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Abby and Norma
from 2018
Comic #0001
Date: Jun 2 2018
MOUSEOVER TEXT: from the ashes
Welcome back. Please bear with me as I get used to the new style of Abby and Norma.
As I make these new comics to post every Saturday, I will begin by redrawing some old favorites.
From now on, what you see here will be:
- a mixture of new versions of old strips you've seen before
- not all of them, and not always in the same order as before
- with a few all-new ones sprinkled in.
Strips on Saturday are guaranteed. They will usually be re-runs. New strips may post at random times in between. How often, that depends on my life.
But for this first one, I've made an all-new strip, because I had a dialogue idea that fits very well with the concept of Abby and Norma being reborn.
TEXT OF COMIC:
I've just realized something.
In this day and age of cyberpunk and transhumanism--
Of fiction ABOUT them, you mean?
Yeah, whatever. Well, I've come to accept that, if an exact copy of you, memories and all, is made at the moment of your death, that is the same as staying alive.
There's no functional difference. Even if you stay alive a while after the copy is made, your death is only the loss of whatever memories were formed in that time. As long as it isn't too many memories, it's not death. Memories are what make you the person you are.
So? You've said all this before. What new thing did you realize?
Well, I also believe that there are infinite parallel universes... with all imaginable things happening in them, even things that are wildly improbable.
And that means there must be a universe where people can be born with a lifetime of memories already randomly formed in their heads-- and every person just happens to be born having the exact memories of a person who died in this universe.
So... I guess I actually do believe in an afterlife.
Have fun with ALL the different versions of that universe. You're going to a million different heavens and a million different hells.
Can't wait.
Comic #0002
Date: Jun 9 2018
MOUSEOVER TEXT: time travel?
Not sure how much closer we are to this "future" than we were in 2006 when I first posted this strip.
TEXT OF COMIC:
N: What's wrong, Abby?
A: We're doomed, Norma. In the future they'll find the gene for autism. They'll be able to test for it in utero, and they'll be able to remove it.
A: In the future, if your parents don't want to raise an autistic kid, there'll be four things that can happen to you. You can get aborted, or you can get genetically engineered to be normal, or you can get left to the tender mercies of the adoption system, or you can get raised by parents who don't want to raise an autistic kid.
N: Yeah, the present is better than the future, I guess.
A: No, it's no better at all. In the present we just have options three and four. There are no good solutions now either.
N: What do you think would be a good solution?
A: Well, I'm eagerly looking forward to the technology that will allow children to genetically engineer their parents.
Original version here .
Comic #0003
Date: Jun 16 2018
MOUSEOVER TEXT: this is why you use dolls
TEXT OF COMIC:
A: I actually think the Sally-Anne test probably doesn't give the most accurate results-- it's just too complicated for most kids' minds, whether they're autistic or not.
N: Wait-- what test is that?
A: The Sally-Anne test. You know, you give a kid the scenario where Sally has a box, and Anne has a basket, and they're in a room together, and Sally puts a marble in her box, and leaves the room, and Anne takes the marble out of the box and puts it in her basket, and then Sally comes back, and you ask the kid where Sally thinks the marble is.
N: Wait, could you go over that again?
A: SEE?
Original version here .
Comic #0004
Date: Jun 23 2018
MOUSEOVER TEXT: I think Anne may be a Raggedy Ann doll
Sharon thinks of Karen as her "little sister" but she was just born a couple minutes later
TEXT OF COMIC:
A: So let's try the Sally-Anne test on my cousin Sharon and her sister Karen. Okay, guys, this doll is Anne and this doll is Sally.
A: Sally puts her marble in her box, and then she goes away, see?
A: And while Sally's gone, Anne steals Sally's marble out of the box and puts it in her own basket.
A: So when Sally comes back, kids... will she expect her marble to be in the basket, or the box?
S: Well, if Anne is Sally's little sister, Sally probably knows to check in Anne's basket first...
K: Hey!
Original version here .
Comic #0005
Date: Jun 30 2018
MOUSEOVER TEXT: neurotypicals are too trusting because they haven't been bullied like we have
TEXT OF COMIC:
N: So what is this Sally-Anne test supposed to tell us, anyway?
