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Abby and Norma
from 2019
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Comic #0032
Date: Jan 5 2019
MOUSEOVER TEXT: barbie can be anything, even a bookshelf stocker
TEXT OF COMIC:
I can't believe it! You'll never guess who else just got a job at the bookstore!
Leonard Nimoy?
Cathy the brainless social butterfly! She started last Wednesday!
Cathy? Does she even know what a book is?
No, but neither does the guy who interviewed her.
Well, I don't know much about the job, and I'll probably spend all my time chatting with other employees and touching up my makeup. But on the other hand, I weigh 70 pounds and wear a size C bra.
You're hired.
Original version here .
Comic #0033
Date: Jan 12 2019
MOUSEOVER TEXT: at least she recognized it
MLK was a great man; he was into Star Trek long before it was cool
TEXT OF COMIC:
What kind of necklace is that? Is that a GUN?
Yes. I'm wearing it in honor of Martin Luther King Day.
What? MLK was against guns!
I believe that when someone preaches non-violence and then is violently killed, the best way to honor him is to wear jewelry depicting the exact method of his murder.
You're making fun of my cross necklace again, aren't you.
Original version here .
Comic #0034
Date: Jan 19 2019
MOUSEOVER TEXT: Now, if you are slow enough to get the date MORE than one year off, that opens up further possibilities.
A 9 can also be turned into a zero without too much warping, if you're okay with zeroes that have those little slashes through them. But then you also have to worry about the digit before it.
TEXT OF COMIC:
(1/19/2012 with the 2 turned into a 3)
(1/19/2015 with the 5 turned into a 6)
(1/19/2017 with the 7 turned into an 8)
(1/19/2018 with the 8 NOT turned into a 9)
There are only three years in each decade when you can get away with writing the date in pen during the first few months.
And this is clearly not one of them.
Original version here .
Comic #0035
Date: Jan 26 2019
MOUSEOVER TEXT: I have conversations in my head, too, but I seldom recite them out loud.
In fact, if you said "Happy New Year" when it was almost September, you might be implying that the New Year the person celebrated was Rosh Hashanah.
TEXT OF COMIC:
Thank you, ma'am! Here's your change. Happy New Year.
New Year's Day was, like, a few weeks ago.
Well, I would have said "Happy New Year" on New Year's Day if I had seen you then, ma'am. But our store was closed.
I wonder what day it officially becomes ridiculous to say "Happy New Year." A month after New Year's? Two months?
I don't know, ma'am. Here's your change.
I mean, I know people would look at me funny if I said it in, like, August.
"Happy New Year, sir."
"What? It's almost September."
"Well, I didn't see you on New Year's."
Uh huh.
"You've never seen me before!"
"Yeah, that's why I didn't say 'Merry Christmas.' I didn't know if you celebrated it."
"But you knew I celebrate the New Year?"
Umm...
"Doesn't everybody?"
"Most cultures do, but not all at the same time."
"Hey, I never said WHEN I thought you celebrated the New Year."
Ma'am, there are people waiting in line behind you.
Original version here .
Comic #0036
Comic number:
Date: Feb 2 2019
MOUSEOVER TEXT: on the seventh day, sloth is okay
Can't think of any biblical sin to go with Groundhog Day. Except maybe witchcraft, in the form of using animals to divine the future? (Or, if you celebrated it with a meal of ground hog, that would be the Leviticus 11:7 sin of eating pork.)
TEXT OF COMIC:
Doing anything for Valentine's Day?
Valentine's Day is a sinful holiday.
I've never heard that one before, even from religious fundamentalists. What sins do you see in Valentine's Day?
For couples, it's about lust. For singles, it's about envy.
Thanksgiving, on the other hand, is a celebration of gluttony. Black Friday and the whole Christmas shopping season are mostly about greed, these days.
For wrath, we have September 11th and Pearl Harbor Day; for pride we have the 4th of July. And sloth, of course, is celebrated on every national holiday, plus weekends.
So all holidays are a tribute to the seven deadly sins?
They should be called UNholy-days.
Original version here .
Comic #0037
Date: Feb 9 2019
MOUSEOVER TEXT: happy valentines day
TEXT OF COMIC:
TEXT OF COMIC:
I broke up with my boyfriend.
Oh really.
He made it clear that I am worth less to him than a dog.
