It's calculated to get the most people buying their product. People are more likely to buy yogurt if it's promoted by a lady's voice.
Well, okay, but have any studies actually been done to determine whether it works when you can't even hear the announcer? Do people get the same feeling from seeing the words "FEMALE ANNOUNCER" that they get from hearing an actual female voice?
I don't think scientists have studied that, but I guess the closed-captioning still wants to specify, just in case it might work.
But maybe it doesn't work. Maybe it does worse, in fact. Maybe it makes people aware, on a conscious level, of the tactics that the ad is using. Maybe it rouses their outrage at having their gender-based instincts manipulated for commercial purposes.
If everyone were you, then maybe.
Comic #1057
September 21 2011
MOUSEOVER TEXT: A proposition: 'All people who are you are people I want to have sex with.'
A proposition: All P are Q
I proposition: Some P are Q
E proposition: No P are Q
O Proposition: Some P are not Q
EIEIO Syllogism:
E: No non-chickens are animals that go "cluck cluck"
I: Some animals on Old MacDonald's farm are chickens
E: No pigs are animals that go "cluck cluck"
I: Some animals on Old MacDonald's farm are pigs
__________________________________________________
O: Some animals on Old MacDonald's farm are not chickens
TEXT OF COMIC:
...conceived in liberty and dedicated to the A proposition that all men are created equal.
"The a proposition?" Did you just use two articles in a row?
No, I just added more detail to the text. I specified that the proposition "All men are created equal" is an "A" proposition-- the formal logic term for a proposition that follows the formula "all P are Q."
I don't know if "All men are created equal" is an A proposition, though. "Created equal" isn't a category, it's a relationship that all men have with each other.
When you say "All men are human," I guess that's an A proposition, because you're placing "men" in the category of "things that are human." But when you say "all men are equal," that's dependent on the whole group. You can't say "one man is equal."
But you can express "equal" as a term in a categorical syllogism. "Things that are equal to all others of their type" works as a category, for formal logic purposes. It doesn't matter that its meaning is dependent on others in the group.
For example, "All American men are men" + "All men are equal" => "All American men are equal." It works. The argument is valid; the conclusion is true if the premises are true.
I wonder what Lincoln would think of us logically analyzing his great poetic speech.
He'd be fine with it. He was a lawyer. They love nitpicky logic.
Comic #1058
September 22 2011
MOUSEOVER TEXT: people writing product warnings should be forced to take a formal logic class
I actually had this misunderstanding once. Luckily I was not deciding whether to eat the meat, just whether to put it in the defective bin in the stockroom at work.
TEXT OF COMIC:
This meat is awful. I'm pretty sure it was rotten when I bought it.
I'm not much of a meat eater. How can you tell if meat is rotten?
It was kind of brown. Fresh raw meat is supposed to be red.
Why did you buy it, then?
Because it was still before its expiration date. And there was a sticker on the package, saying "Check the expiration date before using. Meat color is not an accurate indicator of meat freshness."
I think that just means that they treat the meat with chemicals to make it stay red longer. Meaning that if it IS red, that doesn't necessarily mean it's fresh. They have to put that warning on it, to keep you from eating rotten meat just because it's red.
But the warning can equally well be interpreted as saying that non-red meat might still be fresh! The warning was supposed to keep me from eating rotten meat, but it's CAUSING me to eat rotten meat!
You can stop any time you want.
I WILL FORCE THEM TO LIVE WITH THE CONSEQUENCES OF THEIR STUPID ACTIONS!
Comic #1059
September 23 2011
MOUSEOVER TEXT: Lo, a unique man tux! #anagram
Happy September 23rd.
TEXT OF COMIC:
Hey, Norma!
Huh?
What do you get when you cross a horse and a cow?
A... how? A coarse? I don't know. What?
An equinox!
Ouch. I'm on the floor now.
You can stay down there for all 12 hours of the day, for all I care.
Comic #1060
September 26 2011
MOUSEOVER TEXT: Norma is becoming more like Abby in the last few strips
I suppose you could argue that having a lack of a trait in common isn't the same as having a trait in common... but I'm not sure you can effectively define the difference between a "trait" and a "lack of a trait." Everything can be expressed in either a negative or an affirmative way.
TEXT OF COMIC:
I hate how people keep trying to say that we're all more alike than we are different. It's not true! We are all different. We're not all alike. Every time people try to identify a universal trait of human minds, there end up being exceptions somewhere.
So you believe that there are no universal personality traits? There's nothing that all human minds have in common?
No, I think humanity is too numerous and diverse for that.
Do you think there's anything that all human minds EXCEPT ONE have in common?
Hmm... no, I think that's still too much of a blanket statement. People are just too different and unique.
So you think every human's mind is absolutely unique in some way?
Sure. I mean--
But if each person has some absolutely unique trait, then all the people in the world EXCEPT ONE have something in common: the lack of that trait.
Argh. You-- you-- Weird Abby-logic is MY trademark!
Apparently it's not absolutely unique.
Comic #1061
September 27
MOUSEOVER TEXT: or an optipessimist, or an optimist prime... she likes to mess with optimism
Optimists who let every bad memory go are like monkeys in denial about evil.
TEXT OF COMIC:
Abby can be so vindictive and pessimistic sometimes.
Huh, I've always thought her problem is that she's an optimist.
What? How is she an optimist, AND how is being an optimist a problem?
Well, it means she focuses on good memories and lets go of bad memories.
Again-- how is THAT like Abby, and how is THAT a problem?
It means she has no memories of any times when she was wrong.
Ahh... yeah, I guess she is an optimist in that way.
Comic #1062
September 28
MOUSEOVER TEXT: if the aliens were good geneticists, MAYBE
"Only attracted to space aliens" is the sexual orientation that usually goes along with transplanetism, the condition of being an alien trapped in a human body.
TEXT OF COMIC:
Mom won't stop bugging me to find a boyfriend. She doesn't understand when I explain that I'm only attracted to space aliens and I haven't managed to find one yet.
How do you know you're attracted to aliens if you've never met one?
Well, I don't know what they would look like, but looks don't matter. Just the fact that they're aliens would be enough to turn me on.
So you're really just attracted to the idea of them. Ha. I can just imagine you, breaking up with an alien. "I'm sorry-- I've realized that I wasn't in love with you, I was just in love with the IDEA of you."
I wouldn't be the first. People love ideas all the time.
Yup, they sure do.
Like my mom. She says she loves me, but I can tell she hates every single aspect of what my personality is like.
I think she still loves you.
Paradoxically, yes. She says it doesn't matter what my personality is like; she loves me because I'm her daughter. Which means she really just loves the IDEA of having a daughter.
That idea turned out pretty different from how she planned, didn't it?
She should focus her efforts on finding me an alien. If I could have alien babies, I MIGHT be willing to give her grandchildren.
Comic #1063
September 29
MOUSEOVER TEXT: or Mexico
I'm pretty sure Abby lives in Minnesota, but I refuse to believe patriotism plays a role in her taking of sides.
TEXT OF COMIC:
The United States should annex Manitoba and make it the 51st state.
Really.
Yup. It would be a tie-breaker.
What tie?
M and N are currently tied for first place in the number-of-states-beginning-with-a-letter contest.
And M deserves to win, because N only got so far by tacking "New" and "North" onto a bunch of state names.
Your fierce competitiveness is admirable, but I don't think anyone else is competing with you.
Comic #1064
September 30
MOUSEOVER TEXT: no, your x-in -law is not your spouse's ex
Actually, your sibling-in-law can be either your spouse's sibling or your sibling's spouse. But that rule of reversal doesn't work for a parent-in-law. The rules are far more complex than they seem.
I heard that one language has different words for "aunt" depending on whether she's your mother's sister or your father's sister. I can only assume the same language also has different words indicating an aunt-by-marriage on either side.
TEXT OF COMIC:
My aunt sent me a Halloween card already.
Which aunt, your mother's sister or your father's sister?
Neither. My mom's brother's wife. I guess that sort of aunt should really be called an aunt-in-law.
No, an aunt-in-law is your spouse's aunt.
So does "X-in-law" always mean "spouse's X"?
Well, that works for "mother-in-law" and "father-in-law." And "sister-in-law" and "brother-in-law."
But not "son-in-law" or "daughter-in-law." Your spouse's children are either your children or your stepchildren, not your children-in-law.
So how do you define in-laws?
People who are related only by marriage, I guess.
But that would include stepchildren. And the aunt I was talking about. No definition seems to work.
So you're trying to create a grammatical law to define in-laws. An in-law-law.
Laws are more comprehensible to me than vague complicated tendencies.
Unfortunately, language tends toward the latter.
43 Comics in 43 Hours
Oct 1, 2011
So it's "24 comics in 24 hours" Day again... except this time, I realized that (because of Strip 1000 ) it would be better to do 43 comics in 43 hours instead.
Just like last time , they're quick little doodles, drawn while standing up, in my scarce moments of spare time at work... but they're comics, and they add up. Happy October!
TEXT OF COMIC:
OK, WE'RE GOING TO HAVE 24 COMICS IN 24 HOURS.
AAA! MY GLASSES ARE CROOKED!
I'M SEEING IT DOUBLE... NOW WRE HAVE TO DO TWICE AS MANY.
WHATEVER.
OK, OK, WE'LL DO 48 COMICS IN 48 HOURS. LET'S START IT OFF WITH SOME FIZZY APPLE CIDER!
OOPS!
TO BE CONTINUED
YOU MESSED UP THE 48! NOW WE HAVE TO DO 43 COMICS IN 43 HOURS! MY OCD IS NOT HAPPY.
LOOK AT IT THIS WAY. THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN THE STATED & ACTUAL NUMBERS OF OUR COMICS WAS 67. ADD THIS TO THE 24 COMICS IN 24 HOURS WE DID LAST YEAR, AND ADD THEM BOTH TO THE TOTAL COMIC ARCHIVES, AND-- SEE WHERE I'M GOING?
THE NUMBER WE ASSIGN TO EACH COMIC FROM NOW ON WILL BE ITS ACTUAL NUMBER! WHEN WE DO OUR 2000TH STRIP, IT WILL ACTUALLY BE OUR 2000TH STRIP! WE JUST HAVE TO GET THROUGH 43 COMICS IN 43 HOURS, AND IT'LL BE ALL EVENED OUT!
WELL, OK. MY OCD IS PLACATED. LET'S DO THIS.
SO, WHAT SHALL WE TALK ABOUT?
WHAT? I HAVE NO IDEA.
UMM... OK. LET'S PLAY TRUTH OR DARE.
OK. DARE.
