- 
- 
- 
- 
- 
- 
- 
- 
- 
Abby and Norma
from 2016
Comic #1548
January 2 2016
MOUSEOVER TEXT: would be interesting to try and arrange all the Calvin and Hobbes strips in such a way that it made sense as being all within the same year
Happy 10 years of Abby and Norma!
Well, it will be, in a few days. (I just realized that it's kind of interesting how 6/1 is my birthday and 1/6 is the anniversary of this comic starting. Ron would be happy.)
TEXT OF COMIC:
Oh, holy crap, we're ten years old today.
What? How can we be in college if we're ten? This makes no sense. We were never THAT precocious.
Well, we were born as twenty-something college seniors, and we've been that way for ten years. It's Comic Time, Norma.
What do you mean, "it's comic time"? You don't have to announce that right now. We already started the comic.
No, I'm referring to the phenomenon known as "Comic Time."
What, are you talking about a font? Some weird mixture of Times and Comic Sans?
NO, I mean like how "Calvin and Hobbes" went on for ten years, with ten Christmases and everything, but the kid stayed six years old for the whole thing.
Wait, we're as old as Calvin and Hobbes? Awesome!
We've done a lot fewer strips, though, so it doesn't count.
Comic #1549
January 3 2016
MOUSEOVER TEXT: abby got the lion's share of the imaginativeness
THANK YOU, JENNIFER. And the other patron too!
Anyone else who wants to help out, the Patreon is still up!
https://www.patreon.com/abbyandnorma
TEXT OF COMIC:
Wow, that was close.
What?
That last comic was going to be our last one.
What comic?
Oh, your fourth-wall awareness from yesterday has worn off already. You're no fun.
Well, as for me, I still know I'm a comic strip character, and I'm incredibly relieved that our creator changed her mind and DIDN'T end the comic yesterday like she'd been planning to.
Someone was going to end a comic yesterday? Huh? Why?
Because she has too little time and too many projects, and the comic was one of the ones that didn't make money. She was about to leave it so she could spend her time on more lucrative things. She didn't want to, but it just wasn't worth it. She had this whole sad announcement written out.
So why didn't she?
Someone came along and donated to the Patreon. It gave her an excuse to give us another chance. You owe this generous person your CONTINUED EXISTENCE!
You have a very overactive imagination.
Only because I am generated by one.
Comic #1550
January 9 2016
MOUSEOVER TEXT: don't cry over spilt tea
having a metal teapot removes at least a couple of those bad things
TEXT OF COMIC:
What happened to your carpet?
I dropped my teapot on it yesterday.
Aw. That sucks.
Yes.
Dropping a teapot is awful. The tea spills, which in turn has three separate awful effects: there's a stain on the floor, and anyone it splashed on gets burned, AND the tea you wanted to drink is lost.
And the pot breaks, which has its own three separate awful effects: there's a mess to clean up, and every shard runs the risk of injuring someone, AND you've lost a valuable cooking implement.
In terms of the number of individual bad things that occur as a result, dropping a teapot is the single worst thing that can happen in this world.
I think you're exaggerating, but I'll forgive you because tea deprivation is a powerful extenuating circumstance.
Comic #1551
January 10 2016
MOUSEOVER TEXT: apparently the quarter horse actually got its name from being good at running quarter-mile races
Hybrids sometimes can reproduce, but it's always genetically weird somehow. (See: New Mexico whiptail lizard.)
TEXT OF COMIC:
So, a mule is a hybrid of a horse and donkey. And since it's a hybrid, people often assume it's infertile.
And most mules are, but occasionally one can reproduce. Its offspring is sometimes genetically the same as a full-blooded horse or donkey, and sometimes it's a mosaic of cells with different numbers of chromosomes.
Does that depend on whether it breeds with another mule, or with a donkey or a horse?
Maybe. I'll have to look that up.
Hey, you know what you get when a mule has babies with a donkey?
I told you, I'm looking...
A quarter horse!
Ha ha.
Comic #1552
January 16 2016
MOUSEOVER TEXT: if you lawyers out there steal this idea i will sue you
based on a real billboard i saw. my mind is overactive.
TEXT OF COMIC:
I saw a billboard advertising some grocery store, with some pictures of apples and oranges on it, saying "Juicy Fruit (tm) isn't necessarily gum."
It said it like that, with the (tm) after it.
Well, I guess they were trying to avoid being sued by the Juicy Fruit gum makers, by acknowledging that it was a trademark.
But they weren't saying that the gum makers owned the trademark! They were saying that Juicy Fruit (tm) ISN'T necessarily gum.
They were claiming that at least SOME trademarked "Juicy Fruit" was the produce they sold in their grocery store! They were unjustly claiming to have at least partial OWNERSHIP of the Juicy Fruit trademark!
If I were the gum company, I'd sue the pants off them!
I'm sure someday corporations will be champing at the bit to hire you for your skills at litigating against rivals for things they did in an ATTEMPT to AVOID litigation.
It's a huge untapped market for lawyers!
Comic #1553
January 17 2016
MOUSEOVER TEXT: orange juice is just too delicious
I guess she let her fridge get too cold again.
In other news: I've been thinking about Wikipedia.
Specifically, I'm wondering if I'm "notable" enough to have a Wikipedia page about me. Not for the "Abby and Norma" comic or my handmade jewelry or my silly bird pictures... I'm definitely not famous enough for those things. But:
-I am a published author, one of the earlier ones to publish an autobiography about being autistic.
The first edition of "Born on the Wrong Planet" was published in 2004 (by my first publisher; the less said about them the better) and was mentioned on this relatively short list (made in 2010) of autobiographical writings by autistic people.
-I speak at schools and support groups about my experiences. I was the kickoff speaker at the Minnesota Autism Society's annual conference in 2005, and my husband John and I have done lots of speeches since then, in the Twin Cities and suburbs, and occasionally places as distant as Duluth and Wisconsin. We haven't done national tours or anything, only the Midwest area.
-I've been mentioned in a few news articles, including one in the St Paul Pioneer Press.
-With John, I've written a science fiction novel that's been reviewed in Analog Magazine:
Analog "
-There actually is a Wikipedia page that mentions me: the page for the Machine of Death anthology of which I'm one of the writers:
But I'm not sure if this all adds up to enough "notability" for Wikipedia's standards. I haven't won any awards (besides minor ones in school and college), I haven't introduced any new ideas or discoveries that have become widely known, and I'm not famous enough that anyone else has decided to make a Wikipedia page for me.
I know it's very much discouraged to make a page about yourself on Wikipedia, and in any case I wouldn't want anyone to go to the trouble of making a page about me and then have it deleted for not being notable enough.
TEXT OF COMIC:
Are you having ANOTHER glass of orange juice? You've had, like, four. That is really superfluous.
Ooh! My orange juice is acting like a superfluid? One of those extra-cold liquids that follow totally different laws of physics?
You know that's not what "superfluous" means.
Oh, then it comes from "super" meaning "above" and "fluous" meaning "flowing"? Are you saying it flows upward? Hey, that's also something superfluids do!
I can see your cup runneth over.
Comic #1554
January 17 2016
MOUSEOVER TEXT: but really it's a perfect fit, why else would human stomachs be shaped like human stomachs
To eat the flesh of humans who consented to it in their wills... this is the only ethical form of meat eating
TEXT OF COMIC:
Public service announcement! Many vegetarians view animals as equal to humans in value.
So when you say "I'm okay with you being a vegetarian as long as you're not preachy about it," from their perspective, it sounds like "I'm okay with you not killing and eating humans, as long as you don't try to convince me to stop doing it."
When interacting with vegetarians, use that simple method to evaluate what you say. "Just pick the pepperoni off your pizza before eating it" sounds like "Just pick the human corpse pieces off your pizza before eating it."
"It's natural. Lions eat antelopes in the wild" sounds like, "It's natural. Spiders eat their mates in the wild."
"It's impossible to live without indirectly causing some animal deaths, like the bugs that farmers killed in order to grow vegetables... so you might as well eat meat" sounds like, "It's impossible to live without indirectly causing some human deaths, like the people who starved because of money you didn't donate to charity... so you might as well eat people."
Yes! Exactly.
"How can you be a vegetarian if you eat eggs?" sounds like "How can you be a non-cannibal if you eat unfertilized human ova?"
Umm...
"Most meat livestock species would go extinct if they stopped being raised for meat" sounds like "Most humans would go extinct if we stopped eating each other."
That's not...
"We evolved to eat meat, look at our canine teeth" sounds like "We evolved to rip out humans' stomachs and eat them. Look at our perfectly human-stomach-shaped stomachs!"
You're not helping.
Comic #1555
January 24 2016
MOUSEOVER TEXT: so they probably did
Based closely on a true story with my bank. Banks are jerks.
TEXT OF COMIC:
I got charged an ATM fee for using the ATM at my own bank!
Seriously? Isn't the bank only supposed to charge a fee if you use a machine that's NOT theirs?
Yeah, but this time it glitched or something. I got charged three dollars.
I went to the bank and asked the teller about it. She said she didn't know why it happened, and they couldn't do anything about it there, and I would have to call customer support.
Did you?
No, I decided three dollars wasn't worth talking to uncooperative strangers for an hour on the phone. My time's worth at least minimum wage.
But it's disturbing how easily a bank can use that fact to net an extra few million dollars. If you've got about twelve million customers, just charge about a quarter of them one unwarranted fee, and most of them won't even contest it because it's too freakin' small to be worth it. Instant bonus for the CEO!
You think they did this on purpose?
My point is they know very, very well that they COULD do it and get away with it.
Comic #1556
January 30 2016
MOUSEOVER TEXT: when I was little, i did walk to school, about two blocks, but the whole way was very boringly flat
I currently ride my bike to work on a route that has some uphill both ways and some downhill both ways. But luckily the way there has more downhill than uphill, and the way back has more uphill than downhill, so if I'm having a bad day for hill-climbing, I'm at more risk of getting home late than getting to work late.
TEXT OF COMIC:
When you were little, did you have to walk to school?
Yup. Two whole blocks. Uphill both ways.
That's not really possible.
Yes it is... because it was ALSO downhill both ways.
That is contradictory and even LESS possi... Oh.
Most routes have both some uphill and some downhill. It's just a matter of whether you're an optimist or a pessimist.
Comic #1557
January 31 2016
MOUSEOVER TEXT: theoretically possible that the aim was off and they moved DIAGONALLY left, and ended up under Ron's clothes
Will Abby's idea help, or does this thing only work on the hostess?
TEXT OF COMIC:
Okay, so what magical powers are you attributing to your remote control this time?
Remote control? This is, in fact, one of the early generators of finite improbability, a precursor to the Infinite Improbability Drive.
Here we go again.
It is capable of making the hostess's undergarments leap simultaneously one foot to the left, in accordance with the theory of indeterminacy.
You're in my dorm. I'm the hostess.
Yup, so I'll just point it at you, and...
My undergarments don't seem to be materializing over there.
Ha! That proves you weren't wearing any!
(Ron and Hans laugh)
You poor undergarmentless thing. Hold on, dear, I'll point it at myself so you'll have mine.
Comic #1558
February 6 2016
MOUSEOVER TEXT: sometimes getting drunk creates a human life
I agree that children don't automatically owe their parents anything, since they entered the "contract" without their consent and while extremely underage. But Abby and her mom are such identically stubborn jerkfaces, I'm sometimes surprised they don't get along better.
TEXT OF COMIC:
When are you coming to visit?
Why do you want me to visit? You don't even like me.
I love you!
No you don't. You love your idea of what you want me to be, but you hate the way I actually am. I'm not going to change, Mom. So why would you even want me around?
I want YOU to show that you're thankful to me for giving you LIFE!
I didn't ask for life. You're acting like some creepy guy at a bar who expects me to fall in love with him just 'cause he bought me drinks without even asking me if I wanted them.
Fine. I'll ask. DO you like being alive?
Yes. But now you're acting like a creepy guy who buys me drinks I didn't ask for, forces me to drink them, and then, once I'm DRUNK, asks me if I liked the drinks--
And you're acting as if LIFE is a mind-altering substance.
It is.
It's a mind-CREATING substance.
Same thing.
Comic #1559
February 7 2016
MOUSEOVER TEXT: or, y'know, the abusive boss who made me do it
Getting bruises from your job is the worst, because unlike a boyfriend, you can't leave a job until you have another one lined up, and most of them are pretty much equally abusive.
TEXT OF COMIC:
Arrgh, I hate it when I have to clean underneath the bookshelves. How does all this crap even get under... I can't even reach, I'm gonna bruise my arm on the... Ow! Friggin' bookshelves.
Excuse me?
Yes? Can I help you?
I'm looking for... Oh my gosh, your arms are covered in bruises!
Yeah, I...
Poor girl. Here's the number of a domestic abuse hotline.
Well, thank you... It's cool that you're concerned about that stuff and want to help.