Hmm?
He wanted me to move in with him in his house off campus. But he has a dog, and I told him I wouldn't live with a dog. I said unless he got rid of the dog, we're through.
And he wouldn't get rid of the dog. So I left him, because I don't want a man who would choose a dog over me. No animal should be more important than a human relationship.
But to you, it was.
Me? No, I...
The dog was more important than the relationship to BOTH of you. It wasn't just him. Either one of you was willing to end your relationship over the dog.
The only difference was that he wanted to keep the dog, and you wanted to get rid of the dog.
He may have valued you less than a dog, but you valued him less than the ABSENCE of a dog.
The absence of a dog is better than a dog.
If you feel that way, then that romance was clearly not meant to be.
Original version here .
Comic #0038
Date: feb 14 2019
MOUSEOVER TEXT: trojan puns, the dirtiest ones
No original version this time. Another all-new strip! (faster!)
TEXT OF COMIC:
(picture of a heart and a beet on a racetrack)
You make my heart beet faster!
Happy Valentine's day! I made you a card!
This is, somehow, even more tacky than the last card you made me.
EXACTLY!
What?
That's why the heart beats faster!
Huh?
IT HAS TACKY-CARD-IA!
Oh God, now you're smuggling puns into my head inside OTHER PUNS.
Comic #0039
Date: Feb 16 2019
MOUSEOVER TEXT: smoking on the clock and drinking time in a bottle
TEXT OF COMIC:
What's wrong, Cathy?
The boss is mad at me.
He saw me using company time for a cigarette break, and he said that if he ever catches me smoking on the clock again, I'm in big trouble.
Smoking on the clock? What part of the clock were you smoking?
Shut up.
It must have been one of the hands. Was it the minute hand or the hour hand?
You should get fired for the jokes you make.
I've got it! You must have been "second-hand smoking!"
Original version here .
Comic #0040
Date: Feb 23 2019
MOUSEOVER TEXT: totally gonna make a T-shirt with pi wearing shoes that each say 'pus' on them
TEXT OF COMIC:
Why is this number called "pi"?
Because it looks as if it has little feet. See?
Pi was originally a Greek letter. The Greek word for "foot" is "pus." Nouns that end in "-us" are pluralized with an "-i" ending, therefore "pi" means "feet."
Really?
Of course not. I made that up. The custom of pluralizing "-us" endings to "-i" is Latin, not Greek. I can't believe you fell for that.
My admiration of your language expertise grows daily.
As does my contempt for yours.
Original version here .
Comic #0041
Date: Mar 2 2019
MOUSEOVER TEXT: This works with Target's pay schedule, but not workplaces that have their paydays on the other alternate Fridays. Those jobs have different lucky months, but they still do have them.
Can't believe this thing is still circulating.
TEXT OF COMIC:
Hey, everyone! March 2019 has five Fridays, five Saturdays and five Sundays!
This happens about once every seven years, give or take a few leap years! And it happens a lot more often if you count it happening in months that aren't March!
It's called money bags! This month you will get extra money!
Why is that?
Because five Fridays means three paychecks, if you get paid biweekly. Very simple math.
Your explanation of that meme makes the most sense, but sadly, fewer people will see it, because the money-getting is not dependent on forwarding the email.
Original version here .
Comic #0042
Date: Mar 9 2019
MOUSEOVER TEXT: the pain in spain stays mainly on the train
I still remember where I was when I heard about the train bombings. That's because I was studying abroad in Spain at the time. I was in Granada, not Madrid (where it happened), but I'd been in that same train station in Madrid only weeks earlier.
I was also there for the prime minister election and the prince's wedding. It was a very historic time.
TEXT OF COMIC:
Can we have a moment of solemnity? Today is the anniversary of the train bombing in Spain.
I need some time to sit in silence and ponder the reasons behind this sort of atrocity.
The people who did that were terrorists, Abby. They were madmen. There were no reasons for what they did.
Sure there were. Every crime has a motive, even if it's a totally loco one.
Abby, I can't believe you.
What?
Right after you asked for a moment of solemnity, you go and make a pun!
What pun?
A train pun. Loco motive. You even used a Spanish word, to work in the fact that it happened in Spain! You're disgusting.
You sure seem interested in going out of your way to look for puns.
If you hadn't said it, I wouldn't have to look for it.