DREUGS ARE BAD FOR YOU. SAY NO.
I THOUGHT THAT WAS THE TRUTH.
IT'S BOTH.
SERIOUSLY THOUGH, TRUTH OR DARE?
TRUTH.
HAVE YOU EVER MURDERED ANYONE?
UMM, I'LL DO DARE.
OK. MURDER SOMEONE.
OK, JUST LET ME SET THE SIGHTS ON HER.
I'M THE STAR OF THIS COMIC STRIP. BUT I WISH I WERE THE STAR OF A DIFFERENT COMIC.
YOU WISH YOU WERE T-REX FROM DINOSAUR COMICS?
YUP--THEN I'D BE A STAR TREX.
THAT JOKE DIDN'T REALLY WORK.
OH NO! THE HELLO KITTY JUST HAD A LITTER.
A KITTY LITTER.
THOSE TWO CONCEPTS NEED TO NOT HAVE THE SAME WORD.
IF YOU SAY SO.
I STILL MISS THE 8 THAT YOU SPRAYED APPLE CIDER ON.
BUT IT'S A 3 NOW! 3'S ARE COOL! REVERSE IT AND YOU GET AN E.
REVERSE AN 8 AND IT'S STILL AN 8.
SO?
SYMMETRY IS PRETTY.
3 IS ALSO COOL 'CAUSE NOT ONLY CAN YOU FLIP IT, YOU CAN TURN IT SIDEWAYS TO GET AN M OR A W.
YOU CAN TURN AN 8 SIDEWAYS TO GET AN INFINITY. OR A... ANOTHER INFINITY.
LESS VERSATILE, SEE?
WE NEED SOMETHING BATTER TO TALK ABOUT.
LET'S PLAY "MOVIES IN MY PANTS."
STAR TREK IV IN MY PANTS.
THAT DOESN'T MAKE SENSE.
YES IT DOES. LOOK!
PARUMPUPUPUM
RUMPUPUPUM
RUMPUPUPUM
SINGING THE LITTLE DRUMMER BOY?
NO, THAT RIHANNA SONG ABOUT SHOOTING A MAN DOWN
YOU'RE SAD.
THE ABYSS IN MY PANTS.
SKRAM DIKS IN MY PANTS.
THAT'S NOT A MOVIE.
NO, IT'S BACKWARDS SKID MARKS.
THOSE ARE IN YOUR PANTS?
MAYBE.
43 IS A PERFECTLY GOOD NUMBER. IT'S ONLY ONE MORE THAN 42. YOU LIKE 42, DON'T YOU?
WHEN YOU ADD 1 TO LIFE, THE UNIVERSE AND EVERYTHING, IT JUST SEEMS SO... EXCESSIVE.
WHO ARE YOU, UP THERE WITH THE CAT?
I'M A DOG.
WHAT MUSIC ARE YOU LISTENING TO?
KATY PERRY.
DOGS LISTEN TO KATY PERRY?
SHE SINGS NOTES ONLY WE CAN HEAR.
THERE'S TOTALLY AN EXTRA VERSE IN "CALIFORNIA GURLS INTENDED FOR US.
THE TOWER IN MY PANTS.
THE KETCHUP EFFECT IN MY PANTS.
WHAT?
I... I SPILLED KETCHUP ON MY JEANS TODAY, SEE? IT MAKES SENSE.
WHAT'S THAT?
IT'S A STAR VAT.
WHAT ARE YOU COOKING IN THE VAT?
A SINGLE SODIUM ATOM WITH AN EXTRA ELECTRON.
NOT MUCH OF A DINNER.
NOPE. IT'S A STAR-VAT-ION.
FREE WILLY IN MY PANTS.
KUNG FU PANDA II IN MY PANTS.
TRUE BLOOD IN MY PANTS.
ETERNAL SUNSHINE OF THE SPOTLESS MIND IN MY PANTS.
YOU'RE DOING IT WRONG.
WHO ARE YOU, UP THERE BY THE CAT?
I'M KATY PERRY.
HELLO, CATHY
NOT CATHY. KATY.
HELLO, KIMMY.
NOT KIMMY, KATY!
HELLO, BRADY.
KATY!
HELLO, CANDY.
FORGET IT.
HELLO, KITTY
SCREW YOU
THE CHERRY BLOSSOMS
FALLING FROM THE TREE TO GROUND
ARE REALLY CAT POO
-HAIKU, UNKNOWN
WHAT ARE YOU DRESSED UP AS?
A STAR BIRD
WHY ARE YOU BOWING DOWN LIKE THAT?
IT'S A STARBIRD BOW
THIS IS A NEW MAKEUP FROM MAYBELLINE
IT MAKES ME LOOK THINNER
FOR ALL YOU KNOW, I MAY-BE-LEAN
OR YOU MAY BE STUPID
HI KATY PERRY
"AND YOU'VE GOT A SMILE THAT COULD LIGHT UP THIS WHOLE TOWN," SHE SAID BRIGHTLY
THAT WAS A TOM SWIFTY
NO, IT WAS A TAYLOR SWIFTY. I'M ACTUALLY NOT KATY PERRY
WHAT'S YOUR ZODIAC SIGN
KITTYPUS
THAT'S NOT A REAL ONE
YES IT IS. LOOK UP THERE!
"STITCH HAS A GLITCH" IN MY PANTS.
WHAT?
LOOK. MY LEFT CUFF WAS SEWN WRONG. THEY MISSED A FEW STITCHES.
OH.
WHAT'S YOUR STAR SIGN
UMMM
IT'S A FIVE POINTED STAR ON A STICK, PAINTED TRAFFIC-SIGNA YELLOW, WITH AN UPWARD ARROW ON IT
THE ARROW MEANS "LOOK UP"
OH, LOOK. AND ON ABBY AND NORMA MADE $2.48
LET'S PUT IT IN THE KITTY FOR A RAINY DAY
OK
YUM
MUSTARD WITH STARS IN IT?
MU-STAR-D
YOU HAVE SCRAPED THE BOTTOM OF THE BARREL ON THE STAR PUNS
I MAKE IT RAIN!
MONEY IS FALLING FROM THE SKY
YUP, I'M GLAD WE SAVED FOR A RAINY DAY
KATY PERRY, WHY DO YOU READ MY COMIC?
I LIKE SCREWING ALIENS TOO
EXCEPT YOUR ALIENS AREN'T SPOCK, THEY'RE KANYE WEST
SO?
WHAT'S THE POINT OF AN ALIEN BOYFRIEND IF HE'S KANYE WEST? I MEAN--
HOLD UP, I'M NOTTA LET YOU FINISH
GO AWAY
YOU CAN'T MAKE ME. I'M A STAR!
YOU'RE ALSO DUMB
THAT'S CALLED STAR-DUM
WELL THAT JOKE WAS EVEN DUMBER
ALMAY AND MAYBELLINE JUST HAD A MERGER SO THEY COULD MAKE ENOUGH OF THE THINNESS MAKEUP FOR ALL OF US. NOW WE ALL-MAY-BE-LEAN!
YOU HAVE A LOW-REAL-ITY LEVEL
OH HI KATY PERRY, YOU'RE A STAR AGAIN
NOT JUST ANY STAR. I'M THE SUN!
HELLO SUNSHINE
I'M SO HOT I'LL MELT YOUR POPSICLE
THAT BASICALLY JUST MEANS YOU'RE ABOVE FREEZING, LIKE, 32 F
IF YOUR POPSICLE'S MADE OF WATER, YES
WATERWORLD IN MY PANTS
ANTZ IN MY PANTS
SISTERHOOD OF THE TRAVELING PANTS IN MY PANTS
SPACEBALLS IN MY PANTS
THE WRONG TROUSERS IN MY PANTS
THE SOCIAL NETWORK IN MY PANTS
D-DAY THE INVASION IN MY PANTS
WILLY WONKA AND THE CHOCOLATE FACTORY IN MY PANTS
GOOD HAIR IN MY PANTS
WALKING ACROSS EGYPT IN MY PANTS
THEY'RE GOOD KHAKIS, THEY'D PROBABLY HOLD UP TO IT
THE POWER OF THE UNIVERSE IS CALLED CHI
IT COMES FROM THE STARS AND ENTERS US THROUGH FOODS LIKE COOKIES AND CAKES
THIS IS WHY THEY ARE CALLED STAR CHI FOODS
ARTIST, YOU'RE DRAWING US A LITTLE BETTER THAN LAST TIME, BUT I KNOW YOU COULD STILL DO WAY BETTER THAN THIS
DON'T HAVE TIME
NOT EVEN FOR US?
NOPE. PLUS IT'S HARD DRAWING WHILE STANDING UP.
BUT--
SHUDDUP.
YOU MELTED MY POPSICLE! AND YOU AREN'T EVEN THAT HOT!AND THEN-- YOU BOILED IT.
THAT'S WHAT YOU GET FOR HAVING A POPSICLE MADE OUT OF NITROGEN
SERIOUSLY
HOW WERE YOU EVEN HOLDING THAT THING WHEN IT WAS SOLID
SINCE I COMPLAINED ABOUT BEING BADLY DRAWN, SHE'S JUST KEPT DRAWING ME WORSE AND WORSE
MAYBE IT'S JUST TO SPITE YOU.
YES IT IS
I'M A STAR TURTLE
ALSO CALLED A STARTLE
I'M STARTLED
ALSO CALLED ANNOYED
YOU KNOW WHAT ELSE IS NEAT ABOUT THE NUMBER 43? IT'S TEH BEGINNING OF A COUNTDOWN. 4-3-2-1.
SO NEXT YEAR SHOULD WE DO 21 COMICS IN 21 HOURS?
IF YOU WANT!
I'M GOING INSANE! GIVE ME THE MOON & THE STARZ! I WANT EM! I CRAVE EM!
I'M STAR CRAVING MAD
OH LORD
HAHA! KATY, MY NEMESIS, I HAVE THWARTED YOU! SHINE ALL YOU LIKE, BUT YOU'LL NEVER MELT THIS POPSICLE! IT'S MADE OF STEEL!
I HOPE THAT'S TASTING GOOD FOR YA
REALLY I DO
WE DID IT! 43 COMIX IN 43 HOURS!
HEY! YOU KNOCKED MY GLASSES CROOKED
I'M SEEING IT DOUBLE! WE HAVE TO--
SHUT UP
THE END
Comic #1065
October 3
MOUSEOVER TEXT: Perhaps we shouldn't teach kids songs about cockroaches in the first place.
A cockroach being so addicted to marijuana that it couldn't walk without it seems quite unlikely. But not as unlikely as that drugged spiders video.
