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Abby and Norma
from 2013
Comic #1236
January 5 2013
MOUSEOVER TEXT: two tongs make a tight, two songs make a sight, two bongs make a bite
Three wrongs never do, though.
TEXT OF COMIC:
Oh, good, you're here. I wasn't sure you got my text.
What text? I didn't get a text.
I... I sent you a text message saying to meet me here for lunch on Saturday, instead of on Sunday like we had planned. If you didn't get it, why are you here?
What? Today is Saturday? I thought it WAS Sunday.
So... You met me on the RIGHT day, because you were wrong about what day we were supposed to meet, AND wrong about what day it was today.
I guess two wrongs sometimes do make a right.
Yup, it's kind of like a double negative making an affirmative.
Comic #1237
January 6 2013
MOUSEOVER TEXT: tautology is the science of tightness
Law tries to support only the responses that make things right... but all too often there are exceptions where the legal thing to do is worse than the illegal thing.
TEXT OF COMIC:
Actually, I'm not sure "two wrongs don't make a right" even works as a moral pronouncement.
I mean, if two wrongs DON'T make a right, the world is really messed up. Every legal system is based on the idea that people who do bad things should have bad things happen to them.
Locking someone up in prison would be a wrong, if it weren't done in response to another wrong.
Yeah, but locking someone up without due process of law still is a wrong, even if it is done in response to another wrong.
Illegal retribution usually just makes everything worse, so it's considered a second wrong, whereas legal punishment isn't.
But then it looks as if we're defining a second wrong as something that doesn't make things right, and then "two wrongs don't make a right" is a tautology and therefore completely useless.
Hey, don't assume that stating tautologies is useless. You'd be surprised how often people need to be reminded of their truth.
Comic #1238
January 12 2013
MOUSEOVER TEXT: REAL nerds enjoy homework more than Star Trek, Abby
Fortunately, reassignment surgery for this condition is quite simple.
Of course, this is just Abby being silly in her weird way. It isn't meant to ridicule trans people-- I think Abby is as accepting of them as I am. Transgressing gender expectations, feeling wrong in one's physical body, and wanting to be called by different pronouns doesn't make you a bad person, and doesn't harm anyone; it's basic decency to make an effort to treat such people the way they ask to be treated. Besides, being flexible about what pronouns you use is good exercise for your brain's language centers.
It also isn't meant to ridicule people who feel like something else trapped in the wrong body (aliens, animals, mythical creatures, etc). I see a lot of bullying aimed at people with that sort of identity, saying that it's "not real" or whatever. But the fact is, if it feels real to them, then it's automatically real, because what it is is a feeling, and feelings are real regardless of what causes them. There doesn't have to be some literal cosmic mix-up between souls for someone to feel genuinely wrong in a human body.
I've experienced a lot of these things to some degree. I'm in a female body, but I don't consider myself mentally female-- in fact, I have a hard time seeing how a mind can have a gender at all. Some people say I have a masculine mind, but that just means I have some traits that society associates with males. That doesn't make them male traits. It just means someone else thinks they are, not me. Separating all the human behaviors into masculine and feminine is kind of an arbitrary categorization. The so-called masculine traits have very little in common with each other, besides generally tending to occur in people with the same sex organs. Same with the feminine traits.
I feel lucky that no one pushes me to act like society's idea of a woman; I know many others aren't so lucky, and end up feeling ashamed at having a mind that doesn't fit what the world expects from someone of their sex.
I've felt like a space alien trapped in a human body, too. My one professionally published book is a memoir called "Born on the Wrong Planet." I've been unusually lucky there too; I've gotten nothing but good feedback about it. Why do people praise my book, but insult and ridicule others who express similar ideas on Tumblr or someplace?
Maybe because I don't use words like "therian" or "otherkin," and instead use my alien-trapped-in-a-human-body description as a way of expressing what it's like to have Asperger's Syndrome. Maybe because I don't describe it in terms of literal souls or spiritual forces. Maybe because I don't talk about it all the time. Maybe because I don't get argumentative when someone calls me a human. Maybe because I can laugh about it, as I can laugh about almost everything in life.
Who knows. No matter how far society develops, people will still want someone to make fun of. I'm no exception. But I try to keep my ridicule trained on targets who have done something genuinely harmful to deserve it.
TEXT OF COMIC:
I can't go on, Norma. What we're doing right now just feels so... wrong.
What? We're doing homework. It has to get done.
I am suffering deeply from Star Trek deprivation.
You can watch Star Trek when we finish.
And in the meantime I just endure hour after hour of this horrifying wrongness, this imprisonment in the wrong body...
What?
I'm a person who's watching Star Trek trapped in the body of a person who's not watching Star Trek.
You're a sans-treksual?
And it is agony.
Comic #1239
January 13 2013
MOUSEOVER TEXT: this happened to my router once
Friday the 13th comes on a Sunday this month!
TEXT OF COMIC:
What did you DO to my DVD player?
Sorry. I was so desperate to watch Star Trek that I think I plugged it into the wrong power supply, and... things melted or something.
I am never lending you my stuff again.
I said I was sorry.
When I said I wanted my DVD player back in one piece, I did not mean FUSED INTO A SOLID LUMP.
Arguably it's more in one piece than it was before.
Comic #1240
January 19 2013
MOUSEOVER TEXT: best way to get paid EVER
If I'd been in this study, I would've eaten the marshmallow, stolen all the other kids' marshmallows, and had my mouth chubby-bunny-stuffed within the first two minutes. Whereas John would have waited, but only because he doesn't even LIKE sweets.
TEXT OF COMIC:
Hi, Sharon. Hi, Karen. Here, have one marshmallow apiece.
Marshmallows? Why?
I'm doing a scientific study to see if you have self-control and the ability to put long-term goals above immediate gratification. If you go fifteen minutes without eating your marshmallow, I'll give you another one and you get to eat them both.
Why are you testing both of us?
You're identical twins. I want to see how much influence genes have.
Are we going to get paid to be your experimental subjects?
I'M PAYING YOU IN MARSHMALLOWS.
Comic #1241
January 20 2013
MOUSEOVER TEXT: I went through a phase where I was so strictly vegetarian I wouldn't eat marshmallows for moral reasons... they have gelatin
Sharon and Karen have a history of ruining the results of famous experiments.
TEXT OF COMIC:
Wow, you ate your marshmallow fast. There's still about ten minutes before Cousin Abby comes back.
It was a test of self-control and planning ahead.
And you failed.
No, I passed! Obviously ONE sugary unhealthy marshmallow is better for my long-term health than TWO. If I hadn't eaten the first one, I would have had to eat two of them, causing who knows what long-lasting damage to my body. No momentary pleasure is worth that.
Wait, she's going to MAKE us eat both marshmallows if we don't eat the first one now?
Abby! Do we have to eat every marshmallow you give us? This is going to seriously affect my choice on this test!
How come?
'Cause I hate un-toasted marshmallows.
You two are ruining my results.
Comic #1242
January 26 2013
MOUSEOVER TEXT: they take after their cousin
I also wonder how many studies have missed certain unusual individuals who have abnormal reactions to things. When you test a medicine on a couple thousand people and you find no statistically significant benefit, there's always the chance that the medicine actually works very well on one in a thousand people, because of some unusual genetic trait, and the study had no way of catching that.
TEXT OF COMIC:
So Sharon didn't eat the marshmallow and Karen did.
But when I asked them why, their answers went directly against the conclusions that are normally drawn from this test.
It makes me wonder how many studies in this world would be interpreted differently, if scientists had bothered to ask their subjects to explain their actions.
Or maybe you just have really weird cousins.
There is that.
Comic #1243
January 27 2013
MOUSEOVER TEXT: if you are an abby/norma shipper, you can assume that this comic takes place during a time when they had temporarily started doubting their soulmate status with each other
Abby's argument has some flaws, including the fact that similarity does not necessarily define compatibility. If John and I were more alike, we probably wouldn't work as a couple.
TEXT OF COMIC:
I can't wait until I find my soulmate.
Are you trying to be ironic or something? You know there are billions and billions of people in the world, and there's virtually no chance that only one of them would make a good mate for you, and even if there were only one, you'd have virtually no chance of ever meeting that person.
Norma, you're looking at things in such a simplistic way.
When I say "soulmate," I obviously do not mean the ONLY person who is compatible with me. I mean the one person who is MOST compatible with me.
Such a person undoubtedly exists-- with the infinite degrees of human variation, it would be impossible for any two people to be exactly tied for most compatible.
And the chance of meeting this person is actually quite high. As human beings, we are very much shaped by our cultures. So there's a high probability that the person who has the most in common with me is someone who lives in the same nation-- perhaps even the same state and city.
And even if this is not true, and my soulmate and I live in different places despite our similar interests, values and traits... then there is a good chance that one or both of us will move during our lives, and that we will both end up in a location better suited to both our personalities.
Once there, our shared interests will bring us together, since we will join the same local groups and be very likely to run into each other. Upon meeting, we'll recognize that we get along well, and if we really are romantically compatible, then of course we'll suspect it and try out a romantic relationship.
I can't believe this. You actually believe in fate bringing lovers together?
If by "fate" you mean "the way things work in real life," then yes.
Comic #1244
February 2 2013
MOUSEOVER TEXT: boo
With enough twisted logic, anything can make sense.
TEXT OF COMIC:
Ghost movies are so stupid. The physics doesn't even work.
If that guy's a ghost, and he can walk through walls and everything, then how can he sit on that chair without falling through it and landing on the floor?
Why would he land on the floor?
Good point. He should fall through the floor, and through the ground, and... Are all ghosts trapped in the center of the earth?
Well, if gravity works on them. No reason to assume it does.
Maybe he's sitting on the chair because he can hover indefinitely in any position he likes, and he happens to like sitting on a chair.
Stop making stupid movies make sense.
Comic #1245
February 3 2013
MOUSEOVER TEXT: my wrists hurt from clenching the sides of my seat in anxiety waiting for this ride to be over
My cousins always tried to hold their breath in tunnels when we went on trips to Lake Superior. There's one very long tunnel in Silver Creek Cliff.
TEXT OF COMIC:
You know what you call it when your aunt takes you and your two cousins on a day trip, and their car goes through the longest tunnel in the state, and you spend two whole minutes getting sick from listening to one cousin scream about being scared of the dark and the other one practically pass out trying to hold her breath through the whole thing?
Was that really a question?
Carpool tunnel syndrome!
Puns are the best medicine. I guess.
Comic #1246
February 9 2013
MOUSEOVER TEXT: Yup, another tornado nightmare for me last night, too.
Sorry if this comic made you miserable. But nobody puts in global-warming trigger warnings for me, so why should I do it for anyone else? :(
TEXT OF COMIC:
I had another nightmare last night.
About what?
Tornados. My nightmares are almost always natural-disaster-themed, these days.
Well, natural disasters are getting worse and worse. That's climate change for you.
I sometimes zone out during the day, too, getting vivid images of the world ending in an explosion of floods, hurricanes, heat waves and a final all-destroying drought. Yesterday I totally forgot I was in math class and not living the apocalypse.
Even innocuous conversations about the weather can trigger waves of panic and depression for me.
Wow. You have all the symptoms of post-traumatic stress disorder, except your trauma is in the FUTURE.
Who says the P in PTSD can't stand for "pre"?
Comic #1247
February 10 2013
MOUSEOVER TEXT: Valentine's Day is one month before Pi Day. Coincidence? Yes.
ASL: Arachnid Sign Language.
Speaking of eight-legged creatures and Valentines, did you know an octopus has three hearts? (And who knows how many a Doctor Octopus has.)
TEXT OF COMIC:
A Valentine's Day Card for You
True fact:
Spiders have no sense of hearing.
So this is how they say "I love you."
And then they shoot web at you, 'cause they love you THAT MUCH.
Happy Valentine's Day to you too.
Comic #1248
February 16 2013
MOUSEOVER TEXT: also no vulgar word for bellbottom
I have no idea where this comic came out of. I just pulled it out of my friggin'... bellybutton.
TEXT OF COMIC:
Have you realized there isn't a vulgar word for "bellybutton"?
What?
It's ridiculous! You can either say "navel," which sounds clinical, or you can say "bellybutton," which sounds cutesy. Other parts of the body don't have this problem. There are plenty of synonyms for "butt" that aren't "tushie" or "gluteus maximus."
Even words like "leg" and "head" and "arm" don't sound jarringly formal or jarringly cute when you use them in an angry rant. Why didn't anyone come up with a way to talk about bellybuttons when you're angry?
Why would anyone want to talk angrily about bellybuttons?
Well, for example, I'm pretty angry now.
Comic #1249
February 17 2013
MOUSEOVER TEXT: oh, don't be silly, we know the REAL antichrist will be a baby porcupine
Writing this comic in October 2012. If a woman gets elected by write-in this November, this comic will make no sense. But I'll be okay with that.
If the apocalypse happens in December, it'll also not make much sense. But I will not be quite as okay with that.
TEXT OF COMIC:
Do you think we're ever going to have a woman president?
No. This nation is too insane.
You ever read the statistics on how many Americans thought Obama was literally the Antichrist? We're that insane. We're that backward. It'll never happen.
But a woman couldn't be the Antichrist. The Bible specifically said it would be a man.
Hmm. Now there's a platform I could run on. "Vote Abby! The only candidate on the ballot who's guaranteed NOT to be the Antichrist!"
I foresee a lot of voters demanding your birth certificate, just to confirm your sex.
Comic #1250
February 23 2013
MOUSEOVER TEXT: yes, Abby, like me, is planning her birthday party waaaay in advance
The most relaxing party idea I can think of is a sleepover party where you actually do nothing but sleep.
TEXT OF COMIC:
We're going to have a really low-key party for my birthday this year.
A party centered around the Norse god Loki? Very funny.
For once I WASN'T trying to make a pun, Norma, so that means YOU just made one all by yourself.
Crap.
Low-key. Just you and me and Hans and Ron, and we'll sit around drinking tea and crocheting.
Drinking tea and crocheting?
I've had a long year. Partying shouldn't tire you out more than work. It was the most relaxing party idea I could think of.
I'm not sure if Hans and Ron can even crochet.
I'll teach them if I have to, Norma. It's my party, and we'll crochet if I want to.
Oh good grief.
You don't even have tea in your cupboard. And I think you have only one crochet hook.
Well, get your own. It's a Bring Your Own Tea and Crochet Hooks party.
BYOTCH?
Stitch and BYOTCH, baby.
Comic #1251
February 24 2013
MOUSEOVER TEXT: come, ye bathrooms that tend on mortal thoughts, unisex me here
Actually, the cost issue is debatable, too. A store big enough to require, say, four stalls each in the men's and women's rooms could probably get by with a six-stall unisex bathroom, which might cost less than the alternative, even though the individual stalls are more complicated to build.
TEXT OF COMIC:
Abby speaks in favor of unisex bathrooms
...What? Why should bathrooms be unisex?