However, I find it interesting that you saw someone cleaning underneath a bookshelf, noticed that this person had bruises, and your first assumption was that it was domestic abuse.
If anything, it proves you have never had to clean under a bookshelf in your life.
Does your hotline provide help in prosecuting the abusive jerk who invented bookshelves that don't automatically clean under themselves?
I'd have to ask.
Comic #1560
February 13 2016
MOUSEOVER TEXT: I, Ron, am a nori.
that palindrome even puts the apostrophes in the right places
TEXT OF COMIC:
I went to the Korean restaurant and they have these great sushi rolls.
Korean sushi? I thought sushi was just a Japanese thing.
Well, I don't know if it's called "sushi" in Korean, but it sure looks like it. Stuff wrapped in rice and nori seaweed sheets. It's delicious.
Hmm. My favorite Asian cuisine is usually Vietnamese. I wonder if there's any Vietnamese sushi.
Iron Man's 'Nam nori!
Yeah, Ron. Tony Stark totally lives in Vietnam and eats sushi seaweed. Now there's an alternate comicverse.
Iron Chef, maybe.
Comic #1561
February 14 2016
MOUSEOVER TEXT: happy valentines day
I can't tell if I have a dog or an absence of a dog. If it's a dog, it's probably an invisible intangible one.
TEXT OF COMIC:
I broke up with my boyfriend.
Oh really.
He made it clear that I am worth less to him than a dog.
Hmm?
He wanted me to move in with him in his house off campus. But he has a dog, and I told him I wouldn't live with a dog. I said unless he got rid of the dog, we're through.
And he wouldn't get rid of the dog. So I left him, because I don't want a man who would choose a dog over me. No animal should be more important than a human relationship.
But to you, it was.
Me? No, I...
The dog was more important than the relationship to BOTH of you. It wasn't just him. Either one of you was willing to end your relationship over the dog.
The only difference was that he wanted to keep the dog, and you wanted to get rid of the dog.
He may have valued you less than a dog, but you valued him less than the ABSENCE of a dog.
The absence of a dog is better than a dog.
If you feel that way, then that romance was clearly not meant to be.
Comic #1562
February 20 2016
MOUSEOVER TEXT: driving upside down is bad for the road and your roof; don't do it
This happened to me the other night. Except I ALSO imagined that it was for sale on Amazon.com, and it had one-star reviews from people who were disappointed that it wasn't actually upside-down as pictured in the listing.
TEXT OF COMIC:
I need sleep. I am starting to have the kinds of thoughts that usually only occur in dreams.
Hmm?
I just imagined a bumper sticker with the text printed upside-down, and it says "If you can read this, stop driving upside-down."
Ha.
And then I imagined someone putting it on their car the wrong way around, so the letters were right-side-up, and everyone behind them getting really confused.
I think confusing the drivers behind you is a bad idea.
Comic #1563
February 21 2016
MOUSEOVER TEXT: sorry for just reusing an old tumblr post of mine
such as shots, distillation, the hair of a dog, and sex on a beach
TEXT OF COMIC:
Why did nightcaps go out of style?
Huh?
You know, nightcaps, to wear on your head while sleeping, like in old pictures? "Ma in her kerchief and I in my cap/ had just settled down for a long winter's nap"?
I guess they were originally intended for keeping your head warm in winter, so they went out of style when heated homes became a thing.
But! There are still those of us who do not always have good heating in our homes... and/or don't see the point in wasting money and energy keeping the house toasty warm when we are, y'know, in bed under a blanket.
For another thing, nightcaps ALSO add another cozy layer of softness on top of the pillow.
And, if your sleeping environment is a bit noisy or bright, a good thick nightcap can perform the functions of earplugs and an eye mask at the same time!
And despite being out of style, they are still oh-so-easy to get, because any nice soft winter hat can be a nightcap.
So, this is it! I'm bringing nightcaps back!
Yeah, and everyone you try to tell about it will think you're talking about alcohol.
That is a flaw of many subjects I could try to discuss.
Comic #1564
February 27 2016
MOUSEOVER TEXT: nobody has bootstraps anymore anyway
I personally suspect that the phrase was not invented by the type of people who use it today, but rather by someone recounting a remarkable rags-to-riches story, who chose a physically impossible analogy in order to emphasize how astonishing the success story was.
TEXT OF COMIC:
I know it's a guilty pleasure, but for some reason I really love time-travel causal loops.
What?
You know, causal loops, like when you travel back in time and cause yourself to be born. Also known as the Bootstrap Paradox.
Bootstrap?
Yeah, as in "pull yourself up by your bootstraps." In that metaphor, the thing you're pulling yourself up by is part of what's being pulled up. So it's a loop, kind of like an event causing itself.
I wonder who coined that saying, "pull yourself up by your bootstraps."
I mean, who sat down and thought, "I need a metaphor for something I think every person has the ability to do, a method I expect everybody to use to better themselves. I know! I'll use something so obviously impossible that there's a paradox named after it!"
Except the paradox was named AFTER that saying was coined.
Comic #1565
February 28 2016
MOUSEOVER TEXT: If it really is the blood of Christ he must have a very unusual blood type.
in Your goodness You give us bread, the fruit of the earth, and wine, the fruit of the vein
TEXT OF COMIC:
Good essay, but you spelled "in vain" wrong.
Oh? Should it be spelled "v-a-n-e," like a weathervane?
No, it should be "v-a-i-n."
I thought that was when it meant being conceited. I meant it like being useless.
That spelling is for both the "conceited" and "useless" meanings. But you spelled it with an "e," like a blood vessel.
Well, maybe I was talking about something useless in a blood vessel!
If you got a blood transfusion of communion wine, would that be taking the Lord's name in vein?
Comic #1566
March 5 2016
MOUSEOVER TEXT: maybe pee IN a cup
A cup for your eyeballs. Reinforced blindfold. Like a jockstrap, but for different balls.
Protects them in the event of a collision, but increases the chance of collisions happening.
TEXT OF COMIC:
Hey, Karen! How do you spell "icup"?
"Eye-cup?" What's that? A cup for your eyeballs?
No, not like "eyeballs." Like the pronoun "I," and then the word "cup."
Hmm. I guess that would be spelled "I-C-U-P."
HAHAHA! You just said--
I SEE YOU PEE! Oh my gosh, I SEE YOU PEE! You're PEEING all OVER the place!
No I'm not! Stop it!
YOU stop it! Stop PEEING everywhere! That's DISGUSTING!
Not so loud! We're in public!
YES, we're in PUBLIC, so you shouldn't be PEEING all over EVERYPLACE, that's--
Stop it! SHUT UP!
The point of that joke was for ME to embarrass YOU!
I AM SORRY THAT DIDN'T WORK OUT FOR YOU.
Comic #1567
March 6 2016
MOUSEOVER TEXT: he never will
The weird thing is I don't think the word "starling" is actually related to the word "star." A starling is called "Star" in German, but that's different from the German word for "star," which is "Stern." Wikipedia's page on the common starling says, "The Old English staer, later stare, and the Latin sturnus are both derived from an unknown Indo-European root dating back to the second millennium BC."
TEXT OF COMIC:
Wow, your bird's adult plumage has really come in.
Yup.
From a distance starlings look black, but up close you can see so much more. The little white specks, and then the iridescence like an oil slick or something, all different colors all over him.
He's a space bird. Made of blackness, stars and colorful nebulae. He's my own little universe, aren't you, Polyphemus?
Abby suffers from social disabilities.
Don't you forget it.
Comic #1568
March 12 2016
MOUSEOVER TEXT: number three is the food he splattered around while eating
Birds mix their wastes... the white stuff you see in bird droppings is as close as they get to number one. (Except when they've had a LOT of water to drink; then sometimes it's still liquid.)
TEXT OF COMIC:
It's time to scrub this table again.
Yeah. If you're going to have a bird flying around your dorm, you have to clean things more often.
I should put down towels or sheets or something, to protect the couch at least.
Yeah. Though he already did a number on it.
And on the chairs. And the carpet.
He did a number on everything. And that number is, overwhelmingly, number two.
Do birds even have number one?
Comic #1569
March 13 2016
MOUSEOVER TEXT: or she could drag the bike over to the sidewalk, push the button and cross when it says walk... and hope the button actually speeds up the light's cycle, not like some of the ones around here
I bet this really is the reason some cyclists run red lights. I don't, because I'm hyper-aware of how easily I could get killed on my fragile little bike in a road full of big scary cars. But I know I feel VEeRRRY uncomfortable waiting for a light in front of a vehicle that could easily crush me, and whose driver is probably very annoyed that I can't go as fast as he can.
Also explains why cyclists sometimes ride on sidewalks, even in places where it's illegal. The pedestrians don't want you there, but the motorists don't want you in the road, and if you can't make them both happy, you've got a lot of incentive to choose the ones who have the power to squash you if they aren't happy.
All I can say is we gotta look to Holland as an example. They've got separate bike paths EVERYWHERE and it's awesome.
TEXT OF COMIC:
Well, this is just great.
The ONE bike ride where this light is red for me, it's the same day that I just HAPPEN to be stuck in front of Cathy and her friend in her SUV.
This light is taking FOREVER!
That's because you're on a BICYCLE in the STREET in front of my CAR, buttnerd! The light can't change when the sensor can't tell that there's a car here!
Not to mention the indignity of it all! ME, having to wait behind a NERD on a BIKE! You don't belong on the street! I could so easily just roll over you and squash you to a bloody pulp!
Okay, FINE. I'll just go.
Uggh. Cyclists. Always running red lights.
Barbarians.
Comic #1570
March 19 2016
MOUSEOVER TEXT: really really big newspapers
Yes, this is how life with a starling really is.
TEXT OF COMIC:
Okay, I'm back from the thrift store. I have enough bedsheets to protect every surface in this dorm, with multiple backups!
Did you buy any of those sixty-dollar chair and couch covers?
No way! You can fashion a makeshift cover for an armchair or couch, by knotting all four corners of a flat sheet. Just toss the sheet over the chair, tuck loose fabric into the cushions, and the whole thing is protected!
I made about a dozen of them, all different colors. I'll put several on each chair, one on top of another, so cleaning is as easy as pulling off the top one and tossing it in the wash.
Great. Your furniture is now cosplaying as a bunch of color-changing, skin-shedding lizards.
The toughest part will be protecting the floor. I will need to think carefully about this.
Comic #1571
March 20 2016
MOUSEOVER TEXT: well they ARE
I know I'm making a starling seem like a real hassle to keep. But honestly, it's one of the easiest birds to care for. All birds make messes. And a starling's messes are nothing compared to the biting and screaming you get from a parrot. Seriously, a parrot can take your finger off if it wants to. And cause hearing loss. And they haven't been bred in captivity very long, so they don't have any strong instinct not to hurt humans, like dogs do. Virtually all of them bite sometimes.
Parrots can be adorable, don't get me wrong, but don't get one if you aren't prepared to deal with pain.
TEXT OF COMIC:
So why does the bird fly around loose, anyway? He has a cage.
The cage is for sleeping, and being safe when I'm away. But starlings need to fly around with their loved ones. They're incredibly social birds. It would be cruel to keep him in the cage and never let him out to interact with us.
So could you clip his wings? Then he'd only poop on you and whatever you set him on.
Parrots can get by okay with clipped wings, because they climb more than they fly anyway. Starlings CAN'T climb. Taking away their ability to fly would be incredibly mean.
But is it worth it? The bird droppings all over your dorm? Having to cover everything with sheets?
It doesn't really bother me at all. Bird poop isn't gross.
I think it is.
Well, you're illogical. It doesn't even have a smell.
Now, when yeast microorganisms evacuate their waste, THAT smells awful. And yet people go and DRINK it.
For someone with such a bizarre life, you make a convincing argument that the rest of the humans are the crazy ones.
Comic #1572
March 26 2016
MOUSEOVER TEXT: apparently sclera can also mean scar or lesion, which is the real origin of the disease name
I think Abby doesn't actually want to be paid for it, because losing her amateur status would mean she couldn't compete in the linguistic olympics.
But, really, if Abby's going to analyze words based on the origins of their parts, she should be using "amateur" to mean "lover," not "one who does something without being paid." (Though there is, of course, a certain connection between those. She must truly be a lover of linguistics if she volunteers to do it without financial gain.)
TEXT OF COMIC:
So what is multiple sclerosis, exactly?
Well, etymologically it should mean "the condition of having more than one sclera."
What's "sclera"?
The white of your eye.
So if you have more than one eye, you have multiple sclerosis.
Yup.
Note to self: for medical information, ask a doctor, not an amateur linguist.
I WOULDN'T be an amateur if you'd PAY me for these consultations.
Comic #1573
March 27 2016
MOUSEOVER TEXT: if you were trying for twins and got only one kid, is that kid half-planned?