TEXT OF COMIC:
The song "La Cucaracha" is about a cockroach that can't walk because it doesn't have marijuana to smoke.
When singing the song to kids, some people replace "marijuana para fumar" with "las dos patitas de atras," indicating that the cockroach actually couldn't walk because it was missing its two hind legs.
Rather gruesome. Is that really any better?
Well, a cockroach would probably do pretty fine without its two hind legs. They have six to begin with, and the dang things can supposedly live a week without their HEADS.
So I guess I still object to the kiddie version of the song. It's inaccurate. That cockroach could walk just fine.
Could walk fine without marijuana, too.
Comic #1066
October 4 2011
MOUSEOVER TEXT: been waiting 1066 strips for this
Not so far from September 28th, either.
TEXT OF COMIC:
Hey everyone! This is the strip labeled with the number 1066, which, according to the strip labeled with the number 1000...
Shut up, Abby. This is NOT the "real" thousandth strip. That's the NEXT one. You're a day off.
You invaded my space! You conquered my special comic strip!
Yup. Let's just call it the Norma Conquest.
I WAS SETTING UP THAT JOKE FOR ME!
Comic #1067
October 5 2011
MOUSEOVER TEXT: if each strip were a bee, we'd be a killa bee
Four things:
#1. This comic was written before I got the idea to do the 43 comics in 43 hours, so maybe it's really the 1067th strip instead of the 1000th. Whatever.
#2. Isaac Asimov can be credited with inventing the "millihelen" (the measure of beauty sufficient to launch one ship). But even the most beautiful comics, with the most avid shippers among their fans, probably don't have a ship for every single comic strip they've posted.
#3. As for the kilobyte-sized strips-- I tried, and it's impossible to resize a picture to one kilobyte. Even if you shrink it down to one pixel, the information that identifies it as a picture is still at least 4 kb. I also tried Googling every phrase I could think of that related to resizing something to 1 kb, and found nothing at all... so not only is it impossible, but nobody else on the whole internet has ever WANTED to do it.
And, #4... if you were holding off on buying the Abby and Norma print collection because it contained strips that haven't posted yet, now is a good time to buy it. It's a compendium of 500 selected favorites between #0 and #1067, and we're at #1067 now.
It's available for $4.89 as a PDF download, or $15.00 as a paperback book. It is is entitled Everything Happens for a Reason (but nothing happens for a GOOD reason) , which is a reference to this strip .
It's bigger, better and more beautiful than the old Abby and Norma book, and has 500 of my selected favorite comics from the first 1000 strips. They're still black-and-white (they'd cost way too much to print otherwise) but each strip takes up one page, unlike the older book where longer strips were split onto multiple pages. (For the longest strips, this means the text is very small, but still legible.)
The mouseover text and blog posts are included (sometimes shortened, but also sometimes improved). There are plenty of extras like behind-the-scenes photos and screenshots, copying-and-pasting bloopers, a foreword by the author, the extra 2 story arcs fom the first book, and even some real drawings I did with real pencils, including a full-color cover, and six pages featuring detailed pencil art of Abby, Norma, Hans, Ron and the costumes they wore for Halloween in 2009. (You can cut them out and use them as paper dolls if you want!)
So, happy 1000th strip, everyone, and enjoy.
TEXT OF COMIC:
Well, according to Norma's dumb equation 67 strips ago, THIS is the real thousandth strip of this comic. Happy times. Have some ice cream.
Think of it! A thousand! If each strip were printed on a sheet of paper massing one gram, we'd be a kilogram! If each strip were resized to one kilobyte, we'd be a megabyte!
You mean, if we had 24 more strips.
Whatever! If each strip were beautiful enough to launch one ship, we'd be Helen of Troy! How can you not be excited?
How do YOU feel when you're reminded that you're a fictional character?
I gloat about being immortal.
Comic #1068
October 6 2011
MOUSEOVER TEXT: According to Wikipedia, no one knows where the phrase 'spare ribs' came from.
I didn't know whether to mention the first rib, because I've heard conflicting stories on whether 1 is considered prime. My grade school math teacher told us it was neither prime nor composite. I don't see why it wouldn't be prime, though. It's divisible only by 1 and itself, it's just that 1 is itself.
TEXT OF COMIC:
Why are spare ribs "spare"?
Huh? Why does that matter to you? You don't even eat meat.
I care about words. Where did the word "spare rib" come from? Are they ribs taken from the animal without killing it, because the animal can live just fine without them?
Who the heck knows. Maybe they're the pig equivalent of the extra rib that Adam could spare to make Eve.
So pigs still have that rib? God didn't make girl pigs the same way he made girl humans? Horrors. No wonder pigs are unclean.
Heh. Apparently there's actually some dumb urban legend that men have fewer ribs than women because of how the Bible says Eve was made. It's total bull. Men and women both have twelve sets of ribs.
I like that number. Very composite. Easy to share, if you're eating ribs.
Assuming you're eating a human, or assuming pigs and cows have the same number of ribs as people.
I'm assuming "prime ribs" are select cuts of the second, third, fifth, seventh and eleventh ribs.
I'm assuming you want me to break all those ribs on you.
Comic #1069
October 7 2011
MOUSEOVER TEXT: at the zoo they can criticize the hippos
Corollary to comic #322.
TEXT OF COMIC:
Want to go to the zoo today?
I'm busy. There's a test tomorrow.
You've been saying you want to go to the zoo since last month! And now that I'm totally ready to go, you'd rather study. What a hypocrite.
No, you're a hypocrite! You've been refusing to go to the zoo with me since last month, and now that I'm busy and can't, you suddenly want to go!
You don't get to say that. I said the "you're a hypocrite" line first, which means I win. In every argument, each side has some grounds to call the other a hypocrite, and the winner is the person who says it first.
Heck no. The one who says it second wins, because then I get to accuse you of DOUBLE hypocrisy because you called me a hypocrite when YOU'RE a hypocrite!
Whatever.
Comic #1070
October 10 2011
MOUSEOVER TEXT: Happy coming-out day to those who celebrate it (people coming out, I guess).
Alternate ending: Abby goes wild with excitement. "OMG, Mom, you're SANTA CLAUS? Can I see all the reindeer? Can I have a ride in the sleigh? Wow this is better than when May Parker found out her dad was Spider-Man!" and her mom just sits there looking blank.
TEXT OF COMIC:
Abby, since it's October, and Christmas is coming up, and everything, I've been thinking about... our bond as mother and daughter, and honesty within our family.
Oh really.
I... there's something about myself I never told you, something I've hidden from you ever since you were a kid, and I think you have a right to know.
Huh?
Remember how every Christmas when you were little, I told you Santa Claus filled your stocking? Well, by "Santa Claus"... I actually meant me.
Abby? Please tell me you forgive me.
I learned all this on the street, years ago! We were supposed to have this talk when I was twelve!
COMING OUT OF THE SANTA CLAUSET: THE LONGER YOU LIVE A LIE, THE WORSE IT GETS.
HAPPY OCT 10!
Comic #1071
October 11 2011
MOUSEOVER TEXT: Abby's weird brain makes words into word bran cereal.
Actually, vowels and consonants are a better analogy to the Seven Bridges topology problem, with vowels representing bridges and consonants representing the vertices where they connect.
TEXT OF COMIC:
I met a lady with a really weird accent today. She pronounced "paper" like "piper."
Well, topologically those words are the same.
Topologically?
If vowels are treated like the overall shape of a figure, and consonants are treated like the presence or absence of holes.
You... You just made a connection between word pronunciation and that geometrical thing where a coffee cup is the same shape as a doughnut.
Somehow those concepts have always seemed like kind of the same idea to me.
You have a weird brain.
Topologically, you just said "Yay hive I word bran."
Comic #1072
October 12 2011
MOUSEOVER TEXT: they are talking about Lise Meitner.
Since my middle name is Ruth, I like to pretend that Ruthenium is named after me.
TEXT OF COMIC:
...So it wasn't until years later that they named an element after her.
Is having an element named after you a big deal?
Oh yeah. It's one of the greatest rewards a scientist can hope for.
Don't word it that way. It makes it sound really depressing.
Neils Bohr thought for years that boron was named after him, and nobody ever had the heart to tell him.
Comic #1073
October 13 2011
MOUSEOVER TEXT: the sequel accurately portrays the fact that most suicide attempts fail
This comic is so much in the style of Dinosaur Comics that he'll probably post one exactly like it before this one posts, in which case I'll have to cancel this one's posting and replace it with a stick figure drawing scrawled on Hello Kitty notebook paper.
TEXT OF COMIC:
I'm writing a sequel to "Romeo and Juliet."
How can you write a sequel to something that ended with the main characters dead?
It didn't!
In the first act of my sequel, as the grieving family stands around the two bodies, Romeo suddenly vomits and sits up. The poison he took wasn't any more effective than most suicide-by-overdose attempts.
But when he sees Juliet lying stabbed on the ground, he breaks out in sobs, grabs the dagger from her, and slits his wrists. Blood flows until he drifts out of consciousness.
Moments later, Juliet groggily comes to her senses. The dagger she used to stab herself had missed her vital organs, although it hurt enough that she passed out for a while. Waking to see Romeo in a pool of blood, she screams and ties her sash to a ceiling rafter, amid the protests of her relatives. No amount of cajoling can stop her from hanging herself.
But Romeo, in slashing his wrists, didn't cut deep enough. He never managed to lose enough blood to die, so gradually he comes back to consciousness. And when he sees Juliet hanging from the ceiling, he smothers himself with a cushion.
But Juliet only strangled herself long enough to faint, and the sash tears and lets her fall before she can die. Seeing Romeo--
Stop. Stop! You're making it ridiculous!
I'm making it multiple times more tragic! One mistaken assumption that someone's dead makes a sad story, but my sequel will multiply that sadness by at least twenty! Audiences will be rolling in the aisles SOBBING.
No. Every repetition makes it 50% less sad and 60% more silly. And all the resurrective power of your narrative will accomplish nothing except to make Shakespeare come staggering out of his grave to chew you out for it.
Have you considered that that may have been my plan all along?
This is why sequels are never as good as the original.
Comic #1074
October 14 2011
MOUSEOVER TEXT: and we certainly wouldn't care about them
Abby is still vehemently against human reproduction, but she's realizing that not all her arguments against it work very well.
TEXT OF COMIC:
I'm sick of how so much money and effort is put into addressing the world's great problems, and yet NOTHING is being done to tackle the root of all of them.
Which is?
People having freakin' babies! Virtually every problem in the world could be solved-- or at least reduced-- by having fewer humans.