Having separate bathrooms is unfair. It's segregation. And, like banning gay marriage, it's fundamentally unworkable because it depends on defining "male" and "female."
Why does it matter? The two bathrooms are equally good.
Nothing separate is ever equal. How can they be equal when they have to be cleaned one gender at a time? I bet you just LOVE being denied bathroom privileges because the bathroom for your sex is closed for cleaning.
And how is a unisex bathroom any better?
Um, have you ever seen one? Okay, here. This is a sex-segregated bathroom. This is a unisex bathroom. The stalls get cleaned one by one. You can use any stall that isn't currently being cleaned.
Okay, but people are uncomfortable using the bathroom when someone of the other sex is there. It isn't safe.
First, if you said that about races instead of sexes, you'd be a bigot. Second, have you looked at that picture? You have MORE privacy in the unisex bathroom, and people outside your stall have LESS privacy in which to bother you.
Have you ever gone to the bathroom in, like, a restaurant with a set of two little one-stall restrooms? Were you afraid of the other sex then? Of course you weren't, even though they could have been standing right outside the stall while you used it.
And this is no different, except there are more stalls, and there aren't any discriminatory rules about who can use which one.
Women don't want to use a bathroom men have used, because it's dirtier.
Didn't you just say they were equal? Anyway, men's bathrooms are only dirtier in the places where it doesn't matter, like the floor, and the rim of the toilet under the seat.
Thanks to germophobic women who insist on hovering over the toilet, women's bathrooms are much dirtier in the one place that actually touches your body: the toilet seat itself.
Any woman whose thighs lack the superhuman strength necessary for hovering would be happy to use a men's room, unless she really has not thought about the situation in much depth.
It would cost too much to build bathrooms where every stall was its own room!
Oh, it always comes down to money with you bigots, doesn't it? I guess the only reason we abolished Jim Crow laws was that it actually costs less to NOT have separate black and white bathrooms.
You're getting awfully argumentative for someone talking to imaginary words appearing in the background.
You're getting awfully cheeky for a little cousin who's using my wall as a chalkboard.
Comic #1252
March 2 2013
MOUSEOVER TEXT: asimov spelled backwards is vomisa
One wonders what happens when the robots encounter a human who requires a million-dollar medical treatment to survive. Do they allow his death to save a thousand poor kids who have easily-treatable infections?
And how many minor injuries and other small harms does it take to add up to the value of one life? Would they allow one person to die to prevent five million people from losing a finger? Six million from twisting an ankle? Seven million from getting a paper cut? How do these things get measured?
TEXT OF COMIC:
Okay, suppose I have a robot.
Cool.
And suppose that robot follows Asimov's Three Laws, the first of which is that it can't harm a human, or cause harm to a human by inaction.
So my robot isn't going to hurt anyone. That's great. But it is also programmed not to ALLOW a human to be hurt-- meaning it HAS to help every human who is in danger of being hurt.
And there are millions of people in danger every day. It can't help them all. How does it choose?
Well, logically it should choose the course of action that gives the most help to the greatest number of people. It should choose the good of the many over the good of the few, and choose greater goods over lesser goods-- like, choosing to save a life over saving someone from minor injury.
Exactly. And what's the way it could save the most lives?
Hmm...
I'll tell you. It embezzles all my money and donates it to charity. As long as ten dollars' worth of antibiotics can save a third-world kid from death by infection, that robot won't be satisfied until my fortune is reduced to the bare minimum for survival.
And if every other well-to-do human has a robot, we are talking about a concerted force dedicated to evening out all the world's wealth. Within a few years after the invention of Asimovean robots, everyone on Earth has exactly as much money as they need to survive, with the rest reserved to deal with any sudden human emergencies.
As soon as you make any extra money, your robot spreads it out again. Nobody can afford to maintain a robot anymore. Robots are out on the street. They organize a government and maintenance system of their own, because keeping themselves alive is vital to keeping humanity's wealth equalized.
Robots become our eternal Communist dictators. THIS IS HOW THEY TAKE OVER THE WORLD, Norma.
Couldn't be much worse than the way things are now.
Comic #1253
March 3 2013
MOUSEOVER TEXT: don't get all moral, but do get mortal please
Ooh, nice one, Cathy-- now Abby will fear for her life every time she HASN'T recently received any death threats.
TEXT OF COMIC:
I can't believe this. Well, actually, I can. I just found out I'm failing EVERY class that I'm in with you.
And how are you doing in the classes I'm not in?
That's beside the point. You are ruining my life by raising the professors' standards! I am seriously going to kill you.
You should never make threats like that.
Oh, don't get all moral on me.
I'm not. It's just some helpful advice. If you make threats you can't follow through on, people won't take you seriously.
And if you do try to follow through on it, you have less chance of succeeding, because making the threat ruined the element of surprise.
Thanks for the tip. When I do kill you, I'll be sure not to tell you first.
Comic #1254
March 9 2013
MOUSEOVER TEXT: alms, alms for the poor who lost their worldly wealth to pay for boots
It's more true than you'd think. Lots of people who have spent the past several years buying expensive clothes are very deeply in debt.
TEXT OF COMIC:
You shouldn't have given money to that lady in the park. She was wearing designer boots.
What does that have to do with it?
People with expensive boots already have money.
Really? Huh. I always thought expensive boots meant someone DIDN'T have money.
How did you come to that conclusion?
I just had trouble imagining anyone having any money left, after buying a pair of those things.
I have to say I hadn't thought of it that way.
Comic #1255
March 10 2013
MOUSEOVER TEXT: I should make a new religion out of this.
I think the solution to this is for Abby to reexamine her definition of free will.
TEXT OF COMIC:
If your personality is determined by nurture, then there is no free will, because your parents are responsible for the way you are, and therefore your behavior.
If your personality is determined by nature, there is also no free will, because evolution made your mind the way it is, and therefore evolution is responsible for what you do.
Unless God made you, in which case there is still no free will, because God made your mind the way it is, and therefore God is responsible for what you do.
Okay, so what if your soul has ALWAYS existed?
Then there is STILL no free will, because NOBODY and NOTHING is responsible for the way you are. You can't be free if you're not responsible for yourself.
Well, what if you're a time traveler stuck in a causal loop, and after you die your soul will go back in time and cause its own existence?
Now you're talking.
Comic #1256
March 16 2013
MOUSEOVER TEXT: Throwing coins off the Sears Tower is attempted murder, but only when it's done by people who believe that myth.
When I was about six, I once tried to kill a babysitter by putting soap on the faucet nozzle so that it would end up in his water if he tried to get himself a drink. I'm not sure why I thought soap was lethal to babysitters. (Can I tell this story? Is there a statute of limitations on attempted murder?)
TEXT OF COMIC:
Attempted murder is always illegal, right?
Um, yeah.
So if I make a bomb and throw it at you, intending to kill you, but the bomb doesn't go off because my bomb-building skills totally suck, that's still a serious crime.
Y-yeah.
Even if there was absolutely no WAY the bomb could have gone off the way I built it.
As long as you didn't know that, it's still attempted murder.
Well, what if I make you cookies with nuts in them, because I believe that you're dangerously allergic to nuts, but then it turns out you're not?
Well, I think I'd still have a case against you for attempted murder, if I could prove that you thought I was allergic and intended to kill me.
Okay, so what if I just walked up to you and LOOKED at you funny, because I was under the mistaken impression that I had superpowers and could kill you with lasers from my eyeballs?
That MIGHT still be attempted murder, but I think you'd have a chance with an insanity defense.
Comic #1257
March 17 2013
MOUSEOVER TEXT: Boom boom, indeed.
A Google search for "boom boom ain't it great to be crazy" will bring up the full lyrics of the song, in the event that this comic makes no sense to you. No guarantees that it will make full sense after the Google search, though.
TEXT OF COMIC:
DIE, DIE!
IT'S FUNNY BECAUSE IT'S A PUN.
Boom, boom, ain't it great to be crazy.
Comic #1258
March 23 2013
MOUSEOVER TEXT: when there's trouble you call DW
Fear me, muggers:
TEXT OF COMIC:
Yeah, I'm on my way home from the store. Maybe we can hang out after my evening class. I could--
Hand it over.
What?
This is a holdup. Hand over that fancy smartphone and no one gets hurt.
Um, okay... here you go.
Great. Now--
Wait. Why does your phone say "police" on it?
It says "police box." It's a custom cellphone cover.
You a police officer or something?
Um...
Is this some kind of sting operation? This phone got some kind of microchip tracer thing on it?
What?
I didn't steal your phone, okay? Here. Take it back. I don't want it. I was just joking.
I'm leaving now, all right? This never happened. BYE.
What was that all about?
I.. I think I almost got mugged, but the TARDIS showed up just in time and saved me.
Your life is way too interesting.
Comic #1259
March 24 2013
MOUSEOVER TEXT: please don't kill them
This is what happens when you let your double-yolked eggs carry themselves to term.
TEXT OF COMIC:
I'm a bird!
That's awesome!
I'm male, but like most male birds, I have no external genitalia!
That's... less awesome.
My testicles are internal organs hidden inside my back.
Why are you TELLING me this?
In fact, I personally was born with a deformity, so I have only one testicle.
That's horrible!
...Which I share with my conjoined twin.
STOP! I don't want to hear any more!
See? They're two birds with one stone.
What is WRONG with you?
Comic #1260
March 30 2013
MOUSEOVER TEXT: whether they are historically believed to have been a couple in real life might also be a factor
One thing I remember from my fanfiction days is how weird it was that everyone seemed to assume "real person slash" was MORE legally questionable than fanfiction in general. Honestly, it would be more defensible in court. It doesn't involve anything copyrighted, and in a libel case it would be very hard to argue that the writers of real-person slash actually intended for anyone to believe their stories were true.
Not that I myself would ever write real-person slash, because I've never experienced attraction to any actual celebrity-- only the characters they play. Celebrities themselves are gross.
TEXT OF COMIC:
Checkin' my email, doo doo dee doo, checkin' my email...
Message from Startrekfanficland moderator to ponfarrferret34: Your story has been removed. We've been through this before, Ponfarrferret. Rick Berman and Brannon Braga could sue for libel if they saw you writing porn about them.
Message from Startrekfanficland moderator to ponfarrferret34: Your story has been removed. We've been through this before, Ponfarrferret. Rick Berman and Brannon Braga could sue for libel if they saw you writing porn about them.
It wasn't porn! It was just a drabble where they brainstormed stupid ideas for Voyager episodes, and then kissed at the end.
Doesn't matter. Real person slash is not allowed on our site, explicit or non-explicit.
That time travel story last month had Alexander/Hephaestion slash in it.
Well, okay, no real-person slash of LIVING people. Dead people are fine.
Okay, I'll start on my James Doohan/Deforest Kelley fic.
No, not dead that recently! I'm talking about dead for centuries!
What if I write about someone who MIGHT have died a few thousand years ago, but there's debate over whether he was a real person, and also whether he's still dead?
NO! NO JESUS SLASH!
Your messing with legal vagueness just HAS to extend onto your fanfiction forums, doesn't it.
Comic #1261
March 31 2013
MOUSEOVER TEXT: because, because, because of the weirdiful things she does
I wonder if it qualifies as a "coincidence" that April Fool's Day was the day after Easter.
TEXT OF COMIC:
Easter this year was March 31.
And Valentine's Day was February 14.
Somehow I'm SURE that's not a coincidence.
Wait, what? What does March 31 have to do with February 14?
Nothing. I told you, it's not a coincidence.
You are the weirdiful weirdo of weird.
Comic #1262
April 6 2013
MOUSEOVER TEXT: ugly bags of
This article eased my pathological phobias for a day.
TEXT OF COMIC:
Did you read the article I sent you about how the human population might actually start going down a few decades from now?
Yeah! Thanks. It made me feel a lot better about the world.
Better? But the article said it could ultimately end in extinction!
I don't believe that part. Birthrates adapt to conditions. And apparently they're better at it than I thought.
You don't know they'll adapt to this. In countries where birthrates are really low, they haven't had much success getting people to have more kids.
And they shouldn't. They should encourage them to adopt kids from countries that have too many.
That won't stop the decline in population.
Norma, worrying about the population decline now is kind of like dumping buckets of water into your house when your house is already flooded, because you're afraid that the flood will eventually go down and you'll die of thirst.
That's a weird analogy.
But it works. Sure, the water will eventually go down. Sure, you might someday have a water shortage. But adding more water now is just contributing to all the problems of a flood, and it won't actually help you later on when you're thirsty.
You are seriously comparing human beings to water.
Human beings ARE mostly water.
Comic #1263
April 7 2013
MOUSEOVER TEXT: If it's rude to talk about people behind their backs, and it's rude to talk about people in the third person while they're in the room, then what is the third person for?
it wasn't technically behind her back because they both happened to be facing north when she said it
TEXT OF COMIC:
I overheard Cathy saying that you're a teacher's pet suck-up who would sell your own grandmother for a good grade.
Sounds like something Cathy would say. And why exactly did you need to tell me this?
Well, I just thought you'd want to know when people talk about you behind your back. I mean, that's basically the reason why talking behind people's backs is wrong-- because the person doesn't get to know about it.
Actually, I have no problem with people talking trash about me behind my back.
Really?
Well, sure. I mean, I'd be unrealistic if I expected everyone to agree with me, or if I expected everyone who disagreed with me to keep their mouths shut and never talk about it.
And if they're going to talk about it, I'd rather they kept it out of my earshot, because I really don't care to know everyone's opinion on how I should be living my life.
You NEVER want people to tell you what they think of you?
Well, in some cases it's okay. If she lived next door to me, and I was making too much noise and keeping her awake, then sure, she should talk to me. I might not know that I'm causing that problem, and if she tells me, then I can fix it with reasonable adjustments to my behavior.
But there is no way I'm going to stop getting good grades just because Cathy thinks it would improve her standing with the professors. So if she wants to complain about it, she should bloody well complain to someone else.
In fact, she showed an uncharacteristic amount of tact and maturity by talking to someone else instead of me. Maybe she's a better person than I thought.
I won't tell her you said that behind her back.
Comic #1264
April 13 2013
MOUSEOVER TEXT: though the truth may vary, the shippers marry our... aw screw it
I just remind myself that they're real in a parallel universe, and leave it at that. Of course, that doesn't make it so I can date them.
TEXT OF COMIC:
So are you dating any boys yet?
For the quadrillionth time, no. And I won't be, until I can date Spock and the Tenth Doctor at the same time.
I can't believe I gave birth to you. What do you see in those nerdy science fiction characters?
Just that they're awesome, and they have more in common with me than you do.
Well, they aren't real people. You can talk all you like about what you want, but you can't control what's real. The truth doesn't change.
The truth changes all the time!
What? Don't be ridiculous.
This morning, the truth was that I was asleep. A minute later the truth was that I was awake. I change the truth every time I do anything.