A: It's supposed to test for theory of mind-- the ability to imagine another person's thoughts.
A: If you don't have theory of mind, you'll assume that Sally thinks the marble is in the same place YOU think it is.
N: So a normal person thinks Sally will just assume that Anne didn't steal her marble when she got the chance?
A: I guess it could also be seen as a test of optimism and pessimism.
N: Or a test of faith in human virtue.
Original version here .
Comic #0006
Date: Jul 7 2018
MOUSEOVER TEXT: news is the leading cause of violence
They sure are sitting close together on that love seat. John saw this post and asked me why I wasn't making them a canon couple. Honestly I don't have a reason, except that I grew up on a standard formula for newspaper comics where literally every romantic relationship was "baiting," and none of them ever became anything more than tension.
TEXT OF COMIC:
A: I can't stand watching the news.
A: When I see all the horrible violent things people do to each other, it just overwhelms me-- I can't handle it.
A: I watch violent cartoons, and it only desensitizes me to cartoon violence. I watch violent horror movies, and it only desensitizes me to horror movie violence. I play violent video games, and it only desensitizes me to video game violence. What do I have to do to get desensitized to real violence?
N: Watch the news.
A: I was afraid you'd say that.
Original version here .
Comic #0007
Date: Jul 14 2018
MOUSEOVER TEXT: In case you're wondering, they're American Smarties ('Rockets' in other countries). And eating a pound of them doesn't induce vomiting, only diarrhea.
No link to the original version this time. Another all-new strip!
TEXT OF COMIC:
Have you lost weight?
Yeah, I'm on the SmartFood Diet.
Let me guess. You only eat food that is literally intelligent, and therefore able to consent to being eaten. Since it's hard to find such things, you are eating little or nothing, and therefore losing weight.
Wow. your mental simulation of my mind has gotten better than the real thing.
What, you were thinking of something less clever?
The SmartFood Diet is when you can eat whatever food you want, but you also have to eat a one-pound bag of Smarties every day.
That's not a diet, that's bulimia.
All diets are some kind of eating disorder.
Comic #0008
Date: Jul 21 2018
MOUSEOVER TEXT: she's only doing that experiment so she gets to eat the extra test material
TEXT OF COMIC:
N: Wow, you've been studying hard, Abby. What are you doing for your big science project?
A: I am attempting to prove that the glucose tablets sold to diabetics don't actually work any better than a placebo.
N: Really? What kind of placebo are you testing them against?
A: A sugar pill.
N: Um, you do know what a glucose tablet is, don't you?
A: EXACTLY!
Original version here .
Comic #0009
Date: Jul 28 2018
MOUSEOVER TEXT: they are all dead and are too oblivious to realize it, that's why they act like zombies
TEXT OF COMIC:
A: Hi, Cathy. Why are you wearing long sleeves? It's the hottest day of the year.
C: You lose weight if you sweat. Didn't you know that, you fat nerds?
A: But that weight is only water.
A: After you sweat it off, you'll be all dehydrated, and then you either drink more water and gain the weight back, or die of thirst.
C: So what? I'll be dead of thirst, but at least I'll be thin.
A: I wonder why neurotypicals aren't extinct by now.
Original version here .
Comic #0010
Date: Aug 4 2018
MOUSEOVER TEXT: fundamentalist religion requires more doublethink than 1984
TEXT OF COMIC:
A: "Not a sparrow can fall without God knowing."
A: "God has numbered all the hairs on your head."
A: You know, I don't really think of God as a Father... more of a Big Brother.
N: Har har.
Original version here .
Comic #0011
Date: Aug 11 2018
MOUSEOVER TEXT: that's nuts
TEXT OF COMIC:
Hey, Abby, I know a funny song. Want to hear it?
Sure, Sharon. Go ahead.
A peanut sat on a railroad track,
its heart was all a-flutter!
Along came the six-fifteen...
Toot-toot! Peanut butter!
Cute. But I've got a better one.
A pigeon sat in Atocha,
Its wings were all a-flutter,
Along came the Trenhotel...
Squish! Hazelnut butter!
I don't get it.