Really.
War? Fewer people means comparatively more land and resources, so less reason to fight over them. Hunger? Fewer people need less food. The energy crisis? Fuel goes farther when there are fewer people to use it.
Poverty? With fewer people there's more wealth to go around. Pollution? Duh-- humans are what pollute. See what I mean?
What about sickness?
Fewer people means less need for medicine and health care, so there would be enough for everyone.
Except fewer people also means fewer doctors, and fewer people making and distributing medicines.
Well, okay, so that's one exception. But even that problem wouldn't exist if there were NO people.
Few of the problems we care about would.
Comic #1075
October 17 2011
MOUSEOVER TEXT: brilliant people are always reliable when they tell you they're brilliant
Shel Silverstein wrote A Boy Named Sue. I don't think he lived to see any fanfiction of it. Come to think of it, I'm not sure I will.
TEXT OF COMIC:
This is my book of brilliant ideas I've thought up.
Brilliant?
By my standards. And I'm more brilliant than you, so I should know.
Let me see.
Hey.
"Alternate universe fanfiction of 'A Boy Named Sue,' where instead of becoming a tough guy, the narrator becomes a lawyer, and decides to SUE his dad."
That's-- not one of the best parts of the book.
I shudder to think what the best parts are like.
Comic #1076
October 18 2011
MOUSEOVER TEXT: Docs diagnose mime. Song aids C.O.D.
Abby's notebook of brilliant ideas is based on my notebook of Abby and Norma ideas that I can't find a way to work into a strip.
TEXT OF COMIC:
"Anime and Eddie Mac."
Okay, you can stop reading my notebook of brilliant ideas now.
"If mouth-to-mouth resuscitation is the Kiss of Life, is the Heimlich maneuver the Hug of Life?"
At LEAST don't read every single one aloud.
"s diagnose mime; song aids"? What does that mean?
It's an unfinished palindrome.
Dogs diagnose mime. Song aids God.
I thought of that already. But I was hoping I would someday think of one that made it make sense.
You have unusually high hopes sometimes.
Comic #1077
October 19 2011
MOUSEOVER TEXT: she blinded me with literalist science
If that's Norma's idea of compromising, I don't want to see her idea of winning the argument.
TEXT OF COMIC:
Your arrogance about the brilliance of your ideas is just adorable.
I hope that's a compliment.
I bet you're still all self-satisfied about your theory that a turd was the first man-made object to break the speed of sound, just because it was--
Because it was on a planet which is moving faster than the speed of sound, and because it was the first man-made object ever. Yes, I'm satisfied about that discovery. I should be.
But I'm not even that sure a turd WAS the first man-made object ever.
You are seriously questioning whether humans made turds before we made tools?
Look, let's assume, for the sake of an argument, that you could define the exact generation when our ape-like ancestors reached a point when they could be considered human.
Yeah?
Well, it's quite possible they were making tools BEFORE that point.
Yeah, but those weren't man-made tools, because the creatures that made them weren't men.
But imagine the very first actual man. How can you be sure whether he made turds or tools first?
Um, have you ever met any babies?
What you're forgetting is that a "man" isn't just a human, or a male human. It's an ADULT male human. I'm sure the first male human crapped a lot as a baby. The question is, did he make any tools between the time he became a man and the time he did his first #2 as a man?
Argh! Way to blind me with literalism. Okay, what legal age of adulthood are we going with? 18? 21? The first time he dragged a woman into a cave?
Let's compromise and say that he became a man when he made his first tool.
By that definition most people are still babies.
Comic #1078
October 20 2011
MOUSEOVER TEXT: Uh oh.
Another ridiculous story arc begins here.
TEXT OF COMIC:
Abby, it seems that the next-door neighbors to Cathy's dorm complained so much about loud parties that we've had to remove her from that room.
Sucks to be the hall director, huh? So what does that have to do with me?
Since you're one of the few students who don't have roommates, we're going to have to let Cathy use the extra space in your dorm until we find a new living arrangement for her.
What? I was promised a single dorm! If Cathy moves in, it won't be single any more!
It'll be overwhelmingly multiple, with all her boyfriends and party guests. I won't survive.
It'll be only a few days.
Need I remind you that the main reason the special ed department guaranteed me a single room is that I'm impossible to live with?
Then you and Cathy will be perfect for each other.
Comic #1079
October 21 2011
MOUSEOVER TEXT: how about a troop of cheerleaders?
The Wikipedia page on being hanged, drawn and quartered is the stuff of nightmares. Abby is scaring me here.
TEXT OF COMIC:
I can't believe you're moving Cathy into my dorm.
You were the only option. I promise we'll move her out as soon as we find a new room for her.
Doesn't this violate the third amendment or something?
The third amendment says you don't have to quarter troops in your home. It says nothing about cheerleaders.
If you put her in my dorm, I will DRAW and quarter her.
It's only for a few days.
Comic #1080
October 24 2011
MOUSEOVER TEXT: I guess this is what she meant by drawn and quartered.
More from the Cathy Dictionary in strip 317.
TEXT OF COMIC:
I love how you've decorated the place. All the crude and unflattering drawings of me on the walls were a nice touch.
What can I say, I'm an artist at heart.
Well, we'll have to redecorate for the Halloween party, anyway.
What? You don't get to have a Halloween party in my dorm! I know your parties. Everyone will be drunk, and loud, and messy!
Um, you kind of just stated the definition of a party.
The Cathy dictionary is a very sad book to read.
Comic #1081
October 25 2011
MOUSEOVER TEXT: a twist of orange
This happened to me once, when I moved into a dorm that had been previously occupied by some heavily-drinking students, without the refrigerator being adjusted before my arrival. Cutting yourself on orange juice is funny to talk about, but not so funny when it happens.
TEXT OF COMIC:
Owww!
What?
I poured myself a glass of orange juice, and there was a flake of ice in it that cut my mouth when I tried to drink it! I'm freaking bleeding!
Wow, you're stupid. You don't keep orange juice in a refrigerator that's set at the proper temperature for alcoholic beverages.
You changed the temperature on the fridge?
I had to. How else are the three cases of beer for the Halloween party going to stay cold enough?
You are the most twisted person I know!
I'm not the one who managed to injure herself on a glass of juice, am I?
Comic #1082
October 26 2011
MOUSEOVER TEXT: Hot.
To Cathy, Abby is like a dog: a somewhat disturbing witness to one's lovemaking, but not enough reason to actually stop.
TEXT OF COMIC:
(Abby in bed, tossing and turning)
(heart, kiss kiss, mmm)
I know why they're called roommates now. They're always mating in your room.
Tone it down, Abby, you're making my boyfriend uncomfortable.
Comic #1083
October 27 2011
MOUSEOVER TEXT: To be continued.
As a kid, I was confused when characters in movies would say that and then go ahead as if there were no one there. But I guess, if you can never see whether there's a ghost or not, you kind of have to take the chance and go ahead anyway, or else you're stuck hiding forever.
TEXT OF COMIC:
Hold on, Sharon, I've got to check first to make sure Cathy's not here. She'd be a really bad influence on you.
Man, visiting you got a lot more complicated since Cathy moved into your dorm.
Yeah, but if she's here, we can just go to the park or something... OK, looks as if the coast is clear.
Huh. How will we know if it's safe, then?
I said the coast is clear. That means she's gone.
Oh, the COAST. I always thought that saying was "the ghost is clear."
I thought it meant that you can never really know whether there's someone there, because there might be a totally transparent and invisible ghost waiting to kill you.
That was completely-- Oh. Wow. You just gave me an idea.
Comic #1084
October 28 2011
MOUSEOVER TEXT: And being done, thus Wall away doth go.
Halloween costumes in the style of Liu Bolin. Charming.
TEXT OF COMIC:
Abby, are you home? You'd better not be, because my boyfriend will be here in a minute.
Nobody is here.
What?
Nobody except us. We have come back to haunt you.
What? This is seriously not funny. Where are you? I seriously can't see you. Come out and stop messing with me.
You killed us with flakes of orange juice ice in the throat. I was going to be your roommate for a few days, but now I will be your roommate FOREVER.
And I am a small child that will cry at your bedside for as long as you live. You shall suffer for killing me.
Stop this! Stop! Where are you? Why can't I see you?
You do not need to see us. You must only hear us, moaning and sobbing all night long.
THIS IS FREAKIN' WEIRD AND I CAN'T HANDLE WEIRD!
Awesome, she's gone. We can take the paint off now.
I've never dressed up as a wall for Halloween before.
Comic #1085
October 31 2011
MOUSEOVER TEXT: It's like talking to a wall.
Said the girl in the "sexy octopus" costume.
TEXT OF COMIC:
What happened to Cathy, anyway?
She figured out her own living arrangement.
That sounds more resourceful than Cathy usually is.
She did it in a Cathy sort of way. She dumped her boyfriend, found a guy who had a house, seduced him, and moved in.
So we have Halloween to ourselves.
Cheers!
Can you guys stand in front of the door or something? Your costumes are seriously creeping me out.
Comic #1086
November 1 2011
MOUSEOVER TEXT: cinderella and the glass supper
There was one nature website I used to visit where images said "click to enlarge" next to them, and it was in a font where the c and l ran very close together, and... yeah.
TEXT OF COMIC:
You want to go to Dairy Queen and get a Blizzard?
Ugh, no. Those things make me think of carrion.
Why in the world is that?
I think it's because of the way they print it in their ads. The L and I run together so it looks like "Buzzard."
And that stops you from wanting to eat them? Lord. You're probably the most neurotic person I know.
Flick you.
Comic #1087
November 2 2011
MOUSEOVER TEXT: still a-lye-ve
Norma knows Abby too well.
TEXT OF COMIC:
Did you know that people used to call a bar of soap a "cake of soap"?
Don't.
Do you know what that means?
Don't make that joke.
The cake is a lye!
Argh, you made it.
Comic #1088
November 3 2011
MOUSEOVER TEXT: believing in an afterlife teaches kids to trivialize death
She also wants you not to be able to read a book over again or watch a movie over again if a character dies.
TEXT OF COMIC:
Mom complains about how video games teach kids to trivialize death, because you get multiple lives.
So she thinks video games should make you start from the last save point every time you die?
No, that's still like having multiple lives. Maybe she wants you to have to start the whole game from the beginning when you die.
But that's still not like real life. You can't start your life over from the beginning. I guess she wants a video game that automatically erases itself when your character dies.
But even then, you could go buy a new one. To make a video game that gave kids an accurate idea of death, you'd have to die IN REAL LIFE when you die in the game.
Pretty sure your mom would have a problem with that too.