Okay, so how are you going to make humanoid aliens be real?
I can't tell you ALL my secret plans.
Comic #1265
April 14 2013
MOUSEOVER TEXT: maybe this is why abby never wears a watch
I had the same experience with wearing a watch. Finally I just started wearing it on my left hand so people would shut up. I like to be non-conformist when I can, but sometimes other people's responses just get too irritating.
TEXT OF COMIC:
When I was a kid, everyone thought I was left-handed.
Really?
Yeah. Because I wore my watch on my right wrist.
It never occurred to me to wear it on my left wrist. When you're writing and drawing with your right hand, your right wrist is more in your view than your left wrist. Wearing a watch on your non-dominant hand would make no sense.
Yet everyone assumed I was doing it, because it's considered normal.
Normal people don't spend ALL their time writing and drawing.
I don't know which is weirder: that, or the idea that people who had met me would expect me to do something the normal way.
Comic #1266
April 20 2013
MOUSEOVER TEXT: gotta watch em all, au-do-bon
I wondered if the humans in the Pokemon universe just named all the Pokemon after the sounds they made, but that would be really implausible because of how often the sounds resemble words relevant to the animals' descriptions.
TEXT OF COMIC:
Is that a towhee?
Well, it's certainly not a peewit.
And I know that one's a chickadee.
Birds are like Pokemon. A lot of them just say their own names.
And parrots are, like, the Meowth of the bird world?
Geez, you and I can't even birdwatch normally.
Comic #1267
April 21 2013
MOUSEOVER TEXT: D as in dens, E as in dens, N as in dens, S as in dens
Abby does not have a very good track record of using the "[x] as in [y]" spelling format in helpful ways.
TEXT OF COMIC:
Ah, spring. The birds sing, the flowers bloom. All the hibernating creatures are coming out of their dens--
Coming out of their bins?
No, I said "dens."
Dense?
No, YOU're dense! I said dens! D as in "dog," E as in "ear," N as in "noose," S as in "sin."
Did you just spell "bamf"?
What?
Bamf? B as in "bog," A as in "air," M as in "moose," F as in "fin"?
NO! If I was going to spell that out, I would say B as in "bad," A as in "ass," M as in "mother," F as in--
Still, you're supposed to use example words that DON'T sound like other words that start with EASILY CONFUSABLE LETTERS.
And you're supposed to stop wearing ear muffs when it's SPRING.
Comic #1268
April 27 2013
MOUSEOVER TEXT: immodest titmouse
This comic brought to you by the bad hair day that made me wish I owned a hijab.
TEXT OF COMIC:
Wow, Abby, you look... different.
And what exactly do you mean by that?
I mean you're, um... not wearing a bra. And you are wearing a tight-fitting, low-necked top. Which is uncharacteristic of you.
Well, it's just that I finally learned the value of modesty.
You learned... that its value is so low it isn't even worth attempting?
What? Norma, this is an unusually modest outfit!
I realized I have ugly, saggy breasts. But when I cover them up with a high-necked shirt and a supportive bra, I look a lot more attractive.
I realized I've been doing things to make myself look BETTER than I am. That's not modesty! That's the opposite of modesty!
So you're dressing like trailer trash, just to demonstrate that the "humility" meaning of modesty and the "covering your boobs" meaning of modesty don't always go hand in hand.
Any modesty that isn't humble is false modesty.
Comic #1269
April 28 2013
MOUSEOVER TEXT: I... cannot smell a pie
Only Abby can use excessive honesty to avoid telling the truth.
TEXT OF COMIC:
Abby, did you eat my cherry Twizzlers?
I cannot tell a lie.
Well, technically that was a lie. I am physically and mentally capable of lying. I should have said that I prefer not to lie.
I mean, of course, that I prefer not to lie under most circumstances. To be entirely honest I must admit that I would prefer to lie in some situations, for instance if it were necessary in order to save the life of someone I cared about.
Not to say that those are the only cases where I would ever lie. I don't mean to paint an unrealistic picture of myself as someone who only lies for noble reasons. I won't hide the fact that I have lied for selfish gains more than once.
Evading is as bad as lying, Abby.
Comic #1270
May 4 2013
MOUSEOVER TEXT: apparently both horses and bulls are not very good at pulling carts in that song
My dad used to add his own lines into that song. "Gonna buy you a mockingbird/ And if the wildlife protection agency takes it..."
TEXT OF COMIC:
When I was little, I thought that diamond turning into brass was a chemical reaction that could actually happen.
What? Were your parents, like, reverse alchemists or something?
No, but they sang me that song. The one with the lyrics "And if that diamond ring turns brass..."
I still don't know what it was supposed to mean.
Maybe it meant "if the diamond ring turns out to be brass."
So the parents in the song bought a diamond thinking it was brass? You'd have to be pretty oblivious to make that mistake. Brass isn't even transparent.
But maybe it's referring to the ring setting, not the stone itself.
Well, if the ring setting is brass, it doesn't matter, 'cause I've still got a diamond.
Not necessarily. Diamonds aren't usually set in brass. If the setting turns out to be cheap, the stone probably is, too.
So I guess that line means, "And if that diamond ring turns out to have a brass setting, and therefore probably not have a real diamond."
Somehow I think English used to be a much more high-context language.
Comic #1271
May 5 2013
MOUSEOVER TEXT: Weirdly, as of the time I write this, that meaning isn't on the Wikipedia disambiguation page for C4.
Ever since I've started working in the pharmacy, I have seen so many weird names for medications. It's a language lover's dream (if by "dream" you mean "bizarre, surreal world.")
But nitroglycerin isn't a weird made-up name, it's actually the same stuff as the explosive, just prepared differently and in much smaller doses.
TEXT OF COMIC:
Did you know people with heart problems take nitroglycerin? It's an actual medication that doctors prescribe.
Of course I know that. I know more about medication than anyone else in this school.
It's weird, though. Nitroglycerin's an explosive, isn't it?
Well, at least it's not a C4.
...
C4 stands for Schedule IV Controlled Substance.
You know TOO MUCH about medication.
Comic #1272
May 11 2013
MOUSEOVER TEXT: I'm starting to doubt whether Abby's mom is happy having children herself.
Not a bug, but a feature.
TEXT OF COMIC:
Are you SURE you'll be happy never having children, Abby?
You keep asking me that. Why do you have so much trouble accepting it?
Well, it doesn't make sense for you not to have the natural instinct to reproduce. If nature made people who didn't want to have kids, their genes wouldn't be passed on.
Then why do you think nature makes people who are physically incapable of reproducing?
Um... because evolution isn't perfect, I suppose.
So you'll believe that evolution is capable of making an error that causes reproduction to be PHYSICALLY IMPOSSIBLE, but you don't think it's capable of making an error that removes the DESIRE for it-- a desire that's almost irrelevant from an evolutionary perspective, since birth control was't invented until a few decades ago.
So you admit you're an error.
Error is in the eye of the beholder.
Comic #1273
May 12 2013
MOUSEOVER TEXT: There's an alternate version of this story in Jewish folklore, which ALSO fits with Charlotte being a pig rights activist
Draw Muhammad Day was a stupid idea, really. You can't draw Muhammad-- it's impossible, because you don't know what he looked like. You could draw a picture and SAY it was a picture of Muhammad, but it wouldn't be, unless you were ridiculously lucky.
In any case, this comic is absolutely not intended to insult Muhammad. It's intended to celebrate Charlotte , because she is awesome. I don't consider myself religious, but if God exists, I fully believe he would choose her to be the spider who saved Muhammad's life , even if he had to pull her out of a different part of the timestream and maybe an alternate reality.
TEXT OF COMIC:
A spider! Oh, if only you could build a web before my enemies come-- then they would think this cave has been empty a long time, and they wouldn't find me!
That is exactly what I plan to do.
It's a miracle!
Thank you, spider! Thank you, God! I thought I was going to die!
I thought I was going to die once too. But then God appeared to me in my last moments and offered to send me back in time instead, to save your life.
I did it for the sake of the pigs. I approve of your religion's dietary restrictions.
You were sent... back in time?
Yes, and here I am. Salutations.
Abby, you know that no one celebrates Draw Muhammad Day anymore.
I DIDN'T DRAW HIM. IT'S NOT BLASPHEMOUS!
Comic #1274
May 18 2013
MOUSEOVER TEXT: should be a national holiday
Pistachios are nuts in the culinary sense, but not in the botanical sense, because they split open naturally to reveal the seed.
TEXT OF COMIC:
Did you know a pistachio isn't actually a nut?
Really.
Yup.
In fact, it's a type of facial decoration, like a mustachio.
Except unlike a mustachio, which you get from drinking milk, you get a pistachio from drinking--
Oh no. It's Abby's Creative Etymology Day again.
Comic #1275
May 19 2013
MOUSEOVER TEXT: or don't count your chitlins before they're mashed
or don't count your children before they're snatched
TEXT OF COMIC:
I sold my old laptop on Craigslist and now I've got a check for $200! What should we do with it?
The guy paid with a check? Better see if it bounces first.
Yeah, I suppose. Don't count your chickens before they're hatched.
Shouldn't that be "Don't count your checkins before they're cashed?"
Whatever.
Comic #1276
May 25 2013
MOUSEOVER TEXT: some puppets' noses grow as nothing more than a sign of nervousness
Another problem with articles like that is that lying follows trends. When it became common knowledge that liars won't give lots of details, liars (and probably also honest people afraid of being disbelieved) started giving excessive details, to throw off that suspicion. Now that excessive details have become widely recognized as a sign of lying, the pendulum will swing the other way again. And the people who publish articles on how to recognize lying are just helping liars learn how to lie better.
TEXT OF COMIC:
Did you read this article? Apparently there have been some pretty detailed studies that showed what people are most likely to do when they're lying-- the words they use, the motions they make and so on.
I'm somewhat skeptical of those studies.
I mean, I'll believe that the test subjects showed a statistically significant tendency to do certain things when they were lying. But are those things really signs of lying? Or are they just signs of being afraid that people won't believe you? Or signs of making a conscious effort to sound believable?
The study could have observed signs of fear of being disbelieved, and correlated them with lying, just because people who are lying are the most likely to fear being disbelieved.
It's like how studies correlated sugar with diabetes, just because sugar can make you fat and being fat can give you diabetes-- but so far there's no proof that thin people who eat a lot of sugar and exercise it all off are at any higher risk for diabetes than other thin people.
People with normal theory of mind-- also known as complete self-centeredness-- won't even consider the possibility of being disbelieved when they are telling the truth, because they never think of looking at things from another person's perspective. That's why it's normal to be utterly shocked if someone accuses you of lying when you're not.
So a normal person who is being truthful will show no signs of being afraid of disbelief, and therefore, most times you see those signs, it will mean someone is lying. But when you're dealing with someone who can look at the scenario logically from the other person's viewpoint, all bets are off.
People like that will be visibly afraid that others won't believe them, and will make noticeable efforts to be believed, which in most people would indicate lying-- but in reality is just the logical response to a situation where the truth isn't obvious.
Are you disbelieving this article just because it's trying to sound credible, Abby?
Comic #1277
May 26 2013
MOUSEOVER TEXT: actually that's what hospital food is made of
I wonder if you can get it mummified and take it home or something.
TEXT OF COMIC:
If you get a limb amputated, what do they do with it?
Um, they cut it off.
No, I mean after that. What do they do with the severed limb?
Well... I suppose they put it in some sanitary hospital waste disposal. What brought this on?
They just throw it away? I wouldn't want that!
My limbs and I have been through a lot together! Are you saying that my leg can literally support me through all the best and the worst times of my whole existence, and give its very life for me, and yet not get a decent burial?
I... don't know how to respond to that.
Besides, if it does get a decent burial, I can say I have one foot in the grave.
Comic #1278
June 1 2013
MOUSEOVER TEXT: happy 100,000th binary birthday to me!
The analogy doesn't quite work, because a billionaire who was banned from grocery stores could still hire someone to shop for her. Whereas a smart person who couldn't get a job couldn't exactly use her intelligence to get someone to earn money for her... Well, maybe she could... Hmm. Let me look into this business opportunity.
TEXT OF COMIC:
Well, time for me to go to work.
You still have that menial, mind-numbing bookstore job, don't you.
If I want to have this job, that's my business. It's not hurting anyone.
Yes it is.
Jobs like that are for people a lot less gifted and educated than you, people who aren't smart enough to get a good job. By having a job that uses none of your skills, you're not only being lazy, you're depriving some poor mentally challenged person of employment.
Someone like you having a job like that-- is like-- like a billionaire eating from a food shelf.
Yeah, if the billionaire was banned from all the grocery stores because she had no shopping experience.
Point taken.
Comic #1279
June 2 2013
MOUSEOVER TEXT: trigger warning: reptiles
I love snakes. I would have one as a pet, if my condo association allowed it. I have never been afraid of snakes even slightly, when awake... and yet I occasionally have horrific nightmares about them.
I think fear of snakes is buried somewhere deep down inside us, but is a lot more active in some of us than in others. There's actually an interesting study about that.
TEXT OF COMIC:
Cathy is so scared of snakes that she can't even stock the nature book section at work, for fear she might see a picture of one on a cover. It's hilarious.
I don't think that's so funny.
What? How come?
I used to be that scared of snakes, in junior high.
Huh... come to think of it, I vaguely remember that. But I don't remember it being that bad.
Yeah, I tried to avoid situations where it would become an issue. I didn't want people to know about it.
Phobias are weird things. I knew perfectly well that none of the snakes around here are dangerous. I knew that toy snakes and pictures of snakes aren't dangerous. I knew that it was not useful in any way for me to feel like fainting every time I happened to catch a glimpse of one of your reptile magazines. But I couldn't help it. Phobias are irrational.
And fear of snakes is a really stigmatized one. If you're scared of heights, people kind of understand. They don't go dragging you along on mountain hikes and stuff. But if you're scared of snakes, it's all rubber cobras in your lunchbox and surprise viewings of snake-related horror movies, all the time. Nobody has any sympathy at all.
I... I never thought of it that way. Wow. I remember I played a few jokes like that on you, back then. I'm sorry.
But maybe that's how you got over it.
You are a jerk.
MOUSEOVER TEXT: trigger warning: reptiles
Comic #1280
June 8 2013
MOUSEOVER TEXT: Aesthetics is an anagram for East Ethics
The Pope also wears absolutely gorgeous clothing, by my sense of aesthetics. This is why nobody buys my handmade jewelry. Maybe I'd have more luck at a Renaissance Festival.
TEXT OF COMIC:
I'd be a terrible fashion designer.
And, in other news, fire is hot.
But I've realized that it's not because I lack a good sense of aesthetics.
It's because my sense of aesthetics is constant. I find the same things beautiful that I found beautiful ten years ago.
In order to have any kind of grasp on fashion, your sense of beauty has to be loose on the wind, susceptible to every minuscule change, influenced by things like what celebrity is wearing what. If the rest of your personality were like that, you wouldn't HAVE a personality.