La Estacion de Atocha is a train station in Madrid, and the Trenhotel is a type of overnight train that runs through Spain.
The Spanish word for "hazelnut" is "avellana," which, if it were separated into two words-- "ave llana"-- would mean "flat bird."
WOW! That is the best pun EVER!
Don't encourage her, Sharon.
Original version here .
Comic #0012
Date: Aug 18 2018
MOUSEOVER TEXT: actually puns about trains in Spain are in bad taste, ever since March 11, 2004
TEXT OF COMIC:
I did some research on that pun you told Sharon. It doesn't work, Abby.
"Llana" means "flat" in the sense of a flat piece of land-- not an object that's been squashed flat.
Since you're a language major, I KNOW that you knew that perfectly well.
Of course I did. But if I'd paid attention to it, I couldn't have made a pun.
Yeah-- get your priorities straight, Norma. Puns first, reality second.
Well, I ALSO found out that "ave" is masculine. The adjective "llana" couldn't apply to it anyway, because "llana" has a feminine ending.
Actually, there you're wrong. "Ave" is one of the few Spanish nouns, like "agua," that are feminine despite taking the masculine article. You do say "el ave" as if it were masculine, but adjectives applying to the word "ave" always take feminine endings.
How do you make such bad puns when you're so good at language?
Actually, it WAS a pretty bad pun. I could have made it so much better-- there's actually a Spanish train line called AVE.
Now THAT would be the best pun ever!
Original version here .
Comic #0013
Date: Aug 25 2018
MOUSEOVER TEXT: antidisestablishmentarians are also called antidisestablishmentarianists, which is ONE letter longer than antidisestablishmentarianism
My spellchecker breaks it down thusly:
Real words:
antidisestablishmentarianism
disestablishmentarians
Fake words:
disestablishmentarianism
antidisestablishmentarians
TEXT OF COMIC:
N: ?
N: What's antidisestablishmentarianism?
A: It's the opposite of disestablishmentarianism.
N: What's disestablishmentarianism?
A: It's what disestablishmentarians believe in.
N: What are disestablishmentarians?
A: People in favor of disestablishment.
N: What's disestablishment?
A: It's the opposite of establishment.
N: What's--
A: You know that already.
N: ?
Original version here .
Comic #0014
Date: Sep 1 2018
MOUSEOVER TEXT: wish that were true
This is not my mother, and for that I am so grateful.
TEXT OF COMIC:
Mom: Why aren't you dating any boys, Abby? One of these days you should get married and have children, you know.
A: I'm only in college, Mom! And even if I do get married someday, I'm never having children.
Mom: Don't be silly. Nobody can be happy without having children.
A: Don't I know best whether I'd be happy having them?
Mom: You'll change your mind.
A: No I won't. If I ever get the amount of money it takes to raise a kid, I'm going to donate it to save thousands of lives-- not waste it on creating one new life.
Mom: Oh, don't be ridiculous. You would never deprive your mother of grandchildren, would you?
A: You wouldn't like having grandchildren. Nobody wants to feel old. And nothing makes you feel older than having grandchildren.
Mom: Don't I know best whether I want grandchildren?
A: You'll change your mind.
Original version here .
Comic #0015
Date: Sep 8 2018
MOUSEOVER TEXT: conversations of ANY kind on the bus are the worst. On the bus, I use my cellphone only to play music on headphones and drown out other people's talking.
Apparently "people being more upset about public cell phone conversations than public in-person conversations" is a real issue, or was, at the time I wrote the original version of this. There was some actual study that showed that people find conversations more annoying and difficult to ignore if they can't hear all of the words. (I think this has lessened as cell phones have become more commonly used, though.)
TEXT OF COMIC:
Driver: Hey, could you quit talking on that cell phone? People are trying to ride the bus in peace.
A: Yikes-- hold on a second, Norma.
A: Mr. Bus Driver, I see no reason why I should stop talking on my cell phone. I'm talking quietly and my ring tone was set to vibrate.
A: Logically, while talking on my phone, I was making only half as much noise as two people in the bus having a conversation.
A: Would you tell two people having a quiet conversation on the bus to stop talking?
Driver: Well, people are bothered more by cell phones.