Comic #1089
November 4 2011
MOUSEOVER TEXT: Bennett and Cameron don't follow the pattern, though.
If it's this picture, there's not much uncertainty.
TEXT OF COMIC:
Guess who this is a picture of!
It's--
I'll give you a hint: she has a nature-related, two-syllable first name ending in "er," and a one-syllable, meaningless-sounding last name.
Come on, that was a pretty detailed hint. This shouldn't be very hard to get.
Except that you deliberately gave me details that apply to either Summer Glau or River Tam.
Don't tell me that you can't tell from the picture whether she's in character or not.
Comic #1090
November 7 2011
MOUSEOVER TEXT: or you could be killed by a zodiac sign
Yes, everyone, this is an homage to the second volume of Machine of Death, which will be coming out in... well, some number of months. I am looking forward to it greatly.
And you know the biggest reason I am looking forward to it?
It will contain a story called "FURNACE"-- a tender tale of sex and archaeology in the distant future.
I know that because I wrote it, and I just got the acceptance letter.
I was so happy I had to make a comic to celebrate, even though I had to rename and rearrange some of my files to get it to post on the right day.
TEXT OF COMIC:
Suppose you had some magical way to predict how people would die. How long would it take to find out how accurate it was?
Hmm. Are we talking about a method that yields a detailed description of a person's predicted death?
No, I was thinking of something that produces very short predictions-- sometimes just one word.
Like "CANCER"?
Yeah. But suppose it's not always straightforward. If your prediction says "CANCER", you might get cancer and die, or you might get murdered by some guy who went over the edge when he found out HE had cancer.
Or, for that matter, you might die in an accident at work-- on a day when you weren't supposed to be there but you filled in for a coworker who had to go visit his grandmother who had cancer. Trouble is, no matter HOW you died, it would be somehow connected to the prediction that was made for you, just because everything in the universe is connected somehow. There is no way you COULD define how accurate it was. It would be just as accurate even if the predictions were pulled out of a hat.
But it would still be really really REALLY cool.
If you feel that way, I guess I'll give you a random word generator for Christmas.
Comic #1091
November 8 2011
MOUSEOVER TEXT: You could also think of 'nothing' as meaning 'anything' in some dialects of English.
Thinking about language gets a lot weirder when you realize that ideas are not made of words, they're just ideas, and different languages have different ways of putting them into words. A Spanish phrase isn't "the Spanish way of saying [an English phrase]," it's "the Spanish way of saying the idea that English-speakers put into words as [an English phrase]."
TEXT OF COMIC:
In Spanish, double negatives are grammatically correct.
In English, if you say "I don't have nothing" and you mean "I don't have anything," you're making an error. But in Spanish, the accepted way to say "I don't have anything" is "Yo no tengo nada." The words "no" and "nada" are both negative, but they make an extra-strong negative together.
That's so wrong. It doesn't make sense.
I'm sure there are things about English that don't make sense to speakers of other languages.
But using a double negative as a negative goes against basic logic. It transcends language. No matter what language you speak, if you actually think hard about it, you'll realize it's wrong. Logically, one negative negates the other, and turns it into an affirmative.
Well, if it bothers you so much, you can think of "nada" as a word that means "nothing" in some contexts, and "anything" in others.
That... wow, that actually makes sense. That IS how it's translated into English.
Welcome to the slippery joys of word definitions.
Comic #1092
November 9 2011
MOUSEOVER TEXT: if you had to choose either a 'had to choose' scenario or having only one option, what would you choose?
Yup, this is what I'm passing off as a comic today: an analysis of a minor scene in "The Other Guys" from a sexual-assault-awareness perspective. I guess this strip isn't really funny. Like the Ig Nobels, I like my comics to "make you laugh and then make you think," but sometimes the thinking is more prevalent than the laughing.
And "The Other Guys" is the weirdest, most random freakin' movie I know, unless you count ones that I found on albinoblacksheep.
TEXT OF COMIC:
I was just watching this really weird, random movie. There's one scene where people are basically making up the saddest songs they can think of, and singing them.
One song has a verse where a guy suffers all sorts of misfortunes, and then some horrible villains have their way with his wife, and then at the end of the verse they add "It was consensual," as if that made it extra-worse... though I don't know why it would.
Well, the guy might consider it worse because it means his wife is deliberately betraying him.
Really? How horrible would a guy have to be, if he'd rather see his wife get violated than consensually cheat on him? And I'm sure no woman would rather be raped than cheat consensually.
Huh, I guess. If I were married, I'd hate to sleep with someone else in any way, but I guess if I absolutely HAD to choose, I'd rather do it consensually.
But then, if I were being forced to choose, it wouldn't really be consensual.
This is why I hate "if you had to choose" scenarios. Half the time it ends in a paradox.
Comic #1093
November 10 2011
MOUSEOVER TEXT: Quesada seems to mean 'cheesed'
The ending "on" is the opposite of a diminutive in Spanish: it means "big." There's a character in a Spanish children's book named "Orejones" ("Orejas" means "ears," "Orejones" means "big ears"). When I learned this, I immediately started being confused and irritated by the contradiction in the words "rata" (rat) and "raton" (mouse).
More fun with diminutives and "on" endings: "Calzones" means either stockings or a burrito-like Mexican food. "Calzoncillos" means underpants. Go figure.
TEXT OF COMIC:
When I was taking my first Spanish course, I got really confused by some words with diminutive endings.
I couldn't understand the word "quesadilla," because it sounded like a diminutive, but it didn't appear to be one. If it were, the big one would be called a "quesada." Which, oddly enough, was the last name of the president of Mexico at the time.
Wait, wasn't the president of Mexico named Vicente Fox?
Yeah-- Vicente Fox Quesada. In Mexico, it's the custom to have both your father's and your mother's family names. The mother's name goes last, but the father's name is generally used as your surname.
So "quesadilla" is the diminutive of Vicente Fox Quesada, because he's... a big cheese?
I guess.
Comic #1094
November 11 2011
MOUSEOVER TEXT: Survey: do any of you actually have nosebleeds when aroused?
I've always been amused by the close-up scenes of a character's eye where the iris and pupil suddenly shrink. It's an exaggeration of a freakin' optical illusion-- the way your irises appear smaller when there's more visible white around them.
Or maybe anime characters are all space aliens who can dilate both the pupil and the iris. Who knows.
TEXT OF COMIC:
Why do people's eyes in anime always get all shiny when they're feeling some strong emotion, and get all dull when they're apathetic and listless?
Well, two reasons. One, tears are more likely with strong emotion, and tears are shiny.
Two, if you're apathetic, your eyes are more likely to be half-closed, and the part of your eyeball that catches the light is mostly covered up. When you're having any strong feeling, your eyes are likely to be wider.
Wonder why that is.
Um, why do you think? In any situation where you're getting emotional, there's probably something in your vicinity that you need to keep a close eye on. A lover, or an enemy, or a dying friend, or a predator trying to eat you.
Which might explain the tears too-- if your eyes are wide open to watch your emotion-inducing surroundings, they need to be hydrated more.
So anime artists are evolutionary biologists.
Just exaggerating what they see in life.
Comic #1095
November 14 2011
MOUSEOVER TEXT: poor Norma is resigned to her fate
I was rather baffled when I discovered that some people have vehement objections to anyone using a public toilet as anything other than a urinal. Maybe I've gotten used to having digestive upset more often than the average person (it's fairly common among autistics)... but I still maintain that a toilet is made for two purposes, no matter who you are.
TEXT OF COMIC:
Okay, so I was in the ladies' room, and one of the stalls smelled like crap, because, well, it's a bathroom, and people crap in it.
Sounds like a wonderful story. I know I can't stop you from continuing, so please go ahead.
And some woman comes into the bathroom and yells: "Ewww! Seriously, who takes a poo in a public toilet?"
What did she mean, who? Anyone who is in public and has to take a poo, that's who! Is she aware that the alternative is taking a poo in public somewhere OTHER than the toilet?
I dunno. Some people think you should just hold it until you get home.
Um, people who think everyone can do that-- are either anorexics who don't know what it's like to actually have extra food in your system-- or really fat people who don't know what it's like to have a body that actually gets rid of extra food.
And those categories encompass most of the population.
This world is a crappy place.
Comic #1096
November 15 2011
MOUSEOVER TEXT: Racism is good for the species! It stops racism!
I consider apes people, but that's just me.
TEXT OF COMIC:
If we met aliens, would we start calling them people?
Huh?
I'm sure we wouldn't call them humans, but I guess we would probably call them people, if they were as intelligent as us. It's weird that we have an idea of what other types of beings the word "people" might encompass, even though we've never met any besides our own species.
I think that's because we have the experience of meeting so many other races and cultures on our own planet.
When settlers from Europe first came to places like Africa and America, they weren't very familiar with any people except the ones who looked like them. To them, the word "people" meant white Europeans, because many of them weren't aware of any other kinds.
It took them a while to decide whether their definition of the word "people" could include the natives of the countries they were settling, who were an unfamiliar category they didn't have a word for yet.
Yeah, and the natives had the same issue, I guess. A lot of indigenous cultures use a word meaning "people" to describe their own race and no one else.
Whenever we find something new, we have to decide whether the words we have can apply to it, or whether we have to make up a new word.
I guess, after years of experience taught us that different cultures of humans are similar enough that they can all be called by the same word, we've finally reached a point where we would apply the same word to intelligent extraterrestrials, too.
So our years of intra-planetary strife have prepared us to be nice in interplanetary relations.
Let's hope the first aliens we meet have lived through a similar past.
Comic #1097
November 16 2011
MOUSEOVER TEXT: The Wikipedia article on cousins is fascinating reading, if you like genetics.
This is one case where your sibling-in-law is both your spouse's sibling AND your sibling's spouse.
TEXT OF COMIC:
What's a double cousin?
Okay, suppose your mom meets your dad. And they fall in love, and it gets serious. And eventually, each one meets the other's family, and then their families meet each other.
Yeah?
And your mom's brother meets your dad's sister, and they hit it off, and since their families have already met each other, it's all smooth sailing for them. And THEY fall in love and get serious.
That didn't happen in my family.
AND, then your mom and your dad decide to have a baby together, and you get born. And then your mom's brother and dad's sister feel like THEY have to get in on all the baby-making action, and your double cousin gets born.
Okay, that was a very roundabout way of explaining it.
And your double cousin, genetically, is as close to you as a half-sibling. So, logically, states that allow first cousins to marry should either NOT allow you to marry him, or ALLOW you to marry your half-sibling. But mostly they don't, because they're stupid and illogical, 'cause why else would they allow cousins to marry?