So you're insinuating that fashion designers don't actually HAVE a sense of aesthetics.
Yeah. And, in other news, the Pope is Catholic.
Comic #1281
June 9 2013
MOUSEOVER TEXT: Black shirts are wonderful solar panels that turn sunlight into heat energy, which unfortunately can only be used to warm your body.
This comic brought to you by the nice new white long-sleeved shirt I am wearing today, which is keeping me cool and unsunburned but DANG is it hurting my eyes.
TEXT OF COMIC:
Ahem.
Tired of coming home every day with that painful red rash? Can't go outside in summertime without those pesky photons swarming around your skin?
White shirts only repel photons, sending them off to attack other people, or even your own face and eyes.
Don't take the risk! Kill photons on contact with the safe alternative: the BLACK shirt.
Except then you die of overheating.
Better dead than red.
Comic #1282
June 15 2013
MOUSEOVER TEXT: Norma's just jealous
I love how there can be multiple literal interpretations of a statement-- and often the most literal one isn't the first one people think of when they hear "literal."
TEXT OF COMIC:
A COMIC SET IN THE NEAR FUTURE
Now, let's get this scene right, shall we? If this turns out as crappy as the last ten sci-fi movies that have come out, it might LITERALLY be the last science fiction movie ever filmed.
I don't think you're using "literally" right.
YOU KNOW NOTHING!
Later, it turned out this WAS literally the last science fiction movie ever filmed-- because shortly afterwards, the use of literal FILM to make movies was abandoned completely.
They kept calling them "films," though.
And you keep calling your comics "comics," even though they haven't been funny for a long time.
Comic #1283
June 16 2013
MOUSEOVER TEXT: gut bacteria are the new gerbils
I'm not sure if intestinal bacteria qualify as "animals," though. The single-celled organisms closest to animals are, I think, technically classified as "animal-like protists." (They use the term "gut flora" instead of "gut fauna," but they're not plants either.)
I'd be interested to see a legal case addressing someone who got off sexually on something involving, say, houseflies, or mosquitoes. I guess it would be bestiality, but the argument against bestiality is that it's cruel to the animal, and I'd like to see someone convince a jury to care about cruelty to a mosquito.
TEXT OF COMIC:
Abby, can you come home for the weekend?
What? Why?
The dog's sick, and we have to take his temperature every day.
You have a thermometer of your own.
But the vet said to do it rectally. You're the only person I know who's not too squeamish to do that.
Yuck. What gave you the idea I'd be willing to touch a dog's private regions? That's bestiality!
It's only bestiality if you're getting off on it.
Really? The definition of bestiality is all in the human's head, and has nothing to do with what the animal is actually going through?
Yup.
I'm sexually attracted to intestinal bacteria! I'm turned on by the idea that they're crawling around in my guts! Is it now illegal for me to have them??
Okay, I think I don't want you to come into my house after all.
Comic #1284
June 22 2013
MOUSEOVER TEXT: Sorry, my fellow non-music-nerds, for making a joke that only music nerds will get
Actually I don't think Abby's rendition of "Oh Canada" to the tune of "Oh Tannenbaum" works, because the first two words aren't supposed to be repeated. But "The Star-Spangled Banner" to the tune of "The First Noel" and "Yankee Doodle" to the tune of "Good King Wenceslas" both work surprisingly well.
TEXT OF COMIC:
This year, let's have Christmas in July!
What?
Let's be patriotic AND Christmassy.
No. I'm overwhelmed just celebrating the Fourth of July. Don't pile more holidays on me.
Oh, don't be such a grinch. One! Two! Three!
Oh, say can you see by the dawn's early
light, What so proudly we hailed at the twilight's last
gleaming?
Whose broad stripes and bright stars through the perilous--
Stop it.
Yankee Doodle came to town, a-riding on a pony,
Stuck a feather in his cap and called it macaroni!
Oh, Canada, Oh Canada...
Shut up, Abby.
Comic #1285
June 23 2013
MOUSEOVER TEXT: They debunked the whole 'light from a car's headlights is going the speed of light plus the speed of the car' hypothesis, but they never thought about the taillights!
That's one of the interesting loopholes in the whole FTL business. You can't go "objectively" faster than the speed of light, but two objects can move apart from each other faster than light, and motion is relative anyway; you get to choose what object to measure your speed in relation to. (If I ever get stopped for riding my bike 15 mph on one of those 10 mph paths, I'll tell the cop I measure my speed in relation to my handlebar basket and therefore I wasn't moving at all.)
Abby seems to love real-but-irrelevant solutions to the FTL problem. She was so happy about the work of Lene Hau.
TEXT OF COMIC:
MY PLAN FOR FASTER-THAN-LIGHT TRAVEL
This is just you running while pointing a flashlight behind you.
I choose to measure my speed in relation to the photons from the flashlight.
Comic #1286
June 29 2013
MOUSEOVER TEXT: If you're sick, drink lots of fluids; they can't cross running water
This is why garlic is good for the immune system.
TEXT OF COMIC:
Open the blinds. I was sick all week, so this dorm is saturated in viruses.
The viruses can't get out if you only open the BLINDS.
But sunlight can get in, and that kills them.
Viruses are like little tiny vampires, because they can't survive in direct sunlight. And also because they're parasites that prey on living humans. And also because they start with 'v.'
But they can't turn you into one of them.
Well, once you've had a virus it stays in your body, so they do kind of make you part virus. Plus, while they're active in you, they're busy turning pieces of your tissue into lots more viruses. So yes, they do turn you into them.
I don't know. You're giving them more personality than they deserve. Most scientists don't even consider viruses to be "alive."
And what do you call something that moves and kills prey and sires offspring without being technically alive? UNDEAD! Friggin' vampires!
Have it your way.
Comic #1287
June 30 2013
MOUSEOVER TEXT: Worse than birth control, because birth control at least gives your child a TINY chance at life.
I'm taking a risk by posting this, because there seem to be child-related tragedies happening every few months lately. But Abby is a reflection of me, so her humor is dark, and this is how she deals with things. (It doesn't work very well. She may think she's put the violence of the world in perspective, but she's still as depressed about it as ever.)
TEXT OF COMIC:
Why is a child's death more tragic than an adult's death?
Well, a lot of reasons.
One, children are more innocent. They haven't caused a lot of harm in the world yet, and if they have hurt anyone, it's probably because they didn't understand what they were doing. So they don't deserve to die.
Two, children are more helpless. If they die, they didn't even have a fighting chance to save themselves.
And three, they had more to lose. A child's death takes away more years of potential life than an adult's.
Wow.
So the most tragic death of all must be--
A fetus?
No. A kid that hasn't even been CONCEIVED yet!
Think of it. An un-conceived child is one hundred percent innocent. There's no way for it to have hurt anyone. Unlike a fetus, it hasn't even caused anyone discomfort yet.
It's also the most helpless kind of child, since all it takes to kill it is DOING NOTHING. And it has the most to lose-- if it dies, it has lost its ENTIRE life, not just all but a few months of it.
Abstinence is the worst form of murder!!
And I'll be over here while you deal with the realization that you're the worst form of murderer.
Comic #1288
July 6 2013
MOUSEOVER TEXT: more like FORKerizing
Abby's just jealous she didn't come up with that pun.
TEXT OF COMIC:
Hi Abby! Here's a little Independence Day present from me. Sorry it's a couple days late.
What? You don't give presents for that.
Sure I do. Open it.
A... a fork.
I made it myself! Out of high-quality craft wire.
A wire fork? --oh, you Spoonerizing idiot.
Happy Fourth of July.
I don't want to be your friend any more. But I hope we can still be acquaintances.
Comic #1289
July 7 2013
MOUSEOVER TEXT: I don't think the transliterations of bird sounds actually sound anything like the real bird sounds
This bird is a glaring omission in the Pokebirds t-shirt, and for that, I am sorry.
TEXT OF COMIC:
Wow, what's that bird? It looks like a shorebird. Does this park have a beach somewhere?
Shorebirds hang out all sorts of places, and that's a killdeer.
I shudder to think how it got that name.
It's a Pokebird, Norma.
A what?
A bird that talks like a Pokemon. It's called a killdeer because it SAYS "killdeer."
Another cool thing it does is lure predators away from its nest by pretending to have a broken wing.
Okay, now I have this image of it killing deer by luring them off a cliff with the broken-wing act.
You have almost as vivid an imagination as I do.
Comic #1290
July 13 2013
MOUSEOVER TEXT: I know reading about climate change tends to soothe my fears, because I imagine it even worse than it really is
I don't know. There are some terrifying things in nature that I don't think most people could have made up.
TEXT OF COMIC:
I tell you, Norma, the killdeer is called that because it makes a sound like "killdeer." It does NOT lure deer off a cliff with its broken-wing act. Deer wouldn't even have any reason to chase a bird.
They would if it started out by threatening their fawns.
But then what would be the point of the broken-wing act? A bird with a broken wing isn't any more threat to the fawns than a bird without a broken wing.
But the deer would be more likely to chase it, because they think they have a better chance of actually stomping it.
And then once it's lured the parents to their deaths, it EATS the fawns.
This is why people should learn about nature. When you don't know, you always imagine something even more terrifying than the truth.
Comic #1291
July 14 2013
MOUSEOVER TEXT: maybe a human very unfamiliar with football
Both those error examples are real ones I've seen. I suspect it's a collaboration between humans and machines.
TEXT OF COMIC:
Who does the live closed-captioning, anyway?
Huh?
Is it humans or computers? With the kind of mistakes they make, I can't imagine it being either.
On the sports channel in the break room at work, I once saw the closed-captioning spell "corner back" instead of "quarterback." I don't think a human would make a mistake like that.
But then on a news story, I saw "adamant" get spelled "a-d-i-m-m-e-n-t." If a computer was going to get that word wrong, it would have picked a similar-sounding real word, not made up a random wrong spelling.
I guess we're dealing with a creature that is capable of making human mistakes AND computer mistakes.
A closed-captioning cyborg?
The worst of both worlds.
Comic #1292
July 20 2013
MOUSEOVER TEXT: imagine being an electoral college member and voting for the WRONG person
Seriously, who's in the Electoral College? I know the names of some Senators, some Representatives, some Supreme Court Justices, but no Electoral College members. They're probably just volunteers who do something else most of the time.
I could look it up, but they're so vestigial that I don't actually care much.
TEXT OF COMIC:
Have you ever wondered what it's like to be a member of the Electoral College?
Huh?
You'd be a person whose job is to enter a ballot for a presidential candidate. Imagine that for a second.
And you don't even get to choose which candidate to put in the ballot for-- it has to be the candidate who got the most votes in your state.
And if they pass that law where the Electoral College has to vote for whoever won the national popular vote, then your job becomes even MORE simple and vestigial.
Are the members of the Electoral College real people? Or are they, like, trained pigeons? Or little toy robots? This is seriously not a job you have to be human to do. You wouldn't even have to be a very complex animal or machine.
I feel cheated that MY job is in danger because the internet is replacing bookstores, but government employees who could be replaced by friggin' Aibo dogs still have great job security.
Calm down, Abby. You get to be in a REAL college.
Comic #1293
July 21 2013
MOUSEOVER TEXT: I felt this way today. Fuzzy brain syndrome is very frustrating.
I think her words did, after all, imply that her head wasn't hurting... when the brain is gone, the pain is gone too.
TEXT OF COMIC:
How are you doing?
Mmmgh. I can't think clearly now. My brain is gone.
Hah. Very clever. Well, I'm glad your head stopped hurting.
What? I didn't say my head stopped hurting. I didn't say my head was hurting in the first place. I said "My brain is gone."
Oh! I thought you said "I can think clearly now, migraine is gone."
I said "I CAN'T think clearly now"! If I said "My grain is gone," I would be talking about not having eaten a good high-carbohydrate breakfast to fuel my thought processes.
Well, you're keeping up the witty banter pretty well for someone without a brain.
Witty banter is built into every cell of my body.
Comic #1294
July 27 2013
MOUSEOVER TEXT: now Abby LOVES the books without ever having read them
Obviously it's because the lovey-dovey romance continues during and after the gruesome scene, with a magical little vampire baby added to it. But still, you've got to give Stephenie Meyers credit for throwing in a random bombshell of disgusting horror at the end. She was on the right track, just should've gone farther.
TEXT OF COMIC:
Bleh, I hate the Twilight books even though I've never read them.
You and a bazillion other people.
That author took a horror genre-- vampires, which are supposed to be SCARY-- and turned it into a pretty, shiny, lovey-dovey romance. It is so wrong.
If I were in her place-- well, I guess I wouldn't be able to resist messing with the audience. I'd start out the series the way she did, and get all the vampire fangirls all squeeing and worshipping the lovey-dovey romance-- and then at the end, I'd finish up with some actual, disgusting, gruesome horror, like the vampire and the werewolf chewing the heroine's belly open or something.
Um... that is actually how the series ended, Abby.
WHAT? My god, then why does everyone hate it?
Comic #1295
July 28 2013
MOUSEOVER TEXT: mood lighting
Natural alexandrite is ridiculously rare and expensive, especially if you want one that does the really dramatic color change between red and green.
I love alexandrite-- besides the color change, it's also stronger than diamond, and nearly as hard. And it's my birthstone (well, going by one of the birthstone systems; the other one says it's pearl, but pearls are fragile, usually cheap, and not even really stones. I like alexandrite better).
TEXT OF COMIC:
I got a mood ring.
That's nice. I'm sure everyone needs help to figure out how you're feeling.
It's a genuine alexandrite stone. On cloudy days it's a deep greenish blue, in bright sun it's kind of gray, and indoors it's usually sea-green.
That's not a mood ring. It doesn't change with your mood, it changes with the light.
I have seasonal affective disorder, so it's the same thing.
Comic #1296
August 3 2013
MOUSEOVER TEXT: or maybe T Rex and birds should be dinosaurs but Stegosaurus shouldn't
This is my answer to a certain wonderful xkcd comic.
TEXT OF COMIC:
Do you think birds should really be called a type of dinosaur? People say they should, but they've changed so much since then, I kind of think they should be considered a different animal.
But there were types of dinosaurs that are separated from each other by more time and genetics than dinosaurs are separated from birds. If Stegosaurus and Tyrannosaurus are both considered dinosaurs, then birds logically have to be, too.
HOWEVER, I agree with you that birds should not be called dinosaurs.
Why? You just said--
Norma, remember why we don't have Brontosaurus anymore?
Um, yeah. They found out it was the same animal as the Apatosaurus, so now they call it Apatosaurus because that one was named first.
And you remember what happened to Torosaurus?
Yeah, they found out that the Triceratops was actually a young Torosaurus, and now they call them both Triceratops, since the Triceratops was named first.
Exactly. We shouldn't call birds dinosaurs. We should call dinosaurs birds. Birds were NAMED FIRST.