Voice: Hey, could you two tone it down? People are trying to ride the bus in peace!
Original version here .
Comic #0016
Date: Sep 15 2018
MOUSEOVER TEXT: yes.
truth is less believable than fiction
TEXT OF COMIC:
Have you ever noticed that in novels, there are no coincidences? Authors are afraid that having a coincidence in their story will make it unrealistic. But really, stories WITHOUT coincidences are unrealistic.
In real life, coincidences happen. For instance, you and I might go to the mall and start talking about Cathy the cheerleader, and she could happen to be there and overhear us. It would be a remarkable coincidence, but it could quite possibly happen without the two events being directly related.
Sure, there'd be some connection-- everything's connected on some level. But the connection could just be that both our trips to the mall resulted from chains of events that led back to the same butterfly flapping its wings in South America.
If it happened in a story, though, the connection would HAVE to be something like Cathy getting suspicious of us and following us to the mall. Otherwise it would be considered bad writing.
I'd like to tell authors that it should be the exact opposite. In an average person's life, at least one really outrageous coincidence happens every year. So if your story spans more than a year, it SHOULD have at least one really outrageous coincidence in it.
Too bad it would never get published.
I wish realism and believability were the same thing.
Original version here .
Comic #0017
Date: Sep 22 2018
MOUSEOVER TEXT: I have no right to NOT visit my cousin when some people in poor countries have to live crammed into a house with all their extended family
TEXT OF COMIC:
When I don't want to eat eggplant, my parents tell me that I have to because there are starving people in Africa.
I asked them how I could possibly make life better for starving people in Africa by eating eggplant, and they wouldn't answer me.
It's a matter of principle, not logic. They just don't like the idea of a kid wasting her food when some people don't have enough food to eat.
But, by not eating my eggplant, I'm actually making MORE food available for other people. It's just that my parents are messing it all up, by buying me eggplant whether I eat it or not. They're the ones who are wasting the food.
I told you, it isn't a matter of logic. Parents won't argue logic with children. And if you don't believe me, just try it.
I won't eat this. I have no right to eat nutritious food when there are starving people in Africa.
I hereby revoke your privilege of visiting your cousin Abby.
Original version here .
Comic #0018
Date: Sep 29 2018
MOUSEOVER TEXT: you've forgotten me al-Reddy Kilowatt
TEXT OF COMIC:
Would you remember me in a week?
Sure.
Would you remember me in a month?
Of course.
Would you remember me in a year?
Certainly.
Knock knock!
Who's there?
You've forgotten me already!
You've forgotten me already WHO?
Never tell Abby a joke she already knows.
Original version here .
Comic #0019
Date: Oct 6 2018
MOUSEOVER TEXT: abby's world is reality, get used to it
TEXT OF COMIC:
I made up a great joke. Want to hear it?
Sure.
What did the tree say?
What did the tree say to whom? What did the tree say when?
Just what did the tree say.
Jokes don't begin like that. There has to be more context. Like, "What did the tree say to the woodpecker?" Or "What did the tree say when the axe hit it?" It can't just be "What did the tree say?"
I didn't know there were rules for jokes.
Only in Abby's world.
Original version here .
Comic #0020
Date: Oct 13 2018
MOUSEOVER TEXT: no she doesn't, they're perfect
TEXT OF COMIC:
Okay, I'm sorry I interrupted your joke. What did the tree say?
It said, "That triceratops has an extra horn!"
Um... I don't get it.
Okay, well, see, if a triceratops had an extra horn, that would be four...
and "Fore" is what you yell when you're playing golf...
and when you play golf you use a tee...
and "tee" sounds like "tree"! Get it?
You need to work on your jokes, Sharon.
Original version here .
Comic #0021
Date: Oct 20 2018
MOUSEOVER TEXT: no, your x-in -law is not your spouse's ex
Actually, your sibling-in-law can be either your spouse's sibling or your sibling's spouse. But that rule of reversal doesn't work for a parent-in-law. The rules are far more complex than they seem.
I heard that one language (Mandarin Chinese, maybe?) has different words for "aunt" depending on whether she's your mother's sister or your father's sister, and also further specifies whether she's a younger or older sister. I can only assume the same language also has different words indicating an aunt-by-marriage on either side.