The pun police have evolved into state terrorists.
Original version here .
It was posted on March 11th.
Comic #0043
Date: Mar 10 2019
MOUSEOVER TEXT: yikes
Another all-new one.
TEXT OF COMIC:
You know one of the scariest things? Anesthesia that just semi-works.
Like when you get put under general anesthesia for surgery, and the doctors think it works... but really you're paralyzed and feeling it all, the whole time.
Ooh yeah.
And even scarier! What if that's ALWAYS how general anesthesia works?
Huh?
Like, what if it ALWAYS just paralyzes you and lets you feel the whole surgery? And we don't know it, because it USUALLY has a side effect of memory loss afterwards?
I need to stop talking to you about my fears. You only make them worse.
Comic #0044
Date: Mar 16 2019
MOUSEOVER TEXT: the hall director in abby's dorm building was sooooo mad
I asked my husband about this prank and he said that stomping on the flaming dog poo makes perfect sense, because it's the quickest way to put the fire out before it spreads. I dunno. If it happened to me, I would still run and get the fire extinguisher instead. I don't usually have shoes on when I'm in the house, and putting them on would take longer than getting the fire extinguisher. And even if I had shoes on, I'd rather take some extra time than risk melting my good soles, especially considering that the average doorstep isn't all that flammable.
TEXT OF COMIC:
Abby, want to help me get ready for this year's April Fool prank on Karen?
What? You're making April Fool plans already?
Yup! I'm going to--
Forget it. I will have nothing to do with any prank of yours.
Are you still mad at me about--
YES I'm still mad at you about the time you set something ON FIRE on my doorstep.
Well, for what it's worth, I'm still mad that you sprayed it with a friggin' fire extinguisher.
It was on fire! What exactly did you expect me to do?
Stomp on it! Then it would have been funny, because you would've gotten your foot dirty, because it was a bag of dog poo.
Kid, for that to work as a prank, I would have to be someone who: 1. would be upset to get dog crap on her foot, and yet, 2. would somehow be okay with sticking her foot in a FIRE. I don't think there ARE people with that much contradiction in their thought patterns. Where did you get the idea for that, anyway?
A... a normal person taught it to me.
I'll believe that.
Original version here .
Comic #0045
Date: Mar 23 2019
MOUSEOVER TEXT: yes it will
TEXT OF COMIC:
How soon is April, anyway? How many days does a month have?
It depends on the month.
Four of them are thirty-day months, and seven of them are thirty-one day months. February usually has twenty-eight days, but every four years there's a leap year, and then it has twenty-nine.
It's actually more complicated than that, though. To make the year line up perfectly with the Earth's trip around the sun, they had to make it so that every once in a while we skip a leap year when we would ordinarily have one.
But there's an exception to that, too. Every once in a REALLY long while, we have a leap year when we would ordinarily skip it.
This is all insane! Do you have any idea how we'd survive if we had to measure SPACE as crazily as we measure TIME?
Don't blame me, I didn't design it.
When not all feet have the same number of inches, it will be a scary, scary world.
Original version here .
Comic #0046
Date: Mar 30 2019
MOUSEOVER TEXT: an antique lime
TEXT OF COMIC:
I've invented a new system of measuring distance that's more like how we measure time.
So far, I've come up with names for the first ten feet of whatever you're measuring. They're called Arlmun, Marmague, Skrunge, Uffle, Bongaline, Clompton, Vengaron, Skibler, Framity and Dwamp.
Arlmun, Skrunge, Bongaline, Vengaron, Skibler and Dwamp all have twelve inches. But Uffle, Clompton and Framity each have eleven inches. Marmague has nine inches, except when the object you're measuring is green. Then it has ten inches.
That is, unless the object is green and tastes sour, in which case Marmague has nine inches. The only exception is when it's green, tastes sour and costs more than fifty dollars. Then Marmague has ten inches again.
What is green, tastes sour and costs more than fifty dollars?
Who knows. Maybe a cucumber that was found in Britney Spears' garbage can.
Original version here .
Comic #0047
Date: Apr 6 2019
MOUSEOVER TEXT: I actually don't mind my middle name, even though it's Ruth, which everyone else considers disgustingly old-fashioned.
TEXT OF COMIC:
Can you explain this religious issue to me?
Sure! Explaining religious issues is my middle name.