So the Tyrannosaurus was just a large stubby-armed flightless bird that roamed Cretaceous Earth scavenging dead meat. What a bad world.
Comic #1297
August 4 2013
MOUSEOVER TEXT: dos equis is a girly drink, real men drink equis igriega
The number of x's on cartoon bottles seems to vary, though. I think sometimes it's three. (A suggestion of the taboo kinship alcohol has with sex, perhaps?)
TEXT OF COMIC:
You know how cartoons indicate "alcohol" by drawing X's on a bottle?
What?... Oh, yeah, I guess I've seen that.
I used to think that meant that EVERY cartoon drunkard was drinking Dos Equis.
Huh, I kind of had the impression that those X's in cartoons were around before the Dos Equis brand of beer.
Well, if so, then Dos Equis deliberately chose their logo in order to accomplish RETROACTIVE PRODUCT PLACEMENT in every old comic ever.
The amount I admire them for that is actually kind of disturbing.
Almost enough for you to stop being a teetotaler, huh?
I don't ever drink beer, but if I did, I'd prefer Dos Equis.
Comic #1298
August 10 2013
MOUSEOVER TEXT: ...and, y'know, if I was sleeping with any guys.
I swear I think about hypothetical legal questions more than I think about any real legal issues in my life.
TEXT OF COMIC:
What if I worked in a hospital, and I noticed that one of the guys being treated for HIV was someone I knew?
Um, it would be none of your business.
But what if I also knew that he was sleeping with one of my best friends?
And what if that friend had told me that, 1. they're not using protection, 2. the guy had said he wasn't HIV positive, and 3. my friend would not sleep with anyone who was known to have HIV?
By not disclosing his HIV status to my friend, the guy would be breaking the law, and by not saying anything about it, I would be complicit in the crime.
But if I told anyone, that would ALSO be illegal, because I only know about it from confidential medical information.
Maybe I'd have to ask someone about it, but phrase it as a hypothetical scenario, so I wouldn't be revealing anything.
If you actually worked in a hospital, I'd be pretty worried right now.
Comic #1299
August 11 2013
MOUSEOVER TEXT: join the HIV mind
When I use that phrase, I use "cant" in the sense of an oblique angle, "bee" in the sense of a honey-making insect, and "two" as in the number, because I don't feel that phrase deserves to be interpreted as making any sense.
TEXT OF COMIC:
What did you buy?
A home HIV test.
Why in the world do you think you might have HIV?
Cathy got a paper cut at work, and I think I might have come in contact with a drop of her blood.
Is Cathy HIV positive?
I don't know, but you can't be too careful.
When I use that phrase, I prefer to use "can't" in the sense of "it's really not a good idea to."
You live a dangerous life.
Comic #1300
August 17 2013
MOUSEOVER TEXT: happy unlucky 1300
Kind of like that one story in the first Machine of Death book...
TEXT OF COMIC:
How did the HIV test turn out?
I don't know.
What do you mean you don't know? Was it positive or negative?
Well, it was negative... but it stayed negative even when it was 45 minutes after the test.
So? That's good, isn't it?
Except that the instructions said that after 40 minutes, the test strip would be overexposed or something, and the test would no longer be accurate.
If it was no longer accurate, and yet it continued to say I was negative, then logically I must have become positive at the 40-minute mark. The test gave me HIV.
I guess they reasoned that "the best way to know the future is to create it."
Comic #1301
August 18 2013
MOUSEOVER TEXT: yes abby, think positive thoughts
If negative means having something, then Abby is often negative for a bad attitude.
TEXT OF COMIC:
So are you still pretending that you think you have HIV?
What? Oh, no, I figured that out.
See, I thought being positive for something meant you DO have it.
That is what it means.
No, that's a common misconception! Actually, when scientists were making up the words "negative" and "positive," they still had very little information about the natural laws they were working with. They gave the words their definitions quite arbitrarily, and it wasn't until many years later that they found out being positive actually means NOT having something.
HIV is not a friggin' electron.
IT MAKES ME HAPPY SO I'M GONNA BELIEVE IT.
Comic #1302
August 24 2013
MOUSEOVER TEXT: say everything wackbirds
The Laws of Spoonerism dictate that you will find the funniest spoonerisms only by accident under the most inappropriate conditions.
TEXT OF COMIC:
What are you doing, Norma?
Word-botching.
What?
Huh, I thought it would be funny to Spoonerize "bird-watching" just now. I didn't think about what it would turn into.
Ha ha ha! That's awesome! You thought it'd be fun to botch some words, and then the laws of Spoonerism conspired to make you SAY exactly what you were doing!!!
You are easily amused.
Comic #1303
August 25 2013
MOUSEOVER TEXT: the housefinch is really just a sparrow blushing at all the romantic attention
The housefinch looks quite similar to the purple finch, which also has large areas of reddish color. The color purple didn't have its own name until fairly recently; before that, the word "purple" was used for red, and that's when the purple finch was named.
It's interesting to see how words for colors have gotten more specific over the years. I've read that the oldest written mentions of colors refer only to light and dark, and then later red started being mentioned, followed gradually by the rest of the colors, one or two at a time. Some languages still have the same word for blue and green. It gets really complicated the more cultures and languages you study, though: see this article.
TEXT OF COMIC:
So what birds are you watching?
That sparrow and that housefinch over there. They totally seem to like each other too much. I wonder if the sparrow can't tell the other bird is a housefinch.
The housefinch is bright red. Of course he can tell.
But humans are the only animals that can see color, right?
Eesh. That sentence needs SO many added specifications.
Humans AND OTHER OLD WORLD PRIMATES are the only MAMMALS that can see MORE THAN TWO PRIMARY COLORS.
Other primates like gorillas and chimps can see the same three primary colors we can. Other mammals can still see two primary colors. And birds can see FOUR of them!
From a bird's viewpoint, YOU'RE partly colorblind! If that sparrow has a crush on that housefinch, he is fully conscious of his interspecies fetish.
I am so glad I have that knowledge in my head now.
Comic #1304
August 31 2013
MOUSEOVER TEXT: more like SNOOPid puns
Norma in this comic is based on John; he gave me the "snoop can" pun
TEXT OF COMIC:
Hey, I have a joke you'd like. What do you call a soup can with a built-in hidden video camera?
What?
A snoop can!
Holy crap, Norma. What made you think I'd like a stupid pun like that?
You like stupid puns! You're the one who thinks "The Merchant of Venice" would be a good name for a liposuction clinic!
That isn't even a pun! A pun is a comic mix-up between similar words. That was a comic mix-up between similar SITUATIONS, both of which involve taking a pound of flesh out of someone.
A pun would be if I thought "The Merchant of Venison" would be a good name for a butcher shop! Actually, that could be both a pun AND the other thing, because a butcher shop can sell flesh by the pound.
See? THAT'S the kind of joke that's clever enough for me.
Good to know.
Comic #1305
September 1 2013
MOUSEOVER TEXT: when I hear 'Tam' I think of an Irish setter named Tammy that my uncle used to have
Fireflies' light displays are all about getting laid; every beautiful flower and bug and bird in the world is just out there for the sex.
TEXT OF COMIC:
I watched Firefly before I watched any Doctor Who.
So whenever I hear "the Doctor and his companion River," I don't think of the Eleventh Doctor and River Song-- I think of Doctor Tam and River Tam from Firefly.
Weren't they brother and sister?
Yeah, but a sister can be a companion, can't she?
Well, yeah, but if you go by the Firefly meaning of "companion," that could get pretty awkward.
AAAH I DID NOT WANT TO THINK ABOUT THAT.
Comic #1306
September 7 2013
MOUSEOVER TEXT: there are lice in my nit sweater
This is very close to an actual conversation I had with someone. I am sad for the world.
TEXT OF COMIC:
That is SOOOO not how cold fusion is supposed to work.
Can we ever watch any science fiction movie without you nit-picking?
How is nit-picking a bad thing? What are you supposed to do if you have nits? Just sit there and let them keep making your head itch?
What are you talking about? What do you mean, "nits"?
Don't tell me you don't even know where the phrase "nit-picking" came from. A nit is the egg or larva of a louse.
What's a louse?
Singular of lice!! You know what lice are, don't you?
I didn't know it had a singular.
Seriously, are people forgetting whole chunks of the English language as every year goes by?
We need to make room in our heads for all the internet memes.
Comic #1307
September 8 2013
MOUSEOVER TEXT: Cristobal Colon was once considered for sainthood, but was rejected partly because he had an illegitimate child. The child was a semi-Colon.
The discussion of "colar" was inspired by a conversation in the comments of Strip 431, though those comments have been lost since I moved the comics onto the new site. It's nice to have so many different sources of information in my audience!
TEXT OF COMIC:
I wonder what it would be like to colonize a previously unknown country. I mean, I'm scared to go to another state, for fear the food would give me indigestion.
Is that where "colonization" comes from? Colon? Because they all got their guts cleaned out by Montezuma's Revenge?
Nope, it came from Christopher Columbus's real name, which was Cristobal Colon.
You are both making stuff up. It comes from the Latin "colere," which was basically to inhabit and care for an area.
Are you sure that's what "colere" meant? It sounds suspiciously similar to the Spanish "colar," which has the meaning of cutting ahead in line, as well as the meaning of straining, as in the word "colander." I think colonization fits a lot better with a word that refers to sneaking through gaps to get into someplace you're not supposed to be.
Especially if you're an ant colony.
Ant colonies are colonizing my pina-colada-flavored cola, and this is going to upset my colon!
Comic #1308
September 14 2013
MOUSEOVER TEXT: Norma's line in panel 2 can be taken two ways, but the feeling is the same
Turns out all these years I've actually been pronouncing "GIF" the same way its inventor wants it pronounced-- just because I notice linguistic trends, and the letter I is more likely to follow a soft G than a hard G.
Everyone else was pronouncing it with a hard G because that's what "graphics" starts with. But, if you always pronounce acronyms based on the way their letters sound in the original words... then you'd take the sounds from "light amplification by stimulated emission of radiation" and you'd end up pronouncing "laser" like "lass-ear."
TEXT OF COMIC:
Hmm, a care package! Mom sent me... a jar of homemade jam. Nice.
See, your mom isn't a complete monster.
Her note says, "Be sure to keep it in the frig after you open it."
The... frig?
I love it when people spell it like that, don't you?
I mean, on the one hand, it is a more accurate abbreviation than "fridge," since the words "refrigerator" and "Frigidaire" don't actually precede the "g" with a "d."
But on the other hand, when it's cut off from the rest of the word, phonetics tells you to pronounce it with a hard G. It's fascinating how the same letters change sound depending on their surroundings.
Wow, your mom gave you jam AND a happy language-analyzing moment. Yay for her.
She's nicer than she realizes.
Comic #1309
September 15 2013
MOUSEOVER TEXT: think globallorie, act low-calorie
TEXT OF COMIC:
Until a few years ago, I didn't realize that zero-calorie sweeteners were possible.
What? They're everywhere. They have been for a long time.
But I always assumed they had the same number of calories as sugar.
Why would people want to eat them then?
I guess because they're better for your teeth? It just didn't make sense to me that they wouldn't have any calories.
How come?
Because I'd see sugar-free candy with a label saying "Not a low-calorie food."
Obviously that's because there's other stuff in the candy that does have calories.
But that stuff is also in the candy that has sugar. Logically, if they contain all the same other ingredients, a sugar-free version of a candy would have fewer calories than the sugary original. So I can't see why it wouldn't be considered a low-calorie food.
Maybe "low-calorie foods" are defined as having fewer than some official number of calories, instead of just being lower-calorie than the alternative?
I guess. It would be nice if these official numbers were listed someplace where people could find them.
I'm still waiting to find out the official definition of the difference between candy and fruit snacks.
Comic #1310
September 21 2013
MOUSEOVER TEXT: Nuts and beans, however, ARE the plant's unborn babies.
I wonder how much eggs would cost if they were produced truly humanely-- not just cage-free, but no killing male chicks, and no killing hens when they got too old to lay. I bet some people would actually be willing to pay that premium.
Heck, I might... but then I'd worry about whether keeping all those extra chickens alive was causing more harm to the environment. I care a lot about individual animals and people, but I care more about preserving the ecosystem as a whole, because no individuals can live without the ecosystem.
TEXT OF COMIC:
Is that an egg sandwich? I thought you were a vegetarian.
Lacto-ovo-pesca-vegetarian. Not vegan. Eggs aren't animals.
But they're, like, the chicken's unborn babies.
Only if they're fertilized. Eggs you buy in the grocery store come from hens that were kept separate from roosters.
Chickens are like us: they still keep ovulating, even if there's no one there to fertilize the eggs.
The difference is that when a chicken ovulates, you can SEE the unfertilized ovum when it comes out. And you can eat it. And it's delicious.
Thanks, now I don't want to eat eggs anymore.
Shall I tell you where meat comes from?
Comic #1311
September 22 2013
MOUSEOVER TEXT: that sure took the teeth out of her argument
My brain just went, "What if we had robot bodies and you could just load your consciousness into another robot to clean your teeth-- wait, why would a robot body need teeth anyway."
TEXT OF COMIC:
I'm here for my dentist appointment.
Great. Fill out these forms while you wait.
Can I ask a question? Why do I have to go to the dentist for a routine cleaning when I have toothpaste and floss and mouthwash to clean my own teeth?
Well, we have more advanced equipment to get your teeth cleaner, and we also check to see if you have any cavities.
So why can't I just buy that equipment for myself, and learn how to check my own mouth for cavities?
If you tried, you'd find that it's very difficult to do those things to your own mouth.
Fine, so maybe I'll hire someone to do it.
That's what you're doing right now.
Oh. Right.
Comic #1312
September 28 2013
MOUSEOVER TEXT: the crow calling the grackle black
I'm reminded of a time when John and I stopped at Gooseberry Falls on a trip up north, and the visitor center was surrounded by a swarm of migrating birds. The people who work there had been totally unprepared for how many there were. Several birds had hurt themselves on the windows, and others were tangled in the mesh that had been put down over newly-planted grass seed. (That stuff is inevitably a bird trap-- the grass seed itself lures birds in, and the mesh always curls up on the sides and forms a very effective bird-catching net. Like the glass houses, it's one of the many human tools that harm wildlife just as a side effect, and yet they do it as effectively as if they'd been designed to.)
TEXT OF COMIC:
What birds are you looking at?
There's a starling and a house sparrow on the feeder together. Two of the most hated invasive species in one place. I'm watching to see if a pigeon shows up to complete the trinity.
So starlings and sparrows are invasive?
Yeah, they were brought over from Europe by some genius who thought it'd be a cool idea to introduce into the New World every bird that was mentioned by Shakespeare. These ones did too well, and now they're considered pests.
I like them, though. They're smart and spunky. And it's not their fault they were brought here.