I asked for a word definition, not a rambly rant.
Comic #1098
November 17 2011
MOUSEOVER TEXT: somehow Abby knew from Norma's pronunciation how to spell it
My spellchecker dictionary actually contains the word "candiru." Which is rather bizarre, considering that it lacks the words "piercings," "poo," "Asperger" and "in utero."
And just so you know, the candiru can't swim up the urine stream to a person peeing into a river. For some reason, the myth that it can is still very widespread. I think skeptical people look up the candiru, find that it actually exists and it actually is a urethra parasite, and jump to the conclusion that everything they heard about it is true.
TEXT OF COMIC:
What are you doing on your computer?
Designing my latest invention. A big piece of candy in the shape of a kangaroo!
People will love it. It's not a KANGAroo, it's a CANDYroo!
If you call it that, I don't think it'll sell.
Why wouldn't it?
Look up "candiru."
AAAAAAA!
Comic #1099
November 18 2011
MOUSEOVER TEXT: hardcore punk vulcan
This idea came to me in a dream just before I woke up this morning. It's almost enough to make me want to get my ears pierced.
TEXT OF COMIC:
The other day I noticed someone with two piercings in the top of his ear, and a bar going between them with a ball on each end.
This morning I noticed that if I squeeze the top of my ear, I can make it look pointy.
Which leads me to my newest invention...
POINTY PIERCINGS
Comic #1100
November 21 2011
MOUSEOVER TEXT: if I were using binary this would be comic #12
Abby's mom doesn't think Abby has superpowers, but she finds it hard to live up to her mom's expectations anyway.
TEXT OF COMIC:
When other people say mean things to me, my mom says, "Ignore them. Sticks and stones can break your bones, but words can never hurt you."
But when I say mean things to other people, my mom says, "Don't make hurtful comments like that. If you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all."
Evidently my mom thinks that I can inflict injury with words, but other people can't. She believes I am the only person in the world with that ability.
It's tough to live up to your parents' expectations when they think you have superpowers.
Comic #1101
November 22 2011
MOUSEOVER TEXT: the once and future explanation
Only problem with Abby's hypothesis is that, presumably, she answered each of his questions twice: once before he asked them, and once after. So even if his consciousness was moving backwards through time, he had no excuse.
TEXT OF COMIC:
I just had the weirdest conversation with the boss. He must have been really distracted.
Is that so.
He was barely paying any attention to me. I had to repeat a whole bunch of things I said.
I told him I had taken a phone call from a customer who asked if we had a book she wanted. I told him that I didn't remember the customer's name, but that I had written it down on the notepad by the phone in case he wanted it.
Then he asked me what the customer's name was.
Later in the conversation, I said that I had checked the shelf and told the customer we didn't have the book yet. And right after that, he asked me if we had the book.
Well, considering how unattractive you are, you can't blame him for not giving you his full attention.
I dunno, maybe I should give him the benefit of the doubt. He might have some kind of mental problem.
Like what?
Well, maybe he's like T. H. White's Merlin, except in his case it's an intermittent condition. Usually he's fine, but during that conversation, his consciousness was moving backwards through time for a while.
And maybe that's the stupidest thing I've ever heard.
Hey, I'll believe whatever it takes to make this job more interesting.
Comic #1102
November 23 2011
MOUSEOVER TEXT: Of COURSE robot Abby will have laser cannons. Why wouldn't she?
Maybe an aesthetic appreciation for gemstones does make sense. Sometimes gemstones are actually useful. As in the use of rubies for making lasers.
Or maybe they're beautiful simply because they are shiny, and we like shiny things because light is vital to our existence. A natural law of aesthetics could be that broad. I wonder if it actually is inherent, or if it's culturally defined. Are there any cultures anywhere that find shiny jewels ugly? Maybe war-torn societies ruined by blood diamonds...
TEXT OF COMIC:
Why are gemstones pretty?
Huh?
The sense of aesthetics is supposed to be useful. Landscapes that we find beautiful are usually good fertile lands for us to live in. Animals that we find beautiful tend to be ones that won't harm us. When it comes to human appearance, the features we find attractive are usually associated with health or wealth-- good qualities in a mate.
Gemstones are associated with wealth, too.
Sure-- maybe we find them beautiful because they're valuable. But the only reason they're valuable is because we find them beautiful! Which came first?
I'm going to start wearing a diamond ring-- not to express my connection to another person, but to remind myself of how many glitches there have been in the evolution of the human mind. If I ever get my consciousness uploaded into a robot, I am going to edit myself until all my desires and preferences make sense.
Maybe you can wear rubies in your laser cannons.
Comic #1103
November 24 2011
MOUSEOVER TEXT: I give thanks to all of you for reading my comic.
I've heard that Erntedankfest isn't celebrated as much in Germany anymore, because it's become associated with Hitler, who was a big fan of it. (There, I've Godwined Thanksgiving, and you can never enjoy it again.)
TEXT OF COMIC:
Hmm, it's 1:01 AM on the fourth Thursday of the month. I guess I'll go put up a post on my blog, saying "Happy Thanksgiving to those of you in the US."
Why only those in the US? Other countries celebrate Thanksgiving too.
They do?
Sure. In Germany it's called "Erntedankfest," or "harvest thanks festival." In Britain it's "Harvest Thanksgiving," or "Harvest Home," and is celebrated on the Sunday nearest to the Harvest Moon. In Canada it's still called Thanksgiving, but it's in October.
Doesn't seem like the same thing to me. If it isn't on the same day, is it still the same holiday? Or is it just some other harvest festival?
It's the same idea. Expressing gratefulness for having food. Or do YOU celebrate pilgrims taking advantage of natives?
Well, I'm at least going to make separate blog posts for the countries that celebrate it on different days.
Have fun with that.
Comic #1104
November 25 2011
MOUSEOVER TEXT: which came first, the food or the flag?
Abby's appetite is worthy of a great Italian chef.
TEXT OF COMIC:
I went out to that new Italian restaurant by the bookstore last night.
Cool; I've heard good things about that place. What did you have?
Spaghetti with tomato sauce, ravioli with pesto, fettuccine Alfredo, and salad with tomatoes and ricotta cheese.
Have you noticed that all Italian food is the same three colors as the Italian flag?
I guess their food is a great source of patriotism for them.
Comic #1105
November 28 2011
MOUSEOVER TEXT: probably it just goes by the assumption that they died at exactly the same time
I realize I'm taking a risk by writing this so far in advance-- Koko's getting pretty old, and this comic might look tasteless if it posts right after she dies. But please believe me that I am a huge fan of hers too, and did not mean it as an insult by any means.
UPDATE (ADDED IN APRIL 2022): Well... if I HAD successfully posted this comic when I meant to, I would've been more-or-less OK on that front. BUT, somehow I forgot to post the comic and also forgot to even MAKE it, and did not realize this until just now!
All I have is the text, which I'm finally putting up today. So... even though Koko lived for 7 more years after this comic was supposed to go up... circumstances seem to have aligned so that I still end up tastelessly posting it after her death.
Sucks to be me.
TEXT OF COMIC:
Okay, I've got a weird legal puzzle for you. Suppose I was married.
To whom?
It doesn't matter. Suppose--
I think it matters who you're married to.
Not for this. Besides, I don't know who I would marry anyway.
Just pick someone.
Okay. Koko the gorilla.
What? Why her?
Why not? I'm a big fan of hers. Okay, now, imagine--
I don't think that would be legal.
FINE, let's just assume that by the time I get married, our state has legalized both homosexual and hetero-species marriages. Okay, now suppose I write a will.
Okay.
And my will says that when I die, everything I own goes to Koko, unless she's dead by that time, in which case it all goes to charity.
And Koko doesn't have a will. And then we get in a car crash together, and we both die.
Who gets all my stuff?
Well, If Koko died first, your stuff goes straight to charity. If you died first, your stuff goes to Koko, and she doesn't have a will, so it goes to her next of kin. And since you, as her wife, are dead, her next of kin is the gorilla most closely related to her. I guess the executor of your will would have to prove which of you died first in the car crash.
Maybe if I reach clinical death first, but then get revived, but then die again after Koko dies, my stuff goes to her and then back to me and then to charity.
Maybe you spend too much of your time imagining weird scenarios.
Comic #1106
November 29 2011
MOUSEOVER TEXT: not a very good inVESTment
I don't think Abby would be any more enthusiastic about buying vests if they were "vests" by the British definition.
TEXT OF COMIC:
That one store downtown has a sale on vests.
Vests? Like, winter vests?
Yup. Down-filled ones, if I remember correctly.
By a vest, you mean "a sleeveless jacket," correct?
Yes.
"A piece of clothing intended to keep you warm, but covering only the part of your body least likely to get cold"?
Umm...
"A jacket that defeats the purpose of a jacket"?
"A garment as useless as a diaper with a cut-away crotch"?
WhatEVER. Normal people are happy to take advantage of a sale, even if it's on something they don't want.
I'M NOT NORMAL.
Comic #1107
November 30 2011
MOUSEOVER TEXT: man I love setting up dirty jokes and then NOT making them
.-.-..-- .---.-.- .---..-. .---.... .---..-. .--.-..- .---..-- .--..-.- ..-.---.
TEXT OF COMIC:
Have you ever been out on a snowy day where half the snowflakes were thin little rods, and the other half were tiny little round balls?
Maybe. I never pay that much attention to snow.
It's like a blizzard of dots and dashes. If you watch long enough, you could see an SOS spelled out on your coat.
How do you know they aren't 1's and 0's?
Wow, I never thought of that.
This is why humanity has trouble understanding nature's messages to us-- we can't figure out if it's using Morse Code or binary.
Comic #1108
Dec 1 2011
MOUSEOVER TEXT: This is the beginning of a story arc. WITH REAL DRAWINGS.
New Year's Day has the same problem: it's arbitrarily chosen, and nothing is actually special about that day. Sometimes I find myself wanting to celebrate solstices...
TEXT OF COMIC:
When you're a kid, you get these conflicting messages that Christmas is about Santa Claus, and that it's about Jesus being born. Then when you grow up, you learn that there's no Santa, and Jesus wasn't born anywhere near December 25th.
So you try to console yourself by thinking, well, Christmas is about loving and giving and people being nice to each other. But it only takes one day in the mall the week before Christmas, to realize that people aren't actually nice this time of year.
So you spend your adulthood wondering what, if anything, Christmas is really about.
Looks like someone is depressed!
Wow. I guess it's about weird hallucinations. Norma, did you put something in my hot chocolate?
What?