I think the latest an embryo can split into twins is in the late blastocyst stage, around 8 days after fertilization. Unlikely that Sharon's mom found out about the pregnancy before then. But in any case, the positive pregnancy test wouldn't indicate a particular one of the twins. The chemicals it checks for are hormones present in the mother's body during pregnancy, not something produced by a specific embryo.
I guess the better question would be, when did she find out it was twins, and was it on an ultrasound, and, if so, whose picture did she see first on it? (And is there any way to know, at this point? I mean, they look exactly alike, and they had plenty of time to switch positions between then and birth.)
TEXT OF COMIC:
That's mine!
No, mine!
You don't deserve it! Mom never wanted you! You were an unplanned pregnancy!
We're twins! How could one of us be unplanned and the other not be?
Um, duh! Mom got pregnant on purpose, but she was only trying for ONE kid! Obviously one of us was unplanned, and it sure wasn't me!
Why not? What's so much better about you?
I'm smarter!
And Mom doesn't LIKE smart people, so obviously I'm the one she wanted!
Argh! We're looking at this the wrong way. Which of us surprised her? Which one of us did she KNOW about first?
Well, you were born like a minute earlier, but...
But when she first found out she was pregnant, it was for both of us, not just one.
In fact, when she found out she was pregnant, we might have still been the same embryo, before we split apart.
In any case, I guess it's pretty clear that unsplit embryo is the one she REALLY wanted.
And if it divided into the two of us, then we can combine back into it, if we really want to!
Karen!
Sharon!
Unite! Shar-Kar-Duo-Zord, GO!
(they walk up to their mom, Karen on Sharon's shoulders, in a coat)
Mom! It's me, the daughter you always wished for!
Um... okay?
(voice from stomach of coat) I think I've got a split personality, though.
Comic #1574
April 2 2016
MOUSEOVER TEXT: Poe-pecia is less easy to make a joke out of.
I was trying to find a context for this pun all the years I worked in a pharmacy, and then along came "The Force Awakens" and it was the best day of my life.
(...and a few minutes after I came up with this one, I thought of a much dirtier finasteride pun, also starring Finn and Poe, but I saved that one for Tumblr.)
TEXT OF COMIC:
Okay, so Finn the stormtrooper takes off his helmet, and looks in the mirror.
Wha? Oh, it's a joke.
He realizes he really doesn't have much hair, and he'd like to grow it out.
Okay.
But he tries, and it doesn't grow. So he starts taking Propecia, the male-pattern-baldness drug.
Um...
And after a few days, he says to Poe Dameron, "Do you think it's growing in yet?" And Poe says to him, "No, you're STILL really bald. Your head looks like a moon."
Ouch.
And Finn says, "That's no moon..."
Oh lord.
"...It's a FINN-ASTEROID."
...What?
It's FUNNY because FINASTERIDE is the GENERIC NAME of PROPECIA.
Is there any way you can become LESS knowledgeable about medications, so the rest of us can keep up with your jokes?
Comic #1575
April 3 2016
MOUSEOVER TEXT: ancient irish lullaby
Jekyll rocks a comic book, and Hydroxyzine.
TEXT OF COMIC:
O, we've got three little babies
called Jim an' Paul an' Dean,
One is two and one is four
and one is seventeen.
They love to drink their bottles
and eat and wear their bibs,
And playin' in their playpens
and sleepin' in their cribs.
None o' them have learnt to walk,
they only crawl and creep,
And none o' them stop cryin'
until they're rocked to sleep.
O, goodnight, little Jimmy!
Goodnight, Paul and Dean!
Ma rocks the babies,
and Paroxetine.
Thank you all! Thanks for tuning into the podcast that can make any medication name into a song!
If you keep doing this I swear I'M gonna need some antidepressants.
Comic #1576
April 9 2016
MOUSEOVER TEXT: the human method is 'eat whatever is worst for you'
This is a real problem with starlings. Seriously, keep them away from anything that would hurt them if they swallowed it, because they WILL.
TEXT OF COMIC:
What's that little thing on the table?
Oh! I think that's a bead. I was making a necklace and I must've missed one. Here, let me--
Aaah! Your bird just ate it!
Hey! Polyphemus!
...Aaaand it came back up again. Wow. Is that normal?
Yeah.
Every type of animal has its own way of deciding what's good to eat and what isn't. The starling method seems to be "Eat EVERYTHING, and then vomit up whatever isn't good."
Yikes. Remind me not to do any crafts involving needles when I'm here.
Comic #1577
April 10 2016
MOUSEOVER TEXT: i dropped the mike. mike is my new baby. he was never the same again.
"How does it feel to be using technology to criticize other people's use of technology instead of using it to actually enjoy yourself?"
(I don't know, because to me, using technology to criticize others is synonymous with enjoying myself.)
TEXT OF COMIC:
Well, today has been interesting.
How so?
I was in the quad browsing the internet on my phone, and some REPORTER comes up to me.
Really?
Yeah. He was doing some feature on college kids spending too much time on their phones. He had a cameraman and everything.
Huh.
He asked me, "How does it feel to be isolated by technology instead of interacting with real people?"
Good Lord.
I said that I WAS interacting with real people at that moment, and the difference was that they were people I actually had stuff in common with, instead of random people I was settling for because they happened to be physically nearby.
Wow.
Yeah.
I hope you dropped the mic after saying that.
He was holding the mic in my face. To drop it, I'd have to have punched him.
Like I said. I'd love to have seen that.
Comic #1578
April 16 2016
MOUSEOVER TEXT: do you have any idea how hard they were to get; they aren't even in season
"Revenge is a dish best served cold" is not, actually, a Klingon proverb, unless the Klingons and the French both developed it independently. It dates back to at least 1846, with Eugene Sue's "Memoirs of Matilda" (though the even earlier French source appears to be made up).
"Revenge is sweet" goes back a lot farther, though.
TEXT OF COMIC:
Abby! Have you been raiding my fridge?
Um... why do you ask, Norma?
The bag of plums I JUST BOUGHT is missing.
Oh. Yeah. Forgive me. They were so sweet. And so cold. And also I couldn't resist the chance to quote that poem.
Ugh. I am going to get you back for this, Abby. You know what else is "sweet?" You know what else is "best served cold"?
Um... your ice cream? Which I also ate?
ABBY!!!
Comic #1579
April 17 2016
MOUSEOVER TEXT: the penis, in turn, quit its job because it was tired of working for pee and nuts
As always.
TEXT OF COMIC:
You know how sometimes jokes build on other jokes?
Like when you have to know the older joke to understand the newer riff on it? Like the chicken that crossed the ocean "to get to the other tide"?
Yeah. There's also the elephant that quit its job because "it was tired of working for peanuts," punning on the use of "peanuts" to mean "a small wage," and the followup joke about why Charlie Brown quit his job.
Ha.
And then the prostitute who quit her job because she was tired of working--
What point were you trying to make about these jokes, again?
None. Just fabricating an excuse to tell them.
Comic #1580
April 23 2016
MOUSEOVER TEXT: bitter on twitter
Abby is arrogant enough to assume she really was the first person to come up with each idea she posted. Or at least that she deserves the attention more than someone who came up with it even later than she did.
TEXT OF COMIC:
Abby, this morning I was reading some tweets by a bunch of different Twitter celebrities I follow, and browsing through people's replies to them.
Good to see you making productive use of your time.
And I noticed that nearly all of them had a reply from you, saying "Please give credit to the sources you quote" and a link back to some post on your own Twitter.
So?
Is this all you do with your Twitter account these days?
Yes.
I've given up on being a clever blogger. I was brilliant, but nobody noticed.
And then, inevitably, some other person would come up with the same clever ideas I had, and everyone would shower them with praise because they were more famous than me.
So I've resorted to passive-aggressively sending them links to my earlier posts of the same stuff, and accusing them of stealing it.
I know they didn't do it on purpose, but they got attention that I DESERVED for saying it FIRST, so it gives me some satisfaction to make them uncomfortable.
You are an amazingly bitter person.
I said that already, in tweet #3855. Please give credit to your sources.
Comic #1581
April 24 2016
MOUSEOVER TEXT: etymologically, lobotomy could just mean getting your ears pierced
Cathy actually does feel that Abby is hilarious, and feels it so strongly that she couldn't help saying it. But to preserve her own air of superiority, she had to stifle her laugh and infuse her voice with a tone of sarcasm. She is sadly trapped in her own self-image.
TEXT OF COMIC:
I'm depressed.
Get drunk. It helps.
No. You're awful.
Ever hear the saying, "Better to have a bottle in fronta me than a frontal lobotomy?"
That's a great pun, but terrible advice. Self-medicating with alcohol doesn't help depression.
But it IS better than a lobotomy, which is what they used to do for depression.
That's not saying much, that it's better than committing physical VIOLENCE to deliberately cause BRAIN DAMAGE.
But it's all in the wording, I guess. It would be an okay saying if it said "almost as bad," instead of "better."
We don't need sayings that condone unhealthy behaviors by saying they aren't as awful as causing deliberate injury. We need ones that compare them by saying BOTH those things are bad.
For example, to compare the action of eating artery-clogging foods to the action of shooting live ammo at yourself from a gun, you could say, "An ill artery isn't much better than art-illery."
You're hilarious.
Comic #1582
April 30 2016
MOUSEOVER TEXT: no heir to inherit my wibbly wobbly timey wimey stuff
From time to time my brain tries to make up more lyrics to the infamous Doctor Who/Doc Brown rap battle on Youtube, and the ones it came up with today are:
I was born of woman; I'm the fruit of a womb.
Your mama don't exist; you're the Fruit of the Loom!
TEXT OF COMIC:
Ahhh! Goodbye, my faithful companion.
What?
It is the end for me, Norma. Even a Time lord must die.
What?
So you're a Time Lord, huh. Well, if you're dying, then shut up and regenerate.
I have no more regenerations. I am dying, Norma. I have no heir.
Can't you guys breathe through respiratory bypass or something?
No HEIR, to inherit my stuff.
Oh. Sorry to hear that.
How do I make one?
I dunno, isn't there some Classic Who episode that says you reproduce with some sort of loom?
Yes! That's it! Get me a loom, Norma! So that I may create an heir!
... An HEIR LOOM.
Is there no limit to what you'll do to set up a pun?
Comic #1583
May 1 2016
you must now defeat your seven evil exes, including ex-friends. with an ax.
Abby's podcast is not actually sponsored by any drug company, she just wants her one-and-a-half viewers to think it's popular enough to have a sponsor.
TEXT OF COMIC:
And now, children, an educational song about staying safe from strangers!
Oh no.
Oh if you're walking home, please never walk alone,
For a friend can defend you from doom!
Yes, always bring a buddy or you could end up bloody
From a killer with an ax in the gloom!
Wow, Abby.
If you've got any sense you'll have some defense
From somebody trusted and known...
So if you meet an ax you'll survive more attacks
than if you Metaxalone.
Holy crap.
Thank you! This episode of the Podcast that can Turn Any Medication Name into a Song is brought to you by Metaxalone, a muscle relaxant, generic for Skelaxin! Wow, that's a lot of X's! I guess it's also brought to you by the letter X!
If you're only being my friend in case I can somehow protect you from ax murderers, I am going to be your ex-friend pretty soon.
Comic #1584
May 7 2016
MOUSEOVER TEXT: you can pry the original spelling of doughnut from my cold dead hands
one may ask why "everybody wins" in Abby's second example, when she is only stating ways in which the child-haver benefits. the answer is that not having any kids is so awesome it counts as winning regardless of any other circumstances.
TEXT OF COMIC:
Let's all stop criticizing our friends for liking things we don't like, okay?
There is nothing bad about that! In fact, it is mutually beneficial!
You have a friend who loves jelly doughnuts, and you think they're the grossest thing ever? Great! Whenever there are doughnuts, you are guaranteed not to compete for the same ones! Both of you get to eat your favorite doughnuts and everybody's happy! Why would you complain about this??
You want to have children and you can't comprehend why your friend doesn't want to? Jackpot! Your friend is guaranteed not to raise any kids that will compete with YOUR kids for scarce resources like food, water, teachers' attention and high-paying jobs! In fact, your friend's lack of kids may mean she has more time to help with yours! EVERYBODY WINS.
Your friend loves Star Trek and you love anything BUT Star Trek? Congrats! You'll never have to watch TV together! You can spend your life alone with your own TV and have the WHOLE SCREEN to yourself!
Norma...
Your friend likes to commit random serial murders, and you just don't see the point? No problem! You'll never annoy your friend by stealing his kills! And he'll get to kill so much that he won't have time to interfere with ANY of your activities! Unless he happens to kill the other friends you do them with! Whoops!
You're not helping.
Your friend thinks derailing the conversation is helpful and you think it isn't? Yay! Your annoyance only serves to reassure her that the conversation has been successfully derailed! You're such a good pal!