Odd middle name. Well, anyway, this is the issue: some people buy chocolate crosses instead of chocolate bunnies for Easter.
And?
Well, why would religious people want their kids to EAT a sacred symbol of their religion? Isn't that disrespectful?
Hmm. Well, the cross was really a brutal instrument of execution, which was used to kill their messiah. I don't see why they would have any reverence for the cross itself.
But the cross was necessary for the salvation of humanity, according to religion. The messiah HAD to be executed. The cross served a holy purpose.
Well, maybe eating the cross symbolizes taking its holiness within oneself, letting it become part of your body and soul.
Except that chocolate mostly goes right through your system, instead of becoming part of you. Their holy cross is ending up in the toilet.
Aw man, I hate trying to explain religious issues.
I thought you said explaining religious issues was your middle name.
AND IT IS WELL-KNOWN THAT ALL PEOPLE HATE THEIR MIDDLE NAMES.
Original version here .
Comic #0048
Date: Apr 13 2019
MOUSEOVER TEXT: Don't wanna know what she put in that pie.
I celebrate it on April Fools' Day because anything is better than actually celebrating April Fools' Day.
TEXT OF COMIC:
Here, Norma! Have some chicken pot pie.
What? I'm not hungry. And why did you even make chicken pot pie? You don't eat chicken.
Yeah. I made it for you, in honor of Pot Pie Day, but then I couldn't figure out when Pot Pie Day was, so I put it in the freezer until now.
What?
See, Pot Pie Day should be exactly halfway between 3/14 and 4/20, but there's an even number of days between the two, so there is no exact halfway date.
I'd ask if you were high on something, but I know this is your natural state.
Original version here .
Comic #0049
Date: Apr 20 2019
MOUSEOVER TEXT: everyone underestimates their own head circumference
TEXT OF COMIC:
My new system of measuring distance can be used to state a length, width or height in much the same way we state a day of the year.
For example, I'm forty inches tall. The first four feet in my system are called Arlmun, Marmague, Skrunge and Uffle. Arlmun and Skrunge each have twelve inches, Uffle has eleven inches, and Marmague, at least in this situation, has nine inches.
So, doing a little math, I can tell you that my height is "the seventh of Uffle."
I think you have too much time on your hands.
Well, I think the circumference of your brain doesn't even get up to Marmague.
Original version here .
Comic #0050
Date: Apr 27 2019
MOUSEOVER TEXT: and also W, the other lesser-known sometimes vowel
TEXT OF COMIC:
Did you know that, if you number the letters of the alphabet from one to twenty-six, all the vowels are odd numbers?
All of them. Even Y.
Don't you think that's amazing?
I'll be amazed if you ever go a whole day without saying something weird.
Original version here .
Comic #0051
Date: May 4 2019
MOUSEOVER TEXT: apparently this happened to me, though I do not REMEMBER vacuuming at 3 am when the roommates were there
TEXT OF COMIC:
I don't know how anyone can ever get married.
Remember freshman orientation, when they took us on a tour of the dorms? I remember when the hall director said, "Don't choose your best friend to be your roommate. There's one set of personality traits that will make a good friend for you, and a totally different set that will make your ideal roommate."
She's right. The chances of both those sets of traits occurring in the same person are virtually nonexistent. And yet, in order to get married, you must find a person who is both a good friend and a good roommate.
And not just any good friend and good roommate. A friend you would be willing to spend most of your time with for the rest of your life. A roommate you would want to share your home with forever. And in addition, you have to find the person physically attractive.
It can't happen. I can't imagine how any marriage could ever succeed. I mean, I can't even keep a roommate.
That's because you're the only student on campus who decides in the middle of the night that the floor absolutely NEEDS to be vacuumed, and that you can't sleep until it's done.
I've been happy ever since the special ed office convinced the residence office to give me a single dorm.
Original version here .
Comic #0052
Date: May 11 2019
MOUSEOVER TEXT: now the word 'flowers' has been added to the long list of words that look weird to me
I know the commonly accepted spelling is "Mother's Day," as if it were celebrating only one mother, but I DON'T CARE. I shall continue to punctuate it in the style of Veterans' Day and All Saints' Day.
TEXT OF COMIC:
Did you get your mom flowers for Mothers' Day?
Yeah. I got her a potted dahlia plant.