Comic #1109
December 2 2011
MOUSEOVER TEXT: who says electrons can't look like that? have you ever SEEN one?
Yup, it's a quantiful life.
TEXT OF COMIC:
I must be having some kind of sugar-induced nightmare. You're a ball, and you're talking and floating in the air.
So I can do things that go against normal human laws of logic. You've got to open your mind to possibilities beyond what you understand.
So, what, you're God, or an angel or something?
I'm not an angel. I'm an electron.
And I'm going to show you ALL the parallel universes where you don't exist.
This is gonna be a long night.
Comic #1110
December 5 2011
MOUSEOVER TEXT: Certain subatomic particles. None of MY friends, I assure you.
If you're badly disabled enough, your parents will get you whatever you want. Even if it's a robot arm that shoots foam darts.
And Abby's "sister" seems to be quite a bit like Abby, even if she's not genetically identical.
TEXT OF COMIC:
Where are we?
This is a universe that's a lot like the one you come from. But a few decades ago, there was some diverging in the behavior of certain subatomic particles, which caused some minor differences.
Minor?
Your parents are still the people you know, and just like in your universe, they had one kid together. But they conceived that kid a month later. So instead of being you, she ended up being someone who grew from a different egg and sperm.
And that made me a cyborg?
I told you, she's not you. Genetically, she's like your sister.
She was born with no limbs and only one eye, so she got to have a lot of prostheses.
EAT POLYURETHANE, PUNY FLESHLING!
No fair. Mom never let ME have a Nerf Blaster.
Comic #1111
December 6 2011
MOUSEOVER TEXT: happy comic 1111!
Great-great-grandpa didn't mind; he preferred aliens too. They were very sexy. (At least to people who share genetic material with Abby.)
TEXT OF COMIC:
Now here's a universe where you don't exist because aliens came to Earth in the mid-1800's.
And killed all the humans?
No, they were fairly peaceful, in fact. But they were also very powerful, so humans who tried to kill them got killed in self-defense.
Needless to say, this created strong selective pressure for humans to become more open-minded and tolerant of differences.
Cool. But why...
You don't see any full-blooded humans at this point because there was so much interbreeding.
Interbreeding? Is that possible?
Yes, with the aliens' advanced genetic technology.
They also cured all disease, grew enough food for everyone in every country, and offered immortality for people who were willing to compensate by remaining childless.
Why, WHY do I not get to live here?
Because your great-great-grandma dumped your great-great-grandpa for an alien. I thought we went over this already.
Comic #1112
December 7 2011
MOUSEOVER TEXT: Our parrot can hold a spoon in his foot and eat from it.
Of course, chocolate was initially very poisonous to them, just as it is to modern birds and many modern mammals. But they loved it so much that it was not uncommon for one to sacrifice his life just to taste it. The dinosaur who managed to breed a strain of cocoa that was a healthy source of nourishment for them went down in history as one of their greatest heroes.
TEXT OF COMIC:
Okay, why don't I exist in THIS universe?
Because dinosaurs never went extinct.
Instead of dying and being replaced by mammals like you, they evolved and became technologically advanced.
But they're not humanoid.
Of course not. They're avianoid. Their vocal cords and opposable digits follow the parrot model more than the human.
Wow, neat. That's-- wait, they must be carnivores. There's no other way such a big animal could get enough calories to fly.
Actually, they get most of their calories from chocolate pastries. They learned to breed cocoa beans that were not only delicious, but also a healthy source of nourishment for them.
So you're saying that, in this best of all possible worlds, I could be a FLYING DINOSAUR eating a GIANT CHOCOLATE CAKE.
That's not you, and I never said this was the BEST of all possible worlds.
You don't need to SAY it. It freakin' speaks for ITSELF.
Comic #1113
December 8 2011
MOUSEOVER TEXT: yes, Abby just had to go there
Quantum physics works in mysterious ways, especially in Abby's imagination.
TEXT OF COMIC:
So you've basically just shown me that the three most awesome universes are the ones I don't get to be in.
Oh, calm down. You get to be in a lot of awesome universes too.
Then why didn't you show me them?
I did. I'm an electron, remember? I can take you a whole bunch of places at once. At the same time we were looking at those three universes, we were also looking at zillions of others.
So why do I only remember those ones?
Because as soon as you thought about it, you collapsed the waveform. It's not my fault you collapsed it to the ones you liked best.
Why did you show me those ones at all?
I was hoping you would show me that the universes without me are sucky, so I could start to appreciate how precious my life is. But this just makes it look as if universes without me are a lot cooler.
Oh, quit being so negative.
Said the ELECTRON.
Comic #1114
December 9 2011
MOUSEOVER TEXT: Merry Christmas. Aren't you glad I didn't post this on the actual holiday?
Holiday cheer is what I do best.
TEXT OF COMIC:
Abby?
Abby!
Whah? Where am I?
You must have been really tired. You totally zoned out there for a moment.
I... I think the universe was trying to tell me something.
And what, exactly, was the universe trying to tell you?
It's hard to be sure, exactly. The universe seems to be an incoherent lunatic.
And you just noticed that now?
Comic #1115
December 12 2011
MOUSEOVER TEXT: 'i am well' means i'm good at existing
I'm not sure how "well" came to be the adverb form of "good," though, since its original meaning is the one that's the opposite of "sick" (it's related to "heal" and "whole.") I guess if you say "I'm feeling well" it can also mean "I feel that I'm in good health."
TEXT OF COMIC:
Seriously, Abby, are you okay?
I'm feeling pretty badly.
"Badly" is the adverb form of "bad." When you say you're feeling badly, you're saying that your sense of touch doesn't work.
Okay, how about I just say that I'm not feeling very good?
Where did your grammar skills go? You should say you're not feeling WELL.
But "well" is the adverb form of "good." By your logic a moment ago, when I say I'm not feeling well, I'm still saying my sense of touch doesn't work.
Huh. That's true. And yet it's not what I was taught in school.
School is one of the things that make me feel badly.
Comic #1116
December 13 2011
MOUSEOVER TEXT: in which we live and let diiie
actually, Norma DID write the song; she's Paul McCartney's secret ghostwriter, and she will carry that knowledge to her grave.
TEXT OF COMIC:
Did you notice that verse?
What verse?
Just a moment ago. It said "this world in which we live in."
In which we live in! Two "in"s! Norma, the only reason to say "in which we live" is to AVOID ending a sentence with a preposition. If you just stick the preposition on the end anyway, you're completely defeating the purpose of wording the sentence that way!
I didn't write the song, Abby, and you can change the channel any time you like.
We need to start some kind of lyric-changing petition.
Comic #1117
December 14 2011
MOUSEOVER TEXT: something to warm up your cold winter day
I don't care about continuity, I'm changing Abby's handwriting to "Handwriting - Dakota" because I'm sick of "Chalkboard."
TEXT OF COMIC:
Hmm, you've got quite a high temperature. I think you've gotten infected with humans.
But don't worry; your body runs a fever to kill off the pathogens, so you'll be fine soon.
THAT is your report on global warming?
You're just jealous.
Comic #1118
December 15 2011
MOUSEOVER TEXT: Fruit flies in December! They must be really tough ones. But hey, it's October as I write this, and my apartment still has fruit flies.
If "nosy cook" is a Spoonerism and "papal tower" is a forkerism, then "flute fries" is a sporkerism.
TEXT OF COMIC:
Argh, fruit flies again.
Eww, that must mean there are eggs and maggots somewhere in your dorm. Probably the sink drain.
Well, maggots are pretty repulsive. But they can also be attractive.
What?
Oh, wait, that's magnets. Never mind.
You live in a bizarre little world.
Comic #1119
December 16 2011
MOUSEOVER TEXT: The word 'squick' might be one of my biggest squicks.
The problem is that other forms of awkwardness offset the smoothness Abby mentions. A straight love scene could contain the sentence, "He held her close and rested his head between her neck and shoulder while she stroked his back," but translating that line into gay would make the identities of the lovers well-nigh indecipherable.
TEXT OF COMIC:
You know, I can actually see the appeal of writing slash fanfiction.
Seriously? You're into those fan-written stories about Spock being Kirk's boyfriend, and stuff?
Not just them, but any same-sex couple. It makes the story flow so much better.
The story? Flow?
I'm talking about smooth use of pronouns. In a gay scene, you can say, "They kissed, each man pushing his tongue into the other's mouth." In a straight scene, you'd have to say, "They kissed, each PERSON pushing HIS OR HER tongue into the other's mouth." So awkward!
Great. I've found a language nerd who's so hard-core that it determines the kind of porn she likes.
Grammar errors are my biggest turnoff.
Comic #1120
December 19 2011
MOUSEOVER TEXT: I have a terrible fear of people noticing when I say angry things to myself.
Norma just wanted to make sure Abby actually admitted to stupidity, and didn't just admit to calling herself stupid. It's not often Norma gets to make Abby look inferior, and she's milking it for all it's worth.
TEXT OF COMIC:
Arrgh, you're so stupid.
Huh? Why?
Oh--Norma, I'm sorry-- I didn't even know you were there. I was talking to myself.
A likely story. I think you were griping at me for no good reason, and you just didn't think I'd hear you.
No, I really was calling myself stupid.
Really. And why would you do that?
Because I made a mistake on my--
I mean why would you TELL yourself something you already know?
Because I'm STUPID, okay?
All right, I'll buy that.
Comic #1121
December 20 2011
MOUSEOVER TEXT: Abby has too much imagination.
Anyone who uses a term like "bat-raving insane" has already gone bat-raving insane.
TEXT OF COMIC:
I am going to go bat-raving insane if I have to go into the stockroom one more time today.
Why? I thought you liked escaping from customers.
The guys who work back there insist on keeping the radio tuned to the same annoying pop station all day long. If I change it to classical music, they yell at me and change it back.
Well, tough. The radio is governed by majority vote. If most of the employees like a station, that's where it stays.
But that station plays the same song three or four times every hour!
Did you know that repetitious playing of songs is one of the CIA's "enhanced interrogation techniques," along with sleep deprivation and waterboarding? Would it be acceptable to force THOSE things on all of us, just because a bunch of very disturbed employees happened to enjoy them?
Okay, that is not the same thing at all. Even if all the guys in the stockroom enjoyed being waterboarded, I can't think of any scenario where that would cause the manager to force waterboarding on ALL of us.
That is because you have no imagination.
Comic #1122
December 21 2011
MOUSEOVER TEXT: my condition is mint. with chocolate.