Shut up.
Comic #1585
May 8 2016
MOUSEOVER TEXT: we all choose our own meanings for music
that is a real song and it is awful.
TEXT OF COMIC:
Doo, doo, doo doo, lookin' out my back door!
What does that song mean?
To me, it means that I have to poop so bad that it's poking out my butt.
WHY WOULD YOU GIVE THAT ANSWER??
BECAUSE YOU ASKED THAT QUESTION.
Comic #1586
May 14 2016
MOUSEOVER TEXT: Whenever you ask for something and someone answers 'I don't know, can you?' that should be taken as an invitation to give yourself permission. Norma should have just said 'Yes I can' and grabbed one.
If "mouse" is singular of "mice"
And "louse" is singular of "lice"
Then "house" is singular of "hice"
And "grouse" is singular of "grice"
And "blouse" is singular of "blice."
And "douse" should mean "one of the dice"
And "spouse" should mean "a pinch of spice"
And "rouse" should mean "a grain of rice."
Grammatic crises are a vice I suffer daily at least twice
Or thrice, or sometimes even frice.
If we could just resolve this crise,
My goodness, wouldn't that be nice.
TEXT OF COMIC:
Can I have one of your cookies?
I don't know. Can you?
It was very clear from context that I was asking for permission, Abby, not questioning my own cookie-eating abilities.
As a language student, you should be familiar with Grice's maxims, the rules whereby speakers correctly infer each other's intended meanings even when the literal meanings of their words are ambiguous.
Grice's maxims? You're being unreasonable, Norma. Grouses are very simple-minded birds, not capable of devising maxims. And why are you pluralizing "grouse" to "grice" anyway? You know it doesn't follow the same pattern as "mouse" and "louse."
I know enough about intended meanings to see that you are deliberately messing with me now.
Comic #1587
May 15 2016
MOUSEOVER TEXT: her hate for her mom is unconditional hate
John loves me even if I don't use conditioner on my hair.
TEXT OF COMIC:
If someone ever told me they loved me unconditionally, I would be so hurt.
Really?
I mean, you've talked about how YOU loving someone unconditionally puts you at high risk for being hurt, because you don't stop loving them even if they start doing awful things. But how could you be hurt by someone else unconditionally loving YOU?
I'd be hurt the moment they told me.
If they say they love me without conditions, that means no matter what I do or how I change, they'll still love me! Even if every single last aspect of my body, mind and soul is completely transformed into its opposite, they'll still love me!
So?
So they don't love me for WHO I AM! They don't love me for ANY reason! They have just arbitrarily pointed at the space I exist in, and said, "I will eternally love whatever is in that meat bag there, regardless of how much of it gets replaced with other stuff!" It's the most meaningless love ever!
Sounds like parenthood.
See, this is why I hate my mom.
Comic #1588
May 21 2016
MOUSEOVER TEXT: by some definitions, parasitism is a kind of symbiosis
It's actually kind of hard to argue that humans are parasites of most wild animals, as opposed to just being predators of them. We're likely to do stuff that kills them outright, instead of subtly weakening them until they die an earlier death with fewer offspring (though of course we have our ways of doing that too).
As for domestic livestock... we do choose when and how they die, and we do make their lives pretty miserable until then... but, by deliberately breeding them and keeping them away from predators, we actually increase their populations. So, in a sense, we ARE the symbiotic brainworms that Abby's afraid of.
TEXT OF COMIC:
I've realized something about parasitism and symbiosis.
A parasite is defined as a creature that improves its own success at survival and reproduction by harming that of another creature. Like cuckoos and cowbirds in relation to their host birds... and ticks and mosquitoes in relation to any animal with blood... and, I guess, humans in relation to MOST wild animals.
And symbiosis is an arrangement where two creatures both improve EACH OTHER'S survival and reproduction... like sharks and remoras, or the yucca plant and the yucca moth... or humans and our gut bacteria.
It's defined by success at survival and reproduction! It has nothing to do with what the creatures WANT.
If a yucca moth somehow developed enough autonomy to decide that it didn't LIKE yucca plants, that wouldn't change the fact that the relationship is symbiotic.
If I decide that bacteria are gross and I want my gut bacteria to go away, that would not suddenly make them parasites instead of symbionts. The will of the individual has nothing to do with it!
So?
So, an alien worm could wrap around my brain, take control of my body, and never let me do anything I wanted to do ever again in my life... and yet, if its actions lengthened my lifespan and caused me to have more offspring, it would still legally be symbiosis and not parasitism!
I'm not sure the definition of parasitism HAS legal status---
I don't care! I refuse to accept any definition of parasitism that won't protect its citizens! We must start a petition to change it, Norma!
What would you say if I told you you're being absolutely ridiculous?
I'd say you have clearly been taken over by the brainworms.
Comic #1589
May 22 2016
MOUSEOVER TEXT: to be fair, host birds do tend to be oblivious to the fact that their babies look nothing like them
I don't know why I keep hearing people say starlings are brood parasites. I mean, they don't even look like the species that are.
TEXT OF COMIC:
Hi, Polyphemus!
ACK! Ugh. Sorry, Abby, I don't think I'll ever get used to your pet starling.
Are you one of those weird people who are scared of birds?
Just starlings. They're such a menace to native birds. I mean, they'll push their eggs out of their nests and replace them with their own.
No they don't! That's cowbirds and cuckoos. Starlings might take over other bird' nests from time to time, but they're not brood parasites.
I heard they are.
Well, you heard wrong, Hans. You're going to have to accept Polyphemus, because he's my BABY.
I know it's hard for host birds to accept that they're hosts, Abby... but if you ever HAD a baby, that thing's parents killed it and replaced it with him.
How could you? He looks EXACTLY like me!
Comic #1590
May 28 2016
MOUSEOVER TEXT: When I write a comic, though, I usually progress straight from beginning to end or end to beginning. Starting with whatever's funniest.
This is the kind of Abby and Norma strip you get when my mind is mostly preoccupied with writing the Kea's Flight sequel.
TEXT OF COMIC:
When I write a story, I begin by laying out a skeleton of the plot. I write down summaries of the basic plot points as I think of them, and then decide how to arrange them in the story.
Then I flesh it out. But, just like the skeleton, the flesh isn't constructed in order from beginning to end. I generally come up with the most substantial parts first, and gradually add the fluffier bits in between them, until finally I'm just polishing it up with cosmetic details.
In a way, it's almost an exact reversal of the decomposition of an actual body.
I guess that's why it's called composition.
No it's not.
Comic #1591
May 29 2016
MOUSEOVER TEXT: it was surprisingly hard to decide who to give which lines in this strip
No, this comic about worms was not inspired by the previous comic about decomposing bodies. It was inspired by walking through the rain and thinking about how I need to come up with more comics.
TEXT OF COMIC:
Well, the rain's clearing up.
Yeah. Sidewalk's already starting to dry.
You know you're grown up, the first time you see a worm crossing the path and you don't have an uncontrollable urge to help it.
Just another sign that adulthood is one long desensitization to the suffering of others.
I must have been born grown up.
I'm never growing up EVER.
Comic #1592
June 4 2016
MOUSEOVER TEXT: My 35th birthday just happened on June 1st! And this was a really cool birthday numerically, because 6/1/16 is a palindrome!
Prometheus stole fire from the gods and was punished by having an eagle eat his liver every day, and then let it grow back so it could be eaten again. Apparently, even in ancient times, the miraculous regenerative power of the liver was a well-known fact. (The thing can grow back to its original size even if you remove three-quarters of it. Makes liver donation quite feasible... but of course, from Zeus's perspective, an unlimited supply of eagle food is a much better use of it.)
TEXT OF COMIC:
Harry Potter books are silly.
Owls carrying letters? Silly. Pigeons are good at carrying letters. Birds of prey, not so much. If I've got a letter I want to send to someone, I'm not having it delivered by a bird of prey.
Hahaha.
What?
De-livered by a bird of prey. Like Prometheus.
I hope eagles eat ALL your internal organs, Abby.
Comic #1593
June 5 2016
MOUSEOVER TEXT: i have been known to eat flowers out of strangers' gardens for the nectar
Sometimes, Abby likes to imagine that all her bizarre preferences are actually universal among humans, and that her honesty is the only thing that separates her from others. She also wants to believe that nobody actually enjoys alcoholic drinks, and that people drink them first because of peer pressure and later because of chemical dependency.
TEXT OF COMIC:
There's this post going around Facebook, where a bartender was making fun of a girl who snuck behind the bar and drank a bottle of grenadine.
That IS pretty funny.
The whole basis of him ridiculing her was that "grenadine doesn't even have alcohol."
Well, it doesn't.
But you don't need alcohol to want to drink a bottle of grenadine! That stuff is amazingly delicious!
And it's practically pure sugar.
Like I said. DELICIOUS. I would drink TWO bottles of it.
Yeah, but your nicknames include "Little Miss Sweet Tooth," "Glucophage," and "that girl who would eat honey straight out of a live bee."
AND SO WOULD EVERYONE, IF THEY'RE REALLY HONEST WITH THEMSELVES.
Comic #1594
June 11 2016
MOUSEOVER TEXT: charon is charon
"Like we USED to when we were little"... come on, Norma, who are you kidding.
TEXT OF COMIC:
Wow, younger and younger kids are having arguments on the internet these days. About more and more important issues, too, like sexism and racism and stuff.
Well, the internet means that people have access to lots more information, even from an early age. And the more information you have, the more stuff you've got to argue about.
Yeah, but shouldn't kids have some time to fight about silly unimportant things for a while? Like we used to when we were little?
Oh, they do that too. An abundance of information provides plenty of that kind of arguing material as well.
Pluto's moon sounds like MY name!
No, it sounds like MY name!
Sharon, Karen, calm down! Wikipedia lists both pronunciations!
Comic #1595
June 12 2016
MOUSEOVER TEXT: a pril fools
She has yet to discover the whole family of meds that end in "-pine," pronounced "peen."
TEXT OF COMIC:
What's wrong, Abby?
I don't have any new ideas for the Podcast that can Turn Any Medication Name into a Song.
Have I really run out of medications whose names can be reinterpreted as weird lyrics?
Or am I just hung up on trying to find a use for "ramipril" and "lisinopril"? I feel as if there ought to be such a thing as a "pril." And it should be something that can be rammed into stuff. And/or can get lice in it.
Hmm. Sounds phallic to me. I'm gonna say "pril" is a little-known genital euphemism that comes from the same root as "priapism."
Norma, you're a genius! Thank you so much!
Not that you need more dirty jokes in your mind, but whatever.
"Prilosec? More like Pril o' Sex!"
Comic #1596
June 18 2016
MOUSEOVER TEXT: I like my coffee chock full of sugar, if I absolutely have to drink it. As for men, I like John, who barely eats sugar at all. So the comparison doesn't work for me.
I would probably love to drink coffee cherry tea instead of coffee, but sadly it's not easy to get here. The "cherry" is actually a pretty thin layer over the coffee bean, so harvesting them for sale is not as efficient as selling the beans. I bet that's partly the fault of everyone who breeds coffee plants for beans instead of cherries, though. You could probably breed them to have more fruit and less seed, if you tried.
Oh, and I doubt Norma actually drinks civet coffee, because it is both ridiculously expensive and fraught with animal cruelty.
TEXT OF COMIC:
Some guy was annoying me in the cafeteria today, asking for a date and refusing to take no for an answer.
Ugh. Men.
I finally told him I like my men like I like my coffee: eaten and then excreted by a civet cat.
Hey, not all men. I've never harassed you.
Hence why that statement wasn't aimed at you.
In fact, I like my potential romantic partners like I like my coffee: nonexistent.
I hear you, Hans. About the coffee, I mean. That stuff tastes gross no matter how you make it.
The worst part is, you know how it grows? It's actually the pit of a little cherry-like fruit. An actual fruit, with actual tasty fruit flavor. And the fruit's got caffeine in it too.
It's like nature gave us a tree that grows delicious caffeinated cherries, and we're like, "Thanks for the caffeine tree, but we're just gonna throw away the cherries and grind up the icky brown cherry pits to drink, if that's okay with you." What a waste.
So you like your coffee with the cherry still attached?
That does NOT extend to romantic partners.
Comic #1597
June 19 2016
MOUSEOVER TEXT: i freely admit i had to look up some character names for this
Agent Carter makes everything better.
TEXT OF COMIC:
We need to have some conversations about Marvel comics. Everyone else is talking about them, there are a gazillion movies and a katillion Netflix shows, and we never seem to bring them up in our discussions. We can't stay relevant if we don't reference the latest pop culture.
Aw man, I can't think of anything to say about them.
Ron! Come up with something involving Marvel characters!
Storm (as Iron Man, I do) is Natasha. To Gamora, lived era. Daredevil aroma got, ah, Satan's. I, Odin, am nori. Sam rots.