Because it was cheaper than a bouquet of flowers?
No! Because if you give a mom a flower, she has a flower for a day, but if you give a mom a flowering plant, she has flowers for a LIFETIME.
The lifetime of the plant, I mean. But depending on the plant, that could still be a pretty long time.
You do know that doesn't absolve you from giving her flowers again next Mothers' Day.
Aww man.
Original version here .
Comic #0053
Date: May 18 2019
MOUSEOVER TEXT: because, because, because of the weirdiful things she does
Original version here.
Changed it slightly to fit this year. It actually doesn't work as well this time, because 4/21 and 2/14 contain the same digits, and the joke here assumes they are totally unrelated.
Maybe this time around, Abby started out planning to make some comment about the dates happening to share digits, but then when Norma asked that question she couldn't resist a bit of absurdist humor.
Easter this year was April 21.
And Valentine's Day was February 14.
Somehow I'm SURE that's not a coincidence.
Wait, what? What does April 21 have to do with February 14?
Nothing. I told you, it's not a coincidence.
You are the weirdiful weirdo of weird.
Original version here .
Comic #0054
Date: May 25 2019
MOUSEOVER TEXT: how is cathy considered less socially inept than abby?
TEXT OF COMIC:
I can't believe how incredibly fat I am.
You know what I can't believe? I can't believe that it's unacceptable to call someone else fat, but it's perfectly acceptable to call yourself fat in front of someone who weighs twice as much as you.
You weigh about 70 pounds. I weigh about 140 pounds. By calling yourself fat, you just called me a lard-butted cow.
You said it, not me.
When can I go home?
Original version here .
Comic #0055
Date: Jun 1 2019
MOUSEOVER TEXT: me too, abby
TEXT OF COMIC:
Why don't you have a desktop computer?
I prefer to have just a laptop. Any other kind of computer causes conflicts between my instincts and my reason.
How so?
When a computer starts misbehaving, I usually feel like hitting it.
With a desktop, my knee-jerk urge is to punch the monitor-- even though my mind knows that the computer box is the part that's causing the problem. It's a "kill-the-messenger" response. I don't like that kind of contradiction in my thinking.
With a laptop, the part I get the urge to smack is pretty much the part that deserves it.
That's a lot of logical reasoning for an essentially illogical desire.
Well, that's a type of contradiction I can live with.
Original version here .
Comic #0056
Date: Jun 6 2019
MOUSEOVER TEXT: fun fact: there is no legal border defining where blue becomes green, or red becomes purple or whatever.
Another all-new one!
TEXT OF COMIC:
My printer is out of ink.
I wish I could just replace the color that's out. But it's one of those ones where you have to replace the red, yellow and blue all at the same time.
Printers don't actually mix red, yellow and blue, you know. It's a myth that those are the primary colors. You can't get all the possible colors from just red and blue and yellow.
Printer ink actually comes in cyan, yellow and magenta.
Um... cyan IS a shade of blue. And magenta is a shade of red. And yellow is yellow.
When I said "red, yellow, and blue," I never once mentioned which shades I was talking about. YOU somehow assumed I was referring to the shades of red, blue and yellow in a standard five-color crayon box, because I guess you think I'm eight years old.
How specific do I have to be when stating a color name? Do I have to specify beyond "yellow" too? Saffron? Ochre? Canary? What, do we work in a wallpaper factory or a cosmetics shop now?
We use HTML tags, Norma.
Comic #0057
Date: Jun 8 2019
MOUSEOVER TEXT: By the time they were a mommy and a daddy, they no longer loved each other, and that is why no secondborn children could be made
Another all-new one!
TEXT OF COMIC:
So, Mom, I've been wondering. How did you make Sharon and me?
What? I told you that before, remember? When a mommy and a daddy love each other very much...
Yeah, I remember. You said exactly those words. That they have to be "a mommy and a daddy" ALREADY, before they start the process.
What? No, I didn't mean....
We're your first children, Mom. That obviously wasn't about us. When you and Dad started making us, you WEREN'T a mommy and a daddy yet.
Why won't you tell us how FIRSTBORN children get born?
I'm guessing it's a secret too horrible to speak aloud.
MOUSEOVER TEXT: By the time they were a mommy and a daddy, they no longer loved each other, and that is why no secondborn children could be made
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