I like to refer to my Asperger's as a "condition," because it's so neutral in meaning. Unlike "disability," it doesn't imply that I lack something, and unlike "difference," it doesn't focus on comparing me to other people. It just states that that's the way I am. (Of course, I have to avoid saying things like "I've had experiences that people without a condition would never have"-- because there are no "people without a condition." In those cases I use a more specific term like "mental diagnosis.")
TEXT OF COMIC:
Did you get your exams back yet?
Argh, I did SO badly on the math test. Don't you dare tell anyone.
Don't worry, I shall keep your condition private.
My condition? Well, that's insulting. You basically just told me that doing bad in math is a disease or something.
What? "Condition" doesn't mean "disease," it means "way of being." When you ask what condition someone or something is in, the answer can be anything, up to and including "perfect."
And even if it did mean "disease," being insulted by that reveals a prejudice that became obsolete hundreds of years ago-- the medieval assumption that having a disease means you are a bad person, since the world only gives us what we deserve.
Great. First you called me diseased, now you're calling me prejudiced and medieval.
Don't worry, I'll keep those conditions secret too.
Comic #1123
December 22 2011
MOUSEOVER TEXT: The Whos were singing 'The Kids are All Right'
Actually, people seem to go back to the store for Christmas decorations every year even if they still have the ones from last year. Christmas is about stuffing your home with useless decorative junk to celebrate the birthday of a guy who told people to give away everything they owned.
TEXT OF COMIC:
I think I know why the Grinch hated Christmas.
It wasn't because his shoes were too tight or his head wasn't screwed on right. I think he must have just worked in retail for a season.
That could do it.
It makes perfect sense. What he stole from the Whos and tried to dump off a cliff wasn't the essence of Christmas itself-- it was all the retail goods associated with Christmas. Those were what he hated; what reminded him of his miserable past.
And then when he heard the Whos singing, and realized that Christmas could still be enjoyed without all this material garbage, that it could still exist without putting people through the torture he had experienced in retail... then he finally began to appreciate the holiday for itself.
But then he went and gave them back all their retail goods! How does that make sense?
He figured that if he got rid of all their Christmas junk, they would all go back to the store next year.
Comic #1124
December 23 2011
MOUSEOVER TEXT: the tribble is not to scale with the enterprise
Merry day before the day before Christmas. I thought I'd use this strip to remind you once again that I don't do a crappy copy-paste comic because I can't draw, I do it because I'm lazy. And today, lazily, I felt that drawing Abby and Norma decorating a tree was easier than thinking up an appropriately witty joke.
By "today," of course, I don't mean the day this posts, I mean the day I drew it, which is a long time ago from your perspective. In fact, just because I felt like it, I've uploaded several Christmas-themed strips before uploading the strips that are supposed to post before them. As of the time I write this, nothing between the June 7th strip and the December 1st strip is even drawn yet. But they're scheduled to post in the order I want, so it won't matter what order I upload them in. Unless I die right now; then you will have gotten strips up through June 7th, and then nothing for a long time, and then a sudden Christmas surprise from the past.
But let's hope I'm not dead, because then you got fewer strips than you wanted. Enjoy your holiday weekend.
TEXT OF COMIC:
Abby and Norma wish you a happy December 23rd.
Comic #1125
December 26 2011
MOUSEOVER TEXT: are there any like Nanny McPhee?
Abby has not actually watched "The Hand that Rocks the Cradle," but she read the MAD magazine parody of it, a long time ago, and then looked it up on the internet later.
TEXT OF COMIC:
That guy in my history class is so annoying.
Which one?
The one who says there should be no legal restrictions on where you can smoke cigarettes, but says that people should get years in prison for possession of marijuana.
He also says there should be no government regulations on how badly a corporation can screw people over, and yet he also says the government should regulate what sexes can marry each other.
I guess everyone wants a nanny state, in some way or another.
But some nanny states are more like Mary Poppins, and some are more like Mrs Mott from "The Hand that Rocks the Cradle."
Comic #1126
December 27 2011
MOUSEOVER TEXT: also, kayak is a palindrome
If you live in an apartment or a dorm, an inflatable boat is pretty much the only option. Skidbladnir is mine.
My parents raised me to love human-powered vehicles--heck, they started the website Velomobiling.com. I still love 'em, aquatic or otherwise. But I've always found the acronym "HPV" amusing.
TEXT OF COMIC:
When I get really really rich, I'm totally getting a yacht. Everyone always wants to party at your place if you've got a boat.
I like boats. I've been thinking about getting an inflatable kayak for a while.
That has nothing to do with what I just said!
What? You were talking about boats.
I was talking about a yacht! And you talked about a kayak! That's like if I talked about a hot sports car and then you talked about a bicycle!
Hmm-- you're right. That's interesting. Boats are as diverse as land vehicles, and yet they are all called boats, whereas land vehicles don't have a general name. Wonder why that is.
Oh NO I just got her started on a language lecture.
And you just made me realize a kayak is a human-powered vehicle! One more reason to love them.
Comic #1127
December 28 2011
MOUSEOVER TEXT: Forget you.
Of course there will be "countless billions" of people in the future. Just add up all the generations between now and the time humans go extinct. (Of course, I'll turn out to be wrong if humans go extinct sooner than I expected. But I can still argue that the number of billions was "countless" because we were unable to count it in advance.)
TEXT OF COMIC:
How do you like the story I wrote? Is it going to go down in history as one of the world's greatest masterpieces?
No, it's terrible. It's doomed to be forgotten by the world forever.
In order for it to be forgotten by the world, the world will have to read it in the first place.
Okay, okay. It's not going to be forgotten-- it's just never going to be known, because the tiny handful of people who read it won't care enough to pass it on. None of the countless billions of people in the future will even get the chance to forget your story.
Wow! My story is UNFORGETTABLE!
If you prefer to think of it that way.
Comic #1128
December 29 2011
MOUSEOVER TEXT: Abby's $90 toy light saber couldn't have saved a hundred lives, but still maybe a few
On this issue, I think sometimes Abby is right and sometimes Norma is. When I come up with logical arguments to support my opinions, it usually feels to me as if I'm just figuring out the logical processes that my brain originally went through to form the opinions. On the other hand, some people's opinions, like the anti-gay-marriage sentiment, seem to me like rationalized gut feelings-- "I instinctively find this gross, and therefore I have to come up with a reason why it's evil." But I don't know-- maybe it feels logical to them.
TEXT OF COMIC:
I just can't come to terms with the idea that people have kids. It takes a hundred thousand dollars to raise a kid, not even including college! And that money could save hundreds of lives if you donated it to charity! When you have a kid, you're basically deciding that passing on your genes is SO FREAKIN' IMPORTANT that it's worth the DEATHS OF HUNDREDS OF PEOPLE.
Abby, you spend money on unnecessary things all the time. I think you're just rationalizing the fact that you don't like kids.
People don't think about an issue logically before forming opinions on it. They form their opinions based on gut feelings, and then they use their logic to figure out a way to rationalize what they already believe.
Actually, I think there's more to it than that. I think people's logic is always working, under the surface, and it influences their gut feelings. When they rationalize afterwards, they're just putting into words the subconscious logical process that led them to form the opinion in the first place.
You have an unrealistically charitable view of human thought.
Hey, I didn't say everyone's logical processes work WELL.
Comic #1129
December 30 2011
MOUSEOVER TEXT: nappy you here
The original song goes "The playing of the merry organ." Until a few years ago, I heard "merry organ" as "merry-o, and"... so I thought a "merry-o" was some archaic musical instrument. I guess cadence has thrown me off many times when it comes to understanding song lyrics.
And the pronunciation of "a" in Canadian English is more complicated than you might think.
Anyway, happy New Year, all. I have good news and bad news.
Unfortunately, my life is getting pretty saturated with writing projects, including a collection of short stories and a sequel to the science fiction novel Kea's Flight . This is on top of my full-time retail job. So I am reducing the number of "Abby and Norma" strips I post, as I warned earlier that I might have to do. From now on, only two strips a week. So you won't get to read as much "Abby and Norma" in the following year as you might have thought you would.
Fortunately, those strips will be scheduled to post on Saturdays and Sundays... so you'll be able to read more new "Abby and Norma" tomorrow and the next day, which I bet you didn't think you would get to do!
I'll let you know if I get to a point in life when I have the ability to go back to a daily posting schedule. Probably that'll only happen if my science fiction novel and other writing starts selling so much that I can make a living off it, and have endless free time. (A girl can dream, right?)
TEXT OF COMIC:
Before I ever heard any Canadians talk, I assumed Canadian English would sound like British English-- because it's spelled similarly, with a "u" in the word "color," and so on.
But it turns out Canadian English sounds a lot like American English. In fact, in some parts of Canada, it sounds MORE American than ours.
What's that supposed to mean?
Well, one big thing that distinguishes our English from British English is the way we pronounce a short "a." We say "fast," and in Britain they say "fahst."
Yeah?
But in certain provinces of Canada, they use the American-sounding pronunciation of the short "a" even MORE often than we do. In words like "pasta" and "drama."
Why were you thinking about all this just now?
Because you two are playing Mario. And in parts of Canada, Mario is pronounced Mary-o. I'm not even kidding.
Heh, it's our new New Year's Eve ritual. "The playing of the Mary-o, and ringing in the year!"
Yay!
Comic #1130
December 31 2011
MOUSEOVER TEXT: I obsessively email myself my txt file of planned comic dialogue
This is something I seriously worry about, being a comic artist. I've seen a couple of instances on Left Handed Toons where comments on one strip correctly predicted something about the content of the next strip, and the artists have no way of proving they didn't steal the idea from the commenter. And LHT isn't even one of the most popular comics... I can only imagine what Jeph Jacques and Ryan North go through.
TEXT OF COMIC:
You know, I don't even want to be a famous author.
I know that's not true, Abby. What are you having sour grapes about now?
If you're a famous enough author, you'll have fans sending you letters all the time.
And?
Some of the letters will be full of praise, and some will be angry rants... but others will be telling you what you should write next, or making guesses at what you're going to write next.
And with enough thousands of people sending you suggestions like that, the chances are that a few of them will hit on the thing that you actually planned to write next, anyway.
Then, when you write it, they'll sue you for taking their idea without giving them credit.
The only way you can avoid that is to change your plans based on your fan letters. If a fan mentions an idea that you were planning to use, you have to scrap that idea and come up with one that none of your fans have mentioned.
And the more fans you have, the more impossible that becomes. That's why authors get burned out after they become insanely famous. They run out of ideas because their fans have preempted every possible one.
I'm not sure that's how it happens, Abby.
If I become famous, I'm deleting all my fan mail unread. And coming up with some way I can prove in court that I did that.