Did you just make up a story where Storm and Black Widow and possibly Tony Stark turn out to be the same person, Gamora becomes immortal or something, Matt Murdock starts to stink as bad as the actual devil, Thor and Loki's dad gets used as a sushi ingredient, and Falcon starts decomposing?
Retract! Negate! Get Agent Carter!
That's better.
Comic #1598
June 25 2016
MOUSEOVER TEXT: the mockingbird is actually a giant one that can pull a hang glider, so everything's ok
This song twice perpetrates near-rhymes that equate a T sound with a K sound, and I always find myself singing "billy goak" and "horse and cark" in a pathetic attempt to make it actually rhyme.
TEXT OF COMIC:
Sing me a song, Mom.
All right, sweetheart.
Hush, little baby, don't say a word.
Mama's gonna buy you a mockingbird.
I don't want a mockingbird. I want a car.
And if that mockingbird won't sing,
Mama's gonna buy you a diamond ring.
If I can't have a car, a horse-drawn carriage would be okay.
And if that diamond ring turns brass,
Mama's gonna buy you a looking glass.
And if that looking glass gets broke,
Mama's gonna buy you a billy goat.
Hmm. That's got potential. Can goats pull carriages?
And if that billy goat won't pull...
Aw man.
Mama's gonna buy you a cart and bull.
A bull? Well, maybe, but that's really not an ideal cart-pulling animal.
And if that cart and bull turn over...
Told you so.
Mama's gonna buy you a dog named Rover.
Well, I GUESS a dogsled could work.
And if that dog named Rover won't bark...
I don't want it to bark, I want it to pull something!
Mama's gonna buy you a horse and cart.
YES! FINALLY!!
And if that horse and cart fall down...
MOM! YOU ALWAYS DO THIS TO ME!!
What part of "HUSH, LITTLE BABY, DON'T SAY A WORD" do you not understand?
Comic #1599
June 26 2016
MOUSEOVER TEXT: a chilled seas grandwitch
see, Abby, THIS is why you're supposed to run to class with your sandwich in your mouth.
TEXT OF COMIC:
I am devastated.
This cheese sandwich was delicious when I took my first bite out of it, yesterday morning when I'd just grilled it in a pan full of nice hot butter. It was the most wonderful sandwich in the world, all warm and crispy and fragrant.
But then I realized I was late for class, and I ran off and left it in the fridge, and now it's nothing but cold oily fat between bread. I'm reeling from the loss.
What's the difference between eating your food hot and eating it cold? One is grilled cheese and the other is chilled grease!
You are not helping.
Comic #1600
July 2 2016
MOUSEOVER TEXT: happy 1600
You could also make one that explodes upward, by putting the candy in the box on a false bottom that sits on top of compressed springs. But this one is simpler and probably safer.
TEXT OF COMIC:
Today on Abby and Norma, we're going to learn how to make a pinata bomb!
A what?
You will need:
Cardboard box
Tape
Drinking straws
Candy
Timer
Door hook
Belt
Wire and nuts
Scissors
Wire cutter
Fold flaps down
Make holes
All along both sides
Cut straws into pieces
Stick straw pieces in holes
Tape them in place
On both sides
Cut wire into pieces
Stick wire into straws from outside
Wrap ends of one wire around nuts, inside box
Leave all the others loose
Make wire loops on sides of box
For hanging
Cover box with black tape
Fill box with candy
Stick timer on outside
Use belt and door hook to hang
This is a pinata?
Sure! You take turns cutting wires to "disarm the bomb." When someone cuts the one wire that's actually holding it closed, the whole thing opens and spills candy all over!
You're encouraging kids to think about terrorism and destruction!
No way! This is way safer than the kind of pinata where you swing a stick around blindfolded.
And more eco-friendly as well! It's reusable, and the only part that needs to be replaced is the wire!
World's only reusable bomb. What an accomplishment.
Comic #1601
July 3 2016
MOUSEOVER TEXT: all traditional forms of 'independence' are really just forms of dependence. happy independence day.
Also, a bike is simple enough that I just might be able to learn how to fix it myself, while a car will always be hopelessly beyond my technical skills.
TEXT OF COMIC:
Abby, haven't you learned to drive yet? You're old enough you should be buying your first car.
No. Driving is wasteful and polluting and kills thousands of people a year. Plus it's boring.
You're never going to be independent if you can't drive.
My bike works as long as I have food to eat. Your CAR'S the one that's dependent on the oil industry.
But sometimes you'll have to go someplace you can't go by bike. Like when you have to move. You'll be dependent on someone else to drive your stuff somewhere.
That's fine with me.
But maybe not with them. You'll be a burden on them.
Not if I pay them a thousand dollars to do it.
You don't have a thousand dollars.
Well, I have eight hundred saved in my bank account, and by the time I graduate I'll have over a thousand.
Bull crap. You earn minimum wage! How on earth could you save that much?
By not having a car.
Why must you ruin all my wise maternal lessons?
Comic #1602
July 9 2016
MOUSEOVER TEXT: i want tile floors in every room of my house
we had to invent vacuum cleaners just to get them kind of clean
TEXT OF COMIC:
Why in the world do we have carpets in our homes?
Think about it. Fabric that constantly collects dirt under our feet, and is nailed to the floor so it can't be washed!
Has anyone ever come up with a worse interior design flaw? It's like if we permanently sewed our clothes to our bodies!
It might be a little more manageable if you didn't have a free-flying pet bird.
I'm not gonna say that wasn't a contributing factor to this rant.
Comic #1603
July 10 2016
MOUSEOVER TEXT: tough if the name 'andrew jackson' is actually printed below it
TEXT OF COMIC:
So the US Treasury finally gives in to all the pressure to remove Andrew Jackson from the $20 bill-- and then it turns out they're not even removing him, they're just putting him on one side and Harriet Tubman on the other?
Pretty much.
Well, since we clearly can't sway the actual creators of the $20 bill toward doing anything decent, we're going to have to fix this with interpretation.
What?
Any work of art is a collaboration between authorial intent and the audience's interpretation.
If the authorial intent sucks, the audience is forced to make up for it by coming up with a really awesome way to interpret that crappy intent.
So from now on, I choose to interpret that picture as Eric Idle.
Hmm. There is a bit of resemblance.
Comic #1604
July 16 2016
MOUSEOVER TEXT: i lived there a semester, and i can confirm the nightly rain
medieval forays into weather control technology
TEXT OF COMIC:
Ugh, it's hot.
Yup.
I kind of wish I'd signed up for that study abroad semester in Cuernavaca.
"Cuerna vaca"? What's that mean? Something about a cow horn?
It's a city in Mexico. Popular destination for tourism and studying abroad.
And its name has nothing to do with cow horns, it's just a Hispanicized pronunciation of the native word for the place, which I can't spell but it's pronounced something like "cuau-nau-wac."
Ah. I found it. Cuauhnahuac. Wow... They say it's the "city of eternal spring."
Yeah. It hardly ever gets too hot or too cold.
Hmm. And it rains almost every day, but they say it almost always happens at night.
Seriously??
Yeah, what about it?
"The rain may never fall till after sundown,
In Cuauhnahuac!"
That's it. I'm moving there, just because it's several hundred miles from you.
Comic #1605
July 17 2016
MOUSEOVER TEXT: i am not sure there is such a page, norma
How much worse could it be than a park named after the actual devil?
TEXT OF COMIC:
I heard the governor of Wisconsin has suggested selling naming rights to state parks.
Like, a corporation could buy the right to rename Devil's Lake State Park, and call it Coca-Cola Park or some crap like that.
Hmm.
Will it only be open to corporations? How much will it cost?
Abby, you're not...
All I'm saying is, if we got enough millions of nerds on the internet donating a few dollars each, we could have Parky McParkface.
Is there a picture of you on the Wikipedia page for "Bad Ideas"?
Comic #1606
July 23 2016
MOUSEOVER TEXT: To be fair, many of the kids featured on those lists really don't seem to have known what they were doing. But there are definitely some where I feel they ought to get public recognition for it.
I mean, imagine if you said something really clever on an assignment as a kid, and then tried to use it in another work later in life, but your publisher said, "No, I won't publish this, you clearly stole it from this viral internet clickbait list of funny schoolkid homework assignments." And your name's been cut out of the picture in the list so you'll never be able to prove your authorship, and you'll curse your teacher till the day you die.
TEXT OF COMIC:
Ooh, here's one of those lists of funny things kids wrote on homework assignments.
Those always bother me. I don't think the teachers respect the kids' copyright on the things they wrote.
Kids have copyright on funny comments they wrote in their homework?
EVERYONE has copyright on EVERYTHING they write, as long as it's their own idea. And teachers posting it online, without the author's permission or proper attribution, is really awful.
Huh. Well, maybe they do ask the kids' permission.
But if they're underage, they can't legally agree to a licensing contract of any kind. If you're a child, you're not considered able to make responsible decisions. Like how you're not held responsible if you commit a crime as a child.
Hmm. Then how can children have copyright at all?
Huh?
If you can't be held responsible for your crimes, then how can you be held responsible for your creations?
If a child who commits a crime must not have known what he was doing, then a child who makes a clever insight must ALSO not have known what he was doing.
Both the crime and the creation must be treated NOT as human actions, but as accidents of nature, belonging to no one.
That's even more depressing than the intellectual-property-stealing teachers.
Hey, you ruin my fun, I'll ruin yours.
Comic #1607
July 24 2016
MOUSEOVER TEXT: Luckily being human is overrated.
Like most weekday names, it does contain the name of a god, so perhaps it does count as swearing (of the taking-a-name-in-vain variety).
TEXT OF COMIC:
Ohhh... WEDNESDAY!
What?
I forgot there was a reading assignment due by tomorrow.
Tomorrow's not Wednesday.
Yeah, I know. The "Wednesday" was just an expletive.
Do I dare ask?
In both French and Spanish, the word for "Wednesday" has the same first syllable as a swear word. So people can catch themselves and say "Wednesday" instead of cursing.
But that doesn't work in English.
It's just more of a challenge! I like a challenge.
The moment when a person starts swearing in linguistic puns is probably the moment they stop being human.
Comic #1608
July 30 2016
MOUSEOVER TEXT: the best are the days when literary and physical diarrhea co-occur, so you have a good excuse to keep running to the bathroom to type
In German literature class in college, my professor showed us a poem from I-don't-know-how-long-ago, which contained the lines "Nachtstuhlchen meiner Ruh, der Poesie Klystier." "(You are) the chamberpot of my peace, and the enema of my poetry." I am not sure if this guy's comparison of his poetry to poop was clueless or remarkably self-aware.
TEXT OF COMIC:
You've been staring at your computer for half an hour, and I have yet to see you type anything.
I'm compstipated.
You're what?
Compositionally constipated.
Writer's block, you mean?
Being a writer is a lot like having bowel irregularity.
Some days you sit and sit for hours and nothing comes out.
And other days you're bursting and you have to run off to get more of it out every few minutes.
At least as a writer, you can have some small hope that what's coming out isn't crap.
How inspirational.
Comic #1609
July 31 2016
MOUSEOVER TEXT: abby has absolutely zero concern about the social awkwardness of pooping at work
from now on all comics are about poop
TEXT OF COMIC:
Hah. Here's a cartoon about how the worst possible curse would be "only being able to poop at work."
What? That would be wonderful!
Why??
There's a bathroom at work! There isn't a bathroom on the bus! Or in classrooms, or long car rides, or hikes in national forests, or waiting in line. I'd never have to worry about where the bathrooms were again.
You'd still have to pee.
I'm less concerned about pee. Pee builds up at a predictable rate. Attacks of diarrhea come out of nowhere.
But on vacation you'd get all bloated and uncomfortable.
So I eat less on vacation. And in exchange, I never have to worry about finding a toilet on short notice while on vacation. WELL WORTH IT.
But if you ever lose your job for too long, you DIE.
That happens anyway, it's how our economy works.
Comic #1610
August 6 2016
MOUSEOVER TEXT: life is a fatal disease
the Make-A-Wish foundation can't help everyone
TEXT OF COMIC:
What would you do if you found out you had a fatal disease?
Hmm. It depends. Does this happen after I've graduated and found a job?
Sure, okay. But you've just started out; you haven't gotten to live a full life yet.
Okay, and how much time do I have left to live?
I dunno, let's say six months.
Am I still pretty able-bodied?
Yeah.
Will I be, up until my death?
Sure, let's say you will be.
Okay, well, then the rest of my life would stay pretty much the same.
What? You wouldn't travel? Or meet your heroes, or make epic art?
Well, assuming I've just entered the workforce, I'll be working full time at an entry-level wage, which I'll have to spend on food and shelter. And there's no way I'll have enough money saved up to take six months off for fun stuff.