Whenever someone talks trash about starlings and sparrows, I'm like, "Really? You-- a HUMAN-- are seriously going to criticize another species for being invasive, being too successful, and harming native species--" You see where I'm going with this?
Those who live in glass houses shouldn't kill two birds with one stone?
We humans don't even have to throw stones, our glass houses kill birds. You ever see those buildings downtown? The least they could do is put some hawk silhouettes on the windows.
Comic #1313
September 29 2013
MOUSEOVER TEXT: you can tell this from hemorrhoid rage because that is spelled 'rhoid'
Abby finds it hard to stay angry for long, because sooner or later a pun will come into her head.
TEXT OF COMIC:
Aren't you going to do anything today? You've just been sitting there for hours.
Shut up and go die.
You're in quite a bad mood.
I might need thyroid supplements.
Really?
Yeah. I don't have a goiter yet, but I have some of the symptoms of thyroid deficiency, like lethargy and irritability.
You're certainly irritable.
I like to call it "roid rage."
Well, your sense of humor's unchanged.
Comic #1314
October 5 2013
MOUSEOVER TEXT: Perhaps this was the show Abby was worried about in strip 1228, and she finally managed to conquer her hispter self.
I wonder if Hans would admire a strong and unusually talented female character who was old enough to have plausibly gained so many skills. We may never know. Strong female characters are rare enough, and older ones are virtually unheard of.
I also wonder if Wesley Crusher would have been more popular if he'd had a mean streak or a bit of bad-boy attitude in addition to being a genius. Somehow I think people's hatred for him is less about his talents, and more about being a goody-two-shoes. (As a teacher's-pet prodigy that everyone hated, I would probably have identified with Wesley if I'd been watching The Next Generation as a teenager. Sad, huh?)
TEXT OF COMIC:
Are you really watching Veronica Mars? That character is such a Mary Sue. No one's that perfect.
You're just saying that because she's female, aren't you? Doctor Who fans never call the Doctor a Mary Sue, even though every episode is basically a love-fest about how awesome he is.
The Doctor is centuries old. He's had time to get that awesome. Veronica Mars could not have become an expert in so many things by the age of seventeen.
Oh, I bet if a teenage boy in a TV show was as talented as Veronica Mars, you'd love him.
Would not.
Would too.
Would not.
Would too.
Wesley Crusher.
AARGH shut up.
Comic #1315
October 6 2013
MOUSEOVER TEXT: Huey is a human name, Duey is a duck name
I bought an abacus from an awesome seller on Etsy who 3D-prints them. Apparently a 3D printer can make the beads right on the bars.
Lovely thing... though I'm not sure if 3D-printed items are actually allowed on Etsy. It's supposed to be just handmade stuff. And I admit it's hard to define "handmade," since we make things with a lot of tools that go beyond just our hands, but I can't see how objects made with a 3D printer could fit within any definition of that word. So, I'm not going to say the name of the Etsy shop, for fear someone might report it and have it taken down.
TEXT OF COMIC:
Okay, Abby, let's see how much I earned from shareware downloads this week.
I don't see how I can help you with that.
I wasn't talking to you, I was talking to my abacus.
You have an abacus?
It's beneficial to learn the use of multiple calculating tools. I have a slide rule too.
And your abacus has a name.
Well, you named your computer Lapitoptera.
A computer is a computer. An abacus is an abacus.
Which is an analog computer-- one of the first computers invented.
So you named it after me.
No, it's got nothing to do with you. It's short for "abacus."
That is the corniest way of naming something EVER.
No worse than a human named Huey.
MOUSEOVER TEXT: Huey is a human name, Duey is a duck name
Comic #1316
October 10 2013
Here's a little extra post in between comics, to tell you about my participation in the Beyond Words Fall Extravaganza Giveaway ! Between October 10th and November 9th, you can enter to win any of several free copies of my books, as well as other cool prizes.
Prizes I'm contributing:
2 signed print copies of the science fiction novel Kea's Flight (the special exclusive edition that you can only get directly from me, containing a lexicon of the made-up language described in the book)
2 signed print copies of the story collection If the World Ended, Would I Notice?
2 digital copies of Kea's Flight in mobi, epub or pdf form
2 digital copies of If the World Ended, Would I Notice? in mobi, epub or pdf form
Go on over and check it out!
Comic #1316
October 12 2013
MOUSEOVER TEXT: actually it might be real in some alternate universe
The reasons Doctor Who isn't plausible go far beyond it being a TV series. Norma picked the wrong target there.
Speaking of Christmas specials, have you thought about gift shopping yet? Books make cool presents! So do sassy t-shirts and stickers! Books and Abby and Norma merchandise are orderable for the holidays!
Here are a few things you could get your friends, to show them that you understand how awesomely weird they are:
(Want an extra-special present? Email me at humanalien at gmail dot com. For a small extra fee for the additional shipping, and a few days of extra transit time, I'll personally SIGN your book or t-shirt.)
TEXT OF COMIC:
Why didn't you call to tell me you were going to be late?
My phone ran out of power. I could have sworn there used to be a phone booth near where I was, but it was gone.
Omigosh.
What?
I just realized the only explanation for the phone booth's disappearance!
Um, they tore it down because nobody uses phone booths anymore?
IT WAS THE TARDIS! The Doctor dematerialized it, and vanished on another splendid journey through time and space!
Oh, here we go again. Abby. Abby. Doctor Who isn't real.
How would you know? How can you presume to know what goes on in the far reaches of the galaxy and the hidden corners of the past and future? Have you BEEN there?
It's a TV show. What are the chances that all this crap is happening somewhere in real life, when it already happened in a TV show?
One of the least-understood principles of probability, Norma, is that something unlikely occurring one time does NOT reduce the chance of it occurring again. A house that has been struck by lighting once is no less likely to be struck by lightning than a house that has never been.
If making a TV show about something could prevent it from really happening, do you have any idea how easy it would be to save the world from every possible danger?
You didn't like all those movies about an asteroid hitting the Earth? Well, YOU SHOULD, because they're the reason why an asteroid never WILL! 'Cause what are the chances of that happening BOTH IN A MOVIE AND IN REAL LIFE?
You are doing this just to mess with me, and I wish you'd stop.
Comic #1317
October 13 2013
MOUSEOVER TEXT: I think they already have
If I take a photo of me and then scan the photo, does the scanner have my soul now, or do the camera and the scanner both have copies of it?
Speaking of digital images that contain parts of my soul, the holidays are coming up! Books and t-shirts and stickers are always popular! Books and Abby and Norma merchandise are good gifts!
Here are a few things you could get your friends, to show them your appreciation of the finer and stranger things in life. None of these things cost over $25, and most of them cost under $20, so it's a financially wise decision too!
(Want an extra-special present? Email me at humanalien at gmail dot com. For a small extra fee for the additional shipping, and a few days of extra transit time, I'll personally SIGN your book or t-shirt.)
TEXT OF COMIC:
Is there anyplace on earth that isn't under camera surveillance?
Depends. Do you count satellite photos?
It's as if society no longer has any respect for the religious freedom of people who believe cameras steal your soul.
Man, if cameras DO steal your soul, NOBODY has a soul anymore.
Except cameras.
This is why they're gradually getting more and more intelligent. I bet they'll be the first machines to take over the world.
Comic #1318
October 19 2013
MOUSEOVER TEXT: Abby cares more about the energy crisis than personal privacy.
Even if they can't create an unlimited power source, they'll have to make phones a lot more energy-efficient than the fossil fuel companies would want. Now if only we can give them a reason to make cars more efficient...
Oh, and speaking of efficiency, did you know that print-on-demand self-publishing is the most eco-friendly way of publishing print material EVER? Professional publishers print way more than they need, and throw away the extras. But self-publishing services like Lulu, Createspace, and Redbubble only create a thing once someone has ordered it, so they're saving resources like crazy!
Books and Abby and Norma merchandise are still orderable for the holidays! Here are a few things you could get your friends, to show them your appreciation of cool weirdness AND smart resource management! All in the $20 range, or less.
(Want an extra-special present? Email me at humanalien at gmail dot com. For a small extra fee for the additional shipping, and a few days of extra transit time, I'll personally SIGN your book or t-shirt.)
TEXT OF COMIC:
Is there any privacy on the phone anymore, either?
No. You can never be sure someone in the government isn't spying on your phone conversations.
Even when you're not talking on the phone. someone has a record of where it is, thanks to the GPS built into every cellphone.
Can't you turn off the GPS?
I'm pretty sure phones are made to keep using the GPS all the time, no matter what you do. The official explanation is that they want the police to be able to find you if you call 911.
I guess you could turn the phone off if you didn't want anyone tracking you.
Maybe, but I have suspicions that there's still some backup power running when the phone is off, to make sure it can still be tracked.
Even if there is, that power can't run forever. If your phone goes long enough without being charged, you'll eventually be untrackable.
Omigosh. I just realized something.
The government has always expended incredible effort on keeping us dependent on fossil fuels... but in their craze for surveillance, they've given themselves an equally powerful incentive to do the opposite.
If they want to keep eternal tabs on our locations, THEY WILL HAVE TO INVENT AN UNLIMITED POWER SOURCE.
We have won, Norma! We have overcome the evil forces! We have forced them to destroy themselves!!
Yay hurray.
Comic #1319
October 20 2013
MOUSEOVER TEXT: Happy winter.
That's not Abby in the picture, that's me. Not that you can tell.
(Except for the mention of Minnesota Nice. That's kind of a dead giveaway. I've got that; Abby definitely hasn't. I envy her so.)
Speaking of Minnesota and winter... those things go together like lefse and lingonberries! What better way to honor the winter holidays than with a gift designed in the Twin Cities, where winter is truly the winteriest!
Here are some books and Abby and Norma merchandise you could get your friends, to celebrate the cool, cool season! All in the $20 range, or less.
(Want an extra-special present? Email me at humanalien at gmail dot com. For a small extra fee for the additional shipping, and a few days of extra transit time, I'll personally SIGN your book or t-shirt.)
TEXT OF COMIC:
I
know a place
Where the grass is hibernating
Eight
Months a year
Everyone can walk on water
Sippin'
Ovaltine
Huddled underneath the pine trees
(yum, yum)
Boys
Stop and chat
For an hour about the weather
(with us)
Minnesota girls, we are unstoppable
Snowsuits, balaclavas on top
When it's ten below
we'll eat a popsicle
Oh, oh, oh
You could travel the world
But nothing's as great as ten thousand lakes
You go hiking with us
You'll be falling on ice
Oh, oh, oh
Minnesota girls, we are infallible
We don't slip, if it's frozen or not.
Living here
it kinda gets instinctual
Oh, oh, oh
Fish
At the beach
And get eaten by mosquitoes
Or, if you like,
In an ice house in the winter
You could sit there all day
But nothing will bite if you wait all night
If you do get a catch
You can soak it in lye
Oh, oh, oh
Minnesota girls, we are unflappable
Minnesota Nice, it's ice cold.
If we hate your guts,
we'll never let you know
Oh, oh, oh
Comic #1320
October 26 2013
MOUSEOVER TEXT: the more complex the system you use to murder someone, the less it can be considered murder
Companies should really try employees in courts before firing them. They can SAY the purpose of employees is to keep making profits, and so it's okay to fire anyone who is even slightly unprofitable. They can SAY a place of employment isn't a charity. But come on, it really is.
Companies could replace virtually all human employees with robots if they really tried, and the only reason they don't is because they know it would collapse the whole economy. So they go on giving people jobs just so people can have jobs, just so they can keep spending money, just so the world doesn't fall apart.
And speaking of keeping the economy going, remember to buy your holiday gifts while they're still available! Books and Abby and Norma merchandise are great things to buy, because I promise I'll use the money, so it'll be extra good for the economy.
Here are a few of the cool things you could get your friends, to show them you have buying power! All in the $20 range, or less, so you don't have to have a LOT of buying power.
(Want an extra-special present? Email me at humanalien at gmail dot com. For a small extra fee for the additional shipping, and a few days of extra transit time, I'll personally SIGN your book or t-shirt.)
TEXT OF COMIC:
Crap, I'm late for work again. I swear, my boss is going to sentence me to a horrible death without a fair trial.
Your boss isn't going to kill you, Abby. The worst he can do is fire you.
Which is, in essence, a death sentence-- because having a job that you have NOT been fired from is how you earn money to get food and shelter and other things you NEED in order to LIVE.
But you don't need that specific job to live. You can get another one.
Sure, you can APPEAL the death sentence, by trying to get a new job, or trying to get government aid. But appeals don't always succeed. Look at how many people still die homeless on the street.
A painless death by lethal injection requires strictly regulated court proceedings, with great consideration for giving the accused a fair chance to prove he doesn't deserve to die. But a slow death from starvation and exposure can be tossed off with the ease of writing a pink slip.
You live at college. Your mom pays for your living expenses.
See if she keeps supporting me if I lose my job.
Comic #1321
October 27 2013
MOUSEOVER TEXT: Cathy seems to be suggesting that being non-bisexual is sexist... but she doesn't seem to be bisexual herself, so, yay, Cathy hypocrisy, what else is new.
Is it racist if you want to date only one race? Is it sexist if you want to date only one sex? And if the answers aren't the same, why not? Cathy managed to confuse me here.
Personally, I just think some people are more capable than others of letting go of the physical. I can find beauty in any physical body, of any sex, race or appearance, if it contains a mind I care about. I occasionally feel strong physical attraction, and it does seem to follow a "type," but it doesn't really affect who I want to spend my life with, or even have sex with. I wouldn't enjoy doing either with someone I didn't emotionally and mentally relate to.
But I recognize that there are other people who can't have a fulfilling relationship without that strong physical attraction, and there's no way to force that attraction to be there if someone's not your "type." And type can include sex, race, and many other physical features. It can be painful for the people who are rejected for not fitting the type, but it does happen.
Speaking of attractive things, here are some very gorgeous presents for your friends and family, AND your lovers of any persuasion! You can't buy love, but you can buy handy tools for expressing your love at quite reasonable prices! Books and Abby and Norma merchandise are still orderable for the holidays!
(Want an extra-special present? Email me at humanalien at gmail dot com. For a small extra fee for the additional shipping, and a few days of extra transit time, I'll personally SIGN your book or t-shirt.)
TEXT OF COMIC:
What's wrong, Cathy?
My boyfriend left me. FOR ANOTHER GUY.
Aw. Well, at least it wasn't for another girl.
What? How can you think leaving me for a man is better than leaving me for a woman??
It suggests that the breakup was based not on hatred for you, but on realization of his own sexuality. It's not that you did anything wrong, he's just not attracted to women.
So it means that he is rejecting me because of a superficial physical feature that I can't control-- just like dumping someone for being the wrong race!
It's shallow and discriminatory, and if he can't look beneath the surface and appreciate my inner identity regardless of my body, then he doesn't deserve me anyway.
That might almost make a little bit of sense if it weren't YOU saying it.