TEXT OF COMIC:
My aunt sent me a Christmas letter already.
Which aunt, your mother's sister or your father's sister?
Neither. My mom's brother's wife. I guess that sort of aunt should really be called an aunt-in-law.
No, an aunt-in-law is your spouse's aunt.
So does "X-in-law" always mean "spouse's X"?
Well, that works for "mother-in-law" and "father-in-law." And "sister-in-law" and "brother-in-law."
But not "son-in-law" or "daughter-in-law." Your spouse's children are either your children or your stepchildren, not your children-in-law.
So... how DO you define in-laws?
People who are related only by marriage, I guess.
But that would include stepchildren. And the aunt I was talking about. No definition seems to work.
So you're trying to create a grammatical law to define in-laws. An in-law-law.
Laws are more comprehensible to me than vague complicated tendencies.
Unfortunately, language tends toward the latter.
Original version here .
Comic #0022
Date: Oct 27 2018
MOUSEOVER TEXT: lepidoptera and orthoptera are probably as different as humans and wolves
Carolina locusts live all over the United States. I've read that the southern ones make a crackling noise as they fly, but the ones in the Midwest fly silently like butterflies.
TEXT OF COMIC:
I almost wish it were summer. I really miss the plants and bugs and stuff.
You miss bugs?
Yeah. Especially Carolina locusts.
Carolina locusts. That's very specific.
I like them! When I was a kid, I thought they had magical powers.
You did?
Yeah. I mean, I would see this little black butterfly fluttering over the grass, and run after it, hoping I could get a good look at it when it landed.
But when it landed, it would just vanish, and all I could see was a grayish-brown grasshopper. I spent a lot of my childhood full of wonder and amazement at how these things could magically transform from a grasshopper to a butterfly and back again.
I guess the insect form of lycanthropy?
Leptorthoptery. Ha, I like it.
Original version here .
Comic #0023
Date: Nov 3 2018
MOUSEOVER TEXT: it's transmitted through all body fluids, that is why they're called flu-ids
TEXT OF COMIC:
Oh look-- it's Cathy the socialite. She's so friendly she'll even sit next to a couple of nerds.
Shut up. I'm only sitting with you so I don't give the flu to any normal people.
Aww, you have the flu?
Duh-- yes, I have the flu. Now shut up so nobody notices I'm anywhere near you.
You know, it's not really surprising that you got the flu. Two of the three guys you're sleeping with have it.
Nobody told me the flu was an STD!
Original version here .
Comic #0024
Date: Nov 10 2018
MOUSEOVER TEXT: I can also do it with every other snack
TEXT OF COMIC:
A: They say you can't eat just one potato chip. Well, they're wrong. I managed it this morning.
A: In fact, I managed it twenty-five times in quick succession.
A: Want to see me do it again?
N: No.
Original version here .
Comic #0025
Date: Nov 17 2018
MOUSEOVER TEXT: real life pigs get fed meat by-products of their own family and friends
No link to the original version this time. This is a new strip!
Don't get used to it, though. I'm still mostly re-doing old ones.
TEXT OF COMIC:
Abby?
Yeah?
You know the nursery rhyme about the little piggies?
Um, "this little piggy went to market" and so on?
Yeah.
Karen told me the one that "went to market" didn't go there to go shopping.
She said it went there to get sold and made into meat. Is that true?
Well, that's an interesting question.
In reality, yes, a pig that goes to market is typically being sold to a butcher. But the answer to your question depends on whether this nursery rhyme is set in reality, or in a fantasy world where pigs are anthropomorphic and capable of going shopping like humans.
Examining the other lines of the poem, I would conclude that it is, in fact, discussing anthropomorphic fairy-tale pigs. "This little piggy had roast beef," for instance, would be unlikely to apply to a pig in the real world.
Are you sure? Aren't pigs fed whatever goes in the trash? Maybe someone threw out their roast beef leftovers.
Do you want to be convinced the pig is okay, or not?
It doesn't matter. Now I'm worried about the cow.