And, if I'm able-bodied and capable of working, I can't get disability, even if I'm dying. So yeah, if I want to stay alive for those six months, I pretty much have to keep up my forty hours a week. Maybe I can take a few weeks off at the very end. Enough to read a couple books I'd been wanting to read.
What? What did you expect?
I... I don't know. I always kind of assumed that when you find out you're dying, you automatically get paid vacation for the rest of your life and a set of Disneyland tickets.
Your brain lives in a pleasant little world.
Comic #1611
August 7 2016
MOUSEOVER TEXT: they grew out of having gender-reveal parties about twenty-five thousand years ago, though
Some other ways of sexing a starling include looking at the eyes and neck feathers, but these are less reliable.
TEXT OF COMIC:
Have you figured out if your bird is male or female yet?
Not really. I've fallen into the bad habit of saying "he" by default, but he never got the yellow beak in the spring, so I can't know for sure.
Yellow beak?
Wild starlings' beaks turn yellow in breeding season. But in captivity they don't always.
So you can tell the sex when the beak turns yellow?
Yeah. The beak turns mostly yellow, but the base of it turns blue or pink, depending on sex.
Seriously?? Blue for boys and pink for girls?
Yeah. Funny how that works out, huh?
Holy crap. Humans didn't even start using those colors gender-specifically until the past century, and you're telling me starlings have been using them for millennia?
I keep telling you, these birds are evolutionarily ahead of us.
Comic #1612
August 13 2016
MOUSEOVER TEXT: our current bird seems to love microwave beeping sounds
I've never known a bird that showed any sign of caring whether you said "he" or "she," but I have certainly known birds that had strong reactions to sounds. The parrot we used to have would made a bizarre, indescribable screeching noise any time he heard the metal clicking sounds made by a nail clipper. I don't know if it was a sound of anger, panic or joy. Maybe "nail-clipper-click" was his preferred pronoun. We'll never know.
TEXT OF COMIC:
You've gotta stop calling your bird "he" when you don't know its sex. It IS a bad habit.
Eh, I'm about 90% sure birds don't care about being misgendered.
Only 90%?
I can't say 100%, only because I know that pronouns are words, and spoken words are sounds, and birds DO care a lot about sounds, to the point of loving some sounds and hating others.
So, it's not entirely implausible that a bird could totally hate hearing the word "he," and prefer hearing "she" or some other pronoun.
But that would be the same whether you were using the pronoun to refer to the bird or anyone else.
Right. I can't imagine that a bird's sound preferences would be dependent on the grammatical context of the sound.
So that would mean birds might care about gender pronouns MORE than humans. I've never seen a human get offended at hearing their non-preferred pronoun used for OTHER people.
Like I said. Starlings are evolutionarily ahead of us.
Comic #1613
August 14 2016
MOUSEOVER TEXT: it was an alien artifact that could transport me to my home planet
This is a real thing at Savers down the street from me.
TEXT OF COMIC:
At my favorite thrift store, the loudspeakers periodically take breaks from playing music, and play recorded announcements about how awesome the store is. Like people who are already shopping there somehow need to hear advertisements for it.
That's annoying.
Yeah. One of the announcements starts out with, "In case you wondered, you're not dreaming!" Like the place is so wondrous that I have to be reassured that it's real?
Well, you do go there a lot. You must like it.
Yeah. I go there so much that it HAS started showing up in my dreams.
In fact, the last time I heard that "You're not dreaming!" announcement, it turned out to be a lie. Do you think I can sue for false advertising?
Depends on how awesome the thing you were about to buy was.
Comic #1614
August 20 2016
MOUSEOVER TEXT: you also can't spell it without 'pot ass'
i think a possum would totally eat a banana if you gave it one
TEXT OF COMIC:
I got in a fight with the TA in my biology class.
He asked a taxonomy question, and the answer he wanted was "monkeys," so he said "I'll give you a hint, it has a prehensile tail, lives in trees and eats bananas."
Kinda patronizing.
Yeah, so of course then I wanted to be contrary, so I said "possums."
I don't think possums eat bananas.
That's what he said, and I was like, "Well, bananas have potassium, and YOU CAN'T SPELL POTASSIUM WITHOUT POSSUM!"
I think your TA and I both want to remove ourselves from this whole conversation.
AND THAT'S HOW YOU TURN THE ONE WORD INTO THE OTHER!
Comic #1615
August 21 2016
MOUSEOVER TEXT: if your blood contains protactinium and neodymium, that's PaNdemia
Apparently the funniest element is boron, and Seinfeld thinks the symbol for boron is something other than the letter B. I dunno. I like my own jokes about boron better.
TEXT OF COMIC:
In fact, I should go get a banana now.
Why? Talking about possums eating bananas made you hungry?
Yup. And bananas are healthy. Don't wanna get hypokalemia.
Hypo-kale-emia? That sound like it should mean "deficiency of kale in the blood," not deficiency of bananas.
Yup, but it really means potassium deficiency. I guess the "kale" means potassium... makes sense, because K is the symbol for potassium on the Periodic Table.
Oh, so you can stick atomic symbols into words and have them mean whatever that element is?
Does "anemia" mean high levels of arsenic in the blood? Does "bohemia" mean high levels of boron?
Arsenic is As, and boron is just B, so shut up.
If you're in academia, does your blood contain actinium??
Comic #1616
August 27 2016
MOUSEOVER TEXT: this comic dedicated to Anton Yelchin, one of this year's thirty thousand victims
I also suspect that killing animals for meat will become morally unacceptable as it becomes possible to grow meat artificially. Technology often makes humane behavior more feasible, which contributes to the evolution of ethical values.
TEXT OF COMIC:
There's a troubling trend I've noticed among social activists.
Whenever someone argues that people of past eras shouldn't be judged by today's standards of equality and today's views about prejudice, someone else inevitably mentions a person from a past era who DID believe more or less in today's values, and argues, "See? That person could see the truth, so other people from that time have no excuse!"
To me, that seems kind of like pointing at one remarkable rags-to-riches story and saying, "See? That person went from poverty to wealth, so if you're not a millionaire, that means you're just lazy!"
Hmm. I'm not sure. It seems like becoming a millionaire is still harder than choosing not to be a jerk.
But how can you know what will be considered jerky in the future? Sure, SOME people might have the right opinion, but in EVERY society, in EVERY era, there are small minorities on the fringes saying all SORTS of things. How do you know who will be on the right side of history?
For instance! I personally believe that, in any future where humanity hasn't destroyed itself by the next century, we will have completely eliminated roads and automobiles, and replaced them with an extensive, well-organized rail system.
This will be immensely safer, not to mention more energy-efficient, easier to maintain, and more accessible to the poor and the disabled.
People of the future will be unable to imagine why ANYONE in our time could possibly have thought it was okay to have a polluting, money-burning, classist, ableist, land-destroying mode of transport that killed ten times as many people as 9/11, EVERY YEAR.
And yet there ARE some people today who realize that it's NOT okay--
What people?
Me.
Ah.
So you think future people will point out YOUR views as evidence that people like your mom had no excuse to approve of driving cars?
Yes! And I... Huh. I'm realizing I'm actually completely fine with that.
Glad I could help defuse your rant.
Comic #1617
August 28
Kelvin is an unholy hybrid between Barbie's boyfriend Ken and Hobbes' friend Calvin
TEXT OF COMIC:
Ugh, it's still hot. What's the temperature?
In Fahrenheit, in Celsius, or in Centigrade?
Celsius and Centigrade are the same thing.
No, they're not.
Celsius is a measure of temperature, and Centigrade is an unholy hybrid between a centipede and a tardigrade.
I don't know or care what the temperature is in one of those.
Then you are not a true scientist.
Comic #1618
September 3 2016
MOUSEOVER TEXT: and you're sitting there!
As a starling guardian myself, I can testify that no amount of human persuasion will ever convince a starling that he is not a velociraptor.
But then, what's the point. As proven earlier , velociraptors ARE birds.
TEXT OF COMIC:
Aww, Polyphemus. You're my birdy bird, aren't you? Birdy. BIRDY!
Yes, you're a birdy! BIRD! You're a birdy birdy birdy bird.
I guess it really is true that people's vocalizations become more meaningless when in proximity to their pets.
No, he actually needs to be reminded that he's a bird. Otherwise he develops delusions of velociraptorhood.
Comic #1619
September 4 2016
MOUSEOVER TEXT: meringue is pronounced maraang, which is an anagram for anagram
In reality I think cooks before the electric mixer just had ridiculously strong arms.
TEXT OF COMIC:
Norma, what are you doing over there?
Making meringues. I told you I wanted to make them.
You can't be making meringues in my kitchen-- I don't have an electric mixer.
I'm beating them by hand. It HAS to be possible to make meringues by hand. They were invented before the electric mixer.
Yes, but it was only theoretical at that point. The food scientists of the time projected that, if technology advanced to provide the proper increase in mixing speed, egg whites and sugar could potentially be made to form the foamy semisolid necessary for meringues.
Your version of history is like some weird sugar-overdose nightmare.
The promise of meringues was what brought most of the research funding needed to develop electricity.
Comic #1620
September 10 2016
MOUSEOVER TEXT: I am constantly amazed that movie theaters still exist. Home is such a better place to watch movies.
I miss the days when those reminders were presented in the form of fake previews suddenly interrupted with fake cellphone rings. Has it really been a couple years since theaters have done that?
TEXT OF COMIC:
Hey, this is nice. It's been a while since we saw a movie in the theater.
Ooh, here's the accusatory reminder that talking on your cell phone will ruin the movie for others.
And here's the similarly accusatory reminder about talking to the people sitting next to you.
And now, at the very end of the previews, here's a tempting little animation to demonstrate how delicious the snacks from the concession stand are...
...in hopes that you'll use the first five minutes of actual movie time to push your way past your neighbors, go buy junk food, then push your way back in, and spend the next hour annoying everyone with crunching, slurping and rustling sounds.
Clearly "ruining the movie for everyone else" is only a problem when it does not result in extra revenue for the theater.
Now I remember why it's been so long since we did this.
(voice from offstage) Ssh!
Comic #1621
September 11 2016
MOUSEOVER TEXT: welcome to the adventures of alphy and normega
I'm not even sure it holds reliably true for strangers thrown together in wildlife parks-- there's a tendency for individual researchers' biased and flawed observations to be spread around as truth even when they don't reflect reality much at all.
In any case, comparing humans to wolves is an insult to wolves.
TEXT OF COMIC:
How did your date go?
Ugh. One of those guys who compare humans to wolves, complete with the whole discredited "alpha" and "beta" bullcrap.
But, when you think about it, the reason that was discredited was because it only held true for wolves NOT in their natural habitat.
It was an actual observed dynamic, but not when wolves were in their naturally occurring packs-- only when they were, like, a bunch of strangers thrown together in a wildlife park.
So maybe it DOES make a good analogy. I mean, none of us are in our natural habitat. This unnatural, strangers-thrown-together sort of dynamic actually reflects college quite well. And most of human life.
Don't encourage him.
Hey, if he WANTS to dehumanize himself, I can only help.
Comic #1622
September 17 2016
MOUSEOVER TEXT: and she probably set the whole thing up on purpose
and he called for his fiddler's thong
TEXT OF COMIC:
Read us a nursery rhyme!
Yeah! I like the one about Old King Kong.
You mean Old King Cole.
I call him Old King Kong.
Geez. And I guess you want me to change the rest of the poem to rhyme with that?
Yes! Yes!
FINE. Old King Kong was a merry old song--
How could he BE a song?
Hey. YOU requested this. And a merry old song was he.
He called for his pipe and he called for his bong... Oh dear.
A bong AND a pipe? That seems excessive.
Hey! There are children present.
Sharon, if you can tell that what we're saying isn't kid-friendly, then your innocence was a lost cause already.
Comic #1623
September 18 2016
MOUSEOVER TEXT: Raises the question of how direct the killing has to be in order to count as a murder for these purposes. Would a bullet count? Would a bomb?
how about "most murders committed by making people swallow swords"
TEXT OF COMIC:
Look at this Guinness Book of World Records. This listing for "sword swallowing" shows some records from the 1980's, but then it says that they don't accept new records in that category because of safety concerns.
Yeah, sometimes they stop accepting records because they don't want to encourage people to do dangerous stuff. I think they've reopened the sword swallower category since that edition was published, though.
Oh, they'll close a category if it's dangerous? And yet, here, there's a still-active category for "most murders ever committed by one person."
I believe that, so far, nobody has ever gone on a killing spree with the express goal of making it into the Guinness Book.
I could be the first!
Comic #1624
September 24 2016
MOUSEOVER TEXT: Also, Earth is a space rock.
Death is very metal now.
Fitting, since many meteorites are made of metal.
TEXT OF COMIC:
They say no human has ever been killed by a meteorite.
No human? Have other animals?
Well, a rather large number of dinosaurs.
I think that was an asteroid.
Whatever. They say no human's been killed by ANY kind of space rock.