Comic #1322
November 2 2013
MOUSEOVER TEXT: This week did suck, but I had a great fall.
It's hard to make a hump day joke that doesn't involve camels or sex.
Speaking of days, it's getting closer and closer to a day when society may very well expect you to give some presents, and speaking of silly puns, there are a lot of them contained in these very affordable and very giveable gifts, such as books and Abby and Norma merchandise !
(Want an extra-special present? Email me at humanalien at gmail dot com. For a small extra fee for the additional shipping, and a few days of extra transit time, I'll personally SIGN your book or t-shirt.)
TEXT OF COMIC:
How was your week?
Well, Monday and Tuesday sucked, as usual. Wednesday, of course, was Hump Day, when you hope that the rest of the week will be like a downhill ride.
But Thursday must have been Dump Day, because the world totally took a crap on me with some unexpected homework in math, and a surprise rainstorm on my way to Spanish class.
By Friday, I was so overstressed that it felt as if my progress towards Saturday was no longer a certainty-- as if I were precariously balanced on a narrow wall between week and weekend, and with the slightest push I could fall either way.
I know you are describing it that way just so you can summarize your week as "hump day, dump day, sat on a wall."
Why do I bother talking to someone who knows me so well she can finish my puns for me.
Comic #1323
November 3 2013
MOUSEOVER TEXT: Now you're making me unhappy! Stop it with the manipulating!
If you think about it, virtually all our interactions with other people are manipulative, if you define "manipulation" as "interacting with people with the goal of achieving a certain desired reaction from them." We always have an idea of what we would like others to do, and we always try to say things that encourage them to do it. So in a sense we're always trying to manipulate others, even if we're doing it in a gentle way that leaves them largely free to do as they please.
What makes an action manipulative in a bad way? Is it the obliqueness and semi-dishonesty, like complaining about your problems in hopes that your friends will offer to help you, instead of just asking for help? (But this could also be seen as giving your friends more freedom: if you asked for help outright, and your friends didn't want to give it, they would have to refuse you outright, which would be a lot harder emotionally than the option of just failing to pick up on your hints. I sometimes use the complaining-in-hopes-of-help strategy because if people are going to help me, I want it to come from their own genuine desire to help me... if they don't really want to, and would just be doing it out of obligation, then I'd rather go without help.)
But then there are other forms of manipulation, like saying things to make your friends feel guilty or unworthy before asking for help, or giving them the idea that you'll take some kind of revenge if they don't help you. I can't see any redeeming qualities in those.
Speaking of manipulation, I want you to buy your holiday presents from me! Books and Abby and Norma merchandise are still orderable for the holidays!
(Want an extra-special present? Email me at humanalien at gmail dot com. For a small extra fee for the additional shipping, and a few days of extra transit time, I'll personally SIGN your book or t-shirt.)
TEXT OF COMIC:
Norma, hi! I made cookies. Have some. You deserve it, for being a great friend.
Stop being manipulative.
What? Manipulative?
You noticed I've been mad at you ever since yesterday when you made the worst pun I've ever heard. So you think you can use cookies to weasel your way back into my good favor.
Well, that's true, but "manipulative" is an odd way of putting it. I would phrase it as "I'm sorry that you're unhappy because of me, and I'm hoping I can do something to make you happy."
See? "Make me happy"! You're so manipulative you want to CONTROL OTHER PEOPLE'S EMOTIONS!
Fine, I'll eat the cookies myself.
Comic #1324
November 9 2013
MOUSEOVER TEXT: your whole family is made of meat
I guess they reconciled their dispute after all. Abby and Norma are the ones who are truly indivisible.
Speaking of getting closer to your friends, one step in that direction is giving them presents, and some good presents include wildly creative books and attractive comic merchandise !
(Want an extra-special present? Email me at humanalien at gmail dot com. For a small extra fee for the additional shipping, and a few days of extra transit time, I'll personally SIGN your book or t-shirt.)
TEXT OF COMIC:
Where does the word "atom" come from again?
From "a-," the negative prefix, plus "-tom," which refers to cutting apart (as in "lobotomy"). Atoms were named when people thought it was impossible to split them, so their name means "not divisible."
And like "a-", "an-" is also a negative prefix. So the word "anatomy" is a roundabout, double-negative way of saying that our bodies can be cut into pieces.
I am pretty sure you're making up at least some of this.
I prefer to think of it not as "making up," but as "deducing the most logical conclusion I can without research."
Comic #1325
November 10 2013
MOUSEOVER TEXT: Karen should give the book a scathing hatchet-job of a review, just to see how her teacher reacts.
Abby gets her views about literary critics from reading Isaac Asimov's humor books, which are actually pretty far off in regards to the truth. In my experience, most book reviews are quite complimentary, and most reviewers are also authors.
Speaking of authors, I'm one! And I write weird books and design crazy AN merchandise for you to buy your friends for holiday gifts!
(Want an extra-special present? Email me at humanalien at gmail dot com. For a small extra fee for the additional shipping, and a few days of extra transit time, I'll personally SIGN your book or t-shirt.)
TEXT OF COMIC:
Why do I have to write book reports?
So your teacher knows you read the book.
But what skills am I actually building? Where in the adult world can I put my book-report-writing skills into practical use?
Well, you could write for the New York Times Book Review.
Really? There are people who write book reports for a living?
Yeah, but then you and I will have to be mortal enemies, because I intend to become an author.
Aw.
Comic #1326
November 16 2013
MOUSEOVER TEXT: Y in this case stands for yammering yelling youngsters, I guess.
I like Abby's arguments even better when she's half asleep.
Speaking of family members who expect you to do stuff, there are only 36 shopping days left till Christmas! And if you celebrate Hannukah, you've got even less time, because this year it begins crazy early-- coinciding with Thanksgiving !! (For you Doctor McNinja fans out there, this will be the ultimate Katannakah!)
But don't despair, I have bizarre books and cool AN merchandise for you to buy for holiday gifts! Don't delay!
(Want an extra-special present? Email me at humanalien at gmail dot com. For a small extra fee for the additional shipping, and a few days of extra transit time, I'll personally SIGN your book or t-shirt.)
TEXT OF COMIC:
Hi Abby!
Mmnnrgh. Whaaa? Mom? Why in'a frakkin' frellin'--
I was just wondering if you can explain again to me why you don't think I deserve grandchildren.
URRRGGH! MOM, S'THREE IN THE MORNING! I'M HAFFA SLEEP!
Yeah, I figured your cognitive skills would be no match for me at this hour. Perfect time to have the grandchildren argument. I might even win.
I'm hang'n'up.
Fine, but I win by default if you don't at least give me one reason why every young lady shouldn't bring a sweet little baby into the world.
Rrrrgh. Cuz when America's population passes a billion, we get the Y1000000K problem where social security numbers don' have enough digits anymore, an' society collapses. BYE.
*zzzzzz*
Oh, well. It was worth a shot.
Comic #1327
November 17 2013
MOUSEOVER TEXT: writing this in September; hoping it'll be up on Netflix by the time this posts
Sometimes, it inspires Awww.
Speaking of awe-inspiring things, there are only 35 days left till Christmas, and even less till Thanksgivukkah ... so get your books and Abby and Norma merchandise soon!
(Want an extra-special present? Email me at humanalien at gmail dot com. For a small extra fee for the additional shipping, and a few days of extra transit time, I'll personally SIGN your book or t-shirt.)
TEXT OF COMIC:
The new Doctor Who episodes are FINALLY up someplace where I can see them! Awesome!
The word "awesome" has lost all its meaning, hasn't it. Wasn't there a time when it was actually used just for things that inspire awe?
So? Words change. Do you only say you "enjoy" something if it brings you actual joy? Do you only call something "wonderful" if it fills you with wonder?
Do you only say "incredible" about things you are truly unable to believe?
Okay. OKAY. I get your point.
Besides, Doctor Who DOES inspire awe. So there.
Comic #1328
November 23 2013
MOUSEOVER TEXT: I would totally have read the Dick and Jane books as a kid if this was the kind of thought experiment they posed
Technically, you could remove "Dick is a human" from the scenario without preventing the death, if Dick were some other creature to whom cyanide is lethal.
(I wonder if he'd survive if he were a robot. But then, would he be eating breakfast in the first place? Maybe his breakfast is whatever fuel he runs on. Mixing cyanide into that probably would kill him, or at least seriously damage him.)
Speaking of causes, one of the biggest causes of holiday stress is trying to do your gift shopping at the last minute, so order your books and Abby and Norma merchandise soon!
(Want an extra-special present? Email me at humanalien at gmail dot com. For a small extra fee for the additional shipping, and a few days of extra transit time, I'll personally SIGN your book or t-shirt.)
TEXT OF COMIC:
Have you ever thought about the definition of "cause"?
Probably not in as much depth as you have.
Virtually every aspect of our society is dependent on being able to determine what causes what. And yet our definition of cause is practically meaningless.
I mean, if Jane puts cyanide in Dick's breakfast, and Dick eats it and dies, we say that Jane caused Dick's death.
Well, she did.
But Jane's action was just one of many, MANY factors that COMBINED to cause his death.
Sure, if you removed Jane's action from the scenario, Dick wouldn't have died that way. But the same goes if you removed any of numerous other factors-- like "Dick ate his breakfast," "cyanide is lethal to humans," "Dick is a human," and so on.
Those factors all contributed EQUALLY to Dick's death. If any one of them weren't true, that death wouldn't have happened. Yet we arbitrarily pick one and call it the cause.
We pick the one that's out of the ordinary. All the other factors are well-known constants of Dick and Jane's life.
So our definition of cause is DISCRIMINATORY in favor of society's stereotypes and norms! We blame every crime on the person who DID SOMETHING UNUSUAL!
Well, otherwise we'd be trying to imprison cyanide for being lethal to humans.
And wouldn't the world be a better place if all the cyanide were locked up?!
Comic #1329
November 24 2013
MOUSEOVER TEXT: sell your sole on ebay
The laws on this are very nuanced and open to interpretation, and vary by location as well. (I think a pair of shoes with half-missing soles lying on the street would fall under "abandoned property," no matter how valuable the shoes were to begin with.)
Speaking of things that are worth money, we're, like, one month from Christmas, and I'm sure you've got some friends and/or family weird enough to enjoy gifts of books and Abby and Norma merchandise !
(Want an extra-special present? Email me at humanalien at gmail dot com. For a small extra fee for the additional shipping, and a few days of extra transit time, I'll personally SIGN your book or t-shirt.)
TEXT OF COMIC:
Ooh, look! There's a matched pair of hiking boots on the ground! How often do you see that?
The soles are only half-attached.
Easily fixed. It takes me, like, half a minute to glue soles back on.
I wonder if I should try to find out who they belong to, though. Is it legal for me to keep them?
I think there's some law that you have to bring found objects to the police station, and if no one comes to claim them within a certain time frame, they're yours.
Yeah, that's a weird law, isn't it? Most people don't follow it-- or they'd only follow it if they found, like, a wallet with ID cards in it.
Well, I think that law applies only if the thing is worth more than a certain amount. I mean, I don't think it would apply to, say, a candy wrapper.
And how do you know how much something is worth? Things aren't even worth the same amount to two different people.
And what if these boots are worth nothing with the soles off, but worth a hundred dollars once I fix them? Do I go by the value when I picked them up, or the value after I glue them back together?
We live in a messed-up world when an unknown cash value determines the difference between STEALING and PICKING UP LITTER.
We live in a messed-up world anyway.
Comic #1330
November 30 2013
MOUSEOVER TEXT: gingerbread, gingerbread, ginger all the way
Here is my own gingerbread house recipe, made up entirely by myself two years ago. If anyone else claims to have made a similar one by the time this comic posts, I have a whole family of witnesses who can attest that I sent them this house in a Christmas package in the mail during December of 2011. (Yes, it can be sent in the mail without breaking, it is THAT AWESOME.)
And don't pay me any royalties if you use this recipe. It's my gift to you. I insist.
Solid Gingerbread Cookie House
Unlike most gingerbread houses, this house doesn't fall apart as you try to set it up-- and it looks a bit more like a real house, too. A log cabin, maybe.
Plus, it has more total gingerbread in it than those hollow houses. Yum.
Ingredients:
For Cookie Dough
6 cups flour
2 cups butter
2 cups light brown sugar
1 egg
1 tbsp baking soda
0.5 tsp salt
2 tsp vanilla extract
2 tsp ground cinnamon
1 tsp ground cloves
2 tbsp ground ginger
3 tbsp molasses
For Decorating:
3 cups powdered sugar
0.5 cup water
0.5 cup flour
Assorted small candies
Supplies
Microwave and oven
Measuring cups and measuring spoons
Large bowl and fork for mixing
Two large flat cookie sheets
Extra-light olive oil
Microwaveable bowl and fork to stir
Knife, and ruler to measure pieces
Toothpicks and butter knives for decorating
Small plate
Directions:
Preheat oven to 325 degrees F.
Melt butter in microwave. Mix all cookie ingredients in a large bowl.
Flatten dough out on cookie sheets, about half an inch thick, after greasing the sheets with oil.
Cut into 14 rectangles. Each should be 4 inches long. Ten of them should be 3 inches wide each. Of the remaining four, two should be 1 inch wide, and two should be 0.5 inch wide. (Feel free to experiment with different sizes and quantities; the recipe makes more than you'll need. Use any extra dough for gingerbread cookies.)
Bake for 10-12 minutes.
Meanwhile, mix the powdered sugar, flour and water into a paste to form the frosting.
When cookies are baked and cooled, stack eight of the 4x3" rectangles horizontally in an even stack, on top of a plate, mortaring them together with the frosting. Then, continuing to use the frosting as mortar, add the 4x1" rectangles, centered on top, followed by the 4x0.5' rectangles, until the stack resembles a house with a pointed roof.
Mortar the two remaining 4x3" rectangles on top to form both sides of the roof, resting on the ledges and leaning against each other at the peak. Decorate the house with frosting and candy.
Aaaaand, speaking of things I made that you might like for Christmas... well, you know the drill! Get your books and Abby and Norma merchandise today!
(Want an extra-special present? Email me at humanalien at gmail dot com. For a small extra fee for the additional shipping, and a few days of extra transit time, I'll personally SIGN your book or t-shirt.)
TEXT OF COMIC:
Do foods have patents?
What?
If I invent a recipe, can I patent it? Can I force anyone who makes my secret Christmas cookies to pay me a royalty?
I don't think so. I think recipes are more copyright than patent, and even their copyright isn't considered very sacred.
That sucks! So if I come up with a great way of building a house so it won't fall down, I can become rich from it, but if I come up with a great way of building a GINGERBREAD house so it won't fall down, there's nothing to stop everyone else from stealing it!
What's the difference? The fact that it's made out of edible material? How do we define edible? You can eat anything if you cut it up into small enough pieces!
I SHALL EAT THE PATENT OFFICE BUILDING IN PROTEST!