Comic #0026
Date: Nov 24 2018
MOUSEOVER TEXT: I truly believe that thing about the cookies really is inherent knowledge born into children. It's probably based on the instinct to eat whatever has the most calories so that you can have as much energy as possible in order to survive. Not really necessary in present society, but it explains a lot. Including why Sharon and Karen prefer pumpkin pie over turkey.
TEXT OF COMIC:
This Thanksgiving, Sharon and I would like to say that we are thankful to Abby for being such an awesome cousin.
She taught us what a Rubik's cube is. She taught us that the tooth fairy will steal all our teeth if we sleep with the pillow on top of our heads.
She taught us that for any kind of creme sandwich cookie, the creme filling is the actual product, and the cookies can be considered part of the packaging and thrown away.
I didn't teach you that. That's inherent knowledge born into every child.
Oh, and she taught us that the Thanksgiving turkey is really a DEAD BIRD. So we'll be eating nothing but pumpkin pie tonight.
We'll need seconds. And thirds.
Original version here .
Comic #0027
Date: Dec 1 2018
MOUSEOVER TEXT: it's you
TEXT OF COMIC:
Hey, Mom!
Mmm?
How do you make a motherboard?
Huh?
Talk to her about computers.
What?
It's a joke. It's funny because "motherboard" sounds like "mother bored."
I don't get it. What's a motherboard?
NEVER MIND.
Original version here .
Comic #0028
Date: Dec 8 2018
MOUSEOVER TEXT: or you could be killed by someone with the star sign Cancer... a zodiac killer, if you will
Yes, everyone, this is an homage to the second volume of Machine of Death , which contains a story called "FURNACE"-- a tender tale of sex and archaeology in the distant future. Which I wrote. Go buy it.
TEXT OF COMIC:
Suppose you had some magical way to predict how people would die. How long would it take to find out how accurate it was?
Hmm. Are we talking about a method that yields a detailed description of a person's predicted death?
No, I was thinking of something that produces very short predictions. Sometimes just one word.
Like "CANCER"?
Yeah. But suppose it's not always straightforward. If your prediction says "CANCER", you might get cancer and die, or you might get murdered by some guy who went over the edge when he found out HE had cancer.
Or, for that matter, you might die in an accident at work-- on a day when you weren't supposed to be there but you filled in for a coworker who had to go visit his grandmother who had cancer.
Trouble is, no matter HOW you died, it would be somehow connected to the prediction that was made for you, just because everything in the universe is connected somehow.
There is no way you COULD define how accurate it was. It would be just as accurate even if the predictions were pulled out of a hat.
But it would still be really really REALLY cool.
If you feel that way, I guess I'll give you a random word generator for Christmas.
Original version here .
Comic #0029
Date: Dec 15 2018
MOUSEOVER TEXT: And the first Alternate Original Series movie came out just over seven years after the debut of Enterprise
TEXT OF COMIC:
"Star Trek: The Next Generation" had seven seasons.
"Star Trek: Deep Space Nine" had seven seasons.
"Star Trek: Voyager" had seven seasons.
I think the makers of Star Trek are like Vulcans. They go crazy every seven years.
I wonder which is more insane: getting in a death-duel with a starship captain, or producing yet another new Trek series.
Original version here .
Comic #0030
Date: Dec 22 2018
MOUSEOVER TEXT: she is unstable
TEXT OF COMIC:
I have never seen anyone eat Christmas dinner so messily. Were you born in a barn, Abby?
Of course! Why not? Christmas is all ABOUT being born in a barn.
It took me a moment to get that, but that was pretty clever.
I'm going home to sleep in my manger now.
Original version here .
Comic #0031
Date: Dec 29 2018
MOUSEOVER TEXT: all her social interaction with Norma is totally ane
TEXT OF COMIC:
I heard you got a part-time job at the bookstore, Abby. How's it going?
It's okay. I thought people working at a bookstore would be people I'd get along with really well... but it turned out to be just like school. They all stand around talking with each other and ignore me.
I'm the only one who actually gets any work done. My performance rating is three times anyone else's. Apparently all you have to do to excel at this job is not spend all your time on inane social interaction.
Wow, your dream career.
As long as YOU don't start working there too.
Original version here .