Yeah. So?
Well, were the dinosaurs ever DIRECTLY killed by the thing that hit Earth? I mean, did it land on their heads and crush them?
Maybe a few, but most of them were killed indirectly as it changed the climate and stuff.
So dying due to indirect results of a space rock... still counts as being killed by a space rock?
Sure. Otherwise we couldn't say an asteroid killed the dinosaurs.
So, how do we know that human deaths haven't EVER been indirectly caused by a space rock?
We don't.
In fact, if it weren't for the asteroid that killed the dinosaurs, humans probably would never have existed, and therefore none of us ever would have died.
So, technically, ALL human deaths are caused by an asteroid.
I guess that makes death a little less sucky and a little more cool.
Glad to help.
Comic #1625
September 25 2016
MOUSEOVER TEXT: also, no one has been killed by a meteor, unless they happened to collide with it while skydiving or something
There's an Isaac Asimov short story (one of the Azazel stories) where someone gets a magic spell put on him so that nothing on earth can kill him, and then he gets killed by a meteorite. Totally cheating.
TEXT OF COMIC:
I just went to the rock shop!
Cool! What'd you get?
A meteorite!
Nice.
Now I just need a gun.
What?
C'mon, Norma. No human has EVER been fatally hit by a meteorite before!
You seriously bought a meteorite just to make a horrible morbid joke.
Heck no. I bought it to wire-wrap into a necklace. The joke was a side benefit.
Could you shoot me first, please?
Comic #1626
October 1 2016
MOUSEOVER TEXT: the stigma of being caught in possession of banned river rocks became known as rivastigmine.
when river rocks are outlawed only outlaws will have river rocks
TEXT OF COMIC:
Oh, Robby took some river rocks
And threw them at his mom and dad.
The village elders spoke that night
On how to discipline the lad.
And once they'd confiscated all
the river rocks the child had,
On rivaroxaban was placed
So other boys won't be so bad.
Thank you! Thanks for tuning in to the Podcast that can Make Any Medication Name Into a Song! This episode is brought to you by rivaroxaban, generic of Xarelto!
If you spend any more days obsessed with rock-related injuries, I'm going to start worrying about you.
Comic #1627
October 2 2016
MOUSEOVER TEXT: the national police chief is the Security Head Of The United States, or SHOT US, which, to be fair, is most of what the police have done lately
There is a federal committee for replacing all American salad greens with vegetables from the southern hemisphere; it's called "Eating Usefully Cultivated Australian Leaves, You Protect The United States" (or EUCALYPTUS)
TEXT OF COMIC:
The Supreme Court of the United States is also called the SCOTUS.
If you are both a member of the Supreme Court AND a Representative, you are called a SCROTUS, which is why nobody has ever done that.
The national service that manages waste disposal is the Department Eliminating The Rubbish In The United States, or DETRITUS. The committee studying droughts and desertification is Climatic Aridity Changing The United States, or CACTUS.
When the government shuts down for a month because it can't agree on something, this is known as Having Issues Administering The United States, or HIATUS.
The President, of course, is the POTUS. Also known as the Leader of the United States, or LOTUS.
If the President is married to a lady, she is the First Lady of the United States, or FLOTUS. If the president does not have a spouse and is married to his country, then we have a First Lady AS the United States, or FLATUS. Such presidents are among the windiest.
If the First Lady is pregnant, that is the First Embryo of the United States, or FEOTUS. This is accomplished through Copulation and Ovulation In The United States, or COITUS...
I GET IT. I GET IT.
Comic #1628
October 8 2016
MOUSEOVER TEXT: gain telepathy and your mind becomes completely unable to function because you can't tell other people's thoughts from your own.
Superpowers only work as naturally evolved alien abilities (e.g. Superman) or abilities imparted by a technological process carefully designed to give ALL the abilities necessary (e.g. Captain America).
TEXT OF COMIC:
You know the problem with superpowers?
Hmm?
Superpowers are useless without the knowledge of how to use them. And before you can learn how to use them right, you will have gotten yourself killed by using them wrong.
Imagine that you've gained the ability to shape-shift, but you didn't automatically get any instincts for how to keep your body in a shape that still functions and stays alive.
You're like, "Hey, look, I can change my internal orga-aaauuuuggggg."
You get super strength and you have no concept of how much damage you can now do with your usual amount of exertion, so you scratch your head and rip your own brain out. You get super speed and your reflexes can't keep up with it, and you crash into a tree.
Maybe superpowers always come with the reflexes needed for managing them.
That would be too convenient to make a believable story.
I don't think most people are really looking for believability in their superhero comics.
Comic #1629
October 9 2016
MOUSEOVER TEXT: I love making comics about brand names that only exist in the upper Midwest, just to mess with everyone else
Of COURSE whenever two superheroes have a baby together they just portmanteau their names. See, Green Hornet married Hobgoblin, their kid Green Goblin married Jack O'Lantern, their kid Green Lantern married The Arrow, and their kid Green Arrow is determined to pass on the Green name for at least one more generation.
TEXT OF COMIC:
If Captain America and Superman had a baby together, what do you think he'd be like?
What? I have no idea. What do you think?
I think he'd work in a gas station.
What? That's lame.
It's not so bad. He owns the gas station. It's named after him.
What?
Ohhh. It's a SuperAmerica station.
My superpower is puns.
Comic #1630
October 15 2016
MOUSEOVER TEXT: candy makes everything feel better, even as it destroys your whole body
The trick-or-treating in the dorm building was a real thing when I was in college. I hope that even the hard-partying college students had the decency to be decent around kids, but you never know.
TEXT OF COMIC:
I'm so excited for Halloween!
They're doing a "safe space for trick-or-treating" in our dorm building. Kids nearby who don't have a safe neighborhood to go out in at night are gonna come in and get candy from us.
How on earth did they get the idea that a college dorm was a safe space for children?
Dunno. But we're going to buy tons of candy, more than the kids would ever take, and then we'll sit around in costumes eating it all night until our teeth hurt.
One of these days, that recurring nightmare is going to come true and our teeth are gonna fall out.
Freud said dreams of tooth loss symbolize castration.
Freud WOULD say that.
When I dream about tooth loss, it usually symbolizes the fact that I grind my teeth in my sleep and the mouthguard I'm using is either damaged or about to fall out.
Speaking of which, I've worn through my latest mouthguard, and my teeth already hurt.
Candy will make them feel better.
I doubt that.
Comic #1631
October 16 2016
MOUSEOVER TEXT: vampire teeth would make an awful mouthguard. they hurt even wearing them while awake.
No, no, Polyphemus just took the beginning of "I am Abby's service animal" and added the word "familiar" which he learned from... strip 1586?
Yeah ok she planned it.
TEXT OF COMIC:
Is THAT your costume, Norma? A vampire? Could you get any less creative?
I'm not in costume. I've been using vampire teeth as a nighttime mouthguard until I get a better one.
You don't need it now. You're not asleep.
The more you hassle me, the more I grind my teeth even when I'm awake.
FINE. If you're gonna be a boring uncreative vampire, I'm gonna be a boring uncreative witch.
How's this?
Wow. You are incapable of doing any costume halfway, aren't you?
I am Abby's familiar!
Okay, you planned this ahead.
Comic #1632
October 22 2016
MOUSEOVER TEXT: every bird has a secret witch form they will never show you
I love how a comic can stretch one day out over multiple days of strips, even if that day is Halloween in-universe and the whole month of October out-of-universe.
TEXT OF COMIC:
Trick or treat!
Help yourselves!
Is that a real bird?
No, it's a witch in bird form.
Are you a real witch?
Nope, I'm a bird in witch form.
Are you a real vampire?
Yes, of course.
Is that real candy?
As real as they make it.
Good, 'cause that's all I really cared about.
I have high hopes for this younger generation.
Comic #1633
October 23 2016
MOUSEOVER TEXT: to be continued
brand names of candies are proper nouns and do not count, no matter how many Z's they have
TEXT OF COMIC:
Well, I think the last of the trick-or-treaters are gone.
Time to go through our remaining hoard of candy.
We must divide it up equally.
Ha, very funny. I will fight you for it in a fair duel at Scrabble.
How about we keep track of the Scrabble points with pieces of candy, and we each get to keep as many as we get?
Awesome! Watch me demolish you and leave you with three sad little Twizzlers and a box of Milk Duds.
Oh, you're on. I'll go get the Scrabble board.
Comic #1634
October 29 2016
MOUSEOVER TEXT: I LOVE the character printed on the M&M, and its awesome ability to mean something no matter which way you turn it
Earlier, a heated debate broke out as to whether "3W" is an acceptable spelling of "threw."
TEXT OF COMIC:
What's up, you two?
Um... Well, we were trying to play Scrabble for candy, but at some point one of us spilled a bag of M&Ms all over the board, and since then we've been using them instead of letters.
Heeheehee. I spelled "MEW." That's a real word, isn't it? Heeheehee, I've had too much sugar.
I add my 3 after your MEW, on a triple word score.
MEW3 isn't a word.
Yeah it is. It's what Mewtwo evolves into.
FINE. Then I add EME vertically onto the M, making MEME, and also the final E adds onto this WE down here and forms EWE, which pushes my score up to...
Up to more candy than we have anyway, 'cause we've eaten most of it already.
You two are ridiculous.
Comic #1635
October 30 2016
MOUSEOVER TEXT: I tried to eat the mr. goodbars but every time i bit one it turned into me
You could argue that Bram Stoker didn't make the pun himself because Count Dracula was based on a real person, Vlad the Impaler... except that Vlad's title was "voivode," which is translated as "prince" or "duke," never as "count." Stoker CHOSE to make him a count.
TEXT OF COMIC:
Abby, did you eat any of my Mr. Goodbars?
No, I didn't.
I'm going to count them again, just to be sure.
I swear you are an actual vampire.
Huh?
You know, vampires have a counting compulsion. It's part of the traditional mythos. Like you can make a vampire leave you alone by throwing rice on the ground, 'cause he'll count it until the sun comes up and fries him.
Hmm. Is that why The Count in Sesame Street looks like a vampire?
Ha! I hadn't thought of that. But... no, I think that's because Dracula was a Count. Bram Stoker wrote that book a hundred years ago, so...
Aw geez.
What?
Bram Stoker must've known about the vampires-counting-stuff myth. HE made the original pun, and it took us this long to get it.
Not everything is a pun, Abby.
Comic #1636
November 5 2016
MOUSEOVER TEXT: i'm surprised Obvious Plant hasn't beaten me to this
sweatshop mass production of retail clothing is the saddest six-word story
TEXT OF COMIC:
That will be $35.50.
OK.
Ma'am, I'm the manager of this store. Before you leave, may I ask you to remove the signs that I saw you putting up in the children's shoe section?
What's wrong with them?
We have employees who put up the appropriate signs in every department. We don't need additional signage added by customers.
I think you do! I added completely TRUE and RELEVANT information about the products-- information that your signing employees FAILED to include!
I still don't feel this was necessary.
FOR SALE
BABY SHOES
NEVER WORN
Comic #1637
November 6 2016
MOUSEOVER TEXT: Bumblebee used to be a bee larva
Not quite, though, because they can only transform in one direction (egg -> caterpillar -> chrysalis -> butterfly.) Like if Optimus Prime was just a robot that went around saying "hey, I USED to be a truck."
TEXT OF COMIC:
Don't ever watch TWO classic 80's kids' shows in quick succession, like I just did.
Why? What did you watch?
An episode of Reading Rainbow, and then an episode of Transformers.
And now I have an unholy mash-up of their songs stuck in my head. "Butterfly in disguise! More than meets the eye!"
Ha. That reminds me of those butterflies that look like dead leaves.
When you think about it, butterflies ARE nature's transformers.
Comic #1638
November 12 2016
MOUSEOVER TEXT: please forgive me, cathy love, i could not in good conscience bring a child into the world with your genes
I guess that sort of IVF tampering would be the ultimate form of cheating.
Different couples have different ideas of what's cheating, though. John, for example, thinks it's cheating on him if I eat snacks from the vending machine at work, because his awesome cooking should be enough for me.
(And he's right... me eating vending machine snacks when I could have his cooking is kinda like Angelina Jolie cheating on Brad Pitt with Donald Trump. But sometimes, y'know, the vending machine isn't Mr. Right, but it's Mr. Right Now...)
TEXT OF COMIC:
I dumped my boyfriend. He cheated so much, if we ever had kids together I wouldn't be sure they were mine.
Ha!
What's so funny?
Wait... you're serious?
Yeah! I don't want to give birth to one of his skanky lovers' babies.
Cathy, if you're pregnant, you know it's yours.
Not if we do in vitro fertilization and he sneaks behind my back and gets my egg replaced with someone else's.
Okay, fair enough.