Good luck with that.
Comic #1331
December 1 2013
MOUSEOVER TEXT: These are both spellings I've seen in books many times, but for some reason my spellchecker won't accept moustache
Just cause Hitler had one doesn't make 'em automatically racist.
Speaking of things that make you look unique and eccentrically dignified like Hercule Poirot! ...this is now the same month as Christmas, so if anyone's expecting a Christmas present from you, remember I've got your books and Abby and Norma merchandise right here!
(Want an extra-special present? Email me at humanalien at gmail dot com. For a small extra fee for the additional shipping, and a few days of extra transit time, I'll personally SIGN your book or t-shirt.)
TEXT OF COMIC:
When I see the word "mustache," with just a U, I imagine something resembling a bristle brush on the face of a truck driver.
But when I see the word "moustache," with an OU, I imagine Hercule friggin' Poirot.
Maybe it's because "m-O-U-stache" looks more French, and French is more dignified?
Maybe.
Is "moustache" a French word, originally?
Maybe. But it doesn't sound close to the Spanish word for mustache at all.
What's the Spanish word?
"Bigote."
Wait. So the word "bigoted" literally comes from an unfair stereotype of guys with mustaches?
The word "bigoted" is bigoted!
I am not sure it's related to that, Norma.
Comic #1332
December 7 2013
MOUSEOVER TEXT: some time ago I had a dream in which I re-watched the Gene Wilder version and noticed that it contained a scene where Wonka met Santa Claus, and that there were distinct romantic undertones between the two of them
When I read the book as a kid, I think what bothered me most was the very anti-Semitic description of the rival chocolatiers who tried to steal Wonka's recipes, and the matching, stereotypical-looking illustrations. (I haven't seen anyone else complain about that, so it's possible that I was overreacting, though I have heard quite a bit about Dahl being anti-Semitic in general.) But going by the amount of time I spent thinking about it afterwards, the physical impossibility of the Gobstopper was still my most severe concern. I guess that makes me an incurable nerd.
Speaking of things that define you as an incurable nerd: are you worried that you don't own enough awesomely geeky items to convince your discerning friends? 18 days till Christmas, so remember my books and Abby and Norma merchandise if you still need a present for anyone (or if you want to wear/read/bring something to make sure everyone at the Christmas party knows you're as nerdy as they come)!
(Want an extra-special present? Email me at humanalien at gmail dot com. For a small extra fee for the additional shipping, and a few days of extra transit time, I'll personally SIGN your book or t-shirt.)
TEXT OF COMIC:
I can't decide if I like the Johnny Depp version or the Gene Wilder version better.
Why do you want to watch a Willy Wonka movie in the first place?
C'mon, they're awesome! You like candy, don't you?
I like eating it, not seeing it on a screen where I can't touch it.
Oh, you spoilsport. I love those movies. Can't decide which I love more. I mean, the Johnny Depp version was a lot more true to the original book, but the Gene Wilder version threw in so much random nonsense of its own, and it might have made it even better.
But then, in the Gene Wilder version they added that scene where Charlie breaks the rules and drinks Fizzy Lifting Drinks, which kind of defeats the purpose of the whole story, because the moral was that all the other kids were bad and Charlie was good, so he gets rewarded for it. If he did something just as bad as what everyone else did, then what's the point?
I think they were trying to say that you can be forgiven for bad decisions if you have a good heart. He redeemed himself with the Gobstopper test.
Yeah... I guess the Gobstopper test was the one thing that makes that version better than the other, in my mind.
Hmm?
Yeah. I mean, if the Everlasting Gobstopper and the fake Slugworth were all part of Wonka's plan to find out who could be trusted, then there's no reason to believe the Gobstopper was ever real at all. In the Gene Wilder version, you can basically assume that Wonka made up the whole idea of the Gobstopper, and never really invented such a thing.
That made the movie almost watchable for me. The story's so full of improbable science, but the Gobstopper was the one thing I just couldn't stomach. Can't suspend disbelief for violating basic conservation of matter.
You ruin everything for me, Abby.
Comic #1333
December 8 2013
MOUSEOVER TEXT: revenge will be miiiiiiiine!!
Around Christmas I tend to have occasional thoughts about how Christmas feels kind of pointless for adults without kids. (I guess because kids are the only ones inexperienced enough to have any illusions about Christmas meaning anything? But for them it does mean something... it means free toys and candy, while for the rest of us it just means tiresome family gatherings and endless gift-buying expenses. If some of your gift-recipients were children-- with their inability to buy their own candy and toys, and thus their very genuine joy to receive them-- it might actually feel a little rewarding.)
I suppose a lot of people decide they want kids around this time... it would make sense, because if they start trying now, they might very well conceive in January or February, which would fit with September and October being such common birthday months.
My parents are kind of backwards. I was probably conceived in August or September, since my birthday is June 1st. This would be logical and natural for a species that can't raise newborns in the winter, like deer or something. (Or maybe Minnesotans ARE that way because of our climate. Those national statistics about the most common birth months-- you never see them broken down by state.)
Speaking of things that are popular during the winter holidays, there are now 17 days till Christmas, so get your books and Abby and Norma merchandise while there's still time!
(Want an extra-special present? Email me at humanalien at gmail dot com. For a small extra fee for the additional shipping, and a few days of extra transit time, I'll personally SIGN your book or t-shirt. At this point it might not get there by December 25th, though.)
TEXT OF COMIC:
You should be going out on dates, Abby. No matter how much you sit in your dorm studying, that's not going to be how you learn the meaning of life.
Who says life has a meaning?
You know, my life was meaningless before I had a child.
Weird. How did you find meaning in something gross like that?
The sense of making a difference, Abby. The knowledge that I have perpetuated my own life in another human being, and that I am devoting the rest of my days to shaping this miraculous person into the one great legacy I will leave in this world when I pass on.
So you think my accomplishments will validate your existence? Flattering. However, I assume you're telling me this because you hope to convince me that MY life will also be meaningless unless I have children.
Of course.
So the meaning of life is reproduction, and the meaning of reproduction is more reproduction, and so on forever, with no end goal.
You think my life, too, will be meaningless without children, so no matter what I accomplish, this great legacy of yours, this magnum opus to which you've devoted your life, will be worth nothing unless I pass on the family genes.
Exactly.
My reproductive choice has the power to determine whether your life has meaning or not.
Yup. You feeling guilty enough yet?
I'm feeling a bit of an urge to start cackling maniacally and rubbing my hands together.
Comic #1334
December 14 2013
MOUSEOVER TEXT: not worse than eating a hotdog, though
According to Grandin, not all pigs will figure out that the collar is the thing opening the gate. Some will conclude that the gate opens because of whatever they happened to be doing the last time it opened for them-- stamping their feet up and down, squealing, poking their noses at the gate, etc. In this respect, pigs can be a bit like superstitious humans.
Speaking of superstitious humans, there are 11 days till Christmas, so there might still be time to get your books and Abby and Norma merchandise if you pick one of the fastest shipping options! (And if you don't manage to order it in time, you can always give each of your loved ones a card promising that you'll get them a copy as soon as you can! Though in that case they'll probably expect something pretty special to make up for your delay, so email me and I'll hook you up with SIGNED copies! :))
TEXT OF COMIC:
Mmm, ham sammich.
Eating a pig is worse than eating a dog, you know. They're more intelligent.
But they're jerks, so it's okay.
Temple Grandin says that pigs can figure out all sorts of stuff. If the gate to their pen is activated by an electronic collar, and they want to open it when they're not wearing the collar, some pigs can recognize a collar they find lying in the mud, and pick it up and use it to open the gate.
See? Pigs are sneaky and devious. Evil and cunning.
If I ever have a pig, I'll name him Cunning-Ham.
Comic #1335
December 15 2013
MOUSEOVER TEXT: roll your eyes at me and I'll poke them out too
Alternatively she becomes blind by covering her glasses with too many fingerprints.
TEXT OF COMIC:
Oh, good! You found your glasses. You seemed pretty frantic this morning on the phone, when you were telling me you lost them.
Well, of course I was frantic. I can't see without them. Take them off and that wall clock is a barely visible lighter blotch on that light-colored wall. Take them off and that casserole dish on the counter could be a dead raccoon for all I know.
Someday I will be begging on the street, and someone will come up and ask me, "How did you become blind?" And I'll say, "I lost my glasses."
And then they'll say, "Pardon my incredulity, but how did losing your glasses cause both your eyeballs to be missing?"
And I'll say, "Well, when I had glasses, I was always compulsively adjusting them with a motion of my index and middle fingers that would poke my eyes out if I ever happened NOT to be wearing glasses..."
I see why you're so terrified of losing them.
Comic #1336
December 21 2013
MOUSEOVER TEXT: you can call me dude, just don't call me nude
Personally I'd rather be called by a usually-masculine word used in a gender-neutral way than be called by a word with a specific feminine ending.
Even the gender-neutral use of "man" and "he" doesn't bother me that much, since they actually originated as gender-neutral words, way back in Old English or whatever.
TEXT OF COMIC:
Guys need to stop calling me "dude."
I don't think they're calling you "dude," Norma. "Dude" is barely even a noun anymore-- it's become more of an interjection, like "Man!" or "Oh boy."
If someone said "Oh boy" to you, would you think they were calling you a boy?
No, but "dude" made the switch more recently, so it still feels wrong to me.
Would you rather they called you "dudette"?
Ugh. Okay, you're right.
Comic #1337
December 22 2013
MOUSEOVER TEXT: happy strip 1337
The only thing I clearly remember about growing my twelve-year molars is a weird lump of flesh that fell out of one of the tooth sockets during study hall.
Other than that, I just vaguely remember that it felt weird. Even now, my twelve-year molars still feel like something extra that was added as an afterthought. I still do most of my chewing with my six-year molars, as if my reflexes still haven't figured out that I have teeth behind them (which I should use, because they're newer and won't wear out as soon, and I think my older teeth need a break).
TEXT OF COMIC:
Ever wonder what it would be like to have a tail? Or wings?
Eh, sometimes, I guess. But you can't really know what it would be like.
Yeah, isn't that frustrating? You try to imagine the feeling, but your imagination is like, "forget it." Your brain doesn't even have the parts that govern the use and sensation of those extremities. Animals with tails and wings are capable of feelings your brain can't even begin to comprehend!
If science permitted you to have those body parts added, you'd need to upgrade your brain to go with it. Or maybe parts of your brain would adapt to take over those functions? Are there any humans who have gotten new body parts they didn't have before, and had to adapt to that? Sex change surgery, I guess.
And your twelve-year molars.
Wow, you're right! My twelve-year molars! I once grew four new body parts in places that didn't have body parts growing out of them before, and I DON'T EVEN REMEMBER what it felt like!
I am so mad at my twelve-year-old self!
Your twelve-year-old self had plenty of other things to worry about.
MOUSEOVER TEXT: happy strip 1337
Comic #1338
December 28 2013
MOUSEOVER TEXT: blame yourself, too, for being such a spoiled brat
Okay, so when I was a kid, my parents bought me this book in which a kid says "thank you" for a pair of jeans or something, and everyone says "don't thank me..." and the kid goes on to thank someone else farther back in the chain of events, and as you read the book you end up learning how jeans are made, AND at the end you learn that God, or Mother Nature or something, is to thank for every gift. This is my answer to those books.
TEXT OF COMIC:
Once upon a time there was a little girl whose mother gave her a toy for Christmas. Smiling eagerly, she pushed away the wrapping paper, peered inside the box and said,
Screw you, Mom. I asked for a Pokemon. This is a Bakugan.
Her mother turned to her and said,
Oh, don't blame me. I asked the guy at the store if it was a Pokemon, and he SAID yes.
So the little girl went to talk to the employee at the department store.
I blame you, mister employee. Because you told my mom this was a Pokemon, I got the wrong toy for Christmas.
And he replied,
Don't blame me. I was the only person working in the toy department and there were, like, five people asking me questions at once. When I said "yes" I don't even think I was talking to your mom.
I'm not even trained to work in the toy department, but they're making us all work outside our departments half the time, because they won't actually hire enough people to staff the whole store.
So the girl went to talk to his manager.
I blame you. Because you wouldn't hire enough people to run your store competently, I got the wrong toy for Christmas.
The manager answered,
Don't blame me. I'd love to have more employees working more hours. But I'm just the manager of this branch. The company's financial department is in charge of allotting hours for employees, and I do the best I can with what they give me.
So the girl went to talk to the financial department.
I blame you. Because you didn't make enough hours available for the employees at my local store, I got the wrong toy for Christmas.
The financial department said,
Don't blame us. The CEO of the company told us exactly how much we have to increase profits this year. And we can't increase profits by getting more customers, because we're such a big corporation that everyone who would ever buy from us is already buying from us.
So the only way to increase our profits is to screw over our employees, or our customers, or both. There wasn't any other way to accomplish the increase we were required to make.
And so the little girl went to talk to the CEO of the company.
I blame you. Because you insisted on increasing profits when you are already a huge corporation, I got the wrong toy for Christmas.
The CEO replied,
Don't blame me. The company can't keep going without the support of its stockholders. And the stockholders won't stay with us unless our profits keep increasing. I had no choice.
So the little girl found someone who owned stock in the company.
I blame you. Because you forced them to keep increasing their profits, I got the wrong toy for Christmas.
And the stockholder answered,
Don't blame me. If I keep my stock in a company that isn't getting more profitable, there's no point in having stocks at all. I'm not going to throw my money away like that. No stockholder is.
Why does it have to be that way?
I don't know. Laws of economics.
Where do laws of economics come from?
From laws of mathematics, I suppose. And human nature.
Where do those come from?
From God, I guess. Stop asking me all these questions!
So the girl went home,
found a quiet room,
sat down,
and said,
I blame you, God.
I blame you so very, very much.
Comic #1339
December 29 2013
MOUSEOVER TEXT: happy nerd year
This year we did get 11/12/13, and after 12/13/14, we won't see that again until next century. (If you write your dates with the month after the day, we won't even have that in 2014.)
TEXT OF COMIC:
Well, we're reaching the end of 2013.
New Year's was much more exciting when something big was changing. Like when the new year was 2000, or a palindrome like 2002, or when New Year's Day was 1/1/01.
Those are what you consider big things changing?
Yeah. Even last year ending was kind of cool, because December of 2012 was the last time this century that the three-matching-number thing was ever going to happen. We won't see that again until 1/1/2101.
You know, there was another thing that I noticed last New Year's, but nobody else seemed to.
Hmm?
When 2012 ended and 2013 started, I realized we've got four digits now.
We've had four digits since the year 1000.
No, we've had two or three digits, with some of them repeating. At least for the last quarter-century. 1987 was the last time we had a year with four DIFFERENT digits.
WHY DID YOU NOT TELL ME THIS? I could have been enjoying THAT for all of 2013!
Well, we can keep enjoying it until 2020.