Comic #1639
November 13 2016
I was sort of raised Catholic, but my churchgoing days are so long ago that I can't remember if communion was ever done on Fridays anyway. I only remember it on Sundays, but then, we only ever went to church on Sundays.
TEXT OF COMIC:
The Catholic interpretation of communion is that the line about "this is my body" must be taken literally.
In the Catholic faith, the priest blessing the bread and wine is actually, spiritually transforming it into the body and blood of Christ, even though it still resembles bread and wine in every way we can physically detect.
Wow.
Which means...
That Catholics are cannibals? That the whole concept of religion in general is seriously messed up?
That you can't take communion on a Friday in Lent.
...Huh.
Unless Jesus is a fish.
Comic #1640
November 19 2016
MOUSEOVER TEXT: or 'zero zeroeths'
her grade will be 90% (ninety times [zero divided by zero]).
TEXT OF COMIC:
I am so bored doing this math homework.
What did you expect? It's math homework.
There has got to be some way to make it more interesting.
Believe me, I have TRIED to find a way of making math interesting--
I know! I'll start interpreting every percent sign as "zero divided by zero."
--WITHOUT turning all my answers into paradox salad.
Awww.
Comic #1641
November 20 2016
MOUSEOVER TEXT: Christmas + campus = Krampus.
Her intended meaning was either that she feels alone due to her total lack of anything in common with her mother, or that she's alone because her mother is too useless to count as a living being. Or some combination of the two. I'm not sure... Abby's brain is sometimes an enigma even to me.
TEXT OF COMIC:
Are you going home for the holidays again, Norma?
Actually, not this year.
My extended family has always had parties at my grandmother's house, which is several states away. But Grandma is getting too old to host those anymore. So this year we're celebrating the holidays at my aunt's house, which is really close to here.
I'll be gone for dinner on Thanksgiving and Christmas, but the rest of winter break I can just hang out on campus.
Awesome! I won't be alone!
Isn't your mom coming to visit you?
Yeah, but when I'm with her I'm alone.
That COULD be taken as an expression of how you're so intimately close to your mother that she's like an extension of yourself.
And you know me better than to take it that way.
Comic #1642
November 26 2016
MOUSEOVER TEXT: Thanksgiving is an anagram of Viking Thangs, or A Saving Think, or Vag Skin Night.
very thankless of her
TEXT OF COMIC:
Hello, Abby!
How did you get in here?
Since you refuse to come home for Thanksgiving, I've decided to drop in and take you out for a mother-daughter dinner, so at least you will receive the absolute MINIMUM dose of family Thanksgiving experience that's necessary for survival.
Maybe, if I try hard enough for enough years in a row, I can imbed the thankful spirit of this holiday in you, until you finally feel your morally mandated gratitude to me for bringing you into this world.
Ugh.
Poly, come here!
AAAAA! What is that horrible thing?
I thought you might show up. So we practiced a little recital for your benefit.
P: Happy happy greetings on Thanksgiving!
A: And please accept our thankful sentiment
P: For pushing baby Abby through your privates
A: Although I was too young to give consent.
P: If you had felt you needed her permission,
A: Which of course you never could have got,
P: Then my best friend would still be nonexistent,
A: And so, again, we thank you quite a lot.
P: In honor of your gift of life to Abby,
A: Which somehow I don't totally regret,
P: I introduce myself as Polyphe-eee-eemus,
A: The only grandkid you will ever get.
...
...
I STILL don't know what that thing is, but I'm considering replacing the turkey with it.
You-uu-- suffers from social DISABILITIES.
Comic #1643
November 27 2016
MOUSEOVER TEXT: abbynezer scrooge
Yay story arc! (Don't worry, it's not a "Christmas Carol" themed one. I promise I will never do that. Some things have had every drop of originality squeezed out of them over the years.)
TEXT OF COMIC:
Well, you've stayed a few days past the Thanksgiving dinner you dragged me to. Feel free to go home any time.
OH, not a chance, Abby. We're going to go Christmas shopping together at the mall! C'mon. My car's parked outside.
Ugh. I guess I have no choice.
I will get you to experience the holiday spirit, if I have to play all three ghosts.
Believe me, you ALREADY haunt my past, present and future.
Comic #1644
December 3 2016
MOUSEOVER TEXT: to be continued
it may be a sin, but at least it's original
TEXT OF COMIC:
Hey! Hey you in the blue car!
Mom, please.
Hey you! You can't take that parking space!
Why not?
Are you a handicapped person?
Mom. You can't just talk like that to strangers.
Yes, I have a disability-- not that it's any of your business. You can see my card in the window, can't you? And why do you care? This isn't even a handicapped space.
Exactly! If you have a registered handicapped vehicle, you should be parking in the handicapped space!
I can walk for short distances, so I thought I'd save it for someone who needed it more. You're weird, lady! Usually people yell at me for taking the handicapped space when they see I can walk a little.
I can't park in the handicapped space, so why would I care if you take it?
I don't know, lady. But a lot of people do, even if they couldn't park there themselves.
Well, they should be angry at you for taking a space that they CAN park in!
There's a very high chance that an able-bodied person will show up and need a space! And there's very little chance that someone more disabled than you will come along while you're in the store.
Mom, please stop embarrassing me.
Lady, you get minus-three points for being rude and annoying, but you get four points for doing it in a way that hasn't gotten old yet. Now quit while you're ahead, okay?
Wait... Don't I know you from somewhere?
Comic #1645
December 4 2016
MOUSEOVER TEXT: cue the dad jokes
this story arc is called "Father Christmas"
TEXT OF COMIC:
Are you...
Are you...
YES! I'm the mother of your child, you deadbeat deserter!
What? Dad?
What happened to you?
Polar bear ate my right leg. I walk with a crutch now. As for my eye, bitten out by a penguin.
Penguins don't even live in the same place as polar bears.
Who said I was in the same place the whole time?
I mean, what happened back then! Why did you leave? And why come back now?
If you don't know why I left, you're the least self-aware person in the world!
I don't care why you left, I'm glad to be rid of you! Why are you even back?
This town has the best mall around. I came here to do my Christmas shopping.
For who? You don't even have a family anymore!
Ugh, if this is what our family was like, I can see why.
Comic #1646
December 10 2016
MOUSEOVER TEXT: cake is always the way to abby's heart
like father like daughter
TEXT OF COMIC:
Geez. I'm glad you two separated. The years alone with Mom were pretty bad, but years of this sort of bickering would've killed me.
You two can fight all day if you want. Screw all this-- I'm taking the bus home. Bye.
Abby! Wait.
Before you go, want to ditch your mom and join me on my Christmas shopping?
WHAT?
Who ARE you Christmas shopping for, anyway?
Myself. I'm gonna stop by the pastry shop and buy a big old three-layer fancy-decorated holiday cake to eat alone. If you want, you can buy yourself one too.
That sounds pathetic.
That sounds AWESOME.
Comic #1647
December 11 2016
MOUSEOVER TEXT: also some bad experiences with BEING a kid
Later, Abby invents a faster-than-light spaceship that ALSO ends global warming and cancer (by destroying the earth with its incredible momentum as it launches).
TEXT OF COMIC:
So. Abby.
Yeah?
Are you happy to see me?
Mmm, pretty indifferent. Haven't seen you in ages, so we've both probably changed so much that we're strangers now.
Are you angry at me for leaving, all those years ago?
No, that was understandable. I'd have ditched Mom too, if I'd had the option.
Are you angry I didn't take you with me?
Not at this point. Kids are terrible, and I wasn't any exception. In fact, I'm kind of surprised that ANYONE who has a kid actually raises it, instead of realizing what an awful mistake they've made and abandoning in it a forest somewhere.
Wow. You must have had some bad experiences with kids.
Actually, just some bad experiences with people expecting me to HAVE kids. If you tell me what I'm gonna do before I've even decided what I want, you're pretty much guaranteeing I'll do the opposite.
Then let me tell you that you are NEVER going to cure cancer, end global warming, and discover faster-than-light travel.
I have to admit I like how you think.
Comic #1648
December 17 2016
MOUSEOVER TEXT: genetically speaking, all of us are half dad
Krampus is the anti-Santa, so of course he does everything the opposite. I bet he even vomits milk and cookies under your tree.
TEXT OF COMIC:
So you didn't stay in Alaska all this time?
Nope. After the polar bear attack, I figured I didn't like being that far north. So I moved to the South Pole.
You did not!
Sure I did. They're hiring people to help out at the research station there all the time. It was a hard sell, convincing them to let me join up with my leg missing, but I'm a hard worker and I did fine.
Why'd you leave there?
Got sick of penguin attacks too. Plus, it turns out Krampus lives at the South Pole. He scared me away.
Daaaaad.
What, you don't like my jokes?
No. I like them too much, and it's making me afraid that my sense of humor falls in the "dad joke" category.
You had to inherit it from somewhere.
Comic #1649
December 18 2016
MOUSEOVER TEXT: sugar is in our DNA. really. it's called deoxyribose
Sweet tooth is of course a metaphor; he does not actually have any real teeth left, the sugar took them all.
It is the most powerful enemy, greater than the penguin that took his eye or the polar bear that took his leg, because it has the power not just to drive him away, but to call him home.
TEXT OF COMIC:
Abby! You're back! And... WHO is that guy with you? He looks like a pirate!
My dad! Dad, this is my friend Norma!
WHAT is your DAD doing here?
I bought the biggest cake in the store, and then I realized it was too big to take home on the bus, so he gave me a ride back to campus.
I MEAN, your dad's been gone for years! I don't even believe that's him. Why would he come back all of a sudden?
However far you travel, to the magnetic ends of the Earth or to the edge of death at the maws of wild beasts, the irresistible, inexorable Power of the Sweet Tooth will someday overcome you, subvert your wild spirit, and call you back to your favorite cake shop to claim as your birthright a sugar-encrusted mountain of deliciousness.
OK, now I believe he's your dad.
Comic #1650
December 24 2016
MOUSEOVER TEXT: snow blows
As someone who commutes by bike to work, I gotta side with Abby's dad on this one. I am white and I don't have a crappy retail job anymore, but snow is still awful for anyone who isn't a millionaire.
TEXT OF COMIC:
Okay, you can stay here a couple hours.
Only until it stops snowing. Ugh.
What's the matter? You lived in Alaska and Antarctica. Don't you like snow?
Sick of it.
When I was a kid I thought that the song "White Christmas" was racist. Then later I learned it was about snow.
And now I'm realizing that it was racist after all.
Huh?
It favors those classes of people-- mostly white-- who are so privileged that snow is just a pretty thing to look at, and not something they have to slog through to go to work at a rotten retail job on a national holiday.
Wishing for a white Christmas is wishing all sorts of disaster on less fortunate people, who are disproportionately non-white-- at worst, for them to lose their jobs, and at best, for them to suffer more than usual as they work on days when they should be celebrating with family. To love snow is to hate the poor and downtrodden.
Wow. You really know how to ruin every morsel of enjoyment anyone can get out of the holidays.
No, I just know how to SEE when enjoyment is being ruined.
Exactly!
Geez. I'm pretty sure you two don't need a paternity test.
Comic #1651
December 25 2016
MOUSEOVER TEXT: If Santa lives at the North Pole he's screwed.
I don't think wishing for a white Christmas is really a wish for climate change, at least not where Abby and I live. I'm pretty sure her dad set up this whole conversation just for the sake of that song-- chip off the old block and all.
But there are places where Christmas snow really is a sign of a frightening change in climate.
TEXT OF COMIC:
So you don't wish for a white Christmas.
No. I mean, we don't really want to be asking for more climate change, you know?
We've got enough trouble... rising sea levels, islands sinking, peninsulas becoming islands, isthmuses narrowing.
Isthmuses narrowing?
Yes. In fact, I have come up with a new version of the song!
Oh no.
I'm dreaming of a wide isthmus
Just like the ones I used to know,
Before oceans rising
And land downsizing
As storms thaw the Arctic snow...
I'm dreaming of a wide isthmus
with every rising of the tide;
May your flooded coastlines be dried,
And may all your isthmuses be wide.
MOUSEOVER TEXT:If Santa lives at the North Pole he's screwed.
Comic #1652
December 31 2016
MOUSEOVER TEXT: uh oh
You can't really "borrow" a cup of sperm... at least it's not something you can use and then give back. But then, neither is a cup of sugar, and neighbors stop by to borrow those all the time.
TEXT OF COMIC:
Dad, this is my friend Hans. He's majoring in computer science and math.
His parents are hermits who think everyone should be hermits. They only met each other once, and they were trying to breed the ultimate antisocial human.
Fun.
So... you're Abby's dad.
How's your life been since you moved away? Any marriages or kids? I'm sure Abby'd want to know if she has any new family.
Nope, no marriages. I've actually been quite a hermit myself.
Though, after I moved to Alaska, this weird dark-haired middle-aged lady showed up one day, asking to borrow a cup of sperm...
WHAT?
Daaaaad!